Some life advice needed at 35

[dragonwalker]

I’ll be turning 35 in a couple days and I don’t feel happy about it. I feel like a bit of a failure. There isn’t an obvious reason why as I didn’t do anything “wrong” per se. I went to college, worked from before college all the way to the present, managed to accumulate some level of assets above what is typical of my age, have an ok job and working to furthering my career with a graduate degree. However, when I look at the details and at what some of my peers have accomplished, I feel totally deflated.

I graduated from college in 2010, I took essentially a relatively low skill retail job which I think dictated my future career much more than I thought at the time. It was connected a bit to what I had an aptitude in and I did work myself up through that first company for 8 years and then transitioned to another similar company where over the past 5 years I’ve worked up in it as well. However, these progressions have been very modest. The result now is I have a relatively junior position making a modest amount.

Ironically, even though while I make a modest amount I’ve always been comfortable since I’m fairly frugal, low key, and made a few good investment decisions over my professional working career that have yielded good results (on paper since I haven’t cashed out on all of them yet).

However, when I look around at some of my colleagues particularly the younger ones who have better paying jobs and with greater responsibility I can’t help but think about how badly I “screwed up”. I sometimes feel an intense envy particularly a person who has done better position wise than I have especially if their background is like mine. It’s very particular because it isn’t just anyone, for example say a young salesman making lots of money, I’m not envious of all of that. However, it’s particularly someone with less technical experience or education but still managed to get money and title. Mentally, I’ve tried to rationalize this by identifying some quality or skill about this person possess which makes sense as to why this happened and sometimes, I find it and other times I can’t and chalk it up to nepotism and favoritism (which perhaps is a skill of its own).  The result is almost always a reminder of my own failings doing something relatively mediocre. 
Now, my brain is at least somewhat rational about this and I realize there are a lot of things I should be grateful for and technically I have some good things going for me but I just felt that at this point in my life I would be doing something of greater responsibility and pay.

In recent years I’ve tried to be very thoughtful and intentional about achieving where I want to be but its painful sometimes to see people just get the position and title when I don’t see the obvious effort. I’ve worked hard at considering the importance and value of the social component of success. The type of skills that are difficult to learn and master and aren’t typically addressed in school. While I don’t consider myself very skilled at it, I think I do try hard in things like networking, being social, making friends, putting myself out there, taking chances, pushing boundaries, and getting heard. I believe most would identify me as someone who makes a decent show of it.   
 
This feeling I get comes in bouts but it’s not a psychological situation where I feel very good about myself and then very bad. I think I’m relatively realistic about where I am in life and see a lot of areas of improvement. However, there is marked difference I think when I see others who seem to have a satisfaction about their life that is just never quite there for me. It’s not like I’m wildly successful so there is some truth to my point. I’ve heard people describe this as being uptight or being hard on myself and maybe it is but the truth is I can’t help but feel that way sometimes.
For those of you wondering I have spoken to therapists not about this per se but about anxiety issues I’ve had and none of them have identified any clear issue but have advised various techniques to adjust my thinking on my own. This has worked to varying degrees and I’m good at catching myself when I’m having a “bad” day and I think I bounce back quickly back to where it’s not on my mind constantly.

Unfortunately, I feel a bit like the Frank Grimes character from the Simpsons for those of you in the know. However, I don’t think people around me are like Homer. What might be odd is the Grimes character was meant to be an antagonist but I remember even as a kid when I first saw that I related to that character somehow.
Anyway, has anyone else felt that way I do and what have you done about it? What has helped you if you ever have these thoughts come up? There are times though I think the positives of these thoughts are that on some level it does drive my desire to improve, learn, and adapt for if I didn’t have it I could find myself as someone totally satisfied with the same simple job for their whole life. On some level I feel it’s a gift to be able to feel satisfaction like that which I can’t seem to.

Another thing is I don’t have my own family or any children so I feel as if I have even less of an “excuse” to be where I am as people with families with technically busier lives than me successfully achieved more. It kind of drives me to think what have I been doing with my life? 

[expatartist]

They say that changing companies is the fastest way to get a raise *if* you negotiate well. There are many experienced corporate/ex-corporate people on these boards who can give you better advice than I can on this front.

How did turning 30 feel? Were you affected by it as so many people seem to be?
35 for me was a challenge (felt in a rut) while 30 (recently married) wasn't a problem at all. It sounds like your life could use some shaking up. Affordably of course ;) The life stages expected by society don't neatly follow age markers, but sometimes those numbers can get us reflecting on whether we are where we want to be and how to do better. It's never too late to change our life path.

[Dicey]

I bet myself that within five replies someone would remind you that comparison is the thief of joy. Hmm, I guess I won my bet?

Seriously, the best thing about mustachianism, besides saving the planet, is that it teaches you not to give a flying fuck what the Joneses are doing, because mustachianism wins.

Have you read every-blog-post-since-the-beginning-of-time? That would be a good place to start.

[kina]

I bet myself that within five replies someone would remind you that comparison is the thief of joy. Hmm, I guess I won my bet?

Seriously, the best thing about mustachianism, besides saving the planet, is that it teaches you not to give a flying fuck what the Joneses are doing, because mustachianism wins.

Have you read every-blog-post-since-the-beginning-of-time? That would be a good place to start.

Yup, I was thinking it.

[herbgeek]

Fwiw, I also have this from time to time and I'm in my 60s and retired.  I have to remind myself to reframe and then I feel better.

It usually happens when I'm on LinkedIn and see someone who I considered not really skillful getting to a high management level.  I remind myself that I made a conscious choice for work life balance in my 20s, and after getting to middle management realized that the small amount of extra salary was not commensurate with the extra work, and the extra time my brain was thinking about all the issues I needed to deal with.    I remind myself that I choose to get off that path.    I remind myself that was capable of operating at that level, I just chose to find something more personally satisfying.  And I retired early anyways.   

Comparing yourself to others, especially when you don't know their struggles, isn't productive and just makes you feel bad.  Its only good if it helps you to examine your own life, and if there are things you need/want to be doing instead.

[merryt]

I am similar age, and have similar feelings from time to time. A few of the more successful things i have tried:

• Asking "Do I have my wants and needs met?" If so, "What do they have that i dont, do i want those things?"
• Projecting their lives out 10 year the way they are currently living it. Would i want it? If so, probably not to late to make changes
• Asking "Am i saisfied with where I am? (In a vaccume)" If so asking "Do I wish for them to be less sussessful?"
  

 By running down these path i realize i am using money/titles/acomplisments as a score keeping tool in a game I didnt even realize I was playing. I want to be successful, i want people around me to be successful, if both of those things are true and they are MORE successful is that a bad thing?

[GilesMM]

Comparison is the thief of joy.

[TheAnonOne]

You probably did not live up to your potential. Not many actually do, and even the more successful people have this very thought.

I was on the other side, making 6 figures at 22 and I hit 1MM status in my very late 20s and I still hear myself in your post, and I'll be solidly FI (RE?) before 40.

There isn't a fix for your past situation. If you feel bad enough about it, just do everything you can to not write the same post when you turn 45.

[chemistk]

First, your feelings ARE valid. Don't allow yourself or others to squash them. Contextualize them? Absolutely. Digest them? A must! Come to peace with them? Of course. But please, don't try and tell yourself that you're not permitted to feel the way you do, and don't allow others to diminish your perspective.

Second, if you haven't done so yet (or if it's been some time), please consider therapy. There are underlying things to your post that are rooted deeper in your past that would be extraordinarily beneficial to seek professional help with.

A good place to start is to stop discounting what you already have. Not to guilt yourself into feeling bad about feeling bad, but to allow yourself to recenter. Are you healthy? Do you have a family and social network? A job? A shelter? Do you wake up under a looming threat of violence?

The hand we are dealt in life is not one which we always can completely influence. Try as we might, things happened before we were born, while we were kids, and even as adults that moved our lives in one direction or another.

Consider if all the objects of your envy were fulfilled starting tomorrow morning- what would you do? Where would you go? How would you feel relative to others? How would others view you? Would you like who you suddenly are? What would you do next with your life?

Consider a different future - next year, entirely through your own efforts, you've achieved your desired end (at least the end you seek now) and ask yourself the same questions.

And now consider yet another future - one in which you're at the same place at 36 relative to where you are now at 35. How do the answers to those questions change?

And finally, one more perspective - suppose you're fortunate to make it to 85 in good health. How would 85 year old you view you now? Is it an image of someone to regret, or is it a life well lived.

You're living in every other moment than that of present, and in every other perspective except your own. In spite of every possible excuse you could ever think of as to why you can't do something, won't do something, or shouldn't do something, you have every opportunity to do the best to align the course of your life, to the best of you ability, to the ideal path for you.

The challenge is not how you're going to get there, the challenge is that you don't know what it is that you seek from yourself and your life.

For me, it's become clearer as time goes on, that living as myself, in the moment, is far more healthy and productive than trying to be or to dream about someone who I'm not and who I won't be.

[Paper Chaser]

There will always be more to lust after or be envious of. You have to figure out how to be content with who/what you are, and you have to determine what you value enough to pursue with your time/energy/money.

[jeromedawg]

What I've come to learn is that there's *always* someone who's better, more efficient, faster, stronger, etc than you are. At some point, after you daydream about the "what ifs" you come back to reality and keep living your own life, caring for what is most important and worth caring about. To me, it's a waste of time and energy caring about the "what ifs" anymore. Does that mean it never happens? No... but the amount of time and energy I actually spend caring just seems to decrease as I get older.

[SuperNintendo Chalmers]

LOL, when I was halfway through your post, I was thinking, "I wonder if they've seen the Frank Grimes episode...."

As someone who's had a bit of Frank Grimes thoughts in the past, here are some ponderings that have helped me:

1.  To me, the point of the Frank Grimes episode is actually positive and freeing--there will ALWAYS be unfairness in the world, and often it will be stark, raving unfairness--and the only sane thing to do is accept it, chuckle at its absurdity, and move on.

2.  There are reasons you made decisions in the past, even if not evident to you.  Let's say you could change things and go back and make different decisions.  Let's also say those decisions meant that you were making $500K now, with a "perfect" spouse and children, leader in your field, "having it all", and I don't know whatever other "success" things.  There is no guarantee you would be even remotely happy in that situation, and in fact, it could turn out disastrous for you.  You made decisions for a reason, and they just might lead you to a life you would never imagine changing.

3.  Most importantly:  If you're going to compare, you should compare both ways.  As much as you feel like Frank Grimes to other Homers, how many people would feel like Frank Grimes to you?  There are probably literally MILLIONS of people in the world who have innate abilities, smarts, strength, determination, grit, social skills, etc., that if given the right conditions, would be insanely successful.  But because of the conditions they were dealt, have to work essentially indentured servant jobs their whole lives.  Or another example -- have you ever made a mistake in the past, and yet been able to recover?  There are likely thousands of people, especially those not conforming to the "right" groups, who made a similar mistake and yet are NOT able to recover, because they are arrested/injured/punished/incarcerated/etc. such that they don't get the "do over" and are stuck with it their entire lives.  These thoughts are not meant to provoke guilt or a "suck it up" vibe.  It's merely an effort to be honest with what's going on, and thus freeing. 

Good luck.

[sonofsven]

Also, remember you graduated and began your working career in the midst of the worst recession we've faced since the 1930's. That's not an excuse, it's just reality. And with no family support? You are a success story.

[Laura33]

Sounds to me like you're in a rut of beating yourself up for past choices.  That's both a trap and an excuse:  it convinces you that you're stuck where you are, because of past decisions; therefore, your continued unhappiness is someone else's fault (Past You, who was stupid), and all you can do is live with it and wish things could have been different. 

You need to get out of that rut.  First, it's not true.  Past You made the best decisions he could, based on what he knew at the time.  Those decisions were probably not perfect, because Past You is just as human as everyone else.  But you know what?  They may well have been the best decisions available that just didn't turn out great.  Because life is not always fair, and Past You was not omniscient. 

More importantly, that thought pattern does not serve your best interests.  When you focus on past decisions -- which, by definition, cannot be changed -- you persuade yourself that there's nothing you can do about it, and thus take away your own power and agency over your own life.

Instead of focusing on what you did in the past, focus on what you can do right now.*  Your future is completely open, and you now have much more maturity and life experience to make the most of it.  You can go back to college or trade school and get a degree/certification in something that puts you on a higher-earning track.  You can investigate ways to really learn those social skills, like joining a Toastmasters club, getting a career coach, etc.  You can start applying for jobs with different companies.  You can ask for a promotion, find a mentor, ask him to help you plot a career path to higher earnings and figure out what gaps you need to fill. 

Yes, each of those options is going to have downsides.  But don't dismiss them out of hand.  Take the time to brainstorm all of your options, and then to rationally assess the pros and cons of each.  There is no perfect answer -- no reward without risk of failure, no victory without cost.  You are in your current job because it provides something you value (stability, security, etc.).  So balance that out against the downsides, do the same analysis with all your other options, and then pick the path with the most pros and the fewest cons.  The way to being content with yourself and where you are is to know that you are following the best path available to you right now -- and that if that path doesn't work, you can evaluate everything again and choose another one.


*I am reminded of the best Ann Landers (?) column ever:  the OP said I'm 35, I've always wanted to be a doctor, couldn't do that when I was younger because XYZ, but if I go back to school now, it'll take 8 years, and I won't be a doctor until I'm 43.  What should I do?  And Ann said:  how old will you be in 8 years if you don't go back to school? 

[snic]

It's strange. Some conversations I have with my wife are about how neither of us reached our full potential (i.e., didn't make it to the top in our careers). Other conversations are about how lucky we are to have come this far and how great our life is. Which one is true?

Both of them.

What I've learned is that there is always someone smarter, more accomplished, more successful, better at everything I try to do, etc etc etc. I used to be jealous. I'm not anymore. My attitude is that I'll learn what I can from those who've done it better, but I'm pretty comfortable with my life now, so why go out of my way to change things?

OP, you don't mention whether you're in a relationship or not. I wouldn't say that having a significant other is necessary, per se, but it can really help to put things in perspective. If you're with someone who "gets" you and respects you for what you've accomplished, you start to focus more on that relationship and how great life is because of it, NOT (just) because of how you define yourself at work. If you're not the relationship type, and/or don't have that kind of partner, it might be worth thinking about who you are as a person aside from "a person who does X for a living." What is your worth to others and yourself? De-attach that from work and get involved with other things that will start define who you are. And because you ARE financially successful (income exceeds expenses is a reasonably good definition), maybe that will shift your perceptions towards seeing yourself as someone who is successful at who you want to be, and not in relation to others.

[eyesonthehorizon]

Beginning a career in the Great Recession was like standing ten paces before the starting line with no shoes on. The kids getting hired today are doing so after over a year of remarkable inflation, in a tight labor market with very low unemployment. Fast food is paying $16 to start with cash bonuses after some months. There is no comparing their career trajectory with us. (We got to have more stable childhoods on average, however, without losing our first adult socializing years to a pandemic - there is some balance.)

Our generation was (hopefully among the last) told that there was a reliable path to adulthood & we'd have accomplished that checklist by now: marriage, kids, stable career, single family home with a two-car garage. But we had the rug pulled just as or just before we got started; getting any job in 2010 was difficult, no matter the (lack of) pay or prestige, so few of us have gotten to speedrun the checklist our parents did on the GI bill or in an era of affordable tuition. That can leave you feeling shortchanged, or it can be an opportunity to assess & redefine what you feel like adulthood or success should mean.

Surveying others' success isn't just a way to end up disappointed - it's usually a signal of a preexisting dissatisfaction, as you identified. Without making comparisons to others, what specifically leaves you dissatisfied in your life? It's clear you'd like to make more, though the main thing I hear is that you'd like a bit more social recognition or to make more of a difference ("greater responsibility".) You can accomplish that through work, of course, but then if you ever lose that job or it changes underneath you, you lose the sense of being seen or ability to make change. Is there something you could do within your non-work social groups to fulfill that need?

We also came up in a society that was increasingly isolated & only hands out opportunities for team effort or social entrenchment as a condition of employment. By making that as scarce as possible outside the workplace we squeeze people toward working lots of extra hours, which they then spend lots of extra money to unwind from. Having a backup social presence that feeds recognition & efficacy seems like a gap you could fill, & doesn't hurt your chances of a career acceleration either.

So what do you want to be ambitious about? What does a good life actually look like to you in a tangible sense?

[dragonwalker]

Thank you all for the replies and your insights. I think the poster who had said that I may feel that I haven't lived up to my potential is spot on in accounting for some of my feeling and I think the feelings are amplified by the comparisons I make in my head. These comparisons aren’t helpful because there will always be someone “better” and the fact I don’t know their entire situation probably can exaggerate how good I think someone’s situation is.

I have heard several of you mention graduating at a challenging economic time and I have considered that as well. I know it’s true but I think it’s helpful for me not to use that as a drag for my future because I know it’s possible to grow beyond that.

Regarding, whether I have a partner. I have now for the past 7 months or so and that person has been a great person in my life and mentally I think has been good for me. However, in the past for most of my adult life I’ve had a very difficult time even finding a partner (no obvious reason I could tell but it was a struggle). Very ironically, my partner though is a medical doctor and everything about her journey, time, and effort to accomplish doing that in some ways really proves as an example of the pinnacle of success. Sure, things are all rosy with her but she’s a guiding light on that path of life. I hope one day to marry her.

Also ironically someone mentioned Toastmaster which I have recently joined at work and we are about to start our 1st official meeting. It’s a company sponsored one so everyone is an employee and I’ve stepped to be an officer in the club and I think it’s something I am doing to learn and improve upon a useful skill and network. I’ve also joined a work leadership program that is a yearlong experience which will culminate in a capstone project presented to the CEO (coincidentally as my MBA capstone as well). Finally, I have recently taken part in a work mentorship program although that program I need to consider how to move forward at the moment. Also when possible I’ve tried to volunteer at work for some of the non-profits to do some good and also to show I’m capable of contributing in a way not tied completely by the work I do. Meanwhile socially I'm trying to continue to develop and maintain meaningful friendships and hobbies and bring some joy in life.   

Doing these things does ease the feeling of career stagnation because I’m taking some action on it. At the same time I’m constantly asking others what I can do more? What am I missing or not seeing about myself that maybe people don’t want to tell me or say? Sometimes I wonder if I’m pushing to hard to find fault in myself or is it something that just takes me more time when others may not need the time.

I do think I have that part of me that is optimistic about the future. Hearing several people on hear also talk about how my feelings aren’t total foreign to others gives me some comfort that my struggle isn’t unique and maybe just part of life. I’m 35 now and I’m hoping by this time every year I will feel more happy and fulfilled.   

[use2betrix]

First and foremost, you need to decide whether your happiness and self worth is determined by your career and income. If you *love* your work and it defines you, then it’s more reasonable to answer “yes” to the initial question.

I will tell you from first hand experience that neither money nor a successful career determine happiness. In many aspects, they can do quite the opposite as the considerable added stress that comes along with those things can actually make you far more miserable.

I will start this with a qualification statement that I am 34, have an associates degree, a net worth over $1mm, and made $450k last year. I’m also a higher level manager in a Fortune 500 company over 25+ people mostly (much) older than me.

Let’s pretend that the answer to the question is a HEALTHY “yes.” So, the next steps are to look at how you can get ahead more in your career and the subsequent income.

Ways to improve:
1. How much per week are you exercising? I believe that every capable adult should get 2-5 hrs/wk of good, intentional exercise. This will help you both mentally and physically and is something that I believe is an important factor in overall success. A healthy diet, weight, and limit of alcohol/drugs go along with this.

2. How much time spent outside of work are you reading material with the clear goal of bettering yourself. This could be motivational to improve your work ethic, becoming a better speaker, becoming a better leader/manager, etc.

3. How many hours are you working a week? In my opinion, if you truly want to excel and that’s your goal and that’s what makes you happy, you should be working 50-60 hrs every single week. That is a very quick way to surpass your peers, assuming they are working less. I worked 850 hrs of overtime last year that all up until my new position this year, has been typical for the last 12 years. That means that I am earning experience at a level of nearly 1.5x my peers. While I have 14 years of calendar years experience, I have 20+ ‘working years’ experience compared to someone who has been working 40 hr weeks with more vacation.

4. How locked into your location are you? If you’re locked in, why? If it’s by choice, or not, remember that it is holding you back. People with a major goal of moving up in their industry are at a major advantage if they are willing to relocate. They are able to source the “best” jobs they can get hired for, country wide. That entails major sacrifices as well. You might get stuck someone less than desirable for a few years, but it also means the best job. I’ve lived in 8+ states and moved 20+ times in my career, continuously moving up the ladder in position & income.

These are a few things that I have found to be successful above and beyond what is the “norm.” I will still add that these things do not entail happiness, particularly until you’re able to get to a point high enough up the ladder that you can begin to coast a bit. Also, the best position and income often equates to more stress, particularly if you want to succeed and/or you’re wired for it.

Lastly - i’d suggest going on YouTube and searching for “Jordan Peterson Motivation.” He’s a clinical Psychologist who provides some remarkable interviews regarding success, happiness, and building a better life. I listen to his interviews/lectures regularly when weightlifting. He has the occasional views that are a little out there, but I find his general message unrivaled.

[StarBright]

I once read that it takes most people until they are about 47 to "quell their unfeasible aspirations."  And once you let that go you become progressively happier. And for what it is worth, these feelings (unhappiness and "not enoughness") seem to be experienced by most people in their 30s and 40s across all cultures and socio-economic backgrounds.  The punchy name for it is "The Happiness Curve."

I try to look at these feelings as a stage of growth in my own development as a human - we are sort of wired this way! Just like I look at my kid and remind myself that his frontal lobes won't finish developing until he's in his 20s. It helps me to remind myself this is a normal feeling and it will pass with time.

37 was the rough year for me - all of the sudden I was in my late 30s and there seemed to be no way around it.

I also think the suggestion to compare both ways is really helpful too! I had a very small undergrad cohort and three of my friends have shot to notable levels of fame in their respective fields. Those are the ones I find myself comparing myself to and feeling like a failure. But if I look at the whole cohort I'm probably right in the middle - on one end of spectrum, one of our friends is pretty famous and goes to amazing awards shows and wins some too! but on the other end one of our group died very young from alcohol abuse.

I'm probably right in the middle, and honestly, even though I would love to accomplish some of what my friends have, I certainly wouldn't TRADE positions. I find I want what they have AND I want to keep what I already have. Again, probably just human nature :)

[Laura33]

37 was the rough year for me - all of the sudden I was in my late 30s and there seemed to be no way around it.

OMG yes.  My 38th was miserable.  In the thick of young child and recent move and demanding job; drove into the office and Pink Floyd's "Time" was on the radio, and it freaking killed me. 

39 and 40, OTOH, were a breeze.

So OP, maybe you can feel successful because you hit that point several years before I did?  Of course, it could just be that I'm particularly slow.  ;-)

[eyesonthehorizon]

37 was the rough year for me - all of the sudden I was in my late 30s and there seemed to be no way around it.

OMG yes.  My 38th was miserable.  In the thick of young child and recent move and demanding job; drove into the office and Pink Floyd's "Time" was on the radio, and it freaking killed me. 

39 and 40, OTOH, were a breeze.

So OP, maybe you can feel successful because you hit that point several years before I did?  Of course, it could just be that I'm particularly slow.  ;-)

Holy #$%^. How's that for feeling like the universe is shouting at you without even the veil of a metaphor. Thank you for passing it along for those who might need it - including me.

[draco44]

From one dragon-themed username to another, I wish you well!

I've gone (and still sometimes go) through many of these same type of thoughts, and your prompt reminded me of a specific advice columnist whose work I have enjoyed: Ask Polly, aka Heather Havrilesky, formerly of The Cut https://www.thecut.com/tags/ask-polly/. She's good at really digging around in people's complicated internal emotional swirls and considering the roots of what's troubling people and where they might go from there. She also published a book a few years ago that I checked out from the public library and enjoyed.

A sample prompt from one of her posts:
"Why am I so fascinated by other people but I can’t help taking all the interesting things I observe about them and using those things to make myself feel bad? Or, at the very least, to tell a story about how their aesthetic choices or that interesting way they carry themselves or their hobbies indicate that I am not that thing?” (https://www.thecut.com/2020/10/why-do-other-peoples-interests-make-me-so-insecure.html)

[Extramedium]

A lot of really great advice here, and I don’t have a lot more insight into this human condition than anyone else, but I totally agree that reaching the mid-30s can start you questioning your decisions. I was a few years into my 40s when I realized I was so much happier than really any previous time of my life.  I got called by the Gallup poll, one on life satisfaction, and realized by hearing my own answers that my life was so rich, and I had more agency than I had appreciated. I’ve (mostly) felt like that most of the time since.

The Stoics have a lot to say on these matters, especially around the same ideas as the Serenity Prayer.  Try to see the world as it is.  Work to change what you can control (hint: not much, mostly your own skill at using reasoning and discernment).  Let go of anything you can’t control.

In this light, it makes as much sense as fretting about whether there are mosquitoe, or the weather next week. There’s nothing to do for these, so just let go.

Good luck, and hang in there.

[dragonwalker]

First and foremost, you need to decide whether your happiness and self worth is determined by your career and income. If you *love* your work and it defines you, then it’s more reasonable to answer “yes” to the initial question.

I will tell you from first hand experience that neither money nor a successful career determine happiness. In many aspects, they can do quite the opposite as the considerable added stress that comes along with those things can actually make you far more miserable.

I will start this with a qualification statement that I am 34, have an associates degree, a net worth over $1mm, and made $450k last year. I’m also a higher level manager in a Fortune 500 company over 25+ people mostly (much) older than me.

Let’s pretend that the answer to the question is a HEALTHY “yes.” So, the next steps are to look at how you can get ahead more in your career and the subsequent income.

Ways to improve:
1. How much per week are you exercising? I believe that every capable adult should get 2-5 hrs/wk of good, intentional exercise. This will help you both mentally and physically and is something that I believe is an important factor in overall success. A healthy diet, weight, and limit of alcohol/drugs go along with this.

2. How much time spent outside of work are you reading material with the clear goal of bettering yourself. This could be motivational to improve your work ethic, becoming a better speaker, becoming a better leader/manager, etc.

3. How many hours are you working a week? In my opinion, if you truly want to excel and that’s your goal and that’s what makes you happy, you should be working 50-60 hrs every single week. That is a very quick way to surpass your peers, assuming they are working less. I worked 850 hrs of overtime last year that all up until my new position this year, has been typical for the last 12 years. That means that I am earning experience at a level of nearly 1.5x my peers. While I have 14 years of calendar years experience, I have 20+ ‘working years’ experience compared to someone who has been working 40 hr weeks with more vacation.

4. How locked into your location are you? If you’re locked in, why? If it’s by choice, or not, remember that it is holding you back. People with a major goal of moving up in their industry are at a major advantage if they are willing to relocate. They are able to source the “best” jobs they can get hired for, country wide. That entails major sacrifices as well. You might get stuck someone less than desirable for a few years, but it also means the best job. I’ve lived in 8+ states and moved 20+ times in my career, continuously moving up the ladder in position & income.

These are a few things that I have found to be successful above and beyond what is the “norm.” I will still add that these things do not entail happiness, particularly until you’re able to get to a point high enough up the ladder that you can begin to coast a bit. Also, the best position and income often equates to more stress, particularly if you want to succeed and/or you’re wired for it.

Lastly - i’d suggest going on YouTube and searching for “Jordan Peterson Motivation.” He’s a clinical Psychologist who provides some remarkable interviews regarding success, happiness, and building a better life. I listen to his interviews/lectures regularly when weightlifting. He has the occasional views that are a little out there, but I find his general message unrivaled.

I think I am getting better at not tying my personal worth into my career or how much money I make. As I said before I live pretty frugally so I'm not for lack of want. I think regardless of how much money I make I will be probably be this way and not suddenly suffer from lifestyle creep. With that said making $450K+ is an absolute obscene amount of money for me to make. My idea literally of where I want to be is somewhere much more modest at about $100K + annual adjustment to inflation. I think the goal is quite modest and very achievable. I know I could easily do this now in a sales role at the company I work at but I don't want to do sales. I do want to some level of analytical, management, bigger picture decision making responsibility job.

To your questions:
1. I actually do exercise about 3-4 hours a week mostly running and some weights. I am in decent shape, not overweight. I do not smoke, drink, or do drugs. I cook most meals.
2. Outside of work I do less of this primarily because I am doing a fair amount of this in my MBA program and just recently joining work clubs like Toastmasters and really being very deliberate about networking with people via meals. My goal is to try to reach out and have a meal with someone different every week.
3. I work a typical amount of hours in a work week. For better or worse there is not enough work to take it beyond that. The culture at our place does not encourage it and personally I use to think something like that was required but my thinking on that has changed. Most people in positions higher than me do not work regularly the amount you described. I do however don't take vacations.
4. I am technically not locked to one area although I do have a mother who is alone so I do have a desire to be near her. I have a partner who I see a future with nearby and since I live in a major metro area I do think there are sufficient opportunities in the city. I have some flexibility and willingness to go further for the right job. Some practical considerations like work paying for school keeps me tied to my current company but I would leave if a sufficiently lucrative opportunity presented itself. I am the type however to find comfort in workplace stability so moving is something that I would tend to avoid. Consider that in my own 13 years of professional experience I've only been at 2 companies. I feel this has hurt me if looking purely at a financial perspective but it's also not a surprise even to me because I have find a measure of comfort and attraction to trying to grow in 1 place. However I am mindful to be open to the need to move on. I am not sure how you manage to move 20+ times in a career spanning 14 years but suffice to say I would not be willing to do that.

Coincidentally I have watched a number of Jordan Petersen's videos and he does have some good insights and I do think he has a lot of merit.