You need to get perfectionistic about getting over your perfectionism :) Seriously, though, I sympathize (I have a strong perfectionist streak myself) but it is NOT helping you. You need to put yourself in situations where it is ok to fail, and get used to it. The world doesn't end. You will probably succeed more than you fail. Not acting is holding you back and keeping you mired in debt.
You mentioned you aren't good at working with kids in groups -- what about more one-on-one? Could you potentially do some babysitting on evenings/weekends to bring in extra cash? Your ECE degree would potentially be an asset there. You could also consider offering in-home care or after-school care. And there would be no conflict between that and developing your blogging. Also, you could look into getting into the management side of childcare -- larger centers need staff to keep the operations going, not just teachers.
If you're willing to share more details about what the challenges are with your medical condition, you might find that people here have useful input -- we have several regular posters dealing with a variety of physical and mental health issues, and I always find the discussions of how those issues impact our financial lives to be really supportive and useful. We're a resourceful/well researched bunch and might be able to help you think of some strategies or identify some resources for managing your condition that you haven't thought of yet. In my book there is no real reason to be embarrassed about a physical or mental health condition -- it is what it is and you need to deal with it, why not ask for help/advice.
While I appreciate the pep talk, you are preaching to the choir! :)
This isn't something that I've resigned myself to and that I refuse to address, and it's never been a chronic pattern for me (I go through cycles of self-loathing and crippling anxiety where I feel like life is impossible, then pick myself and get my shit together. It's all part of the ebb and flow.)
In fact, as we speak, I seem to have a prospective opportunity to do freelance articles for $100 a pop. Considering my track record, that can potentially be a lot of money, and with the obnoxious health issues I was mentioning, I can be making *more money* on those nights that I can't sleep. I've been doing research, and this is something quite feasible. Of course, if it doesn't pan out, there are plenty of other options that may be less than ideal.
My husband and I are also going through our storage closet where we keep all the stuff we're going to sell and realizing that we can potentially make well over $3,000. My old equipment is in very good condition, and I have several pieces that are worth over $500. I kind of wanted to keep some of it, but realized that if we downgrade, I won't have room for it. There's always storage units, but that's so expensive that by the time I had a place for it (or could set up the business I wanted to), I'll have already paid for new tools and equipment! Plus grooming tools are constantly becoming outdated, and I'd want new ones anyway. Might as well sell them while they're hot! I'll post updates on the income from the freelancing and selling extra stuff when I have more info. Very exciting! :)
Thank you for pointing that out about the medical condition. I really would rather have people judge me for that than assume that I'm willfully not reaching my potential. It really does sound petty, and I'd rather not give fuel for others to put me down, but here it goes:
I have IBS that is so severe that I've ended up in the Emergency Room at one point (I've never willingly gone even when I should have before this point). It was assumed that I had IBD (Crohn's or Ulcerative Collitis). IBS isn't really a "disease" since it's a syndrome, but whatever causes those symptoms also seems to be related to my upper GI since I have spasms in my esophagus as well. That doesn't help, because I have a hiatal hernia (very common) and every time I would lift a dog or fight with a dog, acid would come up into my mouth. The pain from both the acid erosion (now under control with zantac, diet, and going through a whole freaking song and dance before laying down to bed) and the spasms (Mostly controlled with a smooth muscle relaxer - this is the medication that gives me trouble with heat) was so bad that my heart rate would spike and palpitate, that they thought I had a heart condition. I did a 24 hr holter monitor test, ekg, ecg, and it showed nothing wrong with my heart. My heart rate averaged around 130 (that has gone down to 90 since I started staying at home).
With the IBS comes the frequent bathroom trips. It's markedly worse at night after I've fallen asleep (hence the belief that it was an IBD since that's atypical of IBS). I rarely sleep for more than a few hours at a time, though that seems to have gotten better since I quit my job as a groomer.
As for the mental illness, I'm more hesitant to go completely into it, so I'm going to stay vague:
I have Asperger's that never got addressed when I was a child (typical story - diagnosed, but my mother didn't want me labeled), which is probably okay because it's not really that bad as I grow older. I started some therapy in college, which helped immensely unlike any other therapy I've ever had. With that, unsurprisingly, I have severe anxiety/PTSD. And probably for the exact same reasons, I have OCD, and every time I get a compulsion under control to a reasonable level, something new pops up. Some of them are quite embarrassing and challenging to deal with. The latest one has something to do with telephones which is a huge part of many jobs. Most people are understanding when they see me acting, well, deranged... but there are plenty of people who aren't. As a result, I don't really like dealing with people or performing. Still did/do it, but I think it's perfectly understandable that I'm not willing to do it constantly.
This combined with negligence at my job (I could and should have called OSHA) as well as our recent car accident brought me to quit. I wasn't actually making very much money when you considered the money I spent putting into it, and the money that I spent on medical treatments that I don't need since I'm not working. I've been scrambling a bit since then since I don't particularly like being idle.
Notice that I'm, in essence, saying that "I won't" "suck it up" and do some of these suggestions, rather than "I can't." I can, but it's, frankly, not worth getting out of debt faster to me at this particular moment in time. However, I'm not sitting around, twiddling my thumbs and waiting for shit to happen. Also, I'm only sharing the medical things to help show a better picture in the hopes that it makes me look like less of a complainypants (frankly, it makes me feel like more of a complainypants to share, especially since all of those issues are very common things that other people have to deal with. I've just never reached an adequate level of coping with them I suppose). I'd appreciate it if they're only treated that way, and ignored if you can't sympathize.
Also, I thought I posted my work history, but apparently didn't. Oops! It was supposed to be at the end of my original post - I think I went to edit it and got distracted. I will fix that in a moment, but in essence, I've taken the one-on-one route with kids and got screwed... severely. I ended up with a child who had developmental delays and, it turns out, is very aggressive when he hasn't taken his meds. Mom wanted to see how he'd do without medication. She did not tell me. She paid me very well, but after having shit thrown at my head and cleaning up broken objects for 12 hours a day, no thank you! I stayed for 3 days. I tried to get another job as a nanny/tutor and every single parent that called for me stood me up. I would drive from an hour away - it happened three times - that left a bitter taste in my mouth, so I'm not doing that.
As for anything in a supervisory role, the OCD and anxiety are usually quite obvious, so I'm unlikely to be considered for that type of position (and I don't blame anyone for that. I don't think I can handle it either.)
I was wanting to use my degree to go to Grad school to go into Child Development research, ultimately to make changes to the process of standardized testing, but there is no way in hell that I'm putting myself further into debt before I control what I've got.
Anyway, sorry for the long rant - I'm very stressed out (and probably over nothing worth stressing over). For now, I'm planning to follow the freelance writer route and see where that takes me.