Author Topic: So many thoughts..had to write them down  (Read 2726 times)

COlady

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So many thoughts..had to write them down
« on: April 17, 2018, 10:19:00 PM »
I'm a CPA in public accounting. I work 4 days per week during busy season and 3 days in the off season...I have 2 small children.

On March 5th my dad decided life was too much to handle. He shot himself. Totally unexpected...he was (I thought) the strongest person I knew. I drove 5 hours to where he was and we took him off life support two days later. Worst week of my life to date. I returned home a week later and sat down with the partners at my office. I was overwhelmed with dealing with my feelings about my dad and also the fact that I'm executor of his estate. They asked me how much work I could do...I said this week I can commit to two days. The next day I was pulled into the conference room and told that they hired a temp to take my position through tax season.  I could work the two days a week I committed to but a temp would be working the other days. (I was only talking about the week I returned, not all future weeks but I didn't argue). They assured me that this was though 4/15 to take the pressure off and that it would be business as usual after 4/15. Today I went into the office and they told me they were letting me go. Some bullsh*it about "not needing my services". I was mad but at this point in life after what I've been through in the last month I couldn't even muster up words. They gave me 3 weeks severance and paid out my 50 hours of vacation.  I told them to put 100% of my final check in my 401k for a net $0 check (my way of telling them I didn't need this fuck*ing job anyway...)

Now my ego feels bruised and WTH, do you have a soul? Who fires someone immediately after they go through something like that? No, your business wasn't my top priority when I received the news about my father....

I will be receiving about $1.2M from my father's estate in the next 6 months and we have savings of $800k before the inheritance. We're clearly fine financially...now I just need to figure out what I to do.

Anyway, not sure what I'm looking for here, just frustrated. Harsh reminder that for some people business is business and people don't matter.
« Last Edit: April 17, 2018, 10:24:32 PM by COlady »

ToTheMoon

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Re: So many thoughts..had to write them down
« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2018, 10:24:26 PM »
I do not have any particularly wise words - but I just saw this and wanted to say "I'm sorry."

Sorry there are such insensitive people in this world, sorry you lost your father, and sorry that you have been put in this position.  **hugs**

mxt0133

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Re: So many thoughts..had to write them down
« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2018, 11:37:45 PM »
I'm sorry for your loss.  Yes, for some people the business of business is business and people are just resources.  I hope that  does not taint your opinion of all business owners.

Anette

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Re: So many thoughts..had to write them down
« Reply #3 on: April 18, 2018, 12:18:32 AM »
I am very sorry you had to experience such a horrific way of losing your father.

Seems like you didn't work for/with very nice people, so maybe a way to look at this could be:
They helped you reconsider the options you have and start a new chapter of your life.

Good luck!

Villanelle

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Re: So many thoughts..had to write them down
« Reply #4 on: April 18, 2018, 01:03:25 AM »
I'm so  sorry for your loss and for your father's pain.

Freedomin5

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Re: So many thoughts..had to write them down
« Reply #5 on: April 18, 2018, 03:30:08 AM »
So sorry to hear.

First thing we tell people in grief counseling, donít make any major decisions in the next little while. Take some time to just get through this period. Most of the decisions can wait.

ShoulderThingThatGoesUp

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Re: So many thoughts..had to write them down
« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2018, 04:39:16 AM »
That is awful. I am so sorry.

Donít get pressured in to taking in the alcoholic mom while your defenses are down.

crispy

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Re: So many thoughts..had to write them down
« Reply #7 on: April 18, 2018, 05:00:47 AM »
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Please do see a grief counselor. You have experienced two losses in quick succession and both are hard to make sense of so give yourself some time to heal.

Linea_Norway

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Re: So many thoughts..had to write them down
« Reply #8 on: April 18, 2018, 05:03:21 AM »
I am so sorry to hear about the story of your father. That must have been a shocking and overwhelming event for you.

Yes, your employer is heartless. This is no way to treat someone in a difficult situation. First they seem to be considerate, letting you work a bit less for some time. But it turns out they did it to let the temp learn the job. F*ck them!

Good for you that you have a sh*tload of FU money and will be FI in 6 months.

If I were you, I would either RE, or find some part time job that really feels most meaningful. Maybe you can think of something in you field of accounting? Maybe a small company with direct customer contact might help? Or some public system job?
Please give yourself some time to digest these events.
« Last Edit: April 18, 2018, 05:06:10 AM by Linda_Norway »

UnleashHell

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Re: So many thoughts..had to write them down
« Reply #9 on: April 18, 2018, 05:05:58 AM »
Sorry for your loss. agree with those that suggest counseling. a very small price to pay for help.

as for work. don't let their insensitivity and callousness impact you. Their values are not your values.

hold your head up high, take some time and decide what you want to do with your life. they no longer get to dictate to you and thats a good thing.

slappy

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Re: So many thoughts..had to write them down
« Reply #10 on: April 18, 2018, 05:51:40 AM »
I am so sorry! My husband experienced something similar after the passing of his dad, although his dad passed from cancer. The cancer took him quickly. At the time of his diagnosis, my husband had just entered the police academy and we had a two month old baby.  So I had to help my SIL drive my FIL an hour each way to his cancer treatments while waking every two hours at night and trying to keep the house together while my husband was gone. My husband was on duty the night the 911 call came in for an unresponsive male at his parents address. He showed up with his training officer to find his dad dead on the kitchen floor. It was too much for him to handle, but thankfully he confided in me and took the necessary steps. On my encouragement, he spoke with his superior. They gave him the employee assistance phone number and that was it. He contacted EAP, got in touch with a therapist, but was still having a hard time. He approached his superior again, asking for unpaid time off to deal with things. They denied the unpaid time off request, and told him that he could either keep working and likely get fired or he could quit. (His performance was understandably suffering due to his grief.)  He decided to quit that day. It was so crazy to me because he was in the academy, the department claimed to be so family oriented, and  if I ever needed anything I should call, etc.  Well that obviously wasn't the case. So to answer your question, there are definitely places that will do that.  Like you said, people don't matter I guess.  My workplace was far more supportive of me during the whole thing, and my boss was quite angry to hear of how my husband was being treated.

I agree with PP about seeing a counselor. It really helped my husband.

marty998

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Re: So many thoughts..had to write them down
« Reply #11 on: April 18, 2018, 05:52:34 AM »
Really disappointing behaviour from the heads of the business, and in the long term they will see their business performance suffer due to these practices.

I am not sure of the legalities of what they have done in your part of the world, but yeah - it's a dog act.

I'm sure this isn't the way you want to go, but you've now been given the time off. Take the time to get your father's estate sorted, take a little more time to figure out the next stage of your life and look forward to that.

asauer

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Re: So many thoughts..had to write them down
« Reply #12 on: April 18, 2018, 05:59:45 AM »
I'm so sorry you are having to go through that but so glad that you don't need to be very worried about paying bills while you're working through it.

I am in learning and development now but spent many years in Human Resources.  Unfortunately, I've seen similar scenarios play out over and over.  While I have nearly always been the advocate for the employee (not all HR people are monsters), I still had to follow the company's wishes in the end.  I'd like to think that not all businesses are like this.  I just haven't met any of the good ones yet apparently.  So, just remember this has everything to do with them and their ethics and has nothing to do with you and your value. 

honeybbq

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Re: So many thoughts..had to write them down
« Reply #13 on: April 18, 2018, 09:56:00 AM »
I'm so sorry.

I know hindsight is 20/20, but could you have taken FMLA so your job would have been protected? Talk about screwing someone trying to do the right thing.


Lady SA

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Re: So many thoughts..had to write them down
« Reply #14 on: April 18, 2018, 10:48:39 AM »
I just wanted to post to commiserate. It sounds like you mostly need just a listening, sympathetic ear. So yeah -- THOSE JERKS!! I can't believe how heartless and callous they were. Talk about piling on and making a horrible situation, somehow even more horrible. There are really no redeeming words for such asshats, and I hope if you do decide to re-enter the workforce even after FI, you can find a genuine, supportive workplace. Because you deserve that.

I'm really, really sorry about your dad. My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

Please do look up a counselor or therapist in your area to talk to. I have one and she is invaluable. They can help give you an additional support "pillar" when you most need it, and experiencing these two losses so close together would be overwhelming for most/all humans. There is no shame in asking for help. There are a lot of mixed up, complex emotions going on with a sudden, shocking death, and especially under those circumstances. And the loss of your job/identity on top of it can really yank the rug out from under you. Don't feel like you have to deal with all of this alone. This is exactly what really smart, caring people have studied and practiced for years and years in order to handle. They are professionals for a reason, and in my opinion, worth every penny. Your mental health and happiness is worth it.
Side note, it is normal to go through a few therapists before you find a good fit. Don't write off the idea completely if it isn't great on the first try. It's all about finding someone who you "jive" with and can see building trust and camaraderie with that person. Some people just simply don't fit, and that's ok. Just try again.

Good luck.

tarheeldan

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Re: So many thoughts..had to write them down
« Reply #15 on: April 18, 2018, 11:08:38 AM »
I'm so sorry

diapasoun

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Re: So many thoughts..had to write them down
« Reply #16 on: April 18, 2018, 11:26:01 AM »
OP, I'm so sorry. What a terrible shock and loss for you and your family, and a terrible pain that your father must have carried.

Joining in on the chorus -- take the time you need to grieve. Don't feel like you have to rush into big decisions about anything right now. I would also, like others, suggest talking to a counselor, or a priest, with experience in helping those left behind by suicide.

And your work is complete jerks. As much as the loss of a job isn't usually pleasant by any means, I'm glad that you're no longer working with people who, frankly, sound like complete and total asshats not worthy of your labor.

Kierun

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Re: So many thoughts..had to write them down
« Reply #17 on: April 18, 2018, 11:34:17 AM »
Sincere condolences to you and your family

SunnyDays

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Re: So many thoughts..had to write them down
« Reply #18 on: April 18, 2018, 11:38:39 AM »
My heartfelt condolences to you and your family.  What a terrible situation.  I'm sure you will have more important things to do right now, but if you wanted, could you sue for wrongful dismissal?

Frugal Lizard

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Re: So many thoughts..had to write them down
« Reply #19 on: April 18, 2018, 11:41:38 AM »
I am so sorry this has happened to you and your family.  Keep strong.

COlady

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Re: So many thoughts..had to write them down
« Reply #20 on: April 18, 2018, 12:52:27 PM »
Thank you all for your thoughts. I am seeing a therapist and I'm actually doing really well mentally.  My husband's company has an EAP so the first 5 sessions are free...I will be fine paying for future sessions out of pocket.

Regarding my mom...my parents divorced 15 years ago and she is remarried. While I think she still has substance abuse problems it doesn't affect our family all that much since we live 4 hours away. When she comes to visit I ask that she get a hotel.

I realize my post sounded like a pity party and maybe that's what I wanted last night, so thanks for letting me bi*tch. The rest of the story is, I knew I didn't want to stay at the firm so I was looking for other jobs and was planning to quit when I found something else anyway. So they beat me to it really. The managing partner made it clear that he has no intention of teaching anything to anyone...even to the just out of school grad they hired while I was with the firm.  I taught her as much as I could but my growth was stunted because no one wanted to teach me a thing so I taught myself as much as I could while I was there.  Another one - The managing partner changed something I did on a return and didn't talk to me about the change.  I looked at it and saw the change was definitely wrong and not in the client's favor. I brought it up with him and he wasn't even willing to have a discussion about it....he came unleashed and started yelling at me. Another example is when I suggested to a client that he roll his SEP into an i401k and start contributing to the i401k since he could contribute significantly more money per year.  Again, managing partner came unleashed on me....that I would give HIS client tax planning advice. He couldn't even explain to me why he wouldn't provide the same advice... So clearly he wanted someone that wasn't going to question anything...

He had already shown me his true colors in the past so I wasn't surprised by this move and I'm glad I can go do something else....

OtherJen

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Re: So many thoughts..had to write them down
« Reply #21 on: April 18, 2018, 12:55:40 PM »
I'm so sorry about your dad.

I know that you didn't intend to leave your job this way, but it sounds like getting out of there is going to be a positive thing overall. I wish you the best of luck.

WalkaboutStache

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Re: So many thoughts..had to write them down
« Reply #22 on: April 18, 2018, 08:24:48 PM »
Honestly, I think being let go was a blessing in disguise.  Other than the part time schedule, everything you wrote about this firm makes it sound like a truly shitty place to work.  You already have all the grief and family stuff to deal with, you do not need these toxic imbeciles in your life.  Maybe you will want a new job, maybe you will decide to RE, but the upside is that you were able to write off what sounds like a bad environment through and through.

I am really sorry to hear about your father.

lhamo

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Re: So many thoughts..had to write them down
« Reply #23 on: April 18, 2018, 08:50:08 PM »
I am so sorry about your dad.

While it is often traumatic to leave a dysfunctional workplace (Stockholm syndrome, in many cases), most people I know who have done so end up much better off mentally and practically on the other side.  I did so twice, the second time into FIRE.   You are fortunate to have ample financial resources.  I recommend spending the next 6-12 months focusing on wrapping up the estate and spending time with your immediate family.  Work can wait.  Give yourself time to figure out what you really want in your next position (or if you want to go back to work at all -- sounds like it is pretty optional at this point, at least while your kids are little).

finallyfrugal

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Re: So many thoughts..had to write them down
« Reply #24 on: April 20, 2018, 10:58:40 PM »
I just wanted to offer my condolences and send you a little hug over the Internet.

That was a dick move by your employers.

 I hope you can take this time for yourself and in time see it as a blessing.