Social anxiety self-help?

[The 585]

I believe I may have suffered from undiagnosed social anxiety my entire life, under the guise of just being "shy". I enjoy being active and doing things but my social anxiety holds me back, even with close family and friends. I find it difficult to follow and contribute to group conversations, and an even more difficult time one-on-one with someone because all the focus is on me. Also, I'm almost always the invitee rather the inviter to participate in social events. I've typically found comfort in long-term relationships where the partner becomes my best friend and person I do almost everything with -- but realize this can be a problematic byproduct of the social anxiety.

I want more than anything to fix this and live to my full potential, because I want to develop and maintain STRONG close relationships with my friends and family, without any anxiety. But I don't want to rely on medication or recommendation from physicians. What's the best way to begin taking charge and address this all on my own? Mindfulness? Podcast series? Anxiety groups? Could it be more than just social anxiety? Thanks in advance!

[Dicey]

I have no answers, but you sound like you could be my Bonus Kid. He's 29 and still lives at home. I'd love to help him spread his wings and fly free. I'll be here, seeing what good advice is offered and cheering you on.

[The 585]

I have no answers, but you sound like you could be my Bonus Kid. He's 29 and still lives at home. I'd love to help him spread his wings and fly free. I'll be here, seeing what good advice is offered and cheering you on.

Thank you! After a divorce and leaving a job where I was working abroad, I too have moved back temporarily with my parents. Which makes it even more difficult to reach out and socialize with others, because I know at some point soon I'll be moving away again.

[Villanelle]

With my social anxiety, I found that the single most helpful thing was just sort of owning it, and being up front about it.  I just flat out say, "I'm so anxious around new people", or similar.  Just that one simple thing makes a world of difference.  It doesn't fix everything but if eels like it lets people know in advance what to expect, and also affords me a lot of grace when I am awkward and nervous and a little weird.  I've gotten more and more open about it over time and that has been more and more helpful to me.  And because I've been very up front with my friends and family about it, they also intervene more, are less likely to put or leave me in social situations that are awkward for me etc.  They are now firmly on my team when navigating anxious social situations, and that also helps tremendously.

I did therapy for a while, and my therapist was awesome.  But much of it was just about imagining the worst case, realizing that was livable, and reminding myself of that when in a jam.  And the other component as just owning that this is kind of who I am, and it isn't wrong or weird or broken.  So it's not shameful when I share it with someone.

[DaMa]

I have depression and anxiety.  I need to not isolate to treat the depression, which is far more scary than the anxiety.  I am with Villanelle -- just be up front about it.  I also find 1-2 hours of socializing is enough.  The longer it lasts, the more uncomfortable I get.  It's easier when there is something to do, like eating or crafting, and not just talking.

I also benefited greatly from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).  And the occasional small dose of Xanax.  Doctors/therapists and medications have their place and don't have to be used forever.

[The 585]

I agree that accepting and owning it can be a good option, but also I realize rather than fixing the problem it cuold maybe further dig myself into that "I'm anxious, there's something wrong with me, etc." rut and I'll continue to struggle initiating social interaction and strengthening connections. And that's not who I want to be, I want to be seen as friendly, outgoing, and approachable.

[Freedomin5]

I have depression and anxiety.  I need to not isolate to treat the depression, which is far more scary than the anxiety.  I am with Villanelle -- just be up front about it.  I also find 1-2 hours of socializing is enough.  The longer it lasts, the more uncomfortable I get.  It's easier when there is something to do, like eating or crafting, and not just talking.

I also benefited greatly from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).  And the occasional small dose of Xanax.  Doctors/therapists and medications have their place and don't have to be used forever.

+1

CBT and an anti-anxiety med that you take on-demand (only take when you need it) is the gold star treatment for social anxiety. And also regular exposure to social situations so you realize that it’s not as bad as your fear says it will be.

[SunnyDays]

CBT and/or meds can make a huge difference.  The latter can get you to a physiological place where the former is more effective.  Don’t discount meds too quickly.  They needn’t be for life, but even if they are, there’s no shame in that.

You need to approach this in a stepwise fashion.  Have you heard of desensitization hierarchies?  They’re used for any kind of phobia, including social anxiety.  You make a list of the types of situations that cause you anxiety and then order them from easiest to hardest.  Say, asking a stranger for directions somewhere to hosting a dinner party.  Make each step gradual, rather than a huge leap, or you might get stuck in an overwhelmingly anxious situation, which you want to avoid.  Each step should be just a little bit harder than the last.  Use cognitive and relaxation strategies prior to and during each step.  Any behavioural psychologist can help you do this if you want.

The goal is not to change your entire personality (shy people are often more sensitive, creative and empathetic than extroverts, and this is a valued characteristic in some countries -Japan).  The goal is just for you to be more comfortable in a wider range of social circumstances than you are currently, and only you can decide when you’ve met that goal.  Someone, somewhere will always judge you to be “too quiet/shy/withdrawn” etc.  That’s not your problem, so don’t take it on.

ETA - everyone has some degree of social anxiety in some situations.  It’s normal because everyone cares about being perceived well, others liking them etc.  Anyone who has zero concerns about this is NOT normal.  There was a study done where some large percentage of respondents (I forget the actual number) said they are less afraid of death than public speaking.

[Villanelle]

I agree that accepting and owning it can be a good option, but also I realize rather than fixing the problem it cuold maybe further dig myself into that "I'm anxious, there's something wrong with me, etc." rut and I'll continue to struggle initiating social interaction and strengthening connections. And that's not who I want to be, I want to be seen as friendly, outgoing, and approachable.

Certainly every person, and every person's social anxiety is different, but it definitely did the opposite for me.  It made it easier (though still not easy) to initiate or participate in interactions. 

It is also not who I'd want to be if I was crafting myself from scratch, but we don't get that option.  It is who I am.  I'm stuck with it, just as I'm stuck with being 5'4" even though I'd love another 3-4".  That'd sort of the point.  Wishing to be different implies that this is a flaw or a brokeness, and it's not.  And working accepting that for myself, helped me accept that point. 

If I say that I'm anxious around new people, it's not interpreted as being not "friendly or approachable".  Actually, I think it makes me more approachable, because people see right away I'm not putting on airs.  That makes me more approachable, not less.  And I think it also shows a certain self-confidence, to be able to admit right away that I'm not good at something, and to not be ashamed or embarassed by that fact.  People generally seem to respect it, and respond quite well to it.  And then if/when I'm stuttery or weird or awkward, they know it likely isn't about them or my opinion of them; it's about me being in a situation where I'm not at my best, because I've told them that.

I used to want to not be socially anxious. To aspire not to me.  "Gosh, this is so easy for so many people.  It shouldn't be hard.  How do I make it not hard?  How do I make myself enjoy new people and want to socialize and not be so uptight and in my head in these situations?  What is wrong with me, and how can I fix and change it?" That's why I went to therapy.  But what I learned is that this is almost as hard-wired as me being 5'4".  I'm not going to significantly change the fact.  But I can make it far more comfortable to be socially anxious, and I can make those around me when I am socially anxious far more understanding and comfortable themselves.  Which, in and of itself, relieves some of the anxiety, almost magically.  It's not the shameful secret struggle anymore when I name it out loud.  For example, maybe I stammer at an intro, or say, "you too!" after they ask me if I'm enjoying the party, or whatever.  And then I say, "Gosh, I'm sorry.  I'm so bad at this.  people-ing is not my super power, for sure!" and everyone is at ease, including, to some extent, me.  And I'm seen as approachable and friendly, and maybe even kind of outgoing, which is exactly how you said you want to be seen.

If think if you focus on who you wish you were, rather than who you are, you actually feed into the cycle of shame and discomfort, and it makes the anxiety worse.  Or at least it did for me.  YMMV.

[Freedomin5]

You need to approach this in a stepwise fashion.  Have you heard of desensitization hierarchies?  They’re used for any kind of phobia, including social anxiety.  You make a list of the types of situations that cause you anxiety and then order them from easiest to hardest.  Say, asking a stranger for directions somewhere to hosting a dinner party.  Make each step gradual, rather than a huge leap, or you might get stuck in an overwhelmingly anxious situation, which you want to avoid.  Each step should be just a little bit harder than the last.  Use cognitive and relaxation strategies prior to and during each step.  Any behavioural psychologist can help you do this if you want.

Yes, this treatment is also known as systematic desensitization, in case you want to research it further.

[SunnyDays]

You need to approach this in a stepwise fashion.  Have you heard of desensitization hierarchies?  They’re used for any kind of phobia, including social anxiety.  You make a list of the types of situations that cause you anxiety and then order them from easiest to hardest.  Say, asking a stranger for directions somewhere to hosting a dinner party.  Make each step gradual, rather than a huge leap, or you might get stuck in an overwhelmingly anxious situation, which you want to avoid.  Each step should be just a little bit harder than the last.  Use cognitive and relaxation strategies prior to and during each step.  Any behavioural psychologist can help you do this if you want.

Yes, this treatment is also known as systematic desensitization, in case you want to research it further.

.

Thank you - that’s right.  6 years retired and I’m forgetting all the terminology.

[Freedomin5]

You need to approach this in a stepwise fashion.  Have you heard of desensitization hierarchies?  They’re used for any kind of phobia, including social anxiety.  You make a list of the types of situations that cause you anxiety and then order them from easiest to hardest.  Say, asking a stranger for directions somewhere to hosting a dinner party.  Make each step gradual, rather than a huge leap, or you might get stuck in an overwhelmingly anxious situation, which you want to avoid.  Each step should be just a little bit harder than the last.  Use cognitive and relaxation strategies prior to and during each step.  Any behavioural psychologist can help you do this if you want.

Yes, this treatment is also known as systematic desensitization, in case you want to research it further.

.

Thank you - that’s right.  6 years retired and I’m forgetting all the terminology.

I look forward to the day when I can also forget all my work-related terminology. :D

[use2betrix]

I have pretty bad social anxiety, although in many circumstances many people would never know. Sometimes my sense of humor/outwardness is a compensation. I’ve found that exercise and a healthy diet helps a lot. Mindfulness meditation also seems to help. Like many others here, I have found Xanax to be a huge help, but try not to use it too much.

My job is where I struggle the most. I also have some learning disorders and a very fast paced, high stress, high level position. I frequently have to speak/present in large groups. Never really gets easy.

Lastly - I’d recommend everyone that has social anxiety to read “Quiet” by Susan Cain. While it’s more about introversion than anxiety, I think for many people there is a link. What really stuck to me is learning that it’s not necessarily my “fault” when social situations completely exhaust me, while others just thrive. Often when seeing family, it’s not uncommon for me for me to just go lay down a room during an event just to reset a bit.

[Glenstache]

I've had depression and anxiety including some difficult social anxiety. Appropriate therapy and meds in tandem did wonders. Self help can be useful, but professional help is money well spent. There are lots of variatiotime. Individual and it takes time.

[Sailor Sam]

I’m a pathetic quivering ball of many anxieties. Like one of them tiny dogs that’s 50% bluff, and 50% tremble. I’ve gotten far better over the years. This is the stuff that worked for me.

Social Scripts: I read Dave Ramsey’s Dale Carnegie’s classic, How To Win Friends & Influence People. I never implemented many of the protocols, but it gave me insight into how other people work. I read a few other networking-ish books, but How To Win Friends was the best.

Getting The Fuck Over Myself: I cogitated on the fact that most people really, truly don’t care about me. This one sounds sad, but it’s pretty freeing.

Embrace Embarrassment: Part of my social anxiety was assuming that opening my mouth would lead to embarrassment. Sometimes it does. The world doesn’t end. Another part of my social anxiety was assuming that starting conversations could lead to awkwardness. Some times it does. Extract yourself, and laugh about how you just stared at another anxious introvert, both dying slowly inside, or how you just had to have a whole conversation about the lizard people conspiracy.

Embracing Boredom:  I dunno if this is actual social anxiety, but I find small talk to be Jesus Fucks level of boring. I just do not give a shit. People could tell. Learning how to fake it, to the level that people can’t tell I’m internally twitching is excellent social lubrication.

Finding my Niche: I respond really well to a certain personality type, and become fast friends with them. Thus far, I’ve found 5 over 41 years. You have to sort through a lot of dross, in order to find 5 people over 4 decades, but it’s worth it.

But overarching thing that has made my life boundlessly, fathomlessly, insanely better was reaching skin shredding, wrist chewing levels of constant anxiety, and then taking the drugs.

It’s true that I have to go procure the drugs 4x/year, and I have remember to take one each day (pill organizer, like a middle aged boss, mthfuka) but LET ME TELL YOU about how nice life is when my brain isn’t my constant fucking enemy. It’s nice.

[Malossi792]

OP could be me for all I know.
Please don't be afraid of doctors and mild meds.
Psychiatry is nothing like you see in movies.
I've been on various kinds of mild meds for about a year. Completely transformed my relationship with getting involved.
Search for my posts if you'd like, see how much I posted in 2020 -no meds- vs 2021. Relationship with family also improved.
But, they won't change your personality. There's no magic cure in a box for all the ways your brain adopted & maladapted through your life.
Still scary to try to make friends etc.
Still 100% would recommend.

[GreenSheep]

I have no idea whether this would work for you, and maybe it's a terrible idea in general, but I've heard of people joining a theater group or taking stand-up comedy classes or something like that in order to manage social anxiety. They say it's freeing to literally pretend to be another person for a while. I don't think they mean that you should take what you've learned and go meet up with your friends and act your way through it, but maybe it can be a way to show yourself... yourself... in a different light?

I do agree with the posters above who said that just owning it can be helpful. People love someone who isn't perfect! Also, looking out for others who might be feeling the way you are and bonding with them could be good. Sometimes the best way to get your mind off your own concerns is to look around for what you can do to help someone else.

[Lunasol]

You are not alone, I have been having anxiety and depression too, I believe we all will get out of this situation and will eventually get better.

If it helps, there's some good advice posted in my thread
https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/ask-a-mustachian/how-do-you-handle-your-mental-health-and-being-a-mustachian/

@Morning Glory posted this link on how to make friends which I found easy to digest. It made me realize that my neighbor had done the exact same thing as the article suggested when she invited me to go for a walk sometime, so I took her up on her offer and we went around the block today with her dog.

Sharing one of my favorite articles about making friends:
https://www.raptitude.com/2021/01/how-to-make-friends-as-an-adult/

[OzzieandHarriet]

I don’t have advice but can so relate to this. At my age (am I going to be saying that all the time now? I’m 64) and after these past two years of socially acceptable isolation, I almost feel I’m getting worse. Though I have noticed that when I am forced to interact with people other than my husband, I often feel more energized (as long as they aren’t too annoying and the interaction is time-limited).

@Sailor Sam I think you meant Dale Carnegie. Unless Dave Ramsey stole his book title.

[Sailor Sam]

@Sailor Sam I think you meant Dale Carnegie. Unless Dave Ramsey stole his book title.

Whoops. I don’t even know where that came from. I ain’t into Dave Ramsey. Thanks!

[frugaldrummer]

And while I know you said no meds, you might consider a low-dose beta blockers. Beta blockers are blood pressure drugs that lower high blood pressure by blunting the adrenaline response. Very small doses are used quite successfully to treat performers with stage fright. They take a small dose an hour before performing - the drug blacks the rapid pulse and sweaty palms, which makes it easier for them to get over their fear.

It can be used similarly in people with social anxiety - you might only need it prior to attending a social event. Ask your doctor about this.