Thank you for all the input! We went for the "worst house in the best neighborhood" strategy so that is why I estimated 1.1M. The one across the street that is updated just closed at 1.4M. Here's my guesstimates for what it's worth on what needs to be updated, it came out to $210K. I thought I probably estimated high on some, but low on others:
Outside:
Landscape, exterior paint, new fence - $25K
Inside:
Windows/Shutters/Screens: $45K
Doors: $10K
Kitchen: $50K
Master Bath: $30K
2 additional baths: $10K
Built in: 5K
Fireplace covering: $5K
Molding/Trim: $15K
Staircase railing: $5K
Interior paint: $3K
Lighting: $7K
I'm okay with lots of quick decisions, but my wife is paralyzed by these kinds of decisions. She's spent hours and hours (and hours) on just the color of the exterior paint, which is the first job. I know we can't expect a designer to just do it all though, so i expect challenges. Too bad we didn't know this when we bought or we would've bought something that was just DONE :-)
The whole thing really does seem insurmountable, so perhaps we'll just have to resign ourselves to what we've been doing: fix things that are broken or really crusty, and live with things that are just dated. Easy for me but I want her to have what she wants too so we'll see. I'm okay doing basic "fix it" plumbing, electrical stuff but not anything that requires a craftsman touch like cabinetry, molding, flooring, etc.
Sounds like the refi is the way to go though! I'll get that paperwork going to see what kind of numbers we can get. Thanks again for the help!
Since you're both not good at design/envisioning spaces, I would ask your wife to spend some time with you creating a collection of interior and exterior images you both LOVE and write down why for each one. Eliminate anything one of you hates or that is unrealistic for your lifestyle. Organize it into categories (these paint colors/tones, this style of doors and trim, etc.) and then have a realistic conversation together or speak to a designer and see if any amount of money can make your wants a reality. If you have an airy, open-plan McMansion and you both just adore warm, cozy mid-century modern spaces, it's not going to happen in your current home. Expect to pay for a consultation, but going into a big budget project with realistic expectations is important.
What exactly has she done with hours of pondering paint colors? Just looking at pictures? Or driving the neighborhood, choosing samples, and painting test swatches? There is a process to this stuff that anyone can do, but it requires certain actions that narrow choices through a process of elimination. It is doable on your own, but you need an action plan and you will have to set deadlines for yourself.
2 small bathrooms for $10k sounds low to me compared to your other costs. Is one of them a half bath? Or maybe you're just updating paint, surfaces and fixtures in these? For comparison, it cost me close to 3k to do a total gut/redo of one small bathroom completely on my own. I was quoted 10-12 to have it done by three contractors, and I'm not in fancy-pants CA.
Be careful with your door and door hardware choices. I'm assuming on a 3000 sq ft home you probably have 2-3 exterior doors and at least 14 interior doors. Designers are going to steer you toward pretty choices, and that gets hella expensive. You could easily get talked into spending half your budget on just a new front door with installation, especially if you're juggling a bunch of choices at once.
No flooring updates anywhere other than kitchen/baths? All of your house needs updating except floors? That's unusual. Are you going to be happy with the existing floors after everything else is new? If it's even a question, make that decision now. Floors before trim.
It's also important to note that your list above does not include any furniture, rugs, curtains, decor, or art at all. Maybe you're planning to keep everything you currently have as it is, but remember that paint color and changes to lighting will change the way your furnishings look in the space. Even going from a warm white to a cool white will make a difference. If you are going to use a designer, you should be very clear up front that you are not buying any new furniture and the current furnishings need to be considered in the design. Of course, it's stupid to spend 200k updating an interior space around furniture that's going to be replaced later, so really think about what furnishings you have that are forever pieces (family pieces, antique rugs, original art, etc.) and which ones are going to be on Craigslist as soon as they get a few stains or dings.
That said..... you can save a ton of money doing it on your own without a designer. Not just because of their fees but also because their job is to bring you 3 choices that match your vision so you don't have to look at 150 choices. Their choices are going to be in a higher price range than anything you would probably find on your own. But since you are set on using one, choosing the right person is important. You want them to have experience in the aesthetic you want, and primarily work with clients in your price range or
lower. You don't want to be the cheap client that balks at every item they show you because it's too expensive, or the lowest project on their priority list. Saying no wears people down, so go with someone you can say yes to more often and you'll all be happier.
