Author Topic: partner makes unilateral decisions about spending, location, etc  (Read 13619 times)

scrubbyfish

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Furthering an exploration re: partnership and finances.

A number of people on the forum have partners who make unilateral decisions about:

-how the family's income will be spent
-whether one member will be geographically present to help with day-to-day tasks
-remaining in a state of poor health
-having additional partners
-other things that affect a partner and children, financially or otherwise

I know there are lots of excellent strategies for partners that agree to make decisions together, which is so awesome but not the question here.

The question here is: Where one partner makes big decisions solo, what has helped you cope with, survive, or change that?

I'm not in this situation myself right now. (I was until recently, and left.) Others on the forum live this situation. Do you have awesome strategies to share that allow a partnership to flourish where this is happening?

BFGirl

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Re: partner makes unilateral decisions about spending, location, etc
« Reply #1 on: July 04, 2014, 08:23:55 AM »
Dealt with it for at least 15 years (after trying to reach compromise) and recently divorced.  Couldn't deal with that and other issues anymore.

A partner is supposed to be a partner, not a dictator (even a supposedly benevolent one).  I got tired of my self-destructive ways of rebelling and got out.
« Last Edit: July 04, 2014, 08:25:57 AM by BFGirl »

GuitarStv

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Re: partner makes unilateral decisions about spending, location, etc
« Reply #2 on: July 04, 2014, 08:24:21 AM »
It's not a partnership if one person is making unilateral decisions all the time.  My strategy would be to work to change the decision making process, or leave.

scrubbyfish

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Re: partner makes unilateral decisions about spending, location, etc
« Reply #3 on: July 04, 2014, 09:05:23 AM »
A partner is supposed to be a partner, not a dictator (even a supposedly benevolent one).

Love that qualification (and overall statement).

I got tired of my self-destructive ways of rebelling and got out.

I SO love the responsibility in this statement! Not blaming other, but "I got tired of my...". Nice!

My strategy would be to work to change the decision making process, or leave.

GuitarStv: Thanks! Any ideas on how to work to change the decision-making process? (Yes, I did indeed feel funny typing "partnership" and "unilateral" in the same post.)

GuitarStv

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Re: partner makes unilateral decisions about spending, location, etc
« Reply #4 on: July 04, 2014, 10:03:03 AM »
Communication is usually a good place to start.  Sit down and explain that you feel left out of the decision making process on a variety of things.  Come up with some specific examples where you could had some valuable thoughts/input regarding a choice that was made but were left out.  Ask your partner to be mindful of this.  Try it out for a couple weeks, and then have another discussion to cover how or if things have changed.  Figure out if things are working or if additional refinements the process need to be made.  Rinse/repeat until things are working out.

zataks

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Re: partner makes unilateral decisions about spending, location, etc
« Reply #5 on: July 04, 2014, 10:13:06 AM »
Communication is usually a good place to start.  Sit down and explain that you feel left out of the decision making process on a variety of things.  Come up with some specific examples where you could had some valuable thoughts/input regarding a choice that was made but were left out.  Ask your partner to be mindful of this.  Try it out for a couple weeks, and then have another discussion to cover how or if things have changed.  Figure out if things are working or if additional refinements the process need to be made.  Rinse/repeat until things are working out.

+1

Verbal communication FTW.

Mr. Frugalwoods

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Re: partner makes unilateral decisions about spending, location, etc
« Reply #6 on: July 04, 2014, 10:36:36 AM »
Couple's counseling.  It's amazing what a professional therapist can help you do in just a few sessions. 

It's not so much about resolving existing conflicts, but building a framework for communication that works for you and your partner.

Divorce is really freaking expensive, in addition to being awful emotionally.  Spending a couple thousand on 6 months of counseling is the best investment return you'll ever get.

scrubbyfish

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Re: partner makes unilateral decisions about spending, location, etc
« Reply #7 on: July 04, 2014, 10:54:33 AM »
Cool, Mr Frugalwoods!

Again, this thread is not specific to me, but just adding: My last partner and I did do counselling. I spent $1200 on it and then he did likewise. We got nowhere as a couple, but at least through that process I saw how committed he was not to me or to a partnership, but to making unilateral decisions, and in the end that was extremely helpful information for me indeed! So, counselling can work great if the partnership simply needs new tools, and both members want those, but it can also help even where that's not the case. It can bring clarity, and the confidence that we tried everything before resorting to leaving.

BFGirl

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Re: partner makes unilateral decisions about spending, location, etc
« Reply #8 on: July 04, 2014, 01:35:44 PM »
I agree that communication is paramount.  It just doesn't make a difference when the other person isn't listening.

tmac

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Re: partner makes unilateral decisions about spending, location, etc
« Reply #9 on: July 04, 2014, 02:16:28 PM »
Quote
So, counselling can work great if the partnership simply needs new tools, and both members want those, but it can also help even where that's not the case. It can bring clarity, and the confidence that we tried everything before resorting to leaving.

I also found counseling very useful. It made clear what had been murky: There was nothing wrong with our relationship (or me specifically, which is the assumption we started with) except that I didn't love him, and never had. We both deserved better. I'm sure he'd say that the counseling didn't work, since we ended up apart, but I think it worked perfectly.

Mr. Frugalwoods

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Re: partner makes unilateral decisions about spending, location, etc
« Reply #10 on: July 04, 2014, 05:43:02 PM »
Quote
So, counselling can work great if the partnership simply needs new tools, and both members want those, but it can also help even where that's not the case. It can bring clarity, and the confidence that we tried everything before resorting to leaving.

I also found counseling very useful. It made clear what had been murky: There was nothing wrong with our relationship (or me specifically, which is the assumption we started with) except that I didn't love him, and never had. We both deserved better. I'm sure he'd say that the counseling didn't work, since we ended up apart, but I think it worked perfectly.

Definitely!  It's one of the reasons I would recommend a secular therapist over a religiously affiliated one.  The religious ones sometimes aren't as interested in helping people realize that their marriage might not be the right thing for either of them.  Secular therapists don't have those compunctions.

YMMV, and any counseling is probably better than no counseling.

Zamboni

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Re: partner makes unilateral decisions about spending, location, etc
« Reply #11 on: July 04, 2014, 06:00:54 PM »
Quote
. . . through that process I saw how committed he was not to me or to a partnership, but to making unilateral decisions, and in the end that was extremely helpful information for me indeed!

I had the same revelation during counseling.

To be fair, some folks do seem truly happy when the other person makes all of the decisions.  Since this is a forum for people trying to make the best financial decisions they can, there might be a better forum for finding people who are okay with just letting the other person call all of the shots.

deborah

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Re: partner makes unilateral decisions about spending, location, etc
« Reply #12 on: July 04, 2014, 07:29:49 PM »
Firstly, I'm not sure how people can make "unilateral decisions about remaining in a state of poor health" - can someone enlighten me? I would not like to be in a relationship where my partner assumed I was trying to remain in a state of poor health! This seems the antithesis of my view of partnership, which is based on trust.

Most relationships seem to have some amount of unilateral decision making - there are times when it is necessary (eg. when the other person isn't contactable). There are also areas that couples assign to one party (eg. buying insurance). It is easy for a relationship to gradually drift toward unilateral decision making - the times happen more frequently, or the areas gradually enlarge. In these cases, examples of how things have enlarged can get both people back to an acceptable level of unilateral decisions.

Many relationships seem to change when someone earns a lot less than the other - it is hard for the high income earner not to think of the money as "mine" rather than "ours", particularly when the other becomes a stay at home parent. Often partners seem to forget that they are working together towards outcomes. This forum has plenty of people who get frustrated when one partner has made the decision to work toward financial freedom, and the other doesn't appear to have that as a goal at all. Plenty of these people express it in terms of "mine", and I think each time that they have forgotten that they are in a partnership. If they originally had a partnership, it should be redeemable.

However, I remember one BF who was a property holder - and I was going to be his property. Admittedly, I have never been a model - but I have never wanted to be on either. If I belonged to him, I was going to have a complete make over. Plastic surgery - the lot. No decision was going to be mine. I was going to have a big diamond ring - just to have one bigger and better than his sister's. The fact that I don't wear jewelry (particularly rings) was completely lost on him. Every decision I made about my life was to be gradually taken away from me (even what I did at work). I cannot ever think that this type of person could possibly change into someone who became a partner.

Erica/NWEdible

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Re: partner makes unilateral decisions about spending, location, etc
« Reply #13 on: July 04, 2014, 07:45:22 PM »
Someone who...

makes unilateral decisions about:
-how the family's income will be spent
-whether one member will be geographically present to help with day-to-day tasks
-remaining in a state of poor health
-having additional partners
-other things that affect a partner and children, financially or otherwise

...is not a partner. They are a definitely controlling, probably manipulate, possible sociopath.

Now, to be fair, that's exactly what some people are looking for in a mate.

For the rest of us? Get the fuck out and don't look back.

scrubbyfish

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Re: partner makes unilateral decisions about spending, location, etc
« Reply #14 on: July 05, 2014, 03:29:27 AM »
Excellent discussion, yay!

To clarify, I should have presented the examples with an "or". i.e., One person might experience their partner making unilateral decisions about how shared money is spent, another might make unilateral decisions about location, another about health, etc. Hopefully no one on this forum is having to cope with one spouse that does all five things. These were examples drawn from various threads, by various spouses.

deborah: Great post, thanks! To answer your question: For a person eating reasonably well, this example would indeed be hard to fathom. But I know several people personally who continue some extreme eating habits (as I used to), for example, and decline to get any help to resolve that. Perhaps applying the phrase "makes unilateral decision" is not quite fitting where the issue is addiction.

Everyone: So, the strategies so far are sit down for calm conversation, if still needed after that go for counselling, if still needed after that leave the relationship. Are there any other approaches that have helped anyone here resolve this in their marriage?

WhoopWhoop

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Re: partner makes unilateral decisions about spending, location, etc
« Reply #15 on: July 05, 2014, 08:55:44 AM »
Just wanted to chime in really quick...

First, you deal with unilateral decision-makers the same way that you deal with your boss. Your boss does the same thing.

Second, in my case, the unilateral decision-maker is not a spouse, it's a control freak mother. The only successful strategy I've come across is systematically reducing every single dependency you have on that person. Like a mustachian saves money to reduce dependence on your job, you have to reduce your dependency on your partner. I've done this through the years and the less I need my mother, the better our relationship. She knows she can't pull crap with me now because I can disappear and not need her anymore.

matchewed

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Re: partner makes unilateral decisions about spending, location, etc
« Reply #16 on: July 05, 2014, 09:13:11 AM »
Just wanted to chime in really quick...

First, you deal with unilateral decision-makers the same way that you deal with your boss. Your boss does the same thing.

Second, in my case, the unilateral decision-maker is not a spouse, it's a control freak mother. The only successful strategy I've come across is systematically reducing every single dependency you have on that person. Like a mustachian saves money to reduce dependence on your job, you have to reduce your dependency on your partner. I've done this through the years and the less I need my mother, the better our relationship. She knows she can't pull crap with me now because I can disappear and not need her anymore.

I think you may be altering the conversation a bit too much. As said before this is specific to your partner. Your relationship with your boss is an top/down relationship regardless of how you and your boss interact. Your relationship with a control freak mother is/was top/down and is now evolving towards an equal relationship like most adults (should) have with non-partners. But yes distancing yourself from a bad relationship (partner or otherwise) can be a good thing. See previous discussion about friend-shaped dead weight.

A relationship with a partner should be a mutual forward thing. It may at times mirror some other forms of dynamics in relationships. For instance my GF is a much more traveled person. She can lead travel planning all she wants. I view it as a flexible thing that takes the shape it needs to for particular circumstances. There are of course unhealthy "shapes" it may take and it is identifying those and addressing them which can form a healthy relationship. How that is done is by good healthy communication. Learn how to fight well rather than just fight. Don't bottle shit up for later use.

As for unilateral decisions. It's just a bad relationship. I'd recommend anyone in that to just end it. Either side.

Goldielocks

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Re: partner makes unilateral decisions about spending, location, etc
« Reply #17 on: July 05, 2014, 12:20:53 PM »
Grandparents used to say:
They agreed when married...
He makes all the large decisions, She makes all the small ones.

40yrs on and she found that pretty much every decision is a small decision.

Eg. He chose the employment and city to live in., the houses.  Maybe 5 decisions in all the years. 

Sense of humour helped!

deborah

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Re: partner makes unilateral decisions about spending, location, etc
« Reply #18 on: July 05, 2014, 05:28:48 PM »
I know several people personally who continue some extreme eating habits (as I used to), for example, and decline to get any help to resolve that. Perhaps applying the phrase "makes unilateral decision" is not quite fitting where the issue is addiction.
It depends on the extreme eating habits. For instance, I would rather my partner did not drink 3 cans of coke a day, or smoke a packet of cigarettes a day. I regard these as being unreasonable, and potentially life shortening. However, they are not unilateral decisions - I am free to choose whether to partake or not. They were his habits when I first met him many many years ago, and they aren't going to change. It would be unreasonable for me to expect him to.

However, he knows (although I don't badger him about either) that I would prefer it if he stopped both. He also knows that I react to cigarette smoke (I cough uncontrollably), and he never smokes in the house or anywhere near me. I can think of some things he would rather I didn't eat (asparagus) or do, but he doesn't badger me about them either (I have asparagus when he is out).

Thegoblinchief

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Re: partner makes unilateral decisions about spending, location, etc
« Reply #19 on: July 05, 2014, 06:25:57 PM »
I tend to be a bit of a unilateralist. DW and I both have "control freak" type personalities.

Getting her (and keeping her) involved in financial decisions has been one of my personal challenges over the past few years.