Author Topic: SAHM or Continue Working???  (Read 42857 times)

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #50 on: July 18, 2014, 05:04:36 AM »
Grey Matter said it so well (as she always does).  But first - congratulations !! - whatever you decide, you are embarking on the most exciting and fulfilling ride of your life !  I have 3 children, started late - age 38 - and I always knew I would continue to work.  I'm a much better mother because I work.  But I have a lot of energy and can juggle my crazy life pretty well (notwithstanding some very tough moments) and not everyone can do that.  I was lucky to find fantastic child-care close to my office and I was never conflicted about leaving my babies - they were very well cared for in a secure loving environment.  Babies know when mummy is conflicted (SAHM or working mum - babies need to know that mum is really happy with whichever she decides).  I have girlfriends who are SAHMs and when we get together it's clear that it's not easy to stay home, nor is it easy to go out to work - in the end, personality and core beliefs will guide you.  I believe financial independence for a woman is very important; I believe children should have smart, educated and fulfilled mums; I believe the relationship between kids and their dads is enhanced when both parents work (dads have to be more hands on) and I believe that once a woman stops work, it is very difficult to go back to work as the needs of kids increases with their shoe size !!  I have 3 fantastic, sociable, happy kids - all doing well at school, all in great health, active in sports, dance, music etc.   Good luck with your decision.

Mt9982

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #51 on: July 18, 2014, 05:44:32 AM »
To the person that said whoa to the 35% 401k match: I know, it's unheard of and that's why I feel I've been given this great opportunity, do I really want to quit knowing that I won't be able to find a job like this again? Also, at 10 years the match goes up to 55%, at 20 years it goes up to 65%.  There are numerous people in my office that have worked here for over 30 years.  At 30 years they give you and a significant other (and children if you have any) a trip to anywhere you want to go in the world with spending money.  It really is a great company.  However, my two male supervisors have a strong dis-like for children (one is married, one is divorced and neither of them want children).  Like having children will ruin your life, how could you ever in a million years purposefully have a child, dis-like children.  For this reason, I don't see them being particularly flexible with me.  I see it being, do you want to work or do you not? We aren't going to cut you slack when your kid is sick, etc.  I guess I should've included this earlier - it is kind of an important point.  The company as a whole is very family friendly, but my department - not so much.  There are only 3 people in the department including me so there is no one to cover for me.

Regarding the tax on nanny: I was referring to the "nanny tax".  A nanny is treated as a household employee and you must pay them as an employee and not a contractor.  You must issue them a W-2 and you have to pay the employer portion of all taxes.

I agree about the cost of working - between dry cleaning, hair, makeup, replacing worn out shoes and other clothes I spend a lot of money. I'm sure this would go down substantially if I was hanging out at the house.  Not that I would just "let myself go" but I just wouldn't need to dress in business casual clothes daily.

You need to network at work and see if there are any other openings in other divisions/groups.  Do you have anyone you can trust?

I don't agree you're doing anything wrong by maybe not going back after leave.  Sure it doesn't look great or make ppl want to hire women but employers increasingly have no choice.  Women are a larger percentage of college graduates and a large portion of the workforce.  It's only a matter of time before better mat leave is offered or required in this country. 

How much do you think your employer will miss you while you're on leave?  Think you could call up your boss and say you need more time but realize that's not an option.  But is there an option to work part time for six months?  Or telecommute one or two days a week?  A lot of people have kids so while your manager might hate them I don't see how he can avoid employees with kids forever.   

angelagrace

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #52 on: July 18, 2014, 12:09:56 PM »
Here's my plan for when we have our first baby soon, if that helps :).

I'm the main income right now, and I work from home (programming job), for about $75k. I plan to save during the pregnancy, take my 3 months maternity leave, then go back to work, from home, while hubby is a SAHD mostly (he will probably do some part time work as a musician some nights).

My recommendation would be for your husband to keep his job, you to ask your employer AFTER maternity leave if you could work from home certain days or full time (not sure if your job lends itself toward that like mine or not), and then hire a nanny for the time you are on the clock. That way, you'd be there for emergencies/ breast feeding (if you're going to do that), but you wouldn't have to give your attention to the baby while you need to work. Best of both worlds, IMO :). Some employers are reluctant to let moms WFH thinking that they will be distracted, but if your manager is understanding you might be able to explain that you intend to hire a full time nanny but want to be around for emergencies. Try to hire a college student or two, or someone who is reliable but doesn't cost an arm and a leg. After all, you'll be there to keep an eye on them if you go that route :).

Just some ideas.

Meggslynn

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #53 on: July 18, 2014, 03:38:48 PM »
When we made the decision to start a family, we did it knowing that we wanted our child to be raised by us. That meant one of us was going to become the SAHP.

I earn twice what my husband did. I also enjoyed my job, and he didn't. So it was a reasonably easy decision to make that DH would become full-time SAHD when I went back to work at 3 months. I was lucky enough to have a very flexible job, so I worked part time from home for the first year (and got completely on DH's nerves :))

He has found it to be a tough gig, mostly because he feels like he's not contributing financially to the family (although he forgets that he contributes by 'saving' us money). DH was also lacking mental stimulation and adult interaction, so when our son was 11 months we decided to put him in daycare for 2 days a week.

For us the first decision was how you want your child to be raised (parent or childcare worker). We chose parent, so our second question was which parent? From there, you just need to make it work. If you feel strongly enough about how you want to raise your child, everything else is secondary in my opinion.

MRL

This has to be one of the most ignorant posts I have EVER read.

As a parent who has done both staying at home and working and know people who fall in both categories I can say with 100% certainty that if your child goes to childcare they will not be raised by someone else. They are still raised by you. My son was at home for the first 18 months of life and has been in playschool for the last 8 months and I am still the one raising him. I decide what food he eats, when he potty trains and how and what discipline technique to use. I am the one that says good morning and goodnight every day and he eats 16 out of 21 meals a week with. His teachers follow through on what I ask or advised and vice versa. People forget that raising a child takes a village and child benefit from that.

My son loves playschool and seeing his friends everyday. My son was potty trained by 2 years old and can count to 30 at 26 months old. All of these things I am sure wouldn't of happened if wasn't in the playschool environment as he wanted to like the older boys and go on the potty and I am not sure I would of even thought (or of had the patience) to teach numbers and abc's at this age.

So unless you have been in both boats (SAH child or one that attends childcare for some of the time) keep your opinions to yourself.
« Last Edit: July 18, 2014, 08:21:41 PM by Meggslynn »

RiskDown

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #54 on: July 18, 2014, 06:13:09 PM »
So unless you have been in both boats (SAH child or one that attends childcare for some of the time) keep your opinions to yourself.

Hey-hey-now... I'd personally rather have access to BOTH of your opinions... We don't necessarily have to agree with someone, to gain wisdom from their posts.

Meggslynn

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #55 on: July 18, 2014, 08:18:44 PM »
So unless you have been in both boats (SAH child or one that attends childcare for some of the time) keep your opinions to yourself.

Hey-hey-now... I'd personally rather have access to BOTH of your opinions... We don't necessarily have to agree with someone, to gain wisdom from their posts.

Sorry, I shouldn't of said that. People who add fuel to the mommy war fire (especially when they don't know what they ware talking about) pi$$ me off ......

mm1970

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #56 on: July 18, 2014, 08:54:11 PM »
I guess for me my stress is in the following areas since I know that we can "afford" for me to stay home:

1) Will I absolutely hate being at home?
2) Am I an idiot for quitting a job that pays well? A lot of people would say so. I could easily get another job making $70k per year full-time, but not $93k. Part time I could make $40k or so.
3) Is it smart for me to completely quit saving on my side? 401k, 401k match, other savings.  We would only be able to save about $17,500 401k husband + $10k husband stock options + $8,000 ESPP = $35.5k per year if I'm not working.

Well, it's hard to know until you get there.  You may know yourself, you may not.  I've always assumed that I wouldn't enjoy being at  home full time.  And every time I've gotten a taste of it (two maternity leaves, weekends when my husband travels, home with sick kids), well, I haven't enjoyed it.

I recommend to my friends to plan to go back to work.  Because: you can always quit.  It's probably harder to quit and get your job BACK.  But if you go back to work and hate it, you can quit.

mm1970

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #57 on: July 18, 2014, 09:17:46 PM »
...No one, and I mean no one, not even a nanny, will take care of your child like you will be able to take care of your child.

I have not found this to be universally true, at least not in my case.  In my case, it's a combination of having found a truly exceptional nanny and not being a very good stay-at-home mom.  I do not have the temperament for it, and our nanny takes better care of our kids than I could if I were home with them all day, every day.  (Being away from them all day, every day is hard, too, in an entirely different way.  Ideally, you will have some flexibility to find what works for you.)

Your preferences and personality are important to take into account, and it's not always possible to predict how you will feel until you're in it.  You may feel strongly that you can't leave your baby, you may feel strongly that you need to go back to work, or you may feel somewhere in between, which makes the decision harder but gives you more options.

If I were in your situation, I would do what I could to keep my options open and make the decision after you've been home at least two months (any time before that, the sleep deprivation may make it hard to think clearly).

Good luck!
I agree. My kids are/were in wonderful home daycares. Currently a good friend of mine. I personally believe it takes a village. And I don't have a family village nearby.

Plus even working full time... A full work week has my kids with us 128 of 168 hours. Combined we get about 8 or 9 weeks off. I spend far more time caring for my children than daycare.

mm1970

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #58 on: July 18, 2014, 09:31:26 PM »
So unless you have been in both boats (SAH child or one that attends childcare for some of the time) keep your opinions to yourself.

Hey-hey-now... I'd personally rather have access to BOTH of your opinions... We don't necessarily have to agree with someone, to gain wisdom from their posts.

Sorry, I shouldn't of said that. People who add fuel to the mommy war fire (especially when they don't know what they ware talking about) pi$$ me off ......
Yeah you know the "we decided that WE would raise our kids." It's ignorance. Daycares don't raise kids thanks. Got my ire up too.

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #59 on: July 18, 2014, 10:19:18 PM »
So unless you have been in both boats (SAH child or one that attends childcare for some of the time) keep your opinions to yourself.
Hey-hey-now... I'd personally rather have access to BOTH of your opinions... We don't necessarily have to agree with someone, to gain wisdom from their posts.
Sorry, I shouldn't of said that. People who add fuel to the mommy war fire (especially when they don't know what they ware talking about) pi$$ me off ......
Yeah you know the "we decided that WE would raise our kids." It's ignorance. Daycares don't raise kids thanks. Got my ire up too.

Mine too. I think your reaction was understandable.

Gray Matter

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #60 on: July 19, 2014, 07:33:42 AM »
So unless you have been in both boats (SAH child or one that attends childcare for some of the time) keep your opinions to yourself.
Hey-hey-now... I'd personally rather have access to BOTH of your opinions... We don't necessarily have to agree with someone, to gain wisdom from their posts.
Sorry, I shouldn't of said that. People who add fuel to the mommy war fire (especially when they don't know what they ware talking about) pi$$ me off ......
Yeah you know the "we decided that WE would raise our kids." It's ignorance. Daycares don't raise kids thanks. Got my ire up too.

Mine too. I think your reaction was understandable.

I, too, was put off by the phraseology of "we vs. daycare providers."  It's not an either/or proposition.  Probably not intended to be offensive/inflammatory, but I would encourage the poster to find another way of saying it and thinking about it.

While it's perfectly legit to define the raising of one's kids as something done exclusively by the parent(s)/guardians, regardless of the daycare situation, I actually believe that parents NEVER solely raise their children.  There are always others involved in the raising of your children, even if you're a stay-at-home parent.  It might be an occasional babysitter, or a family member or friend or neighbor who spends time with your child, or even your child's friends/peers.  And once they get to school, teachers and coaches and others are helping raise your kids.  Even if you homeschool, anybody and anything that has an influence on your child's growth, development, and learning is helping raise your child (and thank goodness for that!).

Rebecca Stapler

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #61 on: July 19, 2014, 08:00:06 AM »
Congratulations!!!

You're in a good financial position, and if you do decide to SAH, I think you'll be fine. It sounds like you have a lot of spending on "extras" that you can cut back on when baby arrives. So, if SAH is important to you, then you'll make it work.

I understand your perspective about handing your child off to a stranger, but I assure you that, if you decide to find childcare for your child, you would never leave him/her with someone you don't trust completely. Now that you're pregnant, I suggest touring some daycare facilities and seeing if any of them feel right to you. Consider it as a backup in case you decide that you would prefer to work -- FT or PT. My son has been in FT daycare, then preschool, almost all his life and I trusted every one of his providers. I'll admit, too, that when he was an infant, I relied on his teachers for advice about sleeping and eating, because they truly are experts. My son's first teacher had been at the center for 20 years. I loved that he was socializing with other kids, which helped him try new things and learn them -- like eating finger foods, standing and walking on his own, and now the more complex things like sharing and being nice to your friends, etc. Kids will learn all that anyway, but I felt like daycare helped him get a head start on it.

As a professional woman, I suggest you deciding during your maternity leave whether you want to SAH full time. Two parents working FT with an infant is tough -- it was the hardest year of my life! -- so if you decide you want to work, and can go back PT temporarily, I personally find that to be the ideal situation for us. But I would want to know that I could go back to FT when I was ready. Don't worry about it perpetuating a stereotype if you leave; I'm a feminist and I don't care; you're not ruining anything for anyone -- the stereotype will be there whether you leave after maternity leave or not.

I'm a big fan of the book "Lean In," that makes the point that taking a few years off because the cost of daycare outweighs the income from working is a short-term solution that can create the long-term issue of not advancing and receiving the raises and benefits of networking that could have you making a lot more in the long run. Personally, when I think of all the professional skills I've developed in the 4 years when my son was in daycare and I was working, and all the socialization and friendships my son has formed, I'm glad that we made the decision that we did. 

MsRichLife

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #62 on: July 20, 2014, 07:39:44 PM »
This has to be one of the most ignorant posts I have EVER read.

As a parent who has done both staying at home and working and know people who fall in both categories I can say with 100% certainty that if your child goes to childcare they will not be raised by someone else. They are still raised by you. My son was at home for the first 18 months of life and has been in playschool for the last 8 months and I am still the one raising him. I decide what food he eats, when he potty trains and how and what discipline technique to use. I am the one that says good morning and goodnight every day and he eats 16 out of 21 meals a week with. His teachers follow through on what I ask or advised and vice versa. People forget that raising a child takes a village and child benefit from that.

My son loves playschool and seeing his friends everyday. My son was potty trained by 2 years old and can count to 30 at 26 months old. All of these things I am sure wouldn't of happened if wasn't in the playschool environment as he wanted to like the older boys and go on the potty and I am not sure I would of even thought (or of had the patience) to teach numbers and abc's at this age.

So unless you have been in both boats (SAH child or one that attends childcare for some of the time) keep your opinions to yourself.

Wow...Sorry you feel that way. Let me clarify my position, if it's possible.

I have been a SAHM. I have been a WAHM. I have been a full-time working mother with my husband as a full-time SAHD. I have been a full-time working mother with my son at home with dad 2 days and at childcare 3 (short) days. I have been in all boats and I make my comments based on what's right for MY family.... Not yours or anyone else's. Everyone's situation is different and no-one can decide what's best for another family. I am certainly not one to add to the 'mommy war fire', and this post was certainly not designed to do so.

We decided that we did not want our son in daycare at 3 months (what I meant when I said 'parents or Childcare worker'...obviously not phrased well, judging by the reaction). We moved our life around so that we could make sure one of us was home with him for those early months. That was the decision that we felt was right for us. Other's need to decide for themselves what's right for their family.

When he was nearly 1 year old, we decided to put him in childcare a couple of days a week in preparation for my husband to go back to work. We were happy that our son was getting to spend time with other kids and to get new stimulation that was different to home (he needs a lot). We were very happy with his carers while he was in the babies room.

Fast forward and my son is now over two. We have not been particularly happy with the level of care he's had in his current room, but that's to do with the centre he's in and we are working to resolve the problem. The carer's in his room change regularly. I have gone in to pick him up and not one of the carer's was known to me. My son was with strangers. For most children this might be OK, but my son is a sensitive soul and this is tough for him. IF I had my son in full-time at this centre I have no doubt it would destroy him. For this reason we have decided that he needs to be home most of the time.

If he was in fulltime care, I might say good morning and goodnight to him. I might have breakfast and dinner with him. But in reality, I have very little control about what happens at daycare when I'm not there. They will teach him what they like, they will discipline him how they like, they will feed him the food they like, they will cuddle him as much (or as little) as they like. If we were to factor in sleep times, then he would spend more time with his carers than he would with his parents.

If you are happy with the level of care provided in your situation and your child is thriving...then that's great. Other kids might not fare so well. Ours is one of those other kids.

I'm sorry, but no-one cares as much about your child as you and your partner. Sometimes this is more of an issue than others. In our case, it's a big issue.

This has to be one of the most ignorant posts I have EVER read.

So unless you have been in both boats (SAH child or one that attends childcare for some of the time) keep your opinions to yourself.

I apologise if what I said upset some people. Perhaps one phrase was not particularly well said, but hey...I'm sleep deprived!

To be honest I'm a little shocked that people reacted this way. I wasn't intending to upset people and I guess this is why in future I will keep my opinions [on parenting] to myself.
« Last Edit: July 20, 2014, 08:45:56 PM by MsRichLife »

MsRichLife

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #63 on: July 20, 2014, 08:41:53 PM »
People who add fuel to the mommy war fire (especially when they don't know what they ware talking about) pi$$ me off ......
At no point did I attack anybody or their opinion personally. I stated my opinion based on my own value set and personal experience. How people react to my personal decision making process is up to them, but I feel that this ^^^ is unnecessary. What are you really so pi$$ed off about?

Mommy-wars are not perpetuated by people with different opinions and views on things. Mommy-wars are perpetuated by people personally attacking others who hold different views than their own. Just a thought.

Meggslynn

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #64 on: July 20, 2014, 09:41:36 PM »
People who add fuel to the mommy war fire (especially when they don't know what they ware talking about) pi$$ me off ......
At no point did I attack anybody or their opinion personally. I stated my opinion based on my own value set and personal experience. How people react to my personal decision making process is up to them, but I feel that this ^^^ is unnecessary. What are you really so pi$$ed off about?

Mommy-wars are not perpetuated by people with different opinions and views on things. Mommy-wars are perpetuated by people personally attacking others who hold different views than their own. Just a thought.

Listen I don't want to hijack this thread. But like you said ... It was poorly worded.

Telling a working mother someone else is raising her child is just as ignorant and offensive as telling a stay home mom that she doesn't do anything all day.  I am not attacking your views. I am sick and tired of moms saying this bullsh*t to one another.

Like everyone has said it is what is best for your family that matters and if that means staying home thats great but it doesn't mean your eating bon bons and watching soaps all day. And if means working out of home it doesn't not mean that someone else is raising your kids for you. So let's stop saying that to one another. It's hurtful. And it's just down right false.
« Last Edit: July 20, 2014, 09:46:49 PM by Meggslynn »

MsRichLife

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #65 on: July 20, 2014, 11:32:11 PM »
Telling a working mother someone else is raising her child is just as ignorant and offensive as telling a stay home mom that she doesn't do anything all day.  I am not attacking your views. I am sick and tired of moms saying this bullsh*t to one another.

Like everyone has said it is what is best for your family that matters and if that means staying home thats great but it doesn't mean your eating bon bons and watching soaps all day. And if means working out of home it doesn't not mean that someone else is raising your kids for you. So let's stop saying that to one another. It's hurtful. And it's just down right false.

*Sigh* Did you even read anything that I wrote when trying to explain my point of view?

I was not saying that working mothers are leaving their children to be raised by someone else. I am a working mother too. I know the challenges that come with it.

Instead of the word raise, I should have said cared for, or looked after. Would this rewording make you feel less indignant towards me?

Balance

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #66 on: July 21, 2014, 12:22:37 AM »
When we made the decision to start a family, we did it knowing that we wanted our child to be raised by us. That meant one of us was going to become the SAHP.

I earn twice what my husband did. I also enjoyed my job, and he didn't. So it was a reasonably easy decision to make that DH would become full-time SAHD when I went back to work at 3 months. I was lucky enough to have a very flexible job, so I worked part time from home for the first year (and got completely on DH's nerves :))

He has found it to be a tough gig, mostly because he feels like he's not contributing financially to the family (although he forgets that he contributes by 'saving' us money). DH was also lacking mental stimulation and adult interaction, so when our son was 11 months we decided to put him in daycare for 2 days a week.

For us the first decision was how you want your child to be raised (parent or childcare worker). We chose parent, so our second question was which parent? From there, you just need to make it work. If you feel strongly enough about how you want to raise your child, everything else is secondary in my opinion.

MRL

This has to be one of the most ignorant posts I have EVER read.

As a parent who has done both staying at home and working and know people who fall in both categories I can say with 100% certainty that if your child goes to childcare they will not be raised by someone else. They are still raised by you. My son was at home for the first 18 months of life and has been in playschool for the last 8 months and I am still the one raising him. I decide what food he eats, when he potty trains and how and what discipline technique to use. I am the one that says good morning and goodnight every day and he eats 16 out of 21 meals a week with. His teachers follow through on what I ask or advised and vice versa. People forget that raising a child takes a village and child benefit from that.

My son loves playschool and seeing his friends everyday. My son was potty trained by 2 years old and can count to 30 at 26 months old. All of these things I am sure wouldn't of happened if wasn't in the playschool environment as he wanted to like the older boys and go on the potty and I am not sure I would of even thought (or of had the patience) to teach numbers and abc's at this age.

So unless you have been in both boats (SAH child or one that attends childcare for some of the time) keep your opinions to yourself.

I don't think that MRL was trying to be offensive at all, just giving her opinion and attempting to give some perspective to the OP, which is what a lot of us are doing on these forums. Apparently this comment strikes a nerve with some people based on their own personal hangups. If you stand by your decision to stay at home, go back to work, or do a mixture of both I think that's totally cool. It all depends on that individual's situation which may or may not be similar to yours. The OP wanted opinions and that is what she is getting.

If this is the most ignorant thing you have ever read you need to look at comments to almost any story on Yahoo news :)

iris lily

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #67 on: July 21, 2014, 05:42:47 AM »
Thank you to the people who provided input on what they did, it's helpful. I don't plan on quitting until I know I want to. Is it wrong to tell an employer you'll be back from maternity leave and then decide at the end that you don't want to come back?
As a manager I hate when people do that. But they do it.
« Last Edit: July 22, 2014, 09:19:08 AM by iris lily »

Goldielocks

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #68 on: July 22, 2014, 09:12:09 AM »
Thank you to the people who provided input on what they did, it's helpful. I don't plan on quitting until I know I want to. Is it wrong to tell an employer you'll be back from maternity leave and then decide at the end that you don't want to come back?
As a manager. I hate when people do that. But they do it.

Better to say that you plan to come back but are not 100% sure.  Who knows, you may get a promotion if they really want to keep you.

Rebecca Stapler

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #69 on: July 22, 2014, 10:09:32 AM »
Thank you to the people who provided input on what they did, it's helpful. I don't plan on quitting until I know I want to. Is it wrong to tell an employer you'll be back from maternity leave and then decide at the end that you don't want to come back?
As a manager. I hate when people do that. But they do it.

Better to say that you plan to come back but are not 100% sure.  Who knows, you may get a promotion if they really want to keep you.

Brilliant ;)

If your supervisor is a parent, I would hope that s/he would understand where you're coming from if you decide not to return. Be sure to know your employer's leave policy before making your decision, though, or else you might be hit with a surprise bill for your health insurance during leave.

frugaliknowit

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #70 on: July 22, 2014, 11:13:29 AM »
My view is a bit extreme.  I would never recommend anyone be a SAHM or SAHD long term.  The reason I am of this opinion is I have seen how difficult or impossible it is to return to the working world after being a long term SAHM.  For example I know someone who has a design degree from Parson's School of Design in NY, has been trying to return to the work world for years and gets questions like, "...so what were you doing all those years...?"  She has massive trouble getting interviews and offers.

Ideally, it would be great to have that option, to do the math and come to a conclusion...unfortunately, life can take unexpected turns (death, divorce, job loss or disability of a spouse, change in desire).  I would not take the risk of leaving the work world long term, thinking I will be able to return when/if I want, whether or not the numbers make sense.  Just my $.02.

COlady

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #71 on: July 22, 2014, 12:38:02 PM »
Thank you to the people who provided input on what they did, it's helpful. I don't plan on quitting until I know I want to. Is it wrong to tell an employer you'll be back from maternity leave and then decide at the end that you don't want to come back?
As a manager. I hate when people do that. But they do it.

Better to say that you plan to come back but are not 100% sure.  Who knows, you may get a promotion if they really want to keep you.

Brilliant ;)

If your supervisor is a parent, I would hope that s/he would understand where you're coming from if you decide not to return. Be sure to know your employer's leave policy before making your decision, though, or else you might be hit with a surprise bill for your health insurance during leave.

Sorry I haven't responded to your posts in the past week.  I'm digesting this whole pregnancy thing :).  Thank you all for the feedback, I'm reading through every post and will be printing this for later reading.  Regarding the quotes above - my supervisors (both men) do not have kids and do not want them, in fact they have a very strong dislike of kids.  My news will not be met with enthusiasm from them I am sure.

MrsPete

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #72 on: July 22, 2014, 08:43:35 PM »
Though I have a wonderful marriage, I was raised in poverty and was abandoned by a parent, so I have some issues concerning having MY OWN MONEY.  As such, I always assumed I'd keep my job after having children; however, as it came time for me to go back to work, I started to question myself.  Best advice I received on the subject, which came from my husband:  Go back.  You have a job you like, so don't quit without giving it a try.  Give it two months, and if you're not happy, put in your notice.  I did just as he said, and it was fine -- even in the beginning. 

I don't mean that every day has been wonderful, especially when the kids were still small.  Lack of sleep was the worst of it, and the days he traveled for work were bad . . . but looking back, I'm glad we made the choices we did.  They had great daycare experiences, and they were happy, healthy kids.  They're now young adults, and they're wonderful people. 

I'll echo two things that other people have said:

First, no matter whether you use day care or not, you and your husband will be the ones raising the child.  Neither of my children ever had any confusion about who was Mom and Dad vs. day care folks.  They loved their day care providers, but they always saved their best (and worst) of everything for us.  Raising a child doesn't mean you're the one who changes every diaper and physically fed every meal (if so, no men prior to the 1960s ever raised children); rather, raising a child is about the long-term choices and care that you provide. 

Second, do keep in mind that it is not all that easy to re-enter the workforce after an absence.  It's much, much easier for a woman than it is for a man (maybe not so difficult as it was a generation ago, but still most employers are going to question a decade of unemployment for a man, whereas it's just assumed that a woman of appropriate age was at home with small children).  Unless you make a concerted effort, the work world can change and evolve, and your skills can grow stale -- and it can be harder for your family to adjust to a sudden change in expectations when you go back to work. 
« Last Edit: July 22, 2014, 08:51:10 PM by MrsPete »

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #73 on: July 24, 2014, 09:09:44 AM »
I did part-time (20-25) hr/wk contracting for 2 years when my son was a toddler and found it to be a very nice balance.  Here's what I would suggest:

Go find a contracting position NOW, and get an offer.  Then go to your current employer and tell them, "I have an employment offer that I am seriously considering, but really love working for this company and wanted to give you the chance to match it."  Then you explain that you are pregnant, and that you would like to work part-time for 1-2 years and return to full time when the baby is older.  This position would allow you to do that, but long-term you'd really prefer to stay with the current company if there would be a way to work out a similar arrangement.  Right now is when you are probably in the strongest position to negotiate what you want. 

If they refuse, you would still be in a good position to work part-time for a couple of years, and then approach your former employer when you're ready for your child to be in full time care. 

And of course, the option to quit either position later is always there if it turns out you'd really prefer to be home full time.

(I stayed home full time for 2 years, then did part-time contracting for 2 years, then 5 more years of home full time, and am now looking at either part-time contracting or freelancing.  Every year I've thought, "Maybe I'll go back next year," but haven't really felt a strong pull to actually do so.  I liked my career well enough, but didn't LOVE the work.)

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #74 on: July 24, 2014, 09:45:02 AM »
Though I have a wonderful marriage, I was raised in poverty and was abandoned by a parent, so I have some issues concerning having MY OWN MONEY.  As such, I always assumed I'd keep my job after having children; however, as it came time for me to go back to work, I started to question myself.  Best advice I received on the subject, which came from my husband:  Go back.  You have a job you like, so don't quit without giving it a try.  Give it two months, and if you're not happy, put in your notice.  I did just as he said, and it was fine -- even in the beginning. 

I don't mean that every day has been wonderful, especially when the kids were still small.  Lack of sleep was the worst of it, and the days he traveled for work were bad . . . but looking back, I'm glad we made the choices we did.  They had great daycare experiences, and they were happy, healthy kids.  They're now young adults, and they're wonderful people. 

I'll echo two things that other people have said:

First, no matter whether you use day care or not, you and your husband will be the ones raising the child.  Neither of my children ever had any confusion about who was Mom and Dad vs. day care folks.  They loved their day care providers, but they always saved their best (and worst) of everything for us.  Raising a child doesn't mean you're the one who changes every diaper and physically fed every meal (if so, no men prior to the 1960s ever raised children); rather, raising a child is about the long-term choices and care that you provide. 

Second, do keep in mind that it is not all that easy to re-enter the workforce after an absence.  It's much, much easier for a woman than it is for a man (maybe not so difficult as it was a generation ago, but still most employers are going to question a decade of unemployment for a man, whereas it's just assumed that a woman of appropriate age was at home with small children).  Unless you make a concerted effort, the work world can change and evolve, and your skills can grow stale -- and it can be harder for your family to adjust to a sudden change in expectations when you go back to work.

Exactly. Boom! Thread over.

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #75 on: July 24, 2014, 10:27:11 AM »
I don't think that MRL was trying to be offensive at all, just giving her opinion and attempting to give some perspective to the OP, which is what a lot of us are doing on these forums. Apparently this comment strikes a nerve with some people based on their own personal hangups. If you stand by your decision to stay at home, go back to work, or do a mixture of both I think that's totally cool. It all depends on that individual's situation which may or may not be similar to yours. The OP wanted opinions and that is what she is getting.

If this is the most ignorant thing you have ever read you need to look at comments to almost any story on Yahoo news :)
+1

OP - Congratulations!  It is true what everyone is saying that you won't know how you will feel until the baby arrives.  Good to plan out your options in advance though.  Good luck!  Whatever you decide to do, having a child is wonderful regardless.  Congrats again.

Rebecca Stapler

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #76 on: July 24, 2014, 06:32:57 PM »
Thank you to the people who provided input on what they did, it's helpful. I don't plan on quitting until I know I want to. Is it wrong to tell an employer you'll be back from maternity leave and then decide at the end that you don't want to come back?
As a manager. I hate when people do that. But they do it.

Better to say that you plan to come back but are not 100% sure.  Who knows, you may get a promotion if they really want to keep you.

Brilliant ;)

If your supervisor is a parent, I would hope that s/he would understand where you're coming from if you decide not to return. Be sure to know your employer's leave policy before making your decision, though, or else you might be hit with a surprise bill for your health insurance during leave.

Sorry I haven't responded to your posts in the past week.  I'm digesting this whole pregnancy thing :).  Thank you all for the feedback, I'm reading through every post and will be printing this for later reading.  Regarding the quotes above - my supervisors (both men) do not have kids and do not want them, in fact they have a very strong dislike of kids.  My news will not be met with enthusiasm from them I am sure.

Ouch! Sorry :( 

I have no advice on handling that b/c my supervisors have all been parents or supportive of families; although, that can be a double-edged sword too -- one of my bosses loved to highlight how her dr. told her to stop working at one point during pregnancy, but she came into the office anyway. Sheesh!

Gin1984

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #77 on: July 31, 2014, 07:28:52 AM »
When we made the decision to start a family, we did it knowing that we wanted our child to be raised by us. That meant one of us was going to become the SAHP.

I earn twice what my husband did. I also enjoyed my job, and he didn't. So it was a reasonably easy decision to make that DH would become full-time SAHD when I went back to work at 3 months. I was lucky enough to have a very flexible job, so I worked part time from home for the first year (and got completely on DH's nerves :))

He has found it to be a tough gig, mostly because he feels like he's not contributing financially to the family (although he forgets that he contributes by 'saving' us money). DH was also lacking mental stimulation and adult interaction, so when our son was 11 months we decided to put him in daycare for 2 days a week.

For us the first decision was how you want your child to be raised (parent or childcare worker). We chose parent, so our second question was which parent? From there, you just need to make it work. If you feel strongly enough about how you want to raise your child, everything else is secondary in my opinion.

MRL

This has to be one of the most ignorant posts I have EVER read.

As a parent who has done both staying at home and working and know people who fall in both categories I can say with 100% certainty that if your child goes to childcare they will not be raised by someone else. They are still raised by you. My son was at home for the first 18 months of life and has been in playschool for the last 8 months and I am still the one raising him. I decide what food he eats, when he potty trains and how and what discipline technique to use. I am the one that says good morning and goodnight every day and he eats 16 out of 21 meals a week with. His teachers follow through on what I ask or advised and vice versa. People forget that raising a child takes a village and child benefit from that.

My son loves playschool and seeing his friends everyday. My son was potty trained by 2 years old and can count to 30 at 26 months old. All of these things I am sure wouldn't of happened if wasn't in the playschool environment as he wanted to like the older boys and go on the potty and I am not sure I would of even thought (or of had the patience) to teach numbers and abc's at this age.

So unless you have been in both boats (SAH child or one that attends childcare for some of the time) keep your opinions to yourself.

I don't think that MRL was trying to be offensive at all, just giving her opinion and attempting to give some perspective to the OP, which is what a lot of us are doing on these forums. Apparently this comment strikes a nerve with some people based on their own personal hangups. If you stand by your decision to stay at home, go back to work, or do a mixture of both I think that's totally cool. It all depends on that individual's situation which may or may not be similar to yours. The OP wanted opinions and that is what she is getting.

If this is the most ignorant thing you have ever read you need to look at comments to almost any story on Yahoo news :)
Saying that staying home is only way for a child to be raised by the parents is ignorant and offensive.  It is also profoundly untrue. 

Balance

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #78 on: August 01, 2014, 11:04:51 PM »

When we made the decision to start a family, we did it knowing that we wanted our child to be raised by us. That meant one of us was going to become the SAHP.

I earn twice what my husband did. I also enjoyed my job, and he didn't. So it was a reasonably easy decision to make that DH would become full-time SAHD when I went back to work at 3 months. I was lucky enough to have a very flexible job, so I worked part time from home for the first year (and got completely on DH's nerves :))

He has found it to be a tough gig, mostly because he feels like he's not contributing financially to the family (although he forgets that he contributes by 'saving' us money). DH was also lacking mental stimulation and adult interaction, so when our son was 11 months we decided to put him in daycare for 2 days a week.

For us the first decision was how you want your child to be raised (parent or childcare worker). We chose parent, so our second question was which parent? From there, you just need to make it work. If you feel strongly enough about how you want to raise your child, everything else is secondary in my opinion.

MRL

This has to be one of the most ignorant posts I have EVER read.

As a parent who has done both staying at home and working and know people who fall in both categories I can say with 100% certainty that if your child goes to childcare they will not be raised by someone else. They are still raised by you. My son was at home for the first 18 months of life and has been in playschool for the last 8 months and I am still the one raising him. I decide what food he eats, when he potty trains and how and what discipline technique to use. I am the one that says good morning and goodnight every day and he eats 16 out of 21 meals a week with. His teachers follow through on what I ask or advised and vice versa. People forget that raising a child takes a village and child benefit from that.

My son loves playschool and seeing his friends everyday. My son was potty trained by 2 years old and can count to 30 at 26 months old. All of these things I am sure wouldn't of happened if wasn't in the playschool environment as he wanted to like the older boys and go on the potty and I am not sure I would of even thought (or of had the patience) to teach numbers and abc's at this age.

So unless you have been in both boats (SAH child or one that attends childcare for some of the time) keep your opinions to yourself.

I don't think that MRL was trying to be offensive at all, just giving her opinion and attempting to give some perspective to the OP, which is what a lot of us are doing on these forums. Apparently this comment strikes a nerve with some people based on their own personal hangups. If you stand by your decision to stay at home, go back to work, or do a mixture of both I think that's totally cool. It all depends on that individual's situation which may or may not be similar to yours. The OP wanted opinions and that is what she is getting.

If this is the most ignorant thing you have ever read you need to look at comments to almost any story on Yahoo news :)
Saying that staying home is only way for a child to be raised by the parents is ignorant and offensive.  It is also profoundly untrue.

After reading over her initial post I still don't see where she implied it was the "only way for a child to be raised". She stated it was her and her husband's decision and even clarified and said she never meant to offend anyone. I think we are going off course here instead of giving more opinions to the OP. MRL already clarified what she was trying to say so how about we move on and get back to the topic at hand.

COlady

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #79 on: August 04, 2014, 10:22:10 AM »
Oh man people.  Just got back from my first prenatal appointment (7w2d)........it's TWINS.  As someone said earlier in this thread - - you can plan for things in life but you just never know how they're going to go.  I'm in shock and sure am glad that we've been saving because I have a feeling we're going to need it.....
« Last Edit: August 04, 2014, 10:38:09 AM by COlady »

Magpie

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #80 on: August 04, 2014, 10:39:38 AM »
Wow, congratulations!  A dear friend who is blessed with twins once told me it took a good 3 months for the shock of knowing she was carrying twins to wear off.  Put your feet up, take care of your health, and allow yourself some time to process this news. 

rujancified

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #81 on: August 04, 2014, 11:12:15 AM »
Oh wow, TWINSIES! Goodness! That certainly changes the equation. I have a very dear friend who found out she was having twins just before her son turned 1. She was gobsmacked for awhile, but the relationship between the twins is just so damn amazing to witness.

Very best of luck to you!

MrsPete

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #82 on: August 04, 2014, 11:13:16 AM »
Oh man people.  Just got back from my first prenatal appointment (7w2d)........it's TWINS.  As someone said earlier in this thread - - you can plan for things in life but you just never know how they're going to go.  I'm in shock and sure am glad that we've been saving because I have a feeling we're going to need it.....
Wow!  Congrats! 

Of course, twice as much baby changes everything -- your parenting specifics will be quite different from those of us who had our children one at a time.  Obviously, the math changes.  I would definitely have quit my job if I'd had to pay two day cares at once -- the math would've made it an obvious choice for me.  At the same time -- and I'm speaking as the parent of a teen and a 20-year old -- the teen years will really be expensive for you, so you absolutely want to have your financial house in order by the time they reach those years. 

You'll be fine, regardless of the choices you make now.  I'll give you this one piece of advice:  Make your plans a year or so at a time.  Ask first whether it makes sense for you to work while the babies are small and require the most expensive day care.  Then at two or so, ask whether that decision is still the right option.  Then ask again around the time they start school.  You don't have to make a decision RIGHT NOW and stick to it FOREVER.  I even know one mom who chose to work when her boys were small, then quit her job when the first one started high school.  Her rationale:  You can get people to supervise (very well) your toddler, but teens are susceptible to temptation, and you can't get anyone to watch them after school then.  She also hoped they'd qualify for more financial aid if she wasn't working.  That part bit her in the butt. 

Again, congrats and good luck!

Unique User

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #83 on: August 04, 2014, 04:45:08 PM »
Wow, twins, congratulations, that is thrilling and scary at the same time.  I would think of all the options, but I'm a BIG proponent of women staying in the workforce part time or as a contractor.  I sold a business the month before my daughter was born and stayed home for a year, I'll never regret that time with her as a baby.  After that, I worked part time and helped my husband with his business.  DD went to preschool a couple days a week from 2 years old to kindergarten.  She loved it and I got to continue working.  But, I also realize I only have one which makes things much easier.  {tensing myself for the slamming}  The issue is you never really know when you will NEED to reenter the workforce.  I have several divorced friends and those that took many years off are the ones struggling the worst right now.  I'm not saying that the OP or anyone will get divorced, I was separated for two years and am still married, I just think that women need to protect their earning potential. 

mm1970

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #84 on: August 04, 2014, 06:05:30 PM »
Oh man people.  Just got back from my first prenatal appointment (7w2d)........it's TWINS.  As someone said earlier in this thread - - you can plan for things in life but you just never know how they're going to go.  I'm in shock and sure am glad that we've been saving because I have a feeling we're going to need it.....
Oh wow, that could change things!  Double the daycare may change your decision.  Though you may be able to afford a nanny on 2x daycare.

MrsPete said this:
Quote
Lack of sleep was the worst of it, and the days he traveled for work were bad

That is oh so true, and I'm still suffering from this 2 years later (and my husband is traveling again tomorrow!) And with twins, lack of sleep might be a bit harder still if they aren't on the same schedule.

JoyBlogette

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #85 on: August 04, 2014, 10:13:02 PM »
Wow big news!  Congrats.  This will definitely change things.  Give yourself some time to adjust to the news.  Deep breaths.

Noodle

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #86 on: August 05, 2014, 01:45:07 PM »
Congrats, twin-mama-to-be! You have a big adventure ahead of you!

You will get advice by the bucketful, but as the proud aunt of twins, the best I ever heard was from my SIL's infant class instructor which went as thus...moms get told all the time how they "should" parent...breastfeeding or not, co-sleeping or not, feeding on demand or not, etc etc. Well, as mom of multiples, you get to throw all that out. Your only job is to keep everyone (including both parents and your marriage) alive for the next few years, and you get to do that however you want short of basic health and welfare requirements. If you need to give bottles, do it. If you need to have the babies in your room, or in their own room, so everyone can sleep, do it. If you need to feed on a schedule even though that is seen as old-fashioned, do it. Your twins will be fine whatever you pick for them.

And if you want to work, you can. My nieces have been in daycare since their mom got done her maternity leave and it has been fine for everyone.

Good luck!

Gin1984

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #87 on: August 05, 2014, 07:46:44 PM »

When we made the decision to start a family, we did it knowing that we wanted our child to be raised by us. That meant one of us was going to become the SAHP.

I earn twice what my husband did. I also enjoyed my job, and he didn't. So it was a reasonably easy decision to make that DH would become full-time SAHD when I went back to work at 3 months. I was lucky enough to have a very flexible job, so I worked part time from home for the first year (and got completely on DH's nerves :))

He has found it to be a tough gig, mostly because he feels like he's not contributing financially to the family (although he forgets that he contributes by 'saving' us money). DH was also lacking mental stimulation and adult interaction, so when our son was 11 months we decided to put him in daycare for 2 days a week.

For us the first decision was how you want your child to be raised (parent or childcare worker). We chose parent, so our second question was which parent? From there, you just need to make it work. If you feel strongly enough about how you want to raise your child, everything else is secondary in my opinion.

MRL

This has to be one of the most ignorant posts I have EVER read.

As a parent who has done both staying at home and working and know people who fall in both categories I can say with 100% certainty that if your child goes to childcare they will not be raised by someone else. They are still raised by you. My son was at home for the first 18 months of life and has been in playschool for the last 8 months and I am still the one raising him. I decide what food he eats, when he potty trains and how and what discipline technique to use. I am the one that says good morning and goodnight every day and he eats 16 out of 21 meals a week with. His teachers follow through on what I ask or advised and vice versa. People forget that raising a child takes a village and child benefit from that.

My son loves playschool and seeing his friends everyday. My son was potty trained by 2 years old and can count to 30 at 26 months old. All of these things I am sure wouldn't of happened if wasn't in the playschool environment as he wanted to like the older boys and go on the potty and I am not sure I would of even thought (or of had the patience) to teach numbers and abc's at this age.

So unless you have been in both boats (SAH child or one that attends childcare for some of the time) keep your opinions to yourself.

I don't think that MRL was trying to be offensive at all, just giving her opinion and attempting to give some perspective to the OP, which is what a lot of us are doing on these forums. Apparently this comment strikes a nerve with some people based on their own personal hangups. If you stand by your decision to stay at home, go back to work, or do a mixture of both I think that's totally cool. It all depends on that individual's situation which may or may not be similar to yours. The OP wanted opinions and that is what she is getting.

If this is the most ignorant thing you have ever read you need to look at comments to almost any story on Yahoo news :)
Saying that staying home is only way for a child to be raised by the parents is ignorant and offensive.  It is also profoundly untrue.

After reading over her initial post I still don't see where she implied it was the "only way for a child to be raised". She stated it was her and her husband's decision and even clarified and said she never meant to offend anyone. I think we are going off course here instead of giving more opinions to the OP. MRL already clarified what she was trying to say so how about we move on and get back to the topic at hand.
She stated in above quote "For us the first decision was how you want your child to be raised (parent or childcare worker). ". Having a child in daycare does not mean the child is raised by anyone other than the parents.  It is a false and offensive statement.  And she can backpedal all she wants, and you can try to help, but it is there in black and white.

labrat

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #88 on: August 05, 2014, 07:47:27 PM »
...it's TWINS.  As someone said earlier in this thread - - you can plan for things in life but you just never know how they're going to go.  I'm in shock and sure am glad that we've been saving because I have a feeling we're going to need it.....

Congratulations, that is FANTASTIC!!!!  Just another option to throw out there since you are in 2x kiddo territory: an older friend of mine had 2 children, one of which had some moderate mobility impairment due to an illness as an infant, she wanted (& needed) to return to work and her husband travelled extensively for business during the week.  They worried that during the week it would be too much for the mother to take on herself, so they ended up hosting an au pair from Europe for a couple of years.  The au pair cared for the children during the day and helped with household duties if needed (cooking, laundry, etc.) in exchange for a modest allowance and room and board.  They thought of her as part of the family and they still keep in touch 15 years later. 

Congrats again - and best wishes during your pregnancy!

COlady

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #89 on: August 12, 2014, 10:25:44 AM »
I looked into it and it looks like I could get a nanny for about $35k per year.  I was thinking about work versus staying home this morning and was thinking maybe I make an offer to my employer that would seal the deal for me.  Maybe I say - "I love working here and I would like to continue working after the babies are born.  However, as you know daycare is extremely expensive here, especially times two.  I ran the numbers and in order for it to make sense financially for me to continue working I would need a $15,000 increase in my base salary." Maybe I could also get them to throw in stock options since I know they are available.

But who knows....maybe I'll hold those babies and think "no amount of money will keep me from being at home". 

My dad is being a total PITA about this.  Every time I talk to him he says "So you're going to quit when the babies are born right? You guys have plenty of money, just quit".  Okay dad, because you certainly weren't the one that quit when I was born, mom did. I realize that this is ultimately our decision (husband and I) and not our parent's decision but you still hate to disappoint your parents. I think my husband's parents would be really disappointed too as his mom stayed home.  Maybe they'll all be so disappointed that they'll move to the city we live in and watch them :).

If they gave me the $15,000 raise, then the nanny would really only cost a net of $20k (or less if I get decent stock options). I realize that this isn't exact because I'd be paying the nanny with mostly after tax money (we would qualify for the child care tax credit and could put $5k in flexible spending for daycare).

JoyBlogette

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #90 on: August 12, 2014, 11:39:30 AM »
It sounds to me like your dad was coming from the perspective of "you are able to quit if you want, don't feel pressured to go back to work, you can afford it if you want to stay home".  If you are having trouble thinking of yourself as a SAHM.  I can relate to that.  Currently I am still torn between wanting to stay home and wanting to keep my "work" identity.

zhelud

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #91 on: August 12, 2014, 11:45:20 AM »
I looked into it and it looks like I could get a nanny for about $35k per year.  I was thinking about work versus staying home this morning and was thinking maybe I make an offer to my employer that would seal the deal for me.  Maybe I say - "I love working here and I would like to continue working after the babies are born.  However, as you know daycare is extremely expensive here, especially times two.  I ran the numbers and in order for it to make sense financially for me to continue working I would need a $15,000 increase in my base salary." Maybe I could also get them to throw in stock options since I know they are available.

I don't know what your workplace is like, but if I said that to my employer, he would say "Bye! Sorry you can't afford to work here. Enjoy being at home with the babies! Send some pictures!"  But maybe you have a good business case to make about how they should give you a raise because you are awesome.

But why do married women always seem to think that they should compare child care costs with their income alone? I think it is wiser to do the calculation assuming that 50% of the costs come from each spouse's earnings, even if one earns more, and also to take into account that each working spouse may get promotions and pay raises over time, or have the opportunity to take a higher-paying job due to accumulated experience.     

COlady

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #92 on: August 12, 2014, 12:01:01 PM »
I looked into it and it looks like I could get a nanny for about $35k per year.  I was thinking about work versus staying home this morning and was thinking maybe I make an offer to my employer that would seal the deal for me.  Maybe I say - "I love working here and I would like to continue working after the babies are born.  However, as you know daycare is extremely expensive here, especially times two.  I ran the numbers and in order for it to make sense financially for me to continue working I would need a $15,000 increase in my base salary." Maybe I could also get them to throw in stock options since I know they are available.

I don't know what your workplace is like, but if I said that to my employer, he would say "Bye! Sorry you can't afford to work here. Enjoy being at home with the babies! Send some pictures!"  But maybe you have a good business case to make about how they should give you a raise because you are awesome.

But why do married women always seem to think that they should compare child care costs with their income alone? I think it is wiser to do the calculation assuming that 50% of the costs come from each spouse's earnings, even if one earns more, and also to take into account that each working spouse may get promotions and pay raises over time, or have the opportunity to take a higher-paying job due to accumulated experience.   

If you read my thread from the beginning you would see that I've done a huge amount of analysis on this.  We can afford for me to stay home if that's what we choose.  I wouldn't bring my husband's earnings into the discussion with my employer because that isn't their business.  My job is in high demand - I've received two calls in one week from recruiters.  For my employer this would be a business decision, do we give her the pay raise and stock options or do we go through the pain of finding another qualified candidate (in a competitive market) and spend an entire year training them? It took them an entire year to train me to do my job. This company is not hurting for money.

Gray Matter

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #93 on: August 12, 2014, 06:57:29 PM »
I don't know what your workplace is like, but if I said that to my employer, he would say "Bye! Sorry you can't afford to work here. Enjoy being at home with the babies! Send some pictures!"  But maybe you have a good business case to make about how they should give you a raise because you are awesome.   

I agree with zhelud that your business case to your employer should have nothing to do with the cost of daycare.  In theory, you get paid based on the work you do and the value you bring, not based on how much money you need.  It's not like you're suddenly 15K more valuable because you have daycare costs, so that's not relevant to the conversation.  It sounds like you have a strong case, based on the fact that recruiters are calling you, so focus on the value you bring to the company and what that's worth.

In your own head, of course, you've done a cost benefit analysis to working, so you know what your bottom line is.  Good luck with this decision!

tweezers

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #94 on: August 13, 2014, 09:12:43 AM »
Thank you to the people who provided input on what they did, it's helpful. I don't plan on quitting until I know I want to. Is it wrong to tell an employer you'll be back from maternity leave and then decide at the end that you don't want to come back?
As a manager. I hate when people do that. But they do it.

Better to say that you plan to come back but are not 100% sure.  Who knows, you may get a promotion if they really want to keep you.

First, congratulations!!! 

Second, despite what others on this thread think, you should always say you are not sure what your post-maternity leave plans are  because you're not.  No one can predict the future, and your situation may change drastically between the time your babies are born and the end of your leave.  You can't be sure whether you're going to love being an at-home parent or would rather work.  More seriously, what if something tragic happens to your spouse (injury/death) that necessitates you returning to work.  You need to protect you and your family by ensuring that the returning-to-work option is open to you. 

I'm a manager and I get that its less than convenient to hold a position for someone that might not be returning.  However, any manager with a shred of sense would understand that leaving her options open is the intelligent and appropriate thing for a woman to do. 

Good luck on your journey to motherhood!!

COlady

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #95 on: August 13, 2014, 09:50:47 AM »
I understand what both of you are saying about my salary being dependent on what I'm worth, not what my expenses are.  But honestly, there are a lot of people at my company that are paid a whole heck of a lot more than what they're "worth".  Isn't it like that everywhere? So essentially, it would be like me saying this is what it's worth to me to keep working, am I worth it to you? I may need to figure out a better way of wording it.  Maybe I just say "my husband and I went through our budget and it just doesn't make sense for me to continue working and paying for a nanny at my current salary." That gives them the opening to say, well what if we paid you more?

COlady

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #96 on: August 13, 2014, 09:55:12 AM »
Oh and Tweezers, thank you for the comments. I guess they're still obligated to hold my job even if I say I'm not sure rather than I'll absolutely be back.

mozar

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #97 on: August 13, 2014, 06:56:34 PM »
They are obligated to hold it during fmla, that's it. But I still wouldn't tell them your thoughts about leaving.

Since you are hearing from recruiters, can you  get a job offer from another company and leverage it for more $, maternity leave? I am in a relatively high demand field. A job offered me a 15% raise, 3 months of mat leave on top of fmla, 4 weeks pto ( I have 3 now). I took it (duh).

There are always jobs with better benefits out there. I still wouldn't frame it as a day care issue.

p.s. On one of the forums one person said they get 34 days pto!

Magpie

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #98 on: August 13, 2014, 08:29:52 PM »
If your boss is not "kid-friendly" as mentioned earlier, I don't know if using your childcare expenses as justification for a raise is the best course of action.  Leveraging offers from another company would keep the focus on your value as a highly skilled employee.  There are so many variables with your situation.  Do they know you're expecting yet?  If so, was the news well received with enthusiasm or resignation?   

I have 2 small children and work full-time outside the home.  When I accepted my current position, the pay certainly was an important consideration.  After all, it has to be worth my time after childcare costs.  But, almost as important were generous leave policies, flexible scheduling, and a supportive work environment.  My boss is also a working mother and is completely understanding when I have to leave when a child is sick, or there's a preschool meeting.  That's extremely valuable to me at the stage of life I'm in.

MicroRN

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Re: SAHM or Continue Working???
« Reply #99 on: August 14, 2014, 12:00:33 PM »
...No one, and I mean no one, not even a nanny, will take care of your child like you will be able to take care of your child.

I have not found this to be universally true, at least not in my case.  In my case, it's a combination of having found a truly exceptional nanny and not being a very good stay-at-home mom.  I do not have the temperament for it, and our nanny takes better care of our kids than I could if I were home with them all day, every day.  (Being away from them all day, every day is hard, too, in an entirely different way.  Ideally, you will have some flexibility to find what works for you.)

I'll agree with Gray Matter here.  We have a lovely nanny who is educated and experienced in early childhood development.  She's warm and loving to the kids, but is also far more consistent than I am about setting boundaries and following rules.  She takes them out all the time, to parks, to the zoo, everywhere.   

I was not a good SAHM.  I got grumpy and irritated being at home all day with two small ones.  We have a great balance now, and everyone is happy.  I work part time, and we have the nanny to cover my work hours plus about 5 extra hours a week, so I can run some errands alone.  With some away time each week, I'm able to be much better with the kids.