Why are referring to your Dad as an enemy? He's family too you know. I doubt if this was your Mom, randoms on this forum would feel this way.
Your Dad needs help too. Maybe not the kind you want to take on or recognize, but he does.
How old are they?
At what age is it okay to take care of them to you?
5 kids and no one likes the father?
Ahem, none of these questions will sort out or impact the problem at hand in any way.
You seem to think the dad needs help too - hello, what do you think the counseling he mentioned was all about? It is the dad who refuses to go - is that enough of an answer for you? Naw, this man will only respond to someone who is bigger and meaner than him. He will get extremely unpleasant when he does not get his way - can you read just a little bit between the lines here as to what that really means?
He's terrorized his wife for years - verbal abuse is beyond damaging to the psyche. It takes years to recover from that and there are still plenty of people who don't get what that is all about. Verbal abuse is someone hammering at you day in and day out, until you yourself believe you are stupid, incompetent and worthless or whatever the hell it is that particular person harped on.
Religion only intensifies the problem.
I tell you exactly what he will respond to beautifully - man to man - to a guy who not only tells him like it is, but who knows how to outsmart the old wily fox. A man who lets him know the buck stops here and drives home the point in no uncertain terms.
You did read that he was contrite and more helpful for a while after a talk, right? The issue is he does not want the job offered, but he also does nothing around the house to help.
I don't know about your family, but I tell you what, since you mentioned immigrant families, even in the old country my grandfather did his part - everyone did what they could. My 80 yr old granfather watched and played with the kids, helped them with homework, (he was a teacher), helped with dinner prep and did whatever little bit of clean up he could manage.
This guy is taking advantage and the people who need help are the people he is staying with, not the other way around!
You think age is an excuse? Why for him exactly? His wife is still working and he has no qualms about that at all. They are not so old and ill that they can't move into their own place - it is simply more convenient for the old man to stay put and enjoy the service and apparently especially the food:)
I doubt that mom is all that keen on living alone with him, he doesn't sound like a pleasant fellow to be around.
It is a tough situation for everyone, but clearly caused by this one person alone. Family isn't easy, you do what you can, but sometimes you must stand up for yourself or you'll get trampled or browbeaten like his wife.
I think the OP has enough distance to see what is going on here - this man has decided he is retired which in his world means - FU I'm not doing nothing anymore. Let them throw a fit every so often I can deal with that - I'll just growl and huff and puff like I've always done, I know how to get my way in the end.
Good heavens even the pastor talked to this man already, do you have any idea what has to happen and how ugly a situation has to be before a pastor will talk to a man?
Rant over - sorry, OP no offense to you I hope. Some situations cannot be fixed by being nice and understanding - even Jesus kicked over the tables in the temple and threw out the gamblers/merchants.....
I fervently hope it all ends well for everyone concerned.