Author Topic: Spouse’s spending not in synch with my values  (Read 4129 times)

Heinz

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Spouse’s spending not in synch with my values
« on: June 01, 2018, 05:56:33 PM »
To preface the discussion, my wife and I have enough assets to cover our needs in perpetuity.  As background, I left an employer and went to a company where I cashed out my equity upon a change in capitalization.  We had the option of stopping working, but my wife did not want to (oldest child heading off to college, youngest finishing 7th grade).  We are 51, 50.  When I reviewed our credit card bill (my wife pays the bills), there was $100/month for Starbucks plus another $200 in lunch spending.  Our combined income is over $1M gross annually and I have continued to work as my wife did not want to stop and I was bored.  Plus, it enables us to pay for school for two children at the Washington Jesuit Academy.  At one level, the spending does not matter overall — my wife earns what I do, and $4k a year is not material.  However, it seems like pure waste to me and I cannot get over that.  My wife believes it allows her to build relationships with her colleagues, but it just seems wasteful to me.  That said, I spend more on beer than is rationale and I imagine I should let it go?  I grew up poor — scholarships for college and graduate school.  Any thoughts welcome

plainjane

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Re: Spouse’s spending not in synch with my values
« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2018, 05:58:14 PM »
Let it go.

MissNancyPryor

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Re: Spouse’s spending not in synch with my values
« Reply #2 on: June 01, 2018, 06:06:05 PM »
Yes, let it go.  It is in sync with her values, as she explained. 

Kierun

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Re: Spouse’s spending not in synch with my values
« Reply #3 on: June 01, 2018, 06:07:47 PM »
She makes 500k/year and wants to spend 3.6k/year on lunches and coffee?  Just let it go it's not worth it, happy wife happy life.

koshtra

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Re: Spouse’s spending not in synch with my values
« Reply #4 on: June 01, 2018, 06:09:44 PM »
Oh, definitely let it go. This spending actually makes no difference whatever in your life, but raising a ruckus about it probably would :-)

Or -- to be more exact -- if there is a problem it's not a financial one and addressing it in financial terms will not help you solve it.

snapperdude

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Re: Spouse’s spending not in synch with my values
« Reply #5 on: June 01, 2018, 06:17:35 PM »
Are you going to let her review all of your expenditures and veto the ones she objects to? Didn't think so.

DrMoney

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Re: Spouse’s spending not in synch with my values
« Reply #6 on: June 01, 2018, 06:18:23 PM »
Her spending is a drop in the bucket, and these lunches bring her happiness through connection. That's not in line with your values?

use2betrix

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Re: Spouse’s spending not in synch with my values
« Reply #7 on: June 01, 2018, 06:21:09 PM »
Could be worse. Imagine if your spouse only made $495k and you were $1000 more in the hole!

Heinz

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Re: Spouse’s spending not in synch with my values
« Reply #8 on: June 01, 2018, 06:25:23 PM »
Thanks all..reading the responses I realize how ridiculous my position is. 

Syonyk

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Re: Spouse’s spending not in synch with my values
« Reply #9 on: June 01, 2018, 09:40:01 PM »
Yup.

If you were both struggling, freshly out of college, with a pile of student loan debt, making barely more than minimum wage?  Yeah, $300/mo is a big deal, and that's something you should talk through.

At $1M in annual income with what sounds an awful lot like "fuck you money," it does not matter.  You've won.  It is absolutely not worth even mentioning at your financial status.

mozar

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Re: Spouse’s spending not in synch with my values
« Reply #10 on: June 01, 2018, 10:27:00 PM »
What do you do for work? That's what I want to know.

flower_girl

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Re: Spouse’s spending not in synch with my values
« Reply #11 on: June 01, 2018, 10:58:05 PM »
Given your excellent financial position I vote for letting it go too.

TheWifeHalf

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Re: Spouse’s spending not in synch with my values
« Reply #12 on: June 02, 2018, 01:41:14 PM »
I vote for letting it go, and buying her flowers every week

ltt

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MrUpwardlyMobile

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Re: Spouse’s spending not in synch with my values
« Reply #14 on: June 02, 2018, 02:56:00 PM »
I vote for letting it go, and buying her flowers every week
Agreed.  This would be crazy spending to some.  It’s irrelevant fractions for you.

Awesomeness

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Re: Spouse’s spending not in synch with my values
« Reply #15 on: June 02, 2018, 03:40:16 PM »
My ex spent 2600$ a month on himself only.  And drove a 900$ a month 2500 gmc Denali to work one mile down the road.  Had a 500$ a month Airstream payment.  It just sat. He brought in 5k a month.  He said he deserved it all.  I’m not lying. 

I think both our situations are extreme but I would have preferred yours. Lol



Kyle Schuant

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Re: Spouse’s spending not in synch with my values
« Reply #16 on: June 02, 2018, 04:02:49 PM »
That's not spending, that's a rounding error.

May more people have such problems.

Dragonswan

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Re: Spouse’s spending not in synch with my values
« Reply #17 on: June 04, 2018, 08:23:17 AM »
I have excellent math skills and yet I can't understand the word problem you present :)

Let it go. Consider her spending as helping some poor kid avoid student loans.  I'm thinking that probably aligns a little better with your values, no?

Roadrunner53

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Re: Spouse’s spending not in synch with my values
« Reply #18 on: June 04, 2018, 08:39:52 AM »
You need a hobby. If you had debt or low income this could present an issue. Life is short, your wife is enjoying what she does and makes plenty of money. I don't see the problem...let it go.

Villanelle

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Re: Spouse’s spending not in synch with my values
« Reply #19 on: June 04, 2018, 08:47:54 AM »
I vote to let it go, but also to lead by example.  How about you look at that beer spending, realize that maybe it isn't actually buying additional happiness and is more habitual than anything, and cut it?  Your wife may eventually follow suit, but likely she won't.  But you'll have a little more money and maybe feel a little better about your choices.

meghan88

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Re: Spouse’s spending not in synch with my values
« Reply #20 on: June 04, 2018, 01:00:09 PM »
Are you going to let her review all of your expenditures and veto the ones she objects to? Didn't think so.
^^ This.  Glad you've changed your viewpoint, OP.

FWIW, we own a car, much to my dismay, because DH needs it to (1) drive to the local municipal golf course once a week during the season, and (2) fetch beer.  Uber, or even taxis, would be cheaper than insurance, registration, depreciation, maintenance, emissions tests, etc.

And I let that go, even though I loathe everything about car ownership, and I earn more than him.

Edit:  and I paid for 50% of the car and I still pay 50% of the expenses.
« Last Edit: June 06, 2018, 02:51:39 PM by meghan88 »

use2betrix

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Re: Spouse’s spending not in synch with my values
« Reply #21 on: June 05, 2018, 06:00:34 AM »
Thanks all..reading the responses I realize how ridiculous my position is.

For many people, it’s not ridiculous. To also add to that, I think everyone here can fully relate to not wanting to “waste” money, regardless the magnitude.

That being said, with a spouse and something she thoroughly enjoys at such an insignificant cost (in your case) - let her have her little luxuries.

Linea_Norway

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Re: Spouse’s spending not in synch with my values
« Reply #22 on: June 05, 2018, 07:23:16 AM »
I vote to let it go, but also to lead by example. 
<...>

This ^^^.

I also try to lead by example, both when it comes to changing spending levels and when cleaning the house. It is so much nicer to get your spouse to follow you by his/her own initiative than you pushing for it.

MrThatsDifferent

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Re: Spouse’s spending not in synch with my values
« Reply #23 on: June 06, 2018, 04:54:38 AM »
To preface the discussion, my wife and I have enough assets to cover our needs in perpetuity.  As background, I left an employer and went to a company where I cashed out my equity upon a change in capitalization.  We had the option of stopping working, but my wife did not want to (oldest child heading off to college, youngest finishing 7th grade).  We are 51, 50.  When I reviewed our credit card bill (my wife pays the bills), there was $100/month for Starbucks plus another $200 in lunch spending.  Our combined income is over $1M gross annually and I have continued to work as my wife did not want to stop and I was bored.  Plus, it enables us to pay for school for two children at the Washington Jesuit Academy.  At one level, the spending does not matter overall — my wife earns what I do, and $4k a year is not material.  However, it seems like pure waste to me and I cannot get over that.  My wife believes it allows her to build relationships with her colleagues, but it just seems wasteful to me.  That said, I spend more on beer than is rationale and I imagine I should let it go?  I grew up poor — scholarships for college and graduate school.  Any thoughts welcome

I want to say things to you, things that would get me in trouble for being mean. So, um, I have a friend that is in your exact situation and all I could think is: what a petty, privileged, 1st world problem complainer. Anyways, can’t say more before my head explodes. Sheesh.