Author Topic: The Happy Marriage Resources Thread  (Read 20713 times)

act01

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Re: The Happy Marriage Resources Thread
« Reply #50 on: May 20, 2016, 08:45:19 PM »
This book is amazing - "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love"
There's a few different styles of how we "attach" to other people. Once you understand the types, it's a lot easier to understand your spouse's behavior (and your own).

Someone brought up power struggles... I wish I could remember the book but I read this happens after the honeymoon phase and usually chills out once you have kids. The "7 year itch" is sometimes attributed to this power struggle, too.

zolotiyeruki

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Re: The Happy Marriage Resources Thread
« Reply #51 on: May 20, 2016, 08:52:43 PM »
Anyone have resources for happy finances in a marriage?
I dunno.  This is what works for us:
1) Budget together and agree on it.
2) Stick to the budget.
3) It's all shared (single income), with the exception of money gifted to DW or me.
4) Take steps to minimize financial risks (and the resultant stress)--minimize debt, spend less than you earn, have insurance, have an emergency fund.

I like the pamphlet the Mormon church put out back in the 90's called "One for the Money"  Your views might not align perfectly with theirs, but most of the points are true regardless of your religious affiliation (or lack thereof :) ).

act01

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Re: The Happy Marriage Resources Thread
« Reply #52 on: May 22, 2016, 03:42:50 PM »
Anyone have resources for happy finances in a marriage?
The absolute best I've found is this forum. I'll add these suggestions:

1. Don't hide financial information from your partner
2. Have a regular open dialog with your partner about money and how you are spending money
3. If you don't like something your partner is doing with money, don't hold it against them. Lead by example and find a way for them to be accountable for their behavior.

Number 3... a few years ago I had a serious issue with DH not working enough and spending too much (and it turned into a huge thread on here). The thing that totally changed the dynamic was letting him have control of his own spending (with limits in place - like "any purchase above xx dollars we need to talk"), reinforcing good spending (like waiting to buy something til it was on sale, or talking through whether we even need it), and just basic finance education. We found some tv shows and podcasts about business and finance that were fun to listen to and talk about.

The flip side is that I used to make him feel bad about spending or just not talk to him about things he didn't care about (retirement, savings, etc). Now I treat him as a financial equal - and sometimes my enthusiasm talking about retirement savings or refinancing the house is contageous (that's what I mean by "lead by example"). Financial talk becomes normal when it's part of your day to day interactions and isn't emotionally charged. DH needed help learning how to set a budget for his business - before he would have hid what he didn't know, but now it's a fun thing for us to do together.

scrubbyfish

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Re: The Happy Marriage Resources Thread
« Reply #53 on: May 22, 2016, 03:49:50 PM »
Anyone have resources for happy finances in a marriage?

I put mine in my book!

I'm now single, so I included: what I learned the very hard way; tips and themes gleaned from conversations here and elsewhere. I broke it out into two stages: dating (pre-partnership); partnered.

2300

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Re: The Happy Marriage Resources Thread
« Reply #54 on: May 22, 2016, 07:00:06 PM »
Not marriage specific, but I've been reading/watching a lot about happiness lately...sorry if slightly off topic, but happiness is useful in marriage too :) 

Great Movie (some finances related stuff in there...money doesn't = happiness examples):
http://www.thehappymovie.com

Books:
The Art of Happieness
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/38210.The_Art_of_Happiness
Zen and The Art of Happieness
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/38212.Zen_and_the_Art_of_Happiness
Happiness: A Philosopher's Guide
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23012626-happiness
A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/5617966-a-guide-to-the-good-life


Blogs
http://zenhabits.net/all-the-advice-on-happiness-youll-ever-need-in-one-post
http://tinybuddha.com/category/blog/happiness-fun-blog/
https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2013/06/10/a-gamers-guide-to-happiness/

Talks:
The Surprising Science of Happiness | Dan Gilbert | TED Talks
https://youtu.be/4q1dgn_C0AU?list=PLpZC1Ppt02iHg5JYNv9ieO0j2pMN4gGMo
Matthieu Ricard: The habits of happiness
https://youtu.be/vbLEf4HR74E?list=PLpZC1Ppt02iHg5JYNv9ieO0j2pMN4gGMo
Mindfulness with Jon Kabat-Zinn
https://youtu.be/3nwwKbM_vJc?list=PLpZC1Ppt02iHg5JYNv9ieO0j2pMN4gGMo






Playing with Fire UK

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Re: The Happy Marriage Resources Thread
« Reply #55 on: May 23, 2016, 03:22:24 AM »
Not marriage specific, but I've been reading/watching a lot about happiness lately...sorry if slightly off topic, but happiness is useful in marriage too :) 

Have you read Happy Money? It was one of the things that drew me towards MMM.

lifejoy

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Re: The Happy Marriage Resources Thread
« Reply #56 on: May 23, 2016, 12:55:49 PM »
Anyone have resources for happy finances in a marriage?

I put mine in my book!

I'm now single, so I included: what I learned the very hard way; tips and themes gleaned from conversations here and elsewhere. I broke it out into two stages: dating (pre-partnership); partnered.

Is this book published? Can I get it from the library?? :D

lifejoy

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Re: The Happy Marriage Resources Thread
« Reply #57 on: May 23, 2016, 12:56:59 PM »
Not marriage specific, but I've been reading/watching a lot about happiness lately...sorry if slightly off topic, but happiness is useful in marriage too :) 

Great Movie (some finances related stuff in there...money doesn't = happiness examples):
http://www.thehappymovie.com

Books:
The Art of Happieness
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/38210.The_Art_of_Happiness
Zen and The Art of Happieness
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/38212.Zen_and_the_Art_of_Happiness
Happiness: A Philosopher's Guide
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23012626-happiness
A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/5617966-a-guide-to-the-good-life


Blogs
http://zenhabits.net/all-the-advice-on-happiness-youll-ever-need-in-one-post
http://tinybuddha.com/category/blog/happiness-fun-blog/
https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2013/06/10/a-gamers-guide-to-happiness/

Talks:
The Surprising Science of Happiness | Dan Gilbert | TED Talks
https://youtu.be/4q1dgn_C0AU?list=PLpZC1Ppt02iHg5JYNv9ieO0j2pMN4gGMo
Matthieu Ricard: The habits of happiness
https://youtu.be/vbLEf4HR74E?list=PLpZC1Ppt02iHg5JYNv9ieO0j2pMN4gGMo
Mindfulness with Jon Kabat-Zinn
https://youtu.be/3nwwKbM_vJc?list=PLpZC1Ppt02iHg5JYNv9ieO0j2pMN4gGMo

Great addition. I've watched many of these! I especially love Mathieu Ricard!

Bracken_Joy

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Re: The Happy Marriage Resources Thread
« Reply #58 on: May 23, 2016, 01:08:06 PM »
Re: the money things. I agree that this forum has great resources. Here is one thread I remember reading, and using to help shape how my DH and I combined finances when we got married: http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/ask-a-mustachian/how-do-you-share-money-with-your-partner/ (or was it this one? http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/ask-a-mustachian/best-way-to-structure-finances-once-married/)

Other people should link favorite threads like this too! There was one other in particular I remember, but can't find it right now.

scrubbyfish

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Re: The Happy Marriage Resources Thread
« Reply #59 on: May 23, 2016, 02:20:43 PM »
Is this book published?

Yep! It's linked to in my signature here :)

iknowiyam

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Re: The Happy Marriage Resources Thread
« Reply #60 on: May 23, 2016, 04:17:42 PM »
As I recall your hubby is going to be a doc so probably not much time for the 2 of you. I would focus on enjoying him when he does have the time and also plan on you  doing more of the relationship work right now until he is done.  Hugs:))

Hmm, will there be any more time for you, OP, once he's finished and IS a doc??  I've heard a lot of doctors don't have a lot of time for family.
"I've heard a lot of doctors professionals don't have a lot of time for family."

This depends on the person, not the profession. True, it takes flexibility depending on the specialty (do not plan over-thought date nights that cannot be delayed or rescheduled), but specifically being a doc does not mean never-ending neglect for their family.

aetherie

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Re: The Happy Marriage Resources Thread
« Reply #61 on: May 24, 2016, 08:44:15 AM »
Posting to follow, as someone preparing for marriage and wanting to do it right. :)

lifejoy

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Re: The Happy Marriage Resources Thread
« Reply #62 on: May 24, 2016, 06:10:11 PM »
Posting to follow, as someone preparing for marriage and wanting to do it right. :)

Good call! We can always be better :)

Cwadda

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Re: The Happy Marriage Resources Thread
« Reply #63 on: May 24, 2016, 06:31:01 PM »
I'm going to add the Myers-Briggs test. It helped me know how I operate and how DH operates and things to watch out for and be conscious of.

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp

Here's another link that explains MBTI, and doesn't cost anything.
https://www.personalitypage.com/html/portraits.html

FrugalShrew

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Re: The Happy Marriage Resources Thread
« Reply #64 on: May 24, 2016, 07:12:10 PM »
Someone just posted a link to this article on another thread, so I will post here with the caveat that I just read this article 10 minutes ago and haven't tried it yet, but the advice is pretty interesting. Basically, it says that we can take some lessons from exotic animal trainers in our relationships with our significant others.

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html?ex=1169438400&en=3edcee0d461222fa&ei=5087&excamp=mkt_shamu&_r=0
« Last Edit: May 24, 2016, 08:20:00 PM by FrugalShrew »

Roots&Wings

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Re: The Happy Marriage Resources Thread
« Reply #65 on: May 25, 2016, 11:06:32 AM »
I'm going to add the Myers-Briggs test. It helped me know how I operate and how DH operates and things to watch out for and be conscious of.

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp

Here's another link that explains MBTI, and doesn't cost anything.
https://www.personalitypage.com/html/portraits.html

The personality descriptions here have been exceptionally helpful in understanding my partner (and vice versa): https://www.16personalities.com/personality-types

And, the Wait But Why How to Pick a Life Partner post was helpful for  me in managing expectations and communication:

In searching for your life partner or assessing your current life partnership, itís important to remember that every relationship is flawed and you probably wonít end up in something that gets an A in every one of the above items and bullet pointsóbut you should hope to do pretty well on most of them, since each one plays a large part in your lifelong happiness.

DeepEllumStache

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Re: The Happy Marriage Resources Thread
« Reply #66 on: May 25, 2016, 11:38:27 AM »
And, the Wait But Why How to Pick a Life Partner post was helpful for  me in managing expectations and communication:

In searching for your life partner or assessing your current life partnership, itís important to remember that every relationship is flawed and you probably wonít end up in something that gets an A in every one of the above items and bullet pointsóbut you should hope to do pretty well on most of them, since each one plays a large part in your lifelong happiness.

I loved that Wait But Why article.

TVRodriguez

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Re: The Happy Marriage Resources Thread
« Reply #67 on: May 25, 2016, 12:16:20 PM »
We hit a rough patch in our marriage a bit a go (who doesn't in a marriage that's lasted almost 25 years).  We went to therapy and the therapist sucked but she told us to read Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and it helped a lot in how we communicated about problems in our marriage. We're on the same page most of the time but when we're not it can get ugly and what we learned helped us navigate our disagreements.

Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg was a huge help to me in the first fights in our marriage.  I also liked the Five Love Languages (which was a wedding gift).  I will mention that these were books that I read by myself; DH never read them, and yet they were still helpful.

Fight Less, Love More is another book (written by a divorce attorney) that's been useful at times.  NVC was really the best overall.  At first it felt a little stilted to be talking the way it recommends, but it soon became easier, and the results really were astonishing to me.  NVC reminds me of the best parenting book I've used, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.