Author Topic: .  (Read 6570 times)

chuman

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« on: April 26, 2017, 11:24:44 AM »
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« Last Edit: May 03, 2017, 07:16:10 AM by chuman »

bonkers40

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #1 on: April 26, 2017, 12:09:32 PM »
There's about a 99% chance she's already banging this other dude she's been texting. She's already moved on from you and you should move on from her unless you're okay with sharing. Also, get some therapy for your issues.

Tiger Stache

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2017, 12:12:42 PM »
Cut ties and move on.

dcozad999

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #3 on: April 26, 2017, 12:19:54 PM »
Her calling you boring is a very bad sign.

If you don't feel you can trust her, then there's no reason to continue the relationship. It will just lead to more conflict and resentment from both sides.

This is coming from a man though.  It would be interesting to hear a female's perspective.

ZMonet

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #4 on: April 26, 2017, 12:21:23 PM »
It is unclear to me, are you still talking to each other?  Was your intention to end the relationship?  I think you both need to do a much better job of communicating with each other if you want to try and make this work.  Give what you want some thought.  If you don't think there is a possibility of a long-term relationship with her (and I'm guessing, but it seems like you aren't just looking for a good time), then, as others have said, move on.  If you do think there is potential, try and resolve this.  Don't bury it, because it will come up again, and again.  I'd suggest making it clear what you want, both in the short-term and if things were to potentially progress.  Ask her to reciprocate the same.  Be direct.  Life is too short to play games.

BFGirl

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #5 on: April 26, 2017, 12:23:52 PM »
Have the two of you actually had a conversation about being exclusive?  If you haven't, then she has the right to see other people. 

If you have, then she may not be seeing the other guy romantically or sexually, but she may be hedging her bets in case the two of you don't work out. 

Ultimately, the two of you need to have a frank non-accusatory discussion.  You have to decide what you will and won't put up with and communicate that to her.   If she respects that and commits to it, then perhaps you move forward.  If she can't, then it is probably time to end the relationship.

If you can't bring yourself to trust her after you have had a discussion and the two of you have agreed to the boundaries of your relationship, then you should probably move on.
« Last Edit: April 26, 2017, 12:29:08 PM by BFGirl »

CheapskateWife

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #6 on: April 26, 2017, 12:25:27 PM »
I'm thinking she's shown you who she is.  You see the red flags clearly.  No need to "make it work" if you don't have children or assets together.  There are plenty of trustworthy people out there...it doesn't appear that she is one of them.

Sorry dude, but at least you found out early on before getting too invested.  That is a real blessing.

zoltani

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #7 on: April 26, 2017, 12:27:36 PM »
She likes the attention and validation from other men. That won't stop so either accept it or move on.

She also talked shit about you to him, saying you are boring. Let me guess, he was a "bad guy" and you are such a "nice guy"?

patchyfacialhair

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #8 on: April 26, 2017, 12:29:59 PM »
She seems like a fun girl. Not wife/girlfriend material though. Let her have her fun, but don't waste your life on someone that clearly doesn't respect normal boundaries*, much less your feelings. Cut ties and move on.

*edit: assuming you were exclusive....if you aren't exclusive then you really have no right to get upset about who she interacts with.
« Last Edit: April 26, 2017, 12:35:01 PM by patchyfacialhair »

BFGirl

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #9 on: April 26, 2017, 12:40:48 PM »
Wow...a lot of haters on here.  They have been seeing each other for a "couple" of months.  Unless they have had a discussion about exclusivity, the girl can do what she damn well pleases and everyone should be using condoms if sexual activity is involved.

When I starting dating my current BF, I didn't immediately drop a couple of others I was dating.  It's called "dating" for Pete's sake.  However, once it became clear that our feelings were getting pretty serious, I had a discussion with him about our relationship and I stopped dating anyone else and never regretted it for a moment.  As far as I know he trusts me implicitly and as I love him very much, I would never do anything to abuse that trust.

BFGirl

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #10 on: April 26, 2017, 12:44:26 PM »
I appreciate the responses so far. To answer a few of the questions:

She said I was boring on a day that I was a little sick and wanted to stay in for the evening. I'm not sure if she was referring to more than that.

My intension wasn't to break up but to buy time to thinks things over. It has only been two days but she has been acting like she wants to continue on like nothing happened, sending loving messages, wanting to meet up as often as possible.

We had a conversation a couple months ago where we said that we were officially together. We never specifically said that we won't see other people but I thought it was assumed unless otherwise stated once we were offical.

If you feel like the discussion about being "officially together" was understood by both you and her to mean exclusivity, then I think you are right to be concerned.

If you don't feel like it was clear that you are exclusive, then you need to make that clear and decide if you want to proceed with the relationship.  However, you have a right to be treated with respect and dignity and don't let yourself be in a situation where you feel like you have lost that.

scantee

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #11 on: April 26, 2017, 12:55:10 PM »
Since you've had the talk about exclusivity, this does sounds like a breach of trust on her part. Did you talk about what exclusivity entails, for each of you? That's an important part of any exclusivity discussion because it means different things to different people. It is also the case that some people will take advantage of any ambiguity from those kinds of conversations to cover their asses when they're caught fooling around with others. "I know we agreed not to date others, or fool around with others, or have sex with others, or be on dating sites, or engage in sex chats, but you never specifically said I shouldn't send nudes to my exes so I haven't done anything wrong...." That sort of thing.

In the end, I don't think it matters much. This relationship just isn't worth this much rumination and heartache on your end. It really shouldn't be this hard. Were I in your situation, I would probably tell her that her that you don't think it is going to work out between the two of you, go no contact, and the make sure you stay no contact for six months.

dcozad999

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #12 on: April 26, 2017, 12:58:16 PM »
Wow...a lot of haters on here.  They have been seeing each other for a "couple" of months.  Unless they have had a discussion about exclusivity, the girl can do what she damn well pleases and everyone should be using condoms if sexual activity is involved.

When I starting dating my current BF, I didn't immediately drop a couple of others I was dating.  It's called "dating" for Pete's sake.  However, once it became clear that our feelings were getting pretty serious, I had a discussion with him about our relationship and I stopped dating anyone else and never regretted it for a moment.  As far as I know he trusts me implicitly and as I love him very much, I would never do anything to abuse that trust.


She called him her "boyfriend." Does that not imply exclusivity?  Maybe I'm just too old.

Samuel

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #13 on: April 26, 2017, 01:01:32 PM »
Doesn't seem fair to judge someone on expectations you never made clear.

She apparently has been physically exclusive, she just seems to think playfully chatting (sometimes about you) with an ex-boyfriend who is overtly fishing for sex isn't a violation of your trust since she isn't interested in anything actually happening with him. That's not completely unreasonable to me.

The accounts of your conversations seem to indicate she is genuinely interested in pursuing a relationship with you. If you feel the same give her the benefit of the doubt here and have a conversation to get on the same page.





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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #14 on: April 26, 2017, 01:06:31 PM »
It sounds like you aren't communicating from a shared pool of mutual understanding. I would encourage you to read this book on how to have Crucial Conversations. http://amzn.to/2q6Oh4S

Look at your interactions and conversations from the lens of what you contributed/what you wanted out of them/how you communicated your needs. Then, decide in light of that if you want to have those conversations with her, or not. You'll learn boat loads about yourself either way.

Raenia

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #15 on: April 26, 2017, 01:09:15 PM »
My first read through of your post, my impression was that you overreacted to something that may or may not have meant anything.  You saw a message from an old friend/ex of hers, demanded to see the rest of the conversation, and she complied with what you describe was a "dramatic" ultimatum.  It's not surprising that she felt weird about that - hence the hesitation.  There was no smoking gun in the conversation.  You have your own explanation of her 'boring' comment already.  You felt that some of her comments were flirtatious, but you also acknowledge that she is a person who craves flattering attention - my guess would be that either she doesn't see these things as flirtatious, or they were said only to get that hit of attention and not intent to cheat.  I hope that you were being vulnerable and explaining that you needed reassurance, rather than interrogating her about her social life and who she sees.  A little hard to tell tone off a computer screen.

You said she doesn't have respect for your relationship and hasn't been honest with you.  What did she actually say or do that was dishonest or disrespectful?  She says she hasn't cheated with this guy, or anyone else, and you don't have any knowledge otherwise.  She told him no in every message you saw.  She told him she was in a relationship.  She even offered to stop talking with this guy to make you feel better.  To which you respond that she can still talk to/see him BUT you still don't trust her?

My advice would be, if you think you can get over this, then yes, you should put it behind you and trust her.  Assume that everything she told you is the truth.  I'd also suggest, since she offered, to take her up on not talking with this guy anymore - but make it clear that it's because you're insecure, not because you don't trust her to control herself with him.  Giving her more time/attention is something else you'll need to communicate about to make sure you're both getting your needs met.  Like most things in a relationship, it's all about communication.

If you can't do that, then yes, do yourself and her a favor and end it.

And as always for anonymous internet advice, if I've read anything into your post you didn't intend, feel free to ignore :)

scantee

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #16 on: April 26, 2017, 01:11:19 PM »
Forgot to mention: the biggest red flag in your post, for me, is that she told an ex that she thinks you're boring. Why do you want to be with someone who thinks you're dull?! I mean, I understand that people occasionally say less than sparkling things about their relationships partners, but that seems acceptable (as much as it is, and I don't think it is all that acceptable) in the context of very long relationships undergoing many stressors. You're supposed to be in the lovey-dovey, new relationship energy, phase of the relationship where you think each other shit rainbows and she's is disparaging you as boring to an ex. Her lack of respect for you in that regard seems like a much bigger issue than her sending flirty texts.
« Last Edit: April 26, 2017, 01:12:51 PM by scantee »

limeandpepper

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #17 on: April 26, 2017, 01:16:36 PM »
At first glance, the "boring" remark seemed really bad, but after you explained the context, it seems like it could just be a fairly harmless grumble on a particular day when she herself was feeling bored.

I think it's worth noting that she has offered to stop contact with him, that counts for something.

My partner has mentioned on more than one occasion that he doesn't care if I flirt with other guys. He's not saying that so he can feel free to do a lot of flirting on his side, either, he's kind of a hermit. He also doesn't have a problem with me meeting up with people with whom I have a history. Some people just genuinely don't see it as a big deal. If she believes the messages vindicated her, then perhaps she has a wider range of what she deems acceptable. I do wonder if she would be cool with it if the shoe was on the other foot. As others have said, have a calm and open chat about this, it will probably help you gauge whether you'd like to proceed further.

zoltani

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #18 on: April 26, 2017, 01:17:41 PM »
Like most things in a relationship, it's all about communication.

I disagree with the idea that relationships are all about communication. Relationships are about trust and respect, from which communication flows. If the trust and respect are not there communication will not happen. It's not the other way around.

I also disagree with the idea that she did nothing wrong. Sure, she said no to his sexual advances, but she also kept entertaining him and being flirtatious. She even went as far as meeting him for a drink, knowing that his sole intention was sex. My expectation is that my GF would shut the dude down and go no contact with him on her own, not due to a plea by me. If she didn't see this as being flirtatious or wrong then it will happen again because what she craves is attention and validation. The boundary may have no been clear, but what she did is unacceptable behavior from someone with LTR potential.

bacchi

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #19 on: April 26, 2017, 01:30:37 PM »
You aren't "being boring" because you've had a bad day/week and want to eat ice cream and binge watch Homeland. You're "boring." That can mean that you truly are boring, and never want to do anything, or it can mean that you're more responsible than she wants.

In any case, take what you learned from the relationship and cut her loose, nicely. Stick a fork in it and move on.

ReadySetMillionaire

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #20 on: April 26, 2017, 01:43:58 PM »
I'm about your age, and I'd rather get kicked in the balls by a horse than chase a girl surrounded by this much dramatic bullshit. Move on.

zoltani

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #21 on: April 26, 2017, 01:46:53 PM »
My only caution would be that if she is the type to get easily bored then what does she do to entertain herself? Many people like to create drama when they are bored, or seek out excitement from doing "forbidden things", you know, like meting up with an ex.

former player

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #22 on: April 26, 2017, 02:33:03 PM »
The boundaries your girlfriend has put around her relationship with you are about being public about your relationship and being sexually exclusive but do not extend to a spoken loyalty and respect.   Your boundaries around your relationship with her are different, and when you found out this difference you became upset and jealous, you became controlling over seeing her phone messages and issued an ultimatum, you then told her she wasn't respectful, honest or trustworthy.

I'm a bit worried there are traits in both of you that could make a bad combination.  If your differences work positively, she could bring you into being more socially active and you could ground her.  But if your differences work negatively, it could be a bad cycle of provocative behaviour on her part followed by strong reactions on your part, followed by failing to resolve the issues, rinse and repeat getting worse over time.

The only way to work this out is to talk to each other.  You each need to find out what meaning each of you attaches to the different stages of a relationship: dating, exclusivity, long term, marriage, etc.  And to find out where each of you think you are as a couple at the moment and where you might want to get to.  You need to ask her about how she sees her relationship with you fitting in with all her other social relationships, now and in the future if your relationship continues and progresses, and you need to let her know how you feel about her other social relationships, both now and if your relationship progresses.  If you do all that, you should both have a good idea about whether there is likely to be a positive synergy between you on those issues or whether there are irreconcilable differences of view which mean it would be better to scale back on your expectations of each other.


Tiger Stache

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #23 on: April 26, 2017, 02:37:22 PM »
I'm about your age, and I'd rather get kicked in the balls by a horse than chase a girl surrounded by this much dramatic bullshit. Move on.

🍻
Indeed.

limeandpepper

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #24 on: April 26, 2017, 02:44:02 PM »
I'll also add that Spanish is her native language but she speaks English pretty well and I can hold basic conversations in Spanish. We usually stick with English and don't think there is much of a language barrier.

Okay, there may not be much of a language barrier, but perhaps there are cultural differences at play here. Perhaps in her culture, this sort of thing is less of an issue. I'm not saying that is definitely the case, but it could be a factor.

mtn

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #25 on: April 26, 2017, 03:01:14 PM »
I'd end the relationship. I'd be annoyed that she was still getting the texts and didn't nip it in the bud.

There's nothing wrong with that, but it would bother me significantly and I just don't need that in my life. It would just mean that "we're" not compatible, and have different values--which would mean a long term relationship wouldn't end well.

Just my opinion. Worth the paper its written on.

Goldielocks

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #26 on: April 26, 2017, 04:10:18 PM »
Eerily similar to what my daughter did a few months ago.  (and old texting flirt started to contact her again, and she was vague with him about having a boyfriend now).


Girls and young women can be stupid.  (guys too).  I am dismayed that this woman is in her late 20's and doesn't understand respect for your relationship extends to chat messages with other guys.

You did the right thing by setting boundaries.   In my daughter's case, the consequences for her was to tell the guy immediately not to contact her, to unfriend on Facebook, explain she has a boyfriend now and is not interested, and her BF even insisted as a condition of continuing,  that she tell / show Mom and Dad the texts as she is not yet 18 and the messages were a bit too adult.

She went through it all, has learned a lot about respect for one's relationship and  that common decency about how to treat other people extends to one's on-line presence and communication with others, too.

I hope that your girlfriend can quickly learn the same lessons, apologize and restart a mature relationship with you.

YoungInvestor

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #27 on: April 26, 2017, 04:16:33 PM »
I think it's quite obvious that you should ditch her.

Any girl who's even close to being classy or trustworthy wouldn't describe her current boyfriend as boring to an ex. Maybe to a friend, but not an ex.

Save yourself some pain and money and leave her. Even if she didn't cheat on you.

Letj

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #28 on: April 26, 2017, 04:22:24 PM »
You described her as very social and liking attention. She may not intend to sleep with her ex but certainly enjoys his attention. I also think there's some cultural factors at play here. Men and women flirting with each other despite having boyfriends/girlfriends/spouse may just be more acceptable. That is certainly true of Latin cultures and women showing their sexy side to the opposite sex is quite common.

surfhb

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #29 on: April 26, 2017, 05:03:30 PM »
I would end any relationship at the slightest hint of doubt.     

Reynolds531

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #30 on: April 26, 2017, 06:28:02 PM »
I'm about your age, and I'd rather get kicked in the balls by a horse than chase a girl surrounded by this much dramatic bullshit. Move on.

Age and experience will show you this is the best course. Always.


galliver

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #31 on: April 26, 2017, 07:14:20 PM »
You say you don't trust her after the event but actually, you didn't trust her to begin with.

Women get unsolicited dick pics and dirty messages all the time; you had *no* reason to think this was anything but a one-off, stupid message from someone she hardly knows. But instead of taking her at her word, you *demanded* to violate her privacy  and see the whole conversation. And instead of dumping you on the spot, she actually humored you and obliged! But instead of seeing that he was clearly harrassing her with this kind of attention that she rebuffed at every turn, you chose to seek out the tiniest shreds of evidence she might possibly be anything but 1000% enamored with you alone! She called you "boring" one time! Oh no! [I am somewhat disregarding the reported "flirty" messages because (a) guys can be really bad at telling apart "flirty" and "friendly" and (b) flirting is sometimes a defense mechanism for women, in a world of http://whenwomenrefuse.tumblr.com/ so I can't consider it solid evidence of anything.] Furthermore, you *keep harping on this incident* ("I question her more") until she admits against her better judgement that she met this ex/old friend for *one* drink in the months you've been dating.

My honest opinion is frankly that she should break it off with you, because you're so far deeper in the wrong here.

Regardless of what you decide to do (i.e. even if you move on) you will never have a successful relationship with a woman (at least, one who has ever spoken to men outside of her family) until you figure out how to actually trust her. And it does not count to trust her because she has no privacy from you and you know everything.

Fact is, although women people stay in relationships for all sorts of reasons, right down to desperation and abuse/fear, the best relationships are where both parties stay because they know what they have is SO GOOD no one else they meet, no one they have ever met, ever measures up to that level. Especially once you add in the history and shared goals and inside jokes and learning each other's habits and quirks.

If you're jumping at the first opportunity to assume she isn't being loyal to you, maybe there's a reason for that, and maybe it's not about her. Or maybe she's a feckless, fickle nymphomaniac; they're out there, too. But you already had plenty of perspectives on that.

Frankies Girl

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #32 on: April 26, 2017, 07:46:34 PM »
I am a woman, but in my early 40s and long out of the dating scene...


I would see the continued contact with an ex who is asking for hookups as a dealbreaker. She should have shut that down cold the instant he started that shit, and the fact that she went on to flirt and discuss current boyfriend with this guy shows she is open to taking her attention (and more) where she can get it. This is different than being friends with a guy/former BF. The fact that he's booty calling her and she didn't tell him to fuck off that first time and block him says to me she may be the type of woman that enjoys having men "want" her and may be prone to stray if she does get bored in her current relationship.

But most of all, I think you still have major issues with being controlling and insecure - asking to see her phone convos is a violation of privacy and that would have been something I'd have dumped a boyfriend for. My personal interactions are my own, and I don't have to justify or otherwise share if I don't want to. You had no right to do this, and you need to recognize that you had trust issues from the start to think she's doing something wrong enough where you felt at all right about policing at her interactions. You either trust her or you don't, and if you don't, you likely never will. That's a lousy way to be in a relationship.

That being said, I'd say neither one of you is in the right place for a serious relationship. She's still craving attention and open to other relationships, and you're demanding and controlling and untrusting of your girlfriend. Break it off, and do some work on developing relationships with women that are healthy enough where you trust her to be honest, and able to talk about things that bother you before they develop into issues.
« Last Edit: April 26, 2017, 07:49:06 PM by Frankies Girl »

Hargrove

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #33 on: April 26, 2017, 08:22:01 PM »
Understand what your own boundaries are and if you're actually okay with them.

Was it horribly rude of you to issue an ultimatum, or were you right to be hurt by an unclear rebuff of advances? Should you have given her the benefit of the doubt, or is your job to be compassionate and understanding ended when there's suspicion she may not deserve that, and she's guilty until proven innocent?

If you know the rules of the game and you play, accept the consequences of the rules. If you DON'T actually even know the rules... holy cow, agree on the rules first, what sense does it make to throw cards down and get upset? She may have had a role in easing your mind after you saw the text, but you broke right past that door by demanding an audit and you discovered it wouldn't satisfy you anyway. You will have extreme difficulty if you expect your relationships to "fall into place" without communication.

If you're not okay with your boundaries as they are, buck up and establish a real code of conduct for yourself so you're not second-guessing some pretty serious decisions you made on the fly in a moment of jealousy. If you are okay with them, communicate what they are and why they're important to you. If you're sure you reacted reasonably, own it, but if you care about her, explain why you were hurt (the root of it was an expectation related to your being together, which can always be looked at as a positive if the couple decides to do that).

You both need a reset as far as what's expected of the relationship. If you can't do that, then you need to part ways - this particular combination of traits is not likely to "just fall into place."


Blatant

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #34 on: April 26, 2017, 08:25:53 PM »
I read the initial post and assumed it was written by an exceptionally articulate 15-year-old. I'm sad to know the OP is a grown-ass man.

bugbaby

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #35 on: April 26, 2017, 08:58:23 PM »
Even when I'm single, I just don't tolerate ex-BF flirty sexts.  That's how drama and attention seekers behave.

While you were not clear on exclusivity and future plans on either side, her behavior doesn't bode well for a stable happy future.

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RapmasterD

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seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #36 on: April 26, 2017, 09:03:27 PM »
This short life of ours moves quickly. You're in your early 30s. If (big if) you have aspirations for marriage and kids, it's time to git jiggy wid it.

Do you think she is marriage material?

Do you think you are marriage material? Do you think you perhaps need to work on developing yourself further and building more self esteem? And yes, might you benefit from speaking with 'someone?'

To me, this is more about 'fit' and 'readiness' than who is right and wrong. At your age and after a few months you'd know if this was a fit. You'd simply know.

And so I think you have your answer.


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pbkmaine

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #37 on: April 26, 2017, 09:23:08 PM »
When people show you who they are, believe them.

Ann

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #38 on: April 26, 2017, 09:58:05 PM »
I think that you found this to be a red flag is the most telling.

She likes flirting, being the center of attention.  She maintains relationships with exes, even if they are continuing to seek sexual contact despite rebuffs, and she talks negatively about her current boyfriend to her sexually interested,  assertive exes.

To some people, this might not be a big deal.  I would not be comfortable with that situation because I am not wired that way.   Personally, I feel weird that she didn't disengage contact with the ex earlier due to his behavior.  Her asking you if she should break contact sounds like a maneuver on her part -- it either makes you the "bad guy" (you can't talk to your ex!!) or it gives her permission to continue the current situation at will.   That's my instinct, but really I think it is because I am wholly coming from a different place than she is.  Maybe this isn't so much as a "she did something wrong" as "this is who she is at her core, and is that what YOU want?"

Am I the only one who isn't upset he wanted to see the text conversation?  It's funny, I would find it an invasion of my privacy to see my e-mails but I don't give a rat's ass about my texts.
« Last Edit: April 26, 2017, 10:03:46 PM by Ann »

chuman

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« Reply #39 on: April 26, 2017, 10:28:19 PM »
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« Last Edit: May 03, 2017, 07:16:40 AM by chuman »

Goldielocks

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #40 on: April 26, 2017, 10:31:49 PM »
Yeah, there seems to be a schism these days between real life conversations and the "not real" way some people treat texting and on-line conversations (like on-line does not matter for some reason).

Thanks for the update.

limeandpepper

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #41 on: April 26, 2017, 11:29:32 PM »
Thanks for the update! I'm glad that you two had a good, relationship-strengthening conversation. All the best! :)

Sydneystache

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #42 on: April 27, 2017, 12:54:33 AM »
Apparently he then apologized to her but she said she is still 'blocking' him whatever that means.

It means, she is (actively) blocking him. Maybe not blocked him in all forms of media so he may contact her again (the ex sounds clingy and stalkerish). What do you think it means?

Have you apologised to her for not trusting her?

Nevertheless, I think you need to move on and just be friends with this girl. You both sound as if you need to sort out your respective issues unless you want to be in therapy (or on here) for the rest of the relationship everytime a minor thing comes up that undermines your confidence in her, or in you. You have unsorted baggage that has reared its ugly head. You have trust issues - sort them out or it's going to claw at you waiting for any opportunity to come out.

Also, sometimes you have the right person but they have come at the wrong time - not emotionally ready, but ready to root. If she's on the rebound, your trust issue is never going to get resolved.

BFGirl

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #43 on: April 27, 2017, 10:46:13 AM »
UPDATE: Once again thanks for the responses I appreciate them all. I'd like to give closure to anyone that is still interested and I'm going to remove my original post now that it's served it's purpose.

I invited her over to talk with the intention of apologizing for my behavior and then either breaking up or shifting to a casual relationship, due to our incompatibilities. So I gave a sincere apology and tried to explain the way I was thinking and feeling during our confrontation. Then she proceeded to apologize for her interaction with the other guy, said that she has already told him that she wants to take her relationship seriously and wants to break off all communication. She said that although it is nice to stay in touch with an ex because you already have a level of intimacy with them it leads to temptation. Apparently he then apologized to her but she said she is still 'blocking' him whatever that means.

Our conversation continued for some time and she completely blew me away with her emotional intelligence of which I'm embarrassed for underestimating. She really had only shown tiny glimpses of this depth previously. I tried to steer the conversation through a discussion of how we view our relationship, how it could be improved and what/where we think the boundaries should be. I couldn't be more pleased and humbled.

I'm glad that you were both mature enough to have this conversation and that neither of you threw away a potential LTR based on lack of communication, misunderstanding or snap judgments.  I wish you both the best of luck.

surfhb

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #44 on: April 27, 2017, 11:22:07 AM »
I'd still break it off.    Life is too short, man!   

Huge red flag bro, but you know what's best for you


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dcozad999

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #45 on: April 27, 2017, 12:31:07 PM »
I wish you good luck.

But I don't think this will end well.

ReadySetMillionaire

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #46 on: April 27, 2017, 01:49:08 PM »
UPDATE: Once again thanks for the responses I appreciate them all. I'd like to give closure to anyone that is still interested and I'm going to remove my original post now that it's served it's purpose.

I invited her over to talk with the intention of apologizing for my behavior and then either breaking up or shifting to a casual relationship, due to our incompatibilities. So I gave a sincere apology and tried to explain the way I was thinking and feeling during our confrontation. Then she proceeded to apologize for her interaction with the other guy, said that she has already told him that she wants to take her relationship seriously and wants to break off all communication. She said that although it is nice to stay in touch with an ex because you already have a level of intimacy with them it leads to temptation. Apparently he then apologized to her but she said she is still 'blocking' him whatever that means.

Our conversation continued for some time and she completely blew me away with her emotional intelligence of which I'm embarrassed for underestimating. She really had only shown tiny glimpses of this depth previously. I tried to steer the conversation through a discussion of how we view our relationship, how it could be improved and what/where we think the boundaries should be. I couldn't be more pleased and humbled.

I just can't imagine going through this much emotional bullshit just a couple of months into a relationship.  My God man.  Best of luck to you.

former player

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #47 on: April 28, 2017, 01:36:15 AM »
UPDATE: Once again thanks for the responses I appreciate them all. I'd like to give closure to anyone that is still interested and I'm going to remove my original post now that it's served it's purpose.

I invited her over to talk with the intention of apologizing for my behavior and then either breaking up or shifting to a casual relationship, due to our incompatibilities. So I gave a sincere apology and tried to explain the way I was thinking and feeling during our confrontation. Then she proceeded to apologize for her interaction with the other guy, said that she has already told him that she wants to take her relationship seriously and wants to break off all communication. She said that although it is nice to stay in touch with an ex because you already have a level of intimacy with them it leads to temptation. Apparently he then apologized to her but she said she is still 'blocking' him whatever that means.

Our conversation continued for some time and she completely blew me away with her emotional intelligence of which I'm embarrassed for underestimating. She really had only shown tiny glimpses of this depth previously. I tried to steer the conversation through a discussion of how we view our relationship, how it could be improved and what/where we think the boundaries should be. I couldn't be more pleased and humbled.

I just can't imagine going through this much emotional bullshit just a couple of months into a relationship.  My God man.  Best of luck to you.
Not many of us have always been so perfect that we don't need to make an effort in our relationships.  It's called personal growth and investing in your relationships.  Maybe it will work, maybe it won't.  I think OP will be a better person for learning his way through this, and maybe the girlfriend will be too.  I suspect that there are a lot of potentially good things about this relationship which weren't put in a post that was about its problems, and based on the immediate reactions of both OP and his girlfriend to this crisis I'm seeing potential for change by both of them.  So I'm not seeing a big downside in trying to improve things, and wish both of them good luck whatever happens.

Rowellen

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Re: seeking relationship advice / how to proceed
« Reply #48 on: April 28, 2017, 04:26:00 AM »
I found the first year of dating my (now) DH to be the most difficult. But I'm glad we talked it out and worked through our differences. We've been together for 16 years, married for 10 with two kids now. I'm not sure I could have gotten past a break in trust though. However if it was unclear where the relationship stood, then it may be different. Every relationship is different and only you will know if she is worth pursuing. Good luck.