Author Topic: Respect my space  (Read 7602 times)

hoping2retire35

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Respect my space
« on: May 20, 2016, 12:54:10 PM »
Going to try and limit this post and not unload on the MMM community.

So there is an ongoing conflict with my parents (months/years) and every so often, today included, they have called several times while I am at work and I am sure they will just show up at our house tomorrow morning, uninvited. It infuriates me that they have no concept that I am working and cannot even wait until the evening to call. Imagine all those crazy concepts and manipulation people do that you learned in psychology class and then you will know what I am dealing with. Wife and I are both pretty tired from the week and just don't want to deal with guest and they are both elderly (ish) and cannot watch the kids so we just really want to keep things limited(on top of the weird manipulation). Realize, I have a lot of siblings so if I were to just say "stay away, I am tired I do not want to see you" it has a lot of repercussions and misrepresentations by the time it gets to everyone(the moment it leaves my parents mouths (\sarcasm but true)).

So, how do I call and communicate that I don't want them to come to the house so we can discuss (un)said issues?

Khaetra

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2016, 01:01:36 PM »
Either lie (I'm sorry, but we were invited to go to (place) and won't be around this weekend), or tell them the truth.  You're time is valuable to you and your SO, so while it may cause hurt feelings be honest and tell them they are no longer allowed to show up uninvited, period.  Until you put your foot down, the privacy invasion will continue.

Rezdent

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2016, 01:03:21 PM »
Please call first before you come over.  I don't want you to make a wasted trip.  You DON'T need to give any reason.

MrsDinero

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2016, 01:06:29 PM »
Please call first before you come over.  I don't want you to make a wasted trip.  You DON'T need to give any reason.

And if they show up on your doorstep then say "this is really not a good time.  can you please call before coming next time?"

RyanAtTanagra

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #4 on: May 20, 2016, 02:05:25 PM »
Use this an excuse to go away this weekend!  Go spontaneous camping tonight.  Then when they show up and you're not there and they get upset that they wasted a trip and why couldn't you even answer their call so they would have known you wouldn't be there, yadda yadda yadda, you can say you were off the grid and couldn't get their call, and you can set that precedent that they can't assume you're just always going to be where they want.

I did a similar thing with people when I first got a cell phone and was worried people would expect me to always answer when they called, because hey you have your phone on you why didn't you answer?  So about half the time even if I could answer I don't, just so people get used to the idea that they don't always get me right away.
« Last Edit: May 20, 2016, 02:08:56 PM by RyanAtTanagra »

BFGirl

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #5 on: May 20, 2016, 02:19:54 PM »
Use this an excuse to go away this weekend!  Go spontaneous camping tonight.  Then when they show up and you're not there and they get upset that they wasted a trip and why couldn't you even answer their call so they would have known you wouldn't be there, yadda yadda yadda, you can say you were off the grid and couldn't get their call, and you can set that precedent that they can't assume you're just always going to be where they want.

I did a similar thing with people when I first got a cell phone and was worried people would expect me to always answer when they called, because hey you have your phone on you why didn't you answer?  So about half the time even if I could answer I don't, just so people get used to the idea that they don't always get me right away.

I do the same thing with the cell phone.  It is for my convenience, not so anyone can have access to me anytime they want.

hoping2retire35

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #6 on: May 20, 2016, 02:31:27 PM »
Use this an excuse to go away this weekend!  Go spontaneous camping tonight.  Then when they show up and you're not there and they get upset that they wasted a trip and why couldn't you even answer their call so they would have known you wouldn't be there, yadda yadda yadda, you can say you were off the grid and couldn't get their call, and you can set that precedent that they can't assume you're just always going to be where they want.

I did a similar thing with people when I first got a cell phone and was worried people would expect me to always answer when they called, because hey you have your phone on you why didn't you answer?  So about half the time even if I could answer I don't, just so people get used to the idea that they don't always get me right away.

I do the same thing with the cell phone.  It is for my convenience, not so anyone can have access to me anytime they want.

I think that is why them showing up compounds my anger at the situation. I already do not like for people to call, ever, but to just show up and have to talk is like a cell phone nightmare with out the "uh, what...can't hear,you, phone is not working, I am driving right now...spotty coverage."

I really wanted a way to keep them away but since there this is a two part problem and it has one symptom. We are having a disagreement and they want to show up when we don't want them to come to the house AND when we are tired from the week and just need a break but since my parents physically cannot help with the kids we don't want them to come to the house(even if we are getting along).
« Last Edit: May 20, 2016, 02:33:45 PM by hoping2retire35 »

HipGnosis

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #7 on: May 20, 2016, 02:46:16 PM »
So, you're saying: You want to do things your way and they keep doing things their way.
I'm not sensing any effort at real communication from you much less compromise.
Saying "We don't want them to come to our house, ever" is just a terrible thing to say.

Is this how you want your kids to treat you someday?

FLBiker

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #8 on: May 20, 2016, 02:49:26 PM »
It is different in different cultures (and different generations) but I'm very much in the "call before you come over" camp.  And if it's not a good time, tell them.

You can't change people, all you can do is be clear in your communication and set boundaries.

ltt

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #9 on: May 20, 2016, 02:58:23 PM »
So, you're saying: You want to do things your way and they keep doing things their way.
I'm not sensing any effort at real communication from you much less compromise.
Saying "We don't want them to come to our house, ever" is just a terrible thing to say.

Is this how you want your kids to treat you someday?

Agree with this 100%!!

The OP doesn't seem to care or not if the children have a relationship with their grandparents---how very sad.


hoping2retire35

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #10 on: May 20, 2016, 02:58:41 PM »
^^last three responses

this is why I was asking for help for communication. I am tired as shit and don't want guest, they and seemingly others, interpert this to me that I don't want guests period. they will conflate my actual frustration with them now, and not wanting them to come over, to (hopefully sometime in the future) I don't want them as guests ever

prognastat

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #11 on: May 20, 2016, 02:58:51 PM »
So, you're saying: You want to do things your way and they keep doing things their way.
I'm not sensing any effort at real communication from you much less compromise.
Saying "We don't want them to come to our house, ever" is just a terrible thing to say.

Is this how you want your kids to treat you someday?

Showing up unannounced and uninvited yes that is unacceptable. I will generally accommodate my family, but they definitely aren't showing up unannounced and if they did I would be very unhappy with them.

Playing with Fire UK

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #12 on: May 20, 2016, 03:17:35 PM »
Is there a way to see who is at the door before you answer it? Is there a way to leave out the back door without being seen from the front?

Mention on the phone you might be going out this weekend, please call first, don't waste a trip. Don't answer phone, don't answer door.

You are not required to put your life on hold in case your family decide to drop by.

LadyMuMu

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #13 on: May 20, 2016, 03:32:45 PM »
Don't hide, don't lie. If you want your parents to respect you like a fellow adult, you need to act like one. Be pleasant but firm and don't wait until they're on your last nerve before you finally act--you will regret how you behave if nothing else.

First, you need to call them and ask to come over for a short visit (model the behavior you want them to do). Once there, explain that you have allowed yourself to fall into a bad pattern with them that is damaging your relationship to them and your career. To have a better, adult relationship you will need to start being clear about your boundaries. You will only take emergency calls at work--anything else needs to be conducted on non-company time. Also, you ask that they call to see if you're available before coming over. Admit that you'll both need to get used to these new habits and that you're willing to help by vocalizing them when necessary. Then tell them that you love them and hope this will help clear up a lot of bad feelings.

Then, when they call you at work, ask if it is an emergency. If not, then politely remind them that you won't take personal calls while on company time. Ask them to call back at the house that night. When they show up at your doorstep uninvited or unannounced, reiterate that they didn't call first and that you cannot visit right now. Hug them and shut the door.

Finally, if your parents are always the ones who initiate calls/visits you may find it helpful to be more proactive in reaching out to them. Make  a habit of calling them once a week on the same day/same time. Invite them over once a month (or whatever feels right to you) and give a start and stop time. As for your brothers and sisters, this is epidemic in large families. You each need to have your own relationship with your parents. Gossip is an equal opportunity sin--both the teller and the listener are at fault. Decline to participate in talking or listening to smack your parents dish out about your sibs, your sibs about your parents, or sibs about sibs. You'll all be better off for it.

Frankies Girl

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #14 on: May 20, 2016, 04:07:20 PM »
Tagging on to what LadyMuMu said...

You can retrain them to respect your boundaries.  But it is a bit of work on your part, and it requires putting up with some pushback when they don't get their way.

First is to stop answering the phone every time they call you. Sure, listen if they leave a voice message and address any "we're on our way to your house!" stuff, but if it's just a constant calling at inconvenient times, wait until it is a convenient time to call them back and tell them "I really can't chat with you during work hours or through the week so unless it's an emergency please don't call me at work/during dinner time/whatever. I'll call to chat on day/time" (usually once a week or once a month - whatever feels comfortable to your schedule).

As far as the visits, yeah you have to tell them that they can't drop by or decide to come over without clearing it with you first. It doesn't have to be painful, but you do need to probably do this face to face and go into the convo without angst or frustration. Just tell them something to the effect of:

"Look we love you and would like to spend some time together, but with our work schedules, the amount of stuff we have to catch up with on the weekends like errands, house work, detoxing from a stressful work week and then all the kid's activities, we need to have plenty of advanced notice to schedule a visit with you. We need down time and want to relax sometimes just by ourselves, or might already have plans made with friends or other family. Please don't drop buy unannounced or make plans to visit without checking with us first because we sometimes can't get to things we really needed to get done because you are here unannounced. I think it might help if we say one Saturday a month, we get together and 'watch a movie/cook out/whatever' but let's hash it out now, and anything else that might come up with you, please call and check with us to make sure we have time in our schedule."

So yeah, basically what LadyMuMu said.

The other posters that are bemoaning the fact that it is faaaaaamily must have never had to deal with bad inlaws/relatives before and don't get that they can be a huge mess of a problem to deal with when there are no boundaries established. Hell no you don't want your kids seeing their grandparents walk all over you like you're a damned doormat; they'll just treat you the same as they get older or worse act that way with friends or their future family and won't understand how to grow a polite spine and why the don't have any friends that like hanging out with them.

And really wouldn't it be much better to model occasional wanted visits rather than "oh crap here comes the pain in the asses again" and get treated like crap and snarky behavior likely to be seen and noted on both sides? Because if you know you'll hang out with them for a few hours once a month, it can become a nice little visit instead, and the kids get to see their grandparents and they just might act nicer since they won't be taking your time together for granted as much.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling someone - even family - that something is off limits (unannounced visits/topics of conversation/whatever). Or telling them they should call first. Or telling them to stop doing something that is causing you anxiety/pain/angst. Or cutting them off completely if they are abusive, controlling or disrespectful (which includes ignoring you when you ask them to stop doing something). Just because you are related doesn't mean you give them a season's pass to treat you like crap. Be polite but firm and if they don't like it, they are welcome to stay away.
« Last Edit: May 20, 2016, 05:21:25 PM by Frankies Girl »

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #15 on: May 20, 2016, 04:50:31 PM »
I would call them back and tell them you are too busy this weekend and then set a date that they are invited to your house. That way you are in control.

hoping2retire35

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #16 on: May 20, 2016, 07:53:06 PM »
thank you for the responses everyone. it helped me to think through this current dilemma and to consider how to move forward in the future(hopefully this will get resolved.)

for those wanting the juice I will give you some without the unnecessary details,  it seems like I did not emphasize how manipulative and toxic they can be; I had the conversation more or less mapped out in my head. of course as soon as began to explain the situation and how I had been wronged over the last several months (prepared to say "I ll consider your apology..."), Nope, got turned around on me and I was the one to blame! I was not quick enough to turn it around but still kept my focus on that he was trying to put me in the middle of their fight and just firmly said no I won't get involved (hey, involving me in their fights is the good part of this situation :o (/sarcasm/sad but true))

sorry to those who thought i sounded like a dick earlier, i can see that now, as if I am some dick who doesnt let some old grandma give her grand kids candy or something. its more like someone who is on disability (and doesn't need to be..) takes 20-30 pills a day and could ....let the kids get to her pills, pass out if too comfortable, go into a blind rage for little to no reason, become very passive aggressive when she knows she can get away with it, they insult us when the opportunity strikes, just leave the kids to do whatever if left alone with them, the kids can NEVER visit them because they could have an entire season of Hoarders...definately not an exhaustive list but it is exhausting. when you are physically exhausted from watching little kids but combine that with listening to anything your parents might do or say exhausts mentally also, it is just too much.

thanks again everyone.

LeRainDrop

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #17 on: May 20, 2016, 08:34:35 PM »
I feel for you, man.  Sadly, it sounds like your parents are legitimately wacked out, and you really do need to kindly implement and enforce firm boundaries.  I went through a long period of letting my dad walk all over my time and emotional energy, which was exhausting -- it's been so much better since I've established boundaries and pretty much stick to them.  I'm on Team LadyMuMu and Frankies Girl.  Your primary focus is -- and should be -- to protect and nurture the family you have with your wife and kids.  Let your parents in on your own terms, not theirs.

Frankies Girl

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #18 on: May 20, 2016, 09:28:58 PM »
thank you for the responses everyone. it helped me to think through this current dilemma and to consider how to move forward in the future(hopefully this will get resolved.)

for those wanting the juice I will give you some without the unnecessary details,  it seems like I did not emphasize how manipulative and toxic they can be; I had the conversation more or less mapped out in my head. of course as soon as began to explain the situation and how I had been wronged over the last several months (prepared to say "I ll consider your apology..."), Nope, got turned around on me and I was the one to blame! I was not quick enough to turn it around but still kept my focus on that he was trying to put me in the middle of their fight and just firmly said no I won't get involved (hey, involving me in their fights is the good part of this situation :o (/sarcasm/sad but true))

sorry to those who thought i sounded like a dick earlier, i can see that now, as if I am some dick who doesnt let some old grandma give her grand kids candy or something. its more like someone who is on disability (and doesn't need to be..) takes 20-30 pills a day and could ....let the kids get to her pills, pass out if too comfortable, go into a blind rage for little to no reason, become very passive aggressive when she knows she can get away with it, they insult us when the opportunity strikes, just leave the kids to do whatever if left alone with them, the kids can NEVER visit them because they could have an entire season of Hoarders...definately not an exhaustive list but it is exhausting. when you are physically exhausted from watching little kids but combine that with listening to anything your parents might do or say exhausts mentally also, it is just too much.

thanks again everyone.

I figured there was something like this behind it. Been there, have the tee-shirt and the horrible psychological scarring and lots of therapy to boot! ;)

Big hugs for dealing with all that.


Would like to recommended a few books if you're interested in reading up on how to deal with toxic family:

Susan Forward's Emotional Blackmail and Toxic Parents. Stellar and eyeopening books. Some of the biggest takeaways are that you have a right to decide how you interact with people - even parents - and walk away to protect yourself or your spouse/children. And you don't have to justify or get drawn into excuses, who is "right" or whatever. "No" is a complete sentence. You don't owe them anything more than that if you've already explained what your boundaries are.

Another interesting read is Stop Walking On Eggshells by Paul Mason I believe. It deals with people with borderline personality disorder, but it applies well to family members that have a blatant disregard for boundaries and make wild demands and basically act like spoiled brat children.



I had to distance myself almost to the point of cut off with my own mother but she realized she was destroying our relationship and we're in a much better place now.

Unfortunately with the inlaws, we had to cut them off completely for 2 years, only reconnecting when FIL had a serious medical condition (and he later passed away).

We tried to keep in contact with MIL but she couldn't last very long before she started her awful behavior again, and she's back in cut off with the husband thinking it's permanent this time. He sends her a card for her birthday now. Used to send mother's day cards, but last year she mailed it back with a ranting stupid mess written inside it and also started leaving bizarre rants on voicemail so she's probably going to not get anything this year as he's pretty much done. She outright lies, threatens to kill herself, offers to crawl on her hands and knees if he only would speak to her and lots of fake crying and blubbering and then switches over to screaming and cursing. She accuses him of being greedy and selfish when that's exactly the behavior she has been called on many times (called "projecting" in psych speak). Sigh. She loves to claim everyone else hates her for no reason (oh, there are TONS of reasons!) and he's all she has and she doesn't know what she did... even after being told a half dozen times exactly what she did and what was expected from her. She pretends those convos never happened since that would mean admitting she did something wrong. And she is NEVER wrong. So she blew up her relationship because she can't stop being a nasty biatch who lies and demands worship and doesn't understand boundaries.

So yeah. Lots of experience with crazy. And we tried so hard in the early years with both sides of parents. One fortunately did have the ability to come around. The other is just a ball of nasty/crazy and better left alone, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, the husband has become a much nicer, happier, healthier person since removing her toxic influence from our life.

So that's another thing to think about; what are you getting from your relationship with your parents? If there is any good there, then keep trying if possible, but if there is nothing but crazy and you're getting PTSD from the phone ringing or the doorbell... might be a good idea to think about putting some more distance in the relationship.


mozar

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #19 on: May 20, 2016, 10:06:51 PM »
I went through a tough time with my mom for a few years. She had no boundaries,  was insulting and threw tantrums if she didn't get her way. I started putting up boundaries and she had so many meltdowns that I considered cutting her out of my life entirely. I stayed firm and she started to get it. It took about 5 to 10 years to figure out how we can have a (mostly) healthy relationship.

Jakejake

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #20 on: May 21, 2016, 09:18:50 AM »
I know this makes me a horrible person - but I can't help fantasizing about how fun it would be to orchestrate ridiculously uncomfortable situations when they appear unannounced at your house.

A group of "friends" (hired acting students?) are at your house and their activity of choice is dressing up as five year old girls having a tea party.

Or they are your jehovah's witness friends that you called over to help convert your parents.

Maybe they are your guy buddies and they like to hang out shirtless eating stinky cheese and bonus points if they can belch a lot.

Is there any chance you are now part of a group of beginner accordion players?

There are so many possibilities.

debbie does duncan

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #21 on: May 21, 2016, 01:19:47 PM »
You are not a dick. Your parents are the dicks!
Lady MuMu and Frankies Girl are right.

 It will be your job to teach your parents to be better parents.
 This will be hard but your kids will thank you.
Dr Susan Forward has great books.
 Raised by Narcissists on Reddit will prove you are not alone !

People who poo poo and say awwww its family have no clue.

mousebandit

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #22 on: May 21, 2016, 06:54:55 PM »
I would make the recommendation that your pre-scheduled, short visits with parents be at a nice park or other public area, where the children can play, without being in earshot of conversation, and also without being out of your sight.  I may tend to the more paranoid side of things, but I have dealt with lots of toxic family, and prescription abuse, and I would NOT have people of that type in my home, not even my own mother, on the possibility that they would end up alone with my child and say things that cannot be taken back.  I've seen it happen, and the children are the victims.  When adults are that far gone, there is no telling what inappropriate crap can come out of their mouths, and kids, especially little kids, internalize EVERYTHING, and are so easily emotionally manipulated.  SHIELD THEM at all costs. 

Additionally, consider that the closer the relationship the children develop with the grandparents, even if they're pretty good towards the kids, will just confuse the kids as they grow up, thinking that, well, grandma does this and that, but we love her anyways, so maybe it's not such a bad thing. 

Sadly, I have 3 brothers that I pretty much have no contact with, due to toxic behavior.  I love them, hope for the best for them, but wouldn't let them anywhere near my little kids.  It might be different if I didn't have kids at home, but then again, it might not.  My peace of mind and stability is also important. 

Anyways, my suggestion is what MuMu said, and keep get-togethers short and in public places, and keep your kids by your side at all times.  Good luck with this. 

MouseBandit

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #23 on: May 21, 2016, 07:23:45 PM »
It sucks that your parents don't respect your boundaries but when you say they can't physically watch the kids so you don't want them over does not sounds so great either. They are your parents! Just because of your comment about them pretty much being useless to you since they can't watch the kids and you are always tired, i interpreted this as you don't ever talk to your parents, visit them or let them visit. So it sounds like they found an alternate. And they probably don't call to let you know because you don't answer or call them back or maybe come up with an excuse so they just show up. Maybe i am wrong but reading your posts just came across to me that way.

Frugal Lizard

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #24 on: May 21, 2016, 07:35:42 PM »
I have to enforce my boundaries with the my mom - it is an ongoing process.  She had to enforce them with her mom but never fully recovered from the right toxic mess that was her childhood.  I had a much less toxic childhood but my mom is a narcissist and so is my dad but I only had to live with her.  I think the worst part about my relationships with parents in the past was how I felt so beaten down and bad after encounters with them.  And it should be that way.  I have been able to make some changes.  I now see my dad once a week and have an enjoyable visit.  I have to limit my mom to once every eight weeks because she lives farther away so each visit is a very big dose.

Do the reading - it so helps.  You need to gain the insight into the triggers and apply labels to the behaviour patterns.  Then, at some point in time the buttons that your parents push will be disconnected and you won't be angry or sad or feel guilty.  You won't have the same conversation / do the same dance yet again.  It will be new and you will be driving it.  It will not be terribly pleasant but you will feel jubilant afterwards.   It may take a long time to get to this point but you have taken a big step in posting this thread.  Protect your children, your spouse and yourself.

Playing with Fire UK

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #25 on: May 23, 2016, 03:13:30 AM »
I know this makes me a horrible person - but I can't help fantasizing about how fun it would be to orchestrate ridiculously uncomfortable situations when they appear unannounced at your house.
...
There are so many possibilities.

After many ignored requests, my parents only stopped 'dropping by' without calling ahead when I answered the door a sweaty mess wearing only a sheet and a smile

Might not work for the OP if due to kids and concern about sibling gossip but it was really effective. Unplanned, but I'd do it again. Should have done it sooner.

DeltaBond

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #26 on: May 23, 2016, 07:28:44 AM »
I've delt with this same thing, and I have tried so many ways to communicate with words over it... and it simply doesn't work.  What DID work, though was simply not answering my phone and sometimes I just turn the ringer off.  Its hard to get used to, but that's what works.

As far as visits... if possible, park your car where they can't see it.  Even if you have to clear out the garage to do so, do it, AND be strong and don't answer the door.  Even if you can't hide your car, still be strong and don't answer the door.

That sounds extreme, but it sounds like nothing else has worked.  You can also just leave the house during the hours you think they'll show up, if you can't hide your car or stand to know they're ringing your doorbell.  Sometimes you have to show your message with action rather than words, when the words won't work.  This is all very disrespectful of your parents, and to be fair, if they weren't your parents, you wuold have most likely changed your number and stopped answering the door anyway.  I wish you luck, its not easy.

hoping2retire35

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #27 on: May 25, 2016, 06:44:50 AM »
Thanks again everyone. He did call back the next day and sorta apologized. sounded almost like one of those "I am sorry you are offended..." voicemails, but i did not replay it and analyze. For the record I did cut my mother off for over a year, she never really apologized just slowly got nicer. She kept up her good attitude for a while, but it didn't last.

I have Emotional Blackmail on hold from one of the other county librarys and walking to pickup Eggshells on my lunch break.

Funny jerk story: my mother left her phone off on mothers day so by 2 oclock my sisters were getting worried and someone had to drive to her house to check on her. no problem, just sitting in the sun with her phone off, of course not expecting a call...
(/sarcasm) ugh. I never got worried, figured it was something like this.

Sibley

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #28 on: May 25, 2016, 07:34:13 AM »
So, for other ideas/knowing you're not alone, recommend Captain Awkward's blog.

Regarding the siblings - do they have the same or similar problems? If for some reason they're completely spared the behavior you get, they may be clueless. Or maybe they're just messed up and clueless. Regardless, a preemptive strike with them may help. IE, tell them what you're doing.

DeltaBond

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #29 on: May 26, 2016, 05:08:33 AM »
Your situation is so similar to mine.  I learned that my brother doesn't answer my parents' calls, and they are used to that.  They know they won't talk to him or see him until he reaches out to them.  And to be fair, its better for everyone, because when he reaches out that means he's in the mood to talk to them, and it goes a lot better.

I personally understand this is emotional manipulation, and that is in a lot of cases psychological abuse.  The boundary part is remembering that anyone in the world can dial your phone number... and you have choices.  Turn the ringer off, ignore the call, let it ring, turn the phone completely off... that's where your boundary is.  Anyone, as well, can knock on your door.... same boundary there, too.  I think you're on the right track, and I would also not let my child around grandparents like that by herself.

Cutting your parents off works, and you respecting your own boundaries works, also.  Good for you for letting that voicemail go :)

Fishindude

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #30 on: May 26, 2016, 05:35:23 AM »
As I tell my wife, you don't have to answer the darned phone every time it rings.
Those things have voice mail function for good reason.  Take / make phone calls when it is convenient for YOU.

Choices

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Re: Respect my space
« Reply #31 on: June 26, 2016, 10:13:09 AM »
Lots of good advice above, and in Boundaries by Henry Cloud. Quite possibly the most useful book ever. http://amzn.to/28ZVrSw