If we decide to give them a backstop or safety net we won't tell them in advance.
This is a huge mistake. Your kids' first few years out on their own will be tough enough
without Mom and Dad being unclear on what resources they're willing to provide vs. surprises. And if you say, "I'll pay your college tuition, but you're on your own for living expenses." and then you cave and decide that you'll pay for the dorm and a car . . . you'll leave them thinking that if they beg hard enough you might pay for a spring break trip. Or after graduation, even if you've told them that you're not paying their living expenses, if you provide that "safety net" and pay the rent one month, it'll make them think you might do it again in the future.
Instead, tell them what you are willing to pay towards college and in their first years on their own. Whether you intend it to be generous or skimpy, tell them truthfully. Make it clear that -- emergencies or illnesses aside -- this is the plan, and then stick to it. The time to start this conversation is about the time they start high school. At that point, they're ready to consider college expenses, and that's when grades start to matter.
We told our girls the following:
- We will pay for four years (8 semesters, not summer school) at a state university; by that, we mean tuition and fees, dorm and meal plan. If they choose a private school, they must pay the difference in cost. If they choose an apartment, they must pay the difference in cost.
- We expect them to pay for books and supplies, clothing, and extras.
- We will provide transportation to and from school as often as they want to come home.
- We will not pay for private school tuition, sorority expenses, meals out, or other "above and beyond" items. We will buy basic dorm supplies (i.e., sheets and a lamp), but we will not provide fancy-schmancy decorations as if it's a forever home.
- We will keep them on our cell phone plan and health insurance plan throughout college. After college, if it's in everyone's financial interest to keep them on these plans (i.e., a $10/month phone instead of a whole new plan), they can pay their portion of the bill.
- They're always welcome to come home. Forever. Doesn't mean we'll buy them a car or give them money to go out, but they will always, always have a bedroom and a meal at our house.
- They're always welcome to take part in family vacations. Forever.
When we talked about these things in high school, our oldest thought we were being stingy. She saw her friends getting their own cars, SmartPhones and so forth. Now, as a college sophomore,
she gets it. She constantly thanks us for seeing "the big picture" and she fully understands that it's better to graduate debt-free than to have had a car at 16. She's very frugal with her money. If we can do as well with our youngest, I'll be thrilled.
And a large part of her success is that she knew EXACTLY where we stood on all things financial. She could "plan around us".
But didn't you say in your first post that you are planning to pay for their college education? So how will this work? And mind you, I don't think there is anything wrong with paying for your kids' college degrees. I am doing that currently because I have the means to do it (however, I would not incur debt to finance my kids college).
I did think that was a priority for you.