Author Topic: Should I "divorce" a big spender?  (Read 15418 times)

Banyan_FL

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Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« on: May 17, 2013, 07:14:57 AM »
I put divorce in quotes, because we are not married, but have been together for 11 years.  Problem being my partner has not worked in over a year, and is somewhat high maintenance.  He refuses to work for a living, although he will be getting his real-estate licence soon ( we moved to a new state last year, and his licence was not transferable) But he has a hefty spending appetite. Needs to live in high end apartments, and likes to go out every weekend dropping $100 on beer and dinner. We have cut back a lot, but he doesn't have a real commitment to frugality. He does have 2 pension funds that he can collect in 16 years when he hits retirement age, and I will be left them when he is gone. But I'm not sure if that will make up for the lack of savings now. The last 2 years he worked in real-estate, he earned less than a minimum wage salary for the the year, so I'm not too optimistic about this next endeavor either. Would I be better off to just go out on my own. I feel bad about "abandoning" him with no job and money, but the stress of living paycheck to paycheck with no savings is not fun to deal with every day. It would be different if I actually felt appreciated, but all I get is complaints, that I don't earn enough for him to go out and have a social life, and how miserable he is.  Plus although he is able bodied, I still have to do the shopping and laundry and a lot of cleaning, or it will not get done. 

gdborton

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #1 on: May 17, 2013, 07:23:43 AM »
Quote
I feel bad about "abandoning" him with no job and money

It's up to the individual to financially secure enough to make it on their own.

By the way that you phrased your question, and the information that you gave us, I'm fairly certain you already know what path you are going to take.  If you're looking for a approval, you have it. Drop the succubus like it's hot.

Spork

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2013, 07:39:46 AM »

I'm sure there's more emotion and history tied up here than you could possibly plop down in a paragraph.  One rule of thumb though is that if you've gotten to the point where you're asking if you should dump him, you've probably already decided that you should.   In a normal relationship, that question just doesn't come up.

James

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #3 on: May 17, 2013, 07:47:21 AM »
If you are conflicted then it's not just about what the decision is, it's being comfortable and living with yourself and your situation after the decision. My advice is to spend a little money on a counselor. A counselor should know what questions to ask and be able to challenge you in areas that might not be obvious to us internet forum people. Maybe you have a parent or friend who can be that person, but they will all come with a bias of some sort. Often the just act of talking it all out verbally, not just in your head, will help you find your decision and be comfortable with it. Also, make sure you prepare your situation and find out implications before starting into anything. Are any assets tied together? Joint accounts or CC? Protect yourself without assuming you will need the extra precautions.


You are certainly correct that it needs figuring out, and should be address soon.

Use it up, wear it out...

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #4 on: May 17, 2013, 08:12:13 AM »
If you are conflicted then it's not just about what the decision is, it's being comfortable and living with yourself and your situation after the decision. My advice is to spend a little money on a counselor. A counselor should know what questions to ask and be able to challenge you in areas that might not be obvious to us internet forum people. Maybe you have a parent or friend who can be that person, but they will all come with a bias of some sort. Often the just act of talking it all out verbally, not just in your head, will help you find your decision and be comfortable with it. Also, make sure you prepare your situation and find out implications before starting into anything. Are any assets tied together? Joint accounts or CC? Protect yourself without assuming you will need the extra precautions.


You are certainly correct that it needs figuring out, and should be address soon.

+1

Sacadoh

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #5 on: May 17, 2013, 08:15:31 AM »
Head v's heart question. Follow your heart on this one!

MorningCoffee

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #6 on: May 17, 2013, 08:25:31 AM »
I think it's also important for you to look into the financial and legal side of things so you're well informed. I'm not sure what the rules are where you live, but depending on your living arrangements, here you could be considered "common law", meaning a lot of the married laws apply, including those regarding spousal support.

It shouldn't change your decision, but it's important you have all the facts and avoid surprises.

tooqk4u22

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #7 on: May 17, 2013, 08:31:54 AM »
He refuses to work for a living, although he will be getting his real-estate licence soon ( we moved to a new state last year, and his licence was not transferable) But he has a hefty spending appetite. Needs to live in high end apartments, and likes to go out every weekend dropping $100 on beer and dinner.

I feel bad about "abandoning" him with no job and money,

It would be different if I actually felt appreciated, but all I get is complaints, that I don't earn enough for him to go out and have a social life, and how miserable he is.  Plus although he is able bodied, I still have to do the shopping and laundry and a lot of cleaning, or it will not get done.

You need do some soul searching on this but to me it sounds like he is a child and you are his mother....if the relationship stands a chance this needs to change. 

If it is to end then don't act too fast to be sure that your financial ducks are in a row and you have an escape plan.

totoro

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #8 on: May 17, 2013, 08:36:15 AM »
Do you have any children together?

mustachecat

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #9 on: May 17, 2013, 08:39:54 AM »
Some great advice here, but please don't crowdsource your decision to end an 11-year relationship. I'll echo James' suggestion to seek out a professional who specializes in relationship counseling.

Good luck, and please take care of yourself whatever you decide.

Banyan_FL

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #10 on: May 17, 2013, 08:50:46 AM »
No children just 4 cats. We are 2 guys, so don't have to worry about spousal support laws. I may hold off judgment until he is working again. Then see if he spends more or is able to commit to paying off debt and saving.  But thanks for the advise. I somewhat understand why he can not work a regular job, because he is Diabetic and is prone to fits of rage ( blood sugar fluctuations), and he has made impressive strides in changing his diet in the last month, I just hope to see the improvements continue.  I will probably have to get a second job, and he is already upset that I am not social enough at home (probably because I'm on the phone all day), we really need a social outlet that is inexpensive, but none of my suggestions have stuck.

ace1224

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #11 on: May 17, 2013, 08:53:55 AM »
Head v's heart question. Follow your heart on this one!
+1

totoro

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #12 on: May 17, 2013, 09:12:00 AM »
Things are a bit easier without children who will be impacted by the decision.

I think you may not be really clear on what you what from a relationship and life.  I think doing a vision board, even though you might perceive it as a bit silly, is really easy and a practical first step.

Get a big piece of poster paper and write down what your ideal life is like in the area of relationship, friends, health, work/retirement, finances and anything else important - id the highest priorities.  Some people add pictures to represent their dream house, lifestyle, events, feelings... or just use pictures and no writing or, in my case, mostly writing and no pictures.

The value of the vision board for some people is that it helps them focus on goals and they put it in a prominent place where they can see it everyday.  The value for you may be to identify what you really want and whether this will happen in your current relationship.

Sorry you are going through this, keep trying to make some progress and I agree counselling is a good idea.

jrhampt

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #13 on: May 17, 2013, 09:47:38 AM »
Plus although he is able bodied, I still have to do the shopping and laundry and a lot of cleaning, or it will not get done.

This is what I consider the most inexcusable bit that needs to be addressed.  Have you discussed this issue with him?  If resentment builds up on too many fronts, the relationship will not survive.

Joet

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #14 on: May 17, 2013, 10:53:27 AM »
isnt an easier solution seperate accounts? if he has access to your $$$.... why?

Isn't breaking up/divorcing a seperate issue from the former?

Another Reader

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #15 on: May 17, 2013, 10:57:22 AM »
The rage is inexcusable.  Blood sugar is controllable, so is the anger.  I would get out immediately if this does not stop. 

Iron Mike Sharpe

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #16 on: May 17, 2013, 11:05:05 AM »
It would be different if I actually felt appreciated, but all I get is complaints, that I don't earn enough for him to go out and have a social life, and how miserable he is.

Sounds like all his lazy ass wants is a sugar daddy.  Run.  Run far away.

totoro

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #17 on: May 17, 2013, 11:06:59 AM »
I just reread your two posts and my thought was, other than the guilt of leaving now and length of relationship, what is keeping you in place?  Doesn't seem to have any real positives.

hybrid

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #18 on: May 17, 2013, 01:39:33 PM »
I've done marriage counseling a fair bit myself and we're still married 27 years later.  A good counselor is money well spent - but frankly it seems like it is your partner that needs it far more than you do, you are the one about to walk and have the means to do so. 

Though, from what little I've gathered, I am far from optimistic counseling will help here.  Change can be hard, and it does not seem like your partner really wants to change(?)  You need and deserve an equal, not a dependent with lots of built in reasons excuses for being one.

Your partner will have to make the majority of the changes for this to work IMO.  It's time for him to step up or step aside.  You simply need to discover if you are willing and able to give him one last chance.  Good luck, I wish you both well. 

madgeylou

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #19 on: May 17, 2013, 02:17:22 PM »
i've learned from experience that, as soon as you start thinking, "i can't leave this person, how will they make it without me?" ... your relationship is pretty much already dead.

i join others in wondering why you are there at all? helping each other out during tough times is one thing -- one partner providing 100% of the money and doing 100% of the chores is another. it's got to be give and take, not just take and take.

Adventine

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #20 on: May 17, 2013, 08:50:21 PM »
i've learned from experience that, as soon as you start thinking, "i can't leave this person, how will they make it without me?" ... your relationship is pretty much already dead.

I have been there too. Four years in a relationship with someone who essentially wanted a replacement mother. It took a while for me to break things off permanently.

But that is something only the OP can decide for himself (hopefully after he gets some professional counseling).

totoro

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #21 on: May 17, 2013, 08:55:28 PM »
I've been thinking about this situation today.  I wanted to say take care of yourself.  That doesn't mean "being selfish", it just means making sure you know yourself and what you need for happiness.

lizzigee

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #22 on: May 17, 2013, 09:33:02 PM »

Why are you with him -I can see what's in it for him, but what are you getting out of this relationship?  If you had just met him today and had no past history, is there something about him that would appeal to you long term?  Only you can decide if whatever 'pros' there are for you outweigh the 'cons'. Best wishes whatever you decide.

limeandpepper

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #23 on: May 17, 2013, 09:55:29 PM »
I feel bad about "abandoning" him with no job and money

If that is the only reason you are staying, then I'd probably advise leaving.

little_owl

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #24 on: May 18, 2013, 05:27:11 AM »

Why are you with him -I can see what's in it for him, but what are you getting out of this relationship?  If you had just met him today and had no past history, is there something about him that would appeal to you long term?  Only you can decide if whatever 'pros' there are for you outweigh the 'cons'. Best wishes whatever you decide.

This.

Banyan_FL, read your post (at the very top) and try to read it objectively.

And, ask yourself:
Why is it work being partnered with someone who isn't acting as a partner?

Money isn't what life is all about, but having someone who is a partner - working together with you to live and experience life - is pretty damn important.  This person, despite how lovely they may be, sounds like an entitled user / consumer.

The good things about forums like these...they can provide some interesting objective perspective by taking the emotion and personal attachment / history out of the equation.  The theme in the responses above is "you'd be better off without..."

Good luck in whatever you choose to do!  The fact that you're even asking the question is awesome.

Saving mom

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #25 on: May 18, 2013, 07:24:17 AM »
I guess I will be the contrarian. I definitely think counseling is in order for you as a couple and for both individually. I think your partner may be depressed. It doesn't sound like he is helping his situation out much. But I would say do you feel like his actions are the way he has always been or are they different than the person you first fell in love with? If he won't get help and is not managing his diabetes, then yes I would ultimately recommend breaking it off but I would try to see if your partner needs other help.

pbkmaine

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #26 on: May 18, 2013, 08:08:45 PM »
Counseling! Went intensively with my ex for about six months. Although it did not save the marriage, it helped us both to understand what had happened and why. Best money I ever spent.

Crabricorn

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #27 on: May 19, 2013, 12:05:51 AM »
I agree with the posters who are urging counseling. You might have regrets/questions if you end it without seeking help. Eleven years is a long time to spend together, and I'm sure there were good reasons why you fell in love in the first place. Counseling is not a cure-all, necessarily, but it can sure help you gain clarity. Also, his anger may be due to diabetes, but many men who present with anger actually have clinical depression. A counselor could help assess and treat this. Ending a long relationship is tough no matter how you cut it. I wish you the best of luck!

Faraday

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #28 on: May 19, 2013, 01:16:25 AM »
The situation you find yourself in is an emergency and needs to be treated as such. Don't put it off - deal with it until you reach a resolution that enhances both your sense of self-worth and your savings account.

The good news is, you don't have to do anything drastic to start dealing with it. In fact, writing to this forum was a good step: you must have read your post over and over, editing out any hostile or emotional words, fine-tuning it until you homed in on exactly what you wanted to say. 

Now, go back and re-read your original post, today. Sense how it feels to read what you wrote, and double-check it against how you feel today, or tomorrow, or the next day.

Second thing: get some space, if only for a little while. Go SOMEWHERE, do SOMETHING by yourself. Make a quick trip home to see mom/dad. Go to an alumni gathering.

Third thing, think about the future. If partner isn't taking care of his Diabetes and he starts to have health problems, that's going to destroy his ability to earn a living and it's going to require dramatic increases in your commitment to the relationship to deal with it.


Good luck and God Bless.
« Last Edit: January 03, 2015, 10:42:06 PM by mefla »

LizzyBee

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #29 on: May 19, 2013, 09:58:35 PM »
Second thing: get some space, if only for a little while. Go SOMEWHERE, do SOMETHING by yourself. Make a quick trip home to see mom/dad. Go to an alumni gathering. Go do a sport you enjoy (and do all the time) or one you enjoy that you've not done in a long time. This will do two things: it will ease your stress and give your mind a chance to start thinking analytically. Secondly, it will allow your partner's "relationship batteries" to charge up a little bit. You might be surprised how much a little less availability will help.

Yes! A little less availability (both physical and financial) is probably necessary. If you want to test the waters, pull back on some of the financial support as well as the household chores that you do. You may be inadvertently giving your partner less incentive to pull his own weight. I don't think a partnership is always 50/50, but if the pendulum doesn't swing back and forth and you're always putting in more effort than your partner, you may want to ask yourself if you want/can live with that long term.


little_owl

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #30 on: May 20, 2013, 09:31:30 AM »
Banyan, keep us all posted - clearly we're rooting for you!!!

Faraday

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #31 on: January 03, 2015, 10:43:13 PM »
Hey - any updates? How's things going?

marty998

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #32 on: January 04, 2015, 03:57:13 AM »
OMG necro alert haha. Didn't see the dates at first.

For a moment I thought our old friend JoeT had returned. LOL that was a riot of fun.


Dicey

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #33 on: January 04, 2015, 04:07:48 PM »
A quick search shows nothing from OP anywhere else on the forum.
It would be nice to get an update, but it seems he's moved on. It would be great to learn the rest of the story...

Rubyist

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #34 on: January 04, 2015, 08:21:13 PM »

One rule of thumb though is that if you've gotten to the point where you're asking if you should dump him, you've probably already decided that you should.   In a normal relationship, that question just doesn't come up.

Could others weigh in on this statement? Do you agree, in general?

iwasjustwondering

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #35 on: January 04, 2015, 08:26:49 PM »

One rule of thumb though is that if you've gotten to the point where you're asking if you should dump him, you've probably already decided that you should.   In a normal relationship, that question just doesn't come up.

Could others weigh in on this statement? Do you agree, in general?

I totally agree.  In a normal relationship, maybe you get so annoyed or angry that you think about leaving.  But to pose it as a question to numerous outsiders shows that there is a real problem.  I tend to think any relationship being discussed in this way is already dead.

HappierAtHome

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #36 on: January 04, 2015, 08:28:52 PM »

One rule of thumb though is that if you've gotten to the point where you're asking if you should dump him, you've probably already decided that you should.   In a normal relationship, that question just doesn't come up.

Could others weigh in on this statement? Do you agree, in general?

I do agree with that statement. Anytime I've honestly thought, you know what, maybe I should dump this guy, that's been a sure sign that it's gone downhill so far there's no recovery. Asking a loved one whether I should break up with someone means that it's definitely all over except the formalities.

(For the record, I do think that in a good relationship there are issues that need to be worked on, but that in a healthy relationship these are addressed before the point where you're considering leaving).

mozar

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #37 on: January 04, 2015, 08:56:03 PM »
The original post was from 1 year and a half ago! That's eons in internet time!

Faraday

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #38 on: January 04, 2015, 10:08:02 PM »

One rule of thumb though is that if you've gotten to the point where you're asking if you should dump him, you've probably already decided that you should.   In a normal relationship, that question just doesn't come up.

Could others weigh in on this statement? Do you agree, in general?

NOTE: My comments specifically do NOT apply to dysfunctional relationships involving abuse, alcohol, drugs or infidelity. RUN NOT WALK away from a relationship with those kinds of problems.

NO NO NO NO NO. I do not agree with this statement!

OF COURSE if a relationship is going well, you don't ask yourself this question. OF COURSE if a relationship is going through a time of stress, one asks themselves this question. There's nothing wrong with ASKING yourself the question and doing so is no "magic answer" that you should divorce or break up the relationship.  All you know for sure from asking it is that one or both of you are tired or irritated.

This man has been murdered in effigy here. That's just plain stupid. We are a bunch of strangers here to discuss money and not these two people and their relationship.

We've heard all kinds of crap about what a lousy guy "He" is, and maybe it's all true. And maybe the one here on MMM forums is a backstabbing biotch. No offense intended by that, but fact is, we here on the forums simply don't know enough to judge this thing right, and coming here to ask "should I divorce" is stupid to the point of being silly. Get to a therapist and make some progress on this. And in the meantime, figure out how you can TEAM with your SO, achieving SOME goal he might have, and SELL him on frugality as the means for achieving life goals, not eating cold oatmeal three times a day.

One other thing: Diabetes does not make one "prone to rage". It runs rampant in my family and has even killed two of us. But no one has raging fits from blood sugar issues. The solution to that problem is direct: adopt at least a Paleo diet and probably a Keto diet. (google it) Get that dangerous blood sugar under control and stop overeating carbs. That'll fix that problem.
« Last Edit: January 04, 2015, 10:18:12 PM by mefla »

marty998

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #39 on: January 05, 2015, 12:16:05 AM »

This man has been murdered in effigy here. That's just plain stupid. We are a bunch of strangers here to discuss money and not these two people and their relationship.

We've heard all kinds of crap about what a lousy guy "He" is, and maybe it's all true. And maybe the one here on MMM forums is a backstabbing biotch. No offense intended by that, but fact is, we here on the forums simply don't know enough to judge this thing right, and coming here to ask "should I divorce" is stupid to the point of being silly. Get to a therapist and make some progress on this. And in the meantime, figure out how you can TEAM with your SO, achieving SOME goal he might have, and SELL him on frugality as the means for achieving life goals, not eating cold oatmeal three times a day.


The problem with your perfectly valid line of reasoning is that we've been asked to make a judgement on their relationship. Rightly or wrongly he's come to us (albeit a year ago), and not the counsellor.

What would the forum be like if everyone replied to every thread "sorry but can't advise you on this because we don't know absolutely everything about you and your SO and all of your kids and dog and cat and horse and city and house and climate and the neighbours cousin's ex-wife's hairdresser*"???

Sorry for that extreme example, but whether we like it or not we all fall into the trap of making uninformed judgements. Have not found a part of society, internet or otherwise, where this does not occur

*Some people actually do provide this level of detail to enable us to reply in kind with a considered response. For that we thankyou :)
« Last Edit: January 05, 2015, 12:17:56 AM by marty998 »

rodrigojds

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #40 on: January 05, 2015, 05:48:29 AM »
I can't believe that there are still grown men who act the way he does!

DoNorth

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Re: Should I "divorce" a big spender?
« Reply #41 on: January 05, 2015, 06:18:30 AM »
you've already answered your own question.  The only questions you now have should be "when" and "how".