Author Topic: Bridal shower  (Read 2412 times)

Guava

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Bridal shower
« on: February 19, 2016, 06:47:51 PM »
My SO and I are planning to get married this year in a small courthouse ceremony where only our parents and siblings are invited. We were then going to rent a small, local hall and have a reception for our closest friends and family some time after the wedding. Now that my extended family heard about this, they have been very upset. I am the oldest girl and first to marry of the kids in the extended family.

I was not planning to have a bridal shower because I have lived on my own for a number of years and SO has lived with me for the last three years. We are in our mid twenties and we'll established and most people in my family don't have enough money to pay their own bills, let alone buy me something I don't need. Little did I know that not having a bridal shower was going to upset everyone (I am sure the wedding details will upset them as well). I don't really care what they think, but the phone calls and messages pressuring me into it are getting to me.

I truly think one reason they want a bridal shower so much is because I have had a rough last six months with lots of medical issues. They want to do something nice because I "deserve it" (which is a phrase I mostly don't believe in). But all of this is stressing me out and we don't even have a date planned for the wedding yet.

Do I need to have a bridal shower? Is having one to shut my family up ok? If I give in on this, am I going to have a harder time standing my ground on the wedding and reception? Is there some benefit to a bridal shower I am missing? Is there a benefit to compromising just to keep some form of peace in the family? Basically, any suggestions on what to do here while maintaining a mustachian wedding?

Astatine

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Re: Bridal shower
« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2016, 07:04:53 PM »
I got married oldish (late 30s). Didn't have a bridal shower or kitchen tea, and my "hen's night" was one group of friends taking me out for burgers and cocktails, and another group of friends taking me out for lunch. So, I'm definitely not an expert on wedding gumf. But, if people insist on giving you a bridal shower, maybe you could ask for a copy of people's favourite recipe in lieu of gifts?

Larabeth

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Re: Bridal shower
« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2016, 07:09:33 PM »
My mom had an "Honor Tea" where everyone got together and had finger foods but no one gave gifts since it wasn't necessary.  I'm in the same boat later this year and I'm going to bring my future-MIL up to the tea so everyone can meet her.  She loves that kind of thing.

I like the recipe idea!!!  Going to have to remember that...

Britan

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Re: Bridal shower
« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2016, 10:07:11 AM »
I know that feel. My mother is is insisting on one for our wedding even though I'm not feeling it. My response?

"Sure, you plan and pay for it. Just tell me where to be and when."

She said it's going to just be a tea party, at my grandmother's house. I can do that.

Though I did tell her to let anyone know NOT to bring gifts. Not only do we not need anything, but we live on the other side of the country, and don't want a bunch of crap to carry with us on the flight home. It's a pretty good excuse. :)

Frankies Girl

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Re: Bridal shower
« Reply #4 on: February 20, 2016, 10:35:47 AM »
You do not have to do anything you do not want to do. Really.

You get to choose. If you do not want to have a shower or girls' night out or any of that stuff, tell people that you do not want it, that the thought of doing that gives you anxiety and makes you upset, and it makes you very sad and will not be happy in the least to be pressured into having one.

It is possible to say this stuff plainly and politely; you just have to be firm and thank them for the thought, but tell them that the whole shower thing is not you and you absolutely would be sad and uncomfortable having one, so thanks for the thought, but no, you will not be doing that.

But continuing to allow your relatives to pressure you, you are giving them the impression that they have a say in what you decide to do. This is wrong, and you should shut it down ASAP.  So the next time anyone contacts you regarding what you should be doing, tell them that you are perfectly happy with your decision, you will not be doing "X" and there is nothing more to discuss about it. And change the subject. Do not get drawn into defending your choice - it is YOUR CHOICE and they do not have the right to keep picking at you until you change your mind. Shut them down. "Aunt K, I already said I am not going to any shower in my honor. I don't need or want one at all. I'm not discussing this any more, so please stop bring it up. Thanks for understanding."

It is you and your intended that are getting married - not your mother, not your aunts or cousins or grandparents. If the person that is pressuring you wants to have a shower, then tell them that they are welcome to do so for their own wedding... but you do not want one. And if friends/family are texting/calling/emailing you to badger and pressure you, then ignore their contact until after the wedding. You don't have to acknowledge their rudeness in trying to make you do something you do not want to do if you've already explained to them your preferences. Ignore, and distance yourself if they can't let you alone about this.

And then move on, and do not dwell on what others want. Because that is the essential part of this. State what you want and will be happy with - plainly and without any chance of misunderstandings, and then don't give that stuff any more space in your head.

But if it was me, I probably would just avoid the reception thing as well... have your small intimate wedding with just close family present and then save the money you'd have spent on extended family reception and just have a nice get-together like a potluck or BBQ at your house or a local park without calling it a reception or otherwise mentioning your wedding stuff. Then it's just a family reunion where everyone can discuss family stuff and get caught up on who got married (!), who is expecting, who got a new job, who moved... and take the focus off of how you had a non-traditional wedding.

Larabeth

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Re: Bridal shower
« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2016, 06:47:51 PM »
... you should shut it down ASAP.  So the next time anyone contacts you regarding what you should be doing, tell them that you are perfectly happy with your decision, you will not be doing "X" and there is nothing more to discuss about it. And change the subject. Do not get drawn into defending your choice - it is YOUR CHOICE

My MiL is the worst about trying to beat down my defenses.  She thinks my decision to have a winter wedding is atrocious.  I tried to explain it and then finally told her it wasn't really her business.

rockstache

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Bridal shower
« Reply #6 on: February 20, 2016, 08:59:23 PM »
I caved on having a shower (to my MIL). Years later it is still one of the things I wish I had held my ground on. If we ever have kids we will not be having a baby shower.