Author Topic: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f  (Read 8134 times)

NeonOctopus

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Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« on: July 21, 2017, 10:55:04 AM »
I've done the math, at $11/hr full time in Colorado
 the only place I can afford to live (even with 1 roommate) is some ghetto hell hole and the only food I can afford is ramin and other such horrible things. I feel that at age 25 I shouldn't live at home still, but being able to save money, be safe, and have real food/recreation/travel is very hard to walk away from.

What do you think, should I do the honorable thing and sacrifice my safety, health, ability to save money and travel to live on my own, living some paycheck to paycheck nightmare, or should I deal with the embarrassment and stay home? Thanks so much.
« Last Edit: July 21, 2017, 10:57:07 AM by NeonOctopus »

MrsPete

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #1 on: July 21, 2017, 11:06:41 AM »
Why is moving out honorable?
Why is living with your parents embarrassing? 

ketchup

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #2 on: July 21, 2017, 11:11:23 AM »
Why is moving out honorable?
Why is living with your parents embarrassing?
This.  It can be a reasonable thing to do depending on the situation.

Also, what are your future plans?  You don't have to make $11/hr forever.

NeonOctopus

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #3 on: July 21, 2017, 11:13:32 AM »
That's the social rules of society. I hate it because I don't see why living with your parents is a big deal and it seems smarter than throwing away your money on rent. But if I want respect from my peers and to stop being single I have to earn that, and that means not living with the folks.

tomorrowsomewherenew

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #4 on: July 21, 2017, 11:18:28 AM »
I think if you have to live on your own in order to not be single, then you're looking for the wrong partner, or looking in the wrong places. I'd much prefer to be married to someone financially responsible than someone spendy who is looking to impress their friends with money. Btw, I'm only 31.

NeonOctopus

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #5 on: July 21, 2017, 11:18:46 AM »
I don't know what my future plans are. I flunked out of college (I only tried to take 1 class, math, it was a joke). What I WANT to do is travel the world but lets face it, that's a rich person luxury. Right now I work in a cannabis dispensery and I Love it, it just doesn't pay very well. So I don't know what I should do

MrsPete

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #6 on: July 21, 2017, 11:24:39 AM »
That's the social rules of society. I hate it because I don't see why living with your parents is a big deal and it seems smarter than throwing away your money on rent. But if I want respect from my peers and to stop being single I have to earn that, and that means not living with the folks.
No, society has no such rule.  You can't make life choices based upon your perception of other people's judgement.   

I don't know what my future plans are. I flunked out of college (I only tried to take 1 class, math, it was a joke). What I WANT to do is travel the world but lets face it, that's a rich person luxury. Right now I work in a cannabis dispensery and I Love it, it just doesn't pay very well. So I don't know what I should do
College is a great way to prepare for a good job, and you cannot be without redemption if you've only attempted one class.  College is not the only way to prepare for a good job.  Sounds like you need to do some research and decide what you really want to do ... and then figure out how you want to get there. 

Your current job doesn't sound like a very good choice.  You're talking about retail, and retail will never pay well. 

NeonOctopus

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #7 on: July 21, 2017, 11:25:12 AM »
I think if you have to live on your own in order to not be single, then you're looking for the wrong partner, or looking in the wrong places. I'd much prefer to be married to someone financially responsible than someone spendy who is looking to impress their friends with money. Btw, I'm only 31.

I know, but because of the stigma of living at home, I don't have the confidence to look for a partner because I don't know why a good potential person would choose the loser who lives with mommy and daddy over the independant person who's apartment they can actually go to. 

ketchup

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #8 on: July 21, 2017, 11:27:34 AM »
That's the social rules of society. I hate it because I don't see why living with your parents is a big deal and it seems smarter than throwing away your money on rent. But if I want respect from my peers and to stop being single I have to earn that, and that means not living with the folks.
They're only the "rules" if you say they are.  I'm 26 and I work with plenty of people around our age that still live at home.  It's only a negative if you let it be.  I say, do it for as long as you can get away with, assuming you have a reasonable relationship with your family.  I moved out at 20, but that was because my GF was moving to town, and I had money saved up to buy us a very cheap small house (that I was able to save because I was living at home with extremely low expenses).

Cali Nonya

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #9 on: July 21, 2017, 11:30:28 AM »
Neon:

You're thinking in negative circles.  Right now, you are in a safe and stable environment, the one thing that it lacks is your independence.  Therefore make a plan to learn or train or hustle or (whatever adjective) a new career path that will put you onto a path to earn more in the future.  If you are someone staying at home while your work towards something, you will be more confident and appealing.  And to be honest, someone living at home while saving and working towards something better is not the same thing as someone staying at home paralyzed to move forward.  It's not the living at home part that people might judge you for.

NeonOctopus

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #10 on: July 21, 2017, 11:36:39 AM »
That's the social rules of society. I hate it because I don't see why living with your parents is a big deal and it seems smarter than throwing away your money on rent. But if I want respect from my peers and to stop being single I have to earn that, and that means not living with the folks.
No, society has no such rule.  You can't make life choices based upon your perception of other people's judgement.   

I don't know what my future plans are. I flunked out of college (I only tried to take 1 class, math, it was a joke). What I WANT to do is travel the world but lets face it, that's a rich person luxury. Right now I work in a cannabis dispensery and I Love it, it just doesn't pay very well. So I don't know what I should do
College is a great way to prepare for a good job, and you cannot be without redemption if you've only attempted one class.  College is not the only way to prepare for a good job.  Sounds like you need to do some research and decide what you really want to do ... and then figure out how you want to get there. 

Your current job doesn't sound like a very good choice.  You're talking about retail, and retail will never pay well.

I don't want to live that way, but the negative looks and reactions and "well I actually have to pay my way with no help" in a proud tone is just shitty to deal with all the time. All those people feel like they're better than me because they don't live at home and according to American culture they're right. It's a lot of embarrassment, so I want to at least be respected by my peers.

Cali Nonya

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #11 on: July 21, 2017, 11:45:12 AM »
I don't want to live that way, but the negative looks and reactions and "well I actually have to pay my way with no help" in a proud tone is just shitty to deal with all the time. All those people feel like they're better than me because they don't live at home and according to American culture they're right. It's a lot of embarrassment, so I want to at least be respected by my peers.

That is your own insecurity talking, not other people.  That voice will probably go away when you find a plan or goal and start focusing on it.

This may or may not be the best site to ask a question like yours (or what I am trying to say, is you might want to ask in a different way).  Keep in mind, most people who cleave towards MMM or FIRE are the minority that are capable of rejecting social/peer pressure.  That ability to resist external pressure comes from different places for different people.  You might want to consider finding someone who's a little older than you, but has similar interests / personality and ask to be mentored (or a couple mentors).

ketchup

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #12 on: July 21, 2017, 11:45:34 AM »
That's the social rules of society. I hate it because I don't see why living with your parents is a big deal and it seems smarter than throwing away your money on rent. But if I want respect from my peers and to stop being single I have to earn that, and that means not living with the folks.
No, society has no such rule.  You can't make life choices based upon your perception of other people's judgement.   

I don't know what my future plans are. I flunked out of college (I only tried to take 1 class, math, it was a joke). What I WANT to do is travel the world but lets face it, that's a rich person luxury. Right now I work in a cannabis dispensery and I Love it, it just doesn't pay very well. So I don't know what I should do
College is a great way to prepare for a good job, and you cannot be without redemption if you've only attempted one class.  College is not the only way to prepare for a good job.  Sounds like you need to do some research and decide what you really want to do ... and then figure out how you want to get there. 

Your current job doesn't sound like a very good choice.  You're talking about retail, and retail will never pay well.

I don't want to live that way, but the negative looks and reactions and "well I actually have to pay my way with no help" in a proud tone is just shitty to deal with all the time. All those people feel like they're better than me because they don't live at home and according to American culture they're right. It's a lot of embarrassment, so I want to at least be respected by my peers.
Who are these peers? Coworkers making the same money as you and living on their own?

Catbert

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #13 on: July 21, 2017, 11:50:21 AM »
I don't know what my future plans are. I flunked out of college (I only tried to take 1 class, math, it was a joke). What I WANT to do is travel the world but lets face it, that's a rich person luxury. Right now I work in a cannabis dispensery and I Love it, it just doesn't pay very well. So I don't know what I should do

A more important questions that how social feels is how your parents feel about you continuing to living there?  Do they like it?  Or merely tolerate it?  Do you contribute to the household either monetarily or with you labor?
 
Personally, I wouldn't be happy with a 25 y.o. college dropout working at a cannabis dispensary who's making no plans for the future living with me for free.  YMMV.

NeonOctopus

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #14 on: July 21, 2017, 11:51:35 AM »
Neon:

You're thinking in negative circles.  Right now, you are in a safe and stable environment, the one thing that it lacks is your independence.  Therefore make a plan to learn or train or hustle or (whatever adjective) a new career path that will put you onto a path to earn more in the future.  If you are someone staying at home while your work towards something, you will be more confident and appealing.  And to be honest, someone living at home while saving and working towards something better is not the same thing as someone staying at home paralyzed to move forward.  It's not the living at home part that people might judge you for.

Don't you think it's rather sad and pathetic to not already have a plan, or not already be several steps into a plan? I spent my time doing some modest traveling and getting a little "party" time in so I guess that's not too bad of an excuse, but I still didn't have any plan going. I suppose it's better late than never but it is awfully embarrassing. I don't know what the plan should be now though. I don't want to be stuck at home for 4 more years for school, and this part is especially my fault but there really are no trades that I find practical or likeable. I really like my current job, the work and the people. But yeah, it doesn't pay well and won't unless I get promoted but is hard to say how many uears that could be.

lostamonkey

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #15 on: July 21, 2017, 11:52:12 AM »
I think if you have to live on your own in order to not be single, then you're looking for the wrong partner, or looking in the wrong places. I'd much prefer to be married to someone financially responsible than someone spendy who is looking to impress their friends with money. Btw, I'm only 31.

I know, but because of the stigma of living at home, I don't have the confidence to look for a partner because I don't know why a good potential person would choose the loser who lives with mommy and daddy over the independant person who's apartment they can actually go to.

As someone who is male, 25, and single, I don't think it is a big deal to be living with your parents if you are female. Most guys (myself included) wouldn't really care. I have dated people who lived at home before and if we wanted privacy, she would just come to my place.

That being said, I think you should focus on getting a higher paying job first though.

NeonOctopus

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #16 on: July 21, 2017, 12:02:15 PM »
I don't want to live that way, but the negative looks and reactions and "well I actually have to pay my way with no help" in a proud tone is just shitty to deal with all the time. All those people feel like they're better than me because they don't live at home and according to American culture they're right. It's a lot of embarrassment, so I want to at least be respected by my peers.

That is your own insecurity talking, not other people.  That voice will probably go away when you find a plan or goal and start focusing on it.

This may or may not be the best site to ask a question like yours (or what I am trying to say, is you might want to ask in a different way).  Keep in mind, most people who cleave towards MMM or FIRE are the minority that are capable of rejecting social/peer pressure.  That ability to resist external pressure comes from different places for different people.  You might want to consider finding someone who's a little older than you, but has similar interests / personality and ask to be mentored (or a couple mentors).

I do appologize if this post isn't appropriate, I can delete if nessicary.

NeonOctopus

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #17 on: July 21, 2017, 12:04:49 PM »
I don't know what my future plans are. I flunked out of college (I only tried to take 1 class, math, it was a joke). What I WANT to do is travel the world but lets face it, that's a rich person luxury. Right now I work in a cannabis dispensery and I Love it, it just doesn't pay very well. So I don't know what I should do

A more important questions that how social feels is how your parents feel about you continuing to living there?  Do they like it?  Or merely tolerate it?  Do you contribute to the household either monetarily or with you labor?
 
Personally, I wouldn't be happy with a 25 y.o. college dropout working at a cannabis dispensary who's making no plans for the future living with me for free.  YMMV.

My parents are elderly (I was adopted) they love having me live there. They will be happy as long as I'm happy, they're awesome. I help them out where I can, although they don't need any financial support.

NeonOctopus

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #18 on: July 21, 2017, 12:08:07 PM »
I think if you have to live on your own in order to not be single, then you're looking for the wrong partner, or looking in the wrong places. I'd much prefer to be married to someone financially responsible than someone spendy who is looking to impress their friends with money. Btw, I'm only 31.

I know, but because of the stigma of living at home, I don't have the confidence to look for a partner because I don't know why a good potential person would choose the loser who lives with mommy and daddy over the independant person who's apartment they can actually go to.

As someone who is male, 25, and single, I don't think it is a big deal to be living with your parents if you are female. Most guys (myself included) wouldn't really care. I have dated people who lived at home before and if we wanted privacy, she would just come to my place.

That being said, I think you should focus on getting a higher paying job first though.

I do appriciate that, however I'm also interested in dating girls and they're a little (or a lot) pickier and I had this perfect girl say "oh, I'm looking for someone who's a little more established in life" I think her rejection is what really kick started this worry.

Cali Nonya

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #19 on: July 21, 2017, 12:09:20 PM »
Neon:

You're thinking in negative circles.  Right now, you are in a safe and stable environment, the one thing that it lacks is your independence.  Therefore make a plan to learn or train or hustle or (whatever adjective) a new career path that will put you onto a path to earn more in the future.  If you are someone staying at home while your work towards something, you will be more confident and appealing.  And to be honest, someone living at home while saving and working towards something better is not the same thing as someone staying at home paralyzed to move forward.  It's not the living at home part that people might judge you for.

Don't you think it's rather sad and pathetic to not already have a plan, or not already be several steps into a plan? I spent my time doing some modest traveling and getting a little "party" time in so I guess that's not too bad of an excuse, but I still didn't have any plan going. I suppose it's better late than never but it is awfully embarrassing. I don't know what the plan should be now though. I don't want to be stuck at home for 4 more years for school, and this part is especially my fault but there really are no trades that I find practical or likeable. I really like my current job, the work and the people. But yeah, it doesn't pay well and won't unless I get promoted but is hard to say how many uears that could be.

Whoa no.  Plans are not these fixed ridged things.  You make and revise plans are you go along, you just need to have a sort of mental map of "I think I want to be in something like 'X' in 5 years".  Then you figure out some of the steps to take to move in that direction.  You'll learn new things, and get new perspective, then you might be thinking in a year or two "I'd rather be 'Y' in 5 years", so then started working on some of those steps. 

And there are multiple layers of plans.  Plans for money, plans for interests, plans for romance, etc.  Like other's have said, college is not an answer.  You like your field, then you need to start looking at people who make more money within that field.  Start figuring out how they got there, what little steps can you do to get there.  Hard work and confidence gets you pretty far.

I'm not the best reference (Masters degree math-loving STEM type).  But I can say, in my previous line of work, the higher paid people where not the MS & PhD's, it was the experienced field people with real-world know-how. 

And p.s.  I'm 42 and am in the middle of a major revision of my plans for the future.  It's no big deal to not really "know",  you just need to make a decision and start on a path and have the confidence to learn and move forward.

SuperSecretName

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #20 on: July 21, 2017, 12:11:10 PM »
at $11/hr, you can't afford to move.  concentrate on increasing income

MrsPete

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #21 on: July 21, 2017, 12:14:37 PM »
I know, but because of the stigma of living at home, I don't have the confidence to look for a partner because I don't know why a good potential person would choose the loser who lives with mommy and daddy over the independant person who's apartment they can actually go to.
Confidence has nothing to do with living on your own.   

And to be honest, someone living at home while saving and working towards something better is not the same thing as someone staying at home paralyzed to move forward.  It's not the living at home part that people might judge you for.
Bingo.  I don't think the problem is living at home.  The problem is being 6-7 years out of high school and not having moved forward in that time.  Plenty of people don't get a good start right out of high school, but anyone can wake up and say, "It's time for me to do better". 

I don't want to live that way, but the negative looks and reactions and "well I actually have to pay my way with no help" in a proud tone is just shitty to deal with all the time. All those people feel like they're better than me because they don't live at home and according to American culture they're right. It's a lot of embarrassment, so I want to at least be respected by my peers.
No, they're not right. You're sensitive to this subject, and you're allowing yourself to feel embarrassed about it.  Is this embarrassment so bad that you're willing to live in what you describe as a horrible and unsafe apartment?  Keep in mind that the average American is deeply in debt, so a lot of those "I pay my way with no help" people are shuffling credit cards to make it through the month.  No respect for that. 

You won't find a lot of people on this board who are much concerned with what other people think of them. 

Personally, I wouldn't be happy with a 25 y.o. college dropout working at a cannabis dispensary who's making no plans for the future living with me for free.  YMMV.
I agree.  I've told my kids that they're welcome to live with me forever ... but it has to be because they WANT to, not because they HAVE TO.  My 23-year old and spouse have professional jobs and a house, so they're not likely to move back in with me; however, when my 20-year old finishes college next year, she probably will return home ... she's thinking of starting her professional life living with us, and she's interested in saving /investing in a couple duplexes to give her some rental income, and when she's ready, she could move into one of those.  But I would not finance a child who didn't have a plan for moving forward in life.

Don't you think it's rather sad and pathetic to not already have a plan, or not already be several steps into a plan? I spent my time doing some modest traveling and getting a little "party" time in so I guess that's not too bad of an excuse, but I still didn't have any plan going. I suppose it's better late than never but it is awfully embarrassing. I don't know what the plan should be now though. I don't want to be stuck at home for 4 more years for school, and this part is especially my fault but there really are no trades that I find practical or likeable. I really like my current job, the work and the people. But yeah, it doesn't pay well and won't unless I get promoted but is hard to say how many uears that could be.
Honestly, yes, but what's done is done.  You can't get those years back, and maybe your peer group has moved on /is doing more ... but it's 100% your choice to remain in this situation.  What you really need is a goal for the future -- that, not an apartment -- is what's missing from your life.  You said it yourself:  Better late than never. 

You say you aren't aware of any trades that interest you.  I'll throw this out:  A great number of high-paying jobs exist in the medical field.  You could be a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) a month from now, and this would allow you a low-level job in a hospital or nursing home.  From there, you could see other jobs that are achievable within two years -- radiology, pharm tech, even RN at a community college.  The CNA would be a very low "investment" towards seeing what's available. 

Or look into Job Corps.  It's for high school grads who just don't have a lot of job skills or direction. 

Or consider a stint in the military.  It'd take you out of your current situation and would provide you with some educational benefits for the future (and some other nice benefits too like medical and help buying a house). 

Or go back to college.  You have plenty of time to sign up for classes that begin in mid-August, and you don't need to know what degree you want in your first year ... that'd give you time to consider what you want to do. 

If you were working towards something other than a retail job in the drug field, you'd probably feel better about living at home.

MrsPete

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #22 on: July 21, 2017, 12:18:49 PM »
I do appriciate that, however I'm also interested in dating girls and they're a little (or a lot) pickier and I had this perfect girl say "oh, I'm looking for someone who's a little more established in life" I think her rejection is what really kick started this worry.
I'm not hearing "I don't want to start a relationship because you still live with your parents"; rather, I'm hearing, "You're 25 and seem to be floating along in life.  Not a real plan, etc."  Accomplished people want to be with people who are also accomplishing things in the world. 

galliver

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #23 on: July 21, 2017, 12:19:54 PM »
Job wise, have you looked into the travel industry? I've a friend who worked for REI adventures, now working in Alaska doing some kind of tour guiding. We met working at a traveling summer camp for teens. I'm sure there are more "urban travel" positions, too. You may need college to advance in these fields, but maybe studying things related to a future in travel/tourism would be more motivating?

The cultural insistence that young adults need to move out is very American.  In many cultures, young adults live with family until they marry...And sometimes even after so family can help each other out.

So until you figure out your future, stay. Don't be apologetic about it. Focus on the fact you're helping out your parents and treat saving money as a nice side effect.

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RFAAOATB

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #24 on: July 21, 2017, 12:31:50 PM »
I've done the math, at $11/hr full time in Colorado
 the only place I can afford to live (even with 1 roommate) is some ghetto hell hole and the only food I can afford is ramin and other such horrible things. I feel that at age 25 I shouldn't live at home still, but being able to save money, be safe, and have real food/recreation/travel is very hard to walk away from.

What do you think, should I do the honorable thing and sacrifice my safety, health, ability to save money and travel to live on my own, living some paycheck to paycheck nightmare, or should I deal with the embarrassment and stay home? Thanks so much.

Making $11 an hour is more embarrassing than living with your parents.  There are very few cases I would give this advice, but in your case it may work.

Military Enlistment.  My time in the Army sucked, but it paid ok, got me out of the parent's house, and set me on a trajectory for middle class life.  Sure living in the barracks isn't much better than living in the ghetto, but it's a lot more respected by large swaths of America.  Thank you for your service and all that.

I've heard Air Force has a better quality of life so try that first, but the Army is always a respectable average option to jump start your life.

yachi

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #25 on: July 21, 2017, 01:00:52 PM »
So I've been getting treated for anxiety and I'm realizing the power that our thoughts have to control our moods.  I'm reading the book when panic attacks, but the same doctor also authored the book Feeling Good The New Mood Therapy.  The book teaches you to talk back to the same kind of negative thoughts you're voicing on here.  Basically your thoughts right now contain a lot of labeling (loser, sad, pathetic) mind reading (negative looks, people think they're better than me, possibly even the society not approving of you living at home part).

Since you're concerned about finding someone to date, the panic attack book actually has pointers on how to flirt too! Look, you aren't going to date all of society, just one person, so focus on that.  The girl you talked to might have pulled an excuse out of the air for who knows what reason (maybe your age, or hair color or who voice or some other similarly stupid reason).

terran

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #26 on: July 21, 2017, 01:03:02 PM »
Why did you take a math class as your only college class? Do you like math? In which case why did you flunk out? Or were trying to get the hard one out of the way first? In which case maybe it would be worth trying a fresh start with something you're excited by and see how that goes?

Samuel

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #27 on: July 21, 2017, 01:13:04 PM »
Honestly, partaking of the products you sell does not help with the development and implementation of long term goals. If you do partake this sounds like a perfect time for a hiatus to think and plan and take action in pursuit of a worthwhile goal. There's a huge danger of waking up 5 years from now in the exact same place...

(I'm speaking from experience, not a place of judgement)


I agree with others that living at home at 25 is not really that bad, but floating along in a low paying retail job with no direction is a legit concern.

MrMoogle

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #28 on: July 21, 2017, 01:41:31 PM »
Don't you think it's rather sad and pathetic to not already have a plan, or not already be several steps into a plan? I spent my time doing some modest traveling and getting a little "party" time in so I guess that's not too bad of an excuse, but I still didn't have any plan going. I suppose it's better late than never but it is awfully embarrassing. I don't know what the plan should be now though. I don't want to be stuck at home for 4 more years for school, and this part is especially my fault but there really are no trades that I find practical or likeable. I really like my current job, the work and the people. But yeah, it doesn't pay well and won't unless I get promoted but is hard to say how many uears that could be.

Come up with your plan before you move out.  Living on your own (with roommates likely), making $11/hour with no plan is still going to be a little sad and pathetic, and not attractive.

mm1970

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #29 on: July 21, 2017, 01:45:34 PM »
25 isn't so old that you should necessarily have it all figured out. 

First off, you can't afford to move out.
Second, you can afford to pay your parents rent.
Third, yes, you do need a goal of some sort.  What should it be?

You need to make more money.  But you also need to realize that money is a means to an end (independence), and fuck it if you like the job or not.  It's called WORK for a reason.  This whole idea that came up back when I was in college that you have to LOVE your job and be DEFINED by your job is bullshit.  I mean, it's best for your mental health if you are in a career/ job that you like.  But it's perfectly fine if you are in a job that you are "meh" about, as long as you don't hate it.

So, talk to people at work about how to get promoted and get a raise.  What would a promotion look like?  Do you have the skills to do that job?  Do you have the interest in doing that job? 

Some of the stuff that I do I like.  Some of it I have skills for, but I don't like.  It's the nature of work.


I find it interesting though.  I grew up with the same idea, that you should be independent.  It's the way things were when I was getting out of HS.  Thought it was weird when my brother moved home after the Air Force. 

Now that I'm much older, I don't think it's a big deal.  One of my engineers lived with his parents (his sister did too), until mid- to- late 20s.  He was saving BANK by doing that.  He was an adult.  It was fine.  My nephew is 24 and still lives at home, has a full time job.  I mean, why not?  He does household chores and such.

Miss Piggy

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #30 on: July 21, 2017, 02:08:06 PM »
How about making a list of all the things you like about your current job?

Next, look at that list and find those "likes" that you could also enjoy at higher-paying jobs.

I agree with the others here...the living at home part isn't embarrassing. Stop judging yourself on that. But you do need a plan so you're not having this same conversation 5 years from now. A LOT can change in 5 years if you have a vision/plan for yourself.

Mr.GrowingMustache

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #31 on: July 21, 2017, 02:23:21 PM »

My parents are elderly (I was adopted) they love having me live there. They will be happy as long as I'm happy, they're awesome. I help them out where I can, although they don't need any financial support.

Stay at home untill you can afford to move out.

I started dating my wife at 25 (and so was she). She lived at home, had some ridiculous cufew, and was 80 miles away. After a few years we moved in together, got married, had a kid...

I would probably advise to focus on earning more $$.

Pick a worthwhile degree/profession, finish school, get a job, and meet some cool new smart people that wont judge you for some dumb stuff.

galliver

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #32 on: July 21, 2017, 02:35:43 PM »
More travel job ideas: https://www.thepennyhoarder.com/jobs-making-money/10-best-travel-jobs/  (Personally, I wouldn't go the truck driver route, though. Driverless vehicles *are* coming.)

tj

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #33 on: July 21, 2017, 02:52:12 PM »
I think if you have to live on your own in order to not be single, then you're looking for the wrong partner, or looking in the wrong places. I'd much prefer to be married to someone financially responsible than someone spendy who is looking to impress their friends with money. Btw, I'm only 31.

I know, but because of the stigma of living at home, I don't have the confidence to look for a partner because I don't know why a good potential person would choose the loser who lives with mommy and daddy over the independant person who's apartment they can actually go to.

It seems like that's all in your head to me. I've dated women who lived at home. I thought they were smart to do so.

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #34 on: July 21, 2017, 04:50:58 PM »
As others have mentioned, I sense that it's the anxiety and toxic shame that you're carrying that is causing you trouble in the dating world. This won't be fixed by adding the financial stress of moving out, as I think you already know.

Maybe you're ADD too, and don't have the natural disposition for making lots of long term plans and goals? (I am, and I don't, and that's OK) If that condition is holding you back in life, there is professional mental help out there ...  Pot can be great fun, but my psychologist has cautioned that long-term daily use can mimic or exacerbate the symptoms of ADD.

If you're working full time, even at $11/hr, after-tax you should have about $1200/month or 14400/year at your disposal. I eat well and have a decent apartment with a roomate and spend about $16.5K/yr. What is your current savings rate? I hope you're saving at least 50% if you're living rent-free. That's $7200/yr! Compounding at 6%, if you'd been saving since 20, you'd have $43k! Save at that rate for 10 years and you'll have $100K!

Lots of us feel like we wasted time or screwed up in our 20's and that's just part of life, but we get on with it one way or another so you probably wont find a lot of sympathy here for excusitis. 
Suggested reading: http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2011/05/28/weekend-edition-the-magic-of-thinking-big/

Good luck and keep us posted!

StudentEngineer

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #35 on: July 21, 2017, 05:00:28 PM »
Super impressed with this forum and all the helpful replies.  You would do very well to listen to the multitude of people that took their time to reply to your concerns.

Honestly the biggest thing is not letting society pressure you into a certain route of life, if you can chart your own path you'll be much happier.  Heck thats what 80% of all this FIRE stuff is, taking a different look at things. Good luck!

rubybeth

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #36 on: July 21, 2017, 05:14:41 PM »
I lived mostly with my parents until a month before I got married. Social stigma be darned, it helped save me a ton of money, and, like you, my parents liked having me there and I mostly enjoyed living with them, too. I will probably never regret spending more time with my aging parents, you know? Time is one thing you can't get back.

I will also add that my now-husband was also living back at home when we started dating. We were both figuring things out, working lower paying jobs, and deciding what to do with our futures. It's pretty normal these days to be 25 and still working on yourself.

I think you've received other good advice, as well. I guess I'd ask what it is you like about your current job--maybe there's a way to do more of that, but in a different position that will earn you more and give you more flexibility, even if you do continue to live with family.

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #37 on: July 21, 2017, 05:15:23 PM »
You realize there are thousands of places all over the world which will offer room and board in exchange for work?

25?   Youre still a kid for those of us who have kids, mortgages, spouses, ect.       

safiel

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #38 on: July 21, 2017, 06:55:29 PM »
This thread reminded me a bit of an old ted talk I watched a few years ago:
https://www.ted.com/talks/meg_jay_why_30_is_not_the_new_20

The whole thing is a good watch, but if nothing else start at the 9:50 mark.  The main thing that I always think back to is her first point - moving your life in a direction which adds value to you, starting today!   

She also speaks about breaking away from your urban tribe of like minded individuals.  This isn't advice I'd give to everyone, since your social circle has the potential to teach and uplift you... However, based on this thread, branching out might be exactly what you need.

Zikoris

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #39 on: July 21, 2017, 07:24:49 PM »
If I were you, yeah, I'd move out. I'm 30 and have been on my own since 18, when I moved across the country with $1,000 and no job. You can figure out ways to make things work. Might be a bit tough at first, but I think a bit of struggle is well worth the life experience.

When I was 25, I had a decent job, my own nice apartment, a growing 'stash, and a comfortable lifestyle that included regular international travel. I would not have been interested in dating someone the same age who had seemingly not done much in their life.

ixtap

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #40 on: July 21, 2017, 07:27:38 PM »
I think if you have to live on your own in order to not be single, then you're looking for the wrong partner, or looking in the wrong places. I'd much prefer to be married to someone financially responsible than someone spendy who is looking to impress their friends with money. Btw, I'm only 31.

I know, but because of the stigma of living at home, I don't have the confidence to look for a partner because I don't know why a good potential person would choose the loser who lives with mommy and daddy over the independant person who's apartment they can actually go to.

As someone who is male, 25, and single, I don't think it is a big deal to be living with your parents if you are female. Most guys (myself included) wouldn't really care. I have dated people who lived at home before and if we wanted privacy, she would just come to my place.

That being said, I think you should focus on getting a higher paying job first though.

I do appriciate that, however I'm also interested in dating girls and they're a little (or a lot) pickier and I had this perfect girl say "oh, I'm looking for someone who's a little more established in life" I think her rejection is what really kick started this worry.

All that takes is being able to say that you are living with your parents to enjoy time with them and save up for X. The trick is having an actual X.

The only goal you have stated is to find a good woman. Do you have any other ambitions? Have you asked about how to move up where you are? Have you looked into becoming a flight attendant? Greyhound? Amtrak? Hotel industry? Side job at a ski resort during the season? Can you cook?

Even if your hidden goal is to find someone to support you, you ate going to have to keep yourself busy in the meantime.

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #41 on: July 21, 2017, 08:11:58 PM »
Neon:

You're thinking in negative circles.  Right now, you are in a safe and stable environment, the one thing that it lacks is your independence.  Therefore make a plan to learn or train or hustle or (whatever adjective) a new career path that will put you onto a path to earn more in the future.  If you are someone staying at home while your work towards something, you will be more confident and appealing.  And to be honest, someone living at home while saving and working towards something better is not the same thing as someone staying at home paralyzed to move forward.  It's not the living at home part that people might judge you for.

Don't you think it's rather sad and pathetic to not already have a plan, or not already be several steps into a plan? I spent my time doing some modest traveling and getting a little "party" time in so I guess that's not too bad of an excuse, but I still didn't have any plan going. I suppose it's better late than never but it is awfully embarrassing. I don't know what the plan should be now though. I don't want to be stuck at home for 4 more years for school, and this part is especially my fault but there really are no trades that I find practical or likeable. I really like my current job, the work and the people. But yeah, it doesn't pay well and won't unless I get promoted but is hard to say how many uears that could be.

Whoa no.  Plans are not these fixed ridged things.  You make and revise plans are you go along, you just need to have a sort of mental map of "I think I want to be in something like 'X' in 5 years".  Then you figure out some of the steps to take to move in that direction.  You'll learn new things, and get new perspective, then you might be thinking in a year or two "I'd rather be 'Y' in 5 years", so then started working on some of those steps. 

And there are multiple layers of plans.  Plans for money, plans for interests, plans for romance, etc.  Like other's have said, college is not an answer.  You like your field, then you need to start looking at people who make more money within that field.  Start figuring out how they got there, what little steps can you do to get there.  Hard work and confidence gets you pretty far.

I'm not the best reference (Masters degree math-loving STEM type).  But I can say, in my previous line of work, the higher paid people where not the MS & PhD's, it was the experienced field people with real-world know-how. 

And p.s.  I'm 42 and am in the middle of a major revision of my plans for the future.  It's no big deal to not really "know",  you just need to make a decision and start on a path and have the confidence to learn and move forward.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I really do appreciate it. If I were honest about what I REALLY want to do.. I want to travel the world, make an anime, and do scientific research. However, none of those things are even remotely practical and absolutely will not pay well except for maybe scientist. Other than that I just want to have a job I like, have good times and fun, worthwhile experiences with good people. In that case, I reached my goal already and I'd be perfectly happy except for I'm getting too old to live that way. So I guess I just don't know. The people in my field just went from floor person, to supervisor, to manager. I could almost definitely do that, but having a career goal be "supervisor then manager!" is nothing I'd want to admit to anybody, especially not a date. Thanks for your help, I really hope your major life revision goes great for you.

NeonOctopus

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #42 on: July 21, 2017, 08:39:31 PM »
I know, but because of the stigma of living at home, I don't have the confidence to look for a partner because I don't know why a good potential person would choose the loser who lives with mommy and daddy over the independant person who's apartment they can actually go to.
Confidence has nothing to do with living on your own.   

And to be honest, someone living at home while saving and working towards something better is not the same thing as someone staying at home paralyzed to move forward.  It's not the living at home part that people might judge you for.
Bingo.  I don't think the problem is living at home.  The problem is being 6-7 years out of high school and not having moved forward in that time.  Plenty of people don't get a good start right out of high school, but anyone can wake up and say, "It's time for me to do better". 

I don't want to live that way, but the negative looks and reactions and "well I actually have to pay my way with no help" in a proud tone is just shitty to deal with all the time. All those people feel like they're better than me because they don't live at home and according to American culture they're right. It's a lot of embarrassment, so I want to at least be respected by my peers.
No, they're not right. You're sensitive to this subject, and you're allowing yourself to feel embarrassed about it.  Is this embarrassment so bad that you're willing to live in what you describe as a horrible and unsafe apartment?  Keep in mind that the average American is deeply in debt, so a lot of those "I pay my way with no help" people are shuffling credit cards to make it through the month.  No respect for that. 

You won't find a lot of people on this board who are much concerned with what other people think of them. 

Personally, I wouldn't be happy with a 25 y.o. college dropout working at a cannabis dispensary who's making no plans for the future living with me for free.  YMMV.
I agree.  I've told my kids that they're welcome to live with me forever ... but it has to be because they WANT to, not because they HAVE TO.  My 23-year old and spouse have professional jobs and a house, so they're not likely to move back in with me; however, when my 20-year old finishes college next year, she probably will return home ... she's thinking of starting her professional life living with us, and she's interested in saving /investing in a couple duplexes to give her some rental income, and when she's ready, she could move into one of those.  But I would not finance a child who didn't have a plan for moving forward in life.

Don't you think it's rather sad and pathetic to not already have a plan, or not already be several steps into a plan? I spent my time doing some modest traveling and getting a little "party" time in so I guess that's not too bad of an excuse, but I still didn't have any plan going. I suppose it's better late than never but it is awfully embarrassing. I don't know what the plan should be now though. I don't want to be stuck at home for 4 more years for school, and this part is especially my fault but there really are no trades that I find practical or likeable. I really like my current job, the work and the people. But yeah, it doesn't pay well and won't unless I get promoted but is hard to say how many uears that could be.
Honestly, yes, but what's done is done.  You can't get those years back, and maybe your peer group has moved on /is doing more ... but it's 100% your choice to remain in this situation.  What you really need is a goal for the future -- that, not an apartment -- is what's missing from your life.  You said it yourself:  Better late than never. 

You say you aren't aware of any trades that interest you.  I'll throw this out:  A great number of high-paying jobs exist in the medical field.  You could be a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) a month from now, and this would allow you a low-level job in a hospital or nursing home.  From there, you could see other jobs that are achievable within two years -- radiology, pharm tech, even RN at a community college.  The CNA would be a very low "investment" towards seeing what's available. 

Or look into Job Corps.  It's for high school grads who just don't have a lot of job skills or direction. 

Or consider a stint in the military.  It'd take you out of your current situation and would provide you with some educational benefits for the future (and some other nice benefits too like medical and help buying a house). 

Or go back to college.  You have plenty of time to sign up for classes that begin in mid-August, and you don't need to know what degree you want in your first year ... that'd give you time to consider what you want to do. 

If you were working towards something other than a retail job in the drug field, you'd probably feel better about living at home.

I'll have you know, I am damn proud to be working in the cannabis industry. And anybody who knows any actual truth about cannabis knows why (forget all the "stoner" stereo types, those were made up because somebody hated Mexicans 80 years ago). And, not to get too off topic but, as someone who's under weight from lack of eating (anxiety crushes my appetite and I get a looot of anxiety.) Cannabis really helps with both those problems and the other good news is, thanks to the tips I make and my employee discount, the cannabis doesn't even cut into my regular pay check ;P (however, the munchies definitely does cut into my pay check so- it's not perfect Lol)

aaaanywayy...

Thanks for your advice, I have no idea what I want to do as a goal. I will not join the military so long as that buffoon is in office (or if the republican party is in control at all, actually). Besides, a country that allows its vets to become emotionally broken, disabled hobos is no country worth my time; "Hey, thanks for your service! Now fuck off I don't want to pay for/deal with you." - America. For clarity, I have high admiration and gratitude toward those who have served and continue to serve, I'm just too disgusted with the nation/system to want to have any more to do with it. This job I have now is new, I've been wanting to find a volunteer opportunity maybe I will volunteer to help veterans once my schedule calms down. That will make me somewhat more worth while for a little bit. Thanks for the inspiration!

I did graduate from job corps, that's how I learned that if I were to do a manual labor job I'd probably suffer like I did those two years. I admire anybody who enjoys/is capable of doing those tough jobs. Of course, let's face it, it's way easier for guys.

I can't stand touching people (or the sights/smells of bodily.. anything), so I could be a medical transcripter or whatever that is. That sounds awfully boring though.. I'll save that as a last resort when I'm 30 and making the same post (hopefully that won't happen though).

Well thanks again! I'm sure I'll figure something out.

NeonOctopus

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #43 on: July 21, 2017, 08:42:48 PM »
Super impressed with this forum and all the helpful replies.  You would do very well to listen to the multitude of people that took their time to reply to your concerns.

Honestly the biggest thing is not letting society pressure you into a certain route of life, if you can chart your own path you'll be much happier.  Heck thats what 80% of all this FIRE stuff is, taking a different look at things. Good luck!

You're absolutely right and I want to respond to each and every person. However, there are A LOT of replies I may have to do some tomorrow. Sorry everybody I really am appreciative and I want to get to all of you just give me a minute! thanks!

(not a literal minute, that's an expression meaning 'as soon as I can make it happen' or 'wow that was a long time ago')

NeonOctopus

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #44 on: July 21, 2017, 09:05:08 PM »
If I were you, yeah, I'd move out. I'm 30 and have been on my own since 18, when I moved across the country with $1,000 and no job. You can figure out ways to make things work. Might be a bit tough at first, but I think a bit of struggle is well worth the life experience.

When I was 25, I had a decent job, my own nice apartment, a growing 'stash, and a comfortable lifestyle that included regular international travel. I would not have been interested in dating someone the same age who had seemingly not done much in their life.

That's where I want to be. The fact that my life hasn't gone like yours has just makes me so angry and disappointed. When I was a kid I wanted life to be amazing like yours, but it turns out I was too stupid/lazy/spoiled for that. I don't even know where to go from here, obviously it's too late to be where you are until I'm middle aged. But the fact that I couldn't even manage half of that before middle age- I'll never forgive myself for that. It's lowly and pathetic and nothing I can ever do will change that or make up for it. I guess the real problem is accepting that and moving on, finding a way to be OK with it. It's just scary because the people I've known, that I know now, and will ever meet I'll have to admit just how stupid my life is/was and it's always going sound just as pathetic as it is. Maybe the goal (everyone's been saying I need a goal) for now should be to accept that so I can move on.

Thanks again for your reply, I do appreciate it.

dismalscience

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// , Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #45 on: July 21, 2017, 09:23:46 PM »
  // , I think you have chosen the correct forum to get answers that will respect your intellectual autonomy. Another such forum I would recommend: wayneandtamara.com (folksy, but they get to the point fairly fast and don't weasel-word you)

Just based on my own experience and taste, if you were male and had the goals that you say you do, I would agree that some kind of separate living space is worth pursuing.

However, you're female, and perhaps don't have the same implicit world and social context.

Also, perhaps more importantly, it seems from your posts that thy adoptive parents are very important to you, too.

Have you asked them what they think about this, in even a circumspect way?

I recently moved away from some people to whom I had become close, and I suspect that it affected them.

Zikoris

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #46 on: July 21, 2017, 09:54:40 PM »
If I were you, yeah, I'd move out. I'm 30 and have been on my own since 18, when I moved across the country with $1,000 and no job. You can figure out ways to make things work. Might be a bit tough at first, but I think a bit of struggle is well worth the life experience.

When I was 25, I had a decent job, my own nice apartment, a growing 'stash, and a comfortable lifestyle that included regular international travel. I would not have been interested in dating someone the same age who had seemingly not done much in their life.

That's where I want to be. The fact that my life hasn't gone like yours has just makes me so angry and disappointed. When I was a kid I wanted life to be amazing like yours, but it turns out I was too stupid/lazy/spoiled for that. I don't even know where to go from here, obviously it's too late to be where you are until I'm middle aged. But the fact that I couldn't even manage half of that before middle age- I'll never forgive myself for that. It's lowly and pathetic and nothing I can ever do will change that or make up for it. I guess the real problem is accepting that and moving on, finding a way to be OK with it. It's just scary because the people I've known, that I know now, and will ever meet I'll have to admit just how stupid my life is/was and it's always going sound just as pathetic as it is. Maybe the goal (everyone's been saying I need a goal) for now should be to accept that so I can move on.

Thanks again for your reply, I do appreciate it.

I think you could actually reverse your situation pretty quickly, for what it's worth. I was so broke when I first moved out at 18 that my diet consisted primarily of plain pasta and pancakes, and I made about $10/hour working part time. Living like that just sort of forces you to learn to be ultra-frugal, and then as soon as you start making more money, if you keep up the same habits you start building wealth pretty quickly.

From your writing, you seem like you could probably do some sort of admin work. That would probably be better paying than what you do now, and could give you room to grow if that's something you're interested in. Have you thought about looking into an administrative assistant or receptionist career? The barrier to entry is quite low - basic computer skills, presentable appearance, and a pleasant personality will get you in the door at most offices. If you were to learn some basic bookkeeping or higher-than-basic Microsoft Office, you would have extremely good chances, and you can generally learn those things for free online or from library books.

Cali Nonya

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #47 on: July 22, 2017, 01:36:29 PM »

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I really do appreciate it. If I were honest about what I REALLY want to do.. I want to travel the world, make an anime, and do scientific research. However, none of those things are even remotely practical and absolutely will not pay well except for maybe scientist. Other than that I just want to have a job I like, have good times and fun, worthwhile experiences with good people. In that case, I reached my goal already and I'd be perfectly happy except for I'm getting too old to live that way. So I guess I just don't know. The people in my field just went from floor person, to supervisor, to manager. I could almost definitely do that, but having a career goal be "supervisor then manager!" is nothing I'd want to admit to anybody, especially not a date. Thanks for your help, I really hope your major life revision goes great for you.

The best advice that I heard (wasn't even given directly to me); is that for a career you just need to do something that you are good at.  Work is just work, and the best thing is to be competent, earn a good living, and use that to support what you are passionate about.  If you try to make your passion your career, you will end up hating it, since it has now become work.  (And lets just be honest, work is not fun).

From everything you have said, it sound like business might be good field for you.  Not touchy-feely people, not slogging through a degree that might get you no-where.  I hope you find a good mentor, that can help a lot when you are young. 

Best of luck.  I know it won't feel like this yet, but the fact that you are thinking of these things, means that you are well on your way to moving forward.

Davids

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #48 on: July 22, 2017, 01:43:48 PM »
Stay at home until you can afford to move out. Try to obtain marketable skills. What are you passionate about? You do not need to go to college. Go to a trade school, learn to code, etc. You need to figure out what you want to do.

YoungInvestor

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Re: Should I move out of my parents house? 25/f
« Reply #49 on: July 22, 2017, 01:52:20 PM »
I'll be honest here and maybe less agreeable than other posters.

Honestly, I think the problem is not that you live with your parents. You are 25 and you make 11$ an hour AND you live with your parents AND you complain about society's expectations.

Unless for some reason you work for a charity that is your passion in life and you have a thrilling social life,it's not the best sales pitch. Why are you interesting? This is an answer you need to find for yourself. Then, living with your parents won't be a showstopper. Neither will making 11$ an hour.