Author Topic: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous  (Read 15617 times)

OSUBearCub

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #50 on: March 30, 2015, 09:23:33 AM »
Nothing more ridiculous than funerals. Dressing up a dead body, and dumping copious amounts of make-up on their face. Then everyone stands around and comments "They look wonderful", while staring at a dead body.

That's seriously messed up. And expensive, too. Just like weddings.

The point of funerals is closure for the family.  It's not about you, it's about the loved ones who need to start moving on.  When emotion overwhelms logic, you sometimes need to see a cold, dead relative to bring a little rational thinking into the equation.

Similar idea with weddings:

Bachelor/bachelorette party - breaks the ice for the attendants who may not know each other very well
Brunch and/or rehearsal dinner - breaks the ice for the immediate families
Ceremony - pretty much all about the couple and the families ratifying the bond
Reception - family bonding/blending, opportunity to meet most of your new extended family for the first time, and community building
(Also, what better first impression than the day you look your most beautiful/handsome and happy?)

Only one of these traditions is solely about the couple.  The rest are about the friends and family.

Now none of the above needs to be extravagant in any way.  Do your thing.  However, I find it rather silly to waste the opportunity to bring folks together when modern living has the tendency to be isolating.

celticmyst08

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #51 on: March 30, 2015, 10:32:50 AM »
I think wedding traditions are all silly to someone, so it's important to decide which ones are important to you and leave the rest. When my husband and I got married last year, we discussed what traditions were meaningful to us (and/or our parents), what we wanted to modify, and what we wanted to throw out. We had a quite casual wedding weekend overall... the rehearsal dinner was a nacho bar (mmmm) and we invited all the family rather than just the members of the wedding party. Our bachelor/bachelorette party was co-ed and we had a scavenger hunt and played board games.

Kept: General wedding ceremony stuff (walking down the aisle, bridesmaids with flowers, prayer/homily/vows, etc), white dress, reception toasts, cake cutting
Modified: Both my parents walked me down the aisle, and we did the "first look" photos rather than waiting for the ceremony - although that seems to be way more common now than it used to be. Had multiple small cakes rather than a giant poofy wedding cake.
Threw out: Flower girl, special dances, garter/bouquet

Instead of the bouquet toss, we had our MC find out how long guests had been married (i.e. "raise your hand if you've been married for at least 1 year..... 5 years.... 10 years..." etc) and then I gave my bouquet to the couple who had been married the longest. We liked the idea of honoring our guests who had set examples for us for how to have a good and long-lasting marriage.

I'm glad we kept at least the traditional "rehearsal dinner + wedding + reception" because we got to meet each other's families, catch up with old friends, etc, and we loved being able to share this important milestone in our lives with all our loved ones. (We considered eloping and having a reception later, but all our guests were out of town so we figured why not just have the wedding at the same time.)

tlars699

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #52 on: March 30, 2015, 11:23:26 AM »
We just had our wedding (3/14/15, pi day) and I've realized something about weddings: They are the first real test that any long term relationship has to go through.
That's why it has become so ridiculously anything.

We got married with zero net expenses because of the monetary gifts, most of which we received paid off the 1000$ on the amazon credit card spent for the wedding and groceries during said planning time.

But we only did so because we teamed up, and agreed on everything about the wedding: What sort of feel we wanted, who was going to get what done for it, how much we wanted to spend(as little as possible), who we wanted to invite and why, etc.

THIS^^ is the above important crap about a wedding. How you become partners, by communicating what is important to you and why. Or discussing about what you disagree with and why, and how you have a different plan on how to get things done.

Religion has become far less serious to the majority of the population, and most long term relationships start FAR from home, so there's no direct lectures/schooling from the elders available as to how to resolve problems together. We can ask for advice, but it can be very uncomfortable and we aren't always guaranteed to get good advice- we've seen how the path they recommend has come to fruition, and might not want that replicated for ourselves.

So, our culture has come up with an alternative educational process: the Project method.
We are forced to work with each other to figure out how to throw this shin-dig, what's important to us to have it, and have it be "acceptable" to expectations of ourselves and other people.
"Important" and "Acceptable" are what we define them as, and this is where contentions can arise between the couple- if they have differing opinions on those definitions.
What should happen is that they work together on those, and make a plan/compromise.

gluskap

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #53 on: March 30, 2015, 12:03:25 PM »
We got married before I found MMM and we had a pretty traditional wedding including us spending the average $30k on it.  Luckily we didn't go into debt and we could afford it but if I could do it again, I'd probably do a destination wedding and spent a much cheaper amount.  The reason I didn't want to do that the first time was because my family isn't very into traveling and I didn't think they would go if we did that.  But in hindsight, we could've just done a cheap reception locally for the family and just done the destination wedding for us and our friends.  Overall though we had an amazing time at our wedding so in some ways it was worth it.

lifejoy

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #54 on: March 30, 2015, 02:03:48 PM »
If we didn't have weddings, there would only be funerals. That's my perspective. Gotta have some joyful celebratory gatherings in there.

Now as for tradition and expense... everyone is different.

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #55 on: March 30, 2015, 05:44:45 PM »
If we didn't have weddings, there would only be funerals. That's my perspective. Gotta have some joyful celebratory gatherings in there.

Now as for tradition and expense... everyone is different.

Ha! In my time in Sub-Saharan Africa I've learned that the actual church service for a funeral is very somber, but the party afterwards is an absolute blast. The whole village goes and parties literally all night, eating things they almost never eat (like meat) and drinking things they almost never drink (beer/wine/spirits instead of palm wine).

DISCLAIMER: I've only spent extensive time in two countries, I'm sure the traditions in Chad aren't exact mirrors of those in Mozambique.

Pigeon

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #56 on: March 30, 2015, 06:42:34 PM »
If we didn't have weddings, there would only be funerals. That's my perspective. Gotta have some joyful celebratory gatherings in there.

Now as for tradition and expense... everyone is different.

Ha! In my time in Sub-Saharan Africa I've learned that the actual church service for a funeral is very somber, but the party afterwards is an absolute blast. The whole village goes and parties literally all night, eating things they almost never eat (like meat) and drinking things they almost never drink (beer/wine/spirits instead of palm wine).

DISCLAIMER: I've only spent extensive time in two countries, I'm sure the traditions in Chad aren't exact mirrors of those in Mozambique.
Not much different than my Irish Catholic tribe. The mumbo jumbo sucks, but the after party is awesome.

wordnerd

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #57 on: March 30, 2015, 07:46:34 PM »
I found meaning in some wedding traditions (e.g., exchanging rings, bringing together our families, first dance), but ditched many. Much of what is billed as wedding tradition is just expensive hoopla that you "have to do." Diamonds are a prime example. I chose a simple band for my engagement ring/wedding band, and people couldn't understand why I didn't have a diamond.



LiveLean

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #58 on: March 30, 2015, 10:03:53 PM »
I always thought Forrest Gump did it right. Here was a multimillionaire who knew lots of famous people and yet he just had a small gathering of his closest friends in his beautiful backyard along the lake. Bride was barefoot and beautiful.

mbl

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #59 on: March 31, 2015, 07:14:25 AM »

I've done a bit of research this morning and I'm not alone in thinking this. What are your thoughts?

My friend and I were talking about this recently. Mostly in light of very few marriages of our friends lasting more than 5yrs.

We both agreed we were having a hard time taking the ceremonies seriously.

I rarely go to weddings any more. I figure I'll catch the next one those people have.

When I met my SO and she told me she had been married and divorced my comment was "...good...so you've got that BS out of your system?"

I'll never get married.

-- Vik

You made a very good point.    I've been to many weddings and am always aggrieved to hear of those that divorce.  I always think back to their wedding day and wonder what they were thinking. 

Everyone has their personal opinion here on traditions, weddings, etc.

Mine, over 30 years ag, was a big traditional bash at one of the old hotel ballrooms.
My parents(could comfortably afford it) paid for most of it and DH and I paid for the rest.   
We were 26 at the time and just starting out.
It was absolutely  the best time.
I'll never regret doing it the way we did.   
But, we also have a great capacity for joy as does our family and friends.

And that is the point, for each of us, we need to follow our hearts and do what is best for us.
I never apologize or feel the need to justify my personal choices as I hope those reading this would consider.


HazelStone

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #60 on: March 31, 2015, 07:32:28 AM »

What really raises my hackles is when parents expect their kids to do a "traditional" wedding with all the expensive stuff, but won't kick in any financial help toward it. Many of the traditions stem from the bride going directly from her parents' home to her husband's without being on her own/having an outside job between. It was her first time in setting up a household and all the presents made sense for that.

Nowadays staying at "home" during early adulthood is not an option for most of us. Many of my friends/acquaintances had student loans because their parents didn't bother saving meaningful amounts toward college. Then those same parents were lobbying for the large wedding without helping out on the cost. Um, no and HELL no.

My parents are very conservative/traditional. They had all the "modern" expectations for me, though, including setting out on my own when the job market was still crap and my wages were still crap. Fine. Their perogative. But then when the time came, they wanted to see the large, traditional wedding. Well, gee, since I couldn't live at home and save up for setting up a household, where does the money come from? You've really lost any right to be paternalistic/authoritarian once you've thrown your kid out of the house. You can't claim the traditional "obligations" if you haven't supplied the traditional "support."

I think no one considers ALL the wedding traditions of their cultural background to be all meaningful. Just do what makes sense for/has meaning to you and your spouse-to-be.

I was a business major, and one of my marketing profs tied one of our case studies to Valentine's Day. Reading the history of the DeBeers cartel was due for the class meeting after Valentine's Day. There were all these guys who'd proposed to their girlfriends and hadn't kept current on their homework. >:-D

I went to my first wedding yesterday evening/night and all that I could think the whole time was how ridiculous the whole thing was.

The traditions of asking fathers permission, rings, walking down the aisle, cutting cake, speeches, first dance, etc.

I know people were having a great time but the whole time I couldn't help but stop and think how silly all these traditions are. Most people never question them or know the origins of them (diamond engagement rings, white dresses, etc).

It's really put me off ever getting married in this type of setting, if at all.

I've done a bit of research this morning and I'm not alone in thinking this. What are your thoughts?

midweststache

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #61 on: March 31, 2015, 07:49:18 AM »
FWIW I didn't read all the comments.

I'm getting married in April. JOP wedding with only immediate family in attendance, followed by a boozy brunch at a local brewpub with a few very close friends. No religion in the ceremony, which should take about 5 minutes. Just us declaring in front of our families our intentions to spend the rest of our lives together, and signing the relevant paperwork.

We are having a big party in our hometown to celebrate with family and friends later this year. NOT a reception. Think Midwestern BBQ. No dancing, no cake cutting, no traditional pinnings of any kind. About 90 people, because the BF has a big, really close family.

We planned all of this before we told our parents we were getting married, to make sure we didn't get suckered into any things we were "expected" to do. BF was very active in the planning process, because we're partners... and also because we both didn't want much at all, so planning was easy. Saved us from having: bridal shower(s)/engagement party/bachelor(ette) parties/formal wedding dress/flowers.

The traditions we ARE participating in are:
1) rings (daily reminders of our love and commitment; mine is a family ring, BF's is from Amazon FTW)
2) rehearsal dinner (to spend time with JUST our families)
3) (very, very tiny) registry (because in both our families, older people consider it uncouth not to bring a gift, and we'd rather get things we want [bath towels, new lidded trashcan, not plastic measuring cups] than crap we don't need; we have maybe 15 things on our registry, including two charities; we've also emphasized numerous times that gifts are certainly not expected that that our family and friends' presence is present enough).
4) Photos (friend who is breaking into the biz, so we're getting them on the über discount)

We're also paying for EVERYTHING.

Our parents were just glad they're getting to witness the wedding; I think both sets just expected us to call one day and say, "Oh, not a whole lot new here... oh yeah, we went down to the courthouse and made it legal the other day..."

libertarian4321

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #62 on: March 31, 2015, 08:03:34 AM »
I always wondered why people couldn't skip all the "walk down the aisle and make some ridiculous vows that everyone in the audience knows you likely won't obey" nonsense and just go straight to the party afterward.

A keg, some munchies, and some music is all you need. 

That doesn't cost $20,000 (or whatever the average wedding costs now).

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #63 on: March 31, 2015, 08:25:42 AM »
I always wondered why people couldn't skip all the "walk down the aisle and make some ridiculous vows that everyone in the audience knows you likely won't obey" nonsense and just go straight to the party afterward.

A keg, some munchies, and some music is all you need. 

That doesn't cost $20,000 (or whatever the average wedding costs now).

Likely? Come on man, infidelity and divorce are real phenomena, but I wouldn't use that kind of language to describe wedding vows.

forummm

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #64 on: March 31, 2015, 10:53:47 AM »
Yes, pretty much the whole thing is ridiculous. Especially the "traditions" that have started only recently due to marketing. Weddings used to be small, possibly close friends and family, at the church or courthouse, with a possible reception at a parent's house with a potluck. The whole diamond ring "tradition" is made up by DeBeers. All the expensive dresses, color coordination, catering, fancy venues, etc, are all made "traditions" by marketing and peer pressure.

The holdover traditions from when a woman was property are goofy too.

I'm glad DW and I see things similarly and we were able to have a really nice wedding the way we wanted it and it was still affordable and didn't stress us out too much and we had a really nice time and had the family around that we wanted.

I agree with most of what you say, but not the "small" part. In large parts of the world, weddings used to be big parties, often for 3 days and nights. My cousin had one of those, where he and his intended invited the entire island. I think they were 3-400 people. But the mind set was completely different, where instead of gifts they got food and stuff for the celebration.

Yes, I didn't intend mean all weddings were always just a few people. Mostly I meant not the big extravaganzas they are now. Smaller cost and planning, etc.

jeromedawg

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #65 on: March 31, 2015, 11:27:19 AM »
I think, at the end of the day, if it came down to being sensible with finances and it was just the two of us without the cultural 'influence' of our parents (as well as the fact that they paid for a lot of it), we would have scaled back enormously. Ours was a pretty large event and we actually had *two* events (one banquet put on by her parents and the standard one was split with my parents). Thinking back, it was a lot of money and way more than necessary. But to appease our parents and their desires (which is huge in Chinese culture and tradition), we sort of just had to go along for the ride. I know most of you won't understand this and would probably want to *facepunch* anyone for saying that, but it is what it is. At the time, finances weren't as worrisome because of the fact that our parents wanted to pay for a lot of it (because they were basically inviting a lot of their friends and also had some preferences too). If they were insistent on us paying for it all though, I think it would be a very different story (I know some people whose parents were very insistent on certain things but couldn't or wouldn't help pay for it... sucks and could be a major source of drama). My wife definitely had a grander idea of what a wedding should be like. And a lot of our friends definitely put down a good amount of money on their weddings (which I think affected us) but I think we would have scaled down and not invited all the people we did invite as they're not really that close of friends... you know what they say: hindsight is 20/20 :)


lifejoy

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #66 on: March 31, 2015, 11:48:33 AM »
Nothing more ridiculous than funerals. Dressing up a dead body, and dumping copious amounts of make-up on their face. Then everyone stands around and comments "They look wonderful", while staring at a dead body.

That's seriously messed up. And expensive, too. Just like weddings.

The point of funerals is closure for the family.  It's not about you, it's about the loved ones who need to start moving on.  When emotion overwhelms logic, you sometimes need to see a cold, dead relative to bring a little rational thinking into the equation.

Similar idea with weddings:

Bachelor/bachelorette party - breaks the ice for the attendants who may not know each other very well
Brunch and/or rehearsal dinner - breaks the ice for the immediate families
Ceremony - pretty much all about the couple and the families ratifying the bond
Reception - family bonding/blending, opportunity to meet most of your new extended family for the first time, and community building
(Also, what better first impression than the day you look your most beautiful/handsome and happy?)

Only one of these traditions is solely about the couple.  The rest are about the friends and family.

Now none of the above needs to be extravagant in any way.  Do your thing.  However, I find it rather silly to waste the opportunity to bring folks together when modern living has the tendency to be isolating.

+1!

One year I went to far too many funerals, and it was such a relief and joy to attend a wedding! Same group of people, but such a festive and joyful atmosphere :) I think it's so important to celebrate in life, because no one seems to be able to avoid the bad stuff - might as well throw some good in there. As for tradition, I think if people are doing traditional things because they WANT to, and not because they feel they HAVE to, then that's fine! Don't break the bank, and have a good time.

galliver

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #67 on: March 31, 2015, 02:19:33 PM »
Does anyone else think that the greater dispersion of families/friends in recent times might contribute to the "fancification" so to speak of weddings? Perhaps when you want people from 5 states and 3 countries present for your celebration, there's more pressure to make it "worth their while." A backyard bbq may seem a bit lackluster. And then it propagates to everyone else, I presume?

Of course, we can debate all day the worth of *any* celebrations. It ultimately comes down to personal taste/values/preferences.

lifejoy

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #68 on: March 31, 2015, 08:32:11 PM »

Does anyone else think that the greater dispersion of families/friends in recent times might contribute to the "fancification" so to speak of weddings? Perhaps when you want people from 5 states and 3 countries present for your celebration, there's more pressure to make it "worth their while." A backyard bbq may seem a bit lackluster. And then it propagates to everyone else, I presume?

Of course, we can debate all day the worth of *any* celebrations. It ultimately comes down to personal taste/values/preferences.

Definitely. When my friends spent $1000+ to attend my small and humble wedding (distances couldn't be helped) - it definitely made me all the more willing to show them a good time!!!

pbkmaine

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Re: Do you think Weddning Traditions are Ridiculous
« Reply #69 on: March 31, 2015, 09:30:16 PM »
Yes. I have always found wedding traditions to be absurd and designed for the purpose of separating people from their money.There were 13 people at my first. I wore a white skirted suit. There were 8 people at my second. Everyone wore blue jeans. The nicest semi-fancy wedding I ever went to was in a backyard by a stream near Mt. Hood, OR. The bride and groom were married under an arbor. There was punch and beer and a buffet dinner. Table decorations were wildflowers in mason jars. it was lovely and calm and fun and everyone had a good time.


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