Author Topic: Regret - How to get over it?  (Read 1146 times)

jamesbond007

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Regret - How to get over it?
« on: July 08, 2021, 08:47:15 AM »
This is not exactly face punch worthy, but I wanted to get it out of my system. We recently embarked on our journey to establish a revocable living trust and I contacted a few attorneys. I did a rush job and ended up with an attorney that is charging us double the money than a cheaper one. I am usually very thorough with these kinds of scenarios, but the urgency got the best of me.


Now I am regretting why I am paying this person $3500 when the cheaper one is charging us only $1700 for what seems like a standard template. We are signing tomorrow, and I am having major regrets. I am happy that we are finally getting it done after years of laziness, but I am feeling bad I am paying $1700 more.


Ugh....


What do you do to get over the regret? This is the first time I am in this situation and don't know how to handle. I guess I will forget in a few days. I feel like I must face punch myself.

TheGibberingPotato

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Re: Regret - How to get over it?
« Reply #1 on: July 08, 2021, 09:12:43 AM »
In the grand scheme of things, ~$1800 is not that much, but every bit counts, and that's not chump change (of course this depends on your overall financial situation; if you're a multimillionaire, I wouldn't sweat it.  If you're networth is hundreds of thousands or less, I might reconsider).

Is this lawyer giving you better quality service/etc... than the cheaper lawyer?  Are you not certain?

If you aren't getting a benefit to the higher cost, and you aren't locked into a contract yet, then your talking about delaying signing the contract in order to meet with another lawyer to see if you trust them.  As long as all of this isn't accruing significant additional costs, I'd probably meet with another lawyer first.

jamesbond007

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Re: Regret - How to get over it?
« Reply #2 on: July 08, 2021, 09:24:20 AM »
In the grand scheme of things, ~$1800 is not that much, but every bit counts, and that's not chump change (of course this depends on your overall financial situation; if you're a multimillionaire, I wouldn't sweat it.  If you're networth is hundreds of thousands or less, I might reconsider).

Is this lawyer giving you better quality service/etc... than the cheaper lawyer?  Are you not certain?

If you aren't getting a benefit to the higher cost, and you aren't locked into a contract yet, then your talking about delaying signing the contract in order to meet with another lawyer to see if you trust them.  As long as all of this isn't accruing significant additional costs, I'd probably meet with another lawyer first.


$1800 is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I do think I should contact other lawyers, but we agreed that we will be signing tomorrow. So, I don't know if this lawyer charges me for all the work he already put into it? Also, I feel it is not right when we agreed to the price almost a month ago.

iris lily

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Re: Regret - How to get over it?
« Reply #3 on: July 08, 2021, 09:36:11 AM »
Here in flyover land we paid $3,000 for what I consider a very thorough suite  of end-of-life documents including a revocable  trust. I didnít shop around for price because I donít care.

Oh we did start out with a friend of the family who is just getting into wills and trusts and his cost was I think maybe $1800? $2000? But he didnít finish it because he didnít really get into that business after all, and by the time we had wasted time with him, I just wanted to get on with a well established attorney. She also met my criteria for office location.

Freedom2016

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Re: Regret - How to get over it?
« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2021, 09:50:11 AM »
In the grand scheme of things, ~$1800 is not that much, but every bit counts, and that's not chump change (of course this depends on your overall financial situation; if you're a multimillionaire, I wouldn't sweat it.  If you're networth is hundreds of thousands or less, I might reconsider).

Is this lawyer giving you better quality service/etc... than the cheaper lawyer?  Are you not certain?

If you aren't getting a benefit to the higher cost, and you aren't locked into a contract yet, then your talking about delaying signing the contract in order to meet with another lawyer to see if you trust them.  As long as all of this isn't accruing significant additional costs, I'd probably meet with another lawyer first.


$1800 is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I do think I should contact other lawyers, but we agreed that we will be signing tomorrow. So, I don't know if this lawyer charges me for all the work he already put into it? Also, I feel it is not right when we agreed to the price almost a month ago.

It sounded like you were asking for ways to deal with regret, not asking for ways to reduce the fee you agreed to pay...?

Assuming it's the regret thing, you might simply tell yourself you learned a $1700 lesson in more carefully considering the value you will get from a contract. Maybe it's a lesson in enlisting your spouse as a devil's advocate to pressure-test whether you really need to spend X amount if 50% of X will do?

Dicey

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Re: Regret - How to get over it?
« Reply #5 on: July 08, 2021, 10:10:57 AM »
My parents responded to an ad to create a will & trust for $495. We found the actual ad in their files after they passed. It was worth every penny they paid for it, ugh. The kindest description of their arrangements was that the documentation was "thin". We heard that so often that we figured it must be a code word. We spent more than that on professional help to get everything sorted out.

No advice but the adage, "Pay now or pay later" certainly reflects our experience.

Sailor Sam

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Re: Regret - How to get over it?
« Reply #6 on: July 08, 2021, 10:27:24 AM »
I remind myself that no one is dead, no one is in jail, and my mum still loves me. If my mind starts to prod at the wound, I consciously decide to think about something else.

I'm confused, though. You're on the cusp of paying the original lawyer $3,500 to issue the documents, and you also contacted a second lawyer who will charge you $1,700? Did you contact them at the same time, and the cheaper one just took longer to get back to you?

jamesbond007

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Re: Regret - How to get over it?
« Reply #7 on: July 08, 2021, 10:34:16 AM »
I remind myself that no one is dead, no one is in jail, and my mum still loves me. If my mind starts to prod at the wound, I consciously decide to think about something else.

I'm confused, though. You're on the cusp of paying the original lawyer $3,500 to issue the documents, and you also contacted a second lawyer who will charge you $1,700? Did you contact them at the same time, and the cheaper one just took longer to get back to you?

Good question. So, I called my brother to tell him that I am adding him as a trustee after our passing. Then he asked me how much the lawyer was charging, and I told him. Then he told me that this other lawyer that he has been for the same service with similar assets, if not more, charged only $1700 not so long ago (3 or 4 months ago). That is how I got to know. I did talk to another lawyer before landing on the current one. That other lawyer was charging $2250 but I must take care of updating the property records at the county and this one I chose would do it for me. Not a big deal to be honest.

My regret is not that I am spending more than I should. It is more about me missing my due diligence and this never happened to me. There is a first time for everything :)

FIRE 20/20

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Re: Regret - How to get over it?
« Reply #8 on: July 08, 2021, 12:22:40 PM »
When I find myself getting upset about something, I try to remember to step back to ask myself how I'll feel about whatever it is in a year.  Sometimes I realize I won't even remember it.  Sometimes I think it'll still be a big deal then.  Usually it's either the former or close to it.  By putting it in that context, I feel like I get a better handle on how upset to be about it now.  If I think I won't even remember it in a year or I might remember but won't care that often helps me care less about it now.  This doesn't always work and some situations don't fit well with that approach, but I'd say that more than 90% of the time I realize whatever I'm worried about doesn't really impact my life long-term so it's nothing to worry about now.  On the other hand, sometimes I realize it'll still be a big deal later and that often gives me more motivation to address the situation so the long-term impact isn't as large.  Either way, I feel that that framing helps me put it in context. 
For you situation, if your net worth a year from now isn't going to be significantly impacted by the difference in price then for me that realization would help me let it go. 

LifeHappens

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Re: Regret - How to get over it?
« Reply #9 on: July 08, 2021, 12:52:40 PM »
My regret is not that I am spending more than I should. It is more about me missing my due diligence and this never happened to me. There is a first time for everything :)
So, you're a human who sometimes makes mistakes? I'm not trying to be glib, just to reframe the situation a bit.

seemsright

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Re: Regret - How to get over it?
« Reply #10 on: July 08, 2021, 01:51:02 PM »
We got our Estate in order. We got a generational skipping trust, health paper work done (had surgery this week and brought a copy and the office was shocked I had the paperwork) and guardianship.

We paid $3,100 for this. It was worth the money. I am cheap as hell but I dont think going cheap on this type of thing is really worth it.

Igelfreundin

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Re: Regret - How to get over it?
« Reply #11 on: July 08, 2021, 04:23:21 PM »
I deal with regret my reminding myself that I made the best decision I could at the time, given the information and resources I had at the time. In this case, you felt the need to do something quickly, and you chose as best you could. Yes, present you would do it differently, but past you didn't have the same information or the same bandwidth to do the research that you have now. Be kind to past you.

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JJ-

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Re: Regret - How to get over it?
« Reply #12 on: July 08, 2021, 07:43:26 PM »
I deal with regret my reminding myself that I made the best decision I could at the time, given the information and resources I had at the time. In this case, you felt the need to do something quickly, and you chose as best you could. Yes, present you would do it differently, but past you didn't have the same information or the same bandwidth to do the research that you have now. Be kind to past you.

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This is my normal approach as well. It's helped me normalize things that ended up being both sub optimal (should have done it different) and super optimal (man I'm really good at timing the dip in the stock market). You also learn from mistakes you've made. So of course if it was the wrong thing to do you won't do it again, but you can't go back and change it.

@jamesbond007 , I know you mentioned this was a rush job and that you normally think through things or research them. To me, a rush job for something like a will/trust implies something like a terminal medical diagnosis or a major life change to them or a close family member or friend. If that's the case, first I'm sorry, and sometimes the peace of mind getting the job done quickly is the price you pay. You also don't know if you'd get the same $1700 deal, and maybe they also would require you to file your paperwork with the county? You were willing to pay a premium to not have to do it with the attorneys you contacted, so maybe it wouldn't have worked out anyway.

Similar to what Fire 20/20 said, thinking about it a year from that point is a good perspective as well. We paid for a revocable living trust, will, AMD, POAs, the works, and I remember going this is a ridiculous price but it's the least ridiculous price I could find with a small amount of calling attorney offices to get quotes/rates. That was 3.5 years ago and I have absolutely no recollection what the fee was. I could look it up but I don't really care anymore :)

Don't beat yourself up over it. It's a tough pill to swallow and get over for sure though. Maybe you can find a way to make it back by saving an extra $1700 this year to "pay" for your mistake. Some people like that approach better than waiting for the regret to wane over time.

« Last Edit: July 08, 2021, 07:45:28 PM by JJsfr »

Malcat

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Re: Regret - How to get over it?
« Reply #13 on: July 08, 2021, 07:56:36 PM »
Circle of influence.

Is there anything you can do to change it now?
If no, then just learn from it and move forward.

If you find you ruminate and have poor ability to manage your response to your thoughts about things over which you have no control, then look into learning the skill of managing your reactions to your own thoughts.

Mindfulness will teach you this, I highly recommend it.

Just because you think or feel something doesn't mean you need to take it seriously or follow it and let it affect you. Learning to deflect these thoughts when they happen is a learnable skill like anything else.

You don't have to be this way if you don't want to.

Poundwise

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Re: Regret - How to get over it?
« Reply #14 on: July 09, 2021, 08:25:47 AM »
I understand the feeling!  I typically DIY, research everything to the nth degree, and don't delegate, which has its downsides.  Earlier this year I thought I'd try to be The Opposite for once, and see if my life improved... I paid for services, I delegated without micromanaging, etc.  And I was very displeased with the results!

Maybe you can take this as a sign that the way you usually do things works best for you. You experimented with a different approach (rush job in collecting quotes) and now you see that choosing speed over money is not for you, at this time.

Malcat

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Re: Regret - How to get over it?
« Reply #15 on: July 09, 2021, 08:43:30 AM »
I understand the feeling!  I typically DIY, research everything to the nth degree, and don't delegate, which has its downsides.  Earlier this year I thought I'd try to be The Opposite for once, and see if my life improved... I paid for services, I delegated without micromanaging, etc.  And I was very displeased with the results!

Maybe you can take this as a sign that the way you usually do things works best for you. You experimented with a different approach (rush job in collecting quotes) and now you see that choosing speed over money is not for you, at this time.

Yes, but there's a difference between learning what works for you through trial and error, and being plagued by regret when things don't work out optimally.


Poundwise

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Re: Regret - How to get over it?
« Reply #16 on: July 09, 2021, 08:55:35 AM »
I understand the feeling!  I typically DIY, research everything to the nth degree, and don't delegate, which has its downsides.  Earlier this year I thought I'd try to be The Opposite for once, and see if my life improved... I paid for services, I delegated without micromanaging, etc.  And I was very displeased with the results!

Maybe you can take this as a sign that the way you usually do things works best for you. You experimented with a different approach (rush job in collecting quotes) and now you see that choosing speed over money is not for you, at this time.

Yes, but there's a difference between learning what works for you through trial and error, and being plagued by regret when things don't work out optimally.

True, it is not healthy to obsess. The way I deal is to be so busy with the next project that I can't afford to obsess... this is not necessarily a mindful solution, but it may work for OP.

WSUCoug1994

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Re: Regret - How to get over it?
« Reply #17 on: July 09, 2021, 09:05:21 AM »
We live in a place that doesn't have a lot of service providers and my roof started leaking during a heavy rain while we were out of town.  In my urgency, I called the one roofer I had worked with previously and he said he could fix the tile roof (improperly installed apparently).  He ended up sending me a bill for $4800 to fix the roof and at the time I was happy to have it fixed quickly and to stop the leak from ruining my hardwood floors.

I made the mistake of looking at our security camera footage and he was there for less than 15 minutes.  To be honest it still bothers me that he took me for a ride on that service call.  There is nothing I can do now but look back at it and do more diligence and ask for a statement of work before signing on.  It was an expensive lesson for me but that is all it can be at this point.  After talking to a friend of mine - which did make me feel better - you aren't paying him for the minutes that he spent on your house you are paying him for the years of experience that he has in knowing how to fix the problem.

FWIW - I paid $6000 for our Will/POA/Trust/Health Directive etc.  I don't mind paying for things of value and in some cases, particularly legal ones, I do feel like you get what you pay for.  Lawyers are in the professional services game - they typically set their prices based on demand.  Typically the higher the prices the more in demand they are and it is fair to assume they are more experienced than the cheaper option.
« Last Edit: July 09, 2021, 09:10:48 AM by WSUCoug1994 »

jamesbond007

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Re: Regret - How to get over it?
« Reply #18 on: July 09, 2021, 09:18:31 AM »
Thanks all. I got over it. I realized that I was OK with the price and services offered when I made the decision. Which means I did consider all available data before making that decision. Just because there is added information available, I should not be punishing myself for not doing the due diligence. I did, with the information available to me then. Once I had this realization, I felt much better and not thinking about it anymore. We are going to sign the documents in a few hours, and we are happy that we finally have an estate plan. Thank you all for the support.

jamesbond007

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Re: Regret - How to get over it?
« Reply #19 on: July 09, 2021, 06:27:50 PM »
Update: Just came back from signing. I didn't even think about the amount when I was writing the check. I was happy that we got it done and DD's future is bright in case we are not around. Thanks all for your perspectives. I learned a lot.

tooqk4u22

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Re: Regret - How to get over it?
« Reply #20 on: July 09, 2021, 09:05:01 PM »
What do you do to get over the regret? This is the first time I am in this situation and don't know how to handle. I guess I will forget in a few days. I feel like I must face punch myself.

Here is the thing....what's done is done.   The past can the changed and at best can be learned from. 

A friend of mine said something similar a few weeks ago...."I regret.....whatever, and asked do I regret anything?".   

I said that I have no regrets and that I have had many successes and many mistakes but all of those got me where I am today and I can't do anything about it anyway so why waste any energy thinking about it."

I mean would I have loved to buy bitcoin 10 years ago in some fantasy....sure, but I didn't but maybe next time I will be more open to some weird concept.   

Basically, no regrets as they only serve as a distraction.

Finances_With_Purpose

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Re: Regret - How to get over it?
« Reply #21 on: July 09, 2021, 10:44:06 PM »
It's a one-off thing.  That's also well within reasonable prices here for those services -- both the high price and the lower one.  With attorneys, you want a good one rather than a cheap one, especially for something like that, or your heirs pay for it later on. 

If you want to really make up the difference, then do what a good one will recommend and ensure that you (1) always update your beneficiaries (set reminders) and (2) update your current policies/beneficiaries to reflect the trusts you set up so that the two jive.  Doing that alone will save tons of cash for your future heirs. 

-Someone who was part of paying $3,500 to engage probate and open an estate, only to cash one single $5,000 check (where any one of the heirs offered to indemnify the company for the full value many times over).