My husband, Ioseftavi and I, recently got married. When we started planning a year ago, we told my parents that we wanted – in particular – two things for our wedding that weren’t really up for debate:
• We wanted to pay for it, or at least most of it, ourselves
• We wanted to do it on a budget that we felt was appropriate. (our figure was meaningfully less than theirs)
We set out the first conditions for a few reasons. First, we’re probably the most financially secure of their children (and in fact might be in better shape than they are). Second, we’re older than a lot of newlyweds and we make enough and save enough that we knew we could pay for the wedding on our own. Tradition or not, it doesn’t seem right to take money from your folks when you don’t need it and they're a few years from retirement with a lot more saving to do. Third, we wanted control of our wedding if push came to shove. We made lots of compromises, but we wanted to know that “WELL WE’RE PAYING FOR IT” wasn’t something that was going to be thrown around. Fourth, we knew that if we took money from them, our wedding would not be value conscious like we wanted to be. Anything we nixed as a "not worth it" would be "rescued" through their intervention. IT'S NOT THAT WE CAN'T AFFORD TO RELEASE A HUNDRED DOVES WHEN WE KISS. IT'S JUST THAT WE THINK THAT'S AN INSANE USE OF ANYONE'S MONEY.
However, several months before our wedding, my parents transferred roughly the cost of our reception into an old joint acct I had with them (leftover from college). Given how strained things had been during the planning, we did not confront them about it at the time, and just kind of avoided the issue. Now, our wedding is over - and we DID in fact pay for almost all of it (90%+) ourselves. What do we do with this money – which we explicitly didn’t want - which is now just sitting in an account?
Our ideas include:
• Confronting them and asking them what they want us to do with it, or if they’d like it back (this is ioseftavi’s favorite and probably my least favorite, because it will involve direct confrontation that will likely be ugly)
• Putting it into 529 plans we set up for our nieces and nephews (their grandkids) and either telling them. Or maybe not telling them? WHO KNOWS.
• Putting it into an investment vehicle on their behalf (like a low-cost annuity or an investment account we've set aside specifically for them)
• Wiring it to them against their wishes (turnabout/fair play?)
• Giving it to siblings, to spend as they wish.
We realize that this seems weird. It is weird. This is the emotional side of money that can be so rocky. We feel like keeping this money goes against our values, first and foremost. Almost as important, it would surrender ground we fought hard to gain in our relationship with them. Lastly, we’re proud to have paid for our wedding ourselves, and if we don’t give this money back (or away) – in a sense, we won't have paid for the wedding ourselves. Furthermore, we’re really troubled to think that this could be used to fund their retirement, help one or more of my siblings, fund college for their grandkids, etc… We need this money the least of all possible recipients, including my parents.
What do the mustachians think?