Author Topic: Spouse constantly nagging  (Read 11577 times)

Giro

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Spouse constantly nagging
« on: April 21, 2016, 01:11:53 PM »
I love my spouse dearly, but I'm getting pretty annoyed with the constant "nagging" (IMO).  Every time I have a meeting at my corporate office, I get "Are you getting a raise?"  Today, I found out my immediate boss (VP of Business Devel) is leaving the company.  My lovely, sweet, adorable spouse's only response is "Did you get an offer?" 

The dude traveled 75% of the time.  I don't want his job EVER! Every time this is brought up I very clearly state that I'm happy with my current responsibilities and would not increase those for more pay.  But, I still get hounded quite a bit to go after more money.

What else can I do? 

I make VERY good money for what I do, for where I live, for how we live, etc.  give me a damn break already. 


prognastat

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Re: Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #1 on: April 21, 2016, 01:21:16 PM »
Now I don't know much about you and your spouses communication styles and general interaction. It might be possible they are trying to be supportive, but they have a different communication style and aren't noticing you aren't taking it the way they are intending. Or the other way around when you are vocalizing your annoyance when they do this it might not be clear to them that you are serious about it.

It might be worthwhile to find a moment when both of you are calm and ask to have a serious conversation. Then say that though you appreciate them wanting to be involved with your professional wellbeing that although they means well it is having a negative impact on you and that you are happy with where you are at this time.

Depending on how often it comes up and how serious it is it might be worthwhile to have a similar conversation at that point, but put an emphasis on that it is causing negative feelings towards their involvement and that you don't want that happening.

Finally depending on how much your spouse works themselves it might be worth bringing up that if they are worried about the finances you would gladly help them look for a part time job or if they are working part-time you would gladly support them moving to full time. This might put things in to perspective.
« Last Edit: April 21, 2016, 01:26:35 PM by prognastat »

G-dog

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Re: Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #2 on: April 21, 2016, 01:26:31 PM »
Hmm, have you tried to address this at another time. These questions are irritating you, so not a good time to discuss at that moment. But at a calmer time, if you could find out why the spouse keeps asking, you can try to calmly address this issue.

Is thus the only topic that generates nagging? Or are there others? Thus will impact how you deal with this, depending on whether it is a specific topic, or a general behavior.

Check out the Crucial Conversations blog, Carolyn Hax or other sources for how to start addressing this. It won't be easy, but the better you can prepare yourself, the more calm you can stay during the discussion.

pdxbator

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Re: Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #3 on: April 21, 2016, 01:32:12 PM »
This is how my dad is with me every time I see him. "When are you going into management?"

Hell NO! That's my feeling but I react with something a little less inflammatory. I make good money, work a determined schedule, and I don't have to get calls on my cell phone at all hours day and night and weekend. I'm perfectly happy where I am thank you very much.

Giro

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Re: Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #4 on: April 21, 2016, 01:41:29 PM »
This is how my dad is with me every time I see him. "When are you going into management?"

Hell NO! That's my feeling but I react with something a little less inflammatory. I make good money, work a determined schedule, and I don't have to get calls on my cell phone at all hours day and night and weekend. I'm perfectly happy where I am thank you very much.

This is precisely how I feel.  We save more than half of our gross income...probably 70% of net.  We are FI already and I just turned 40.  Shit.   I made 140k last year in bum-fu.. Ohio.  That is as much as he made but only if you INCLUDE his retirement pay.  get off my case.....     I'm not this angry about it, honestly, I'm just venting.

And I know he has heard me.  I try to be extremely calm and explain why I don't want to 1.  work harder  or 2.  work longer hours  and definitely not 3. travel all over the damn country begging for business.  I hate sales.  hate hate hate.   


prognastat

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Re: Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #5 on: April 21, 2016, 01:49:26 PM »
If you are already FI then really the argument for me would end at, we don't need the extra money, if they do they can work extra to the extra money, and I like what I'm doing now.

AZDude

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Re: Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #6 on: April 21, 2016, 01:54:50 PM »
If you are FI, then why are you still working? Why do you let this linger and annoy rather than just have a talk and come to an understanding? Clearly your spouse does not know where you stand on this issue and does not understand your future plans. It should be an easy conversation to have.

Giro

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Re: Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #7 on: April 21, 2016, 02:05:00 PM »
If you are FI, then why are you still working? Why do you let this linger and annoy rather than just have a talk and come to an understanding? Clearly your spouse does not know where you stand on this issue and does not understand your future plans. It should be an easy conversation to have.

I respond every single time he says it.  EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.  It doesn't stop him.  My response this time "I wouldn't want his job, traveling 75% of the time all over the country and working 60 hours a week".     

it is a very easy conversation, but it doesn't stop the comments.  I've tried different approaches.  From a simple "no thank you, I'm good where I am" to more detailed responses "A raise would mean a lot more working hours, more responsibility, etc.  I like my more relaxed schedule now."  To even "We don't really need the money do we?  Why do you want me to try for a promotion?" 

And I still get "Why don't you go out on your own?"  "Talk to the owner and see if you can take over .... division." 

He doesn't really hear me. 

prognastat

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Re: Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #8 on: April 21, 2016, 02:08:11 PM »
If you are FI, then why are you still working? Why do you let this linger and annoy rather than just have a talk and come to an understanding? Clearly your spouse does not know where you stand on this issue and does not understand your future plans. It should be an easy conversation to have.

I respond every single time he says it.  EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.  It doesn't stop him.  My response this time "I wouldn't want his job, traveling 75% of the time all over the country and working 60 hours a week".     

it is a very easy conversation, but it doesn't stop the comments.  I've tried different approaches.  From a simple "no thank you, I'm good where I am" to more detailed responses "A raise would mean a lot more working hours, more responsibility, etc.  I like my more relaxed schedule now."  To even "We don't really need the money do we?  Why do you want me to try for a promotion?" 

And I still get "Why don't you go out on your own?"  "Talk to the owner and see if you can take over .... division." 

He doesn't really hear me. 

I would have a sit down conversation at a time when you are both calm and let him know that when he does that it is having a negative effect on your relationship and that if he is trying to be helpful it is doing harm rather than good. Maybe throw in that you would rather spend time with him than spend more time at work and being distracted by work when at home as you would be in a managerial position.

Giro

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Re: Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #9 on: April 21, 2016, 02:15:27 PM »
I'm going to try again tonight.  It was a quick reply today after my meeting.

Last time was about two months ago and I sat down and told him to please stop projecting his need for a promotion onto me.  I don't want to be promoted.  I want to finish my contract (which now ends November 2018) and retire.  I don't want to work anymore after that.  I'm very happy and content with my life and where we are financially.

Two days after that he asked me if I was going to start a business when I retire. 

I'll try to be as direct as possible. 


AZDude

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Re: Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #10 on: April 21, 2016, 02:40:34 PM »
You answer the question, but you do not talk about your future plans. Again... why are you still working if you are FI? There must be a reason. Explaining the reason and explaining what you have planned for the future is different from saying "I dont want that job, it would be too much travel.". Instead say, "Actually, this is my vision of the future....".

Not to defend someone with poor listening skills, but it could simply be he thinks you are making excuses, are afraid to actually go for it, etc...

G-dog

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Re: Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #11 on: April 21, 2016, 03:09:17 PM »
I'm going to try again tonight.  It was a quick reply today after my meeting.

Last time was about two months ago and I sat down and told him to please stop projecting his need for a promotion onto me.  I don't want to be promoted.  I want to finish my contract (which now ends November 2018) and retire.  I don't want to work anymore after that.  I'm very happy and content with my life and where we are financially.

Two days after that he asked me if I was going to start a business when I retire. 

I'll try to be as direct as possible.

How about just a stare in response? Honestly, you've told him before, so why answer again? Or, dig deeper for the cause of these comments. Does he not believe you are FI? Does he want a more luxurious lifestyle now or in 'retirement'? Did he come from a really poor or financially insecure family? That may help with any answers / reassurances / responses you decide to give.
« Last Edit: April 21, 2016, 09:30:35 PM by G-dog »

Giro

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Re: Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #12 on: April 21, 2016, 03:25:09 PM »
Our early retirement plans are very mutual.  He's working a couple of more years to bump up that 2nd govt pension.  I'm working until my contract ends.  Basically, getting the easy money and then we're out. 

I'm the one that grew up in poverty, not him.  He wants for nothing and is naturally frugal.  Idk what his deal is. 



pbkmaine

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Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #13 on: April 21, 2016, 03:26:12 PM »
ASK him what his deal is.
« Last Edit: April 21, 2016, 05:27:42 PM by pbkmaine »

gooki

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Re: Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #14 on: April 22, 2016, 05:17:38 AM »
Or just flip him the bird.

EOS

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Re: Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #15 on: April 22, 2016, 05:40:27 AM »
...and I sat down and told him to please stop projecting his need for a promotion onto me. 


I think you nailed it on the head with this line.

Good luck and hopefully he hears you..

ender

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Re: Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #16 on: April 22, 2016, 06:06:19 AM »
How about just a stare in response? Honestly, you've told him before, so why answer again? Or, dig deeper for the cause of these comments. Does he not believe you are FI? Does he want a more luxurious lifestyle now or in 'retirement'? Did he come from a really poor or financially insecure family? That may help with any answers / reassurances / responses you decide to give.

This.

There is something making him want to ask you this. Maybe just cultural expectation that promotions/raises are always better. Maybe financial insecurity. Maybe a tie of status to value. Who knows.

I will say that in this case, your spouse might not have known that your boss traveled all the time. You obviously did. But perhaps your spouse saw it as, "hey your boss quit and so you have a great opportunity to take his position!" and your reaction was, "that position [which your spouse may or may not have known the details of] would suck, stop nagging."


thd7t

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Re: Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #17 on: April 22, 2016, 06:22:29 AM »
I'm going to try again tonight.  It was a quick reply today after my meeting.

Last time was about two months ago and I sat down and told him to please stop projecting his need for a promotion onto me.  I don't want to be promoted.  I want to finish my contract (which now ends November 2018) and retire.  I don't want to work anymore after that.  I'm very happy and content with my life and where we are financially.

Two days after that he asked me if I was going to start a business when I retire. 

I'll try to be as direct as possible.

How about just a stare in response? Honestly, you've told him before, so why answer again? Or, dig deeper for the cause of these comments. Does he not believe you are FI? Does he want a more luxurious lifestyle now or in 'retirement'? Did he come from a really poor or financially insecure family? That may help with any answers / reassurances / responses you decide to give.
I will agree with digging deeper, but strongly disagree with "just staring". That is the kind of passive aggressive behavior that builds resentment on both sides.

G-dog

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Re: Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #18 on: April 22, 2016, 06:27:40 AM »
How about just a stare in response? Honestly, you've told him before, so why answer again? Or, dig deeper for the cause of these comments. Does he not believe you are FI? Does he want a more luxurious lifestyle now or in 'retirement'? Did he come from a really poor or financially insecure family? That may help with any answers / reassurances / responses you decide to give.

This.

There is something making him want to ask you this. Maybe just cultural expectation that promotions/raises are always better. Maybe financial insecurity. Maybe a tie of status to value. Who knows.

I will say that in this case, your spouse might not have known that your boss traveled all the time. You obviously did. But perhaps your spouse saw it as, "hey your boss quit and so you have a great opportunity to take his position!" and your reaction was, "that position [which your spouse may or may not have known the details of] would suck, stop nagging."
He may think you are so great that you deserve a promotion as the company's recognition of your contribution and is just trying to be supportive or boost your confidence. Without digging to try to unearth his thinking you don't know if the questioning is him being an ass or him being a cheerleader.

MonkeyJenga

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Re: Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #19 on: April 22, 2016, 06:33:13 AM »
Quote
Our early retirement plans are very mutual.  He's working a couple of more years to bump up that 2nd govt pension.  I'm working until my contract ends.  Basically, getting the easy money and then we're out. 

Quote
Two days after that he asked me if I was going to start a business when I retire. 

The above stood out to me. How certain are you that he wants early retirement, for himself and for you? I agree with other posters who recommend asking. The "5 Why's" can help. Ask why, and the first answer is usually a symptom. Ask why that first why is true, and you get an excuse. Third why, blame. Fourth why, getting closer. Fifth why, root cause. Basically, don't accept the first answer as the real reason. It could be a symptom or excuse. He may not even know the real reason.

...and I sat down and told him to please stop projecting his need for a promotion onto me. 


I think you nailed it on the head with this line.

Good luck and hopefully he hears you..

That's funny, I saw that line and thought the opposite. It may be accurate, but if your goal is having an open, honest conversation about his reasons for bringing this up so that you are both on the same page, you don't want to accuse him of anything and make him defensive.


EOS

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Re: Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #20 on: April 22, 2016, 06:45:24 AM »
Quote
Our early retirement plans are very mutual.  He's working a couple of more years to bump up that 2nd govt pension.  I'm working until my contract ends.  Basically, getting the easy money and then we're out. 

Quote
Two days after that he asked me if I was going to start a business when I retire. 

The above stood out to me. How certain are you that he wants early retirement, for himself and for you? I agree with other posters who recommend asking. The "5 Why's" can help. Ask why, and the first answer is usually a symptom. Ask why that first why is true, and you get an excuse. Third why, blame. Fourth why, getting closer. Fifth why, root cause. Basically, don't accept the first answer as the real reason. It could be a symptom or excuse. He may not even know the real reason.

...and I sat down and told him to please stop projecting his need for a promotion onto me. 


I think you nailed it on the head with this line.

Good luck and hopefully he hears you..

That's funny, I saw that line and thought the opposite. It may be accurate, but if your goal is having an open, honest conversation about his reasons for bringing this up so that you are both on the same page, you don't want to accuse him of anything and make him defensive.

I'm not saying to accuse him of that, or even mention it to him  lol   

MonkeyJenga

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Re: Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #21 on: April 22, 2016, 07:04:09 AM »
I'm not saying to accuse him of that, or even mention it to him  lol

Giro already did say it to him. I thought you were responding in the context of "that's probably true and good job bringing it up." My misinterpretation. Either way, I was suggesting to Giro not to tell husband what he's thinking. It doesn't matter what she or we think the reason is. (I have no idea, it could be a number of things.)

BFGirl

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Re: Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #22 on: April 22, 2016, 11:03:26 AM »
Perhaps you and your spouse need to more clearly discuss your reasons and plans for retirement.  You might also tell your spouse that while you appreciate his support in your career choices, his constant asking about it stresses you out.  He may not know how it is effecting you.

dinkhelpneeded

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Re: Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #23 on: April 22, 2016, 05:13:57 PM »
I was that spouse, until my husband told me if I wanted more money I am more than welcome to go make some myself.

It hurt, but now I think its the best advice anyone ever gave to me :)

For me, the nagging came from a place of financial insecurity and a lack of control (of my own future). We still encourage each other to do more challenging things, but those conversations are way less suggestive/nagging and more driven by what we want.

sol

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Re: Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #24 on: April 22, 2016, 05:17:20 PM »
Giro, you have a long history of complaining about your spouse on this forum.  Maybe you should talk through these issues with the relevant party, instead of with us?

Lanthiriel

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Re: Spouse constantly nagging
« Reply #25 on: April 23, 2016, 11:45:34 AM »
This is how my dad is with me every time I see him. "When are you going into management?"

Hell NO! That's my feeling but I react with something a little less inflammatory. I make good money, work a determined schedule, and I don't have to get calls on my cell phone at all hours day and night and weekend. I'm perfectly happy where I am thank you very much.

My dad did this to me too until I told him we weren't going to talk about money anymore. Now we don't talk :/ OP, sorry your spouse isn't supportive. Have you asked them why it's so important?