Alright, alright! I figured the answer was to stay out, but if there was any chance of being able to offer some advice without being completely out of line, this community would know how. Thank you for the input.
I think SIL, my husband, and I are doing dinner next week. I shall be supportive of her situation (of which, I will admit I do not know all the details) and if the topic happens to come up, share some of the success we have been having in the last year. Our choices haven't always been easy but the results have been worth it and I hope she can see us as an example to follow.
Let me assure you all, I would never offer them money. I know that only complicates relationships and just enables their in denial lifestyle. We would offer to take the kids in or let her rent out our downstairs apt before a cash handout.
It's really tough to force help upon an adult... especially when it's not your child who you would have some sort of influence over.
At this point, her life is a mess and I doubt she's ready to make rational decisions while everything is changing for her.
Given you have noticed how poor some of their/her decisions have been, it's best to offer
indirect advice and support. For instance, leading by example, bring up topics indirectly, etc. In consulting, we call this "making the client think they came up with the idea."
You can do this in a variety of ways, so I'll give a few thoughts:
- "Hey, I heard on the news that 60% of US households live paycheck to paycheck, and couldn't come up with an unexpected expense of $5k, do you find that surprising?"
- "Hey sis, I've been using this website/software to track our budget for the past 6 months, and WOW it's so fascinating. I'm embarrassed at how much I found out I spend on Starbucks in just a few months! I think coffe is way overpriced. Do you know of any good coffee makers that could help us lower our spend while using better coffee?"
Of course, tailor it to a topic you want to get her to think about, but you get the idea.
For some people who make poor financial decisions, the biggest problem (in my opinion) is that they really just don't ever put pencil to paper to really know the details of the challenges facing them. They would rather live in ignorance or pretend it's not a problem than to deal with it. The challenge as sister/friend is to get her to start facing these challenges and thinking about them, but to do it without telling her she's an idiot directly and having her put up her defenses and get even further away from the problems.
In any case, just a few thoughts. Sorry she and you/husband are having to deal with it.
Good luck.