Author Topic: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?  (Read 32734 times)

charis

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1738
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #100 on: May 28, 2015, 10:08:16 AM »
I think the OP's name could be added to the title as co-owner, but the house wouldn't be his outright.

ShoulderThingThatGoesUp

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3057
  • Location: Emmaus, PA
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #101 on: May 28, 2015, 10:15:05 AM »
I think the OP's name could be added to the title as co-owner, but the house wouldn't be his outright.

In Pennsylvania this can be done without transfer tax. We took my sister-in-law off the deed after we paid her back after selling the house we were moving from.

OP, you are an enabler. This isn't good for you or for them. My father-in-law tried to do this for his cousin. He ended up evicting them out of a house that was worthless (he at least had the title) because they had destroyed it.

seattlecyclone

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4979
  • Age: 34
  • Location: Seattle, WA
    • My blog
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #102 on: May 28, 2015, 10:30:29 AM »
And my sister can't collect any Social Security because he did manual labor for cash.  He had a lot of money saved up but it's all going to go towards paying out tens of thousands of dollars of back-owed child support for his four (count em!) other children.

I don't know the rules, but it sounds like they can't get this benefit.

I suppose "for cash" is code for "not reported on anyone's tax return." This is one of many examples of how tax fraud can be a bad idea.

This post feels really judgmental.  I'm not speaking in code.  It isn't some cryptic password.  When you work for cash you aren't listed on anyone's accounting records.

There's nothing wrong with doing odd jobs for cash. But when you do so, you're supposed to report that as self-employment income on your tax return. That creates accounting records with the IRS and Social Security Administration so that you not only pay your fair share of taxes, but you also get credit for that work you did so that you can eventually get social security benefits. While there are costs to playing by the rules and paying your taxes, there are clearly costs to not doing so. Would it be possible for the executor of your nephew's father's estate to file some back tax returns and then apply for benefits?

Aushin

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 123
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #103 on: May 28, 2015, 10:33:45 AM »
First:  House in question is not in PA.  My apartment and job are.  The house is in South Jersey.

Secomd: Good lord, they're bad with money but they're not going to destroy the household.  Please stop making my family out to be animals because I've told you that they waste money in casinos and suck at holding jobs.  They're financially irresponsible they're not subhuman.

My mom is a neat freak who takes care of her property and frets over any kind of minor damage she sees.  My sister and uncle if they lived on their own would probably end up living in awful messy houses but my grandma and mom keep a clean, tidy home.  The yardwork on the other hand doesn't get done unless I find time to do it, but the place isn't falling apart and probably doesn't remotely resemble what you must be picturing.


Aushin

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 123
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #104 on: May 28, 2015, 10:37:57 AM »
And my sister can't collect any Social Security because he did manual labor for cash.  He had a lot of money saved up but it's all going to go towards paying out tens of thousands of dollars of back-owed child support for his four (count em!) other children.

I don't know the rules, but it sounds like they can't get this benefit.

I suppose "for cash" is code for "not reported on anyone's tax return." This is one of many examples of how tax fraud can be a bad idea.

This post feels really judgmental.  I'm not speaking in code.  It isn't some cryptic password.  When you work for cash you aren't listed on anyone's accounting records.

There's nothing wrong with doing odd jobs for cash. But when you do so, you're supposed to report that as self-employment income on your tax return. That creates accounting records with the IRS and Social Security Administration so that you not only pay your fair share of taxes, but you also get credit for that work you did so that you can eventually get social security benefits. While there are costs to playing by the rules and paying your taxes, there are clearly costs to not doing so. Would it be possible for the executor of your nephew's father's estate to file some back tax returns and then apply for benefits?

If he'd tried to report his income on any tax returns, his boss would have fired him pretty fast. 

The executor of my nephew's father's estate is his mother.  She utterly hates my sister and my family (posts some really ugly things on Facebook about us) and would never ever lift a finger to help us.  She is an awful woman.  I don't even want to think about her.

seattlecyclone

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4979
  • Age: 34
  • Location: Seattle, WA
    • My blog
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #105 on: May 28, 2015, 03:43:34 PM »
There's nothing wrong with doing odd jobs for cash. But when you do so, you're supposed to report that as self-employment income on your tax return. That creates accounting records with the IRS and Social Security Administration so that you not only pay your fair share of taxes, but you also get credit for that work you did so that you can eventually get social security benefits. While there are costs to playing by the rules and paying your taxes, there are clearly costs to not doing so. Would it be possible for the executor of your nephew's father's estate to file some back tax returns and then apply for benefits?

If he'd tried to report his income on any tax returns, his boss would have fired him pretty fast. 

How do you figure? My employer has no way of knowing what I write on my tax return.

dandarc

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3468
  • Age: 36
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #106 on: May 28, 2015, 04:04:39 PM »
There's nothing wrong with doing odd jobs for cash. But when you do so, you're supposed to report that as self-employment income on your tax return. That creates accounting records with the IRS and Social Security Administration so that you not only pay your fair share of taxes, but you also get credit for that work you did so that you can eventually get social security benefits. While there are costs to playing by the rules and paying your taxes, there are clearly costs to not doing so. Would it be possible for the executor of your nephew's father's estate to file some back tax returns and then apply for benefits?

If he'd tried to report his income on any tax returns, his boss would have fired him pretty fast. 

How do you figure? My employer has no way of knowing what I write on my tax return.
Exactly.  Schedule C doesn't identify where your income came from in any way in this scenario.  All you'd have to report is something like "Income from Odd Jobs = $9K" or similar.

Sailor Sam

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4197
  • Age: 39
  • Location: Steel Beach
  • Semper...something
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #107 on: May 28, 2015, 04:14:45 PM »
You've made it clear that you are unwilling to reduce your level of family aid, so maybe you could approach the maintenance issues from a different direction. I'd suggest get quotes for the car and, and price out some window and door screens. Once you have the numbers, sit down with your mom, sister, and possibly your grandma. Work with them to find out where the money will come from. Including them will give them some power in the situation, which could lead to voluntary reduction in spending without any histrionics directed at you. 

Once you have the maintenance stuff conquered, you could use the same tactic for getting your mom a car.

Aushin

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 123
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #108 on: May 29, 2015, 07:03:02 AM »
There's nothing wrong with doing odd jobs for cash. But when you do so, you're supposed to report that as self-employment income on your tax return. That creates accounting records with the IRS and Social Security Administration so that you not only pay your fair share of taxes, but you also get credit for that work you did so that you can eventually get social security benefits. While there are costs to playing by the rules and paying your taxes, there are clearly costs to not doing so. Would it be possible for the executor of your nephew's father's estate to file some back tax returns and then apply for benefits?

If he'd tried to report his income on any tax returns, his boss would have fired him pretty fast. 

How do you figure? My employer has no way of knowing what I write on my tax return.
Exactly.  Schedule C doesn't identify where your income came from in any way in this scenario.  All you'd have to report is something like "Income from Odd Jobs = $9K" or similar.

Didn't know this.  Made the incorrect assumption that the IRS also wants to know where the money came from.

theadvicist

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1447
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #109 on: May 29, 2015, 08:00:34 AM »
Aushin, you seem like a really nice person. And I love that throughout this thread you have been open and willing to say, "oh yeah, didn't know that, thanks". Much respect.

But (you knew the but was coming, right?). This situation isn't tenable.

For one thing, you are effectively training all these people to rely on you for everything. Not just housing, phones, but also to solve their problems like the leaking fridge. Having set that situation up... what will happen if you get hit by a bus tomorrow? Seriously? You seem think you are the only one who can help them... and if you really think that is the case then you must see how risky that is.

Don't just go and fix the fridge. Show them how to fix the fridge. "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and you feed him for life" needs to become your new motto.

There were a few things that really stood out to me in what you've said:


I sort of expect to be supporting my mom and uncle for the rest of their lives.  My sister and her baby I'm not sure.  Depends on if she can find money elsewhere. 

But if you keep giving her everything she needs, why would she bother to look elsewhere? She won't find money elsewhere as long as it is coming from somewhere. Do her a favour and get her out there and working now. You're making her life easier now, but setting her up to be 45 who has been unemployed for 15 years, which is a hell of a lot harder than a 30 year old who's been unemployed a short while. (Ages made up for illustrative purposes).

I don't know much about your laws (in the UK here, where she would be protected by the Rehabilitation of Offenders Act), but is she really unemployable because of drugs offenses? I am led to believe that the US rates of incarceration are very high, so wouldn't that leave an awful lot of people permanently unemployable? What are they expected to do (I mean by the government. Because there must be something, even if the answer is to let them die homeless. Seriously, what do the government expect ex-cons to do?)


And a later quote from you, regarding your grandmother and uncle: "she has a probably-not-healthy relationship with him, where she has shielded him from all responsibility for all of his adult life."

Who does this sound like? You recognise where your gma went wrong, and yet you are doing exactly the same thing for/to your mom and sister.

You also say " I don't think I have a savior complex." and yet "the ship wouldn't magically find a way to right itself if I unplugged the hole. I am very literally presented with the choice of supporting them or letting them all be homeless. " So you do think you are singularly responsible for them...

As with other posters, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to be realistic.

The way I see it is either:
1) You are not the be and and end all to their survival the way you think, and they would get along without your help

or:
2) you are the only thing between them and destitution in which case you really do need to do something about it because it is very precarious to have 5 (?) people depending on one persons health and job security.


Another Reader

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5077
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #110 on: May 29, 2015, 08:28:42 AM »
In your shoes, I would take a break from all the drama and do something for myself.  Ask a young lady out on a date and go someplace fun.  Play with one of your hobbies or interests.  Take a road trip for the weekend somewhere.  Just don't go back to the mess in South Jersey.  You need to get in touch with what you want in life.  And these folks need to get by without you for a couple of weeks.

Aushin

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 123
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #111 on: May 29, 2015, 10:14:29 AM »
Aushin, you seem like a really nice person. And I love that throughout this thread you have been open and willing to say, "oh yeah, didn't know that, thanks". Much respect.

But (you knew the but was coming, right?). This situation isn't tenable.

For one thing, you are effectively training all these people to rely on you for everything. Not just housing, phones, but also to solve their problems like the leaking fridge. Having set that situation up... what will happen if you get hit by a bus tomorrow? Seriously? You seem think you are the only one who can help them... and if you really think that is the case then you must see how risky that is.

Don't just go and fix the fridge. Show them how to fix the fridge. "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and you feed him for life" needs to become your new motto.

There were a few things that really stood out to me in what you've said:


I sort of expect to be supporting my mom and uncle for the rest of their lives.  My sister and her baby I'm not sure.  Depends on if she can find money elsewhere. 

But if you keep giving her everything she needs, why would she bother to look elsewhere? She won't find money elsewhere as long as it is coming from somewhere. Do her a favour and get her out there and working now. You're making her life easier now, but setting her up to be 45 who has been unemployed for 15 years, which is a hell of a lot harder than a 30 year old who's been unemployed a short while. (Ages made up for illustrative purposes).

I don't know much about your laws (in the UK here, where she would be protected by the Rehabilitation of Offenders Act), but is she really unemployable because of drugs offenses? I am led to believe that the US rates of incarceration are very high, so wouldn't that leave an awful lot of people permanently unemployable? What are they expected to do (I mean by the government. Because there must be something, even if the answer is to let them die homeless. Seriously, what do the government expect ex-cons to do?)


And a later quote from you, regarding your grandmother and uncle: "she has a probably-not-healthy relationship with him, where she has shielded him from all responsibility for all of his adult life."

Who does this sound like? You recognise where your gma went wrong, and yet you are doing exactly the same thing for/to your mom and sister.

You also say " I don't think I have a savior complex." and yet "the ship wouldn't magically find a way to right itself if I unplugged the hole. I am very literally presented with the choice of supporting them or letting them all be homeless. " So you do think you are singularly responsible for them...

As with other posters, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to be realistic.

The way I see it is either:
1) You are not the be and and end all to their survival the way you think, and they would get along without your help

or:
2) you are the only thing between them and destitution in which case you really do need to do something about it because it is very precarious to have 5 (?) people depending on one persons health and job security.

Couple things.  First my sister is working, I've had to clarify that a few times now.  Second the difference between me and my family and my grandma and my uncle is actually disturbingly vast.  She babies and babied him on a level I can never ever approach.  He never did chores or had to lift a finger for anything ever.  I am asking for an actual rent (400 is modest but she used to pretend that 30 dollars a month toward the phone bill was actually a reasonable rent to take from him).

I really don't have any delusions about my situation.  I am actively taking actions to improve it, some of which were advised in this thread several days ago.  I'm trying to get them on their feet (car-hunting for mom, putting out craigslist ads for her old cleaning business (i know you'll argue I shouldn't be involved in doing that, but she's really REALLY bad with computers and it's not because she leans on me to do computer things.  She does, but I've tried endlessly to help her learn stuff.  She's just not good at it and doesn't have enough interest to be). 

I'm demanding rent from my uncle and my grandma has already offered it. 

I would cease doing this immediately if I felt this would irreversibly hurt my life somehow.  I think the good outweighs the bad.  I have no interest in being their permanent lifeline.  People are armchair psycho-analyzing the shit out of me.

Aushin

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 123
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #112 on: May 29, 2015, 10:21:26 AM »
THAT SAID, I do expect that I will have to help them in some way or another for a while.  Maybe I shouldn't have said "the rest of my life" earlier. 

We often speak from a place of privilege.  We earn lots of money.  Life is pretty easy for us financially. 

For people outside of this forum, livable salaries are not easy to come by.  The cost of rent, sustenance, and utilities steadily rise for everyone.  Wages don't for most.

Expecting my grandmother to live elsewhere is impossible for physical reasons.

Expecting my uncle to find his way out is insanely improbable for financial and developmental ones (someone has to take care of him, he's literally that helpless)

Expecting my mom to pay for herself...not TOTALLY insane if she can get back to the level of income she used to have cleaning beach houses.

Expecting my sister to support herself...probably going to have to find a husband.  Drug convictions, high school education.  Maybe she can hop into cleaning with mom. 


charis

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1738
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #113 on: May 29, 2015, 11:58:17 AM »
THAT SAID, I do expect that I will have to help them in some way or another for a while.  Maybe I shouldn't have said "the rest of my life" earlier. 

We often speak from a place of privilege.  We earn lots of money.  Life is pretty easy for us financially. 

For people outside of this forum, livable salaries are not easy to come by.  The cost of rent, sustenance, and utilities steadily rise for everyone.  Wages don't for most.

Expecting my grandmother to live elsewhere is impossible for physical reasons.

Expecting my uncle to find his way out is insanely improbable for financial and developmental ones (someone has to take care of him, he's literally that helpless)

Expecting my mom to pay for herself...not TOTALLY insane if she can get back to the level of income she used to have cleaning beach houses.

Expecting my sister to support herself...probably going to have to find a husband.  Drug convictions, high school education.  Maybe she can hop into cleaning with mom. 

You are right.  They expect you to be responsible for them, so they don't need to expect anything of themselves.  You are directly contributing to their learned helplessness.  (And I am obviously not talking about helping your mom use the computer).


mozar

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3001
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #114 on: May 30, 2015, 12:33:30 PM »
There are free programs for teaching how to use computer.
« Last Edit: May 10, 2018, 12:58:34 PM by mozar »

Another Reader

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5077
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #115 on: May 30, 2015, 12:36:28 PM »
There are free programs for teaching how to use computer. Why would she learn if you keep doing it for her? It is entirely not true that your sister cannot support herself. If she is able bodied there are options. There are jobs for people with high school degrees. And your sister is getting free childcare!! You are over generalizing when you say that it's "too hard these days." What the media is talking about is that people are not getting raises in line with inflation, not that no one is able to get work at all ever.

For now everyone you are supporting should be handing over their entire paychecks. Assuming your sister works 20hrs a month she should be able to give you about 800 a month. Your grandmother should be giving you her entire social security check. Your uncle if he moves in should be handing you his entire earnings. You are paying absolutely all of their bills so they should giving you everything they have. You should also be able to claim your grandmother, mother, sister, and nephew on your tax return, which will get you thousands of dollars back.

You say that you are paying to keep them quiet. This is called a codependent relationship. It's going to take a long time to work through this. I also used to have a codependent relationship with my parents. I once worked for free for an entire summer for my dad because he promised to help me with my college tuition, which he never did. When I asked him about it he told me it was my fault I decided to go to college.

My journey began when I read the book "codependent no more." I slowly started to establish boundaries with my parents. They absolutely freaked out,  and started throwing tantrums. It took about 5 years of me saying no and hanging the phone up on them before they started to get it. I thought that I might never have a healthy relationship with my parents. But I told them that they had to read codependent no more to stay in my life. Which led my dad to be willing to go to therapy with me, and my mom read "feeling good, a new mood therapy." I also had a relatively easy childhood, my parents even paid for private school. But I don't owe them the rest of my life and my mental health because they chose to have me.

It's hard but the first step will be realizing you have a problem.

+1000. 

MMMaybe

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 388
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #116 on: May 30, 2015, 06:09:28 PM »

Quote

If your grandmother were prepared to put in the money from the sale of her mobile home, that would help the situation a lot.  You could own the house between the three of you: your mother's share would be her current equity, your grandmother's share would be her capital from the sale of her mobile home, and your share would be the residual amount borrowed by way of a new mortgage which was used (along with your grandmother's share) to pay off the old one.  Then there would be three of you owning the house.   That would reduce your costs considerably: you would have a newly financed mortgage of about $50k, hopefully at a more reasonable interest rate, and the house would be a secure home for your family without being an unreasonable burden on you.  Your grandmother could perhaps leave her share of the house to your uncle, which would ensure that he had the shelter that has been promised.  If you wanted to get a bit fancy about it, she could leave her share to him as a life interest (ie the right to live in the house for the rest of his life) after which it would come to you: that would prevent him from running up his gambling debts against his share of the house. 

Remember that there would be some legal costs involved in transferring the ownership of the house from its current state to a new joint ownership.  You could probably get enough mortgage to include those costs, though, given your current cash crisis.

This is a sensible suggestion. I think its realistic, given that you know that you will not be able to (or want to) cut your family off entirely. I applaud you for caring so much about your family, despite the very difficult circumstances.

I also agree with the other posters who say that your family should contribute more and its good to see that you are requiring this from them. I don't think that expecting a contribution from them is at all heartless. You cannot carry this burden entirely alone and if they can work, they should. Please do protect your interests though :)

Good luck to you. I hope you will keep updating us.

lhamo

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 9812
  • Location: Seattle
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #117 on: May 30, 2015, 06:44:39 PM »
Your sister and her daughter should be eligible for WIC benefits:

http://www.portal.state.pa.us/portal/server.pt/community/women,_infants___children_(wic)/14204


Aushin

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 123
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #118 on: June 08, 2015, 09:09:24 AM »
Trying to get a car for mom for 3k.  Grandma is pitching in 1k, I'm pitching in 1k, my aunt was supposed to pitch in 1k but has just recently backed out and said she can't (she went on a cruise two weeks ago).

theadvicist

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1447
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #119 on: June 08, 2015, 09:11:20 AM »
Trying to get a car for mom for 3k.  Grandma is pitching in 1k, I'm pitching in 1k, my aunt was supposed to pitch in 1k but has just recently backed out and said she can't (she went on a cruise two weeks ago).

Then spend 2k. You can still get something decent enough. Don't use this as a reason to 1) let Mom go without a job or 2) pitch in 2k yourself to make it up to 3k.

Aushin

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 123
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #120 on: June 08, 2015, 09:19:06 AM »
Yes that is probably what will end up happening. 

formerlydivorcedmom

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 628
  • Location: Texas
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #121 on: June 08, 2015, 10:01:47 AM »
I'm going to assume, since your sister has a job, that she has a car.  Why can't she share with mom?

Aushin

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 123
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #122 on: June 08, 2015, 01:01:52 PM »
Even if there existed a way for them to always make sure they didn't have work scheduled at the same time I don't could convince them to do it.  I am a MMM student but even I can't really comprehend how a person lives in the suburbs and has any kind of social life without their own car (unless they're still in school and mom/dad drive them places).

Aushin

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 123
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #123 on: June 08, 2015, 01:02:33 PM »
You might argue that a social life is a luxury and I wouldn't really know how to respond to that.

ambimammular

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 388
  • Age: 42
  • Location: Indiana
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #124 on: June 08, 2015, 01:09:00 PM »
Her problem, all of their problems really, are they fucking suck with money.  Two of them compulsively gamble it away (I cringe when I even start TRYING to imagine the amount of money my grandparents pissed away) and my mom just spends, spends, spends.  Gambling isn't her vice, but money leaks through her hands like water regardless. 

Hate to break it to you, but your relatives aren't the only ones letting money leak from their hands like water. You're letting your hard earnings slip right through your fingers, too.

If you keep throwing your money at them, you will end up just like them. And I can't see any of your family members rescuing your behind.

Stick up for yourself!! You deserve better!!

Chrissy

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 943
  • Age: 42
  • Location: Chicago
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #125 on: June 08, 2015, 02:39:40 PM »
Even if there existed a way for them to always make sure they didn't have work scheduled at the same time I don't could convince them to do it. 

Actually, having identical work schedules is what you'd hope for if you want to carpool.  The idea being your sister would drop your mother off on the way to work, and pick your mother up on the way home.  See?

cripzychiken

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 194
  • Location: Central Florida
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #126 on: June 08, 2015, 02:47:01 PM »
Even if there existed a way for them to always make sure they didn't have work scheduled at the same time I don't could convince them to do it.  I am a MMM student but even I can't really comprehend how a person lives in the suburbs and has any kind of social life without their own car (unless they're still in school and mom/dad drive them places).

If your family can't afford their own bills - especially luxuries like cable and fancy (non-pay as you go) cell phones, why are they entitled to a social life outside of the house?  What do they do since they don't have money to spend - go for a walk in the park, visit the library?  If it's stuff like go to bars with friends, go to casinos and gamble, go to the movies - I'd be pissed that they get to have more of a social life than you do.  That said - I know that isn't a realistic thought to expect them to give up their social life so you can start supporting them less. 

Something that worked for me when I was in a much smaller version of this was lying about a major change in my income.  Basically let people know that your job is raising costs for health insurance and it's affected your take-home by $200/month (or some other amount).  Blame whoever you want (the CEO, obamacare, republicans take your pick), but say that you can't afford to pay for cable anymore (if you don't want to be the bad guy and straight up drop it). Also, use work to be the reason you are forced to stay in Philly 2 weekends a month (stupid required OT, darn boss!).  A weekend or 2 without the stress being right there really helped me.

Some help that I haven't seen covered here yet - look at reducing some bills.  $214 for cable and internet is a ton.  Get rid of DVR, get rid of bonus channels (like HBO, sport packages, etc) and drop it down to only 1 or 2 boxes (use the OTA HD antennas for bedroom TVs).  Make sure you aren't renting a $45 modem for $8/month from them (most people are).  I had Comcast in the past and it was closer to $125/month, so I'd look at what all is going into the house and see if you can drop the cost without completely getting rid of cable (think of it as a compromise).

Last bit - you're doing more than a lot of people would do, so give yourself a pat on the back for being the great son/brother/grandson/nephew that you are.  But understand that if you don't start trying to lookout for yourself, you might be the next person being a burden on another family member down the line.  Keep your future in mind and make sure that the stress you are going through isn't just going to be passed on in a few years.

brooklynmoney

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 527
  • Location: Crooklyn
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #127 on: June 08, 2015, 10:41:20 PM »
You haven't talked at all in this whole lomg thread about yourself except as it relates to your family besides asking if you could give up even more from yourself to give to them ie stop 401k contribution. It sounds to me like you think your needs don't count and that is really sad.

Aushin

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 123
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #128 on: June 09, 2015, 06:50:53 AM »
To try to address most of the previous posts: my life really doesn't suck.  I do have a social life.  When I'm back home on weekends I go to the beach frequently and have seen friends almost every weekend day for the past few weeks.  I'm going to be in a local summer production of Legally Blonde (the musical). 

I have a social life.  I just also have a difficult to manage home life. 

The choice really isn't "do I have a life or not" it's closer to "do I have an amazing 'where is all this money coming from holy crap' life or do I have a very strictly budgeted life"

If my life sucks, it's only because it sucks in comparison to the dream life I would have without the financial obligations I've got going on.  Objectively, my life is pretty rewarding, I think.

partgypsy

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3395
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #129 on: June 09, 2015, 01:56:40 PM »
following. 

I'm not going to be totally critical, because I think you are coming from a caring place. But you need to draw boundaries and stick with them. Think about what you want and need to accomplish, including retirement goals, that you may have a relationship and a family in the future and you will want to save money for those things. Those come first. If you have money left over and it is something you want to spend money on, then help your family. But have it as a line item in your budget and don't go over that. Don't think of the house as an investment. You really wouldn't be buying this house if it wasn't for the fact it is a family house and you are helping family members by buying it. And buy it only if it fits in your overall budget.

LeRainDrop

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1841
Re: Should I stop contributing to my 401k temporarily?
« Reply #130 on: June 09, 2015, 11:17:28 PM »
There is definitely some taking advantage in here.  I have no illusions otherwise.  I'm not an utter doormat but I'm pretty close.

I've got to echo the others who recommend that you seek some counseling on your family dynamic and how to create better boundaries.  I've been in a similar position with a few immediate family members asking for a lot of financial help, then more help, etc.  Like you, my parents had given me a great childhood and set me up for my own success.  I love them and felt like I had no choice but to help by giving substantial loans in light of the circumstances that came to a head pretty quickly.  This all put a lot of pressure on me, and combined with my work pressures, I ended up trying counseling at the suggestion of my general practitioner.  I was very glad that I did it because it gave me a fresh perspective -- an outsider telling me that I was not responsible for the finances or well-being of my parents and brother, all of whom are able-bodied individuals.  Our sessions gave me tools to address my behaviors to create healthier relationships.  Part of that was telling the folks that I would not loan/give them any more money.  I don't mean to imply that all our issues have been resolved by any means, but guess what?  My brother turned a corner, started being frugal, and is actually paying me back.  My parents also worked to put themselves in better positions and are also paying me back.  Anyhow, I guess I'm trying to say that I can really relate to what you're going through and your mindset, and I think you would benefit from talking to someone.  Hopefully, your family can grow to be less dependent on you, and to find their own strength to self-support.
« Last Edit: June 09, 2015, 11:20:29 PM by LeRainDrop »