Please help! Work from home situation and mental health

[jennifers]

I need some help with how to ask my supervisor to allow me to work from home.

Background info:
I've had my dog for 8 years and he's never had any problems staying home alone until a few weeks ago. He would just sleep all day. Now he's literally fucking losing it and peeing all over the house and running around panting and barking ALL day. No idea why this started happening but it's really bad.

I cannot take my dog to Doggy Daycare because he has bitten people in the past and has severe food aggression. (He's a tiny rescue dog who came from a terrible situation.)

I need to work from home mostly because I'm crying for hours every day about this. It's giving me super bad anxiety and makes it impossible to leave the house for any sort of social activities in the evening/weekends because I know how he'll act while I'm gone and I already feel guilty for being at work all day. I'm also having some very dark thoughts because I feel stuck in this situation with no way out.

I can afford to quit my job and be unemployed for a while. However I took 8 months off between jobs last year so it looks kinda bad being unemployed again. (I work in tech so the job market isn't great. I honestly don't think I have the mental health to look for another job right now either.)

I've only been at my job for 7 months.

It's pointless to work in the office because I almost never talk to another human being while here and if I do it's almost never work related. (I also have almost no work to do and a 45 min bus commute each way.)

I've already used a bunch of sick days while at this job (mental health and I had pinkeye.)

I work in a public university science department where all the scientists have to be at work in the lab every day. There's no precedent for anyone working from home. My supervisor is a research professor and also runs two other science facilities on campus. I've only met w/ her once in 7 months and her office is in another building.

I am diagnosed with bipolar but didn't disclose that on the hiring application. I know this is a disability and I can request "reasonable" accommodations. I am not sure how much of a problem it is that I didn't disclose this on my application.

Overall this is a cool low-stress job. The pay is a lot less than my previous job which does bother me and makes saving money a lot more difficult. If I was maxing out my 403b and IRA right now I would barely break even some months.

Questions:
How do you all suggest I go about asking my supervisor about this? Am I being a dumbass? How much should I disclose to her about my reasons for wanting to work from home? Should I try to get a note from my psychiatrist first? Should I contact the university disability office first? Should I tell her I'm going to look for another job if she says no? I'm afraid my supervisor will say no and then it will create bad blood when I take another route.

[Zamboni]

Did they tell you that you can't work from home? I'm sure there are plenty of staff who work from home at your institution.

Since you have so little in person interaction in the office, will they even notice that you are not there? Or is there someone near you who is a clock watcher?

Because my suggestion would be to go the ask for forgiveness, not permission route on this one.

[Cranky]

Well, first of all, what does the vet say? Have you been referred to a behavioral specialist? Tried medication (for the dog?) I’d get that process going first of all.

Then I guess you should do multiple things at once - talk to your therapist, talk to the disability office, and talk to your supervisor. I don’t think you need to decide to work at home forever, because it should be possible to get the dog’s issues under control.

[Paper Chaser]

Have you taken the dog to the vet to be checked out? Animals don't usually spontaneously change behavior for no reason. There could be a medical reason why this change occurred. If not medical, the vet could also have ideas and resources for addressing behavioral issues.

[reeshau]

+1 to ask the vet about this.  And maybe a dog trainer.  The root cause is the dog's behavior; and it hasn't been a constant--it changed.  This happens, and professionals can help you work it out.

In the context of that, asking to work remotely for a time while you work out issues with you dog, with x and y professional, is a much smaller ask.  And if you like it, and it doesn't impact your work, you could build on that.

[jennifers]

I made my dog a vet appointment for this afternoon. I've worked with a few trainers in the past for his other issues but they've never been helpful. I've also had about 40 foster dogs and have read extensively about separation anxiety - it isn't an easy or quick thing to fix. I will for sure work on it. My office is next to the other computer person and he would definitely say something if I wasn't there even though we mostly communicate through MS Teams.

[ixtap]

When my niece's dog started acting like this, it was because there was something wrong with the house. Take a good look around for mold, leaks (ie, has your water bill gone up?), and other issues.

[LongtimeLurker]

Yeah, something has spooked the dog. My dog is normally perfectly happy at home, but if a thunderstorm rolls through he will lose it and start destroying things. He ripped up carpet, knocked over the garbage can, pulls dishes out of the sink... crazy stuff for a dog that is normally calm. Do you have a camera or something to watch the dog? Basically, how do you know the dog is doing this all day?

Has there been construction going on recently? New neighbors? New neighborhood dog?

Have you tried stuff like leaving the TV on, or taking the dog for a long walk before you leave, etc...? Neighbor who could watch the dog during the day?

As far as the work situation, a calm, rational conversation with your supervisor would be the first step. No threats, crying, etc... Just... "Hi, I wanted to talk for a minute. I have a rescue dog at home who is having severe separation anxiety when I am at work. Is it possible for me to work from home full time while I figure out what it going on?"

And go from there. If the boss says no, or seems unsympathetic, then you can move to next steps. But there is no use dreaming up worst cases until you know the best case is not possible. Nevertheless, figuring out what is going on with the dog will solve the problem long term.

[FLBiker]

As far as the work situation, a calm, rational conversation with your supervisor would be the first step. No threats, crying, etc... Just... "Hi, I wanted to talk for a minute. I have a rescue dog at home who is having severe separation anxiety when I am at work. Is it possible for me to work from home full time while I figure out what it going on?"

I agree with this approach.  What you're asking for sounds reasonable (in the sense that you can continue to do the tasks required of you from home) so there's no reason to assume folks will object.  At the same time, folks reject reasonable requests all the time.  And, personally, I totally support being open and honest about what's going on.  Some folks are more private, but I would just share what's going on.

[former player]

Your problem is the dog, not your job.  It's not clear to me whether this is a short-term or long-term problem.  But the immediate fixes that you need are for you not to be crying for hours every day, for you to be able to keep your job, and for the dog to be safe and not damaging your house.

So, looking at immediate practical solutions for the dog, is using a crate a possibility?  A small dog in a decent sized crate should be OK while you are at work.  If you have a garden, is the dog happier out there than in the house?  The peeing is a big problem: are dog nappies a possibility?

For a more permanent solution the vet and/or a dog behaviourist are a good starting point if the problem is centred in the dog, and I like ixtap and LongtimeLurker's suggestions of checking the house and neighbourhood if the problem is centered outside of the dog.  The other variable is you - are there any new potential issues with your health?  Even if not, can you see a medical provider about your anxiety?  (Although I would prefer that as a first fix it's the vet that gives the anti-anxiety medication to the dog: the dog is the problem here, rather than you or your reaction to the dog's problem.)

I'm going to end by saying something that you probably won't like, but I hope you consider.  Your dog has had 8 good years with you, after having had a life before that.  That means that in dog terms he is getting old.  His quality of life right now is so poor that if after investigating all the possible causes you can't find a solution that makes him happy again it might be the time to start considering having him put to sleep.

[InterfaceLeader]

If it was me, I would organise a 1-2-1 and say something like

"Hi, I'm having some issues with my dog's behaviour and would like to work from home for a few weeks whilst I figure out a solution. What's the policy on requests to work from home -- is there a formal process I need to follow?"

I would also second getting your dog to a vet ASAP.

I would not discuss being bipolar unless this impacts your ability to do your job *outside* of the situation with your dog.

[tygertygertyger]

Did these issues start at the same time you started your new job? Is that why you mentioned separation anxiety?

You mentioned quitting a previous job and being unemployed for some time, and then starting a new job, so I wonder if that's the issue.

If so, then your concern about separation anxiety makes sense! I imagine your dog was very pleased to have you home all the time, and it would be troubling that you were gone again. If I'm misinterpreting the timeline, then please ignore what I'm saying.

I hope your vet is able to provide you with some good options, which may include medication for your dog as you also work on behavioral issues.

I would not consider putting the dog down until you've investigated further with your vet and a behavioral specialist. I would ask your vet specifically for referrals to a behavioral specialist. I would be wary of any Joe Schmoe trainer who can handle basic obedience only.

Please keep us updated - wishing the best for you and your dog.

 

[GuitarStv]

I'll echo the comments to check for medical problem with the dog.  If you're in the same house, doing roughly the same thing then something has changed that's triggering the behaviour.  Dogs can be very odd about how they present distress from pain, and this is an older dog with a rough past.  It's also possible that the dog is losing his/her mind a bit (8 years old isn't ancient, but depending on breed it's getting older).

Very strongly recommend vet visits.

[Laura33]

Good luck with the vet visit -- that's clearly the place to start.

Please also visit your own therapist.  Crying for hours every day, and anxiety so bad you feel you can't come in to work, is a disproportionate response to your dog going through a rough patch.  Sounds like an excellent time for a checkup -- after all, you need to take care of yourself at least as well as you take care of your dog.

Hugs and good luck.

[Shuchong]

Good luck with the vet visit -- that's clearly the place to start.

Please also visit your own therapist.  Crying for hours every day, and anxiety so bad you feel you can't come in to work, is a disproportionate response to your dog going through a rough patch.  Sounds like an excellent time for a checkup -- after all, you need to take care of yourself at least as well as you take care of your dog.

Hugs and good luck.

Completely agree.  There are two issues here: the dog, and the crying for hours in reaction to the dog.

1.  The Dog.  Echoing comments that a vet visit is in order. 

Also, long story that might be helpful to you.  I got a 5 year-old pound dog about a year ago.  She had bad separation anxiety and it basically ran my life for a while.  It was rough.  She's also reactive (both to dogs and people) so daycare wasn't an option.  You have my sympathies.  It's so hard to feel trapped by your pet.  I was working from home, and don't know what I would have done if I weren't. 

I ended up following the method outlined in Julie Naismith's book Be Right Back (I listened to it for free using an Audible trial, and she also has a free Facebook group with some good info).  Basically, I left the house for tiny periods of time, sans the normal "departure cues" like picking up keys, putting on a coat, starting the car, etc., and worked up to longer absences.  I set up a camera situation (I would do a Facetime link between my iphone and ipad, and set the ipad where I could see her) to monitor her and make sure I returned immediately if she started to panic.  And I set up a spreadsheet to track variables: length of absence, time of day, her reactions while I was gone, whether I had left a podcast on or not, etc.  Once she could go for 40 minutes on her own, I introduced more departure cues, including driving away in the car.    I also explained the issue to the vet, and got her a Prozac prescription.  I took her in the car with me whenever I could since she seemed to do better in the car (obviously this is weather dependent).   It took a while, and progress was not linear (yes, my spreadsheet did include a graph with a trendline), but she did get better, and my life is much better now too.   

2. You.  Since you have bipolar disorder and are crying for hours every day, a doctor visit also seems in order.  I think it would be completely fair to describe the issue and your mental state to a doctor, and see if you could get a remote work accommodation at least temporarily, because of your mental health. 

[GilesMM]

I'm with you on the vet - they are unlikely to come up with much.  But I guess you never know.


How about just taking the dog to work?  Let him sleep under your desk. If anyone asks, he is a psychiatric service dog trained by you to keep you calm (by being with you instead of home peeing on your persian carpets).

[Sibley]

I'm with you on the vet - they are unlikely to come up with much.  But I guess you never know.


How about just taking the dog to work?  Let him sleep under your desk. If anyone asks, he is a psychiatric service dog trained by you to keep you calm (by being with you instead of home peeing on your persian carpets).

Um, how about not? Lying about a dog being a service dog causes all sorts of problems for people who actually have service dogs.

Seriously, were you always like this and I just missed it? Because you, GilesMM, are showing colors which are not pretty at all.

[NorthernIkigai]

It’ll also cause problems to OP professionally when it turns out the dog is indeed not a service dog and she lied at work.

[former player]

The dog's got a bite history and the proposal is to take him into an office full of strangers who won't be respecting his space.

Madness.

[GilesMM]

I'm with you on the vet - they are unlikely to come up with much.  But I guess you never know.


How about just taking the dog to work?  Let him sleep under your desk. If anyone asks, he is a psychiatric service dog trained by you to keep you calm (by being with you instead of home peeing on your persian carpets).

Um, how about not? Lying about a dog being a service dog causes all sorts of problems for people who actually have service dogs.

Seriously, were you always like this and I just missed it? Because you, GilesMM, are showing colors which are not pretty at all.

It's not lying if the dog provides mental comfort to the owner, which is clearly the case here. If you read the rules, the dog should be well mannered, but can be trained for any service by the owner.  It would be lying if the owner had some reason other than mental health for bringing the dog.

[GuitarStv]

I'm with you on the vet - they are unlikely to come up with much.  But I guess you never know.


How about just taking the dog to work?  Let him sleep under your desk. If anyone asks, he is a psychiatric service dog trained by you to keep you calm (by being with you instead of home peeing on your persian carpets).

Um, how about not? Lying about a dog being a service dog causes all sorts of problems for people who actually have service dogs.

Seriously, were you always like this and I just missed it? Because you, GilesMM, are showing colors which are not pretty at all.

It's not lying if the dog provides mental comfort to the owner, which is clearly the case here. If you read the rules, the dog should be well mannered, but can be trained for any service by the owner.  It would be lying if the owner had some reason other than mental health for bringing the dog.

Service animals are trained from puppyhood in specialized programs related to the task that they're assigned.  These programs have a high failure rate because they're very exacting in how they require a dog to behave both to provide the service, and in obedience (to deal with the myriad of different situations they find themselves in with a person every day).  It's extremely unlikely that a random stray with emotional problems will ever be able to achieve the level of obedience that is required as a bare minimum for a working service dog.  Just up and deciding one day that your pet is a service animal is certainly lying, and very likely to result in people seeing 'service dogs' as untrained/misbehaved.

Pretending that a pet is a service animal is no different than pretending to be disabled to park closer to the door of a mall.  It's a pretty disgusting thing to do or suggest.

[NotJen]

I'm with you on the vet - they are unlikely to come up with much.  But I guess you never know.


How about just taking the dog to work?  Let him sleep under your desk. If anyone asks, he is a psychiatric service dog trained by you to keep you calm (by being with you instead of home peeing on your persian carpets).

Um, how about not? Lying about a dog being a service dog causes all sorts of problems for people who actually have service dogs.

Seriously, were you always like this and I just missed it? Because you, GilesMM, are showing colors which are not pretty at all.

It's not lying if the dog provides mental comfort to the owner, which is clearly the case here. If you read the rules, the dog should be well mannered, but can be trained for any service by the owner.  It would be lying if the owner had some reason other than mental health for bringing the dog.

Did you miss the part where the dog bites people?

Just because an animal is a mental comfort, does not make it a service dog.  It could be an emotional support animal, but your workplace would have to specifically allow those, and you would probably need a prescription for one (OP sounds like a candidate for this, but I have no idea if these are easy to get).  Still, this specific dog does not sound like a candidate.

To be a service animal, it must be trained to do specific, physical, tasks.  This training is measured in years.  It is very obvious when a "service dog" has not been trained as such.  I have ignored many "service dogs" in public spaces I was in control of because I wasn't paid enough to enforce, but having a "service dog" in the workplace would probably not fly.

Just up and deciding one day that your pet is a service animal is certainly lying, and very likely to result in people seeing 'service dogs' as untrained/misbehaved.

For me, it just underlines how many people are selfish liars.  When I see an actual service dog, it's like a freaking miracle and I am very impressed.

[ixtap]

I'm with you on the vet - they are unlikely to come up with much.  But I guess you never know.


How about just taking the dog to work?  Let him sleep under your desk. If anyone asks, he is a psychiatric service dog trained by you to keep you calm (by being with you instead of home peeing on your persian carpets).

You are conflating service, animals, and emotional support animals. Not the same thing.
Um, how about not? Lying about a dog being a service dog causes all sorts of problems for people who actually have service dogs.

Seriously, were you always like this and I just missed it? Because you, GilesMM, are showing colors which are not pretty at all.

It's not lying if the dog provides mental comfort to the owner, which is clearly the case here. If you read the rules, the dog should be well mannered, but can be trained for any service by the owner.  It would be lying if the owner had some reason other than mental health for bringing the dog.

Even an emotional support dog needs to meet certain standards, which would include not biting people. If OP lies about this and there is any kind of incident they will likely lose their job and may be held liable. Self declaring an emotional support animal undermines the very real work that has gone into figuring out a safe system to support folks.

[cannotWAIT]

Did you recently install any smart plugs? They have been known to produce this effect. Or could a neighbor have installed an ultrasonic bark deterrent?

About your job, first of all, what you need to know is that public universities have been bleeding staff who are leaving for better-paying positions on the one hand and similarly crap-paying but WFH positions on the other. They can't even get together a decent applicant pool for most positions. If you work in tech you're in an even stronger position. Just have a normal conversation about it, explain it like you did to us, and ask for a month or two to deal with it. If they say no, then you do still have the option of seeking an ADA accommodation on mental health grounds.

[Cranky]

I'm with you on the vet - they are unlikely to come up with much.  But I guess you never know.


How about just taking the dog to work?  Let him sleep under your desk. If anyone asks, he is a psychiatric service dog trained by you to keep you calm (by being with you instead of home peeing on your persian carpets).

You are conflating service, animals, and emotional support animals. Not the same thing.
Um, how about not? Lying about a dog being a service dog causes all sorts of problems for people who actually have service dogs.

Seriously, were you always like this and I just missed it? Because you, GilesMM, are showing colors which are not pretty at all.

It's not lying if the dog provides mental comfort to the owner, which is clearly the case here. If you read the rules, the dog should be well mannered, but can be trained for any service by the owner.  It would be lying if the owner had some reason other than mental health for bringing the dog.

Even an emotional support dog needs to meet certain standards, which would include not biting people. If OP lies about this and there is any kind of incident they will likely lose their job and may be held liable. Self declaring an emotional support animal undermines the very real work that has gone into figuring out a safe system to support folks.

Given the OP’s easily identifiable workplace, the OP could probably get away with it. Given the dog’s history of biting, it’s still a bad idea.