Post nuptial agreement?

[Illini1]

I was wondering if anyone has any experience or thoughts on getting a post nuptial agreement? My wife is open to the idea and I think that it would really help us both by sorting out our differences especially when it comes to our vastly different beliefs in all things financial.  As of today I think that if something doesn't change we will be headed for a divorce. Neither of us wants that to happen especially for the sake of our 3 year old son.

If you need more specifics please see the below link from a previous post.

http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/ask-a-mustachian/help-with-a-unmustachian-wife/

[cynthia1848]

It really depends on your state law.  You need to go see a divorce/family law attorney and they will advise you re: whether post-nups are enforceable in your state.  Some kind of mediation with a focus on finances might be the next step if a post-nup isn't enforceable in your state.

[Hugerat]

Good god man! I remember reading your original post several months ago and couldn't possibly imagine that such an unhappy arrangement would work. Even in your original post you kept talking about "my" life instead of "our" life. You spoke of your wife the way I would a total stranger. The whole point of marriage is that you get to where you're going together. One person doesn't horde all of the resources for himself and leave the other to fend for herself, especially when it appears, by your own admission, that many of her problems are due to a mental illness. This was actually one of your quotes in the previous post: "How do I help someone who doesn't want to help themselves?" That's your WIFE, man!

I understand you have a child in this very unfortunate marriage, and divorce is always difficult for children. But at this point your primary concern needs to be figuring out whether staying in this marriage is the best thing for your child, not finding ways to cut off your wife who is suffering from mental health issues. You don't need dispassionate legal advise about a sleazy post-nup. You need to grow up and do the right thing by your child and the person you used to think of as your wife.

[caliq]

Good god man! I remember reading your original post several months ago and couldn't possibly imagine that such an unhappy arrangement would work. Even in your original post you kept talking about "my" life instead of "our" life. You spoke of your wife the way I would a total stranger. The whole point of marriage is that you get to where you're going together. One person doesn't horde all of the resources for himself and leave the other to fend for herself, especially when it appears, by your own admission, that many of her problems are due to a mental illness. This was actually one of your quotes in the previous post: "How do I help someone who doesn't want to help themselves?" That's your WIFE, man!

I understand you have a child in this very unfortunate marriage, and divorce is always difficult for children. But at this point your primary concern needs to be figuring out whether staying in this marriage is the best thing for your child, not finding ways to cut off your wife who is suffering from mental health issues. You don't need dispassionate legal advise about a sleazy post-nup. You need to grow up and do the right thing by your child and the person you used to think of as your wife.

+1

How are you going to cut your wife off if she is a SAHM?  The entire idea seems grossly unfair and like you're taking advantage of her mental health issues in order to prepare for divorce...


Edit: Whether or not my impression of the situation is valid, a divorce court judge might interpret things the same way and throw whatever your wife agrees to out the window.  I'm not a lawyer but it sounds like something that could happen.

[AJ]

I missed the other thread the first time around, but just spent the last couple of hours reading through it. That's a really rough situation to be wading through.

There was a lot of good advice other there, mostly about finding counseling. Your last update said you were going to do that, but if you're saying that you think getting a post-nup will "...really help us both by sorting out our differences..." I'm guessing you never did. That is literally the purpose of counseling - to sort out your differences. Lawyers don't specialize in that.

I have personally seen a mediocre counselor and an excellent one - having a good one makes all the difference. If you are serious about working things out for the sake of your child, there really is no excuse not to seek assistance. Therapy is so much cheaper than divorce anyway, plus child support and alimony. Even from a purely selfish perspective, it is a Mustachian investment in your future.

[MsPeacock]

Given the situation a post-nup just sounds like writing a divorce settlement. I don't see how it is going to help unless you plan to divorce - and then you are just going to have to negotiate everything anyhow. If your goal is to resolve differences and keep your marriage, then your time and effort would be better spent on counseling. If you want to show your wife that you are "serious" about divorce or changing her behavior or whatever, I don't think a post-nup will help you any more than a frank discussion and saying something like "Unless X and Y change then I will divorce you."

[justjenn]

Given the situation a post-nup just sounds like writing a divorce settlement. I don't see how it is going to help unless you plan to divorce - and then you are just going to have to negotiate everything anyhow. If your goal is to resolve differences and keep your marriage, then your time and effort would be better spent on counseling. If you want to show your wife that you are "serious" about divorce or changing her behavior or whatever, I don't think a post-nup will help you any more than a frank discussion and saying something like "Unless X and Y change then I will divorce you."

+1

I worked at a family law firm for about 5 years, and every couple who came in for a post-nup was back a few months later for a divorce. I agree that if you want to salvage the marriage you should go to counseling instead.

If you want to continue with the post-nup, my advice would be to have her get her own lawyer as well. If you both use the same attorney, she could always claim that she signed under duress, especially considering she is completely reliant on your income and she has mental health issues. Then the post-nup would have been a complete waste of money, because you will wind up having to argue the validity of the agreement in court anyway.