After reading all the advice in this thread, wife and I had a "supplemental" conversation last night. Lasted only 15-20 minutes. I told her I wanted to be clear and make sure we were on the same page. I took the advice in this thread and had eight points that I jotted on a notepad at work while thinking throughout the day:
1. I was sorry for not being supportive enough during breastfeeding, weaning, and mastitis. The latter end of all this came smack dab in the middle of busy season at work (year-end is terrible in my industry) and the holidays, and both of our families are whack, so the holidays suck. In hindsight, I felt absent and expressly told her so.
-She appreciated this a lot, and said she had a much harder time than she let off.
2. It is not fair to her to be both the primary caregiver and be queen socialite, and that she needs to let me know what I could do to take the load off her. I told her she can start trusting me little by little.
-She generally agreed, and thought of a few things I could do that would help. There were some DD things, but also other adult things (i.e., laundry, making her lunches) that would help her a lot. My feeling is DD things will come, but getting wife back is the more immediate need, so I agreed.
3. I do not expect pre-kid level interaction. That's dumb and insane; there's another human to take care of now, and that takes time and energy. I was just hoping we could get some of our spark back.
-She agreed and was relieved to hear this.
4. I want a great relationship with DD, and that requires wife to trust me more.
-She agreed and said she is working on trusting me more. She said there was one time I was driving with DD in our neighborhood (extremely small, residential), and I used my car dash to return a call, and that caused her to lose trust. Side note -- I was stopped at a stop sign with no cars in sight. Anyway, I told her nitpicking like that will just shut me out. None of us are perfect. She said she will work on it. This is probably the subject of an entirely different conversation, and perhaps mom groups (see below) will resolve this without further intervention from me, so I just let this one be for now.
5. I encouraged her to join social groups.
-To my surprise, she had two groups she wanted to do. Public library and a little toddler's music club. She was weary of the music club because it is $60/month, and she thought I'd be mad, but I told her it was money well spent. Good socialization for her and DD.
6. My being alone at the office has a lot more of an effect on me than she thinks, or that I let off. I need social interaction, and I need to start doing more stuff with other people. I was very clear to frame this as "It's unfair for me to pin all of my social needs on you," and not "you don't fulfill me, so I need to do stuff with other people." I explained pretty clearly that it would be impossible for her to fill that social void for me, so I just need to do stuff.
I also told her how people need a "third space" -- home, work, and a third space (club, church, etc.) -- and I don't even have a "second" space due to little interaction at work. So, I just need to play cards with the guys, golf, maybe join the Y, go to church more (even without her if necessary), etc.
-She agreed. She told me she liked when I met other people in my field because she knew I needed that time, and she likes the little alone time she gets. Might be more a fun golf year next year.
7. In retrospect, with the holidays and everything, my wife has cut her exercise back, and hasn't meal prepped like she normally does. I told her I'd help return her to normal levels on both fronts, which mostly includes getting up earlier during the week and meal prepping for her on Sundays.
-Obviously very appreciative.
8. Most importantly, told her I unconditionally loved her, and that this is what people mean when they say "marriage takes work."
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Overall a great talk. We followed up by making cauliflower pizzas, something we always used to do. Then we hate-watched the Bachelor and screamed so loud at the TV we woke up DD. Then some sex. Yay sex.
Good start.