Having only one child

[powersln]

I know this is ultimately a very personal decision, but I would like some thoughts.   We are happy with only one child.  Having only one will make it much easier to FIRE.   However, everyone (including those who are only children) is saying that its very important for a kid to have a sibling.    I don't want to live with regret later thinking the only reason we did not have another was due to money.   

Has anyone else faced this dilemma?

[CarDude]

From a careful reading of your post, I wonder whether you actually want a second child but don't want to pay the financial penalty of having one or whether you don't actually want a second child and simply feel socially pressured to do so.

If you're in the first camp, not having a second is more likely to lead to regret. If you're in the second camp, having one is more likely to lead to regret. Figure that part out first (whether you really want one or not), and the second part (whether to have one or not) will be much easier.

[Mrs. Frugalwoods]

I loved having siblings growing up and I love having them as an adult, but the most critical aspect of my upbringing was my happy, loving parents. I think the sibling thing is secondary to parents who are content and supportive. I'm sure you can create a nurturing environment for your kid with or without a second and I don't think you should worry about "pressure" to do so, as CarSafetyGuy said.

[Ottawa]

There was a great discussion here: http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/mini-money-mustaches/parents-of-onlies-tell-me-how-it-is/?nowap about this topic.

[powersln]

Very good points, CarSafetyGuy.   Honestly we don't know which camp we're in.   I guess we have to figure that out.   Thanks for the replies.

[ace1224]

From a careful reading of your post, I wonder whether you actually want a second child but don't want to pay the financial penalty of having one or whether you don't actually want a second child and simply feel socially pressured to do so.

If you're in the first camp, not having a second is more likely to lead to regret. If you're in the second camp, having one is more likely to lead to regret. Figure that part out first (whether you really want one or not), and the second part (whether to have one or not) will be much easier.

what he said.  i have an only child.  he's going to stay an only child.  i don't really care what social pressures i feel, but i don't want a second child at all.  i figure he rather be an only child in a happy home, then have siblings and a terribly depressed mom.

[homeymomma]

I was an only child, and turned out just fine. :)
I want a ton of kids myself, because I love kids and would love a large family (not looking good right now as my second pregnancy is currently leveling me). The main thing I want to do when we are FIREd is help my kids with their own kids. Clearly I have a life theme. Lol
I think like you said you just have to decide which is a higher priority to you. Having two kids probably won't put you back that much, unless you're talking about more years out of the workforce for one parent). Even so, if you want more, a few years is a small price to pay.
On the other hand, if you only want more because you think you're supposed to ... Well honestly I've never heard of a worse reason to have a baby. The society/friends/family who are pressuring you aren't going to be the ones getting three hours of sleep a night for the next four years, are they??
Good luck in your decision. I honestly believe two kids can be raised as cheaply as one, at least until college rolls around. I also think only children have a wealth of advantages if the parents are both actively involved.

[MarciaB]

The good news is that you are going to love either decision (keep the only child, or have another). The bad news is that you are going to love either decision. Meaning, you win the coin toss either way. They are both great decisions and you'll pat yourself on the back later after having done either one of them.

Helpful? Nope!

I myself have only one child (she's now 26) and my husband and I (even though we both have siblings) were happy in the end that we limited our family to 1 child. But we thought and talked about a second child (or third or fourth) for about the first 8 years of our child's life.

We were fortunate to live next door to another family with 3 children, and our child just became the 4th child in that family, and those kids became like our own. So - that was a great mix of "having more kids" without having them. Perhaps you can intentionally create a situation like this for yourself? Or move closer to any cousins that your child has and allow them to become sibling-surrogates.

Keep us posted on your thinking and decision(s) as you go along!

[NV Teacher]

I worked once with a lady that was the only child of only children.  She was in her mid forties and unmarried.  She had her parents and grandparents but she had no siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, or nephews.   I kind of felt bad for her.  As my parents have aged and passed away I've appreciated having siblings.

[Mt9982]

I am an only child and people often ask me if I want more than one child.  I do.  I personally enjoyed being an only child and think like with anything, there are good and bad things about it.  Growing up I didn't want siblings anymore than I wanted another mom or dad.  Our family was just us and that was that.  Now that I am older I look back and see how hard it is on my parents to only have one child.  As they are older, their lives are very much dependent on me.  My husband and I live in another part of the country than my parents and they will probably need to move closer to us as there are no siblings closer by.  The pressure to have children is on me as I'm their only chance for grandchildren.  I feel kind of bad for them at times.  There was a lot of pressure on me as a child to succeed and I want to have more children so I'm not overly focused on one child.  If I have a child who wants to live abroad, attend college on the west coast, is a f up, it won't be as big of a deal.  Like other posters said, I would concentrate on what you want vs the pressure.  Do you want another baby?  I'm not sure you can think about this primarily based on finances.  I mean I'm sure you could save more now if you didn't even have the first child, but do you even think that way after having the child?  I hope not.  There are some things you can't put a price on. 

[Apocalyptica602]

FWIW, I was raised an only child in a happy and supportive household.

I never really noticed the lack of a sibling growing up, although now that I'm older I wish I had one. I've had a very close relationship with my first cousin who I always kind of thought of as a 'big sister'.

Although now that I'm 25 and planning my family, my fiancee and I are targeting 2 kids tops, unless circumstances outside of our control (e.g. twins on the second pregnancy / triplets or other less joyous issues) prevent that.

My fiancee's sister's family has 4 kids (aged 1, 4, 5, 6) and with both parents working it's a hectic mess and they find themselves relying on parents for child care / intermittent day care etc. It's really stressful and we don't want that for ourseles.

[squatman]

I think it would be a mistake to have another child solely because some people might think it's better to have a sibling while growing up. Have the second child because you want another kid and only because of that. FWIW I have a nearly 2 y/o son and no plans to add another child to the family.

[Argyle]

I'm an old child, child of two only children, with an only child myself.  I think it's great.  Lots of attention and resources.  Plus you hear a lot about people who get along great with their siblings, but people mention less often that not infrequently they resent or dislike their siblings.  And a whole lot of people just aren't close to their siblings.  They send a Christmas card once a year, or whatever.  There are no guarantees of that close sibling happiness.

Do what you want to do; don't choose because of perceived social pressure.

[GuitarStv]

I was not an only child.  My sister and I have never really gotten along too well.  Adding extra people is certainly no guarantee of increased happiness.

[totoro]

Yep, this is just one of those things you have to match to what you really want and your circumstances. 

As far as siblings go, I wouldn't base the decision primarily on this.  Nice to have brothers and sisters (most of the time), but I know some very content only children.  One of my best friend only had one child partly I believe because he wished he had been an only child!

Growing up I never really thought much about having kids and I did not even have the urge until late twenties.  Now we have four.

I like everything about being a mother, even the crummy bits.  I like it even more now that I work pt and mostly from home.  It is much easier than working ft with kids.
 
If we could have more now I would, but it is getting kind of late in the day.   I do think being FIRE with kids would be a great way to spend the years 40-60.  Nothing better than watching little ones grow up and being their mom.

[Greg]

I don't want to live with regret later thinking the only reason we did not have another was due to money.   

Has anyone else faced this dilemma?

My wife and I stopped procreating at one kid.  While we were busy building our house and businesses, the ideal time for a second child passed us by anyway.  Money is definitely the other reason, a good reason to not have a second kid.  They cost.  Lots of people have more kids than they can afford, and struggle.  A less-stuggleful life is pretty nice.

[golden1]

As an only child, I often wish I had a sibling, BUT some of that is because I am the only one around to care for my aging parent who was not wise with her finances.  If you are planning on only having one child, being a mustachian will ensure that you will not burden that child. 

[kallinan]

While it's an intensely personal choice, there's a pretty simple flow chart for this.

• Does having more children sound like fun?  Both for you and your spouse? If yes, continue.
• Kids do cost money.  Both in actual expenses and often in lost wages.  I don't know your situation, but as an example, would delaying FIRE by 2-5 years be an okay tradeoff for a 2nd child?  If you answered yes to above, you should probably be answering yes here - but you never know.
• Then, yes, have more children.

Full disclosure:  Our family has three children.

[homeymomma]

As an only child, I often wish I had a sibling, BUT some of that is because I am the only one around to care for my aging parent who was not wise with her finances.  If you are planning on only having one child, being a mustachian will ensure that you will not burden that child.

+1.
This is me exactly as well

[rubybeth]

I have a younger sibling, but she's six years younger. Honestly, I think I would have been fine as an only child, but when I was five, I asked my parents for a sister and they got me one. :)

My DH, on the other hand, is an only child, and probably would have enjoyed a younger sibling. There are all kinds of issues related to his childhood, though, so who knows if it would have been better or worse if another kid were around?

My advice would be to really try to ignore cultural and societal pressure or perceived pressure and the opinions of others and go with what you really want to do. Your kid will likely be fine as an only child, and you are likely very aware of the issues surrounding only children, and will work to counteract them if they become issues. And if you decide to have a second kid, it should be because you really want that second kid, and not merely to placate the world at large. Honestly, I feel bad for people who feel pressured to have a kid, have a baby, and then when the baby is about a year old, people start asking when they'll have their next kid. It just never ends. People reproductive choices are their own. I don't care if you have zero kids, one kid, or 10 kids, but do what's best for you and stick with it.

[begood]

I know this is ultimately a very personal decision, but I would like some thoughts.   We are happy with only one child.  Having only one will make it much easier to FIRE.   However, everyone (including those who are only children) is saying that its very important for a kid to have a sibling.    I don't want to live with regret later thinking the only reason we did not have another was due to money.   

Has anyone else faced this dilemma?

Maybe the bolded part is your answer? That's what YOU say. EVERYONE ELSE is telling you something different.

Also - regret is a really destructive emotion. If you do choose to stick with your one, don't regret it. Celebrate what you have.

We adopted our child, and I lost count early on of the number of well-intentioned lovely people who asked us when we were going to adopt another. I learned to smile and say, "Our family is complete."

[Capsu78]

I remember the conversation vividly where my wife and I decided to stop at 2- now that they are grown, I sometimes look back and wish we would have gone for 1 more... It would have been nice to have a son to carry on the family name or at least could have proved useful when the gutters needed to be cleaned out!  Of course he could have turned out to be a d 20's tattoed slug playing video games smoking pot down in my basement too, in which case we made the right decision!  Seriously though, having kids, and now watching them raise kids has been one of the most fulfilling events of our lives.  YMMV!

All I can suggest is write up a pro/ con assessment and don't let the "long term financial aspects" outweigh any other considerations.  On the ugly flip side, my wife has worked recently with 2 executive level professionals whose kids fell into drugs and died of heroin OD's... not sure how a family could live through that much pain.  I thank my lucky stars for my great, responsible kids.

[smalllife]

If you're not sure, don't have another one.  Being the kid that tipped the scales on a happy family balance is a miserable place to be.  Just my two cents seeing that happen . . .

[Meggslynn]

We are currently facing this as well.

The infant year was very very hard on me and almost destroyed me mentally. I value my mental health and it took me a long time to get it back. Plus I struggle with chronic pain from a car accident 12 years ago that wears me down a lot.

I honestly don't believe children are better off with siblings. My siblings made my childhood a living hell growing up and I have talked to many "only kids" who are now adults who said they really enjoyed it and have a very very strong relationship with their parents. So I will not have another child for the sake of providing my current one with a sibling .... it will have to be because I truly want another child and see our family as four not three.

Obviously there are a lot of benefits (financially) to being one and done. Yes another child doesn't tend to cost much more than one ..... UNTIL school years and activities. My friends had four kids and she was saying when they were not in school she didn't notice much of increase in expenses besides food but now that they are all in school and she allows one extra - curricular activity they are struggling.

[Psychstache]

I know this is ultimately a very personal decision, but I would like some thoughts.   We are happy with only one child.  Having only one will make it much easier to FIRE.   However, everyone (including those who are only children) is saying that its very important for a kid to have a sibling.    I don't want to live with regret later thinking the only reason we did not have another was due to money.   

Has anyone else faced this dilemma?

Maybe the bolded part is your answer? That's what YOU say. EVERYONE ELSE is telling you something different.

Also - regret is a really destructive emotion. If you do choose to stick with your one, don't regret it. Celebrate what you have.

We adopted our child, and I lost count early on of the number of well-intentioned lovely people who asked us when we were going to adopt another. I learned to smile and say, "Our family is complete."

+1

Everyone else is so eager to tell you how to live your life, but until they are willing to move in and chip in with rent and diaper changing, their opinion is void.

Also +1 on the regret. It is easy to put on rose colored glasses and look at the road not taken, but you're better off focusing your energy on the present and the future and 'celebrate what you have'.

[James]

I would base that decision on what you want, not what you think is best for your child. Your child will be fine either way, we know enough about children to know that anyway. No one can know what would be better for your child, having a sibling might be better, or worse, but we can't know for sure either way.


I agree with the others who pointed out the answer in your question. I would not have another child to make other people happy about the decision, or to be a sibling to the child I wanted. :)

[sobezen]

I am also another only child and I have never regretted my parents decision or the childhood I experienced.  By being an only child my parents were able to focus their energy and time on me and their growing business.  Growing up I asked them if they felt they missed out by not having another child and they said no.  They are happy I grew up healthy, happy and into well-rounded and responsible adult.  Because I am an only child I am not afraid of being alone.  I never felt the need to jump into relationships because I was secure in who I was and what I wanted from life.  I don't know why but many of my friends who had siblings cannot relate to this.

That said, for myself, in the future I would only want to have one child and this is a very personal decision.  As others have mentioned many people feel they know what is best for you, but the fact of the matter is if you have reservations about having another child or any children for that matter, it is strictly up to you and your partner.  Everyone else won't be making the sacrifices to raise and teach your child.  So, although there are valid reasons why you can pause and consider having another child, placing the burden to care for you in your old age is not one of them in my opinion.  I am assuming you are stable, healthy, and well-rounded.  As a mustachian your finances will exceed many of your peers who do not understand how your sacrifices will help create more opportunities for your family than they can imagine.  So worst case as I see it is even in your old age, you will have more resources to ease any potential burdens you may place on your child.  I say this because I sense many mustachians are planners and the concepts of estate planning, life insurance, long term care and advanced medical directives are things we are willing to learn and possibly implement.

Good luck with your decision and keep us posted.  Cheers!

[Unique User]

However, everyone (including those who are only children) is saying that its very important for a kid to have a sibling.   

My daughter is an only, she goes back and forth with liking and not liking being an only child.  We moved to the south before her 1st grade year and it seemed like every single person told me she needed a sibling.  But where we left in Colorado more than half of her friends were onlies (expensive ski town, very difficult to have more than one when you don't have a trust fund).   We didn't end up with just one on purpose, it was just the circumstances and different reasons, but we also don't have any regrets.  Don't let anyone pressure you into such a life changing decision just because it is important for a kid to have a sibling.  It is also important for people to make decisions based on what works for them, after all there is always therapy!  Or at least that is what we tell our daughter when she complains that we are ruining her life.  :)

[Emg03063]

I was an only child until I was 4.  If your kid feels like they need a sibling, move close to a cousin.

http://www.amazon.com/Maybe-One-Case-Smaller-Families/dp/0452280923

[MayDay]

One of the reasons I still want a third (even though all the baby gear has been sold on CL and the baby shop is closed) is because my kids will only have one cousin.  I think if they had lots of cousins, like I did growing up, I wouldn't care a bit that I had only two.  Sadly, the one cousin they do have comes from a fairly crappy family situation, and unless we are 100% footing the bill! we probably won't see much of her. 

But even though I totally want a third, there are a host of logical reasons why we aren't:  destruction of my body, morning sickness, infant that never sleeps until he/she is 3 years old, price of things like college (I am not so worried about feeding/clothing a third but college is freaking expensive!) losing my freedom and being tied down to a baby again, and not having any family nearby to help. 

I worry that we will come into money from an elderly relative, and wish we had gone for a third after all, but that it will be too late by then.  However I have no idea if he will have spent all his money, and if it will come to us or go to others.  So yes, money plays a big role- mostly because if I had more, I could throw it at all the problems listed above!  If the baby plan involved an overnight doula three nights a week so I could sleep, and a PT nanny to get a break during the day, the picture would change considerably! 

[homeymomma]

I worry that we will come into money from an elderly relative, and wish we had gone for a third after all, but that it will be too late by then.  However I have no idea if he will have spent all his money, and if it will come to us or go to others.  So yes, money plays a big role- mostly because if I had more, I could throw it at all the problems listed above!  If the baby plan involved an overnight doula three nights a week so I could sleep, and a PT nanny to get a break during the day, the picture would change considerably!

I so identify with this!! If we had a ton of money, I would be much less scared of going through another pregnancy. Part of the reason this one has been rough is because we don't feel we can afford help, and we have no family capable of helping. I'm hoping the next time things will be different somehow but the reality is it will probably be just as hard. We won't suddenly decide we can afford childcare or a cleaning service. But I would still do it if I felt the need for another baby to complete our family. My level of regret otherwise would just be way too high.
We also may be receiving quite the inheritance in many years... It's a weird piece of the puzzle. Obviously we shouldn't plan on it or expect it, but it's a reality that may drastically change our circumstances down the line. Makes it hard to live hand to mouth now or cut back on having kids during our childbearing years, because the regret would be that much greater if we didn't have them for financial reasons then ended up with a ton of money later when too late to have more kids.

[Rube]

I'm an only child. There were advantages but generally I hated it especially in school since everyone seemed to have a sibling. Funny enough that the women I was interested in in college seemed to be only children or were raised as onlies.

We have 2 and outside of planning for college or some private schools now it seems like money is not much of an issue compared to not having as much time as I'd like.

[zolotiyeruki]

Ok, I'm coming at this from the exact opposite direction than most.  I'm the youngest of nine, and am now the father of five (soon to be 6!).  Here's my take:

1) The decision to have a child should not depend on your retirement plans.  You should make the decision based on what you feel is right for your family, period.   If you're looking to retire early, finances are obviously not a problem.   If you want to have another child, go ahead and have another child.
2) Yes, children cost money.  But there are definitely economies of scale, especially if your second is the same sex as your first.  We have four boys, and everything from clothes to beds to bedding to car seats to shoes to toys to high chairs.... gets handed down.  A second child won't (er, *shouldn't*) push you into a bigger house or bigger car.

From a personal perspective, I see a great deal of joy that comes from having siblings, both from my perspective and from my kids'.

[Thegoblinchief]

My kids are incredibly close, but there's absolutely no guarantee it will happen.

My advice when people are considering having another kid is a line from the movie Ronin: "wherever there is any doubt, there is no doubt". If you're not 100% sure, don't do it. Certainly don't PLAN it.

[Russ]

I was not an only child.  My sister and I have never really gotten along too well.  Adding extra people is certainly no guarantee of increased happiness.

+1 have a sister. lots of drama

people have been only children and turned out fine since forever. being one has its ups and downs I'm sure, but no more or less so than having siblings. A classic case of "the grass is greener" for most people I think. do what's right for you; your kid will be fine either way. or not fine, but having a sibling wouldn't change that.

[Cressida]

people have been only children and turned out fine since forever. being one has its ups and downs I'm sure, but no more or less so than having siblings. A classic case of "the grass is greener" for most people I think. do what's right for you; your kid will be fine either way. or not fine, but having a sibling wouldn't change that.

yeah. Your kids might be super well-adjusted or not. your kids might get along with each other or not. your kids might be attentive in your old age or they might not. You can't predict. All you can do is what's right for you and let it fall out.

[milla]

Don't have a child until you want one, whether it's the first, second or seventh.  Don't have another child as an accessory to the first. If you want another child you worry about whether you can afford it. We didn't want a second child until we just did. I didn't plan it out years in advance, it just felt right at the time and it was and we could afford it. Either of them would be a decent human being if they were only children because we care a lot about them. We wanted them, specifically and individually.

[powersln]

Wow, thanks for all the awesome replies.   The good news is we have time to think about it.

[Zoe]

We have one child. He's 2.5. And awesome. I absolutely do not want another one. I disliked being pregnant, disliked the lack of sleep in the infant stage (while working a part time demanding job), but love my son. Of course, it's gotten easier the older he gets. And I love that he's more independent.

So for me, it's easy. One and done.

[mrgrump]

Flip a coin. Heads is another kid. Tails is no kid. When the coin is flipping through the air you'll be rooting for one side of the coin. There's your answer. Just be sure to walk away before the coin lands so it doesn't confuse you when it's opposite of what you were rooting for. 

[Kaminoge]

yeah. Your kids might be super well-adjusted or not. your kids might get along with each other or not. your kids might be attentive in your old age or they might not. You can't predict. All you can do is what's right for you and let it fall out.

This. Do what you want but don't have a preconceived idea of what will happen. I have a brother, I spent much of my childhood wishing I was an only child. Nothing dramatic or awful, we just never got along, I've got no idea why. Now as an adult I see him maybe every few years. There's no drama (we live on different sides of the planet and both in different countries to our parents), we just don't get each other. And I certainly don't expect he'll share any of the burden when it comes to things like caring for aging parents. Maybe he'll shock me by stepping up but I certainly won't hold my breath.