Author Topic: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?  (Read 16424 times)

kasperle

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 115
Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« on: December 21, 2015, 03:52:35 PM »
I've got a huge life decision to make, and I'm just not sure what to do. It involves many things that directly impact my happiness: my relationship with my SO, my job and my salary, and where I live.

It all started with me asking my friend at a well-known tech company how he's liking it. How does he like it? Well, he loves it! The team is great, the work is engaging, the salary is unreasonably high, and they're hiring. He says he can give my email to the account manager.

Fast forward, and it's likely that I'll be offered this job. The salary will be more than I'll ever make in my life; on the order of 250k. I currently make 90k.

Even calculations that consider extreme increases to my cost of living still work out to this being an equally huge increase in the percentage of my salary that I can invest. This would directly impact my time to FIRE by many years (one calculation was 3ish years to retire, down from my current 7ish years).

At this point, it might seem like an obvious choice. Take the job, right? Well...I wish it were that easy.

I'll likely have to move across the country (east coast to the west coast). The main problem with this is that my SO lives on the east coast with me, and has no reason to go out west with me. Neither of us want to get married, which makes it a bit more risky for her to just drop everything and move out there with me. She did something similar with a previous boyfriend, and they didn't end up working out, so she's (rightfully) worried about the same thing happening again. I completely understand that while this may be a great opportunity for myself, it seems to be a pretty shitty deal for her if she moves with me.

We've been thinking of some options. We could do a long distance thing, but it's hard to agree to that when the timeline is unknown, and when we've been living together for a year and a half.

She could move out there, but that's a big risk. She would need to leave her job, which is salaried (~30k) with benefits, like health insurance. Her family is a short drive away, and we go and see them nearly every weekend. Also, she grew up around here, so a bunch of her friends are here. Silicon valley doesn't seem particularly interesting to either of us, even though the weather does sound really nice.

Or I could just not take the job, and continue living my perfectly fine life as it is. My working years will be longer, but maybe that's okay?

This might hinge on how strong my relationship is with my SO, because I would likely take the job if I were single. We've been seeing one another for a few years now, and things are great. I try to take some things day by day, so I don't have any plans to propose. But in a few years, if we were still together and things were going just as great, then I certainly might consider it then.

Fellow Mustachians, if you've made it this far, thank you so much for reading! I'm curious...what would you do in this situation?
« Last Edit: December 21, 2015, 04:19:14 PM by kasperle »

matchewed

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4337
  • Location: CT
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #1 on: December 21, 2015, 04:00:46 PM »
http://lifehacker.com/use-the-10-10-10-rule-to-make-better-decisions-1595173906

Take your time with that one. Work on it alone and with your SO IMO. Don't go so pie in the sky with your answers. Keep it grounded and true to your values.

Mother Fussbudget

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 832
  • Age: 57
  • Location: Indianapolis, IN
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2015, 04:22:02 PM »
You've got some soul searching to do.  Ask yourself a LOT of questions, such as...

Will you be happier in your current area spending a few more years working, or will the new area, new experiences add to your 'joy'?

Where do you want to spend your FI years?  Will you travel?  Stay close to your current home?  Experiment with geographic arbitrage?

Remember to keep your feet on the ground, and your eyes on the numbers.  What's the cost of living in your west-coast destination city? 
Chances are a $250K salary is coming from a company in a high cost of living area (HCOL). 

Can your SO also pick up a higher paid position on the left-coast?  (probably - check out positions via LinkedIn)

What have OTHER PEOPLE on these forums done?  What can you learn from their experiences? 
(Don't wait for people to answer you here - realize these questions have been asked before.  Search the forums for "cross country move")

Whatever happens, best of  luck - and be SURE to blog about the process, and your thought process here (or in a Journal).

arebelspy

  • Administrator
  • Senior Mustachian
  • *****
  • Posts: 28132
  • Age: -999
  • Location: Seattle, WA
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #3 on: December 21, 2015, 05:18:42 PM »
I don't have any answers for you, because I think you're ultimately the one who has the answers.  Like you said, I think it hinges on that relationship with the SO.

Commenting to subscribe, cause I hope you keep us updated. It's a tough one.
We are two former teachers who accumulated a bunch of real estate, retired at 29, spent some time traveling the world full time and are now settled with three kids.
If you want to know more about us, or how we did that, or see lots of pictures, this Business Insider profile tells our story pretty well.
We (rarely) blog at AdventuringAlong.com. Check out our Now page to see what we're up to currently.

csprof

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 229
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #4 on: December 21, 2015, 06:08:17 PM »
One thing to consider:  There are quite a few well-known big tech companies on the west coast, and of those, several of them have east coast offices - Google's in Pittsburgh, Boston, and NYC;  Facebook's in NYC and they have an Oculus lab in Pittsburgh.  Twitter -- well, I assume you're not talking about Twitter.  (As I type that, I realize you might be, and that I'm being an ass just to get a chuckle.  Sorry.).

If you're getting an offer from BigCorp a, you can probably get an offer from a different BigCorp b that *does* have east coast options.

250k is a fairly standard total compensation package for a mid-career, very good software engineer out here.  So don't think that the offer you have is the only one that could hit that range, unless it's something with a wacky mix of your skills and the company that you've found.

Silicon valley has its ups and downs.

Mr. Green

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 2002
  • Age: 36
  • Location: Wilmington, NC
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #5 on: December 21, 2015, 06:30:00 PM »
I'm assuming you don't want to get married because you just don't find extra value in being married, as opposed to not being that into your SO?

deborah

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8946
  • Location: Australia or another awesome area
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #6 on: December 21, 2015, 06:39:20 PM »
Many years ago my SO informed me one day that he had applied for a job in the US for three years and got it, and that I couldn't come (we live in Australia). The US only issues visas for one person, not two. I thought that was the end of "us".

He came back.

Some years later his job moved 8 hours drive away. He moved there and for nine years he came back for the weekend every second weekend.

Then I moved, and we've been together ever since.

Long distance can work. It depends upon what you do to make it work, and how committed you show you are, and perceive the other as being. I felt that he was pretty committed to drive for sixteen hours every second weekend for nine years. We also talked to each other every night. It would be a lot simpler for the two of you with all the communications advances there have been since. But you do have to be friends as well as lovers.

When I moved, I had a job that moved me, so we both still had careers.

Do you love her enough to syphon off some of that pay rise and use it to spend every second weekend (or whatever) with her? Maybe one weekend in your place, and the next in hers - so that she also gets a chance to enjoy your new home, and explore it to see if she can find work there. Do you love her in a way that can still be somewhat satisfying apart? Only you can answer these types of questions.

MsPeacock

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1554
  • Location: High COL
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #7 on: December 21, 2015, 06:43:36 PM »
Are you living together? If she moved with you, would you then live together?

I think if a relationship is good it can weather a major change like one person giving up their job to move for the other. However, if there are problems they are likely to be magnified by the sacrifice of one member of the relationship for the other. This is particularly so since she makes substantially less than you do (now) and will be even more at an economic disadvantage compared to you after the move.

Can you do long distance for a while, at your expense, and see how it goes?

limeandpepper

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4448
  • Location: Australasia
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #8 on: December 21, 2015, 06:51:56 PM »
Oh hello! I moved from the east coast to the west coast of a big country (not USA, though) because of my partner. I loved where I lived in the east coast. I wasn't born there, but it was where I spent my formative years and so basically it's where all my friends are, and some family too. I was renting a nice apartment in a nice suburb at a great price and had been living there for years - landlady seemed to be happy keeping it for rental income, with no plans to sell. I had a steady job too, with colleagues I like, and again, no discernible danger of losing the job. So the move was tough for me but I was willing to do this because

1) I didn't want to do a long-distance relationship for too long (in my case the move was for an unspecified amount of time i.e. indefinitely),
2) My partner promised (and delivered) subsidized living costs upon the move,
3) While we have separate finances, my partner has promised me that if I have difficulties getting a job in my new home and run out of my own money, he will take care of my expenses. We are not married but only because we don't see the point (de facto partnerships are common in these parts). I trust his word. Though I also think that he's pretty confident that I would never allow my savings to drain out, and he's pretty right. ;)

This sounds like a great opportunity. You don't mention any concerns about the downsides of the actual job itself, so if it doesn't come with significantly more hours and stress compared to your current job, it seems like a really sweet deal. I probably would be encouraging my partner to go for an opportunity like this, if it is what he wants.

Admittedly it took me a long time to be okay with my new home. I have no idea how your partner will adjust, if she does follow you. And if you want her along for the ride, do your best so that she doesn't feel like she made the wrong choice going with you.

If you are willing to contemplate hanging around and working an additional 4 years just because you don't want to leave your partner behind, it seems like you're pretty serious about the relationship? If so, then you could also contemplate going for the job, have your partner come along, and take care of all her basic living costs until she gets a new job and can contribute financially - I imagine that wouldn't set you back by much, you would still come out ahead and get to financial independence quicker.
« Last Edit: December 21, 2015, 06:53:31 PM by limeandpepper »

Noodle

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1209
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #9 on: December 22, 2015, 07:50:26 AM »
It sounds like you are in a tricky place with your relationship, in that you are serious about each other, but have not committed to each other as a family unit (marriage certificate or not). You are considering giving up something substantial for your possible future together, but your GF is not. (Not saying she should, just saying that you're in gray territory here.)

You say that you don't want to do a long-distance relationship with no endpoint, understandable. What if you make an agreement to take the job and in six months, evaluate? At that point you might love the job, hate the job, or be fine with moving back to the East Coast. Meanwhile, GF visits you, checks out the job market on the west coast, and gets to know the area better. If you really only are 3ish years from FI, you could even make an agreement that when you hit the mark you will be coming back.

I would also look around to see what better salaries might be available nearby. Since this opportunity dropped in your lap, it would be worthwhile to see if you could get some salary improvement without such a big move...maybe enough to balance out the insane COL in Silicon Valley.

Louisville

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 500
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #10 on: December 22, 2015, 07:59:27 AM »
90k to 250k? Even with Silicon Valley COL, this is a no brainer. The SO makes very little money. Move, beg the SO to go with you. Get married.

The Happy Philosopher

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 343
    • thehappyphilosopher
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #11 on: December 22, 2015, 08:37:03 AM »
I can already tell this is going to be an interesting thread!

This is a very complicated decision and I don't really think anyone except you can really know what to do. The problem is there are so many variables it makes deciding all the more difficult.

I have found that the key to decision making is writing it out. The human brain is awesome at thinking, but really shitty at making decisions like this. It tends to use emotion and fear as its primary drivers.

Write down the advantages and disadvantages of making this move. Write out the worst case scenario of making this move and ask yourself if you could live with the consequences. Write out everything that is great about your life right now. Write down everything that isn't great. Compare the list to your personal mission or vision and see how much of an overlap there is. Once this stuff is all out on paper keep looking at it and tweaking it as necessary. Your answer will likely be obvious.

My guess is it will all come down to the relationship with your SO. This is a great exercise to really give yourself a gut test as to how important your relationship really is to you.

Good luck, write stuff down and report back to us ;)

hoping2retire35

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1401
  • Location: UPCOUNTRY CAROLINA
  • just want to see where this appears
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #12 on: December 22, 2015, 08:49:40 AM »
I think if you had to do LD relationship for no more than 3 years as opposed to indefinitely it makes a big difference. Even if the job turns into a wreck as long as you can maintain it without losing salary you can survive for 3 years, whereas 7 from now lots more can happen. after 3 years you can live anywhere.

You both may change what you value(going with Mr. Green's logic on this one) once you move away from your friends and family. she may also say she doesn't want to get married so she is not pressuring you. Also, saying you are serious about the relationship and proposing could make her much more reassured.

-also, don't propose as part of the move discussion(talk about wine country or seqoias to get her interested). sometimes it takes a life altering event(moving) to alter our lives(proposing).
also posting to follow, keep us up to date.

use2betrix

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1829
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #13 on: December 22, 2015, 01:52:12 PM »
even if you don't want to get married, do you want to spend your lives together? If that's the case and you're both confident I would move and bring her with you. She makes peanuts in comparison so you can support her until she finds a job.

My gf at the time got a promotion the day I got offered a job that requires a move, and she quit her job and came with me. I was making like 7x what she was and had no problem supporting her. In fact, my income went up so much that I preferred her NOT to work! I make enough in more than happy to support her while she does all the cooking (amazingly) cleaning, laundry, dishes, errands, etc. she is a machine and now when I'm not working we have virtually 100% free time to do fun stuff together! She also does yoga, cycling classes, reads, etc when she has down time. We work out, go hiking, movies, etc. that was over 3 years ago she took the plunge with me and now we did just get married. She isn't working right now, out of our choice, and I love it. I often wonder what she'd need to make for it to be worth a full time job and the damper on our time not working. She worked with me earlier this year and it did get old. Our Sunday's were spent with me at the laundromat and her grocery shopping and cooking meals for the next 3 days.


This is just my experience. It's definitely not for everyone, but when you're making a TON more than the other person, I find it being worthwhile. My income is near yours, and my (now) wives income was around what your girlfriends is.

To each their own, and another option to consider.

kasperle

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 115
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #14 on: December 22, 2015, 06:13:53 PM »
Thanks for the thoughtful replies, everyone! I'll do my best to reply to folks' posts.

Before I do, though, I'll just point out that there haven't been many updates. The company said there's no rush, and with the holidays they said we can pick things back up in the new year. So it'll likely be a few weeks before decision-making time comes around.

Take your time with that one. Work on it alone and with your SO IMO. Don't go so pie in the sky with your answers. Keep it grounded and true to your values.

Thanks for the 10-10-10 link! I wrote down my values, and it's definitely made it easier to work out. In a super worst-case scenario, the 10 month scenario is particularly interesting. The worst case there is that I'm:

- broken up with my SO
- not over it, and sad
- unable to find anyone interesting to be friends with
- not cooking as much, because I know that I'm less motivated to cook by myself for myself
- much, much wealthier
- wondering if I made the right decision, as I traded much of what makes me happy for more $$$ in tha bank

Maybe that's a little too pessimistic, but it does seem like a tough call to make if my SO decides that she's uninterested in moving out there.

I dropped my job and moved overseas with a boyfriend for his work. It was great, we got to travel to a new place together and I started a whole new career that I love. But-and here's the rub - I didn't have a ton of friends and family in the place I was moving from. That's something I don't get a good sense of from your post. Does she love it where she is now? Do you both have a big support network you'd be losing? What don't you like about Silicon Valley, or is it missing the place you're in right now? It may be worth it to move out for your job and see if you two like it for a couple of years, then move back if you don't like it.  For what it's worth, I'm biased as I live in the San Lorenzo Valley and I absolutely love it here (and hated living on the east coast).

I updated the original post to add in that she'd be moving away from family and friends. I've got family nearby, too, but I'm O.K. with moving away from them. Aside from that, she doesn't particularly love it here, though she likes it. Although the job doesn't pay well, she has a lot of independence there and is making changes at the company to make things run smoother. That feeling of doing meaningful work is of great importance to her, and I know she's worried about being unable to find a job that's equally stimulating.

You've got some soul searching to do.  Ask yourself a LOT of questions, such as...

Will you be happier in your current area spending a few more years working, or will the new area, new experiences add to your 'joy'?

Where do you want to spend your FI years?  Will you travel?  Stay close to your current home?  Experiment with geographic arbitrage?

Remember to keep your feet on the ground, and your eyes on the numbers.  What's the cost of living in your west-coast destination city? 
Chances are a $250K salary is coming from a company in a high cost of living area (HCOL). 

Can your SO also pick up a higher paid position on the left-coast?  (probably - check out positions via LinkedIn)

What have OTHER PEOPLE on these forums done?  What can you learn from their experiences? 
(Don't wait for people to answer you here - realize these questions have been asked before.  Search the forums for "cross country move")

Whatever happens, best of  luck - and be SURE to blog about the process, and your thought process here (or in a Journal).

Those are some great questions. I'll be sure to keep all of those questions in mind as I make my decision.

My SO has been super awesome and has been looking for jobs out there, even though I know she's not super psyched about moving there with me. But maybe something will come up? We'll see, I suppose!

Searching the forum is also great advice. I'll be sure to run some searches later this week!

If you're getting an offer from BigCorp a, you can probably get an offer from a different BigCorp b that *does* have east coast options.

250k is a fairly standard total compensation package for a mid-career, very good software engineer out here.  So don't think that the offer you have is the only one that could hit that range, unless it's something with a wacky mix of your skills and the company that you've found.

Interestingly, I'm not particularly interested in working for BigCompanyAnyone. It's usually a game of chance when it comes to what team you're put on, in terms of how the team works together, how it's managed, and so on. I've heard plenty of bad stories from friends who take jobs at the big companies that make me uninterested in playing that game. The only reason I'm interested in this team at this particular BigCompany is because a good friend of mine has confirmed that it's a solid team.

Maybe I'm being too picky, but the team I work with now is great, so I wouldn't want to trade that for anything less, even if the money was good.

I'm assuming you don't want to get married because you just don't find extra value in being married, as opposed to not being that into your SO?

You're right that it's not about not being that into my SO. Rather, it's a combination of four things:

1. my age (I'm 25; I feel too young to get married)
2. how long we've been dating: 2.5 years. I'd want to be together a bit longer before marriage, I think
3. not thinking that it adds much value to a relationship
4. not knowing too much about how that affects our finances. I think she would own half of everything I own from that point on, which scares me a li'l

With that said, she has said she would feel fine moving if we were married, as that would give her the level of security she needs.

...

Do you love her enough to syphon off some of that pay rise and use it to spend every second weekend (or whatever) with her? Maybe one weekend in your place, and the next in hers - so that she also gets a chance to enjoy your new home, and explore it to see if she can find work there. Do you love her in a way that can still be somewhat satisfying apart? Only you can answer these types of questions.

That's a great story! I'm glad that things worked out so well for you.

I suppose I could afford plane tickets every weekend, but it might be a bit of a drain on the two of us to do a cross-country flight twice a week. I think it's 6 hours or so each way. I'm also moderately afraid of flying, so I wouldn't want to fly that frequently myself.

We might be able to do a long distance thing with less frequent visits, though? Hmm...

Are you living together? If she moved with you, would you then live together?

I think if a relationship is good it can weather a major change like one person giving up their job to move for the other. However, if there are problems they are likely to be magnified by the sacrifice of one member of the relationship for the other. This is particularly so since she makes substantially less than you do (now) and will be even more at an economic disadvantage compared to you after the move.

Can you do long distance for a while, at your expense, and see how it goes?

We do live together, and we would continue to do so after the move if she came with me. I'd be happy to do long distance for some time at my expense. I'm just wondering what the long-term plan for that would be, you know? If we plan to do that for year(s), then I wonder if it just makes more sense to get married now and move out there together to spare the hardship.

You make great points about the problems magnified by the sacrifices. That's one thing we're both really worried about.

...

This sounds like a great opportunity. You don't mention any concerns about the downsides of the actual job itself, so if it doesn't come with significantly more hours and stress compared to your current job, it seems like a really sweet deal. I probably would be encouraging my partner to go for an opportunity like this, if it is what he wants.

Admittedly it took me a long time to be okay with my new home. I have no idea how your partner will adjust, if she does follow you. And if you want her along for the ride, do your best so that she doesn't feel like she made the wrong choice going with you.

If you are willing to contemplate hanging around and working an additional 4 years just because you don't want to leave your partner behind, it seems like you're pretty serious about the relationship? If so, then you could also contemplate going for the job, have your partner come along, and take care of all her basic living costs until she gets a new job and can contribute financially - I imagine that wouldn't set you back by much, you would still come out ahead and get to financial independence quicker.

I'd love for this to work out the way that things worked out for you. That's the ideal situation for me, and I'd be more than happy to subsidize the cost of living for her / completely pay for things for some time. I think she's still worried, because should something come up that causes us to break up, she'd be in a very bad place. I wonder if there's anything I can do to alleviate those concerns of hers.

Re: downsides to the job. It's been vetted to me by my friend to be a great place to work. No more hours than I already work, not super stressful, supportive team, and so on. All-in-all, it sounds like it would be a great career move for me.

90k to 250k? Even with Silicon Valley COL, this is a no brainer. The SO makes very little money. Move, beg the SO to go with you. Get married.

Ahahaha, I love how straightforward this suggestion is :) I'm a little worried about marriage (see above)!

even if you don't want to get married, do you want to spend your lives together? If that's the case and you're both confident I would move and bring her with you. She makes peanuts in comparison so you can support her until she finds a job.

...

I think it's too early to say whether we want to spend the rest of our lives together. Maybe? We're both pretty young, we think, so we're just livin' life day by day and not making any plans involving us being together for too far out (on the order of 10+ years).

It's great to hear that you two found a situation that worked for you! It's possible that that could work for us, too, but my SO is very interested in having a source of income for herself to feel independent. She's mentioned that she wants to feel like she could support herself financially, even if we broke up/I died/whatever, which makes a lot of sense to me.

sisto

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 976
  • Age: 50
  • Location: Sacramento, CA
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #15 on: December 22, 2015, 06:22:09 PM »
Have you talked to your SO about looking for a job in the Bay Area? She may very well be able to find a much higher paying job too. You should see if she would be willing to give it a try and go with you.

Exflyboy

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 6548
  • Age: 58
  • Location: Corvallis, Oregon
  • Expat Brit living in the New World..:)
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #16 on: December 22, 2015, 08:04:16 PM »
Having done something like this I can say that if you are comitted to each other then doing the long distance thing just for the money is simply not worth it.

Its miserable (or it was for me). We ultimately didn't make it and divorced after a year.

I certainly wouldn't do it now for any amount of money.. Of course I'm FI so thats easy for me to say.

hoping2retire35

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1401
  • Location: UPCOUNTRY CAROLINA
  • just want to see where this appears
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #17 on: December 22, 2015, 08:26:26 PM »
Ah! Now we get to it. ( using iPad, not doing the whole post and deleting all but this; from op response)

"You're right that it's not about not being that into my SO. Rather, it's a combination of four things:

1. my age (I'm 25; I feel too young to get married)
2. how long we've been dating: 2.5 years. I'd want to be together a bit longer before marriage, I think
3. not thinking that it adds much value to a relationship
4. not knowing too much about how that affects our finances. I think she would own half of everything I own from that point on, which scares me a li'l

With that said, she has said she would feel fine moving if we were married, as that would give her the level of security she needs."

You are nervous about getting married and this is forcing you to confront it, this is the heart of the matter. Well this is a forum of of people with moustaches and we tend to get bossy from time to time. I got married two days before I turned 23 and will celebrate our 10 year anniversary this coming summer. Having said that I was probably a little mature for my age compared to others, in this regard not in others. You must figure out what you want out of life, pretty quickly. Marriage did not change our lives much but kids sure did. You can get married now not be too worried but take a few more years for kids. If you are 25 now, can retire when 28 then you have plenty of time for kids. Lastly, as you think about what you want you can also think about if she is the ONE. Whatever your decision stop bull shitting and make a decision, time is yours and her most important resource.

Trying to give some hard facts with humor, hopefully that was clear with the second sentence in the paragraph.

elaine amj

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3122
  • Location: Ontario
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #18 on: December 22, 2015, 09:36:21 PM »
2.5 years and living together and still not sure?

Admittedly, I have not had the life experiences to really grasp that. My DH knew I was "the one" on our first date. Took me a year to agree. A year after that, we got married - I was 21. 15 years later and it is still the best decision I ever made - I truly scored the best catch ever :)

Ugh - I am sorry. That just didn't come off sounding right. What I am trying to say is - I know u are young. But you are really not all that young. If this is "the one", I would suggest that u not let her go simply because this isn't meeting the timeline in your head. That special someone doesn't come around all that frequently... And you don't want to lose out on a treasure.

mxt0133

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1559
  • Location: San Francisco
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #19 on: December 23, 2015, 12:17:20 AM »
One perspective that has not been mentioned is, say you turned this position down and you do end up getting married would you hold it against her in anyway.  Imagine you do end up being married, have a few kids, get a house, ect, and finances become an issue.  You start resenting your job because you want to spend more time with you family but you have to work X years until you can FIRE.  Would you then resent her for not going with you to have the opportunity to have been FI before kids or much sooner?

Another thing to consider is what if another opportunity presents itself in the future, married or not, and she is unwilling to move for that opportunity.  Would you want to be with someone that does not want to move away from her friends and family?  It seems like you are more willing to get up and go for career opportunities, which might be a problem in the future between the both of you.

One thing that I am hearing from others is that you should just get married so you can convince her to move with you.  DON'T DO IT!  Not if you are not ready for marriage.  I dated my now wife for 12 years before we got married because I was not ready to get married yet.  I know if I would have married her sooner and was pressured into it, I would not be married right now having gone through what we have been through.

If you get an offer and you want to give the position a try, just be as honest with her as you can.  If the relationship is strong enough, I think you can work something out.  Go there for 3 months and give it a shot, if you really like it there then bring her over.  Some people like to take the band-aid of slowly, some like to just rip it off and get it over with.  It seem like she would go with you if you were married, so that means that she has entertained the idea of being married.  That would tell me that the relationship is serious enough that being long distance for 6-12 months should be doable, not easy, but doable.

If she has financial concerns then offer to give her a 'moving bonus' (I'm sure you can put it in more amiable terms) so that financially she would be stuck out west if the relationship doesn't work out. Never mind, that's a really bad idea. 

Good news is you really don't have to make a decision yet as you don't actually have an offer on hand.  But if you do, I'd fly her out there just to check things out and see what she thinks about the place.  Hint, take her to Napa and spend a night or two in the SF, when I did that I wanted to move here immediately from New Jersey.

woopwoop

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 331
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #20 on: December 23, 2015, 09:45:45 AM »
2.5 years and living together and still not sure?
Yeah, that stuck out to me too. I spent seven years dating a guy because neither one of us wanted to get married... turns out that's because we weren't really right for each other. I think this is a good situation to force you to make some tough decisions.

deborah

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8946
  • Location: Australia or another awesome area
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #21 on: December 23, 2015, 03:02:23 PM »
2.5 years and living together and still not sure?
Yeah, that stuck out to me too. I spent seven years dating a guy because neither one of us wanted to get married... turns out that's because we weren't really right for each other. I think this is a good situation to force you to make some tough decisions.
Some people don't make up their minds. SO and I both KNEW we would never marry anyone and didn't have commitment in us. Started dating at uni. We have now been retired for years. It would be easier for inheritance if we were married, but his mother (in her 90s) would never let him forget, because she spent years telling him he should make an honest woman of me.

dachs

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 258
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #22 on: December 23, 2015, 03:38:36 PM »
I don't know if that has already been posted but what if you stay and the relationship doesn't work out? Then you'll have "lost" 4 years of FIRE, an opportunity of you life etc...

mm1970

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7031
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #23 on: December 23, 2015, 03:41:33 PM »
One thing to consider:  There are quite a few well-known big tech companies on the west coast, and of those, several of them have east coast offices - Google's in Pittsburgh, Boston, and NYC;  Facebook's in NYC and they have an Oculus lab in Pittsburgh.  Twitter -- well, I assume you're not talking about Twitter.  (As I type that, I realize you might be, and that I'm being an ass just to get a chuckle.  Sorry.).

If you're getting an offer from BigCorp a, you can probably get an offer from a different BigCorp b that *does* have east coast options.

250k is a fairly standard total compensation package for a mid-career, very good software engineer out here. So don't think that the offer you have is the only one that could hit that range, unless it's something with a wacky mix of your skills and the company that you've found.

Silicon valley has its ups and downs.
Gah! Wishing I could go back to 1988 and change my major...

cars+FIRE

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 54
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #24 on: December 23, 2015, 03:44:43 PM »
In my opinion, at 25 years old and having dated for 2.5 years, that is both old enough and long enough to know if you want to take the relationship to the next step.

I personally would not uproot my life for an SO that I wasn't married (or engaged) to.  Nor would I plan my life around someone that I didn't know if I wanted to be married to.*

In my opinion, things should go one of three ways.

Scenario 1:
You're not committed to each other
Take the job

Scenario 2:
You are committed to each other
She is ok with starting anew on the West Coast
Give her some assurance that you are indeed committed to each other (engagement?)
Take the job and move out together.

Scenario 3:
You are committed to each other
She is not ok with starting anew on the West Coast
You're ok with that and you stay.  (If you weren't committed to each other, you wouldn't be ok with that, and you're back at Scenario 1)

*Note that some people decide they're never getting married but are committed life partners.  For the purposes of this conversation, that is the same as being in the married/engaged camp. 


mm1970

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7031
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #25 on: December 23, 2015, 03:49:28 PM »
Quote
1. my age (I'm 25; I feel too young to get married)
2. how long we've been dating: 2.5 years. I'd want to be together a bit longer before marriage, I think
3. not thinking that it adds much value to a relationship
4. not knowing too much about how that affects our finances. I think she would own half of everything I own from that point on, which scares me a li'l

These were interesting.  My experience:

My husband and I met in the Navy.  I was 22 and he was 24.  When his commitment was up (2 years before mine), he moved from East Coast to West Coast for grad school.  I could not go with him, because I still owed 2 years.

I also told him that I loved him and wanted to marry him, but I would not move cross country if we were not married.

Anyway, he proposed (and no it wasn't the ultimatum) - at that point we'd been dating 2.5 years (see a commonality?)  I was 25.  He was 27.
We married a year later
I moved out a year after that, when my commitment was up.

But it really sucked.  We saw each other every 2-3 months.  We talked daily.  It all worked out in the end (been married 19.5 years now, 2 kids), but man, after awhile - you forget what they feel like/ sound like/ smell like.  We are lucky - damn lucky, actually, that after the 2+ years apart that we drifted right back into our relationship.  It was hard.  I'd forgotten what he was like, really.  It was risky.

That's not an answer, just my experience.

robartsd

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2641
  • Location: Sacramento, CA
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #26 on: December 23, 2015, 04:43:30 PM »
I updated the original post to add in that she'd be moving away from family and friends. I've got family nearby, too, but I'm O.K. with moving away from them. Aside from that, she doesn't particularly love it here, though she likes it. Although the job doesn't pay well, she has a lot of independence there and is making changes at the company to make things run smoother. That feeling of doing meaningful work is of great importance to her, and I know she's worried about being unable to find a job that's equally stimulating.
It's not very difficult to find something meaningful to do if you don't have to worry about money. Even if she moves and has to find a volunteer position in order to satisfy this need, the two of you can come out ahead.

You're right that it's not about not being that into my SO. Rather, it's a combination of four things:

1. my age (I'm 25; I feel too young to get married)
2. how long we've been dating: 2.5 years. I'd want to be together a bit longer before marriage, I think
It is interesting how age and length of relationship prior to marriage can be viewed so differently by different cultures. Understanably deciding at age 25 that you plan to commit the rest of your life (~50+ years) to being with someone you've only been with for 2.5 years is a big decision; but, I don't think you'll have a much better chance of making a better decision by taking more time than you already have. How much have you learned about each other in the past year that really affects that decision compared to how much you learned about each other in the first year - I think there is a law of dimminishing returns on taking time to decide to make someone your life partner.

3. not thinking that it adds much value to a relationship
Your quote below indicates that she may think differently.
With that said, she has said she would feel fine moving if we were married, as that would give her the level of security she needs.

4. not knowing too much about how that affects our finances. I think she would own half of everything I own from that point on, which scares me a li'l
You can do things to protect your assets before you get married. If you do not, she may be entitled to half of everything if the marriage fails. It also is likely easier to protect your pre-marriage assets in the case of divorce than protecting your earnings while married. My dad had an inheritance come while my parents were married, that he was able to keep intact upon divorce because it was never "co-mingled".

I'd love for this to work out the way that things worked out for you. That's the ideal situation for me, and I'd be more than happy to subsidize the cost of living for her / completely pay for things for some time. I think she's still worried, because should something come up that causes us to break up, she'd be in a very bad place. I wonder if there's anything I can do to alleviate those concerns of hers.
You could give her a sum that would ensure she has the resources she needs to move back and get back on her own feet should a break up occur. This could provide some security for her without a full-on marriage commitment.

mozar

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3065
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #27 on: December 23, 2015, 06:58:41 PM »
From all of my life experience up to this point (I'm 33), I think there are people who do want to get married legally and people who don't really. I think 2.5 years is more than enough time to decide. Either you don't want to marry her or you don't want to be married generally.

I wish she were on the forum because I would tell her that she needs to decide whether or not she wants to be with someone who is unsure about her. If she wants kids she has less time than you do and its important that she decide whether she is better off finding someone else who is ready.

JLee

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5703
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #28 on: December 23, 2015, 07:19:28 PM »
250k at 25? Damn.

You could give her $30k/yr, pay for all of your combined expenses, and still come out far ahead of where you are now...

limeandpepper

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4448
  • Location: Australasia
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #29 on: December 23, 2015, 08:12:16 PM »
Perhaps you could move first - just in case it turns out the job doesn't end up being right for you, fantastic as it sounds. I see you're currently living together in the east coast, so during this time you could continue to pay your portion of rent, keeping the place as a backup for you if you decide to return to the east coast within those few months. And in the meantime, she can continue with her current job in the east coast but also look at job opportunities on the west coast as well. If all goes well - you're settling in nicely in the west coast and you're happy with work - then she makes the move as well.

I can understand perfectly her concerns that if she ditches her current job, moves over and has difficulty finding a new job, it would put her in a bad place if the relationship doesn't work out for whatever reason (though I don't imagine it would too problematic for her to get work). But I also don't think you should rush into marriage if it's not what you want at this point in time. That's a tricky one.

darkadams00

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 387
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #30 on: December 23, 2015, 08:59:06 PM »
I dated my SO for 3 years and married her younger than many here including yourself (and she was younger than I). I've had a great time for almost 25 years of marriage. Once you're 25, age is not going to factor into your marital success. Other factors are more likely candidates--your personality, your decision making, your attitudes, your finances, your habits, etc. You're nearing the median age for American marrying men, so almost half are deciding what to do about marriage by your age and many (including me) already had one or more kids. If you're 25 and still struggling, I would say you're not a favorable candidate for marriage--from HER perspective. If I were your spouse, I would be more concerned about your indecision--about marriage, about her, about the job, about the move. Grow a set or borrow some. Have a good talk WITH HER and make the decisions that need to be made. She's not your SO. She's your roommate with benefits. You're afraid to sign over half of what you own to her? Give her someone to admire, someone who would reenter a burning house for her child, someone who would stand between her family and an intruder--and you're worried about half of your finances? And then you ask her to uproot and move across the country with you?

If she were my daughter, I would be telling HER to move on, no matter whether you were making $50K or $250K. Money doesn't make a man. And then your question would be that much simpler.


dess1313

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 441
  • Location: Manitoba Canada
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #31 on: December 24, 2015, 12:44:18 AM »
Quote
I'll likely have to move across the country (east coast to the west coast). The main problem with this is that my SO lives on the east coast with me, and has no reason to go out west with me. Neither of us want to get married, which makes it a bit more risky for her to just drop everything and move out there with me. She did something similar with a previous boyfriend, and they didn't end up working out, so she's (rightfully) worried about the same thing happening again. I completely understand that while this may be a great opportunity for myself, it seems to be a pretty shitty deal for her if she moves with me.

You need to research cost of living.  making a ton more but costing 3xmore to live would be bad.  You'd also be running two households now as well which will cost both of you a lot more.  Actual costs/numbers not estimates.  cable, phone, internet, insurance, etc etc etc etc.

Have you considered asking for a raise where you are?  Are you underpaid for what you do/where you live?  Are there other jobs in your area that you could apply for?  Can you do any of this work remotely?  A 2nd job remotely would be awesome. 

Would you consider doing it for just a year or two then back to where you are now?  With a foreseeable end date this may be much easier to plan for/adjust.  This would depend on your SO's opinion.  You're asking your SO to take a BIG leap and that's only something together both of you can decide.  It depends on their plans and your plans and if you really want to weather this together.

Expatriate

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 40
Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #32 on: December 24, 2015, 01:40:49 AM »
Throwing in my blunt view. You're only 25! Young, relatively unexperienced and with few commitments. I'd take the job without hesitation (and have done so in the past): you're getting a change of scenery and an additional boatload of money with it.

Who's to say your SO cannot find an equal or cooler job over there?! Only way to find out is by taking the plunge. Just make sure to spend an awful lot of time with her when she's getting on her feet.

Disclaimer: I'm mid-30s and have lived in 4 countries the past 12 years, so might be... biased.
« Last Edit: December 24, 2015, 01:48:06 AM by Expatriate »

JLee

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5703
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #33 on: December 24, 2015, 03:21:45 AM »
Quote
I'll likely have to move across the country (east coast to the west coast). The main problem with this is that my SO lives on the east coast with me, and has no reason to go out west with me. Neither of us want to get married, which makes it a bit more risky for her to just drop everything and move out there with me. She did something similar with a previous boyfriend, and they didn't end up working out, so she's (rightfully) worried about the same thing happening again. I completely understand that while this may be a great opportunity for myself, it seems to be a pretty shitty deal for her if she moves with me.

You need to research cost of living.  making a ton more but costing 3xmore to live would be bad.  You'd also be running two households now as well which will cost both of you a lot more.  Actual costs/numbers not estimates.  cable, phone, internet, insurance, etc etc etc etc.

Have you considered asking for a raise where you are?  Are you underpaid for what you do/where you live?  Are there other jobs in your area that you could apply for?  Can you do any of this work remotely?  A 2nd job remotely would be awesome. 

Would you consider doing it for just a year or two then back to where you are now?  With a foreseeable end date this may be much easier to plan for/adjust.  This would depend on your SO's opinion.  You're asking your SO to take a BIG leap and that's only something together both of you can decide.  It depends on their plans and your plans and if you really want to weather this together.

I'm not sure there's anywhere in the US where a $160,000 raise will not more than cover any cost of living differences. I moved from Phoenix to just outside of NYC for a $36k raise and the math made sense.

robartsd

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2641
  • Location: Sacramento, CA
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #34 on: December 24, 2015, 08:45:38 AM »
I'm not sure there's anywhere in the US where a $160,000 raise will not more than cover any cost of living differences. I moved from Phoenix to just outside of NYC for a $36k raise and the math made sense.
I think you'd have trouble finding any pair of places in the world where $160k would not more than cover the COL increase from the less expensive to more expensive for someone with at least some sense of frugality. If wages are proportional to COL, then the more frugal you are the more you seek a HCOL area to build wealth in - unless you want to build your wealth and retire in the same location.

ShoulderThingThatGoesUp

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3057
  • Location: Emmaus, PA
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #35 on: December 24, 2015, 09:43:56 AM »
You're plenty old to get married at 25 and with 2.5 years of relationship.

And her saying she'd move if you were married...to me that's saying "where's the ring, hot shot?" That's a defensible position for a woman to take, in my opinion. After college I had a job lined up in Texas and my at-the-time girlfriend said I needed to commit to her for her to come with me. I did, and I got married to her a few days before my 21st birthday. I have no regrets about that and we have a two-year-old now.

Now if you're not in for marrying her, that's clarifying, too.

Mother Fussbudget

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 832
  • Age: 57
  • Location: Indianapolis, IN
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #36 on: December 24, 2015, 10:02:32 AM »
Take the job.  Move across country.  Once you're in your new job, notice how often you think about your girlfriend - find yourself wanting to talk/Skype with her - find yourself turning your head, and asking her a question (and she's not in the next room, as you wanted). 

You'll soon discern whether you're right for each other once you've got a continent between you, and you've been able to partake in the dating scene in your destination city.

Prairie Stash

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1809
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #37 on: December 24, 2015, 11:03:13 AM »
I would take the job.

It sounds like your scared of the unknown risks and so is she. Take a chance and life rewards you, you'll learn more about yourself by taking this job than by sticking to your routine. After a year you'll know with certainty that she's the one (or not). 25 seems young but it turns into 30, 35, 40 in a blink of the eye, what are you waiting for with your decision, will 1 more year make a difference, will 2? If your still not decided on your relationship by 30 what then? Will you find someone new and start over? Will you marry someone else by 40 and give up on kids? Life is messy and that's great, it keeps you alive and interesting. Anecdotally my wife moved in after 3 months of dating, our intent was to either hate each other and break up quick or find out we could spend our lives together. There isn't much point dancing around the issue of marriage in a relationship, eventually the decision must be made and you move on and find new partners or you take the plunge. If we broke up we would have then found the perfect matches (hopefully) and everyone would ultimately be better off.

Carpe Diem

MayDay

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4035
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #38 on: December 24, 2015, 11:53:55 AM »
Tell the company she needs a job. They should be falling all over themselves to find her a job, if they want you.

HazelStone

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 119
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #39 on: December 24, 2015, 12:23:04 PM »
You've been living together for a year and a half, and you are still not sure? From here it sounds like you are with her because she is comfortable and familiar, more than anything else.

This is why I refused to move in with a guy before being engaged at least, preferably married. And it was a good instinct. When I was 25, a boyfriend of two years dumped me. We had talked of getting engaged, but he wasn't too enthusiastic about it. Ultimately, he didn't want to grow up yet. Hurt like hell. Had I actually moved in with him, how long would I have been in limbo? Almost a decade later, he still isn't married, and his recent engagement fell through.

Don't be that guy. Search your heart and your gut. If you can't articulate any REAL benchmarks where you would pop the question (none of this 'maybe later' stuff), let her down as gently as you can and move on. In accounting there is the concept of "sunk costs." If it is not working, admit it to yourself and end it. Time already spent should not figure into the decision. If, when you think it over, you feel like leaving her would be a horrible horrible mistake, pop the damn question, and mean it.

For my Sweetie, I did move across the country with him, away from all my family. But we were engaged. The date was set. And we were mad about each other. Still are. If you respect her at all, don't waste more of her time, in either direction.

Lanthiriel

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 802
  • Location: Portlandia
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #40 on: December 24, 2015, 10:59:49 PM »
Give her a ring and bring her with you, or break up with her and go. I don't think you have a compelling reason to turn down this job, but asking her to make this big change for you without a solid commitment is a recipe for disaster for HER. Have you decided if you will support her if it takes a while to get a job? How will you split expenses in a HCOL city if she makes significantly less than you? Right now it seems like she would be giving up a lot for someone who isn't sure about his commitment to her, which could result in being stranded on the other side of the country from her support team.

RosieTR

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 396
  • Location: Northern CO
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #41 on: December 26, 2015, 09:14:36 PM »
If you don't want to get married, don't. But the difference between "girlfriend" and "wife" is the difference between thinking of this as a decision for yourself, and thinking of this as a decision for both of you.
To be honest, it doesn't sound like you are ready for the type of thinking that you would do as a married person, or else you think of decision making within the context of a relationship differently than your gf does. If you think you're too young to get married, then you are. Who cares what random strangers on the internet have done? If she's worried about uprooting her whole life for a boyfriend who isn't willing to legally commit himself to a partnership with her, she's right. Maybe there's an underlying not-rightness that's causing the hesitation on both your parts. Listen to it and make your decision from there.

esq

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 296
  • Location: Humble, TX: World's Biggest Oxymoron
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #42 on: December 28, 2015, 07:25:20 AM »
Agree with previous poster who brought up the good point of longterm resentment if you don't take this fantastic opportunity.  For me, it's a no brainer. 

The big question is marriage.  I think at age 25, if you've been together 2.5 years, you know in your heart whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with this girl.  A red flag for me was you bringing up your concern that she'd own half your stuff if you got married.

Question:  If she knew you really, really, wanted to take this job, would she stand in your way?  My own personal opinion and experience:  If it were me, I would consider this an adventure, and I'd go with you, even if it meant I didn't get married.  I would know I could always move back home to friends and family in a couple years' time.  But then again, I didn't marry until I was 33.  Obviously I can't say she'd do the same, nor should you expect her to.  (I did move halfway across the country by myself when I was 25, btw, and it was a grand adventure - and I'm still here.)

GoConfidently

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 210
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #43 on: December 28, 2015, 07:37:55 AM »
You're not ready to marry her, and unless I missed it in one of your later replies, you never said that you are in love with her. You obviously want the job. Break it off with the girl and go take the job. Don't move her across country to a place removed from her entire support system to decide it's just not going to work.

deborah

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8946
  • Location: Australia or another awesome area
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #44 on: December 28, 2015, 01:40:20 PM »
Agree with previous poster who brought up the good point of longterm resentment if you don't take this fantastic opportunity.  For me, it's a no brainer. 

The big question is marriage.  I think at age 25, if you've been together 2.5 years, you know in your heart whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with this girl.  A red flag for me was you bringing up your concern that she'd own half your stuff if you got married.

Question:  If she knew you really, really, wanted to take this job, would she stand in your way?  My own personal opinion and experience:  If it were me, I would consider this an adventure, and I'd go with you, even if it meant I didn't get married.  I would know I could always move back home to friends and family in a couple years' time.  But then again, I didn't marry until I was 33.  Obviously I can't say she'd do the same, nor should you expect her to.  (I did move halfway across the country by myself when I was 25, btw, and it was a grand adventure - and I'm still here.)
I don't think AT ALL that she is standing in his way. Rather, she is saying that she had a bad experience before, and doesn't want to repeat it. Moving by yourself, and moving just to be with someone are two different things. She may be trying to work out how much OP really is interested in her, and if that is the case, he is failing.

aFrugalFather

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 219
    • Life/Finance Blog
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #45 on: December 28, 2015, 01:58:58 PM »
Didn't read through everyone else responses yet, but it seems that it makes sense to do the long distance thing for a little while at least.  You could hate it and then where would you be?  Both miserable.  Long distance for a year is not a big deal, if you really can't make it that long apart, well it may not be meant to be anyway.  My 2 cents would be to make the move and re-evaluate after a year.

TomTX

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3721
  • Location: Texas
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #46 on: December 28, 2015, 05:14:46 PM »

You're right that it's not about not being that into my SO. Rather, it's a combination of four things:

1. my age (I'm 25; I feel too young to get married)
2. how long we've been dating: 2.5 years. I'd want to be together a bit longer before marriage, I think
3. not thinking that it adds much value to a relationship
4. not knowing too much about how that affects our finances. I think she would own half of everything I own from that point on, which scares me a li'l

With that said, she has said she would feel fine moving if we were married, as that would give her the level of security she needs.

I got married at 21. It's now over 20 years later and we're still going strong. We did date 3.5 years before formally getting married, but we were committed to each other long before that. We married after we both got our college degrees (okay, just a few hours later - but unlike another poster here, we finished the degrees and THEN got married.)

My aunt and uncle dated for 7 weeks and got married. That was well over 40 years ago. 42? 43? 44? I should pin it down and make a note. Before I was born anyway.

Axecleaver

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3390
  • Location: New York
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #47 on: December 28, 2015, 06:43:12 PM »
You miss all the shots you don't take.

If you pass up this opportunity, you will regret it for the rest of your life. Do not make that mistake. Take the job, and give it your very best. You may succeed or you may fail. However...

Quote
Lastly, as you think about what you want you can also think about if she is the ONE. Whatever your decision stop bull shitting and make a decision, time is yours and her most important resource.

This is the most insightful comment in the thread. Your post is really a relationship question, not a finance question. So, here's my relationship advice for you.

If you do not know after 2.5 years whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, when do you think this will happen? Figure out right now whether you want to spend the rest of your life with her. If you do, then take your SO out to a nice dinner. Tell her that you've been thinking about this opportunity incessantly and you've come to a decision. You're going to take the job. Let her know how important she is to you, and propose. Give her a nice ring and ask her to support you on this great new adventure.

Ah, to be 25 again. So many open doors. Good luck, OP! Please come back to update us on your adventures.

arebelspy

  • Administrator
  • Senior Mustachian
  • *****
  • Posts: 28132
  • Age: -999
  • Location: Seattle, WA
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #48 on: December 28, 2015, 11:46:33 PM »
Ah, to be 25 again. So many open doors.

Yeah, but that's the OP's problem... they don't want to go through one, because it closes others.  :)

http://zenpencils.com/comic/130-sylvia-plath-the-fig-tree/
We are two former teachers who accumulated a bunch of real estate, retired at 29, spent some time traveling the world full time and are now settled with three kids.
If you want to know more about us, or how we did that, or see lots of pictures, this Business Insider profile tells our story pretty well.
We (rarely) blog at AdventuringAlong.com. Check out our Now page to see what we're up to currently.

kendallf

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1069
  • Age: 53
  • Location: Jacksonville, FL
Re: Opportunity of a lifetime...or is it?
« Reply #49 on: December 29, 2015, 06:20:40 AM »
ARS, I love that comic, but it also made me sad -- Plath obviously made choices, but maybe she saw the withered, unmade ones too clearly.  As Rush says, "if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."

OP whatever path you choose nurture your family ties and those of your SO.  I see plenty of people in the twilight of their careers who'd trade any amount of money for family. 

So as not to end this comment on a Plath-esque down note, some of the people with the best relationships are those who have forged those bonds wherever they found themselves.  You don't have to limit it to the family you're born with, and you don't have to live 5 miles from where you were born!