Author Topic: Single guy feeling disheartened in a small town. Need advice.  (Read 11988 times)

Cowardly Toaster

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Re: Single guy feeling disheartened in a small town. Need advice.
« Reply #50 on: July 07, 2017, 05:19:16 PM »
Ok, my 2 cents and I'm going to be blunt and, um, indiscreet:
-- don't move yet, give it 3 more years so you can save tons
-- focus on friends, not dating. Anything you can do with a date, you can't do with friends, except sex
--keep masturbating, you've been doing it this long, it does the trick and you get it right each time
-- keep traveling, meet the hot sexy people you want to on your trips, maybe you'll strike gold and someone will move to you?
--keep yourself focused on hobbies and things that will make you interesting: learn languages, learn to cook like a chef, learn to build or fix things, take massage lessons
-- get your company to send you to conferences, trade shows and pay for more education-maybe an MBA or something that will make you more employable when you do move
-- be careful of the grass is greener thinking. Work on yourself, the right person will be attracted to you when the time is right. Right now, build your nest eggs, you're still young. You're really not messing out on anything you can't give yourself.

Again, just some thoughts, apologies in advance for any offense ;-)

Best of luck

LOL keep wanking it!

Seriously though, you can always travel to get sex, and I'm not talking about prostitutes.

Khaetra

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Re: Single guy feeling disheartened in a small town. Need advice.
« Reply #51 on: July 07, 2017, 05:59:47 PM »
Ok, my 2 cents and I'm going to be blunt and, um, indiscreet:
-- don't move yet, give it 3 more years so you can save tons
-- focus on friends, not dating. Anything you can do with a date, you can't do with friends, except sex
--keep masturbating, you've been doing it this long, it does the trick and you get it right each time
-- keep traveling, meet the hot sexy people you want to on your trips, maybe you'll strike gold and someone will move to you?
--keep yourself focused on hobbies and things that will make you interesting: learn languages, learn to cook like a chef, learn to build or fix things, take massage lessons
-- get your company to send you to conferences, trade shows and pay for more education-maybe an MBA or something that will make you more employable when you do move
-- be careful of the grass is greener thinking. Work on yourself, the right person will be attracted to you when the time is right. Right now, build your nest eggs, you're still young. You're really not messing out on anything you can't give yourself.

Again, just some thoughts, apologies in advance for any offense ;-)

Best of luck

LOL!  'Self Love' is cheaper too ;).  But the advice to do things to make yourself more interesting (or what I call building a better you) is spot on.  Plus, learning how to make/fix things, cooking, etc. are mustachian.

MustachiansWitness

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Re: Single guy feeling disheartened in a small town. Need advice.
« Reply #52 on: July 07, 2017, 06:30:31 PM »
Ok, my 2 cents and I'm going to be blunt and, um, indiscreet:
-- don't move yet, give it 3 more years so you can save tons
-- focus on friends, not dating. Anything you can do with a date, you can't do with friends, except sex
--keep masturbating, you've been doing it this long, it does the trick and you get it right each time
-- keep traveling, meet the hot sexy people you want to on your trips, maybe you'll strike gold and someone will move to you?
--keep yourself focused on hobbies and things that will make you interesting: learn languages, learn to cook like a chef, learn to build or fix things, take massage lessons
-- get your company to send you to conferences, trade shows and pay for more education-maybe an MBA or something that will make you more employable when you do move
-- be careful of the grass is greener thinking. Work on yourself, the right person will be attracted to you when the time is right. Right now, build your nest eggs, you're still young. You're really not messing out on anything you can't give yourself.

Again, just some thoughts, apologies in advance for any offense ;-)

Best of luck

Lol, no offense taken! I think most Mustachians are open minded enough to appreciate such advice. Glad to hear an opinion on the opposite side, it seems like the overwhelming advice was to move.
-As far as saving tons, yeah there's a side of me that thinks I'd be an idiot to throw away such a perfect opportunity to build the 'Mustachian dream' here just to move, especially if it turns out moving wasn't as great as I thought it would be.
-As far as friends, I have some here but not many. As I mentioned before there's not many like minded people, or even open minded people here at all. Lack of dating prospects is not the only thing I dislike here.
-I get what you're saying on the masturbating. However I disagree that "anything you can do with a date, you can do with friends except sex". Friends simply do not have the same emotional connection that I'd like in a romantic partner, but it's hard to put into words. And it's not like I've been completely celibate the entire time I've been here either.
-I plan on continuing travel. I went to Amsterdam last month and had an amazing time. I plan on backpacking all through Europe next year.
-Could definitely pick up more hobbies. Right now I'm mainly into road biking and disc golf for leisure, and I also spend a good deal of time on Mustachian activities that save money such as cutting my own hair, making my own cleaning products, mowing my lawn with a reel mower, doing my own bicycle maintenance, etc. I think I can hold my own at cooking. I lift weights once a week but could probably pick up on that. I'm not that interesting but much moreso than the majority of people here I think.
-I don't think I can get much from them in terms of education, but I've been to a few conferences in nearby cities.
-I worry I may have grass is greener thinking, I'm just super lonely here.

MustachiansWitness

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Re: Single guy feeling disheartened in a small town. Need advice.
« Reply #53 on: July 07, 2017, 06:35:37 PM »
LOL keep wanking it!

Seriously though, you can always travel to get sex, and I'm not talking about prostitutes.

Lol, I went to Amsterdam and I actually did have sex with a prostitute. Maybe next time I travel I'll be more Mustachian and get it for free. However, sex is not what I'm after when I consider relocating. It's more getting rid of the constant loneliness I feel.

blue

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Re: Single guy feeling disheartened in a small town. Need advice.
« Reply #54 on: July 07, 2017, 07:27:57 PM »
How old are you? I'm 43. Also single. Also lonely. And I can relate to a lot of what you say. I have lived here for 12 years. I used to like it a lot, and there are a lot of like-minded people around, more so than what you're finding in Oklahoma, for sure. But it's a very very small population, and dating sucks. It's just a numbers game at some point, and the numbers are terrible here. I got to where this winter I felt like I couldn't even see anything good here anymore - and I live in a pretty amazing place. But the negatives just kept weighing on me and I felt so alone.

And similarly, I don't want to have FWBs or one-night-stands - if I did, I'd be set. I want a partner and real emotional connection. And worse, I'm incredibly picky this time around and not going to settle for someone just because I'd rather not be alone, even as lonely as I often feel.

I like some of the suggestions. But you know, even though I am not at home here, it was worse for me in the South. I never met anyone like me, and I was terribly lonely. Then I moved and that did ease quite a bit for a while - it's just that those friendships shifted and evolved and now I really don't have anyone I'm close with. Anyway, my point is - moving can in fact sometimes help.

But then here I am again...so I regularly talk myself out of moving being the answer.

blue

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Re: Single guy feeling disheartened in a small town. Need advice.
« Reply #55 on: July 07, 2017, 08:21:25 PM »
TL;DR Some places just suck. But you can be unhappy anywhere, too. Move and try to be happy. Really get a feel for where you're moving to and make sure it's going to meet those needs, though. Lots of places have big compromises. I have been looking at various places to relocate and keep finding this. Most compromises I've found are not ones I'm willing to make compared to where I am now.

chasesfish

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Re: Single guy feeling disheartened in a small town. Need advice.
« Reply #56 on: July 08, 2017, 06:05:03 AM »
Its been great to follow the thread

Good luck in exploring the move and getting your resume together.  I think you'll be surprised to see what your value is in the market.  Its worth living in a place with a lot of other highly motivated people and you'll see all different spending habits.

Plina

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Re: Single guy feeling disheartened in a small town. Need advice.
« Reply #57 on: July 08, 2017, 07:49:38 AM »


It seems like the overwhelming advice is to move. As far as getting a new job goes, one thing I fear is my lack of experience may make it difficult. My current employer was the first place out of college I've worked and I am about to start my 4th job at the company since starting 3 years ago. It seems like if I search for jobs online in Dallas for example that I'd be interested in, all of the jobs with pay anywhere close to what I'm getting now want someone with 5+ years experience in a specific area of IT. The few jobs that don't have a strong experience requirement have lousy pay. Admittedly I've only really looked a handful of times but I've found this to be the case every time. Should I just ignore these requirements and apply anyways?

Most of the ads are a wishlist. If you have only four years of experience and they want five I would still apply for it. If you have changed jobs at your current employer use it for your advantage.

Related to the house I would also factor in the hassel of having it rented out. Sometimes the easiest way is to take the loss and just sell it. If you don't like the town do you constantly like to be reminded of it?

fuzzy math

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Re: Single guy feeling disheartened in a small town. Need advice.
« Reply #58 on: July 08, 2017, 08:33:12 AM »
A non religious person in small town OK? No wonder you're unhappy.

I have moved a few times in my life (actually about 10) and I will not consider an area that's too small, too conservative, or too religious. It just limits my options for finding community too much. Those people who say you're being unreasonable or need an attitude change obviously don't share your same needs.

Www.city-data.com is great for finding statistics on any place you consider and there are forums where people can ask questions too. Lots of locals willing to tell you if a place sucks. There's probably a few threads on whatever town you're in now.

I agree with the previous poster who said that the 5 years exp is not written in stone. You are close enough. Good luck!

Civex

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Re: Single guy feeling disheartened in a small town. Need advice.
« Reply #59 on: July 08, 2017, 08:58:33 PM »
I wouldn't give up so easily. I met my wonderful wife in Williston North Dakota at the height of the Bakken oil boom. I never expected that in a million years.

Have you tried match.com? It's worth a try.

You got to be kidding me. I did over two years up there before getting transferred, I remember it as a time in my life to focus on my work with very few distractions from the opposite sex.

There is a beautiful woman behind every tree in western NoDak.

From western ND; literally laughed out loud at this and had to show my fiancÚ (who's not from ND.) It is so very true.

moosestache

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Re: Single guy feeling disheartened in a small town. Need advice.
« Reply #60 on: July 08, 2017, 10:43:30 PM »
I think I might know the town and some of the extenuating circumstances that are playing into your decision, sent you a PM

Bicycle_B

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Re: Single guy feeling disheartened in a small town. Need advice.
« Reply #61 on: July 08, 2017, 11:36:54 PM »
To me it sounds like you should be testing multiple paths forward.  You can apply for jobs before you move, contact people from LinkedIn to see whether non-oil IT is a legitimate transfer (otherwise you'll spend half your career in desolate locations), etc.   

On the loneliness front, I suggest doing the 40 mile drive to go on dates; test the heck out of that city before you leave.  IMHO it's not Mustachian to basically claim "I have no way to cure my loneliness here" when you have a workable option sitting in your driveway.  40 min is not 3 hours, it's doable.  Suppose 25 cents/mi marginal cost of driving is $20/date, 50 dates/year = $1000 driving cost.  That's peanuts compared to the huge savings you are getting from the combo of good job and LCOL.  Once you find someone you like, maybe you'll do the ride on an ebike and maybe you won't, but don't ignore a pool of dateable singles that you can in fact access.

Fwiw, as an outsider reading your posts, half the issue is that you have high specific desires and little experience in filling them (I'm old, forgive my forward remarks and rude phrasing).  I urge you to take many attempts including "imperfect" ones.  The experience will be valuable and help you achieve your goals.  In other words, you don't need the first step to be perfect, you just need to take the first step.  Several steps later it'll either come to the "right" point, or your ability to accept something good but different from your initial concept will have developed and you'll find you've become a happy badass.

gerardc

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Re: Single guy feeling disheartened in a small town. Need advice.
« Reply #62 on: July 09, 2017, 08:15:06 PM »
I'd definitely be willing to give thought to other locations. I think the only thing is I don't want to go somewhere with an extremely high cost of living. Dallas just seems like a good fit because of existing friends (more than one actually), lots of young people, good cycling community, and not extremely far away from where I'm living now which may be important if I'm unable to sell my house right away.

Dude, HCOL areas are the best deal ever for single Mustachians/savers. Think about it, would you rather earn 100k net and spend 20k, or earn 200k and spend 40k in your saving years? (yes, the approximation that salaries ~proportional to COL is pretty good. This means savings go up with COL)

Just move to NYC, LA or SF and you'll have tons of fun and be retired within 5-10 years.


Hikergirl

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Re: Single guy feeling disheartened in a small town. Need advice.
« Reply #63 on: July 09, 2017, 09:30:50 PM »
Fellow Okie here. 

I am single and live/work in Tulsa.  I also work for a Fortune 500 company and I can tell you that not only my company but several others in town are constantly on the lookout for qualified IT people.  I have no doubt that you could move to OKC or Tulsa and have no problems finding an IT job.  Feel free to PM me if you have specific questions.

As for being single in OK - it can be difficult.   I'm older than you but as others have suggested, go to the bigger cities once or twice a month.  If dating is important to you, that is something to loosen the purse strings for.  I've lived here my entire life.  Not everyone is fat, not everyone is religious and there are plenty of us mustachians around.  Have you considered some of the singles specific travel companies?  Sounds like that might be something that would be great for you.

gerardc

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Re: Single guy feeling disheartened in a small town. Need advice.
« Reply #64 on: July 09, 2017, 09:39:50 PM »
I think you should move OP unless you love where you live (doesn't sound like it). To me my physical environment and ability to live somewhere I can do the things I like is really important to my happiness. That includes being around people who share similar lifestyles - for friendships as well as dating.

So besides looking for a partner what other things are missing where you live that you'd want to have in your life? If you could pick your dream spot what would that look like? If you met someone in your current town would you be fine living there forever if she wanted to stay for her career or family and friends? Or would you be unhappy there even if you met the prefect person? So I think looking for an area of the country you'd really like to live in (single or coupled) and finding a job there might be best. If its somewhere you love, has activities you like, and a social culture you like you'll probably women you'd like. Friends too. If you make less money or it's in a HCOL area that might be the trade off to living somewhere you love that has more dating options.

Great points. I immediately thought of Miami, but unfortunately as a software developer I'd take a 75% pay cut to move there :( Most engineers grativate towards nerdy activities (board games?), and Florida is just not attractive to them. I like math and computer science, but I stick out like a sore thumb in those circles. It sucks that combining the two is rare, which is why you should usually get in the same career path as people you get along with.

aspiringnomad

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Re: Single guy feeling disheartened in a small town. Need advice.
« Reply #65 on: July 09, 2017, 10:55:10 PM »
I'd definitely be willing to give thought to other locations. I think the only thing is I don't want to go somewhere with an extremely high cost of living. Dallas just seems like a good fit because of existing friends (more than one actually), lots of young people, good cycling community, and not extremely far away from where I'm living now which may be important if I'm unable to sell my house right away.

Dude, HCOL areas are the best deal ever for single Mustachians/savers. Think about it, would you rather earn 100k net and spend 20k, or earn 200k and spend 40k in your saving years? (yes, the approximation that salaries ~proportional to COL is pretty good. This means savings go up with COL)

Just move to NYC, LA or SF and you'll have tons of fun and be retired within 5-10 years.

I agree with this. Move to a city ASAP, be around more attractive, more intelligent, and less religious people. Be sneaky frugal and you'll probably accelerate your FIRE timeline thanks to the higher salary that comes with a HCOL.

I'm generally a very happy, optimistic person, but would be absolutely miserable living in the town you described even though I'm no longer single.

slugsworth

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Re: Single guy feeling disheartened in a small town. Need advice.
« Reply #66 on: July 09, 2017, 11:38:28 PM »
There would be a lot more options if I was willing to date in the nearest city 40 miles away like some people do, but that just seems anti-mustachian to me and I really do hate driving.

I think you need to try to reframe trips to this nearby city. Yes, it is a shitty commute - but the cost is really minimal and it sounds like it would greatly improved your life to spend time there, go on some dates, and generally get out of your depressing bubble. Money well spent!!!

You might find someone in that town who makes staying in the area worth it!