Author Topic: Feeling Really Bad I Didn't Say Anything....  (Read 5302 times)

HairyUpperLip

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Feeling Really Bad I Didn't Say Anything....
« on: September 24, 2014, 08:20:10 AM »
Yesterday I was at the bank making a deposit.

While filling out my deposit slip at the stand an older lady had walked in just before me. Grandma looking type.

She then did this odd little back and forth pace and I asked if she was okay?

She replied that her medicine makes her feel dizzy sometimes so doing a quick walk helps.

I go to the teller and start to do my deposit.

She then comes up to the teller beside and states "I need to withdraw some money to give my neighbor a loan. She's in debt and I'm going to help her."

Now let's stop for a second and say I hate to judge people but it was quite clear this lady had to be 75 or older based on looks. Her health situation is obviously some kind of issue because she did the quick walk thing again while at the teller stand.


I totally felt like this lady was about to be taken advantage of. I really felt like saying something and being a noisy guy and trying to make sure she wasn't about to get played. The tellers didn't seem to give a fuck, honestly.

So I left after that, sat in the car for a couple minutes and debated going back into the bank and talking to her... but honestly, I didn't think it'd be considered very proper and her accent made me think she was a real Southerner. (I'm in Georgia)

Man, I was so fucking conflicted and felt terrible when I did finally drive away... This happened yesterday, so it's obviously still weighing heavily on my mind....

How would you guys have approached the situation? I feel bad about it. :(

LibrarIan

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Re: Feeling Really Bad I Didn't Say Anything....
« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2014, 08:30:29 AM »
Honestly, I probably would not have approached her about it either. She may have reacted kindly to your concern or she might have been offended, especially since she has no idea who you are. Plus, once you're at that age, I would imagine it's harder to help with good money decisions than it is when someone is younger (I base this off absolutely no evidence, merely assumption).

sheepstache

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Re: Feeling Really Bad I Didn't Say Anything....
« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2014, 08:33:05 AM »
I can see why you're concerned but I don't think you had enough to go on to take any action. Personally, I wouldn't want everyone questioning the sanity of everything little thing I did just because I was old and having a minor physical problem.

Alternate way of seeing this: the old lady's got plenty of money and can't shut up about what a do-gooder she is.  Every time she goes into the bank she has to tell the teller her business and boast about it. If it's not the neighbor than it's her church or a charity or something and the teller's tired of hearing about it. She's probably loaning her neighbor like twenty bucks.

HairyUpperLip

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Re: Feeling Really Bad I Didn't Say Anything....
« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2014, 08:48:09 AM »
Honestly, I probably would not have approached her about it either. She may have reacted kindly to your concern or she might have been offended, especially since she has no idea who you are. Plus, once you're at that age, I would imagine it's harder to help with good money decisions than it is when someone is younger (I base this off absolutely no evidence, merely assumption).

Yeah, that was basically one of the thoughts running through my head. How offensive I would be if I was wrong.

I can see why you're concerned but I don't think you had enough to go on to take any action. Personally, I wouldn't want everyone questioning the sanity of everything little thing I did just because I was old and having a minor physical problem.

Alternate way of seeing this: the old lady's got plenty of money and can't shut up about what a do-gooder she is.  Every time she goes into the bank she has to tell the teller her business and boast about it. If it's not the neighbor than it's her church or a charity or something and the teller's tired of hearing about it. She's probably loaning her neighbor like twenty bucks.

I was a teller in a previous life and customers really only share so much information. The lady didn't even know how to fill out the withdrawal slip, so I'm sure she's not a regular. Not arguing you, just adding additional notes I guess. But I agree, I wouldn't want someone to do that to me either...




hoodedfalcon

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Re: Feeling Really Bad I Didn't Say Anything....
« Reply #4 on: September 24, 2014, 09:02:16 AM »
My grandmother is in her 80s, early stages of Alzheimer's. She was being scammed by someone and part of the scam was her going to the local store to buy gift cards to bring back to someone. After a few visits, the cashier noticed and contacted police. I am very thankful for the cashier stepping in. Having said that, I am not sure what I would have  stepped in given the situation you described. It's tough to know what to do.

Iron Mike Sharpe

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Re: Feeling Really Bad I Didn't Say Anything....
« Reply #5 on: September 24, 2014, 11:11:09 AM »
I've got a moral dilemma of my own.

I play poker regularly for fun and for a side income.  A couple of times I have played with an old guy who appeared to be not very good. 

A week or two ago, I played with him again.  First hand at the table it's me, him and another guy.  I end up with a big pot.  Didn't think anything of it.  A few minutes later, I move seats and am sitting next to this older close to this old guy for the first time.  The other times I've been at the other end of the table. 

Anyway, it becomes clear to me that he is suffering from some form of dementia.  He is often confused when the action gets to him.  One hand he flips his cards over after 4th street when there is still one more card to come. 

He loses most of the rest of his money a little while later, but still had $7 left.  He tells another player he will be back, but never comes back.  Like he forgot he still had some money on the table.

I mention this to the other people at the table and they talk about how he used to be a really sharp guy and he's been slipping.  One older woman regular player mentions that he was lost in the buffet earlier and didn't know where he was but his wife eventually found him.  She also mentioned how, earlier in the week, he had either made a bet or called a bet and slid his cards into the pot with his chips.  The dealer looked at him like he was crazy (they can't say anything to influence how a hand is played though) and after a few seconds took his cards and folded them for him.  That woman asked him if he was OK and he said No. 

I'm thinking if people know he has dementia, why are they letting him play?  Damn vultures.  Then again, he apparently likes to play and his wife brings him to the casino several times a week.  I just don't know what to do they next time I get seated at his table. 

shotgunwilly

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Re: Feeling Really Bad I Didn't Say Anything....
« Reply #6 on: September 24, 2014, 01:39:18 PM »
I'm thinking if people know he has dementia, why are they letting him play?  Damn vultures.  Then again, he apparently likes to play and his wife brings him to the casino several times a week.  I just don't know what to do they next time I get seated at his table.

I would feel bad too.  Honestly, the best you can do is ask for a table change.  Otherwise, playing differently against him is going to affect the way you play the whole table and will probably hurt your bottom line.  It's his wife's and relatives responsibility to keep him from a casino if he is not fit.  Of course, they could know this and still allow him to go play (if they have money to throw away), if it makes him happy...

mozar

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Re: Feeling Really Bad I Didn't Say Anything....
« Reply #7 on: September 24, 2014, 04:04:18 PM »
Maybe tell the teller to keep an eye on her?

Dezrah

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Re: Feeling Really Bad I Didn't Say Anything....
« Reply #8 on: September 24, 2014, 04:25:17 PM »
OP, if you knew more about this woman then maybe you might know better whether she's being genuinely generous and can afford to help out someone she cares about or simply a poor, sickly loner who's being scammed.  The truth is probably somewhere between the two.  I don't think you have reason to feel guilty.

For what it's worth, my grandpa was also almost caught up in a phone scam once.  The caller claimed to be "his grandson" who was arrested while on a spontaneous trip to Mexico.  "But don't tell my parents because they don't know I'm here and I don't want to get in trouble.  Just wire me the money for bail. Please. I'm scared."  It wasn't until he reached the bank that the teller began asking him very specific questions about the conversation and made him realize it was all lies.  We were very grateful to the teller for her help.  If you had heard the old woman talk along those lines, then it would be a good thing to step in.

AJ

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Re: Feeling Really Bad I Didn't Say Anything....
« Reply #9 on: September 24, 2014, 04:29:15 PM »
I'm thinking if people know he has dementia, why are they letting him play?  Damn vultures.  Then again, he apparently likes to play and his wife brings him to the casino several times a week.  I just don't know what to do they next time I get seated at his table.

If his wife is bringing him to the casino, I would assume that the enjoyment he gets from playing is outweighing the money he is losing. She must see his decline as well, but if it was an activity that he really enjoyed then I can see wanting to keep doing it even when you're no longer really fit for it. It would be really hard to admit to yourself that you could no longer do an activity you really love. I can understand you discomfort with it, though. That is a difficult position to be in.

Prepube

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Re: Feeling Really Bad I Didn't Say Anything....
« Reply #10 on: September 24, 2014, 10:27:08 PM »
Maybe the old woman is loaning the money to the old guy playing poker... I just came back from Vegas, having seen numerous examples of older people being exploited by casinos and other players.  I'm not sure where the line needs to be drawn when we see someone being taken advantage of, but I did let a couple of people know that I thought maybe they should take a break or a walk or something before they continued losing at the blackjack and three-card poker tables.  In one case it was appreciated and in the other, a woman of at least 95 told me to fuck off (which nearly made me inhale an olive from my Bloody Mary).  I think we have an obligation to others to say something if situations arise that just don't feel right or look right.  I sleep well at night.

lhamo

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Re: Feeling Really Bad I Didn't Say Anything....
« Reply #11 on: September 24, 2014, 10:55:19 PM »
I would have engaged her in a friendly conversation and tried to dig deeper into the situation, not in a judgmental way, but in a way that might help her to start questioning herself the wisdom of what she was doing.  I could see the conversation unfolding something like this.

"Wow, that is very generous of you.  Have you known this person for a long time?"

"Is this the first time they have asked you for money?"

[if yes]  "I hope this will help them get out of trouble.  Have you thought about what you would do if they keep asking you for help?"

[if no] "Really?  How many times have you leant them money?  How much?  Have they ever paid you back?"

"It's really nice of you to try to help them, but I've heard about lots of situations like this that turn out badly.  You are so sweet -- I'd hate to see you being taken advantage of.  Do you have anyone close to you who you can talk to about this situation to get their advice/insight?  It might help to get some additional perspectives on how to handle it in a way that will best help this person.  Sometimes generous people are generous to a fault, and always put others before themselves.  Please just be sure you are taking care of your self first -- kind of like that oxygen mask on the airplane, you need to be sure you are ok before you can help someone else."