Step Children. Advice for good relationships...

[K-ice]

Any advice for good relationships?
What to avoid for bad relationships?

So without divulging a bunch of personal information I have seen good and bad relationships with step children.

My small sample size seams to think age has a strong inverse correlation.  Meaning the younger the step child the better the relationship.   

I am sure there will be some venting here, but I am looking for people to share advice on what helps make good relationships as well.

I see some friends raving on FB about their good relationship with their step kids.

And since this forum is based on money, do step parents take on a financial responsibility with their step children?

Adult step children provide another different level of complexities. But here again I have seen good and bad relationships.  I think the good relationships are linked to solid financial trust that a second spouse is not going to run off with everything.

Thoughts?

[Catbert]

We need to know the ages of your step children.  Wildly different advise for a 5 year old vs a 25 year old

[ixtap]

The number one thing is to treat the whole family, I ckuding the spouse you are not sleeping with, with respect. This includes listening, rather than just doing what you think is right beforehand.

[Hula Hoop]

I've had a lot of experience as a step-child and I'd say the most important thing is to respect the parent-child bond between your spouse and his/her child(ren).  I had a step parent in the past who was quite jealous of my bond with my parent and possessive of my parent's time and attention.  I was 3 when I met this step parent.  Other step parents have been better as they realize that our bond with our parent is not a threat to them.  Obviously, a child's needs are always a parent's #1 priority and a step parent has to accept this.

[Linea_Norway]

I have a childhood friend who got a stepmother. She had some trouble accepting this stepmother, maybe she in general was mad at her father for leaving her mother who had breast cancer and died later. But my friend has been living with them later and they got a good relationship.
My general advice based on my friend's case would be: don't try to replace the mother. You are just a new person in their lives. Don't ask them to call you mummy, but use your name instead. And be forgiving if they sometimes get unreasonable outbursts. Give them a chance to start over again, maybe after an apology.
Make a good deal with your husband to both be consequent on house rules and don't let you become the bossy person, while the father is the nice person.

[Noodle]

Ingredients for success--

Go into the marriage with the understanding that the family will always be a package deal. Don't marry someone with young kids unless you can genuinely love the kids, and like them a good part of the time (no person is likable 100% of the time :)). Don't marry someone with adult children unless you are OK with the fact that they will occupy a certain amount of your spouse's time and attention, and you will be at each other's weddings, graduations, funerals, etc.

With tiny kids, you can have a co-parenting arrangement if your partner agrees. With older kids and teens, it's going to depend on the parent and kids, but for heaven's sake don't get married without a clear understanding of how that relationship is going to work. Do your best to love all the kids in the house and treat them as equally as possible given varied family situations, and require your extended family to do the same.

Even more than with a marriage--what you see is what you get. Be really honest with yourself about how your partner interacts with their ex and the kids. It's not going to change just because you moved in, so you need to be OK with whatever the situation is.

[formerlydivorcedmom]

When my husband and I married, our children were 3, 5, and 7.  We are an excellent integrated family now, 6 years later.  My children have had two stepmoms in those years, and they had good relationships with both of them.

We were very clear with the children that "You already have a mommy/daddy.  Your stepmom/stepdad is someone whose job is to love you and be there for you and help your mommy/daddy to raise you to be a good person."   When SD wants me to get involved in a decision that should be made by her parents, I am very clear with her that this isn't my role.  I'll offer her pointers on how to frame her argument to get what she wants (if I agree), but I'm not the right person to intervene for her with her mom or to make the decision.

As was said, respect is very important - respect for all members of the family, for the kids' other families, AND respect for the household rules.  We each enforce the household rules, even with our stepkids, and we enforce them evenly. If we were to show bias to our biokids it would be noted and cause immediate havoc.  For decisions that need to be made by the bioparents (like when a kid can get a phone), we are careful to explain to the other(s) why/how that decision was made and why their situation is different. 

For us, I think the good relationships came from showing up.  Even when we were dating, my husband attended every one of my oldest's sports games.  I have attended almost every one of my stepdaughter's activities.  Their other parents don't generally attend, and the kids definitely notice that.  SD doesn't seem bothered by the fact that her mom doesn't appear, because she doesn't expect that, but the one time I missed a game there were major tears.

My biokids' stepmom(s) did an EXCELLENT job with finding an activity to share with the kids to bond.  My D and her current stepmom paint each other's nails every time D is there.  I made a point to back off those activities (and not try to compete) so that my biokids could treasure having "their thing" with her stepmom.

Part of that, in our house, is also finding something we do that we can offer to coach the stepkids in.  "I'm baking a cake - do you want me to show you how to do it?"  "I'm going to do some tool-heavy work in the garage - want to come help and I'll show you how to use the tools?"

We also make a point for the parent and biokid(s) to have time together without the stepparent. H and SD spend at least a few hours every week on-on-one.  I do the same with my biokids.  Larger "fun" things, though, include everyone.  We don't want any kid to feel left out.

Patience is key.  The first year we were together, my 3-year-old ran to me every time my H came anywhere in my vicinity, put his hand up in the "stop" motion, and yelled "MY MAMA".  It was hilarious.  H never pushed - he let S set the (glacial) pace of their relationship.  When S wanted or needed something (like a refill of water), S ALWAYS asked for me to do it.  After the first 9 months, if I was out of the room H switched to saying "Mommy is busy right now.  Would you like to wait, or can I get it for you?"  For a few months,  S always said he'd wait.  Finally he grudgingly decided H could help him.  After H proved to be reliable at filling sippy cups and handing out snacks, S accepted him as part of our family.  Now they are very close.

[Zikoris]

My parents are divorced and both repartner-ed in my late teens, so I have two step parents. One of them I can't stand and have refused to see or speak to in maybe - twelve or thirteen years now? The other one I have a good relationship with. So here are the reasons for each.

Bad One:
- Literally would not shower, as he felt showering more than once a week was excessive. He worked a sweaty physical job and absolutely reeked. He also didn't brush his teeth or wash his clothes.
- Chewed gum and stuck it in random places, including my room since our only computer was there. He didn't use the computer but my mom did sometimes, and he'd come look over her shoulder. Me and my mom ended up coming up with a system where she would only use the computer of he wasn't there, since apparently this habit was impossible to change.
- He felt that since I was home during the day, I should clean up after him and my mom, including stuff that had nothing to do with me, and was actually repulsive (like washing meaty cooking stuff - I'm a vegan). I was a full time high school student, but did distance education/online schooling as there was no local school for past grade 9. I also had a part time job, and definitely did some chores, just not cleaning up other people's messes.
- He caused strife between me and my mom by spreading some completely fabricated rumors he'd heard about me from some random person I'd never even met.
- At first my mom let him smoke indoors in our bathroom. That eventually stopped, but gross.
- He played TV loudly every night late into the night, which prevented me from sleeping. Again, the idea was that since I was an online student and didn't physically go to school, it didn't matter if I was kept up all night.
- He had some really messed up beliefs that I won't get into.

I eventually just snapped shortly after I turned 18 - my mom and step dad were both away on a trip, and mom called to let me know that she got bumped from her return flight and he'd be coming back alone for a few days. I got off the phone, called her back within minutes, and said I was moving out in two weeks. She was pretty surprised! And that was that.

Good one:
- She didn't have any messed up habits like above (hygiene, etc).
- She was just a nice person in general.
- We would do activities together as a group, since there was enough common ground for that to happen. Hiking, swimming, etc.
- She didn't try to fill any particular role in my life, she was just there and pleasant enough.
- If she had any opinions about how my dad handled anything, I never heard about it.

So there's one set of examples.

[formerlydivorcedmom]

I missed your question on financial responsibility.

My H makes about 1/3 of what I do, but we chose to have joint accounts.  The kids were so young when we married (3-7), that we decided they were "our" kids and that financing them would be "our" issue.

My biokids' dad makes good money.  My SD's mom makes minimum wage.  We have accepted that we will be providing additional funding to SD so that she can have experiences equivalent to my biokids.  For example, we will pay for tuition and fees for all of the kids to go to a state university for 4 years.  My biokids' dad is also saving for college and will be able to cover their housing and living expenses.  H and I will most likely pay for SD's housing and living expenses, if she chooses to go to other than the local university. 

It means I buy two sets of school clothes for SD every year.  SD's mom tends to buy clothes either too big or too small, so the first set of clothes I buy tends to migrate over to her other house.  The second set is for our house. 

It means that when we got primary custody of SD, H asked for zero financial support from his ex-wife, because she can barely afford to live, and we have enough.

If the kids had been teens when we married, I'm not sure if we would have done anything differently or not.

[Laura33]

First, I loved formerlydivorcedmom's advice.  Do that.

I had a stepmom from when I was 5 until about 25, and have had a second stepmom since my late 20s; I have also had a stepdad since I was 9 who was more like a dad because he was always there.  No one was horrible, but I miss my stepdad terribly since he died.  What made a difference:

- He was quiet, calm, and patient.  Honestly, I was a complete little shit when he married my mom -- I was 9 but literally threw a tantrum like a two-year-old the first time I met him.  He never pushed, just joked and came up with bad puns all the time, and we eventually bonded by being smart-mouthed with my mom.  My advice would be to above all else, remember that you are the adult.  The kids have just been through massive change that they are too young to process yet -- and that is true even if they are teens and look and act grown-up.  They're not.  They're scared and angry and probably afraid to say it and will very likely act out and be total little shits sometimes.  It is your job to be a rock and love them through it.  You don't have to accept abuse, and you should absolutely (calmly) enforce house rules about respect and behavior.  But you need to make it clear that you love them and understand that this is hard for them.

-- My mom and my stepdad treated me and my stepsibs the same -- when we were together, we all got comparable gifts and clothes and such.  When I went to my dad's, my half-brothers would get piles of presents and clothes, and I'd get one thing.  You think I didn't resent both my stepmom and my dad for a long time?  No one likes to feel like a second-class citizen, like you don't matter as much as the "real" kids.

The other thing I'd say is to leave the primary discipline to the bio parent.  You have to be someone else who loves and supports; don't get cast as the evil stepparent.

[jscott2135]

I highly highly recommend checking out this topic on red table talks with Jada Pickett Smith. It was an amazing conversation with her, her mom, her daughter, and the ex wife on co parenting and making the best of an initially difficult situation. It was so good! Only about 20 minutes long but worth every second.

[socaso]

Talk to the kids and really listen to what they are saying. Ask them what they like to do and try to do those activities with them. You don't have to do this all the time but making an effort will show the kids you care about what is important to them. Be firm about enforcing rules they are supposed to follow.

[calimom]

@formerlydivorcedmom provided a great scenario of a successful blend of a family with multiple young children. Well done.

My own situation was somewhat different: I became a stepmother at 25 when I married my husband whose daughter had just turned 8. She and I hit it off from the start; I met her very soon after DH and I started dating. Her bio mother was/is very…challenging. Let's just say she was a woman not well suited for parenting. My  DD at 7,  once took my hand and told me "I wish you were my mommy." DH and ex had a fairly contentious relationship and divorce and technically had shared custody but by then it was clear he was the primary parent. I was good with that and understood what I was getting into. I did my best not to trash talk the bio mom but I was the one getting the Mother's Day cards and all that. It had never really entered into my thoughts that I would be a stepparent but I was all-in.

DH and I had a son rather quite quickly (10 months!) after our wedding and another daughter 4 years after that (that one was a bit of a surprise). SD was pretty enchanted with being the big sister and did a great job with it. Her friends loved coming over as they generally had no young siblings and certainly no babies. We made a good, tight family unit with no differentiation between step or bio. It was a very happy time.

When my husband died, the kids were 14, 5 and 1. There was a bit of a gray area regarding custody as bio mom was still in the picture, but distantly. She made some noise about regaining full custody, and frankly I didn't have much legal standing. But I did have my BIL and MIL behind me who really assisted in helping me gain legal guardianship status. The judge was super helpful. Our broken-but-still-strong family stayed intact.

Financially in all matters, the family money is for everyone. SD (really DD1) won a full ride scholarship to art school and did well. There were expenses that needed to be covered and she had aged out of SS benefits at that time. So I filled in, she worked part time and summers. When she wanted to study in Florence for her junior year of college, we made it happen. I still keep her on the family health plan and her phone. Both will phase out soon, and she's working on getting the great post-grad job and there's no doubt she'll be successful in some way. She an artist, not a scientist! She's still the best big sister ever and I can't imagine life without her.

From another perspective I have a stepfather from my mother's later in life remarriage. He has 2 sons and I have 2 sisters. One sister has more or less opted out of relationships with our stepbrothers and their families and honestly, she and her children are missing out. Love can multiply, and you can find it in unexpected places. As far as money in that marriage goes, it's mostly combined, and will be used jointly till the final parent dies and then will be split 5 ways. I hope they both continue to live well, use their resources for travel and fun and taking care of each other. If anything's left, that's fine. If not, well that's how it goes. Should adult children really expect anything more than their upbringing and helping with getting started in the world?

[Hula Hoop]

calimom - I'm so sorry for your loss but what an inspiring story.  As a stepchild I just want to commend your wonderful relationship with your oldest DD (formerly SD).  If only, all step parents could be like you.

[albireo13]

We raised a blended family.  It was tough at first.  Now things are great. The biggest issue was my wife and I had totally different parenting styles.
She was a hard a$$ when it came to rules, etc and I was more laid back.


Advice:
1. talk about parenting styles and expectations ahead of time.  Agree upon strategies for discipline, child expectations, etc.
2. treat each child equally ... equal rules.   very important
3. be consistent

[K-ice]

Calimom that custody story is amazing.

I am happy to hear you are able to embrace your step relationships from every angle. 

I was raised with both a step father and a step mother. To one of them I am unquestionably their daughter. I even feel a bit guilty if I refer to them as my step parent, as they have been a true parent for decades.  So I often drop the prefix but then it gets a bit confusing if the "bio" parent comes up because they have also been involved in my life but they are quite different.