The Money Mustache Community
Learning, Sharing, and Teaching => Ask a Mustachian => Topic started by: Bettis on June 25, 2015, 08:47:53 AM
-
Life Situation:
31 yr old Married to a 29 year old w/ 1 allowance, one son 9 months old, located in Massachusetts.
Gross Salary/Wages:
$5,167K/mth (Me) $500/mth (Wife) She went back to work in April one day a week(Saturdays while I am with our son)
Total: $5,667/mth
Pre-tax deductions:
401k - $517/mth
HSA - $250/mth
HDHP family plan through Cigna w/HSA $260/mth
Delta Dental PPO Premier (family) - $43/mth
Vision Plan (me only) - $10/mth
Total: $1,080/mth
Post-tax deductions:
Roth IRA $460/mth
Total: $460/mth
Other Ordinary Income:
I sell on Ebay once in a while but income is all over the map. It's about $3000-4000/yr but could be all at once, never evenly spaced
Total: $300/mth
Taxes:
Federal withholding - $375/mth
Fed MED - $67/mth
Fed OASDI - $280/mth
MA state withholding - $200/mth
Total: $922/mth
Current monthly expenses:
Internet - $50 (6MB through Comcast with no phone/cable)
Gasoline - $150 (she doesn't drive too much but I have a 60 mile roundtrip commute at about 32mpg in a Kia)
AAA - $10
Car Insurance - $141 (may go up in August/Sept as I was rear ended on the way home from work a year ago and Mass seems to be a no fault state)
Car Tax/inspection/registration - $17
Electricity - $160 average/mth (I want this down desperately. Central Air in the summer, cat house portable AC in the summer, and cat house heater in the winter). We have 2 cats that hate each other and one has to live out in a shed which we insulated and hooked up electricity to.
Natural Gas - $150 average ($20-$40 in the summer and $200-$350 in the winter)
Water - $40
Trash - $30 (town sets rate and is non negotiable)
Cell Phone - $56 (her T-Mobile smart phone - I have a flip phone that my mom just takes care of because it's so negligible on top of her smartphone plan. We tried Republic but she kept having issues so we had to return it)
Mortgage - $915(P&I) $300(T&I)
This is where the specific expenses are harder to track. I jot down the place/type of expense and the amount and have done so since February but it's hard to figure out what is what so the below is going to be as best as I can
Dog food for 2 dogs - $100/mth. I've tried nudging towards less expensive food but she won't go lower than Acana which is pricy even after the discount at her doggy day care work
Cat food for 2 cats - $60/mth. Prescription food. I've brought up trying to find homes for them because one is out in a shed and one is in a room downstairs so that they don't attack the dogs or each other. I begrudgingly do all the care-taking
Human/baby food - $600/mth which includes groceries, restaurants, and parties we've thrown. I do my best to cut down but we seem to have to go all out for family parties which are a few times a year. Her relatives do the same so it isn't like they are taking advantage, it's a Portuguese thing I guess. Actual food her and I ingest has got to be half of that.
Medical bills - $200/mth. Paying $125/mth on a payment plan for the next 14 months to pay doctors for having our son. Other bills come up. Starting July 1st, our deductible starts over so I'm scared to say this may go up.
Total: $2,979 plus miscellaneous which I'm not sure what that equals but we spend more than we make every month. I was fortunate to have a few windfalls and able to sell some old GI Joes from my father to help offset these overages.
Assets:
401K - $45K
Roth IRA - $30K
Checking/savings accounts - $70K put together (Wow this is a lot) Wife wants a huge emergency fund and I occasionally funnel money out to pay down the mortgage. She is accepting of that but would never let me invest more no matter how I present the information(she's not a math type while I majored in it) This is due to a few windfalls we have received so we aren't really that great of savers.
Liabilities: Mortgage originally $178K for 30 yrs down to $107K with 13 years left at 4.625% if no additional principal payments are made.
Specific Question(s): I just feel like I'm spinning in the mud and slowly sinking as we spend more than we make each month. Where can I make cuts, how do I get my wife to understand that even though we're saving more than our friends, we still have a lot of work to do. Every month I've tracked, we've spent more than we've made. I do define spending as including the retirement funds and the mortgage but I just feel very overwhelmed. I know this is incomplete but I'll edit where I can as questions arise. My wife is supportive and knows we need to cut down but she feels like we live cheaply already.
I drive a 2009 Kia Optima with 95K miles so it should last a while longer but she drives a 2003 Ford Focus with 135K miles which is slowly deteriorating and was probably near lemon when she bought it 10 years ago. She wants a Rav4 for her next car because of the trunk space and being able to fit a lot of people in it and I know that isn't happening while I'm living but I just don't think she seriously gets how money works (that sounds way more mean than I intend but whatever).
I get this is a poor attempt at a case study but I'll edit what I can to make it better. I'm just finding out my manual tracking system sucks and it's hard to tell what we actually bought at places, I just typically list the place.
-
First things first -- breathe. You're doing fine. Plus you have a baby, which muddles the brain.
IMO, the extra cat in a climate controlled space is crazy. Maybe in the winter, but A/C for a cat in Mass.? That's unnecessary. I would try again to find a loving home elsewhere.
Otherwise, the pet food costs are insane but you already know this.
For parties, any way to buy food and booze ahead when it's on sale? What kind of food and drink do you serve? Maybe we can help you find ways to save on the parties.
Dental plan seems high for three people, one of whom doesn't have many teeth. Does one of you have teeth problems? Or do you just get two cleanings each per year? If so, drop it and pay cash. Couldn't you use HSA money to pay for anything major? What do teeth problems top off at? A couple thousand?
-
401k, HSA and ROTHs are savings, not spending. You've miscategorized these.
Your house's current value should be listed as an asset.
You're using that HSA money to pay down your medical debt, right?
I've looked at your numbers, and there seems to be >$700/mo that leaks out somewhere. Keep ALL the receipts! Then you'll know exactly why the money was spent.
My suggestions are:
1) downsize your housing and move closer to work.
2) stop the ROTH contribution and funnel the money into a tIRA or your 401k to maximize your tax savings NOW.
3) get rid of as many of the pets as possible. You can't afford them.
-
JustaJane - Thanks, it sucks being overwhelmed, especially at work because I have focus issues even when I'm in a good mood lol.
It actually gets pretty hot here. Mid 80s which is probably too much for a furry cat in essentially a fixed up shed.
For the parties, we actually don't even need to get booze which helps. For some parties, it's lots of sandwiches (chicken salad usually) and chicken wings. We had our son's baptism a few weeks ago which she wanted catered food delivered so we'd have hot food(chicken wings and lasagna) along with the sandwiches right after we got home since we were all meeting at the chapel first. Luckily that was a one time thing but it just feels like there are way too many "one time things". I'm a hawk when shopping for sales and my wife is pretty good at it too. We typically go to BJs(I think it's like Costco) when we need anything that won't go to waste.
The dental includes 2 cleanings (our regular health insurance dropped the preventative dental part). Wife had a root canal and has more fillings that need done. My teeth weren't great when I was younger but I haven't needed anything beyond cleanings in 3-4 years. The baby is going on the dental as of July 1st. I assumed 6 cleanings plus anything else that comes up would cost less than the insurance. We have HSA money but I had to work out a payment plan for medical bills because I didn't have enough in it. $6K out of pocket max hurts in a year you have a baby.
Chrissy - I do get that those thnigs aren't spending but if it's money I cannot touch today, it doesn't help me in the short term. HSA is the exception as that does get included in my income and the medical expenses would come out of that account.
House's current value on Zillow varies between $220K and $260K but moving/downsizing isn't something her or I would like to do.
I do need to keep all receipts. I figure writing it in my notebook is enough but clearly that doesn't work so well when the item line just has store name.
1) If I move closer to work, we'd be further from family although not by too much. I'll bring it up to her but that's a big pill to swallow.
2) I could stop the Roth but I'm afraid that the spending would creep up even more. I guess I could put more into 401K. I learned the Roth idea from following Dave Ramsey before I discovered MMM. The 401K is through John Hancock and I know the fees are more than Vanguard who has my Roth IRA.
3) I want to downsize to 1 or no pets but I've been vetoed many times. Hell one of the dogs hates men and barks at me every time I get up to go into a room or leave the house. Not good for stress but she did have the dog before we got married so my fault. She said she'd look for a home for one of the cats but it's been a few months. She's a new mom so I understand the stress she has plus I tend to nag too much which I've been working on.
-
1) Thank God you don't have a credit card balance.
2) Definitely re-home the two cats. They are not happy, otherwise they wouldn't have to be kept apart from one another and the other animals. I would definitely push on this, and stress their unhappiness. This will save you on cat food and the electric bill that you so desperately want to reduce.
-
Do you pay everything with a credit card (that is then paid off when the bill comes)? If so, a website like Mint.com is great as it can help you find out what you are actually spending and where it is going.
For food: Even if you split it $300-adults, $100 baby, $200 parties, that's $2,400/year on parties. I would look at bringing that down. What do you mean by "go all out" do you host 10+ people and cover everything? Maybe look at switching to more of a pot luck style - oh MIL, I love your xxxx, can you make that and bring it to the party this weekend. The host can cover the meats, let everyone else cover something else. Be nice, complement their cooking and ask for them to bring their special dish (and Uncle can bring the beer/wine since he has such great taste and is good a picking out new drinks).
70k cash - that's almost 2 years of expenses. Even if your wife wants more of a e-fund, do you really needs 2 years? Can you use some of that money to pay off the medical bills and free up $200/month. If you are able to pay off the bills, ask the hospital if you can get a discount for paying it off in 1 go, used be surprised that a lot will give you a discount just to get the money now.
Dog food - can you do a mix - 1/2 affordable, 1/2 crazy priced? Also, are you actually getting a good deal from her work, what's the price per lb you are paying and how's that compare to a huge bag from Costco/Sam's? I pay $0.82/lb for purina 1 from Sam's, so good food and not as huge as a budget buster.
The Cats - honestly, you have an AC controlled shed for a cat that neither of you spend too much time with? I hate to be mean, but that cat has to go (or the one in the basement, whichever one you like less). And what's the point of having the cats if you lock them away? Does your wife even want them?
-
Kris - True that. I can't understand how people in debt can even function so how the hell is it normal? Also, I know those cats are not happy and it's a crappy way for them to live. They were together (mother and son actually) but a couple of years ago, the mother just turned on the son and he needed to be split away. I'll keep working on the cat thing but she's worried they'll go to a shelter and be killed. They're 10 and 8 yrs old and the younger has medical problems (not too serious but supposedly needs prescription food) She's afraid the new owner won't know what he/she is in for and will send it away.
DMY - I do need to track better. I've quit the once a week Honey Dew runs unless I have a gift card and I never buy food at work. I do the PB&J or leftover thing. We tend to go to Savers a lot which is probably $20-$30/mth in books/baby toys.
I'd love to retire any day now but I set 50 years old as a "realistic expectation" which gives me just under 20 years. She does want more children which I agree with but am scared as all hell about the financial piece. She totally glazes over any of the scenarios but she isn't trying to sabotage us or anything so I sorta feel like I'm doing it alone. She doesn't like to "go shopping" or own designer stuff. We hardly ever buy any clothes so she feels like we do okay. It's the math I can't explain well enough even after we go over the tracking sheets.
The $70K is bad but I try to funnel a few hundred a month towards the mortgage to make the $1215 payment into $2000(not included in above expenses). That's why we have 15 years left instead of 25 on the mortgage. The rest is just "emergency fund" which is basically offsetting our current overspending.
crizpychiken (mmmmm) - She uses a credit card that has our netflix and if she buys anything online but it's paid off every month. I don't use a CC at all, only debit because I feel like if I can't pay with debit or cash, I don't need it. I'm as debt averse as possible outside the mortgage which I want dead too.
I tried having her try to use some of the Diamond brand dog food which was a good deal $.75/lb but after half the bag, she quit and went back to only Acana and Core brands. Those are around $1.50/lb.
She wants the cats but since I do all the caretaking(I started when she got pregnant), I try to tell her they would have a much better home somewhere else. She understands and agrees but won't make the move. The mother was a stray that she found years ago and had 2 huge litters. Before we were married, she ended up with 14-15 cats that she worked on getting all fixed and given good homes until she was down to 2. That has to be the reason she's attached to these.
-
In light of what you said about root canals, etc., keep the plan. This was coming from someone who hasn't had anything other than a cleaning in 20+ years. It's a known expense for you versus the unknown, and kids do knock out teeth from time to time.
I know how discouraging health bills can be. I had a baby in 2014 plus three family health scares and we spent over 10K out of pocket last year. Ouch! It really stinks. I try not to think about it.
Is the shed in the shade during the heat of the day? Does it have ventilation? If so, I wouldn't worry about it, or just run it for an hour or so in the afternoon. Could the cat wander during the day and be put in the shed at night? Alternately, do you have family that is willing to take a cat temporarily? Even if you offer to pay them a set amount per month ($15-20) you would still come out ahead. And they might grow attached to the cat and want to keep it. You never know.
This will sound terrible, but now that I have three kids, I am ready for our 17+ yr old cat to pass. I'm done with pets. It sounds like you are in a similar place. We jumped at the chance to give our second cat to my parents when my childhood cat died. We still see her and know she is cared for, which IMO is the best solution.
The dog food is so, so high, but I don't know how to advise you to lower it. What is the reason for the prescription food for the cat?
I will say it's not worth causing tension between you and your wife over the pets, but when one does pass, stand firm on not getting more. And don't let kids bamboozle you into more. Both my sister and my husband's brother let older kids talk them into pets, and they are unhappy. Once the newness wore off, the kids didn't care either. I know all this sounds terrible, but it's hard for most people to balance the needs of pets and young children, at least that is my experience.
-
5967 gross
(764) pre-tax savings
(316) pre-tax expenses
(922) taxes
(460) Roth savings
---
3505 remaining
Assume you can at least get post-tax expenses down to 3000 and save the difference
Savings rate = (764+460+3505-3000)/(5967-922) = 34%
Current income-generating assets: 145K
Required amount to retire, in current dollars, at 4% SWR: (3000-915)*300+107K = 733K
Time to financial independence: 16 years
I was a little sloppy with this, but it's pretty close. It doesn't account for your mortgage interest, but that's offset by things like future commuting expenses. Also, once children are in school, your wife might work more. With the current MA law, health care should be cheaper. Odds are better than average that with income increases and reasonable expense reduction, you could retire around age 40.
You can reduce expenses for pets, meals, electricity, and phone and maybe refinance your mortgage to a 15-year, 3%. I'm happy with AIM loan, an online lender, and it sounds like you'd have the 75% LTV to go that route. You can shift your Roth savings to pre-tax (increased by the appropriate amount; at a 15% marginal tax rate, that would be 460/0.85=541). If it's fully in the 15% bracket, that step alone would bring your savings rate up to 36% and reduce your time to FI by almost a year.
If the 70K goes into an investment account, you can still get at it for emergencies. Worst-case, you sell low, but the chances of that are in your favor. Right now, you're losing 3% guaranteed.
It takes a certain counter-cultural outlook to get the Mustachian approach, which includes perspectives like 1) even low-cost American lifestyles are extravagant, 2) dollars should be invested so they work for you, and 3) it's much better to buy time than stuff. Your spouse might never get on board with you financially, so take any progress on her side at all as a huge plus. You've read the blog posts on this topic?
http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2012/03/22/selling-the-dream-how-to-make-your-spouse-love-frugality/
-
Yeah, for the cats, this isn't even just about the money. It is not fair to those animals. If they are that aggressive to each other and the dogs, then they are not happy creatures. Rehome them and give them a chance at a better life.
ETA: your wife's fear is they will be killed at the shelter. Well then don't send them to a shelter. There are many ways to rehome a pet, and many no-kill shelters.
-
Many great suggestions already. You are in good shape compared to many, but it is great that you want to improve. My contribution:
Pets--they are part of the family, but living in a separate space and not interacting with the rest of the family? That isn't being a part of the family. Maybe Cesar Milan can help you...wait...if your wife works at a doggie day care then either her or one of her coworkers should be able to figure out how to make everyone get along. If not, get seasons of Dog Whisperer from Netflix or the library or you are even allowed to buy them on eBay. Cat that has it's own house? Will your son be allowed to move into the shed if he doesn't like living with everyone else when he is older? Dog that hates men? Not okay, your wife is MARRIED to one. Getting rid of them is the "easy" solution--a true animal lover (which it sounds like we are dealing with) would work with the animals and find a solution. Word of warning--the humans might be the problem.
Everything else--if you aren't allowed to spend your savings on typical investments, and you don't want to move, and you hate your electric bill, and you have fix-it skills (if you did the work on the shed), then can you spend a little bit of money to make the house more efficient?
I'll throw this in too, though it might be off topic, incorrect, and/or none of my damn business. Do I sense a little frustration? Is part of this case study a little bit "how do I get my wife to see things the correct way"? While I don't know either of you, I will say that in general you won't ever hear a woman complain about too much communication in a relationship. Also, remember when communicating that she may not be as "solution oriented" as you. Try talking to her about some of these things, without working towards a resolution right then or even trying to change her mind. Just tell her how you feel, listen to how she feels, rinse, and repeat over the course of several conversations. See what happens then.
-
How about other non-food related expenses, like household stuff, baby items (diapers, wipes, etc.), personal items?
Have these been factored in?
-
Also, if you do all the cat care, then find them new homes yourself. I know that means it is work for you, but I think she kinda abdicates her veto power if she doesn't even do any of the work.
-
Dog Food - Go to Chewy.com and get your Acana there (I use the same brand). They do free shipping, and google a 5% off code. The big bag (I think 28lbs) sells for around $63 shipped. Should save you $30/month.
-
I can tell you love your wife because you haven't hired a local teen to "help" shed cat escape. (Don't actually do this.)
I think cat house AC is the most hilarious expense I've ever seen somebody list. You realize people had housecats in Massachusetts well before the invention of air conditioning, right? And that bears live in Massachusetts, which are furrier and have a much lower surface area to volume ratio than cats?
Also, I at first thought that "cat house" was a really edgy side hustle.
Getting serious...
Your animals are not happy, as others have said. And, frankly, they are not people and you have a tiny person dependent on you now. Spending that much of your income on vanity animals is irresponsible.
I get that you don't want to move, but your commute is insane. If you can't afford to move, that I get. But if you just don't want to because of all your cat house sunk costs, you're avoiding real solutions to your problems.
-
My husband's commute is 60 miles round trip, and we won't move either. So I understand you. Here are three things we have done to mitigate the distance.
1) He works from home two days a week. I realize this is probably not possible in certain jobs. He's in finance.
2) He drives a high MPG sedan.
3) He has carpooled for 10+ years and even made a close friend out of it. That means he only drives half the time.
All told #3 alone has saved us thousands of dollars over the years.
-
Jane - There isn't a lot of tree cover so unfortunately the shed is out in the sun. I only will turn it on if it is going above 80 degrees that day and I the AC it on 76(fan blows if the temp is lower) I will be firm about no more pets. I try to work from home on occasion but it's hard to concentrate with a crying baby and that GD dog. My car gets about 32mpg on average since I do mostly highway driving. When it goes, I want a Honda Fit or something else that is extremely efficient.
Velocistar - When you say MA health care should be cheaper, do you mean I could get it cheaper than what my work offers? I've tried the health connector site and they all seem to be $600+ per month when I'm spending much less. I tried showing her that blog entry and the other one but I had horrible timing (son was only a month or so old and she was tired) so she didn't take it the way i intended.
Bracken - I totally agree. We wouldn't put them in a shelter but my wife is afraid that no one would take them(one or both) and if someone does, they might get fed up and send them to a shelter.
Grundo - The man hating dog was abused by men way back and she took her in while we were engaged but not yet living together. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say she would choose her over me. It gets to the point that I'm uncomfortable and unhappy being home and am counting down the days til she's gone and I feel horrible for it.
I've been meaning to add more insulation to the attic. I have to call a contractor to do venting out of my roof (currently in the attic). Then MassSave will do the insulation. I always freeze up with this kind of stuff because even though I know the long term benefit, we're spending so much now that it's hard to commit to spending more.
And yes, I am totally frustrated. I love my wife and my son so much but I'm almost always unhappy, at work or home. I am too results oriented but it's because every day we don't work to fix it, the problem grows. I want to be a good father so being unhappy at home i something that needs to change before he can notice it. I lost my dad when I was 12 and I know how it can fuck you up so I'm doing what I can to be happy around him.
klystomane - I tried to include what I could but a lot of that miscellaneous bucket I couldn't account for includes that stuff. Diapers and wipes are from BJs so that actually went with food.
Kris - I'll try to find them a good home but I gotta see if she's onboard or else I open up an ass whooping lol
tvan - We did start using Chewy for the dog food but because it's two dogs, it's sometimes a 2nd bag bought in a month plus wet food which one dog eats some of because she's stubborn. The cat food comes from the vet and I've tried looking for "good" non prescription food and the price per meal seems to be the same or more.
Shoulder - Thank you for agreeing about the cat house expense. It infuriates me when I need to turn that thing on, or even acknowledge a cat is out there. I don't know about affording to move, I haven't really done calculations on it. I will bring up the possibility even though I like where I am because I have to change something to make progress. If we moved, the cat house stays where it is and the cat goes(I won't bring that up in the first conversation)
I'm assuming someone will ask so yes I've tried therapy(just by myself) because I know I have some sort of combination of ADD/Depressions/whatever else. It didn't help and I think spending the $85 a session stressed me even more.
I love my wife a ton and I couldn't see myself without her but I keep building lots of resentment because of all this. I know she means well and she sees we do better than the rest of her family and friends (lots of debt) but better doesn't necessarily equal good.
-
Do you have a porch or something like that where you could work from home occasionally but also wouldn't hear the home commotion? I have an 18-month-old and WFH full-time so I know what you mean there.
Maybe you could set up a desk in the cat house and get some use out of the AC out there.
Also, some vines grow pretty fast and would shade the shed so it needs less AC. Morning glories are one, and they'll re-seed year after year. Cypresses grow very fast but you might be too far north for them - I apparently am not.
-
Sounds like your wife is a big animal lover - same here. Appeal to her mama side. she obviously knows this isn't what's best for the cats, but it can be hard to admit you need to give up on your furbabies. You might want to take the lead and call some no-kill shelters (I know north shore animal rescue in Salem, MA is a big one), explain the situation to them, see if they have any foster homes available. if they do, you can tell her you know she is overwhelmed with the new baby but you felt so bad seeing the cat out there that you went ahead and called to see if a foster was free. she may just be terrified of dumping him in a shelter, but could be willing to place the cat in a foster home.
at the end of the day, it is cruel to lock a social animal in a shed long term. think of what that cat's life must be like. if she is too overwhelmed to take responsibility immediately, you might have to, for the cat's sake. this will also give you a sense of control over that situation as you won't be spinning your wheels waiting for something to happen.
as for the dog food -there are ways to get quality brands at lower prices. for example, we feed our dogs diamond naturals (pick up in 40lb bulk bags from tractor supply at $32/ea) which is ranked as 4 stars on dogfoodadvisor.com. It's not acana but it's still high quality food with good ratings. would she be willing to mix the acana with a 4 star brand? after all, even humans don't eat organic gourmet food all the time :)
-
Shoulder - No porch unfortunately. We have small house (maybe 1100 sq ft). We do have a basement which would work but it isn't fixed up well yet. I'm sure I could make it work, especially once I clear out the stuff I need to sell. The shed is very narrow so unfortunately, it wouldn't function well as a workstation. It'll be a hell of a playhouse when my boy gets bigger though.
Little_brown_dog - I'll have to take the lead on the cat thing but I'll discuss it with her tonight so it isn't completely out of left field. If I go behind her back, it will cause more problems than I could handle. We ordered Diamond off of Amazon but she didn't think the dogs liked it(not sure the actual reason) but half the bag went to waste. I would try giving it to one dog, even a half and half deal and she'd get so pissed so I just gave up. I'm not good at putting my foot down without being a wicked ass.
-
You've gotten good advice already. I'll +1 everything, especially switching your ROTH contributions out for the same (or tax adjusted more) amount into 401(k), assuming you have low-fee index options in your work's plan. At your income level the 401(k) is a better tax advantage than the ROTH.
Also, T-Mobile has cheaper plans than $56/month. The cheapest I know of is via WalMart and is around $30/month. How many minutes/data/text does she use? There's also P'Tel, which is a well regarded TMo MVNO. I went from an unlimited monthly plan to pay as you go, adjusted my usage a bit, and went from $35/mo to $10/mo.
For parties, tons of ways to feed people cheaply. Our families and friends are all about pot lucking. We host a lot, provide main meal, then ask folks to bring snacks, sides, drinks, etc. We had 20 people over last weekend - made homemade pizzas, big salad, all for not even $20. Rice and lentil or bean burritos is another of my favorite cheap, large group dishes. Pasta is another. We're not vegetarians but meat for large groups gets expensive fast, so I often go meatless when entertaining and no one minds.
The pets...sigh, well, good luck with that. I love animals, but usually the kind I get to eat after they're all grown up ;)
And don't think 1100sqft is a small house. We have 3 kids in 730 and my wife can easily work from home when able (rarely in her current position, as she's heavily involved with manufacturing and needs to be at the plant daily in some capacity).
-
Maybe Cesar Milan can help you...wait...if your wife works at a doggie day care then either her or one of her coworkers should be able to figure out how to make everyone get along. If not, get seasons of Dog Whisperer from Netflix or the library or you are even allowed to buy them on eBay.
ohgod don't do this! That guy is an idiot and should not be let near any dog! His "training" is outdated, dangerous and cruel. Find a proper animal trainer if you need help. If you're going with TV-show route the "it's me or the dog" lady is better.
-
I feel you about being an animal lover, but you are animal too, aren't you? What about your happiness? I understand where she is coming from, that many people do dump animals that are older and are getting into health problems. Most people don't want to adopt older animals (which the cats would be considered). I would look into no-kill shelters and give a decent donation to them (say 3 months living expenses), if they are able to take in the animals.
in the south all the traditional shelters are kill shelters (they put down animals very quickly). The no-kill have very long lists.
But being in the north which has more no-kill shelters, you may have more options; start now and get on the waiting list for a few of them, and good luck.
-
I would try giving it to one dog, even a half and half deal and she'd get so pissed so I just gave up.
You are unhappy all the time, and y'all are fighting about dog food. DOG FOOD. Take yourselves to couples' counseling immediately. Not all therapy is created equal; I had success with a couples counselor who specialized in behavioral therapy... less touchy-feely, more "fix it now".
Also, retirement savings are totally optional. If you need to take the stress off, suspend paying in to one of those temporarily.
-
I'm going to side step in here and say that I drive a 2003 Ford Focus with 135k miles on it exactly. To my surprise, it is going strong, even after a 2k mile cross country drive in January when I moved to a new state. I do basic maintenance on it (not the timing belt, fuck that) and I honestly believe I'll make it to 185k with about $200 a year in parts.
Not everyone is handy with cars, and I appreciate that, but parts for the Focus are common and cheap. At this age you should have a new timing belt (pricey, but will literally kill your car if it fails), check the coolant lines and thermostat housing (it leaks and is easily replaced ~$80 for housing and thermostat) and check the vacuum hoses (there is one that breaks down and collapses at the rear of the engine bay causing weird noises -- it's super easy to change out, ~$35 for the upgraded version).
This website is seriously awesome for diagnosing your issues, and I'm happy to talk with you about it, just shoot me a message.
http://www.focusfanatics.com/
I respect that you might have a car that isn't going to work for you, but check out what it needs and do a little cost benefit analysis-- you might have more time left in it than you think, or be able to fix a few things and sell at a higher price.
-
Velocistar - When you say MA health care should be cheaper, do you mean I could get it cheaper than what my work offers? I've tried the health connector site and they all seem to be $600+ per month when I'm spending much less.
I mean MA health care should be cheaper post-retirement, so you don't need to save as much. From my journal:
I hadn't looked at the status of Massachusetts health care for a few years, so I just checked for an update. What used to be called Commonwealth Care is now ConnectorCare (pdf brochure (https://betterhealthconnector.com/wp-content/uploads/Guide_to_ConnectorCare.pdf)). ConnectorCare appears to work with benefit tiers rather than subsidies. For example, for someone between the 150% and 200% federal poverty levels, premiums are $40/month with no deductible and reasonable copays. It goes up to 300% of FPL.
I tried showing her that blog entry and the other one but I had horrible timing (son was only a month or so old and she was tired) so she didn't take it the way i intended.
I think the blog entries are for you, not her, but at least it sounds like you got to "Step 1: realize that your good news will initially feel like a punch in the face."
If you push you'll get push-back. If you let it be, she's more likely to come around. There are people who read the whole blog and say where has this been all my life, and then there are people who have to see it in action, which takes a while. The former can stand a bit of argument, but the latter will shut down to argument. Keep it from becoming adversarial, assume the seeds are being planted, and let the results speak for themselves. You can have more discussions about it as she comes around. If nothing else, she'll see that it's important to you, unless you ignore what's important to her.
-
Well good for you for trying with the food switch despite the fierce opposition - it sounds like you are being as proactive as you can be on that front without causing world war 3.
Good luck with your conversation tonight with your wife - it is a hard one to have. I'd recommend focusing on this one thing with the one cat (try to avoid letting your frustration fast track you to bringing up too many issues or animals at once, which will just make her reactive), talk lots about feelings, and how you want to help the cat and her, and wanted to see if she would be willing to look into foster care for the cat. avoid talking about money or cost or how much it annoys you that you have to take care of the animals (if you do, she will probably assume you think money is more important than the animals and it could cause her to doubt your sincerity for the rest of the discussion). it sounds like she is stuck in the traditional animal lover line of thinking, which is that a truly loving owner NEVER re-homes their pets. But it sounds like your situation is one of those where many rescues would actually advocate removing the animal given the sheer number of other pets with their own behavioral needs and the fact that you are both at your wits end.
Here is a link for no kill shelters in MA: http://www.catsontheweb.org/no-killshelters.htm. You might want to check the ones closest to you first, or the bigger ones like NorthEast and MSPCA which might have more extensive foster networks.
-
I know you are concerned that you are spending more than you are making each month. But I don't think you are, even allowing for uncategorised expenses (vet bills?) over those you have listed. What you are actually doing is pulling money from your $70,000 cash pile that your wife will not let you invest and putting it into your 401k and your Roth IRA - where it is invested! So try to think of what you are doing as gradually moving your cash pile into investments. As long as more is going into your monthly investments than is coming off your cash pile, you are staying ahead of the game. Give yourself a pat on the back! So my advice would be to work on maxing out your 401k and any other tax advantaged investments available to you. You can tell your wife, if she is concerned, that you know that it is not cash in the bank, but that the tax advantages mean that you can keep 15% or 25% more than you would have if it just went to cash, and putting it into your retirement etc. is the price for saving the tax.
How would your wife feel about a (tax-advantaged?) savings account for your child's college expenses? That could be another way to move money out of the cash pile and into investments.
At some point I'm guessing your wife will want more kids. You need to sort out the pet situation before you get to that point. Because of the situation you are in (new baby, two dogs, two cast which don't get on) you obviously cannot provide the socialisation the cats need in order to be happy and healthy, and keeping them locked in isolation is borderline cruel. It seems that it is up to you to find a solution = try the no-kill shelters, try your vet - they sometimes take in cats, or know of someone who will take one in or have a noticeboard you can use to advertise the cat, try foster homes - for the cats' sakes. If those fail, then euthanasia by a vet could be better than their current situations.
If the dog barks at you but no more, try to learn to ignore it, as it is a nuisance but no more - but do make sure that the dog is not left alone with your baby son, in case at some point it decides that your son is a male it doesn't like. A muzzle would stop the dog from barking, and perhaps the temporary use of one in conjunction with advice from a good animal trainer would enable his habits to be changed.
-
Regarding animal shelters - check with local SPCAs, humane societies, etc. There are plenty of shelters that are no-kill, and will keep an animal until it's adopted. You can safely take the cats to one similar, they will be properly cared for. (as an example, search Hinsdale Humane Society, it's in IL but if you can find something similar you're golden)
-
I wanted to add that depression after a baby is born is not just something that happens to women. Men can also suffer from it, and it sounds to me like you might have a mild case of paternal postnatal depression - see, there's even a term for it.
I would try to cut yourself some slack. You are not spending more than you earn. You have a nine month old. You are exhausted and overwhelmed in large part because of this fact alone.
Life and your finances might look at lot brighter in 6-10 months.
-
I wouldn't be surprised if I had a touch of that but I've been like this for quite a while, it isn't anything new. I read a pretty awesome book about ADD (from the library of course) after seeing a PBS show on the topic and while it's never a good idea to diagnose yourself, most of it has applied to me ever since I was in elementary school. I was always smart enough in school to cover up for it but I may have something up with me. I've been taking notes from the book and I'm going to try to do what I can with diet, exercise, brain exercises, etc to see if anything gets better. Maybe it will help me chill out a bit and not be so agitated.
-
The $70K is bad but I try to funnel a few hundred a month towards the mortgage to make the $1215 payment into $2000(not included in above expenses). That's why we have 15 years left instead of 25 on the mortgage. The rest is just "emergency fund" which is basically offsetting our current overspending.
This is probably going to be contrary advice (nervously looks over shoulder), but the benefits of paying down the mortgage are much, much, smaller than most people think they are. I've examined this issue in a bunch of different ways, and the fastest way to financial independence is to keep money out of the house. The reason most people cite for paying off the house is it makes them feel better. Great. That good feeling and $4 will get you a latte'. Feelings don't get you to FI. Being smart does.
I certainly understand the need for the wife's approval. You're a partnership, and you've got to pick your battles and all that. My wife has joke when we're discussing such matters. She says "Honey! Stop using logic and reason to argue!" She's mostly just joking. Mostly.
I echo former player's advice that you need to somehow move that giant stack of cash that's shrinking due to inflation into a place where that money is working for you and making you wealthier. In this particular case, your wife likes the idea of a big emergency fund, but if the money is in the house it is really hard to get at in the case of an emergency. A nice index fund from Vanguard has cash value. Easy and fast to access in an emergency. Pleasant rates of return. Maybe that's your area of compromise? You would still have the money in case of emergency. It just isn't in cash, but it could be with the mere click of a mouse. And as that money grows, you become safer and safer, right?* It isn't that you want to trump your wife's wishes, you just want her to feel even safer than she does now. By your retirement target, that $70,000 could reasonably be $200,000.
*And of course, there is potential for a market correction at anytime. But even if it does correct, you'll still have most of the money.
-
My wife is really against investing. I basically had to do the Roth IRA and 401K before we were married so that it wouldn't be vetoed. She likes the idea of a paid off house and while it might not be the optimal way, that seems like the only way I can make any use of the $70K.
One thing you didn't say but goes along with your train of thought a bit... because we have the emergency fund so high, she never feels the pain of overspending. I often think it might be better to just not have any emergency fund so it will get her head in the game but naturally that's dangerous as all hell to really do. Putting it all in a taxable account would achieve that in a sense.
-
As a woman who is also currently in a marriage where my husband brings in the vast majority of our income, I think you might have an unhealthy power dynamic here. Regardless of the income discrepancy between the two of you, the money is shared money so she should have a say in how it is managed. However, I am concerned about the fact that your wife seems to rely on you as the primary breadwinner (and animal keeper) but consistently vetoes your thoughts regarding both money management and animal care. It doesn’t make sense that the person who contributes the most in these areas gets the least say while the person who isn’t paying the majority of the bills or doing most of the animal care gets to call the shots. This is an unsustainable and unequal power dynamic, and couples therapy may be useful in working it out. Sure, it will be an additional expense, but if it can help you both learn to compromise on big issues it will be well worth it in the long run.
-
As a woman who is also currently in a marriage where my husband brings in the vast majority of our income, I think you might have an unhealthy power dynamic here. Regardless of the income discrepancy between the two of you, the money is shared money so she should have a say in how it is managed. However, I am concerned about the fact that your wife seems to rely on you as the primary breadwinner (and animal keeper) but consistently vetoes your thoughts regarding both money management and animal care. It doesn’t make sense that the person who contributes the most in these areas gets the least say while the person who isn’t paying the majority of the bills or doing most of the animal care gets to call the shots. This is an unsustainable and unequal power dynamic, and couples therapy may be useful in working it out. Sure, it will be an additional expense, but if it can help you both learn to compromise on big issues it will be well worth it in the long run.
+1 to all of this.
-
Your wife's fear about new owners taking the cats to a kill shelter are real. I do animal rescue & people do that shit all the time. ONly let the cats go if you know the people very well. As the animals die make an agreement about how many you will have. I personally could never be with out a dog.
-
If you can't work from home, how about the library? I have an office 2 miles from home, but about once a week I go work at the nicest public library around where no one interrupts me....and they serve free coffee. I get a ton done there.
-
Littlebrowndog - You're likely right about the unequal power dynamic but to be fair, she does bust her ass with housework and being the primary caretaker of our little boy so she certainly isn't lazy.
Cassie - I was afraid you'd say that but I believe it too.
Dee - Library is a good idea. The local one doesn't open until 10am but I can manage working from home for 2 hrs then going there for the rest of the day.
I spoke to her last night about the no kill shelters in our area and she read about the one nearest us "MWHS is a volunteer-led, non-profit, no-kill shelter dependent on charitable donations." She's concerned that if they don't get enough in donations, they'll be put down. I understand her concerns so I mentioned that we should give them a call and see what the deal actually is. I think it just means they can't take in more if they don't have enough donations, not that they'll kill the ones already there. She only seems semi-okay with the downstairs cat being given away but didn't want to talk about it last night so I wisely didn't push any more. I wish it'd be the outside shed one going instead because when we bring him in(we used to switch the cats between locations), he won't use the litterbox meaning lots of cleanup so he has to stay out and continue to use the heat and AC we set up. Anything is better than nothing though so I won't push too hard.
-
I also echo what other have said, about there is a lot going on, and not to escalate on issues that are relatively trivial. 2 years after giving birth with a child who was very needy on me, we we both had severe anemia not yet treated (he didn't know he was) and adopted a dog that at the time was entirely unsuitable for our lifestyle at the time (not bonded to us, untrained, needed tons of exercise esp in the evening or would go nuts, when I was home alone taking care of 2 small children). It was bad. The few social contacts I had wouldn't come over because our dog was "crazy" and hubby would take off in the evening. I made the ultimation of consistent walks or would rehome, he escalated with the ultimatums but still wasn't giving the dogs walks (I worked during the day). The entire ordeal put a strain on our marriage. It wasn't just the dog, but that there was no compromise and little healthy communication or respect for each other. We are still working through that. One thing that helped, was hubby agreed that when I needed a break, the dog could be taken to a doggie daycare situation. Having that option available kept me sane and also made hubby take the dog walking more seriously.
-
Littlebrowndog - You're likely right about the unequal power dynamic but to be fair, she does bust her ass with housework and being the primary caretaker of our little boy so she certainly isn't lazy.
Cassie - I was afraid you'd say that but I believe it too.
Dee - Library is a good idea. The local one doesn't open until 10am but I can manage working from home for 2 hrs then going there for the rest of the day.
I spoke to her last night about the no kill shelters in our area and she read about the one nearest us "MWHS is a volunteer-led, non-profit, no-kill shelter dependent on charitable donations." She's concerned that if they don't get enough in donations, they'll be put down. I understand her concerns so I mentioned that we should give them a call and see what the deal actually is. I think it just means they can't take in more if they don't have enough donations, not that they'll kill the ones already there. She only seems semi-okay with the downstairs cat being given away but didn't want to talk about it last night so I wisely didn't push any more. I wish it'd be the outside shed one going instead because when we bring him in(we used to switch the cats between locations), he won't use the litterbox meaning lots of cleanup so he has to stay out and continue to use the heat and AC we set up. Anything is better than nothing though so I won't push too hard.
If it's a no kill shelter it's a no kill shelter. Just means they will have a waiting list, so get on that list. I think rehoming even just one of the cats (the one in the AC shed) would reduce your stress levels. Even to say something like I love you, but this is really stressing me out and affecting me.
-
Littlebrowndog - You're likely right about the unequal power dynamic but to be fair, she does bust her ass with housework and being the primary caretaker of our little boy so she certainly isn't lazy.
Cassie - I was afraid you'd say that but I believe it too.
Dee - Library is a good idea. The local one doesn't open until 10am but I can manage working from home for 2 hrs then going there for the rest of the day.
I spoke to her last night about the no kill shelters in our area and she read about the one nearest us "MWHS is a volunteer-led, non-profit, no-kill shelter dependent on charitable donations." She's concerned that if they don't get enough in donations, they'll be put down. I understand her concerns so I mentioned that we should give them a call and see what the deal actually is. I think it just means they can't take in more if they don't have enough donations, not that they'll kill the ones already there. She only seems semi-okay with the downstairs cat being given away but didn't want to talk about it last night so I wisely didn't push any more. I wish it'd be the outside shed one going instead because when we bring him in(we used to switch the cats between locations), he won't use the litterbox meaning lots of cleanup so he has to stay out and continue to use the heat and AC we set up. Anything is better than nothing though so I won't push too hard.
If it's a no kill shelter it's a no kill shelter. Just means they will have a waiting list, so get on that list. I think rehoming even just one of the cats (the one in the AC shed) would reduce your stress levels. Even to say something like I love you, but this is really stressing me out and affecting me.
OP, those types of shelters are exactly what you're looking for. They only take as many animals as they can handle, and animals are adopted into homes that will work for them. If they're full, they won't take an animal. Animals aren't put down unless there's a compelling medical or behavioral reason (and when I say compelling, I mean it. The only one I'm aware of at the shelter I volunteer at the dog was in extreme pain and there was no treatment possible.). If I had to rehome an animal, I would take it there no hesitation for it's well being. So yes, talk with them if it gets her more comfortable.
Regarding the current living conditions of the cats - I'm struggling to be nice here. Lets just say that I think you should be permanently pet free, and that other punishments are likely well deserved. Of course, I'm not really very nice if I think animals are being actively mistreated. You've got those cats in solitary confinement. Think about it.
-
Littlebrowndog - You're likely right about the unequal power dynamic but to be fair, she does bust her ass with housework and being the primary caretaker of our little boy so she certainly isn't lazy.
It's not about lazyiness. This is a communication/decision making process issue, and both of you are contributing in some way. You're under stress, I'm willing to bet your wife is feeling stressed as well. Never mind your finances, this could seriously damage your marriage. Fix the underlying issues and the rest will get better, because you'll be able to communicate and make decisions together.
-
Sibley - I totally get what you're saying. I always look at it from the financial point of view but I don't like seeing the cats the way they are. I do spend time with them and make sure they are clean but they definitely need a better home with more attention. The dogs get treated very well and are totally part of our family so please don't think of us as horrible people. I think her judgment is too clouded to make the right choice regarding the cats and I'm not very good at being supportive and getting her to see the light. Thank god she doesn't know about this forum.
I do need to work on our underlying issues. I just don't know what they exactly are. I suppose a good first step would be to have a calm conversation without even bringing up money and just ask her what causes her stress and how I can help with that .
-
A no-kill shelter is a better choice then giving them to someone that may take them to a kill shelter. The cats need socialization. Most no-kills stop taking them in once they are full so usually do not kill animals there but it would not hurt to check. WE have had cats at our no-kill shelter for up to 2 years. The ones with issues such as not using litter box, are old, etc take a very long time to get a home especially since there are so many cute kittens.
-
Sibley - I totally get what you're saying. I always look at it from the financial point of view but I don't like seeing the cats the way they are. I do spend time with them and make sure they are clean but they definitely need a better home with more attention. The dogs get treated very well and are totally part of our family so please don't think of us as horrible people. I think her judgment is too clouded to make the right choice regarding the cats and I'm not very good at being supportive and getting her to see the light. Thank god she doesn't know about this forum.
I do need to work on our underlying issues. I just don't know what they exactly are. I suppose a good first step would be to have a calm conversation without even bringing up money and just ask her what causes her stress and how I can help with that .
Oh I know, don't worry. Animal care (or lackthereof) is one of the things that can really push my buttons is all. Litter box issues - if the cat is stressed or sick, that would explain it. And good shelters will do their best to get animals into fostering to help fix issues. Also, it's not unknown for mother and adult offspring to suddenly decide they hate each other, though sometimes it can be worked through. Kinda like humans :)
Your idea is a good one. Open the door, and if she doesn't know how to walk through it, then say why don't you sleep on it. I'm always here to listen.
-
My wife is really against investing. I basically had to do the Roth IRA and 401K before we were married so that it wouldn't be vetoed. She likes the idea of a paid off house and while it might not be the optimal way, that seems like the only way I can make any use of the $70K.
One thing you didn't say but goes along with your train of thought a bit... because we have the emergency fund so high, she never feels the pain of overspending. I often think it might be better to just not have any emergency fund so it will get her head in the game but naturally that's dangerous as all hell to really do. Putting it all in a taxable account would achieve that in a sense.
The purpose of an "Emergency" fund is to be used for "emergencies". It sounds like you guys just have a type of "Slush" fund. I think it's a good idea to have an emergency fund, but it should be an amount that you guys are comfortable with and it should be used only for unforeseen emergencies. Whether that be 3, 6, or 12 months worth of expenses, that is up to you guys to decide. Then I would probably throw the rest into a taxable account.
-
Maybe make an appointment for you and your wife you go and visit a no-kill shelter? I think if she gets her concerns addressed directly, it will be easier for her to make the decision to move forward. It sounds like she is sticking her head in the sand and choosing to make no decision.
Either that or this is a point of stubborness for her and you will not resolve this easily. She obviously doesnt want to "be the kind of person" who re-homes an animal. But I think that there is absolutely nothing wrong with finding a solution that works better for everyone. If an animal is not a good fit or the dynamic is negative, re-home it so that it has the chance for a home where it will be happier.
It is not in anyone's best interest (animals included) to have this continuing.
-
I know she's been to no-kill shelters before and one in particular really turned her off. It was years ago so I don't remember the reason why. I've tried to ease into the conversation Friday and again last night but she doesn't want to talk about it. She knows it's the right move but doesn't want to be pushed so I guess I just need to leave it up to her to psych herself up to do it and be there for support when she needs it. I'm so tempted to tell her to take care of them herself because I'm done but I'm in enough shit to fight any more battles :-P
Until then, I'll just work on selling more stuff and cutting wherever I can to get the ball rolling. Once I can get that going, I won't be so stressed about the expenses so I'll be less frustrated and then maybe she won't be as oppositional.
-
Until then, I'll just work on selling more stuff and cutting wherever I can to get the ball rolling. Once I can get that going, I won't be so stressed about the expenses so I'll be less frustrated and then maybe she won't be as oppositional.
I think this is a very wise way to approach the situation. Take care of your side of the street - the things you have control of and just do that for a while. Believe me, you will be busy with that.
Around our house, I found this website about 2 years ago and it really shook me up. Long story short, I had a lot of negative feelings about my situation regarding the $ I had wasted over the decades. I'm 51 now. I began implementing the techniques I learned here. For example, stopped buying coffee and newspapers everyday. i do this once a week now. Started making my work lunches. Suggested to my husband we eat out once a week not twice. You get the idea. And, most importantly, give it some time.
My husband saw what I was doing and he started to aggressively pay off his car loan. I never said a thing to him about it.
Good luck.
PS I don't want to add to the hot water about the pets but I am also a person who would not dream of re-homing pets. Pets are for life etc. But the situation you are in with a dog that hates men and 2 cats that live in separate residences sounds really awful for you and the animals. I would consider re-homing under these circumstances where the pets may have a better life elsewhere.
-
PS I don't want to add to the hot water about the pets but I am also a person who would not dream of re-homing pets. Pets are for life etc. But the situation you are in with a dog that hates men and 2 cats that live in separate residences sounds really awful for you and the animals. I would consider re-homing under these circumstances where the pets may have a better life elsewhere.
I hate to be negative, but this just strikes me as wrong. Never re-homing a pet seems to be about self-image and self-perception, fundamentally. While a good premise in many situations, that isn't going to benefit the animal in all cases. I feel like a much better view for everyone involved is "what is best for the animal?" Just like refusing to put down a greatly suffering animal because it upsets you too much... sometimes, we don't feel good about what is best for the animal. But that is what we should do, because that animal cannot advocate for itself.
But then, I'm a "farm kid" who has a really skewed view of the world I suppose. Hard choices is what that life is all about.
(Pachnik, I do realize you came around to advising what is best for the animals, I just get frustrated always hearing "NEVER rehome" as a good principle, especially when I see friends with large, active dogs move to small apartments and work long hours, etc etc. Hurts my heart every time.)
-
Also, the boy is simply more important than the animals are, and having a dog that hates men and a boy who will be jerky and boisterous but small is not a good idea.
-
Also, the boy is simply more important than the animals are, and having a dog that hates men and a boy who will be jerky and boisterous but small is not a good idea.
Framing it this way to your wife might help. Boys become men...
-
Well the dog point becomes a bit moot when I say that the man hating one will not be rehomed. I'd be gone before that dog and she'd admit it (in a much nicer way than I make it sound, she isn't evil). The other dog was half my fault. It needed fostering because the owner was very ill so we did that for a year with all expenses paid for. After she passed on, I was too attached so when my wife asked about keeping her, I caved.
The man-hater is just about 7 and is good with kids, including my son. If she lived 8 more years which is likely pushing it, my son will be almost 9 and likely not an issue with the dog. Believe me, I've thought of every angle in the book. It's only me (or if I have male friends over which rare outside of football Sundays) that are affected by her. I'd love to bring up the dog issue to help my sanity but I already know the answer and I've pushed enough with the cat stuff as it is.
-
I think you need to take the man hating dog in for a training class. From what I've read in this thread the expense would be worth it for your happiness. I'm positive that you could find a doggy training school that has dealt with this issue before and can help the situation improve. I have spent time volunteering for a no kill animal shelter, and for the larger dogs it was always recommended or sometimes required that a new owner take the dog in for training classes. Especially if you are involved in the training it will help the dog build some trust in you, or can help you at least train her to not bark at you so much.
-
I think you need to take the man hating dog in for a training class. From what I've read in this thread the expense would be worth it for your happiness. I'm positive that you could find a doggy training school that has dealt with this issue before and can help the situation improve. I have spent time volunteering for a no kill animal shelter, and for the larger dogs it was always recommended or sometimes required that a new owner take the dog in for training classes. Especially if you are involved in the training it will help the dog build some trust in you, or can help you at least train her to not bark at you so much.
+1. Training is always worth it. "Bite the mailman" sketches are funny in comedy, but in reality they often result in the dog being seized from owners and put down.
-
2) Definitely re-home the two cats. They are not happy, otherwise they wouldn't have to be kept apart from one another and the other animals. I would definitely push on this, and stress their unhappiness. This will save you on cat food and the electric bill that you so desperately want to reduce.
I agree with this so much. Even though you are keeping the cats comfortable with food, water, and temperature control, they are really missing socialization. It must be very lonely for them. I have two cats and can't imagine keeping either of them shut away for such overwhelming time.
-
This string was pretty long so I'm not sure if it was mentioned, but I think the single most influential thing you can do is to take the $70K and put it toward the principal of your house. This puts you within ~$35K of paying it off and you are getting a 4.625% return. Open a HELOC and keep that handy as your emergency fund should you need it. In fact, the rate would probably be lower...I've seen some at 2.5% With only about $35K left, find a good 0 fee/0-2% balance transfer/convenience check offer over 15-21 months and kill the mortgage. This puts $915 back in your pocket every month which you initially use to pay off the credit line over the next 1-2 years and then gives you flexibility to increase your 401k contributions to lower your taxable income. At your level of income and mortgage balance, the difference between itemizing and the standard deduction should be negligible.
-
DoNorth - Great point. My wife is very risk averse (as am I) so doing the whole $70K won't fly. What I try to do is put an extra $800 or so to slowly eat away at the slush fund that is getting virtually no interest. Occasionally, I'll throw $5K at it to speed things along.
She wouldn't go for a HELOC and I'm not sure I'm even comfortable doing that because of impending expenses.
I know a new car for my wife is on the horizon (her 03 Focus is surviving so far but it has had issues and I don't want to jinx it) so I know the slush fund will take a $10K+ hit there. I'll be asking for advice when the time comes so that I don't get talked into a Rav4 she wants but doesn't need. Plus she wants our yard fenced in so the dogs and are son can play without worry (we live on a 40mph country road and have to tie the dogs to ropes when they want to go out and we're busy at the moment). I don't even know what that costs but at least she isn't too pushy on it. We've got a long list of stuff that we keep putting off (gotta get to the attic insulation because at least that one will pay off fairly quickly) so throwing too large a chunk at anything might bite me in the ass
-
funny you mention risk aversion. My wife came from a very risk averse family and she went the opposite way so she tends to be with me when I recommend something that sounds aggressive or risky.
I would toy around with the payroll calculator and see how much more benefit you get from going higher on the 401k and cutting back on the Roth.
I don't think you said what your net take home is, but if you put the numbers in, you get something like this: Current check with 10% 401k contribution is about $2850.
If you bump it up to the max (about 29% or $1500/month), your new take home is $2146 or $704 less. Stop the $460/mo Roth contribution and month to month you're only feeling about $244 less in take home since your withholding lowers by about $275 b/w state and fed (which you can easily cover with your big savings) yet you are putting almost $500/month more into your 401k account/month. Yes its tax deferred, but if you're going to ER, you can convert it later using a Roth conversion ladder.
-
Does your wife know how frustrated and unhappy you are? Have you told her, in terms that don't involve money, how you wish your life was different? How stressed it makes you to be barked at all the time in your own home? How you often feel like you don't even want to be at home most of the time? How you're afraid of not being a good dad to your son?
My husband is also sometimes guilty of bottling up his unhappiness. However, when he does open up, it makes such a difference. I can't help him, or change my own behaviour, if I don't understand what's bothering him. Your wife loves you, but she doesn't have ESP. You have to tell her how you're feeling and frankly the money issues are just the symptom, not the root cause of the problem.
I think it would be really, really helpful for the two of you to get some couples therapy. If you are depressed or think you have ADD, I'd also be open to the idea of taking medication for it. In the case of mental health, getting help doesn't just help you, it helps your entire family.
Once you've worked through some of the communication issues, if you want to invest the $70K in cash, see if you can find some sort of fee only financial advisor who can explain to her how much better it would be to put the money to work for you. Sometimes having these difficult conversations with a 3rd party can really help diffuse the tension. It also gives more credence to the idea since it's not just her crazy husband trying to convince her in terms she doesn't understand.
-
You have more than just money issues. 2 dogs, 2 cats, neither of which you seem to want, but the wife insists on them, yet you do all the care. Dude... I like cats and dogs, but no way would that fly. A few things, locking a cat up in a shed is not doing the cat any favors. Find it a home somewhere else, if the wife doesnt like it, tough. Just do it. Having A/C and a heater for a cat is insane. Other than that, same with the others on finding out where the rest of the money is going.
Make a budget that works, where you are spending less than you earn. Make a spreadsheet of your expenses and talk it over with your wife(probably have grandma watch the baby while you do it). Agree on a budget and go from there. If you two dont get on the same page, it will be resentment followed by divorce in 5-10 years.
-
Sign up with mint.com to figure out where your money goes. It even generates pretty pie charts to help you in your discussions with your wife.
-
DoNorth - Monthly take home is around $4150 combined after insurance and taxes and before 401K and HSA. I'll have to find this payroll calculator and mess around with it. I do the 401K and Roth IRA in conjunction because I wanted to hedge my bets. I'm not confident enough that I'll be retired by the time I'm 59.5 although I suppose I only have to guarantee retirement by 70 when I'm forced to take the money out. I'm not averse to stopping the Roth IRA and going higher on the 401K to compensate if that is really the best move considering tax brackets and all that jazz.
TrMama - Oh she knows but my problem is that I bring up money way too often that even if I give other legit reasons, she already assumes it's a bluff. The times I do mention the unhappiness, she listens but doesn't want to make the changes. Maybe it's because she figures I'll find something else to be unhappy about. I have to work on better communication because something isn't getting through. Maybe I'll start barking at her every time she gets up to go to a different room :)
Couples therapy sounds like a good idea although it's not easy to bring up in a conversation. She was supportive when I tried therapy for myself a couple of years ago. I was the one who put the kibosh on it because it didn't seem like it was helping(probably just not a good fit with the therapist)
I've never looked at mint although I've heard of it. I'm not a fan of linking our account numbers to things and we're more debit card users than credit card which is why I've done the manual tracking. It doesn't work well so I'd like to find an easy way that doesn't put all my information "out there" I do like the idea of the charts that she'll likely understand better than just me trying to explain it.
AZDude - I only do the cat care and I do like one of the dogs but I see your point. We've tried budgeting in the past but she isn't interested in being limited so I tried the tracking sheets. She doesn't like those too much but I do all the work. She isn't an extravagant shopper so she'll tell me everything that we spend is a need. Clearly it isn't true but it's hard to argue a lot of the things we buy even when I look at the receipts. Other than the extra food for parties and the pets, the overspending comes from higher than average bills (electric and gas) because of all the climate controlling. The heat kicks on at 72F(yes the *%$& heat is going on at night in fn June) and the AC kicks on at 76-77F even when we aren't home (not sure what dogs can withstand but I don't want to be cruel) Insulation is the low hanging fruit there because my attic has very little and the walls have none.
-
The heat is going on automatically or are you saying she turns it on in June? If the latter, that's crazytown. If the former, there's got to be a way to stop that.
You seem to be in the enviable position in the NE that you can drop your house at night into the upper 60s, which means you don't "need" A/C until the afternoon. Some open windows with a cross breeze could do that. I would love to be in that position. We can get away with that in May and sometimes September, but most of the summer it doesn't drop down into the 60s at night ever.
-
She sets it at 72 at night despite (too) many
nags requests by me to not do that. I'm not sure how long it is actually running at night but she is almost always cold even if she puts on layers so she won't go most nights without keeping it at that setting. Crazytown USA... sounds about right. Originally it was more like 68 because of our son being a newborn. At 9 months old, I'm sure he'd survive fine if it were 68 degrees. I think it's probably worse to keep him in the same small temperature range because then he'll never want to be outside in *gasp* other weather.
-
I know she's been to no-kill shelters before and one in particular really turned her off. It was years ago so I don't remember the reason why. I've tried to ease into the conversation Friday and again last night but she doesn't want to talk about it. She knows it's the right move but doesn't want to be pushed so I guess I just need to leave it up to her to psych herself up to do it and be there for support when she needs it. I'm so tempted to tell her to take care of them herself because I'm done but I'm in enough shit to fight any more battles :-P
So... I kind of hate to bring this up, but... I am catching a strong whiff of emotional manipulation in this situation. You have phrased so many things with lines like, "she doesn't want to talk about it," or "she won't have it, so that's out," or " I'm tempted to say X but I'm in enough shit already." Is this just hyperbole, or does she really just shut down things she doesn't want and refuse to even entertain your perspective? Because that's what it sounds like, and honestly, every time you say something like this all I can think is how unhealthy your marriage sounds and how if I were you I would be telling her I wanted to start marriage therapy. And if she refuses, like it sounds as though she does whenever you bring up something she isn't 100% in favor of, I would say, fair enough, but I'm going on my own, then.
-
I don't intend hyperbole but it isn't easy to translate it into a forum post. I typically get the "I don't want to talk about it" or she'll defend the things that I don't like (ie: thermostat, pets, etc) so I feel like there is no progress or compromise. Therapy is likely a really good idea even if she won't go but I just don't see me being able to make any progress with or without it. It's not like I can tell her the therapist told me we should compromise more and then *voila* she goes along with even one thing on my list. I shouldn't be predicting negative outcomes but I see her seeing it as a 2 on 1 now. Of course, I'm not perfect and I need to fix things too which I'd also bring up and try to do. I don't want her to get even more defensive.
-
She sets it at 72 at night despite (too) many nags requests by me to not do that. I'm not sure how long it is actually running at night but she is almost always cold even if she puts on layers so she won't go most nights without keeping it at that setting. Crazytown USA... sounds about right. Originally it was more like 68 because of our son being a newborn. At 9 months old, I'm sure he'd survive fine if it were 68 degrees. I think it's probably worse to keep him in the same small temperature range because then he'll never want to be outside in *gasp* other weather.
I still don't understand your system. Most systems you either have the heat on OR the A/C OR nothing. To switch between the two you have to do so manually, i.e. push a button or two to switch systems. Do you not have to do that? Otherwise, I just don't understand how, if it dips below 72 at night, the heat would go on in June. With our A/C, it just means that the A/C won't run if the temp goes below what we have designated as our desired temperature.
-
I still don't understand your system. Most systems you either have the heat on OR the A/C OR nothing. To switch between the two you have to do so manually, i.e. push a button or two to switch systems.
Some thermostats have an Auto setting that will turn heat on below a certain temperature and A/C on above a certain temperature.
-
Jane, it is a programmable thermostat but she does this temperature setting manually. She will put it on 72 before bed so that if the temp falls, it will kick on. Then during the day, she will put the AC setting(Central Air) on when she feels warm (usually at 76-78 degrees). It's a question of heat/cold tolerance, not an issue with the heating/Central Air system.
-
I know this sounds weird, but if these conversations become too overheated by talking about it, or one partner is avoidant, one way to communicate is to write it out. Not as a passive aggressive letter, but let her know, there are important issues and you are going to write them out and share them. And if she has things that are bugging her or wants to talk about, to invite her to write them out so can express them. And take turns reading the letters. The letters should not be demands or ultimatums, but framed like, "when situation x happens, I feel trapped. I am under the understanding the only options are a) , or b) neither which I am happy about." Frame it how you feel or what you feel is going on.
Once read, don't have to respond immediately. Just listen, and then can write responses.
-
Jane, it is a programmable thermostat but she does this temperature setting manually. She will put it on 72 before bed so that if the temp falls, it will kick on. Then during the day, she will put the AC setting(Central Air) on when she feels warm (usually at 76-78 degrees). It's a question of heat/cold tolerance, not an issue with the heating/Central Air system.
Thanks - sorry for being obtuse! You really have my sympathies. I lived with individuals who had no heat or cold tolerance, and it was very difficult. All my arguments about thrift fell on deaf ears. Usually you have someone who is cold intolerant but saves money in the summer by not using as much air. It's a double whammy if someone won't tolerate either.
Any chance a down comforter in the summer would help you not have to turn the heat on at night for at least those months?
-
Tell her you're feeling overwhelmed, and would like to figure out better ways of communicating with her, so you are setting up an appointment with a couples therapist for the two of you. 'Cause here's the thing... a marriage isn't supposed to work for just one person. If one of you says, "We need marriage counseling," then you both need it.
Therapy is likely a really good idea even if she won't go but I just don't see me being able to make any progress with or without it.
If you can't see your relationship getting better under any circumstances, it's time for a lawyer.
-
There is a cat calming spray you may want to try called Feliway. Yes, it works. Stops cat fighting and calms them down so they'll get along better. You must spray it frequently for it to work.
I'd try that before I gave away my pets.
www.catfaeries.com sells Feliway. You can also get at Amazon.
-
Don’t worry about the dogs overheating in the summer if your wife is at home with the baby to monitor the temp. Dogs in a shady room with fans and plenty of water may get warm/slightly uncomfortable just like a person would, but they will be fine unless your home is literally clocking in the 90+ range. If humans can happily survive in an 84 degree home, other than maybe feeling a bit sticky and sleepy, healthy animals can as well. When we go to work in the summer, we close the shades, put up 2 fans for the dogs to circulate the air/give some relief, and leave extra water out.
As for the baby – in Iceland it is actually a thing for babies to be put outside to sleep in the very cold (bundled up of course). The belief is that the chilled air is good for the children. So clearly keeping an infant at 68 in a home is probably not going to harm him.
Sounds like your wife may have some neuroses – only specific pet foods, specific animal care situations, specific money management strategies, specific temperatures in the house…does she have an anxiety disorder that you know of? Did the situation get worse after having the baby (maybe some residual PPD)? If so that could be contributing to her rigidity. Many times people who can’t let go of specific preferences despite logical arguments from others are actually very (irrationally) afraid of what might happen if they take a more laid back approach. They become convinced that the baby is going to get deathly ill if he gets a little chilly, the dogs might die if they don't get the most expensive food, etc.
-
So I kept reading and reading hoping for better resolution and still found none , so +10 to the message below - there are serious issues in the marriage right now and I think finances should be the last of yours concerns. You are really unhappy (whether you admit it or not), have crazy power dynamic (do you need her permission to breathe too?) , have woman that may prefer a dog (!!) to her husband (friend, lover, father of her child). This is seriously screwed up and you suffocating while living with emotional vampire and a control freak. Cat (potentially cats) need to go, the 'men hating dog' (whatever it is) needs to go, and conversation need to start focusing on us vs just her preferences or whims. and if you can not seem to fix it (which is much better than any alternative) then your marriage is at risk of going or your life/happiness is at risk of going (depression/suicide) . Why did you marry this woman to begin with? Why did she marry you if she is so set in her world and preferences? where is the partnership and union? no, house shores are not partnership. Sorry for being direct.
"It's not about lazyiness. This is a communication/decision making process issue, and both of you are contributing in some way. You're under stress, I'm willing to bet your wife is feeling stressed as well. Never mind your finances, this could seriously damage your marriage. Fix the underlying issues and the rest will get better, because you'll be able to communicate and make decisions together."
-
I know you don't have extra capacity right now, but consider if you have any bad habits that might be making her life more stressed unnecessarily. You arrived here together.
-
So... I kind of hate to bring this up, but... I am catching a strong whiff of emotional manipulation in this situation. You have phrased so many things with lines like, "she doesn't want to talk about it," or "she won't have it, so that's out," or " I'm tempted to say X but I'm in enough shit already." Is this just hyperbole, or does she really just shut down things she doesn't want and refuse to even entertain your perspective? Because that's what it sounds like, and honestly, every time you say something like this all I can think is how unhealthy your marriage sounds and how if I were you I would be telling her I wanted to start marriage therapy. And if she refuses, like it sounds as though she does whenever you bring up something she isn't 100% in favor of, I would say, fair enough, but I'm going on my own, then.
I agree. This is a dysfunctional situation. If you are not able to have your own way at alll or arrive at meaningful compromises, it will breed resentment over time.
My mother is like this. Its her way or the highway. And WOW have I gotten resentful over the years, along with my father. Its pretty disrespectful when someone will not entertain another point of view out of sheer bloody mindedness.
-
First off, thank you all for your advice, support, face punches, etc. I had been putting off a case study (or whatever this morphed into ) for a few months but it feels good to get it out.
I made it a mission last night to not talk about money at all and just enjoy each others' company. Worked pretty well, just taking care of our son and then when he fell asleep, we played a couple of board games. No anger, resentment, etc. Obviously avoiding the issue at all times won't help but I don't have to say the same things everyday to remind her of the issues. I could definitely lighten up a bit.
Jane - We haven't tried a down comforter. We use a few blankets and a regular comforter. I've tried a space heater so the room is whatever she wants but the rest of the house isn't being heated or cooled for nothing but she gets up with the baby the nights I work so even for just 10-20 min, she's set on feeling comfortable.
Chrissy - I'm leaning in that direction. We're both stubborn people so an impartial 3rd party would really help us communicate better and learn to compromise.
Josie - I'm hoping we go the route of one or both cats being rehomed. If I mention the spray, it might distract her from that and it wouldn't solve the issue of them being secluded. They still would be in a room or shed rather than having run of the house because of the dogs.
LBD - She does feel anxious a lot. I'm not sure if it's worse since we had our son or not but either way, there are some neuroses.
Midwest - No worries about being direct. It's a pretty big elephant as to why we are married but we do love each other a lot and we never thought our bickering was an issue because every married couple we know does the same thing. The cats came while we were dating but the dogs were after we got engaged(1 was after marriage) so I saw some of it coming.
I do feel like our marriage will fall apart if we don't start fixing our problems immediately. I've even expressed that concern and she doesn't think we have any problems which is why I don't think she would go for marriage counseling but to be fair, I have not mentioned that in particular yet. I've already had the depression for a while (even before I met her) but there is a small part of me that wouldn't mind "checking out" before my son is old enough to remember me since I lost my dad right before I became a teenager and it messed me up pretty badly. Not a threat! I would never ever follow through on something like that but the thoughts have entered my mind on occasion. All it takes is looking at him or a picture of him and it gets me back to reality.
Shoulder - For the most part, I'm pretty lazy around the house because I have no energy after work and any day off I get, I just want to have fun. I'll procrastinate, then start a chore and just kind of lose interest and half ass it. That's the biggest thing I need to improve.
MMMaybe - It does breed resentment. I could never wait to get home from work but now, I don't mind if I leave a little late or get stuck in traffic. It's definitely not healthy so I'll have to find a way to bring up counseling.
Gypsy - I almost missed your comment. Writing it out is a good idea. It feels like taking the easy way out not talking face to face but I have tried that and it doesn't work that well. I do tend to get passive-aggressive so I have to watch what I write but if I stick to the facts and the feelings they give me, I'm sure I can make it work.
-
I'm going to throw a few thoughts out there as a person who has been married one year and is fairly certain that my marriage is going to go through a serious rough patch in a few years when we have kids.
Your communication styles aren't working. And a baby makes everyone tired. Which makes it harder to get good communication going. Serious question-when was the last time you guys when on a family outing or a date for the just parents? Did you reconnect at all? My DH and I work semi-opposite schedules right now, and after basically saying "good morning, good night, and do these three chores please" for 5 or so days, it's easy to argue. But one date fixes the feeling, or hell even just starting a backyard fire and having a drink together. And we have a puppy that needs lots of attention. I can't imagine your crazy animal situation.
In our situation, a budget helps with all of these things. Some of the money you're not accounting for probably goes to random baby-related items, and probably some mom clothing for the crazily changing body of the woman you're married to. Just guessing though. But a budget says we have x to do fun family things this month, and y for hosting people, and q for baby things. We also leave a buffer of $100 for "well we went over this category" instances or times when you just don't have a category to stick an expense in. It really helps frame conversations about, say, heat and a/c for a shed for a cat costing a lot of money. And affecting other things you do.
Another thing that helps is sitting down and figuring out exactly what chores each person is responsible for. You have a long day at work and just want to recharge? Well all day at home with a baby is not exactly kicking your feet up, which you probably know from your Saturdays home with the kid. But deciding that you'll take care of the animals is different from you ending up stuck with them. And you committing do doing the dishes and dusting/vacuuming and then actually doing them goes a long way. Same with her doing the breastfeeding/feeding the kid in general, laundry, errands, planning of events. On a side note, I don't think my husband really understands how much time me doing our mail actually takes.
It seems like you're both a bit resentful of the other person. Being proactive about chores/responsibilities and money can go a long way to solving both. Because now I can be mad at my husband for not taking out the trash because it's actually something he's supposed to do, even when he's tired after work. Which is better than resentfully taking out the trash/feeding the dog/etc. every other day and over months building up anger. Some good conversations, and possibly some counseling, can go a long way in fixing these things.
You've mentioned a lot of things she doesn't want to change when you ask, from rehoming an animal to the thermostat. Before counseling/a big discussion-what do you not change to her preferences?
-
Jane - We haven't tried a down comforter. We use a few blankets and a regular comforter. I've tried a space heater so the room is whatever she wants but the rest of the house isn't being heated or cooled for nothing but she gets up with the baby the nights I work so even for just 10-20 min, she's set on feeling comfortable.
How about getting her a warm bathrobe?
-
All the best to you, Krambigmac. I hope you work things out so that life becomes easier and happier :)
-
I have not seen this so far in the thread, but I love the YNAB program You Need A Budget.
You dont connect your accounts to it, although you can export from your accounts into it.
With YNAB, you plan how you will spend your money. You can plan for expenses that will come up months ahead, like new car purchases.
Perhaps if your wife saw that upcoming expenses were planned for, she would feel less pyschologically dependent on the huge emergency fund.
I know how challenging it can be to have a new baby. Lot of changes going on in your household.
I also know how challenging it is to have a spouse who does not love mustachianism.
Maybe talk about dividing up some of the slush fund for each of you to control how it is spent. Perhaps she can determine how half of it gets used, and you can invest half. Or consider future windfalls might be divided up some way similar. ??
about the cats..oy. you gotta solve that problem. Keep on that.
You guys have a lot to work out and I wish you the best.
-
You can actually put clothes on newborns, you know. Both our kids did great as newborns/infants/toddlers (that's as far as we've gotten) with the thermostat set to 58 at night.
But really, that's trivia. Your wife seems to be running everything into the ground here. Is there a mental problem involved? Is this the dynamic that existed before your son was born? Because honestly, I don't see this marriage lasting much longer. I know I'd have put my foot down about most of this stuff (cats, dog, thermostat, money slowly losing value in checking account, etc) a long time ago. Have you made it clear to her that she is quite literally destroying your entire family's future?
-W
She sets it at 72 at night despite (too) many nags requests by me to not do that. I'm not sure how long it is actually running at night but she is almost always cold even if she puts on layers so she won't go most nights without keeping it at that setting. Crazytown USA... sounds about right. Originally it was more like 68 because of our son being a newborn. At 9 months old, I'm sure he'd survive fine if it were 68 degrees. I think it's probably worse to keep him in the same small temperature range because then he'll never want to be outside in *gasp* other weather.
-
Apples - Besides my wife's root canal a few months back and a few other longer doctors appointments, no one has babysat our son so he has been with her at virtually all times. She loves it but at the same time, I can tell it's stressful for her. That means no family outings (besides running errands or a quick trip to the park) and no time without him. We may start needing a babysitter soon if we go ahead with counseling. We had a talk last night where I gently brought it up and she was sad but I think she understands it's a good idea. My work has a thing called LifeScope where we can get 3 face to face meetings for free so if I can pair that up with a counselor that actually takes Cigna for future meetings (not that easy to find around here for some reason), we can get the ball rolling. Not sure what you are asking with "what do I not change for her preferences" but I am not proactive enough with chores. I've never taken criticism well so between doing something and getting nagged about it or doing nothing and getting nagged, I take the easier road because I feel like I have no energy. It's definitely not a good thing so I'm sure being more proactive at home would go a decent ways.
LeRainDrop - That's a really easy idea that never came to mind. She has a robe she doesn't wear often but I can see if she would prefer a new one that is maybe a bit warmer.
waltworks - Most of this existed before our son was born. With the heat as an example, we used to have oil so the bills were larger. I could convince her to keep it between 60-65 even though she didn't like it. Then we got gas which is cheaper but "lifestyle creep" took effect and it went up to 68-70. Then after our son was born, 72-73 became the minimum. I am not good at putting my foot down even though I mentioned about it hurting our future. I try not too be too hard on her because I don't want her mad at me but I'm slowly getting past that point so at least I'm not bottling everything up anymore.
N - She isn't into budgets because she doesn't want to feel limited. I've always tried to focus on cutting out as much fat as possible but that might be what overwhelms her. If YNAB will work on my Ubuntu PC, I could try that. She is the only one with a smartphone and I know she wouldn't be interested in using it but I could at least ask before assuming.
-
Apples - Besides my wife's root canal a few months back and a few other longer doctors appointments, no one has babysat our son so he has been with her at virtually all times. She loves it but at the same time, I can tell it's stressful for her. That means no family outings (besides running errands or a quick trip to the park) and no time without him. We may start needing a babysitter soon if we go ahead with counseling. We had a talk last night where I gently brought it up and she was sad but I think she understands it's a good idea. My work has a thing called LifeScope where we can get 3 face to face meetings for free so if I can pair that up with a counselor that actually takes Cigna for future meetings (not that easy to find around here for some reason), we can get the ball rolling. Not sure what you are asking with "what do I not change for her preferences" but I am not proactive enough with chores. I've never taken criticism well so between doing something and getting nagged about it or doing nothing and getting nagged, I take the easier road because I feel like I have no energy. It's definitely not a good thing so I'm sure being more proactive at home would go a decent ways.
This is going to sound weird, but get your son away from your wife. Seriously. She needs some time to decompress. Do something simple at first - take your son for a walk around the block. Do this every day. Then when she is ok with that (she won't be a first) then increase the time away - take him with your shopping or something.
My wife went insane when our son was born. To the point I had to call her parents to drive 3 hours to watch him one night while we just left the house and take a mini vacation (stayed at the holiday inn like 2 miles away). She was freaking out the whole time, but that was the first night either of us got a solid night of sleep. She thanked me for it later (even though she cursed me for it at the time).
N - She isn't into budgets because she doesn't want to feel limited. I've always tried to focus on cutting out as much fat as possible but that might be what overwhelms her. If YNAB will work on my Ubuntu PC, I could try that. She is the only one with a smartphone and I know she wouldn't be interested in using it but I could at least ask before assuming.
Mint/Personal Capital is another good option, especially if you spend primarily on a debt/credit card. It can easily show you and her how much you are spending and in what categories. Once she sees how much you are truly spending on pets each month, it's harder to ignore - you aren't "just making up numbers" you have it backed with actually spending data.
Also, at least for me, it helps us realize that we really didn't spend as much in some categories as we thought - like utilities. And how much we wasted on useless things - like drinks at gas stations that we could have just brought from home.
-
I failed to mention she does work one day a week (Saturdays) so that's another time he isn't with her. He's with me that day. I think it would be nice to have a babysitter on occasion. My mom has always been willing so it isn't like we can't find one. Our anniversary is later this month so I will make sure we can do something that day, just the two of us.
We aren't perfect with how we spend. It's credit card rarely, debit card often, and cash sometimes. What these tracking things will likely help me with (if they do it) is itemize and categorize properly. I would put Walgreens $26.45 in my notebook and then get rid of the receipt if I wasn't returning anything. Well weeks/months later, I don't know if there was a prescription in there, baby formula, milk, etc. Do these programs split that well? If so, does it even split sales tax accordingly? I know that's a minor blip but I'm just curious how they work.
-
Regarding "what do you change for her preferences": you have mentioned (rightfully) many things like thermostat, dog food, keeping of pets, etc. that you want to change but she doesn't, so currently you're doing things differently to please her preferences, but mostly because she realllly isn't interested in changing hers. So I meant before you bring this up, figure out a few things that you personally are changing for her that you're fine with keeping that way. Like, you now eat oatmeal every morning because she likes it, or do the dishes because she hates them, or something. I know in my lower moments, when my spouse wants me to change something I do, it's helpful to be reminded on things he does differently for me; not in a nagging way, just in a way that shows how we both are doing things for each other.
Also, I agree with others above-babies make people crazy. Your wife can handle a day away, and probably even a date night. But I had a relative who basically regarded most decisions about the kid as "hers", as in her opinion mattered more, because/she/got/crazy/and/hormones/and/maternal/instinct/and/internet/websites and a lot of hours alone making decisions about the kid. And this is a usually intelligent, not crazy person.
Final thought-if I'm the one getting up with the baby every night, the thermostat will be set to whatever I damn well please and you'll never convince me otherwise. Though the space heater thing would have probably worked for me.
-
One subject that hasn't been addressed is wife's income. 500 per month is very little and is coming at a high cost (you lose one of two weekend days with your wife). Has she though about providing home daycare instead? Not ideal but has greater income potential and weekends would be family time.
If she brought home$1000 a month instead of $500 that would go a long way towards balancing the budget.
Also, if she's motivated by the idea of paying off the mortgage, then use that. There are plenty of arguments for and against this as a savings priority, but if it motivates her to save, that's valuable.
Also....try a supplement called phosphatidylserine for ADD, in one study worked as well as Ritalin and it's not a stimulant.
-
One subject that hasn't been addressed is wife's income. 500 per month is very little and is coming at a high cost (you lose one of two weekend days with your wife). Has she though about providing home daycare instead? Not ideal but has greater income potential and weekends would be family time.
If she brought home$1000 a month instead of $500 that would go a long way towards balancing the budget.
I don't know. If she os stressed by the baby and overwhelmed by spending almost 24/7 with children, throwing more kids into to the mix doesn't sound like a good idea. Just because you are a mom doesn't mean you are suited to paid childcare. And maybe she loves that time on the week-end when she is away from the home. Just a thought.
-
One subject that hasn't been addressed is wife's income. 500 per month is very little and is coming at a high cost (you lose one of two weekend days with your wife). Has she though about providing home daycare instead? Not ideal but has greater income potential and weekends would be family time.
If she brought home$1000 a month instead of $500 that would go a long way towards balancing the budget.
I don't know. If she os stressed by the baby and overwhelmed by spending almost 24/7 with children, throwing more kids into to the mix doesn't sound like a good idea. Just because you are a mom doesn't mean you are suited to paid childcare. And maybe she loves that time on the week-end when she is away from the home. Just a thought.
Agreed. My mom ran a family daycare from our home in Massachusetts for 20+ years. She did a phenomenal job running this business and caring for the many children over the years. Having seen this firsthand, though, I can tell you that a legitimate day care is a TON more work than just baby-sitting other kids. It involves getting licensed by the state, certifications in CPR and other life-saving techniques, home visits to confirm proper child-proofing, fire extinguishers, fire escape plans, etc., having cribs in several rooms, high chairs, lots of toys, car seats, strict regulations for proper nutrition, limits on numbers/age combinations of kids, and many more things I cannot recall. At least in Massachusetts, it was illegal to have any sort of day care without a license and meeting the requirements.
-
I don't know about Massachusetts, but in most states, there is a staffing limit (ie 6 kids per adult) and usually an exemption or simplified licensing if you're only watchin 1-2 kids. 2 kids could bring in $1k a month.
An alternative is to develop some work from home business, although I personally found caring for a small child too distracting.
-
Hey everyone, back after a long weekend staying as far away from computers as I could. We had a long talk the other night and I think we're slowly making a little progress. Friday, she surprised me by putting the 2 cats on Kijiji and Craigslist! I was almost in tears thanking her because I knew that was such a point of contention and a really big sacrifice for her. Saturday, we got interest for the outside shed cat from an older disabled woman who shares a duplex with her daughter but unfortunately, she backed out a few hours later saying it wasn't into her budget. Hard to complain with that reason. At least she backed out before we drove the hour to bring the cat to her. We did contact a few local no kill shelters and are on lengthy waiting lists so at least we got the ball rolling which is always the hardest part.
frugaldrummer - I had actually started a post looking for work from home ideas for her but couldn't seem to do anything about it. She did try leapforce and took the test, but has not heard anything back. I've been listing more of my stuff on Ebay to get some other money coming in (I can't believe I have a GameCube game that goes for over $100) Hell, if I really miss the game that much, I'll watch a YouTube video of someone else playing it.
Regarding home daycare as LeRainDrop said, there are so many hoops to go through in Massachusetts. At first I didn't want her going back to work at all because with that $90/week (net) comes a 30 mile round trip commute. Technically, the math works for her to work and she likes it there so at least she gets a baby break. I do miss having that 2nd day with her though because Sunday ends up being a cleaning day until early afternoon when we might go see family later in the day.
Apples - As far as what I've given up from my own choices and am happy staying without, there are a few. My family always had cable TV but when we bought our house, I knew I didn't want to fall into that trap so we use an antenna on the roof to pick up our channels (Fortunately we get about 50, I don't know why people need 500). She wanted a little more selection so we got Netflix which I wouldn't drop unless she were tired of it. I do eat oatmeal with PB almost every morning to save on meals (I went through boxed cereal and waffles way too quickly). I never buy lunch at work and I quit going to any fast food/coffee shops unless we have a gift card. I collected video games and sports cards which I am now selling 90% of because the space is so much more valuable. I used to go to the bar every weekend after P-Bruins games but I cut the bar to once a month max and stopped going to the hockey games entirely. I do try to lead by example and sacrifice in a way that doesn't look like I'm suffering.
The important part is that, although it's only been the past few days, we have been communicating better and this is the first time I really felt like we've been on the same team. Rather than me nag when she wants to buy something or do something a certain way, we'll figure out what the goal is (warmth, saving time, a new toy for our son) and see if there is a way to achieve it without spending as much. It's a start but at least for the moment, I feel a lot better than I have over the past few weeks.
Oh yeah, I got the okay to put a pretty big chunk on the mortgage principal($7K including normal payment) which gets us down to just a hair over $100K balance and took 11 months off the term if we never made another extra payment :)
-
The important part is that, although it's only been the past few days, we have been communicating better and this is the first time I really felt like we've been on the same team.
Fantastic!
Friday, she surprised me by putting the 2 cats on Kijiji and Craigslist! I was almost in tears thanking her because I knew that was such a point of contention and a really big sacrifice for her.
Wow! I did not expect this! This sounds like a huge gesture on her part. Don't let her forget how much you appreciate this while you find their new homes. I hope you can stay sensitive to her feelings as you celebrate inside -- it might be really hard to let the cats go even if she is the one that initiates it. Good luck and keep going! :D
-
I can't believe I have a GameCube game that goes for over $100
What game is it?
-
It's a game called Cubivore, really good but with little time to play games and a need for $100+, I'm making the smart move.
-
ynab is a budgeting tool, but its not about rigidity or arbitrary limits. it shows you how to spend the actual money that you have. its not necessarily for your wife. you could use it too.
-
Quick update - The cats have been re-homed. Yesterday morning we got two separate calls about the cats and sure enough ,they came by to pick them up. I'm very glad we didn't have to resort to a shelter and it made it a lot easier for my wife to deal with it. I sold a few games this weekend for about $125-130 after Ebay fees and instead of going out to eat like we we re thinking of doing, we bought some burgers and buns from Price Rite, made some homemade iced coffees, brought out the radio, filled up the little pool and had a mini cookout with our son under our carport. It was a great way to spend a couple of hours relaxing and enjoying the near 90 degree day :)
I'm doing better this month itemizing our spending so it will be easier to see exactly what categories our money is going.
Our communication seems to be going much better too so hopefully all of this will snowball into success.
-
That's a great update. There will be days where you aren't kicking ass nearly as much as you did this weekend, but it sounds like you are getting a grip on things.
Are you selling the cat AC unit?
-
Yes, this is a great update. I am so happy that the cats have new homes and so quickly too. This should give you some financial relief. :)
I track my expenses too and only started doing this consistently a year or so after I found this website.
Cheers! and have a good summer.
-
Quick update - The cats have been re-homed. Yesterday morning we got two separate calls about the cats and sure enough ,they came by to pick them up. I'm very glad we didn't have to resort to a shelter and it made it a lot easier for my wife to deal with it. I sold a few games this weekend for about $125-130 after Ebay fees and instead of going out to eat like we we re thinking of doing, we bought some burgers and buns from Price Rite, made some homemade iced coffees, brought out the radio, filled up the little pool and had a mini cookout with our son under our carport. It was a great way to spend a couple of hours relaxing and enjoying the near 90 degree day :)
I'm doing better this month itemizing our spending so it will be easier to see exactly what categories our money is going.
Our communication seems to be going much better too so hopefully all of this will snowball into success.
!!! This is such great news! Not just the cats, but the communication. I'm so glad to see a little harmony in your life right now. Wonderful!
-
Congratulations on the update. You must have been doing a good job on both your finances and your marriage, and it has started to pay off. Thank you too for letting us know about the progress you have been making - it is very heartening to get such positive feedback.