We've tried various things over the years. I've learnt that buying nothing doesn't work, even the adults genuinely enjoy opening a gift, and it feels weird to have nothing for you under the tree. For my family, we have settled into adults doing a secret santa - works well for us as everyone puts thought and time into it, and gifts are almost always well chosen, rarely do I see a gift card (other than for one person's mum who we don't see through the year, and she often gets a salon gift card because she is so busy looking after her elderly and unwell husband that being encouraged to take time out for a massage is actually very good for her). This year, even with the kids the presents are being ramped back. They all get a stocking, and parents typically buy "something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read", though my toddler still just gets whatever I want to give her, plus mum buys all the kids a book, and others may or may not buy other gifts for the kids if they choose to, but no expectations. With my husband's side, I have literally seen one of the kids brought to tears /temper tantrum by being given yet another gift when he was just too overwhelmed. Since that year, they have ramped back a little. Adults now give a small token - often the ladies make food gifts, or one aunt gives each family a nice ornament. Kids still get gifts from everyone - which means that they get something from the great grandparents, their own GPs and 2 aunts, their parents siblings and cousins, and their parents - that's roughly 9 or 10 gifts each - but at least they are less extravagant gifts, and only one each rather than several. Then add on that MIL thinks that an appropriate gift budget - per kid - is around $500 - $1000. Hubby and I are separated, and I am really relieved that I don't have to be a part of that again this year. Though I did quite enjoy the designer purses that MIL used to give me (she didn't like my requests of power tools or shares).
One thing that my parents did when we were little, with relies all overseas. The aunts had an arrangement that mum would buy something for us "from" them, and they would buy something for their kids "from" mum. noone wastes money on postage or has to guess what nieces and nephews they barely know would like. And everyone spends the amount they want - and stop the tradition when they are comfortable to do so, while the other side may continue it if they feel the need.
TLDR: be upfront and say you want to try a different approach, and accept that it's probably going to take a few years to get to a comfortable arrangement. Then it's going to get all messed up when there's another generation anyway.
Hmm, I've just noticed, it's all about the women. The men a) couldn't care less about getting gifts, and b) are rubbish at buying them. The women in both families do all the work and make all the effort, and enjoy the opening the most. Is that just my and my husband's families or is that common?