Should we have another child, in hopes of having a boy??

[charis]

There is an obvious difference between keeping your own name (however you got it) and taking your husband's name when you get married.  I'm not sure why people struggle with this concept.

[Cressida]

I never understood this as well, when it's done for 'anti-patriarchy' reasons, because now the woman is named after two men instead of just one if you hyphenate.

jesus, did you *read* the thread you're commenting on?

[daymare]

I don't believe many women would argue not changing their names was intended to be an FU to patriarchy.   

Actually, that's exactly why I didn't change mine.

Also one of the reasons I didn't change mine.

+1.

That is definitely why I didn't change mine.  Mostly, because equality is the #1 most important thing to me in my relationship.  And I feel very strongly that it's unfeminist to change your last name to your husband's when he's unwilling to consider doing the same.  So I am very much making a statement.  And simultaneously pissed at how the world is, that keeping my own fucking name is making a statement - nobody thinks my husband made any kind of statement at all my keeping his name.

... Aand back to the original topic, I'm on the side of don't do it just to try to have a boy.  But I'll also admit that I know nothing (of raising children).

[Kitsune]

I don't believe many women would argue not changing their names was intended to be an FU to patriarchy.   

Actually, that's exactly why I didn't change mine.

Also one of the reasons I didn't change mine.

+1.

That is definitely why I didn't change mine.  Mostly, because equality is the #1 most important thing to me in my relationship.  And I feel very strongly that it's unfeminist to change your last name to your husband's when he's unwilling to consider doing the same.  So I am very much making a statement.  And simultaneously pissed at how the world is, that keeping my own fucking name is making a statement - nobody thinks my husband made any kind of statement at all my keeping his name.

... Aand back to the original topic, I'm on the side of don't do it just to try to have a boy.  But I'll also admit that I know nothing (of raising children).

That. The number of American colleagues who assumed I'd just change my name was mind blowing... Not like they were assuming my husband might change his!

And then the reactions when I told them it wasn't legal to change names upon marriage here.... Oooooh boy.

[starbuck]

That is definitely why I didn't change mine.  Mostly, because equality is the #1 most important thing to me in my relationship.  And I feel very strongly that it's unfeminist to change your last name to your husband's when he's unwilling to consider doing the same.  So I am very much making a statement.  And simultaneously pissed at how the world is, that keeping my own fucking name is making a statement - nobody thinks my husband made any kind of statement at all my keeping his name.

Agree 100%

[GuitarStv]

That. The number of American colleagues who assumed I'd just change my name was mind blowing... Not like they were assuming my husband might change his!

And then the reactions when I told them it wasn't legal to change names upon marriage here.... Oooooh boy.

Huh.  It's hard for me to imagine this really being an issue.

When my wife and I got married, I figured that she would change her name . . . I guess because it's the traditional thing.  She told me that she didn't want to change her name because it would be a big hassle . . . all her bank accounts, bill payment stuff, her work stuff is set up with her current name.  So I was like "Yeah, makes sense." and that was the end of it.  One of my Grandmothers regularly addresses Christmas cards to us to Mr. and Mrs. GuitarStv . . . but other than that I don't think anyone's ever made a comment about it.

Actually, thinking about it . . . of all my married friends I think that only one woman changed her name to match her husband, so maybe separate last names is the new normal?  Keeping your name or taking someone else's name isn't really making any sort of statement to me.

[shelivesthedream]

One of my Grandmothers regularly addresses Christmas cards to us to Mr. and Mrs. GuitarStv . . . but other than that I don't think anyone's ever made a comment about it.

My grandmother writes letters to me addressed to Mrs Hisfirstname Hislastname. It drives me fucking NUTS. She's finally starting to downgrade to Mrs Myfirstname Hislastname which is fine, but occasionally I get the former style again.

[GuitarStv]

One of my Grandmothers regularly addresses Christmas cards to us to Mr. and Mrs. GuitarStv . . . but other than that I don't think anyone's ever made a comment about it.

My grandmother writes letters to me addressed to Mrs Hisfirstname Hislastname. It drives me fucking NUTS. She's finally starting to downgrade to Mrs Myfirstname Hislastname which is fine, but occasionally I get the former style again.

Yeah, that's the style of addressing that my grandma does as well.  It's a little weird.  Then again, she's a cranky old lady . . . and we just got her to stop sending out cards with "French language laws are an AFFIRMATIVE ACTION that hurts English speaking Canada" printed on them.  So, y'know.  Small steps.  :P

[MrsDinero]

One of my Grandmothers regularly addresses Christmas cards to us to Mr. and Mrs. GuitarStv . . . but other than that I don't think anyone's ever made a comment about it.

My grandmother writes letters to me addressed to Mrs Hisfirstname Hislastname. It drives me fucking NUTS. She's finally starting to downgrade to Mrs Myfirstname Hislastname which is fine, but occasionally I get the former style again.

I've only been married a few days and already I'm getting a lot of this.  I hate it!  Most of it is from his family too! I do plan on adopting his name as mine (after much thought and discussion), however I don't plan to giving up my old name because I have built a solid 20 year career and while I'm in a small IT niche, I'm known.  I haven't yet decided if I will hyphenate or drop my middle name in favor of my old last name.  I'm just not looking forward to all the paperwork.

[Inaya]

That is definitely why I didn't change mine.  Mostly, because equality is the #1 most important thing to me in my relationship.  And I feel very strongly that it's unfeminist to change your last name to your husband's when he's unwilling to consider doing the same.  So I am very much making a statement.  And simultaneously pissed at how the world is, that keeping my own fucking name is making a statement - nobody thinks my husband made any kind of statement at all my keeping his name.

... Aand back to the original topic, I'm on the side of don't do it just to try to have a boy.  But I'll also admit that I know nothing (of raising children).

People assumed we were making a statement because my husband took my name. We weren't--he hated his name (he eventually went on to change his first name and drop both middle names) and my career is in my name. But if people want to think it's a statement, that's fine with me.

[Kitsune]

One of my Grandmothers regularly addresses Christmas cards to us to Mr. and Mrs. GuitarStv . . . but other than that I don't think anyone's ever made a comment about it.

My grandmother writes letters to me addressed to Mrs Hisfirstname Hislastname. It drives me fucking NUTS. She's finally starting to downgrade to Mrs Myfirstname Hislastname which is fine, but occasionally I get the former style again.

Yeah, that's the style of addressing that my grandma does as well.  It's a little weird.  Then again, she's a cranky old lady . . . and we just got her to stop sending out cards with "French language laws are an AFFIRMATIVE ACTION that hurts English speaking Canada" printed on them.  So, y'know.  Small steps.  :P

As a French Quebecer, I have Opinions about French language laws (namely, that it would be a hell of a lot more convenient to send my daughter to French elementary school, but then her kids wouldn't necessarily have the right to go to English school, so we'll probably do the more inconvenient thing because FU to closing educational doors, but ARGH). That said, they ARE affirmative action, and they're about 40% needed and 60% ridiculousness enforced by closed-minded assholes, IMO. Shame we can't just get the 40% that actually protects Quebecois culture while removing the assholes, though.

My grandmother had 2 friends who had married doctors, and who insisted on calling themselves 'Mrs Dr John Smith'. It made me cringe EVERY TIME. It was generational. (And god, I can just imagine their reactions when Quebec mandated that all official paperwork needed to be in your birthname... suddnely they legally ceased being Mrs Dr John Smith and became Ms Jane Doe, married to Dr John Smith. CRISIS.)

[GuitarStv]

One of my Grandmothers regularly addresses Christmas cards to us to Mr. and Mrs. GuitarStv . . . but other than that I don't think anyone's ever made a comment about it.

My grandmother writes letters to me addressed to Mrs Hisfirstname Hislastname. It drives me fucking NUTS. She's finally starting to downgrade to Mrs Myfirstname Hislastname which is fine, but occasionally I get the former style again.

Yeah, that's the style of addressing that my grandma does as well.  It's a little weird.  Then again, she's a cranky old lady . . . and we just got her to stop sending out cards with "French language laws are an AFFIRMATIVE ACTION that hurts English speaking Canada" printed on them.  So, y'know.  Small steps.  :P

As a French Quebecer, I have Opinions about French language laws (namely, that it would be a hell of a lot more convenient to send my daughter to French elementary school, but then her kids wouldn't necessarily have the right to go to English school, so we'll probably do the more inconvenient thing because FU to closing educational doors, but ARGH). That said, they ARE affirmative action, and they're about 40% needed and 60% ridiculousness enforced by closed-minded assholes, IMO. Shame we can't just get the 40% that actually protects Quebecois culture while removing the assholes, though.

Yeah, I pretty much agree with what you wrote up above.  My grandma just doesn't like French people very much though.  My understanding is that this goes back to some sort of farm related feudin' ages ago when she was living in Ottawa.

[Captain FIRE]

That. The number of American colleagues who assumed I'd just change my name was mind blowing... Not like they were assuming my husband might change his!

And then the reactions when I told them it wasn't legal to change names upon marriage here.... Oooooh boy.

Huh.  It's hard for me to imagine this really being an issue.

When my wife and I got married, I figured that she would change her name . . . I guess because it's the traditional thing.  She told me that she didn't want to change her name because it would be a big hassle . . . all her bank accounts, bill payment stuff, her work stuff is set up with her current name.  So I was like "Yeah, makes sense." and that was the end of it.  One of my Grandmothers regularly addresses Christmas cards to us to Mr. and Mrs. GuitarStv . . . but other than that I don't think anyone's ever made a comment about it.

Actually, thinking about it . . . of all my married friends I think that only one woman changed her name to match her husband, so maybe separate last names is the new normal?  Keeping your name or taking someone else's name isn't really making any sort of statement to me.

Here's how it went for us (x100 conversations), for those who didn't already assume I was changing:
To me: "Are you changing your name?"
Me: "No"
To him: "And how do you feel about that?"

I found that pretty offensive - that there's implication I need my husband's blessing to keep my own frickin' name, but he's not even asked whether he's changing his name.  If the follow-up had been a query on my reasons why I wouldn't have found it nearly so upsetting.  If I hadn't wanted to keep my name in the first place, I think those conversations would have persuaded into changing it.

Couldn't get my grandmother to get my name right so I gave up on it.  Now it's address to Mrs. <his first name> <his last name> which while irritating, I concede is technically correct form of address (that I wished never existed as it subsumes my identity).

In my circle of friends with professional degrees & careers before marriage, publications in names, etc., (excluding those who are particularly religious) it's less common to change last names than it is in my high school circle of friends, who got married just after college and generally didn't get additional degrees.

[Cressida]

Actually, thinking about it . . . of all my married friends I think that only one woman changed her name to match her husband, so maybe separate last names is the new normal?  Keeping your name or taking someone else's name isn't really making any sort of statement to me.

Nope.

https://www.google.com/insights/consumersurveys/view?survey=bvvk5e7rjcvmi&question=4&filter=&rw=1

It's an internet poll, but I doubt it's wildly off.

Not sure why so many people are intent on claiming that women keeping their names is not unusual. It is.

[bb11]

Not a parent but I don't think you should have a child. Your reasons are not very good.

1. Why have a child when there's a 50/50 chance you won't be happy with the outcome?

2. Re: the catch thing. Idk I don't get it. My dad was not great either, but why does that make you specifically want to be there for a boy? I don't see why it should matter which gender you are a great father for.

3. Re: the family name. Really? Why do you assume your daughters wouldn't keep your last name? I don't get that at all. Also, who cares if your family name is passed on? Nothing personal, but I just find the obsession with this sort of stuff to be so self-important.

[serpentstooth]

I always figured we'd have 2 kids (didn't want an only child), and we didn't care what sex they ended up.  I will admit that after we had one boy, I was silently hoping for another, since I wanted to re-use all of the 'boy' stuff we had saved from the first.

This is my line of thinking! We are drowning in adorable girl stuff because my family went completely overboard when my niece was born. Between the massive amount of near perfect hand-me-downs we got, and all the new stuff purchased for our daughter by doting friends and family, we are now completely inundated with every item of clothing a baby girl could possibly wear newborn through 18 months. Heck, even if our next child is a boy, he's gonna look gorgeous in pink and purple until he's a toddler, because there is no way I'm not reusing some of this stuff.

Not a parent, but if we do have children there is no effing way I am buying a whole new set of stuff if the second if a different sex from the first. They all look the same when they're babies anyway. In fact, I could see myself dressing them completely in the other's hand-me-downs until the age of seven or so, or at least until they start actively protesting. If that means a boy wearing a lot of florals or a girl wearing truck and dinosaur prints, that's a-OK by me. My brother and I wore the same plain block coloured or striped trousers and T-shirts for YEARS. I wasn't a very girly girl, but still. I'd say 80% of my clothing was handed down to him until I was about nine or ten.

Ha. I have a one year old who will pitch a fit if an outfit is insufficiently girly. Don't count on getting anywhere near age seven with that sort of stuff if your kids aren't amenable. My daughter has had opinions about her outfits since she was about 8 months old.

[serpentstooth]

Actually, thinking about it . . . of all my married friends I think that only one woman changed her name to match her husband, so maybe separate last names is the new normal?  Keeping your name or taking someone else's name isn't really making any sort of statement to me.

Nope.

https://www.google.com/insights/consumersurveys/view?survey=bvvk5e7rjcvmi&question=4&filter=&rw=1

It's an internet poll, but I doubt it's wildly off.

Not sure why so many people are intent on claiming that women keeping their names is not unusual. It is.

Because it's probably not unusual in their circle, and people tend to extrapolate from their social cohort onto the wider society. Almost nobody has a social circle that is representative of the the country, or even their region or city. Most people have friends who are similar to them in politics, age, religiosity, education level, abilities, etc. This is what invariably leads my college classmates to be baffled whenever a Republican wins office, and nobody THEY know would ever vote for one. And yet, Republicans keep getting elected.

[GuitarStv]

Actually, thinking about it . . . of all my married friends I think that only one woman changed her name to match her husband, so maybe separate last names is the new normal?  Keeping your name or taking someone else's name isn't really making any sort of statement to me.

Nope.

https://www.google.com/insights/consumersurveys/view?survey=bvvk5e7rjcvmi&question=4&filter=&rw=1

It's an internet poll, but I doubt it's wildly off.

Not sure why so many people are intent on claiming that women keeping their names is not unusual. It is.

Because it's probably not unusual in their circle, and people tend to extrapolate from their social cohort onto the wider society. Almost nobody has a social circle that is representative of the the country, or even their region or city. Most people have friends who are similar to them in politics, age, religiosity, education level, abilities, etc. This is what invariably leads my college classmates to be baffled whenever a Republican wins office, and nobody THEY know would ever vote for one. And yet, Republicans keep getting elected.

If you filter the link given to show urban 18 - 24 year olds only 66% take the husband's name.  So maybe it is changing.

[Scandium]

I always figured we'd have 2 kids (didn't want an only child), and we didn't care what sex they ended up.  I will admit that after we had one boy, I was silently hoping for another, since I wanted to re-use all of the 'boy' stuff we had saved from the first.

This is my line of thinking! We are drowning in adorable girl stuff because my family went completely overboard when my niece was born. Between the massive amount of near perfect hand-me-downs we got, and all the new stuff purchased for our daughter by doting friends and family, we are now completely inundated with every item of clothing a baby girl could possibly wear newborn through 18 months. Heck, even if our next child is a boy, he's gonna look gorgeous in pink and purple until he's a toddler, because there is no way I'm not reusing some of this stuff.

Not a parent, but if we do have children there is no effing way I am buying a whole new set of stuff if the second if a different sex from the first. They all look the same when they're babies anyway. In fact, I could see myself dressing them completely in the other's hand-me-downs until the age of seven or so, or at least until they start actively protesting. If that means a boy wearing a lot of florals or a girl wearing truck and dinosaur prints, that's a-OK by me. My brother and I wore the same plain block coloured or striped trousers and T-shirts for YEARS. I wasn't a very girly girl, but still. I'd say 80% of my clothing was handed down to him until I was about nine or ten.

Ha. I have a one year old who will pitch a fit if an outfit is insufficiently girly. Don't count on getting anywhere near age seven with that sort of stuff if your kids aren't amenable. My daughter has had opinions about her outfits since she was about 8 months old.

Whaaat? Find this hard to believe. My son is 18 months and couldn't care less what I put on him. I could put him in a dress or scuba gear and he'd react the same. How would a 1 year old know what (western) society considers appropriately girly?

[Kitsune]

I always figured we'd have 2 kids (didn't want an only child), and we didn't care what sex they ended up.  I will admit that after we had one boy, I was silently hoping for another, since I wanted to re-use all of the 'boy' stuff we had saved from the first.

This is my line of thinking! We are drowning in adorable girl stuff because my family went completely overboard when my niece was born. Between the massive amount of near perfect hand-me-downs we got, and all the new stuff purchased for our daughter by doting friends and family, we are now completely inundated with every item of clothing a baby girl could possibly wear newborn through 18 months. Heck, even if our next child is a boy, he's gonna look gorgeous in pink and purple until he's a toddler, because there is no way I'm not reusing some of this stuff.

Not a parent, but if we do have children there is no effing way I am buying a whole new set of stuff if the second if a different sex from the first. They all look the same when they're babies anyway. In fact, I could see myself dressing them completely in the other's hand-me-downs until the age of seven or so, or at least until they start actively protesting. If that means a boy wearing a lot of florals or a girl wearing truck and dinosaur prints, that's a-OK by me. My brother and I wore the same plain block coloured or striped trousers and T-shirts for YEARS. I wasn't a very girly girl, but still. I'd say 80% of my clothing was handed down to him until I was about nine or ten.

Ha. I have a one year old who will pitch a fit if an outfit is insufficiently girly. Don't count on getting anywhere near age seven with that sort of stuff if your kids aren't amenable. My daughter has had opinions about her outfits since she was about 8 months old.

Whaaat? Find this hard to believe. My son is 18 months and couldn't care less what I put on him. I could put him in a dress or scuba gear and he'd react the same. How would a 1 year old know what (western) society considers appropriately girly?

1-year-old... sometimes, but mostly not.

My just-turned-2-year-old really, really loves 'dwesses', and make-up (and tractors, large trucks, ALL farm animals but ESPECIALLY cows, and fixing things with screwdrivers). So she 'helps' me with my make-up in the morning, wears short jersey dresses over leggings so she can play and run and do all the stuff while wearing her chosen outfit, and we take her to the tractor store to oogle the tractors on a bi-weekly basis. You just gotta run with what they like, sometimes.

[serpentstooth]

I always figured we'd have 2 kids (didn't want an only child), and we didn't care what sex they ended up.  I will admit that after we had one boy, I was silently hoping for another, since I wanted to re-use all of the 'boy' stuff we had saved from the first.

This is my line of thinking! We are drowning in adorable girl stuff because my family went completely overboard when my niece was born. Between the massive amount of near perfect hand-me-downs we got, and all the new stuff purchased for our daughter by doting friends and family, we are now completely inundated with every item of clothing a baby girl could possibly wear newborn through 18 months. Heck, even if our next child is a boy, he's gonna look gorgeous in pink and purple until he's a toddler, because there is no way I'm not reusing some of this stuff.

Not a parent, but if we do have children there is no effing way I am buying a whole new set of stuff if the second if a different sex from the first. They all look the same when they're babies anyway. In fact, I could see myself dressing them completely in the other's hand-me-downs until the age of seven or so, or at least until they start actively protesting. If that means a boy wearing a lot of florals or a girl wearing truck and dinosaur prints, that's a-OK by me. My brother and I wore the same plain block coloured or striped trousers and T-shirts for YEARS. I wasn't a very girly girl, but still. I'd say 80% of my clothing was handed down to him until I was about nine or ten.

Ha. I have a one year old who will pitch a fit if an outfit is insufficiently girly. Don't count on getting anywhere near age seven with that sort of stuff if your kids aren't amenable. My daughter has had opinions about her outfits since she was about 8 months old.

Whaaat? Find this hard to believe. My son is 18 months and couldn't care less what I put on him. I could put him in a dress or scuba gear and he'd react the same. How would a 1 year old know what (western) society considers appropriately girly?

*shrugs* I'm telling you what my daughter does, not what she should do, or what your son does. She started trying to pick her own clothes out of the laundry pile at 6 months. She like some of her clothes better than others, and expresses that. I don't keep her in a box. She's observant. She sees what I wear; what her husband wears. She meets lots of other little girls and sees what they wear. We go outside; she sees other people and their clothes, and how they act and react, and I'm sure that filters into her own desires. If I take her into a clothing store, she will reach out for anything especially blinged out and try to grab it off the racks. When I dress her in the morning, she runs down the hall to the mirror to check out her reflection, and stands there, smoothing her skirt. I respect her autonomy enough that if she wants to wear certain secondhand outfits more than others, well, I let her, within reason. Appearing feminine and pretty is obviously important to her, and I see no reasons to tamper with that.

[Cassie]

I raised 3 kids and have watched other people's kids and I have never seen a baby care about what they wear, notice what other people wear, etc.  They are babies and do baby things.  Sorry but I think you are projecting.

[serpentstooth]

I raised 3 kids and have watched other people's kids and I have never seen a baby care about what they wear, notice what other people wear, etc.  They are babies and do baby things.  Sorry but I think you are projecting.

Look, she picks clothes out and gets mad at me if I don't put them on her. In fact, if I don't do it, she'll start trying to pull them on over her current clothes. She picks some clothes more consistently than others. She poses in the mirror after dressing. She gets mad if I put her in certain outfits and coincidentally, these are all pants outfits in traditionally masculine colors. I might be wrong and just projecting. She might also care about what she wears. This doesn't mean everyone's child will, or should. It means this is what I am observing in my daughter. I don't think it means she's some super special genius, and I don't think it means that she'll continue acting this way forever. But right now it certainly looks like she's displaying wardrobe preferences, and I think if I said my 2 year old was doing this, nobody would doubt me.

[rockstache]

I raised 3 kids and have watched other people's kids and I have never seen a baby care about what they wear, notice what other people wear, etc.  They are babies and do baby things.  Sorry but I think you are projecting.

Look, she picks clothes out and gets mad at me if I don't put them on her. In fact, if I don't do it, she'll start trying to pull them on over her current clothes. She picks some clothes more consistently than others. She poses in the mirror after dressing. She gets mad if I put her in certain outfits and coincidentally, these are all pants outfits in traditionally masculine colors. I might be wrong and just projecting. She might also care about what she wears. This doesn't mean everyone's child will, or should. It means this is what I am observing in my daughter. I don't think it means she's some super special genius, and I don't think it means that she'll continue acting this way forever. But right now it certainly looks like she's displaying wardrobe preferences, and I think if I said my 2 year old was doing this, nobody would doubt me.

I've definitely seen this type of preference in kids before. My SIL works in a daycare and it can start really early. Or not. They're all different. It's silly (IMO) to try and dispute what someone is witnessing in their own child.

[charis]

I raised 3 kids and have watched other people's kids and I have never seen a baby care about what they wear, notice what other people wear, etc.  They are babies and do baby things.  Sorry but I think you are projecting.

Look, she picks clothes out and gets mad at me if I don't put them on her. In fact, if I don't do it, she'll start trying to pull them on over her current clothes. She picks some clothes more consistently than others. She poses in the mirror after dressing. She gets mad if I put her in certain outfits and coincidentally, these are all pants outfits in traditionally masculine colors. I might be wrong and just projecting. She might also care about what she wears. This doesn't mean everyone's child will, or should. It means this is what I am observing in my daughter. I don't think it means she's some super special genius, and I don't think it means that she'll continue acting this way forever. But right now it certainly looks like she's displaying wardrobe preferences, and I think if I said my 2 year old was doing this, nobody would doubt me.

Every kid is different, so it means nothing to say that none of your kids was like that.  My daughter started showing clothing preferences at a young age, strictly girly and dress up stuff.  My son has cared much less about the style (loves all colors, would play baseball in a tutu) but by 18 months would definitely fixate on a piece of clothing.

[lampstache]

****UPDATE****

Had two more children (girl and boy), four total 8 years of age and younger. We LOVE our big crazy family.

We're in the grind right now with lots of young kids, two working parents, side businesses, etc.. This too shall pass, but we're soaking in the time and moments as best as we can.

[affordablehousing]

Saw the post, and I guessed the update would be having two more kids. I would assume you'll have more so don't count out the crazy times getting crazier!

[Cassie]

Congrats on your new additions! Seeing the old posts about people insisting their babies had fashion preferences gave me a laugh again:)).

[charis]

Congrats on your new additions! Seeing the old posts about people insisting their babies had fashion preferences gave me a laugh again:)).

People speaking about their observations still don't measure up to your personal experience? That is funny

[lampstache]

Saw the post, and I guessed the update would be having two more kids. I would assume you'll have more so don't count out the crazy times getting crazier!

Oh no no no.... We're done. DH took care of that after the 4th (boy) was born LOL