Hello Drew, and welcome to the forums :-)
I'll begin by echoing what a few others said and suggest that we can be of even more help if you posted a complete case study.
Now, to respond to your first post, I'm going to challange a few of your inherent (perhaps even subconscious) reasoning and see if we can find a better, happier future for you and your family. Let's start with your 4-wheeled transportation.
As I see it, you have two core issues here.
The first is how to go places as a family when there are currently 3 car seats to deal with and three legacy vehicles, and
The second issue is your current lifestyle which requires a massive commute for both you and your wife.
Regarding the cars - the best thing about vehicles is that you can always sell what you have any buy what you need. In your case, you really need to sell ALL THREE cars and purchase two that make sense for your current lives. The Yukon is no good because it is a gas hog and you have anxiety about its reliability. The golf is not ideal because your wife refuses to drive a 5-speed manual, so it won't work for you as a couple, and the CC just isn't useful for anyone that has 4 children. Ignore the fact that you are underwater - it's a 'sunk-cost' and you thankfully have the income to suck-up to your past mistakes.
There's a lot of info on this forum about optimal cars for families with small children - a Mazda 5 (for example) could seat your entire family and gets almost double the MPG of your Yukon. There are other choices as well.
now on to the dual-decision of commuting and your housing situation. Where you live and how far you drive and so intertwined that we must consider them together. You asked "Are there any lifelong MMM renters? " - and the answer is: "Yes, lots". In fact, most people realize that owning a home is a poor investment, and many people are much, much better off renting as opposed to buying. You are driving 45 miles each way, every day, and I can only pray that you are commuting to work together (although it sounds like you are not). Because of your step daughter you understandably don't want to move closer to work because that would lengthen your commute. You say your wife could work from anywhere, but she likes her current company.
I had an old boss that liked to say once you detect a problem you have three choices; ignore it, change it or get rid of it. You are collectively driving 60k miles per year - way, way above the national average. If we look at the
'true cost of commuting' you and your wife could be spending
~$71k per year on commuting costs. That seems like a 'hair on fire' kind of emergency that I, personally, could not ignore. With $15k/year daycare costs and just one person's commuting costs, one of you could quit work entirely and you'd have more money, not less.
There are a few options here to you.
option 1) One of you quit work entirely and become a SAHP. Pros: save $15k in childcare and tens-of-thousands in commuting cost and time, which woudl offset the loss of income. Cons: One of you needs to make that change
option 2) Move at least 30 miles closer to work.. Pros: it cuts out the bulk of both of your commutes, saving you both thousands per year. You'll have an extra hour+ of time per day since you won't be commuting as long. Cons: The trip for your step-daughter will go up a similar amount, but the math heavily favors this since you make up to 5 round-trips towards your jobs every week and just 1 round-trip for your step daughter. You are worried about the school systems and crime in certain areas... but I'd do an exhaustive search for suitable locations close to work before I'd give up on this option.
option 3) One or Both of you get new jobs close to work. I suspect that you've become a victim to the comfort of having a job and haven't explored this very heavily. You are in your early 30s now, and this kind of lifestyle will kill you in every way imaginable if you try to keep it up for another two decades--- socially, physically, mentally.
I realize your job with your state government might not be possible in most locations, but the good news is that there are OTHER jobs available in other sectors. Your best play here is to move closer to your step daughter to a town where both of you can find employment. Imagine what it would be like living less than an hour from your daughter and less than 10 minutes from your job. Heck - maybe you could live in the same town!
What's important is to kill both of your commutes. If you and your wife both didn't have to drive 60k combined miles it could fundamentally change your life. A quick guestimate shows your wife is spending about 15 hours every week just inside her car. Because of what you'd save on commuting time and costs, you both coudl take jobs that paid considerably less and wind up with more time and more money in the end.
a 40% pension for working an additional 23 years is, IMO, absolutely not a reason to stay at your current job. I could show you how you could retire within 20 years without needing any pension at all - but it all starts with ending this ridiculous car commute that both you and your wife feel locked into. You stated in your OP that "I'm not leaving my job" but from what you described it's either your life or your job. Currently both you and your wife have chosen your jobs at the expense of your life.