Should I be upset with my spouse or is this normal?

[Cassie]

Of course you can complain-no big deal. However, I do think you both need counseling in order to sort things out before they fester. Most people who get divorced never thought they would or they stay together and are miserable. If things aren't worked out eventually neither of you will care enough to try.  Counseling is a good thing not a bad thing. 

[humbleMouse]

I hate it when people ask for advice on a public forum and complain "nobody answered the original question."

Everybody here is trying to help you.  You ask "is this normal?"

What kind of question is that?  Normal means different things to different people.  In my personal opinion being religious in 2016 is batshit insane - but its a free country so whatever.

If you want a free pass to complain that's usually what people have friends for or go to therapy sessions for.  I would highly suggest either option for you if you don't want to have your life blasted on a public personal finance forum. 

[mskyle]

Honestly, I think the kinds of problems you're describing are really normal, though also very undesirable. I get that these are hard conversations to have, but it's really important to talk about your life goals (individually and as a couple), ideally before you do anything un-take-backable like have kids. If you guys have different expectations about how you're going to share responsibility for your financial life as a family, that's a big deal and you need to talk about it.

You're in a difficult position because probably your relationship with your wife has been based around NOT having these kinds of difficult conversations, and if you want to start now with some Real Talk your wife may well feel like you're changing the rules. That's why couples' therapy might be a good option - structure and a neutral third party could really help out here!

[Allie]

My husband and I have a very similar arrangement to what you and your wife have on paper...he works for the money at a job he enjoys enough while I stay home with the kids, dream up grand plans, do some random projects in social services, and do the radical homemaking I enjoy while we squirrel away money to get out of the race by our early 40s.  We will probably have issues getting rid of our house in a few years and will be frustrated that we are saddled with the expense.  Young children have made our lives nuts for a couple years, but having a family is awesome.  We came to this arrangement through careful consideration and because my DH likes to take care of me and wanted to have support while he climbed through the ranks.

So, in response to your question, if you are comparing your situation to what I experience you shouldn't be upset.  In fact, it sounds almost perfect!

But, your question is flawed.  Your being upset or not upset should have nothing to do with whether or not your life is normal.  Nothing about my house is normal.  Nothing about this forum is normal.  That's why it's so awesome.  If you look around and think, "wow, this is perfectly normal!" You are doing something wrong.  That's when you should be upset.  :-)

[Miss Piggy]

I know you're trying to let this thread die, but I have some additional thoughts to share.

You're asking whether you should be upset. The reality is you already are. And yes, I believe that's okay.

You're asking whether what you've experienced is normal. I assume, based on the fact that you're asking, that it's not normal for you and your wife. (Alternatively, are things so new that you really don't have an established "normal" yet?)

Some questions to ponder:

- What is/are the real source(s) of your displeasure? The fact that you "had to" move? The 0% down payment? The less-than-smart job decision and subsequent job loss? The need to adjust your vision of the future because of all of this? The fact that you feel most/all of this was outside of your control? All of the above combined? Something else entirely?

- To what extent do you feel like this all boils down to a lack of communication or lack of approaching things as true partners? If this is true to a great extent, then I believe the suggestions for counseling are valid. Do you?

[big_owl]

So to answer your question....no that shit's not normal, at least in my experience, sounds like you should get some counseling.  Happy?

[stratozyck]

Its all moot now - I talked to my wife and I am trying to get a new and better job. I am interviewing for one soon that would be a 80% raise. One thing that really got to me with the move is putting my career on hold. I know I am top 10% in my career but on my team I have bottom 25% quality people getting 50% more pay than me. Being remote I don't have a negotiating leg to stand on.

All is well that ends well.

[BFGirl]

Its all moot now - I talked to my wife and I am trying to get a new and better job. I am interviewing for one soon that would be a 80% raise. One thing that really got to me with the move is putting my career on hold. I know I am top 10% in my career but on my team I have bottom 25% quality people getting 50% more pay than me. Being remote I don't have a negotiating leg to stand on.

All is well that ends well.

I am glad that you and your wife talked and that it seems to have worked out for you.  Best of luck!!

[FrugalFan]

Good luck!

[elaine amj]

Hope all goes well with u for the job hunt!


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[debbie does duncan]

Is this normal...is the wrong question to ask.
What is wrong with this......leads to a more open ended exploration.
 Karpman Drama Triangle , stop rescuing .

[Pigeon]

I'm kind of amazed at the number of people who think its OK for a man who gets his fiance/wife pregnant to demand that she immediately go back to work after having the baby and shirk his responsibility to provide for his family. I made sure my wife knew when she had our child that if she wanted to stay home, she could(and that going back to work was also totally OK).

I'm kind of amazed that in 2016 anyone thinks that women aren't equally responsible for the financial well being of their families because they happen to have ladybits.

I don't think anyone has an automatic right to be a SAHP.  If a couple agrees on it, wants to do it, and can swing it financially, fine.  That doesn't seem to be the case here.

OP, you seem to have a lot of issues in your marriage.  You don't seem to be able to communicate at all with your spouse as well as differing goals.  The two of you need to work on this together.  You seem to have contempt for her, which seldom ends well.  I think you could benefit from counseling.

I am a woman, and I would never support another able bodied person to be a SAHP, period.  So, I can understand where you are coming from with that.  My SIL is similar to your wife.  She's capable of working, but wanted to find a well paying dream job as an artist that wouldn't require her to work very hard.  She's not a good artist, and this fantasy job has never been dropped in her lap.  She has one kid who is now in college and hasn't worked a day since she got pregnant.  This would be a complete non-starter for me, and it has stressed my brother out a great deal.

You two need to find a mutually agreeable, realistic financial plan.

BTW, I tend to agree with you about consultants, yet I come across students in business schools who are allegedly being educated to become consultants upon graduation.  Go figure.

[RavensBrew]

This reminds me of a friend whose wife doesn't want to make love very often (3 or 4 times a year) and who isn't interested in changing. I feel for him. I also think you either have to accept that that is the way it's going to be and if you can't there's no point in sticking around. I know that's extremely harsh but is it worth being angry at each other for the rest of your life? And if you accept it, REALLY accept it. I have another friend who got married a 2nd time when he was 40. She was about 10 years younger and they both had good careers. He told me after his first wife he didn't want to be in a situation where he was the breadwinner. First thing that happened when she had her baby? "I'm going to take more than 3 months off." It's now been a couple of years and he has come to terms with it but he talks about "when she goes back to work." Your scenario is TERRIFYING to me. I dated my SO for 5 years before we lived together and we left no stone unturned. We still have issues (15 years now) but we're on the same page, and always have been, where our future plans are concerned. Not wanting kids takes a lot of stress off too.

Good luck!

[JCfire]

OP, you have brought up separate issues and conflated them into one, clouding things a bit.  Here is what I would say about the issues separately:
(1)  While you were engaged, before you were married, she took a risk on what she considered her dream job.  You thought it was a bad decision but said nothing.  She stopped getting paid within 2 months.  Afterwards you married her.  This issue is closed and inadmissible.  She may not have had the best judgment, but neither did you, and you don't get to say "told you so" unless you actually told her so. 

(2)  You two got pregnant and she wants to be a SAHM.  This is one of those issues that you should have discussed before getting married.  Did you discuss it and she changed her mind, or did she just not discuss it?  Either way, this needs to be a joint decision -- she cannot dictate, you cannot dictate, you guys need to keep discussing it until you agree on a solution or there is a total impasse, and an impasse means the end of your marriage.  For some reason people earlier in the thread have confused joint decision with the man dictating things.

(3)  Should you take two vacations and see her family?  Sounds like a budgeting decision.  You have a household income and household expenses and must make joint decisions about them.  She should not be able to dictate, neither should you.  If the decision on expenses is tangled up with who brings home the bacon in your household, you're going to have a bad time.  If you don't talk about joint decisions in a transparent and mutually open minded way, you're going to have a bad time.  I think you'll get the hang of it.

[mpcharles]

I would have left her ages ago. Sorry she does seem rather delusional and lacking a base intelligence. But you are the meal ticket now. Be a man and dominate your house, your woman and lead your family.

That way no more fairyland journeys.



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[2Birds1Stone]

How would she feel about you being the SAHP?

 Just based on your posts in this thread this sounds far off from a "match made in heaven". Catholic or not you have to be compatible to be happy with them till death. While you were "friends for 8 years" I am not sure a friendship and marriage are quite the same.

I wish you luck in your marriage and finances, if it were me I would encourage her to find some sort of part time work from home so you are not footing the entire bill.

[jzb11]

read this:

http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1461175241&sr=8-1&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy

[mozar]

Rhetorical question: is it OK to complain in a forum/ website built around the idea that people should get off their asses and stop being a complainy-pants?