Author Topic: Student Perplexed  (Read 14454 times)

student4life

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Student Perplexed
« on: August 28, 2015, 05:57:40 PM »
I'm hoping everyone could give me some advise with my situation. I'm a 20 yo (soon to be 21) student from Oregon from lower-middle class family. I was attending ASU for 2 years for engineering. My first year I did well (only getting a D in one class out of 8 classes) which I didn't tell my parents. But in my second year, I was overwhelmed with my classes and didn't do well, and ultimately got expelled.

My parents asked me to show them my grades but I fudged them so they didn't know. This included the one D I got the first semester. I didn't tell my parents that I was expelled and went back to AZ after summer.  They got a letter about something and when they called the school, found out I was no longer a student. They confronted me about it and I confessed.  My parents were very upset and my dad was beyond himself but eventually helped me move back home.

For the two years I was in college, I incurred a 40K outstanding student loan.  I have a part time job right now making $10 hr. I've saved over the years and have about 20K in savings. My parents let me go out with friends and do other activities. I now attend community college and my Dad drives me to and from school. There's also a car I can drive.  I don't pay any rent or expenses.

I bought 3 cell phones for about $500 each (one broke) and the other I returned when my parents found out. I also purchased a laptop for $1000. I already had one but it was slow. I didn't consult my parents on any of the purchases and when they found out they were mad and again, my dad was beyond himself.

They told me this has caused them a great deal of stress and they are very disappointed in my decisions. My dad was yelling at me about my lying and sneakiness. My parents have always lectured me on money and other life experiences over the years. My dad has always told me to read Bogleheads and Money Mustache. My dad doesn't trust me anymore and the relationship is strained.  My dad asked me why am I buying all of these things when I have an outstanding student loan of 40K. They've given me the option to stay and live by their rules or I can leave and find a place of my own and I can do whatever I want and don't have to answer to them. What should I do? My dad told me to post my dilemma to see if I'm out of line.
« Last Edit: August 28, 2015, 05:59:22 PM by student4life »

fa

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2015, 06:13:07 PM »
What should I do? My dad told me to post my dilemma to see if I'm out of line.

Warning.  Facepunch coming!!

I got angry just reading this post.  You won't get sympathy here.  Are you serious?  You are way too old to do stuff like this.  Your parents obviously trusted you when they should not have.  I don't know why you have to learn ethics when you are 20 years old.

I recommend enlisting in the military to learn discipline, honesty, job skills and obtain money from the post 9-11 GI bill.  That way you don't need to ask your parents for help and tuition after you leave the service.  If you were my child you would not have the option to live at home.  Like I said, no sympathy here.  Sorry.  That's how I feel about this.  You just need to grow up outside of mom and dad's house and at your own expense.  I think the military would do you a boatload of good.  End of facepunch.

JLee

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #2 on: August 28, 2015, 06:31:57 PM »
What should I do? My dad told me to post my dilemma to see if I'm out of line.

Warning.  Facepunch coming!!

I got angry just reading this post.  You won't get sympathy here.  Are you serious?  You are way too old to do stuff like this.  Your parents obviously trusted you when they should not have.  I don't know why you have to learn ethics when you are 20 years old.

I recommend enlisting in the military to learn discipline, honesty, job skills and obtain money from the post 9-11 GI bill.  That way you don't need to ask your parents for help and tuition after you leave the service.  If you were my child you would not have the option to live at home.  Like I said, no sympathy here.  Sorry.  That's how I feel about this.  You just need to grow up outside of mom and dad's house and at your own expense.  I think the military would do you a boatload of good.  End of facepunch.
Yeah, I'm right with you there.  I'm not even sorry...this is a reality check. Welcome to life - it's time to grow up.

lbmustache

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2015, 06:33:01 PM »
I am also with your parents on this one. Why do you need THREE $500 (I'm assuming iPhone or something equally fancy) phones? You realize your parents are doing a lot to help you out right?

You are asking for advice but you already know the correct answer to your question.

1) Start tackling the student loans while you live at home. You've saved up $20k so far. Save up more.
2) See if you can get another job or move to full-time. Are you just going to school to make your parents happy or are you genuinely interested?
3) Quit being an ass to your parents. With that kind of attitude, I would've told you you're on your own.

Kaikou

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2015, 07:07:00 PM »
So what have you learned? telling your story like a "more you know" topic is insulting to your parents. Thank them for not kicking your ungrateful butt out to the curb.

Better put those phones on ebay. Your a real hustler. Must be an only child.

What do YOU think you should do next?

MrsPete

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #5 on: August 28, 2015, 07:12:08 PM »
I've gotta say I'm with the others. 

You've not only hidden important facts from your parents:  You've flat-out laid plans to deceive them.  You're living beyond your financial means because they are supporting you by allowing you to live at home.  You have been able to save 20K because they are feeding you dinner every night and providing you with a bed.  (By the way, you should send that to the student loan people right away and pay down your debt.)   You owe your parents more respect.  What you're describing are the actions of a child, and you are no longer a child.  It's time to clean up your act. 

You seem capable.  Get yourself back in school -- with a college expulsion, community college is probably the only option open to you.  Go.  Choose a major that will lead to a good job.  Work hard.  Don't hide anything from your parents; if you're not willing to tell what you're doing, you shouldn't be doing it. 

« Last Edit: August 28, 2015, 07:15:06 PM by MrsPete »

Gray Matter

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #6 on: August 28, 2015, 07:28:07 PM »
I generally have more sympathy/tolerance for bad behavior than most people here, but even I am struggling to find any in this situation.  You are young, and you have lessons to learn, but you are displaying way more immaturity than your age warrants.  Even more concerning than the poor decisions, and repeated attempts to deceive your parents, is the fact that I hear no remorse in your tone.  You're conveying that your parents are disappointed in you?  What about you?  I would expect someone in your situation to be thinking:  I can't believe I've acted this way, I've let my parents down and they deserve so much better, this isn't who I am or want to be, I'm going to make this up to them and to myself, do better, etc.  And that doesn't mean it would be easy, but the attitude would be the right one to help you get there.

In my opinion, you should be being so hard on yourself right now that I could find some of that sympathy I usually have in order to tell you to stop beating up on yourself, you're not a piece of crap, you just made some mistakes that you can now rectify--but you didn't give me an opportunity to do that.

I think you owe your parents major apologies and amends.  The good news is, you are young, you can use this as a growth experience, and you've got a bright future head of you, but you've got to find some integrity.  I believe that your parents are on your side, and if they're upset/angry/disappointed, you should listen to them instead of being defensive or making excuses. 

Jakejake

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #7 on: August 28, 2015, 07:31:45 PM »
I'm joining the pile on. By your age, I had graduated college (did it early), and was working full time in the army, not living off my parents. I was also extremely frugal, which means not immediately running out to buy cars or blow my army bonus in other stupid ways.

You've borrowed money to finance your general laziness at college, and it doesn't make sense for you to be buying 500 dollar phones when you haven't already paid for the previous things you've bought (access to college courses). Don't keep buying luxury items until you've paid for the last ones - and paid the cost of your own existence.

If I were your parents, at this point I would only agree to have you living at home if you paid them a reasonable amount for room and board - which, IF I were feeling generous, I would then pay directly to your student loans before you had a chance to do something foolish with it.

As for moving so you don't have to "answer" to them ... if you acted like the adult man you are, and made decisions accordingly, I don't believe you'd have to be answering to them. I'm sure the dynamics between you and them are terrible right now, but that's on you to change those dynamics. Instead of continually lying about the kind of person you are, just be the kind of man you should be.

Mikila

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #8 on: August 28, 2015, 07:37:58 PM »
You are "out of line."  Although technically you are an adult, you are acting like a spoiled child.  You think they were upset that you didn't consult them regarding your purchases?  You owe them tons of money for supporting you.  You owe on student loans.  You are spending and saving other people's money. 

The only way you are going to grow up is to get off the tit.  Leave Mommy and Daddy.  This is another vote for you to join the military.

Good luck! 

College Stash

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #9 on: August 28, 2015, 08:01:43 PM »
As a college student, I'm going to respectively disagree with the majority of people here. While some decisions weren't the best in your past, that doesn't mean you should up and leave for the military without knowing what you're getting yourself into. I'd recommend working full/part time and going to school. Be frugal along the way. I think there is a stigma here that living at home is "leeching" and "immature". I tend to disagree. In many other cultures, particularly Italian and Japanese cultures it is customary to live with family until you are either a) married or b) in a strong financial situation. Work hard, go back to school, and thank your parents for their support.

CS

wordnerd

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #10 on: August 28, 2015, 08:04:12 PM »
A lot of your post sounds more like a 14 year old than a 21 year old--getting your parents' permission to go out, lying about your grades, paying no rent or expenses. You seem really hung up on your parents getting mad, but in the long-term you're screwing over yourself by financially hobbling yourself with loans and no career prospects (FTR, you're also screwing over your parents, but if you can't get your shit together for them, do it for yourself). It's time for you to grow up and start taking responsibility for yourself and your decisions.

wordnerd

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #11 on: August 28, 2015, 08:06:02 PM »
As a college student, I'm going to respectively disagree with the majority of people here. While some decisions weren't the best in your past, that doesn't mean you should up and leave for the military without knowing what you're getting yourself into. I'd recommend working full/part time and going to school. Be frugal along the way. I think there is a stigma here that living at home is "leeching" and "immature". I tend to disagree. In many other cultures, particularly Italian and Japanese cultures it is customary to live with family until you are either a) married or b) in a strong financial situation. Work hard, go back to school, and thank your parents for their support.

CS

I think if OP were acting responsibility and working toward a degree, people here would encourage him (or her?) to continue to live with the parents. I've seen similar advice doled out regularly. The problem isn't the living situation per se. It's the attitude that the living off someone else is a decision that can and should be made forever.

Kaikou

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #12 on: August 28, 2015, 08:07:07 PM »
As a college student, I'm going to respectively disagree with the majority of people here. While some decisions weren't the best in your past, that doesn't mean you should up and leave for the military without knowing what you're getting yourself into. I'd recommend working full/part time and going to school. Be frugal along the way. I think there is a stigma here that living at home is "leeching" and "immature". I tend to disagree. In many other cultures, particularly Italian and Japanese cultures it is customary to live with family until you are either a) married or b) in a strong financial situation. Work hard, go back to school, and thank your parents for their support.

CS

I agree.

BUT OP doesn't deserve his parents help from what little we have known of his actions.

student4life

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #13 on: August 28, 2015, 08:13:20 PM »
I also have to add that 20 k in  savings, some of it are the student loan that I didn't spend.  My total earned money from hard work is 14k.  My parents provided me with a cheap nokia 521 window smart phone that cost $50 but it didn't do as much as the sony xperia.  My dad told me that I only need a phone that I can use for calling and email. 

wordnerd

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #14 on: August 28, 2015, 08:16:37 PM »
I also have to add that 20 k in  savings, some of it are the student loan that I didn't spend.  My total earned money from hard work is 14k.  My parents provided me with a cheap nokia 521 window smart phone that cost $50 but it didn't do as much as the sony xperia.  My dad told me that I only need a phone that I can use for calling and email.

OK, financial questions. Do you have a plan for your savings? Are they invested? Would it make sense to put to put it toward the students loans or are they still in deferment? Doesn't seem like you need an emergency fund, given that you have no expenses.

I'll leave the comment about the phone alone because I've already been unusually harsh in this thread.

Kaikou

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #15 on: August 28, 2015, 08:18:37 PM »
I also have to add that 20 k in  savings, some of it are the student loan that I didn't spend.  My total earned money from hard work is 14k.  My parents provided me with a cheap nokia 521 window smart phone that cost $50 but it didn't do as much as the sony xperia.  My dad told me that I only need a phone that I can use for calling and email.

Is this a joke, why are you adding more info. that is irrelevant? You sound like you are basically gloating. Do you use your phones for some type of business? Why do you have a savings? Just pay off your liability so you can start fresh. Who is paying for your school now?

BASICALLY: WHY ARE YOU HERE? (These posts just seem like bait to me, like that guy that had his DAD on his cc)

pbkmaine

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #16 on: August 28, 2015, 08:21:34 PM »
Am I the only person wondering if this is the father posting as if he were the son?

mozar

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #17 on: August 28, 2015, 08:24:23 PM »
May be trolling but it sounds like the op has emotionally abusive/ codependent parents. He needs to move out. Until then he has no reason to grow up.

Bracken_Joy

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #18 on: August 28, 2015, 08:40:16 PM »
Why on EARTH would you go to ASU for engineering when you would have been in-state for OSU? Honestly, that alone is a very poor choice.

And then following it up with lies and a spoiled attitude? Ridiculous, why are you even on the forum if you're only upset you got caught? I sure as hell hope this is someone trolling.

Kaikou

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #19 on: August 28, 2015, 08:54:08 PM »
Why on EARTH would you go to ASU for engineering when you would have been in-state for OSU? Honestly, that alone is a very poor choice.

And then following it up with lies and a spoiled attitude? Ridiculous, why are you even on the forum if you're only upset you got caught? I sure as hell hope this is someone trolling.

Seems to be. I mean why now post? What has changed in the situation. NOTHING! Just posting to share. Did he/she even ask a question?


Jakejake

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #20 on: August 28, 2015, 08:56:18 PM »
As a college student, I'm going to respectively disagree with the majority of people here. While some decisions weren't the best in your past, that doesn't mean you should up and leave for the military without knowing what you're getting yourself into.
I mentioned my own army time at that age, but I was NOT recommending it! There are more military homeless people and vets with PTSD than there are from regular populations, and suicide rates are ridiculous - there's a big pile of shit in that career choice that I luckily avoided, but so many people land in.

LeRainDrop

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #21 on: August 28, 2015, 09:03:15 PM »
Am I the only person wondering if this is the father posting as if he were the son?
Not at all.  As I was nearing the end of reading the OP, I was already having the same thought.  The guy describing himself/being described sounds like a spoiled kid who lacks respect for his parents and is oblivious to the responsibilities he should be bearing at his age.

lhamo

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #22 on: August 28, 2015, 09:44:17 PM »
You came to the wrong forum if you are looking for people to say "yeah, sure, it is fine to lie to your parents and mooch off them while you party it up and spend all your money on toys and booze."

But, since you said you are looking for advice (note the noun is spelled with a "c", advise with an "s" is the verb), here is my two cents.

You need to think  more deeply about a few fundamental questions.  This isn't about who is right or wrong -- though in my opinion your parents are totally justified in both their feelings and their actions.  The situation is what it is and now you both have to deal with is.  So here are some things to ask yourself, with an eye toward resolving the situation and moving forward with your life, since wallowing in self-pity isn't going to get you anywhere:

1)  Are you capable of supporting yourself on a $10 an hour job?  If not, are you able to get a job that will enable you to support yourself?  If the answer to either of these is no, then you pretty much need to suck it up and continue to live with your parents.  Their house, their rules.  You would have to follow rules if you rented a room from somebody, too.  If you want to live without rules, go try living in an squat full of anarchists for awhile and see how you like it.  Will be at least as educational as the college classes you failed.

2)  Do you want to maintain a relationship with your parents?  If you are going to continue living in their house, then you pretty much have no choice.  If you decide to move out, you have a bit more control.  The thing to realize is that relationships, especially adult relationships, all require some give and take.  You aren't a toddler or a teenager anymore.  Your parents are not obligated to support you.  You need to lose the sense of entitlement if you are going to have any kind of meaningful relationship with them. 

3)  How can I distinguish needs from wants?  This is a VERY important question to ask and skill to learn if you want to be successful.  The whole phone thing is a sign that you have not developed this skill.  Nobody NEEDS three smartphones.  Especially when they have 40k in student loan debt. 

That's probably enough self-reflection to start with.  Good luck to you, and your parents.  I hope you can find a way to mend the relationship with them and find your way to a successful, financially independent adult status soon.



student4life

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #23 on: August 28, 2015, 10:01:20 PM »
I also have to add that 20 k in  savings, some of it are the student loan that I didn't spend.  My total earned money from hard work is 14k.  My parents provided me with a cheap nokia 521 window smart phone that cost $50 but it didn't do as much as the sony xperia.  My dad told me that I only need a phone that I can use for calling and email.

Is this a joke, why are you adding more info. that is irrelevant? You sound like you are basically gloating. Do you use your phones for some type of business? Why do you have a savings? Just pay off your liability so you can start fresh. Who is paying for your school now?

BASICALLY: WHY ARE YOU HERE? (These posts just seem like bait to me, like that guy that had his DAD on his cc)

I am here to see if I can get advice regardless of the harsh replies.  I need a unbiased opinion.  I am just very confused.  I feel like my parents are unreasonable.

Retire-Canada

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #24 on: August 28, 2015, 10:04:21 PM »
My opinion = troll.

student4life

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #25 on: August 28, 2015, 10:10:53 PM »
Am I the only person wondering if this is the father posting as if he were the son?
[/quote. 

My father gave me an ultimatum and I cannot make a decision.    My father gave me three choices. 
1) Join the service
2.) Live in their house but I have to follow their rules.
3.) Move out

Since I can't make a decision he told me maybe I should post it to help me make the decision.

student4life

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #26 on: August 28, 2015, 10:12:43 PM »
Why on EARTH would you go to ASU for engineering when you would have been in-state for OSU? Honestly, that alone is a very poor choice.

And then following it up with lies and a spoiled attitude? Ridiculous, why are you even on the forum if you're only upset you got caught? I sure as hell hope this is someone trolling.

I didn't get accepted at OSU.

iamlindoro

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #27 on: August 28, 2015, 10:18:00 PM »
I am here to see if I can get advice regardless of the harsh replies.  I need a unbiased opinion.  I am just very confused.  I feel like my parents are unreasonable.

You are incorrect.  Your parents have been beyond reasonable in light of your behavior.

Look, I have done some profoundly stupid shit in my life, not the least of which involved my parents money, but at least I had the ability to immediately feel shame and extreme gratitude at their supporting me through my mistakes.

The advice you are getting is unbiased, and the harshness is proportionate to your staggeringly selfish behavior.  You appear to be extremely entitled.  There is no reason to feel shame at accepting your parent's support-- there *is* a reason to feel shame for abusing it.  You are, and have been, abusing it.  They are under no obligation to support you at this time.  That they do so is a testament to their love for you.  Were you to man/woman up and relieve them of that burden by finding your own path (whether it be the military, moving out, working your butt off to pay the loans off, then doing your own thing, or whatever) would be a reasonable step towards paying back their graciousness.

student4life

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #28 on: August 28, 2015, 10:45:29 PM »
Why on EARTH would you go to ASU for engineering when you would have been in-state for OSU? Honestly, that alone is a very poor choice.

And then following it up with lies and a spoiled attitude? Ridiculous, why are you even on the forum if you're only upset you got caught? I sure as hell hope this is someone trolling.

Seems to be. I mean why now post? What has changed in the situation. NOTHING! Just posting to share. Did he/she even ask a question?

I am not trolling.  I just don't know how to respond to the responses here.  I do understand the advice here and I really appreciate it.  I am also very confused right now because the only person that is telling me that I made a mistake are my parents and he is giving me a deadline.     

iamlindoro

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #29 on: August 28, 2015, 10:49:41 PM »
I am not trolling.  I just don't know how to respond to the responses here.  I do understand the advice here and I really appreciate it.  I am also very confused right now because the only person that is telling me that I made a mistake are my parents and he is giving me a deadline.   

We are all telling you you made a mistake, too.  You made many of them.  If you want to be in control of your decision, then make it in advance of the deadline, or I imagine the decision will be taken out of your hands.

These are things that independent adults have to deal with all the time, because life is challenging at times.  That your parents are still offering your the opportunity to make the choice yourself tells us they are trying to teach you rather than punish you.

Taran Wanderer

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #30 on: August 28, 2015, 10:53:27 PM »
I'm going to assume you are for real.

1.  Be very grateful your parents love you so much that they are sticking with you through this.
2.  Grow up.  Take responsibility for your own situation.
3.  Think really hard about what you want out of life.  I can guarantee it's not a $10/hr job. Focus on school, always do extra at work, share in the chores at home - again you are very lucky to have a free roof over your head!  Apply yourself.

Finally, face punches aside, everybody makes mistakes. Don't dwell on things you can't change. You are where you are. Listen to your parents' guidance, work hard, make them proud, and earn your own self respect and pride again.

Kaikou

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #31 on: August 28, 2015, 11:13:37 PM »
I also have to add that 20 k in  savings, some of it are the student loan that I didn't spend.  My total earned money from hard work is 14k.  My parents provided me with a cheap nokia 521 window smart phone that cost $50 but it didn't do as much as the sony xperia.  My dad told me that I only need a phone that I can use for calling and email.

Is this a joke, why are you adding more info. that is irrelevant? You sound like you are basically gloating. Do you use your phones for some type of business? Why do you have a savings? Just pay off your liability so you can start fresh. Who is paying for your school now?

BASICALLY: WHY ARE YOU HERE? (These posts just seem like bait to me, like that guy that had his DAD on his cc)

I am here to see if I can get advice regardless of the harsh replies.  I need a unbiased opinion.  I am just very confused.  I feel like my parents are unreasonable.

YOU ARE UNREASONABLE. Advice has already been given and you continue to write this passive stuff. You failed! Pick up yourself and start again. You are in debt. Have you even read the blog? YOUR WHOLE BODY IS ON FIRE. Get out of debt now.

I think you need to counseling and/or seek someone outside of your family as a life guide. Who do you look up to? Who do you want to be?

NOTE: I doubt OP will answer my questions directly. Proof is in the Pudding.

Kaikou

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #32 on: August 28, 2015, 11:14:28 PM »
My opinion = troll.

In my culture we call this person a morning clown.

MsPeacock

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #33 on: August 29, 2015, 04:58:54 AM »

cdttmm

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #34 on: August 29, 2015, 06:40:17 AM »
My first instinct was to dole out some serious face punches, but that's already been done. So I'm going to take a different approach and offer you up some advice from the perspective of a community college professor.

You are not the first college student to screw up or flunk out. It happens. That's not to say that it doesn't suck. It does. But I'm curious, do your parents have college degrees? There are a whole lot of people on this forum who have multiple college degrees (I'm one of them, obviously). It is hard for those of us who successfully earned college degrees (in some cases with minimal academic struggle) to understand what it's like to chase the dream of getting a college degree and to screw it up. So, I say again, you are not the first college student to flunk out. You can recover from this. But first, you need to decide if a college degree is something you really want. You will need to make some serious sacrifices if the answer is yes.

I'm going to assume the answer is yes and give advice accordingly. If the answer is no, then you can skip the rest of my response and go about your life.

Step 1: Accept that you are going to live at home for the next four months (the fall semester) and you are going to follow the household rules.
Step 2: Go to the local community college and meet with an academic advisor or a professor in the engineering department. This assumes you still want to get a degree in engineering. If you've changed your mind about your major, then meet with a professor for the major that you now want to pursue.
Step 3: Get enrolled in courses that will fulfill general education requirements for your chosen major. English, math, social sciences, etc. Take only the MINIMUM number of credits necessary to be a full time student. Assuming you have subsidized student loans, this will insure that they continue to be deferred and do not accrue any interest.
Step 4: Do not take out any additional student loans. Instead, pay the tuition and fees for the fall semester out of the $20k that you have.
Step 5: Research all of the available academic support options at the community college. Use them starting the first week of classes and use them consistently throughout the semester. Earn all As.
Step 6: Keep your $10 an hour job, but work NO MORE THAN 20 hours per week. Your primary focus is school. If at any point in time you risk not earning As in all of your classes, quit the job and put all of your energy into school. You have no real expenses (other than school) because you are living at home.

You have screwed up and your are drowning. You know how to swim, but you are temporarily paralyzed out of fear and uncertainty. Your parents have offered you a life preserver. Accept it. Yes, it turns out this life preserver comes with some strings attached. Don't ignore the life preserver because of those strings, without it, you're pretty fucked. So suck it up, accept that you need their help, thank them profusely for saving your, and follow their rules.

After one semester, you can reassess. If at the end of the semester you decide you'd like to go it alone, then move out and do just that.

Hope that helps!

Briarly

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #35 on: August 29, 2015, 06:54:09 AM »
I am fascinated by you because you remind me of my brother (still living at home at 33).
you got a D your first semester in college. that is not doing well, let's be honest! that's below average. but that's all over and done. what do you think would be reasonable for your parents to do at this point?! just keep paying your rent forever? what's your plan for your life? only you can live it. spend it being pissed at your parents and that'll be a waste. they don't trust you... you've been untrustworthy. you need to grow up... or you'll be stuck depending on your parents forever.

Briarly

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #36 on: August 29, 2015, 06:57:39 AM »
also, take that 20k you have and send all of it to your student loans. otherwise you'll blow it on something dumb.

Jakejake

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #37 on: August 29, 2015, 07:05:17 AM »
I have one other bit of advice. While you are still living with your parents, under their rules, create a fake budget for yourself. Do the actual research to find a local apartment or living situation and find out the cost of rent plus utilities. Add in your phone bill. Add in any transportation costs you would have to school/your job. Add in food, and health insurance. Add in the monthly student loan payment. Then - while still living at home for the safety net - spend the next semester living within that budget. Make a deposit in your bank account monthly that covers all those expenses.

At the end of that, if you find you do have the discipline to budget your money, it doesn't mean you HAVE to move out, but it means you'll be in a better position to decide if it's even an option for you.

Bracken_Joy

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #38 on: August 29, 2015, 08:11:11 AM »
Why on EARTH would you go to ASU for engineering when you would have been in-state for OSU? Honestly, that alone is a very poor choice.

And then following it up with lies and a spoiled attitude? Ridiculous, why are you even on the forum if you're only upset you got caught? I sure as hell hope this is someone trolling.

I didn't get accepted at OSU.

I am sorry to hear that, although still confused. When I graduated high school, (coming up on a decade ago, though not quite there), so long as you got at least a 2.5GPA from an in-state high school you were guaranteed admission. Not hitting a 2.5 still didn't exclude you though, and I knew one person who was open about their 2.0 from their high school.

I will say, the culture of ASU and a place like OSU (or even smaller, like a community college) are VERY different. Unless you are extremely self-motivated, the party and distraction culture pull people away from studying or even attending class. Their is no accountability. If you plan on continuing to pursue higher ed, you need to ask yourself how much structure and accountability you need in your academics.

Accountability in general sounds like what you need right now. You need to realize that you are an adult, and you and only you are solely responsible for the actions you take in your life. Stop seeing things as you vs your dad and start seeing this as future you vs past you. Past you made some very bad choices and is giving future you a harder life. How can present-time you help out future you?

starterstache

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #39 on: August 29, 2015, 08:46:40 AM »
Thus far everyone has been focused on you, but frankly your parents need some face punches as well.  Many kids aren't motivated simply by saying "go read MMM or Bogleheads".  In your case, a kick in the butt is needed to learn some adult responsibility. 

I would be giving you a deadline to move out of the house, and at a very minimum requiring you to pay rent/utilities with a part time job.

As other people have mentioned, you've been on outpatient care from your parents for far too long and you're starting to expect/depend on it.

If you want to show some responsibility, I would find a part time job and set a timeline to move into your own place.  That will show your parents you are starting to grow up and take steps to become a functioning adult.

Long term, all of this will benefit you in the form of teaching you the work ethic necessary to succeed in the real world.

As someone who screwed up royally with finances when I was younger, I wish I could go back to being 21 again.  While quite successful now, I hope you can learn from your mistakes and not wake up one day at 30 realizing you can't get that time back.

Good luck!

wordnerd

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #40 on: August 29, 2015, 09:23:22 AM »
Thus far everyone has been focused on you, but frankly your parents need some face punches as well.  Many kids aren't motivated simply by saying "go read MMM or Bogleheads".  In your case, a kick in the butt is needed to learn some adult responsibility. 

I would be giving you a deadline to move out of the house, and at a very minimum requiring you to pay rent/utilities with a part time job.

I agree that the parents are, at the very least, enabling this behavior. But I wanted to focus on what was in OP's control. At this point, though, I agree that OP could very well be a troll, so it may not matter either way.

Goldielocks

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #41 on: August 29, 2015, 09:30:39 AM »
Why on EARTH would you go to ASU for engineering when you would have been in-state for OSU? Honestly, that alone is a very poor choice.

And then following it up with lies and a spoiled attitude? Ridiculous, why are you even on the forum if you're only upset you got caught? I sure as hell hope this is someone trolling.

I didn't get accepted at OSU.

This should have been a sign that you would find it tough the first couple of years....

Realize that your Dad, when told about the expulsion, had to suddenly realize two things...1, that maybe OSU was right and you/ he threw good money away, and that you were in trouble for two years and 2. he could have really helped you, (advice, refocus, new school, support, been on your side, whatever) but you wouldn't let him.  Instead the lying was the worst thing about this post.

I suggest that you make a weekly meeting with you parents, over lunch, to just start talking about what you want to do, what you did that week, ask for their input, discuss school or work or whatever.  As an adult, the nice thing is that it is OK to listen, but not DO things you disagree with. 

Also, realize that unless all the loans are in your name, you are spending your Dad's money.  I would never spend $500 without talking to my DH and that is MY money.

So, some inspiration..

If you can mend your relationship and get on top of financial expenses,


My DH was kicked out of engineering after second year too.  (Grade probation). He spent a year living with parents making up classes at local college, and did very well.  But engineering was going to still be a struggle, so he chose not to go back when reaccepted, but took a 2 year programming tech diploma.  Yes, he only made $30k for first two years, but with his skills and ability ( the ones that a test doesn't measure, like honesty and people skills and keeping solutions simple), he ended up as a software architect for a small company making $100 k within 5yrs.

Today, you may need a full degree, but the college level STEM degree does not hold you back from getting to the top.

But stop hiding and lying...you will go nowhere if you can't transform the way you treat others.  Start by practicing on your parents.




Sailor Sam

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #42 on: August 29, 2015, 09:55:38 AM »
Here is some practical advice. I would heavily advise you against enlisting at this point. Your posts have shown someone who has difficulty with honesty, and that habit could get you in serious trouble with the UCMJ. Lie to a Drill Instructor and they will PT you until you puke. Lie to your chief or your lieutenant, and you will go to Mast (or the land based equivalent). Mast is not a trial, there is no due process and no lawyers. Just you losing money and freedom. Lie again and you will go to court martial, which means they kick you out and and brand you as dishonourable. Which you will be asked about on all post-military jobs you apply for. The military is a good place to learn discipline. It is not a good place to learn honesty. You need to come to prepackaged with that.

The advice here has been harsh, and I think you are brave to keep reviewing it. You've got good stuff in you. Time to bring it to the forefront. Find honesty, then join if you're interested.

Edit: grammar
« Last Edit: August 29, 2015, 10:06:39 AM by Sailor Sam »

TomTX

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #43 on: August 29, 2015, 10:20:57 AM »
Why on EARTH would you go to ASU for engineering when you would have been in-state for OSU? Honestly, that alone is a very poor choice.

And then following it up with lies and a spoiled attitude? Ridiculous, why are you even on the forum if you're only upset you got caught? I sure as hell hope this is someone trolling.

I didn't get accepted at OSU.

Because you seem to think that getting a D is "good grades" - fuck that. Was everything else straight A's? If not, you had mediocre grades. At best.

Grow up, take some responsibility.

Start paying your parents rent. Buy groceries for the household.

Get straight "A" grades in community college (fuck, it's just community college. If you want to be an Engineer you should be able to ACE everything at community college.)

Stop buying shit you don't need.

Get a better paying job in the meantime.

Pay back your loans.

Kaikou

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #44 on: August 29, 2015, 10:23:51 AM »
Am I the only person wondering if this is the father posting as if he were the son?
[/quote. 

My father gave me an ultimatum and I cannot make a decision.    My father gave me three choices. 
1) Join the service
2.) Live in their house but I have to follow their rules.
3.) Move out

Since I can't make a decision he told me maybe I should post it to help me make the decision.


I'm not sure if everyone saw this response as it was quoted in with a previous statement. I think your choice is 2 or 3. Do they just let anyone in the service? Don't you have to basic capabilities? Anyway.

2. Is the best option because you could truly focus, but I doubt that's what you want to do.

lbmustache

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #45 on: August 29, 2015, 10:55:10 AM »
Why on EARTH would you go to ASU for engineering when you would have been in-state for OSU? Honestly, that alone is a very poor choice.

And then following it up with lies and a spoiled attitude? Ridiculous, why are you even on the forum if you're only upset you got caught? I sure as hell hope this is someone trolling.

I didn't get accepted at OSU.

Because you seem to think that getting a D is "good grades" - fuck that. Was everything else straight A's? If not, you had mediocre grades. At best.

Grow up, take some responsibility.

Start paying your parents rent. Buy groceries for the household.

Get straight "A" grades in community college (fuck, it's just community college. If you want to be an Engineer you should be able to ACE everything at community college.)

Stop buying shit you don't need.

Get a better paying job in the meantime.

Pay back your loans.

QFT

takeahike

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #46 on: August 29, 2015, 11:15:22 AM »
A first step would be to start wiring your brain towards adult thinking. You are definitely still in the 12 y.o. way of thinking through your problems. Adults (except criminals and sociopaths) think differently. Here are some ways you can practice adult thinking:

1. Life: It isn't ABOUT you. That's why everyone here is just as pissed at you as your parents. You don't live in a vaccuum. That student loan that you aren't even planning on paying back will eventually become OUR problem.

2. Never burn your bridges. I'm sure you cried and pulled at the heartstrings of Dad to get him to bring you back home. Dad and mom love you and would never truly allow you to be without a safety net and you knew that. This is childish manipulation and if you keep using this tactic you will burn a lot of bridges in your life. The "future you" will be very surprised at how many times you will need a bridge.

3. Accountability: Load your bank account to mint and allow your parents to have "view access". It will help you think about any monies you spend because you will be judged. Let them judge you.

4. Do adult. Look out the window. Is the grass long? Cut it. From here on out don't wait for someone to tell you what you have to do next. Welcome to adulting.

Every one of us here has had to dig in our heels and grow up. If you stick around you'll see many of us have made some tremendous mistakes that we are still paying for. You have the benefit of only being 20 and making some ridiculous decisions that you can EASILY turn around.

Don't allow this last year to define who you are.  Now surprise us and keep us updated.

irishbear99

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #47 on: August 29, 2015, 11:51:40 AM »
I feel like my parents are unreasonable.

First, your parents aren't being unreasonable. Period. However, even if they were, they're bankrolling your life. They have a right to make whatever demands they see fit, whether they're reasonable or not. What I think is unreasonable is your expectation to have autonomy over your own life when you're 100% dependent upon someone else. If YOU think they're being unreasonable, then you need to take steps to become independent, pay off your debt, and support yourself. Then you'll be free to make whatever decisions you see fit.

K-ice

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #48 on: August 29, 2015, 12:07:30 PM »
As mentioned the lying was the worst part.
Confessions made, move on, don't lie again.

Also, congrats on the 20K!
I am shocked and you must be doing something right to have saved that.
Now ask your parents for their advise on what to do with the money & quit buying crap.

Your parents do seam a bit controlling but you haven't done anything to earn their trust or independence. Have a talk with them about that.

When I was an adult and living at home for a while my mom didn't care when I went out or came back as long as I woke her up when I arrived so she would know I was safe. I also got free access to her car. Always leave it over 1/2 full and full is best. Her windshield had a few rock chips and I got those fixes as a surprise & thanks. Have you been using it for months? Time for an oil change. Offer to pay the extra insurance it costs by having an irresponsible 20 something male on the car. Do you even know what that costs?

They may not want you to pay anything. But you should at least have a good idea what things cost and offer to pay.

As an adult living for free at home what are you doing to be a good "roomate"? I sure hope you never leave a dirty dish in the sink. Who does the laundry? When did you last vacuum or scrub the tub/toilet? I assume your parents pay for groceries, ok, but do you offer to pick things up as needed? Who cooks? With roomates if one cooks often the other does all the dishes. When was the last time you put your muscle into a house project, painted fence, repaired something, helped with a DIY Reno?
You are an adult now and these are all things adults & home owners need to do. As a potential future engineer if you don't have a knack for fixing, building and creating even at the house level you might want to reconsider.

Engineering is a tough path and I wouldn't go back unless you are sure. I know some who flunked then returned to finish top 10% once more mature so it's possible. A Community college prof. above had some good tips I won't repeat.

Best of luck and keep working at making yourself a better person.

 

Cathy

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Re: Student Perplexed
« Reply #49 on: August 29, 2015, 12:19:53 PM »
...I'm a 20 yo (soon to be 21) student from Oregon from lower-middle class family. ...My dad has always told me to read Bogleheads and Money Mustache. ...

What makes you think that your parents are "lower-middle class"? If your dad has "always" been an advocate of financial independence, your parents might well be multimillionaires. I'm guessing you say they are "lower-middle class" because they don't visibly waste money on excessive consumer products. You should probably re-evaluate what "class" means to you.