Author Topic: Why do I balk at receiving gifts from parents?  (Read 5416 times)

johndoe

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Why do I balk at receiving gifts from parents?
« on: July 23, 2016, 07:20:57 AM »
My mother's biggest joys in life seem to be related to giving and spending time with her two kids.  My whole life she's gone overboard on Christmas, birthday, etc.  Growing up we were in good financial shape; we were without a doubt frugal.  These values were instilled in me and I'm sure led me to where I am now.  Now my empty nest parents are retired, financially independent, and from what I can tell, probably as wealthy as they've ever been.  They've (specifically my mother) started giving more and more, and I feel uncomfortable just from an independece standpoint.  I don't feel my parents are trying to dictate my spending or hold it over my head.  They've paid for portions of my car, college ,and even a down payment, but I feel at age 29 it's weird.  I could without a doubt survive without the gifts, but I feel awkward.

I've read other threads on here but generally they focus on whether or not to accept gifts.  I'm coming more from the area "why do I not want this? ".  For instance, I'm happy to accept my dad's help with things like car and home maintenance.  Sure I'll pay him back in meals etc. but why do I treat monetary gifts differently? Heaven knows I care about gathering money ; for God's sake I've signed up for an internet forum about it :)  One day (hopefully far away) they will pass and I'm sure money will be left to me.  Will this make me feel weird? Should it? Is there a point where wanting to be financially self-sustaining is going too far?

iris lily

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Re: Why do I balk at receiving gifts from parents?
« Reply #1 on: July 23, 2016, 07:28:34 AM »
I am old and am your mother's age. I wouldn't mind  throwing some money toward my successful, financially responsible children. I would always be mindful that I might meed the big money  for a nursing home and old age care, but small amounts would give me pleasure to give.

SwordGuy

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Re: Why do I balk at receiving gifts from parents?
« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2016, 07:59:15 AM »
I am old and am your mother's age. I wouldn't mind  throwing some money toward my successful, financially responsible children. I would always be mindful that I might meed the big money  for a nursing home and old age care, but small amounts would give me pleasure to give.

Yep.  Because it makes her happy to help you out.

(You already eliminated the other reason, because it gives control.)

Kaspian

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Re: Why do I balk at receiving gifts from parents?
« Reply #3 on: July 23, 2016, 10:10:19 AM »
It's awkward for me too.  Other than education, my parents didn't help me too much financially, but the gift thing (even between siblings) was getting totally out of hand--especially when my brothers and sisters started having kids.  I suggested for Christmas that everyone just bring lots of homemade food instead of gifts for each other.  ...That didn't stop my folks from trying to give, but it certainly curtailed the tidal wave of crap presents between all other family members.  We like it now--it's more of a stomach-stretching pig out party than a material goods festival.  Honestly, most sane people really don't want more "stuff" because their homes are already packed to the rafters.

Dicey

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Re: Why do I balk at receiving gifts from parents?
« Reply #4 on: July 23, 2016, 11:03:05 AM »
Preamble: Once I moved out of their home, my parents didn't pay for anything for me. Even prior to that, in fact. I bought my own car with earnings from my first job. I paid for my own college, my own cancer treatment (Though I did move back home for about four months during recovery.) Hmmm, I bought my first house (and all subsequent houses) without any outside help. I paid for my own braces and travel. I finally got married very late in life and strangely, did not get any kind of wedding gift. Maybe they were mad because we eloped, IDK. (Don't think so, they loved DH. And I was too busy being happy to notice that there wasn't a gift. And no, money was not tight for them. They earned more in retirement than several of their children who worked full time.)

All along, my parents helped my sibs and their families. I was quite proud of my independence, and grateful for the skills they'd taught me so that I could be a successful adult - really, truly grateful, even though the above could read as a little bitter.
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Point: my mom used to send small checks from both of them for birthdays and Christmas, usually $25, occasionally $50. Once, after I'd done some big stuff* for them, she sent a thank you card with a check for $100, which was a nice surprise. In the past two years, both of my parents have passed away. ***I am going to miss those small checks at predictable intervals, even though I never needed the money.***

Take the gifts if it makes them happy and they can afford it and they don't compromise your integrity/independence. Someday your parents will be gone and you might wish you had. By then it will be too late.


*Funny, I can't remember exactly why, but I remember the unexpected check. I used to book all of their travel because they were not Internet savvy. I think I may have given them some free - oh, I remember now - a relative on the other coast passed away and I used my mileage to buy them last-minute, first class, round-trip airfare. It took some wrangling, but I was happy I pulled it off for them.

marble_faun

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Re: Why do I balk at receiving gifts from parents?
« Reply #5 on: July 23, 2016, 11:47:55 AM »
Here's my sense:

If you've signed up for this web site, you strongly value the concept of "independence."  While your parents are still helping to pay for major expenses and propping you up behind the scenes, you are not truly independent.  Their gifts have the effect of maintaining your dependent, kid-like state.  Gifts also create obligations and can be the means for the wealthier party to control the less wealthy party (even if your parents don't really intend it that way).

From what you've described, your parents are just trying to be kind.  Probably it makes them happy to imagine supporting you and being a part of your success.  You'll have to consider whether the pride aspect is worth turning down their gifts.

lifejoy

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Re: Why do I balk at receiving gifts from parents?
« Reply #6 on: July 23, 2016, 12:29:17 PM »
Thank you for this post! I'm in exactly the same place as you, but didn't know how to describe it so eloquently.

Luckily I've had the chance to talk it over with some mustachians on here (big shout out to HappieratHome).

Here is what I've unpacked about myself, and maybe it will hold true for you:

My parents have always been very frugal. And now they are FIRED. They've been giving me increasingly big financial gifts, and it has made me feel really weird!! Instead of being like, oh, yay! I'm more like: Uhm, thank you?

It has been very weird for me to accept these gifts. Now, my parents have explained that they enjoy helping me and my husband NOW, because much later in life if we inherit my parents' savings, we'll be FIRE by then and it won't make as big of a difference to us. They see it as giving us a huge lift up now, rather than giving us money later when it doesn't even effect us.

So. That's them. For me, it seems to make me feel weird because I strongly identify as being independent and frugal. Being given money feels like cheating, or unearned, or entitlement. It also messes up my sense of identity. I now feel like a trust fund kid instead of a humble hardworking kid. Turns out, I can kind of be both, but it was a bit jarring to me to jump into a different economic class than the one my parents grew up in, and the one I was raised in.

Growing up, my kid sister once lamented, "why do we have to eat like a poor family?" Because she knew we had money, but she also knew we were eating $1 meals. So I grew up frugally, and now my parents are rich and sharing the wealth. Wtf?!

It's hard for me to get used to, but I just remind myself that it makes my parents happy and they wouldn't be doing it if I wasn't responsible, independent, financially solvent.

My grandparents were incredibly frugal and had blue collar jobs and passed away with a fortune on the bank that they had never spent. My parents are trying to avoid leaving so much untouched.

Does this help? Are our feelings similar? I'd love to talk to you about this, because it's not something I would bring up with my IRL friends. Can you imagine? "I feel weird because my now-wealthy parents are giving me so much money" - haha yeah, even on here I find that hard to share.

Anyways good luck :)

Choices

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Re: Why do I balk at receiving gifts from parents?
« Reply #7 on: July 23, 2016, 01:01:27 PM »
It's great that you're responsible and not freeloading and that your parents enjoy giving. Yay to you both!

Do you feel that your parents think you depend on this money? DO you depend on it? If so, then maybe that's the issue. When you are confident in your financial independence it won't feel so weird.

If you both know that it's just a lovely bonus, then let them enjoy being generous. You can save the money for your own retirement and pay it forward later.

Some parents also want to keep things equal among their kids. My sister is a taker and asks for money, gifts, family heirlooms, etc. without any shame. Receiving these things is what makes her feel loved and special. I don't need or want anything from my family except to spend quality time together, but it makes my mother feel uncomfortable to not give us equal amounts. We have had many conversations about it over the years, and now that we both know the reasons, it's less awkward. If she gives us a gift we don't need, we just say thank you.

Dicey

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Re: Why do I balk at receiving gifts from parents?
« Reply #8 on: July 23, 2016, 01:12:40 PM »
It has been very weird for me to accept these gifts. Now, my parents have explained that they enjoy helping me and my husband NOW, because much later in life if we inherit my parents' savings, we'll be FIRE by then and it won't make as big of a difference to us. They see it as giving us a huge lift up now, rather than giving us money later when it doesn't even effect us.
Such a wise observation, LJ! My parent's estate should settle within the next 6-8 months. I'm from a big family, so my portion will be in the low-ish five figures.They had great retirement income, but not huge assets left after their end-of-life care was paid for. The inheritance will not change my  FIRE life one bit. I plan on doling it out to my favorite charities, which is fun, but not life-changing.

OTOH, I inherited 6k from my grandfather when I was 30. I was saving for a house and that $6k gave me the courage to pull the trigger. That purchase set me on the path to FIRE. Many years later, five, six or even seven times that amount won't have nearly the same impact.

K-ice

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Re: Why do I balk at receiving gifts from parents?
« Reply #9 on: July 23, 2016, 01:32:06 PM »
I balk too but I still usually get the gift, I just delay it by a bit.

My parents are divorced. One has always given freely the other not.

They are both in similar financial situations.

However, I know the generous one has helped my sibling out enormously. A crazy amount of money time & time again. Sometimes the help is truly needed, medical bills, but most times it just enables a lifestyle of BMWs & fine wine.

I know that when my parent offers to help with a big expense that they have likely just helped my sibling with something.

I wish I could just take the equivalent money & save it but they want me to spend it on something.

The last big thing was helping with our bathroom renovation.

I am very greatful & hope they stay cash flow positive enough that I will never need to help them in return.

Honestly, I am a bit concerned with that, considering how much help my sibling gets.

I know a very generous parent. He has bought properties for each child. Not just down payment help but free & clear homes in his kids names. His attitude is that it is better to give with a warm hand then a cold hand.

All the kids are good kids. One was Validactorian with full med school scholarship so giving money won't ruin all kids.



lostamonkey

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Re: Why do I balk at receiving gifts from parents?
« Reply #10 on: July 23, 2016, 01:39:10 PM »
Here's my sense:

If you've signed up for this web site, you strongly value the concept of "independence."  While your parents are still helping to pay for major expenses and propping you up behind the scenes, you are not truly independent.  Their gifts have the effect of maintaining your dependent, kid-like state.  Gifts also create obligations and can be the means for the wealthier party to control the less wealthy party (even if your parents don't really intend it that way).

From what you've described, your parents are just trying to be kind.  Probably it makes them happy to imagine supporting you and being a part of your success.  You'll have to consider whether the pride aspect is worth turning down their gifts.

This is my point of view as well. It is why I don't accept big gifts from my parents.

lifejoy

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Re: Why do I balk at receiving gifts from parents?
« Reply #11 on: July 23, 2016, 02:12:08 PM »
Here's my sense:

If you've signed up for this web site, you strongly value the concept of "independence."  While your parents are still helping to pay for major expenses and propping you up behind the scenes, you are not truly independent.  Their gifts have the effect of maintaining your dependent, kid-like state.  Gifts also create obligations and can be the means for the wealthier party to control the less wealthy party (even if your parents don't really intend it that way).

From what you've described, your parents are just trying to be kind.  Probably it makes them happy to imagine supporting you and being a part of your success.  You'll have to consider whether the pride aspect is worth turning down their gifts.

This is my point of view as well. It is why I don't accept big gifts from my parents.

Yeah pros and cons.  I have a really good relationship with my parents and I'm very independent overall, so accepting sporadic gifts just works for me. But it did take me some time to get used to the idea, and it does make me uncomfortable.

Let me put it this way, if you came to own a winning lottery ticket, would you say "oh no thank you, I'm too independent for this windfall"? I don't have that much pride, myself, but YMMV.

LeRainDrop

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Re: Why do I balk at receiving gifts from parents?
« Reply #12 on: July 23, 2016, 02:22:58 PM »
The reason I balk at receiving gifts from my parents is that neither of them is in as good place financially as I am and they both have spending habits that make me nervous for them.  I would much rather that they take good care of themselves and ensure their own security.  Honestly, that would be one of the best gifts they could give me.

CmFtns

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Re: Why do I balk at receiving gifts from parents?
« Reply #13 on: July 23, 2016, 02:34:15 PM »
I hate the gift giving culture and always tell my parents or whoever else that I really don't need or want anything and do not want to participate or be involved in pointless gift exchanging... Now after someone knows this and still continues to gift me things for some reason then I will accept without feeling bad or indebted to give back in a material gift type of way.

I think gifts meant to pass on wealth are a different category and one shouldn't feel bad about receiving these types of gifts... It is just changing the timing of when the wealth is transferred. Most people don't feel bad about receiving money through a death/inheritance so I don't understand why one would feel bad about receiving such a gift while the giver is living.

I can perfectly understand a financially well off relative wanting to help out a younger family member at a time when it really helps out rather than later in life. If my parents or a relative was financially well of and desired to help me out I would not object to receiving money now rather than receiving some sort of large windfall at a point when it makes no difference to my life.

lostamonkey

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Re: Why do I balk at receiving gifts from parents?
« Reply #14 on: July 23, 2016, 02:53:27 PM »
Here's my sense:

If you've signed up for this web site, you strongly value the concept of "independence."  While your parents are still helping to pay for major expenses and propping you up behind the scenes, you are not truly independent.  Their gifts have the effect of maintaining your dependent, kid-like state.  Gifts also create obligations and can be the means for the wealthier party to control the less wealthy party (even if your parents don't really intend it that way).

From what you've described, your parents are just trying to be kind.  Probably it makes them happy to imagine supporting you and being a part of your success.  You'll have to consider whether the pride aspect is worth turning down their gifts.

This is my point of view as well. It is why I don't accept big gifts from my parents.

Yeah pros and cons.  I have a really good relationship with my parents and I'm very independent overall, so accepting sporadic gifts just works for me. But it did take me some time to get used to the idea, and it does make me uncomfortable.

Let me put it this way, if you came to own a winning lottery ticket, would you say "oh no thank you, I'm too independent for this windfall"? I don't have that much pride, myself, but YMMV.

The value of the gift also matters to me. I am a lot more comfortable accepting smaller gifts (<$100) compared to larger gifts. I am also more comfortable letting them pay for an activity we do together (travel, sports game, movie) compared to actually giving me the cash.

If I came into owning a winning lottery ticket I would accept the windfall. If the windfall made me FI, I would be happy but my ego would take a hit since I did not actually "earn" it. 

lifejoy

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Re: Why do I balk at receiving gifts from parents?
« Reply #15 on: July 23, 2016, 03:21:01 PM »
Here's my sense:

[...]

If I came into owning a winning lottery ticket I would accept the windfall. If the windfall made me FI, I would be happy but my ego would take a hit since I did not actually "earn" it.

I can relate to that.

johndoe

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Re: Why do I balk at receiving gifts from parents?
« Reply #16 on: July 23, 2016, 04:30:51 PM »
So I grew up frugally, and now my parents are rich and sharing the wealth. Wtf?!
Totally agreed...maybe it's since we've been conditioned to act one way and then we see our parents turn 180 degrees.

Some parents also want to keep things equal among their kids.
That's at play here too.  My sister isn't "mooching", but I'm probably in "better" shape economically than her and her husband.  Now that I think about it, when they start having kids my parents will probably pepper them with gifts and feel obligated to treat me to something equal.  Oh no.  I better start spending more.

Astatine

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Re: Why do I balk at receiving gifts from parents?
« Reply #17 on: July 23, 2016, 06:48:20 PM »
Here's my sense:

If you've signed up for this web site, you strongly value the concept of "independence."  While your parents are still helping to pay for major expenses and propping you up behind the scenes, you are not truly independent.  Their gifts have the effect of maintaining your dependent, kid-like state.  Gifts also create obligations and can be the means for the wealthier party to control the less wealthy party (even if your parents don't really intend it that way).

From what you've described, your parents are just trying to be kind.  Probably it makes them happy to imagine supporting you and being a part of your success.  You'll have to consider whether the pride aspect is worth turning down their gifts.

This was my reaction reading the OP, particularly since the OP is relatively young.

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Why do I balk at receiving gifts from parents?
« Reply #18 on: July 25, 2016, 08:38:00 AM »
I can see how such gifts could make you feel uncomfortable or feel like you'd lost your independence.  But what if you invest that money towards ER, and keep working and living on your own income, without any lifestyle inflation?

To paraphrase Dave Ramsey, "live like nobody else now, so you can live like nobody else later."  Your parents lived frugally when you were young, which has helped put them in a strong financial position now.  There's no shame in that, nor in their desires to share that wealth with their children.  IMO, the only shame would be if you spent the gifts on hedonistic adaptation/lifestyle inflation, and/or started acting entitled.

If they're showering you with non-cash gifts (gadgets, clothes, whatever), then yeah, it becomes a lot more awkward.

JoJo

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Re: Why do I balk at receiving gifts from parents?
« Reply #19 on: July 25, 2016, 06:03:48 PM »
I had a frugal upbringing as my dad was purchasing & farming land but they've been gifting me money over the last 10 years as their wealth has increased.  Often it's because they've gifted my brother or sister for various purposes - a new vehicle, fixing a roof, etc as they have much lower paying jobs and have families.   My parents always tell me they give more to my siblings than me and that doesn't bother me.  Also, my parents live in a state that has a pretty low limit for estate taxes so I know that anything that isn't gifted is going to get taxed at 10-16% at a later date.