Unfortunately, I think the thing that will fulfil all your dreams is just that, a dream. I think as annoying as it is, you should sit down once a week and reconcile all your accounts and categorize expenses. There isn't really a software that will do it all automatically and correctly. Once you get a handle on it, you won't have to do it as often maybe?
Personally I mostly use old YNAB, which is 100% manual, but will kick me in the face if things don't add up. Its great at budgets and spending.
I'm experimenting with GnuCash (open source), but it's a bit clunky and tbh, I haven't figured out the reporting functions At All.