Parent In laws relationship - part II - update

[Jacinle]

Given my first topic have generated really good advice, I am writing an update

TD;LR
I have been reflecting and lately I am thinking one question
I felt bad for judging them negatively, however, their repeated behaviours provide enought datapoints to support that.  Judging them bad make me felt justified to say my demands (fewer visits).  Making my demands than contributes to my better mental health.
But it didn't really improve the in-laws relationship
Imagine if you are going lunch in your school canteen, I won't sit at their tables.
Now what I want to do is to increase some distance, sort out my feelings and boundaries and see what's next.

Long Story
What I think about them - superiority complex, arrogant, stubborn, knows everything, prejudice.  They love their son and grandchlidren

Over the long summer stay, inevitably, some of my friends/neighbors pop over and they arrived at the same impression of MIL+FIL, even with a short visit.
I had never share my thoughts with anyone, with friends/neighbors, or even my husband, for I felt, who I am to judge a person.  I felt bad thinking that way.

I just said to my friends when they want to visit, I would say could I come to your place instead/grab a coffee outside, the pressure in my house is too high for me at the moment

I read that judgement is fundamental and actually automatic, it helps us to stay alive.   Judging only becomes a problem when we make unnecessary, hurtful or unfair judgments based on little evidence.

On the other hand, I also felt being judged, being constantly told it were much harder for parents in the old days, you are so fortunate to have us blah blah blah (every parent felt hard, right, no one felt parenting is a bleeze I guess?); Tons of Advice and No Empathy; disrepect and belittle my job, cooking, parenting; I found it is a common way that they give praise.  They would give praise to my kid, you are better than Mary/David, they just can't praise their offspring without belittle others. 

Regrets
To newly married couples, here are my regrets
1. I think keeping peace is to avoid conflict, but instead I should call it out.
I felt being inferior when you said that.
2. Our culture is always endure/tolerate - generations have been doing that and we are expected to do that to keep peace
this usually lead to pressure cooker symptoms that the pressure became too much and explode

Looking forward
Life is always a journey and learnings.
I hope by sharing experiences that we could all learn, inspire and aspire each other to be a better person.
While for now, I need more time just with myself/my own family, might be in the future I would be happily getting along and have a better relationship, who knows
Life is always a box of chocolates.

[uniwelder]

I’m not sure why you’re writing this here. The journal section would be appropriate, as you’re not asking for any advice or a question.

It’s also unclear what this is an update to. Perhaps post this to your original thread as an update.

[GilesMM]

If they like their grandchildren then they dang well better play nice with YOU or access will be restricted.  Make sure they get this message, preferably from their son, who better be prioritizing your happiness over theirs at all times.

[charis]

This seems to be related to a prior post in which this poster was seeking advice about how to deal with overbearing mother and father in law who were staying with her family for long visits during which they were making the poster miserable.  But due to cultural and family expectations, neither she nor her husband were doing much to curtail their behavior. 

This "update" don't read like much of an update.  It sounds like you set a boundary for fewer visits and it didn't go over well?  I don't think your relationship with them is suddenly going to improve but your sanity may.

[darknight]

If they like their grandchildren then they dang well better play nice with YOU or access will be restricted.  Make sure they get this message, preferably from their son, who better be prioritizing your happiness over theirs at all times.

Amen. Just because they are "grandma and grandpa" doesn't mean they are correct on everything. They don't know how to parent youngsters in 2022, even modern parents are trying to learn how.

[charis]

If they like their grandchildren then they dang well better play nice with YOU or access will be restricted.  Make sure they get this message, preferably from their son, who better be prioritizing your happiness over theirs at all times.

Amen. Just because they are "grandma and grandpa" doesn't mean they are correct on everything. They don't know how to parent youngsters in 2022, even modern parents are trying to learn how.

My in-laws are shockingly obtuse on this point.  Anything we've asked them not to do, or do differently, is met with a nasty retort related to how they raised kids "who turned out pretty good."  Meanwhile, anyone who knew the family growing up has commented on their surprise that the kids turned out even remotely ok. 

[ATtiny85]

Pretty disturbing post, hopefully this was just some super late night rant and the OP is doing alright, and this is not a prelude for news vans being in the street.

OP, surround yourself with some positive energy. Get a plan together to avoid such a negative environment. Live is short, way too short to be around people who don’t make you feel happy. Family members are just people, not special at all, and you should feel empowered to ignore their existence, just like the other billions of people in the world you have no interaction with. (Easy to say, hard to do I know)

[zolotiyeruki]

I am so grateful I get along with my in-laws.  DW had it a bit rougher with my mother at first, but once the roles and expectations were ironed out, things got much better.

I don't know if you're looking for any advice, @Jacinle, but you posted this in "ask a mustachian," so here are a few thoughts:
1) Don't let your in-laws' inappropriate behavior occupy your thoughts any more than you absolutely have to.  Stewing over it, holding resentment, ranting, etc will only rob you of happiness, especially if those thoughts continue after the in-laws have left.
2) Recognize that you cannot force change in others.  You can encourage change overtly, or manage the situation in order to encourage it, but you can't force it.  Recognize what is in your control and what is not.
3) This one is hard: choose not to be offended.  I've heard it said that "He who takes offense when none is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when it is intended is a great fool."  If the in-laws don't mean offense, there's little sense in being offended.  If they *do* mean to offend you, then being offended only hands them power over you.
4) IIRC, there are some cultural expectations or traditions driving some of this behavior.  A guy I knew a long time ago had this nugget of wisdom: "tradition has no claim on sanctity."  If a particular tradition is making life harder, get rid of it.  This can also be hard, because humans are creatures of habit, and things that deviate from the norm are typically viewed with suspicion or hostility.
5) You need to sit down with DH and set some boundaries and expectations.  Boundaries in terms of your in-laws' behavior (e.g. "they are welcome to stay up to three nights"), but also DH's behavior (e.g. "if MIL disparages my parenting, I expect you to stand up for me").  Also, expectations for how you will act in certain situations, so that nobody is surprised ("I'm willing to be social with the in-laws for up to two hours per day, if the schedule permits." or "If MIL starts criticizing me, I will leave the room".  Then enforce those boundaries ("because MIL did X, Y, and Z, we will decline their next visit, and explain that their behavior made our family miserable for three weeks, and we are not interested in repeating that experience.")

The biggest thing for me, though, is #3.  Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's mostly small stuff.  The snide remarks, the implied (or inferred!) put-downs, the exclusionary behavior...don't let it be about you.  Let the in-laws try to make themselves feel better by putting you down, if indeed that's what they're trying to do.  The best revenge is a life well-lived, and you have the power to achieve exactly that.