Author Topic: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?  (Read 3937 times)

lifejoy

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Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« on: January 27, 2019, 08:42:40 AM »
DH is making lots of money. I am a SAHM. We have around $450,000 in savings. No house yet. No debt. We have a beautiful toddler, 1.5 years old.

Iíve been spending like crazy. Why? I am exhausted and depressed. Retail therapy feels good in the moment. Makes me feel like I can reinvent myself into someone beautiful and worthwhile. Yes, this is aspirational spending at its finest. And it doesnít work.

Iím doing counselling, paying for part-time childcare, and trying to regain my frugality muscle. My motivation is LOW though. DH makes $20-30k a month... and weíre saving at least 50% a month. But the frivolous spending is not in line with how I want us to live our lives.

But I feel like crap all the time, and buying creature comforts and lifeís luxuries makes me feel better for a hot minute. Iím a mess.

Debt motivates me. Surplus of wealth does not.

Any suggestions on how to tap into a better saving mindset?

Last year I bought ZERO clothing, which was great. But full abstinence doesnít teach me controlled and budgeted spending habits.

Agh. Sorry for the weird ramble. Any high earners have advice on how to pretend like you need to live on a budget?

rockstache

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2019, 08:51:17 AM »
She’s ONE AND A HALF? Where does the time go? I’m so glad to see you pop in to say hi, although I’m sorry you’re not doing too well. I don’t have a lot of help to offer but I will be following since I just had my own and the temptation to spend for convenience is real.

MDM

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #2 on: January 27, 2019, 09:33:22 AM »
Debt motivates me. Surplus of wealth does not.
How much do you "owe" until you are FI?  In other words, if your FI target is $2,000,000 and you currently have $450K invested, you owe $1,550,000 on your FI debt.  Start paying off that debt.

Proletariat

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #3 on: January 27, 2019, 10:05:48 AM »
I think if you really come to terms with the fact that that firehose of cash isn't going to last forever and it could be cut off basically at any time you will realign your spending with that fact. And also you've also realized how retail therapy is the cheapest form of therapy in terms of its effectiveness. It's horribly effective. You have to start doing the thing you want to be doing and only then do you start to buy things that make that easier/better even though it's unlikely you need to buy anything at all.

I don't really understand what you're saying when you say "debt motivates me". If you're saving 50% of income already and have a surplus then debt does not motivate you because you don't have any...and clearly even if you did nothing different (although that's not an option since you're already burnt out) you wouldn't be hurting that bad in the long run.

I've been going through basically the same thing though...I realize I really don't want anything in life at all other than basic comforts that everyone expects. Yes I can spend and pretend like that is doing something for me and of course it does provide some temporary comfort and relief but it never lasts. I am content just writing, reading, and exercising most days. I would consider myself semi-FI. I have a side business that requires little effort. But I have no motivation to save some crazy sum of money and invest it either because I see life now as so damn simple that it just doesn't make sense to work that hard.

I used to be HIGHLY motivated to make and save as much as possible...and I've acquired a similar amount as well. But now I have plateaued and I see no reason to work super hard anymore...especially when you look around and see people who have made as much as you in a year or even half a year...or days at the extreme end - and then they're actually no happier than you either. Bottom line is it just doesn't matter what you have. No amount of money or possessions or work or anything will bring contentment. You never "arrive".

What's worked for me lately is just imagining what I would be doing if I weren't constantly thinking or worrying about money. It's a good thought experiment because you would probably actually have less if everything were free. If you could have whatever you want whenever you wanted you would eventually not want any of it and just focus on the one or two things that you really want which is to be creative and make others feel good/special.

Dicey

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #4 on: January 27, 2019, 10:12:57 AM »
I have missed you so! Welcome back. More later, I promise.

Sibley

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #5 on: January 27, 2019, 10:48:59 AM »
Automate and impose artificial poverty. Setup auto transfers to the investments to get the money out of reach. Determine what your spending budget is, pull that in cash or whatever makes sense, and once it's gone then you're done. Maybe doesn't fix the problem, but it limits the damage.

Being a parent of a little one is hard and exhausting. You're doing the right things to take care of yourself, give it some time to kick in.

Tuskalusa

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #6 on: January 27, 2019, 11:58:57 AM »
Hi There!  Thanks for your honest post. Those little kid years are hard, and you donít see a lot of acknowledgement of how mind-numbing the day today is when taking care of little kids. For what itís worth, an alternative that worked for me was a YMCA membership. Whenever I want to hit the mall, I go to the Y instead. Iíve made some friends. I feel better.  And they have daycare!

daverobev

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2019, 12:14:29 PM »
I think suggestions for frugality are one thing, but won't help the underlying issues.

Hey, young children are hard. Very very hard. I find it particularly so as an introvert. I think spending time doing what you love, while not having to deal with child related stuff, is a good way out (so, I would love it when my wife took the children away for a couple of days and I could just... chill. Read a book with no interruptions. Etc.).

Regarding the spending I would say you need an entirely separate chequing account with an allowance that is reasonable, and a credit card with a limit equal to that monthly allowance. It is then yours to do with as you wish, but it is a hard limit - that is your personal/discretionary spending.

I would suggest time in nature, if you can get it. For me, actually, driving helps (assuming it is country/non commute!) - the worrying part of my brain is taken up with the driving and the rest of me can relax. Walking is good, too.

katscratch

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2019, 12:24:16 PM »
Are you both on track with your savings goals? And you're not so much struggling with the dollar amount you're spending, as you are the reason you're spending on things you feel are not in line with your values?


If you're ok with the dollar amount being spent, then maybe you can look instead at spending money on yourself in ways that are healthier for where you are at. Something or things that improve life for you but that are still pampering yourself in a way. You'd have to figure out what that means -- for me right now while I'm on a strict budget, it means spending money on gym classes and a particular style of yoga that both help with my physical and emotional health. In the summer it means driving to state parks to hike with my dog (and my son when he was young). 

If I had the cash right now, I'd have no problem spending on a weekly massage and sauna -- but I would have a problem with spending on new clothes or frequent haircuts. The latter to me doesn't improve my life as much as the first would.


Maybe you have an interest that you could develop more right now? I'm totally making up hypotheticals here - but say you normally find yourself buying things like candles or jewelry or clothes on impulse. And say you really enjoy Greek food. You could shift the spending to learning new recipes and buying new ingredients.

Yes, you'd still be spending on non-essential things -- but it sounds like you're early in the process of dealing with 'frivolous spending' and going cold turkey like you said doesn't help you flex your 'no' muscles. Add a young kiddo to the mix; that's challenging on its own. It sounds like you probably do have room to spend a bit on something you enjoy, and for now maybe it makes sense to allow a little grace for slowly building new spending habits while not putting pressure on yourself to stop entirely.

FatFI2025

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2019, 12:38:10 PM »
IMO finances are a secondary issue. Your post reflects a cycle of negative thinking. You get a little pleasure hit from retail therapy, but then the effectiveness is completely countered by your remorse afterward, and then some. This is a familiar feeling to me and I suggest you focus on reducing the remorse, identifying the negative emotion and disallowing it.

It's unlikely that efforts to reduce your retail therapy (or any guilty pleasure) through self-discipline will work and failure will worsen your depression. If you instead focus on the other end of the equation -- the unreasonable negative feelings of guilt -- recognize and kill them, you will feel less like crap. Over time your retail therapy impulse will wane as you refocus on other activities.

Remember that "toughen up" is not an effective approach for depression, so be aware that some typical MMM advice focused on consumer automatons does not apply to you. Those consumers have the opposite problem from you, shopping themselves into debt without any negative feelings whatsoever.

Thanks for sharing! Keep us posted on your journey.

birdie55

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #10 on: January 27, 2019, 01:11:49 PM »
If you are going to buy a house, maybe you need a savings goal for that.  Then rebuild your other savings. 

lifejoy

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #11 on: January 27, 2019, 01:13:28 PM »
Can I just say, you guys are amazing? Iím going to read this in greater detail later. Iíve been away from MMM for at least a year sort of, because I felt like maybe I wouldnít fit in anymore. Your kindness and amazing ideas are showing me that I do belong here :)

Iím at work now but Iíll post more later. Yes Iím a SAHM but I work 11 hours a week heh.

This post really resonated with me.

lhamo

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #12 on: January 27, 2019, 01:50:46 PM »
welcome back -- we've missed you.  Can't believe the little one is so big already!

Do you guys have a plan to buy a house?  I know it isn't always financially optimal, but having a mortgage to pay off is one way to focus the extra cash.  Plus various long-term beneficial upgrades can be a way to soothe the spending urge (I'm thinking things like installing solar, developing a garden, etc).

Have you watched the Marie Kondo series on Netflix yet?  seeing the amount of crap most people accumulate in their homes sure inspires me to do the opposite....

Cassie

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #13 on: January 27, 2019, 02:00:01 PM »
It sounds like you need something more fun to do besides shopping.  If you know other SAHMís rotate every week a play date with the kids and the moms talk. Maybe story hour at the library or a mommy and me swim class.  Maybe you need ďmeĒ time such as a gym with daycare. Depression is hard.  Sending a hug:))

WhiteTrashCash

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #14 on: January 27, 2019, 03:07:08 PM »
Have you ever harbored a dream of being some kind of artist or performer or writer or creative type? Now is the time to do it. You could start a blog/podcast/create drawings or paintings/join a community theater group, etc. Stretch your artistic muscles and give it a shot.

MrThatsDifferent

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #15 on: January 27, 2019, 04:00:52 PM »
Ok, this will sound weird and whacky, but itís what I got for ya right now: by your admission, youíre not living the life you want and youíve transgressed your own values, so, perhaps you should serve some time for that? How do people in your situation serve time? Community service. Homeless shelters, hospitals, and/or any charity that works with people who donít have it as good as you. Not so you feel guilty, so your reminded of how much privilege you have and how so many survive with less. You can even bring your kid along to some of those things, just so the kid doesnít grow up spoiled. You know you have it good but it may make you weak and lazy and that serves no one. Be stronger. Commit to spending money on experiences, not things. And never lose your connection to humanity and your respect and empathy for others. Good luck.

Freedomin5

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #16 on: January 27, 2019, 04:26:12 PM »
Hello from a fellow high earning family. Also no debt except for a teeny mortgage that we are not paying off because of the low interest rate.

I have to admit Iím not the most frugal on the forums. But I also do not feel guilty for the spending that I am doing currently, even the frivolous things such as buying lunch when Iím at work, ordering in, taking taxis, going back to Canada every summer...oh, and buying a cottage.

What has worked for me is:

1. Setting a FI goal.
2. Setting a monthly savings target based on that FI goal (our target is currently $11k per month, with a stretch goal of $12k. Bonuses also go into savings).
3. Giving myself permission to spend the rest and choosing not to feel guilty about it.

If youíre feeling guilty about your spending, examine the thoughts that are contributing to the feelings of guilt. What are the messages you are giving to yourself? ďBuying this will make you less stressedĒ? ďYou deserve thisĒ? ďDonít you want to be a yummy mummyĒ? (As a mom of a four year old in expat Shanghai, trust me, the community magazines are chock full of articles on how to be a yummy mummy.  :P) Then find ways to examine the evidence and challenge the accuracy/validity of the thoughts.

For me, what helped with the guilt was changing the narrative I was telling myself to something that felt more authentic to me. Iím buying a cottage because nature (which is sorely lacking in my neighborhood in China) gives me joy and restores me. 20-minute taxi rides actually do give me more energy at home to care for DD as I am not fighting with the crowds for over an hour. And eating out is healthier and cheaper than packing lunch.

As mentioned by a previous poster, spending wisely is not about depriving myself, itís about selecting the things that truly add value to my life.

Paul der Krake

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #17 on: January 27, 2019, 04:43:25 PM »
Sounds like you need to find something to do. Regardless of what it is, whether it pays or not, just make sure it matters to you.

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #18 on: January 27, 2019, 05:16:38 PM »
ďreinvent myself into someone beautiful and worthwhileď This is already true, you just donít feel its truth now, which sucks.
Iím sorry things are rough. Winter in Canada with a toddler sounds rough. My time with toddlers also felt hard - frankly, I was mildly depressed through a lot of those years. And gotta say that therapy was not as helpful for me as I wished. What did help is spending a few years focusing on figuring out what I love, what my true interests are, which turns out are very different than I had thought. Also, I really recommend some alternative health therapies that help heal the energetic piece that traditional therapy canít reach. Acupuncture, EFT, meditation, various body-based healing methods - youíd have to look around for whatís available near you, but if you switch your spending from a momentary fix to true self-care and self-healing, youíll be investing in your future happiness, and the dividends go on for the rest of your life, and your childís life. Hugs!

tralfamadorian

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #19 on: January 27, 2019, 07:33:38 PM »
Welcome back! I presume that at least some of the impulse spending is online? If so, I would block your triggering websites on the devices with which you are shopping and delete any auto-saved card details. Put the cards in a box with a note to yourself. Place some barriers between yourself and impulse purchases.

Of course working through your emotional reasons for spending you are not happy with is more important but sometimes breaking the physical want-->click that retailers have engineered to make purchases so fast and dopamine filled is useful in its own way.
« Last Edit: January 28, 2019, 06:54:26 AM by tralfamadorian »

AccidentialMustache

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #20 on: January 27, 2019, 08:55:10 PM »
Start recording a budget. Not mint or similar -- no automation. You do it yourself, for every penny you spend, into a spreadsheet. Parking meters too. Your change you dropped into the tip jar or leave a penny take a penny? That too. Get DH to do it too (or bring you receipts and its your job to input them).

My family uses a g drive spreadsheet + fillable form (category, amount, notes, and a "this actually was in <other month here>"). See if the desire not to fill in the #@*!(%$#@ form motivates you to not spend the money?

Alternately, get a FT job and quit being SAHM and I can't imagine the "I want my freedom back!" wouldn't be, ahem, motivating. Debt to target number = freedom.

Linea_Norway

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #21 on: January 28, 2019, 06:51:16 AM »
You might currently be suffering from being alone too much. Can you find other SAHMs and do something together, like visiting a park, a forest or a beach with the children? Or just visiting each other at home over coffee.

For me, the motivation to be extra frugal is to be able to retire early. For you this motivation is probably pretty weak, because your husband is currently financing your stay at home period. Doesn't your husband want to retire early? Could it be a motivation for you to help him reach this?

Would you be more motivated if you know you would have to build up your own pile of retirement stash? Divorces sometimes happen and women should not make themselves too dependent on their hubby.

danakado

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #22 on: January 28, 2019, 09:06:19 AM »
Maybe I'm reading too much into it but what sticks out to me is that you "feel like crap".  Figuring this part out should be priority #1.  I would guess you don't feel like crap because you are spending more than you want... you feel like crap because of other factors?  Newish mom, postpartum?  Don't want to put words in your mouth and I know you said you are seeing someone but  I think once you get your groove back so to speak the spending habits can be addressed.  Do you read frugalwoods?  In the fall she did a great post on ppd.  Again, I don't mean to say this is your issue.....!   But this phase of life can be very isolating and hard in general. 
Virtual hugs to you. 

terran

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #23 on: January 28, 2019, 12:04:32 PM »
I'm of the more naturally frugal persuasion, so this could be totally off base, but I think one of the not so secret secrets of frugality and mustachianism is that not spending shouldn't be a necessary evil to achieve your goals, it shouldn't be viewed as something temporary, it shouldn't be something you have to trick yourself into, you shouldn't have to hide money form yourself or create artificial scarcity.

Spending money feels good, in the short term. Doing drugs feels good (so I'm told), in the short term. Eating junk food feels good, in the short term. All of these make (most) people feel bad in the mid term (guilt and shame) and in the long term (when the negative effects of the behavior come in) when done to excess.

At least some "unnecessary" spending, certain drug use, eating a little junk food, etc is perfectly fine, healthy, and is something you can embrace if it matches with your values. When it causes mid term guilt, that's a sign it doesn't match your values and will probably ultimately make you unhappy. When it causes long term harm that's a sign that you've gone too far and you're harming yourself and will become unhappy eventually no matter how good it feels now. It sounds like you're in the mid term guilt and shame stage. You're still saving a ton, so long term harm is unlikely, but the guilt and shame means you're spending doesn't align with your values, so no matter how good it makes you feel in the short term it's going to make you feel worse after that.

What I'm trying to say is that you can use whatever tricks you want to curtail spending, and that will probably work (just like a diet works to lose weight), but until you get to a point where you can happily spend and stop spending when it won't make you happy mid and long term, you'll be stuck in a cycle of feeling deprived when you don't spend, guilty and ashamed when you do, and unhappy through it all. If you can really embrace frugality it becomes just how you live life and spending more stops sounding like something that would make you happier even short term because you've discovered where you happy spending level is. (not that this will solve everything for your as you need to find happy balances for all kinds of things in life, but at least you can reach your happy spending level).

Blonde Lawyer

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #24 on: January 28, 2019, 02:43:30 PM »
Did you work before your toddler came along? Is it possible you just aren't cut out to be a SAHM? I know I wouldn't be.  There is nothing wrong with deciding that you want to pay for childcare and return to work, even if the financial benefit is slim.  A lot of people get a lot of value out of working.  I know that's not popular on a site focused on early retirement.

Megs193

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #25 on: January 28, 2019, 02:57:17 PM »
My husband is also a high earner and for me itís not a about spending the least amount of money possible, itís just about making sure that my spending aligns with my values.  I go out to lunch with friends twice a week and that spending doesnít bother me because it brings me joy.  Getting take out on the other hand does bother me because it doesnít add any value to my life.  Whenever I am about to spend money I ask myself of it fits with my values. If the answer is yes I spend it without guilt. As nice as it is to have a spouse that earns a high income, for me at least, there were a lot of sacrifices.  He works and travels constantly and I do a large percentage of the parenting. If there is something that makes me happy or makes my life easier I spend the money.  I pay a cleaning person and comsidered firing them after some comments on this board. Once I set down and thought about it I realized that I hate cleaning so to waste 6 hours of my life a week on cleaning wasnít worth saving the money I pay them.

iris lily

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #26 on: January 28, 2019, 04:21:12 PM »
I remember when you awesomely paid off $$$ in student loans. Girl, you are fierce!

So, you may be missing those days of having an immediate financial purpose in front of you. Seeing goal directly in front of your eyes is a real motivator, that is for sure.

The idea above is a good oneósave money for a specific goal of FIRE. Then save money for a nice house.

Sure your DH may love his job  today and may not be able to grok FI, but it is entirely possible that job will go south. There is more than one physician on this board fed up with working. So if that happens to your DH, you will be able to assure him  he is ok to quit his soul sucking job, you guys have money to weather it, you have the array of options that a fat investment portfolio provides.

Get thee to FIRE. Maybe  it is $5 million for your household, who knows,  you have to send children to college!

I wont even ask what kind of jewelry you are buying these days. I just pulled the trigger on a sweet little ring on Etsy myself.   :)

pachnik

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #27 on: January 28, 2019, 04:31:10 PM »
I hope you deal with the feelings of exhaustion and depression first.   (I don't have kids so have no idea what being with a toddler is like.)   See what those things are about first and then see how the spending goes.    :)   

Laura33

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #28 on: January 28, 2019, 04:41:51 PM »
Hi lifejoy -- sorry you're struggling!  So, I'm going to project and hypothesize a bit, and if I'm completely off-base, forgive me.  You sound bored.  You sound like you love your baby (now toddler) more than life itself and truly enjoy your time with her and yet periodically find yourself bored shitless at the monotony of day after day with an always-needy small one and feel incredibly guilty that you are bored and so work out that emotion by buying stuff, because it gives you an endorphin hit and is either rationalizable (it's for the baby!) or makes you feel like you're still worth something for a moment (shinypretty for you).

I could be completely wrong.  Maybe that was just me.  If so, forget the previous paragraph.  ;-)

In any event, I suggest a thought exercise:  what if you viewed yourself not as a SAHM, but as already FIRE'd?  Because, umm, you are!  You never have to work again if you don't want to!  So:  what do you want your life to be like when you're FIRE'd?  What is that mental vision that you have been working and saving for?  Not the debt you've been (appropriately!) running away from -- what have you been running towards?  IOW, stop viewing FIRE as some amorphous future that you have been planning for, and start realizing that it is your life, right now, this very day.  So is this the life that you want -- who you want to be and how you want things to be for the rest of your life?

To me, this sounds like someone who either doesn't have a clear vision of FIRE (beyond "not have to work") or who had a clear vision ("stay home with my baby!") and yet is finding out that is not as all-encompassingly fulfilling as she expected it to be.  The spending is just the symptom, the temporary band-aid to plaster over the hole in your soul.  Which means it's time to re-think -- to either develop a clear vision and plan, or to revise the plan to add in something else that you need.  Now, for many people, the advice is to go back to work; certainly I was very happy to go back to work and exercise another part of my brain that did not get worked when I was home with my toddler.  But you're FIRE'd!  You don't ever have to work again!!  So what do you love, besides your child??  What part of your brain or heart or soul feels missing, lacking, wanting?  Your creativity?  An intellectual challenge?  Just throwing yourself whole-heartedly into something and forgetting everything else?  Adult time with friends without your own personal remora demanding your attention?  Commitment to a cause you care about?  Physical challenges?  There are as many different flavors as there are people.  Figure out what yours is, and then work that into your life. 

In the interim:  get enough sleep.  Eat well.  Give yourself downtime every day.  Get physical activity.  And try something new/different/hard, just to remind youself that you can, that you're still a powerful woman.  Because you are. 

use2betrix

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #29 on: January 28, 2019, 04:49:52 PM »
What are you typical days like? It sounds to me like you have too much free time that canít be actively filled.

Iím also a very high earner and young-ish (30 y/o) and my wife is 25. Sheís a stay at home dog mom as we dont have kids, yet.

I was thinking about your thread yesterday and talking to my wife about it, and I honestly feel like my wife stays so busy I canít imagine her having time for much of anything when thereís a kid at home. Sure, she certainly has some down time, but she does a lot around the house considering she doesnít really have any time consuming hobbies. A day for her might be, cooking the following days well balanced and measured meals. Cardio at the gym. Errands. Laundry. Cleaning. Walking the dog (usually 3-5 times a day, today she took him on a 3 mile walk). Grocery shopping. Etc.

Does your husband love to work? Does he mind your spending? Personally I cannot wait to FIRE and couldnít fathom my wife blowing through our money aside from our planned budget. That would extend my FIRE due to her spending when Iím the one working. I can only hope maybe he is similar to you or genuinely doesnít mind the spending.

lifejoy

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #30 on: January 28, 2019, 07:04:24 PM »
You guys are making me realize that I need daycare for my kid.

Our current city was supposed to be temporary, so I didnít get on any wait lists, and Iíve become an accidental SAHM and I am sooooo not cut out for it. The daycares that remain had bad reviews... everywhere else is full. Iíve been on wait lists at the ďgood onesĒ for about six months, and we have a nanny but having someone in my home is not the same kind of break as having my kid out of my home.

Iím realizing that Iím WAY happier if I get enough sleep, and have some time to do something for me each day.

Spending is just a crutch. Iím just using it to try and feel better for a second, and itís not addressing the overall structure of my life that is crushing me.

So much good insight here. I want to do individual responses but I might be too busy or too tired to get there.

use2betrix

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #31 on: January 28, 2019, 07:42:57 PM »
You guys are making me realize that I need daycare for my kid.

Our current city was supposed to be temporary, so I didnít get on any wait lists, and Iíve become an accidental SAHM and I am sooooo not cut out for it. The daycares that remain had bad reviews... everywhere else is full. Iíve been on wait lists at the ďgood onesĒ for about six months, and we have a nanny but having someone in my home is not the same kind of break as having my kid out of my home.

Iím realizing that Iím WAY happier if I get enough sleep, and have some time to do something for me each day.

Spending is just a crutch. Iím just using it to try and feel better for a second, and itís not addressing the overall structure of my life that is crushing me.

So much good insight here. I want to do individual responses but I might be too busy or too tired to get there.

So youíre a stay at home mom, already have a nanny, and now are thinking childcare is the right choice?

I hope this means you plan to go back to work full time?

iris lily

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #32 on: January 28, 2019, 08:40:40 PM »
You guys are making me realize that I need daycare for my kid.

Our current city was supposed to be temporary, so I didnít get on any wait lists, and Iíve become an accidental SAHM and I am sooooo not cut out for it. The daycares that remain had bad reviews... everywhere else is full. Iíve been on wait lists at the ďgood onesĒ for about six months, and we have a nanny but having someone in my home is not the same kind of break as having my kid out of my home.

Iím realizing that Iím WAY happier if I get enough sleep, and have some time to do something for me each day.

Spending is just a crutch. Iím just using it to try and feel better for a second, and itís not addressing the overall structure of my life that is crushing me.

So much good insight here. I want to do individual responses but I might be too busy or too tired to get there.

So youíre a stay at home mom, already have a nanny, and now are thinking childcare is the right choice?

I hope this means you plan to go back to work full time?

Why should she hsve to work full time? I dont get it.

lifejoy

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #33 on: January 28, 2019, 09:04:02 PM »
You guys are making me realize that I need daycare for my kid.

Our current city was supposed to be temporary, so I didnít get on any wait lists, and Iíve become an accidental SAHM and I am sooooo not cut out for it. The daycares that remain had bad reviews... everywhere else is full. Iíve been on wait lists at the ďgood onesĒ for about six months, and we have a nanny but having someone in my home is not the same kind of break as having my kid out of my home.

Iím realizing that Iím WAY happier if I get enough sleep, and have some time to do something for me each day.

Spending is just a crutch. Iím just using it to try and feel better for a second, and itís not addressing the overall structure of my life that is crushing me.

So much good insight here. I want to do individual responses but I might be too busy or too tired to get there.

So youíre a stay at home mom, already have a nanny, and now are thinking childcare is the right choice?

I hope this means you plan to go back to work full time?

Why should she hsve to work full time? I dont get it.

Let me clarify: I have a nanny for 15 hours a week. I work 11 hours a week. The extra 4 hours are so that I can leave the house without a baby once a week. I don't have family close by and my husband works a TON.

If I had full-time childcare, yes, I would work close to full-time. I don't want to sit at home and do nothing. I like work, for the most part. And I like variety. Anyways I hope that clears things up. The only reason I have a nanny is that I'm on the childcare wait lists. It would not be restful or enjoyable for me to have the nanny full time. I don't want someone in my house full time. Feels weird to me.

lifejoy

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #34 on: January 28, 2019, 09:10:18 PM »
Ok and I'll admit I'm feeling a bit defensive, so just in case you don't know me I suppose I should explain:

I moved all over Canada with my husband, following his career. Took some major hits on my own but gained adaptability etc etc.
I helped my husband crush his $80k of student loans. Woot!
I am staying home with our child even though I would be very ok with him staying at home and me going to work. However, the financial opportunity cost majorly favours him working and me staying at home.

Also... drumroll please: I couldn't find a jewelry job in this small city so I'm starting my own small jewelry business. Yay! Exciting, terrifying, wonderful. I've taken major steps and hope to launch soon. It's hard to devote time and energy to it right now.

This thread is helping me realize that I could use more time for self-care, and that my spending is ok AS LONG AS it's in line with my values. And what bothers me the most is that IT ISN'T (right now). So not to guilt myself terribly about the spending, but to just... realign my spending with my values (which will likely translate into a decrease anyways).

You guys have been majorly helpful and it's a huge help to kind of focus on these small steps. And I really appreciate the commiseration from those of you that have said: hey, the toddler years can be TOUGH. I am surrounded by new parent friends that seem to only share the joys of parenthood. It is so validating to have people acknowledge the suck of it all.

Linea_Norway

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #35 on: January 29, 2019, 12:12:01 AM »
Ok and I'll admit I'm feeling a bit defensive, so just in case you don't know me I suppose I should explain:

I moved all over Canada with my husband, following his career. Took some major hits on my own but gained adaptability etc etc.
I helped my husband crush his $80k of student loans. Woot!
I am staying home with our child even though I would be very ok with him staying at home and me going to work. However, the financial opportunity cost majorly favours him working and me staying at home.

Also... drumroll please: I couldn't find a jewelry job in this small city so I'm starting my own small jewelry business. Yay! Exciting, terrifying, wonderful. I've taken major steps and hope to launch soon. It's hard to devote time and energy to it right now.

This thread is helping me realize that I could use more time for self-care, and that my spending is ok AS LONG AS it's in line with my values. And what bothers me the most is that IT ISN'T (right now). So not to guilt myself terribly about the spending, but to just... realign my spending with my values (which will likely translate into a decrease anyways).

You guys have been majorly helpful and it's a huge help to kind of focus on these small steps. And I really appreciate the commiseration from those of you that have said: hey, the toddler years can be TOUGH. I am surrounded by new parent friends that seem to only share the joys of parenthood. It is so validating to have people acknowledge the suck of it all.

You are starting your own business! That sounds exciting and it also sounds like a good place for you to use your skills and intellect and get in touch with customers and suppliers. And it can be as small or big as you like.

It seems like you sacrificed your own career for your husband. You deserve your few hours a week of alone time apart from your toddler. I don't have children myself, but I can so imagine that you would need a break from a toddler now and then. They can be very all consuming. Other mothers might not talk about it, because it is more socially acceptable to talk about the positive aspects of motherhood.

daverobev

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #36 on: January 29, 2019, 02:53:23 AM »
You guys are making me realize that I need daycare for my kid.

Our current city was supposed to be temporary, so I didnít get on any wait lists, and Iíve become an accidental SAHM and I am sooooo not cut out for it. The daycares that remain had bad reviews... everywhere else is full. Iíve been on wait lists at the ďgood onesĒ for about six months, and we have a nanny but having someone in my home is not the same kind of break as having my kid out of my home.

Iím realizing that Iím WAY happier if I get enough sleep, and have some time to do something for me each day.

Spending is just a crutch. Iím just using it to try and feel better for a second, and itís not addressing the overall structure of my life that is crushing me.

So much good insight here. I want to do individual responses but I might be too busy or too tired to get there.

So youíre a stay at home mom, already have a nanny, and now are thinking childcare is the right choice?

I hope this means you plan to go back to work full time?

Why should she hsve to work full time? I dont get it.

Let me clarify: I have a nanny for 15 hours a week. I work 11 hours a week. The extra 4 hours are so that I can leave the house without a baby once a week. I don't have family close by and my husband works a TON.

If I had full-time childcare, yes, I would work close to full-time. I don't want to sit at home and do nothing. I like work, for the most part. And I like variety. Anyways I hope that clears things up. The only reason I have a nanny is that I'm on the childcare wait lists. It would not be restful or enjoyable for me to have the nanny full time. I don't want someone in my house full time. Feels weird to me.

No need to clarify, use2betrix is just being incredibly rude. (Edit: Judgmental in a way that seems to suggest work for work's sake is important, which is baffling in the context of what this entire forum is about).
« Last Edit: January 29, 2019, 02:56:12 AM by daverobev »

Laura33

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #37 on: January 29, 2019, 06:55:21 AM »
I am surrounded by new parent friends that seem to only share the joys of parenthood.

Dare to be open about your own problems.  I bet $20 that most will be glad to let down their own Wall O' Perfect.  And those who don't get it and think less of you for being human aren't worth your friendship anyway.

IMO moving all over the country and having a baby is extra hard, because you never have time to build up the strong ties you need for your own little "village" -- one of which is people you trust enough to feel like you can talk to openly when life really sucks.  But it is also identity:  when we moved with an infant, I was very unsettled and depressed, and it took me a while to realize that a big part of it was that I felt like I had disappeared as an independent person.  At daycare and with mom friends, I was "DD's mom"; at home and with DH's work friends, I was "DH's wife."  Not one person in that whole town knew me as just "Laura."  Work was my lifeline then, even though it was thousands of miles away and I didn't do very much of it -- not for the money, not for ego or prestige or anything, but because it was the only place I spent time with people who knew me as just me, and who reminded me I was a worthwhile person just as myself.

Blonde Lawyer

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #38 on: January 29, 2019, 11:21:55 AM »
Saying it louder so it sinks in for any haters out there: there is NOTHING wrong with not wanting to stay home raising kids.  Would you raise an eyebrow at a dad that wanted to work? Probably not.  Women are not inherently better at teaching children than men.  You know who is? Daycare providers.  The people who go to school to learn how to teach little people and teach them the right way with the right amount of enrichment.   

Don't say "why have them then" either because I can guarantee you, you weren't saying it to all the men working all these years.  You still raise your child even if that means you find the right person to watch them during the day.  You still pick out their care providers and nurture them on nights and weekends.  Please feel ZERO guilt about this. 

Paul der Krake

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #39 on: January 29, 2019, 11:28:58 AM »
Also... drumroll please: I couldn't find a jewelry job in this small city so I'm starting my own small jewelry business. Yay! Exciting, terrifying, wonderful. I've taken major steps and hope to launch soon. It's hard to devote time and energy to it right now.

This thread is helping me realize that I could use more time for self-care, and that my spending is ok AS LONG AS it's in line with my values. And what bothers me the most is that IT ISN'T (right now). So not to guilt myself terribly about the spending, but to just... realign my spending with my values (which will likely translate into a decrease anyways).
This is fantastic. Go you!

Megs193

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #40 on: January 29, 2019, 02:16:36 PM »
Saying it louder so it sinks in for any haters out there: there is NOTHING wrong with not wanting to stay home raising kids.  Would you raise an eyebrow at a dad that wanted to work? Probably not.  Women are not inherently better at teaching children than men.  You know who is? Daycare providers.  The people who go to school to learn how to teach little people and teach them the right way with the right amount of enrichment.   

Don't say "why have them then" either because I can guarantee you, you weren't saying it to all the men working all these years.  You still raise your child even if that means you find the right person to watch them during the day.  You still pick out their care providers and nurture them on nights and weekends.  Please feel ZERO guilt about this.

I agree that there is nothing wrong with working but I think by saying daycare workers are inherently better than moms at teaching kids you are putting down SAHMís. I have been a working mom and a stay at home mom and I currently work part time so I have been in every situation. I never felt like my kids daycare teachers were better than me at teaching my kids. I thought they were great people and my kids got everything they needed but to imply they are better isnít fair to stay at home moms who really thrive in their role.

Blonde Lawyer

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #41 on: January 29, 2019, 03:08:09 PM »
Saying it louder so it sinks in for any haters out there: there is NOTHING wrong with not wanting to stay home raising kids.  Would you raise an eyebrow at a dad that wanted to work? Probably not.  Women are not inherently better at teaching children than men.  You know who is? Daycare providers.  The people who go to school to learn how to teach little people and teach them the right way with the right amount of enrichment.   

Don't say "why have them then" either because I can guarantee you, you weren't saying it to all the men working all these years.  You still raise your child even if that means you find the right person to watch them during the day.  You still pick out their care providers and nurture them on nights and weekends.  Please feel ZERO guilt about this.

I agree that there is nothing wrong with working but I think by saying daycare workers are inherently better than moms at teaching kids you are putting down SAHMís. I have been a working mom and a stay at home mom and I currently work part time so I have been in every situation. I never felt like my kids daycare teachers were better than me at teaching my kids. I thought they were great people and my kids got everything they needed but to imply they are better isnít fair to stay at home moms who really thrive in their role.

Very true.  Not sure how I could edit it to say what you said here any better so I will just agree with you and hope people read your reply before they respond to me.  :)

Cassie

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #42 on: January 29, 2019, 05:15:40 PM »
Itís hard to have a baby and live far from family. I went through that. As much as you love your kids you crave adult conversations and itís not all roses. I bet if you opened up to some of the moms they might be real with you. 

Poundwise

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #43 on: January 29, 2019, 08:02:19 PM »
Hey lifejoy!  Glad to see you stopping by!

Yes, being an accidental SAHM can be a real downer... I know it quite well!

On how to rein in the spending... I recently learned about the No-S diet. What about adapting it so that it is No-Spend, except on S days?

But then you need to find an alternative to idly visiting your favorite jewelry sites... is there some other goal you'd like to accomplish, like exercising or working on some new skill?

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #44 on: January 29, 2019, 08:36:18 PM »
Toddlers are wonderful and hard.

I love Laura33's posts especially.

I have a 2yo and get the feeling the crap. Mine also sleeps like crap, still, and everything is hard when one is this tired.  You may already have something that works for you, but: Recently I found MommaStrong and I love it. 5-15 minutes a day, with emphasis on showing up and winning ugly, exercises that help with various post-partum issues, $5/month, a real focus on being kind to yourself and how taking care of you helps take care of everyone. . Iíve been prioritizing doing my 15 minutes during naptime above pretty much all else and in a month Iíve seen significant improvements in my mood and body, despite a year of little physical activity prior.

Apologies if that doesnít sound like what you need, exercise proselytizing feels a little gross, but weíre at similar life stages so I couldnít help sharing.

Tuskalusa

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #45 on: January 30, 2019, 05:14:03 AM »
When my kid was that age, I had a part time job and full time daycare. People thought I was crazy or selfish or whatever. But it was seriously great to have 2 days with the house to myself. I could do chores and do things for myself on my own time. Even just having time to prep a meal and take a shower was life changing.

Fingers crossed that a spot on a waitlist opens up. You sound like a total badass smashing debt and starting your own business. It sounds like youíve spent a lot of time looking after others (as moms and wives often do).  Getting some daycare help so you can focus on yourself for a bit sounds like an excellent next step!

MrOnyx

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #46 on: January 30, 2019, 05:21:07 AM »
Debt motivates me. Surplus of wealth does not.
How much do you "owe" until you are FI?  In other words, if your FI target is $2,000,000 and you currently have $450K invested, you owe $1,550,000 on your FI debt.  Start paying off that debt.

I like this. This is perfect. View your remaining FI target as a debt that needs to be paid off, if that's what motivates you.

Another suggestion would be to automate more of the money being tucked away before you have a chance to spend it. Mine is automatically saved the day after it arrives in my bank account. I still feel like I'm a broke student because I never allow my current bank balance to spill over too much. That's my monthly budget, and after I've spent on the essentials, there is only so much left to be spent on other things, should I find myself unable to resist the temptation.

Chranstronaut

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #47 on: February 06, 2019, 02:29:47 PM »
Have you watched the Marie Kondo series on Netflix yet?  seeing the amount of crap most people accumulate in their homes sure inspires me to do the opposite....

I was just thinking the same thing.  LJ, you seem like someone that would enjoy a good KonMari since you derive such joy from your jewelry.  I find myself doing mini-KonMari sessions a few times a year since I did the first one a while back.  It's less about sorting things out and more about taking time to foster gratitude in my heart for the things I have and learn how to let go of that which I don't need.  It truly makes me want less because the emotions surrounding it have been better addressed.  A lot of the good advice here is always about those pesky emotions and not so much about the money :)

Also... drumroll please: I couldn't find a jewelry job in this small city so I'm starting my own small jewelry business. Yay! Exciting, terrifying, wonderful. I've taken major steps and hope to launch soon. It's hard to devote time and energy to it right now.

YAY! I have held my fingers crossed for you to start a jewelry business since the LibraryJoy days!

I don't have anything else to add except that you kick butt, and I'm glad you're on the forum.

Krolik

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #48 on: February 07, 2019, 11:23:16 AM »
Hang in there, it will get better and easier. My daughter just turned 8 but I remember all these feelings your are describing. We also moved across the country when our daughter was 18 months old for husband's job and I had to quit mine. I am also not a SAHM type and struggled with being at home and hated it. But with time, found a job, found a daycare and got out of the house. I love my daughter more than anything in the world but I also think that being a parent is the hardest job you will have in your life. Not having family nearby makes it extra hard and hearing other parents how wonderful everything is (which often is not true) make you feel even more isolated and depressed. You are not alone, so hang in there because it will get easier. Children don't stay toddlers forever :-) Wait till they start talking back...;-)

Rosy

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Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
« Reply #49 on: February 07, 2019, 01:32:42 PM »
Re: Super high income and no debt- how can I get back on track?
You are not off track, just slip sliding a bit - welcome to the club:)

Hi, lifejoy it is good to see you post - missed ya:)! For once I have very little to say about your current situation except for it will get better.
Please view this as a temporary, utterly irritating and confusing time - don't you just hate it when your expectations of life are not met?
Obviously, to outsiders, you should be over the moon with happiness.
Life never works that way.

You've already taken your first important step toward another new life - starting a small business - KUDOS. Enterprising as ever:)
Don't worry too much about what you "should" feel and what you should "appreciate" or how much you are "allowed to spend" to "be' this or that.
Right now, you are a mom who doesn't like her new life - none of that has anything to do with high income or no debt. You are going through a phase that is highly guilt inducing, but rest assured, you are not stuck in a new reality with no way out - you have plenty of options, exercise all of them:)

Being a SAHM is a wonderful thing, but it isn't the be all and end all and some of us crave more of a challenge in our lives than that. I loved staying home with my son the first year of his life, but after that, I was more than ready to go back to work. I was lucky that I felt no post partum blues, just utter bliss.
You'll get through this and you'll be fine - you are simply entering a different, new phase in your life - and - as always, you have choices as to how exactly you'd like your new life to look like.