Preparing for divorce or separation -- dos and don'ts?

[OPNU]

Not sure this is the road I will be traveling, but many of the roadsigns seem to be pointing that way.  Obviously I will consult with a lawyer before taking any substantive action, but wondering if anyone who has made the journey would care to offer their advice on how best to proceed.  Some pertinent background details:

20+ year marriage, community property state, but one spouse has about 200k in individually owned account that has not been mingled with community assets (recent inheritance)

2 kids -- one in college, one in middle school; existing college funds should be sufficient to get both kids through bachelors degrees at state schools

Both spouses FIREd/not currently working; one is old enough to tap retirement accounts without penalty, the other still has several years to go (but community property split evenly should provide enough in taxable accounts for younger spouse to pay expenses until retirement accounts can be tapped penalty free)

Most likely both parties will agree to a cooperative or collaborative approach to the split, but there is a chance one party may get vindictive

[Scotland2016]

Make sure you have copies of statements for every account, preferably for the time period of the "date of separation." If you are both on the titles to the vehicles, get copies of the titles so you have the VIN numbers to include in the decree. The DMV may require it to retitle the vehicle without the other party's cooperation.

[radram]

See a lawyer now. For whatever reasons, the trust is gone from your marriage.

If you want to save it, call a counselor immediately after.

[secondcor521]

Do put the kids first.

Other than the kids, it is now a business negotiation.  Do get a lawyer, don't rely on goodwill of the other party.

Do try to mediate as much as you can.  It is cheaper, faster, easier, and you have more control over the outcome.

Don't do anything rash or stupid.  As much as you may want to, do not denigrate the other party to anyone, especially the children or any extended family.

Don't expect the court to care about who was right or wrong or guilty or good.  All the court will care about is that the kids are given the best situation possible and that the two of you agree to the property division, which will probably be very close to 50/50 even if the other party is an axe murderer.

Do keep the recent inheritance separate; do not comingle or retitle those assets in any way.

Do realize that you don't have to split each individual account or asset 50/50 - as long as the total is 50/50 then the court should be fine with it.

In my state they only care until the kid graduates from high school.  Beyond that, the higher earner should expect to pay child support for the middle school child.  Be aware that each state has child support guidelines that are formulaic - even if the other party wants/needs/expects more, the formula amount is presumed to be correct.

Even though *my* advice is accurate, don't trust what you read on the Internet.  Only trust the law in your state and your attorney.

[Dicey]

Batsignaling @MissNancyPryor and, when he returns from Sin City, @UnleashHell.

[Catbert]

If you're making trade offs so that individual assets aren't divided evenly although it's even overall make sure you understand the tax consequences of each assets.  By that I mean, traditional IRA/401ks are taxed at income rates when taken out while Roth's have no taxes and brokerage account assets are taxed as capital gains and then only the gain.  So 100K in tIRA =/ 100k in brokerage account.

[Milspecstache]

Just recently signed a Marriage Separation Agreement 6 months ago.  Did not use a lawyer but rather a mediator who charged $125/hr, totalling just over a $1,000 when finished.  What helped me was he gave me control of the Word document so I made over 15 revisions by sidebar discussions with ex.  Had he kept sole editing control it would have significantly driven up costs.

She did get a lawyer but my current opinion was that it was a waste of her portion of the assets.

What helped me:
I invested over 40 hours researching online via forums
I started the MSA process by splitting everything as fairly as I could.  The mediator complimented me right off the bat saying I was where most MSAs finish when we first met.  Had I tried to be selfish it would have prolonged the process.  Also allowed me to keep the summary as "If the court splits, here will be outcome (50/50 split) so attorney fees can only reduce the assets".

Just my opinion but believe it was best for my situation.