Author Topic: On inheritance and keeping family peace  (Read 126363 times)

PoutineLover

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Re: On inheritance and keeping family peace
« Reply #100 on: December 14, 2017, 01:31:42 PM »
What are you doing about your situation, PoutineLover?  Are the two siblings who are not in the house pursuing it? You think it'll never happen to you, but it does and it's horrible.  We were always so close before.  As a matter of fact that's exactly what my sister said to my brother last time she reached out to him wondering how it got to this point.  She doesn't see (or refuses to see) the big elephant in the room.
Well the house is on the market, but there haven't been any offers. It needs some major work and the price might be too high. The sibling who lives there has made some payments to the others, but not the full amount. I guess since some effort is being made there isn't too much urgency, although really it's been 6 years and the money would make a difference to the other siblings. Both are not very confrontational and don't want to kick him out, so everyone is kinda in limbo for now. Maybe if the house is relisted for a lower price or if the renovations are done it would sell, but who should pay for that, or take the loss? It's a complicated situation, especially since nobody wants to destroy family relationships over it.

joonifloofeefloo

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Re: On inheritance and keeping family peace
« Reply #101 on: December 14, 2017, 01:48:28 PM »
MagicCarpet, my situation is different from yours -and I think easier- in that the Will Writer is still alive. In my case, I did the following, in this order:

1. After I learned what the Will said, I thought about it for a couple of years, expressing my hurt indirectly (oops!), and did my very best to process my emotions and thoughts in regards to it.

2. I told everyone involved that this was not okay for me.

3. I sat with the Will Writer and told WW how I saw the situation and how I felt about it. (No drama, just gentle, matter of fact, "When you wrote... I felt [name emotions such as sad]. It's hurtful for me. I also think it impairs the Recipient now and later."

4. When Will Writer said that's my issue/problem to deal with, I agreed wholeheartedly. Because that's correct.

5. I felt much more at peace since I had processed all the initial emotions, then talked with Will Writer directly and peacefully and honestly. I then processed my feelings and thoughts about Will Writer's response and decisions, and decided on what relationship I would have with Will Writer.

6. I decided what relationship I would (or would not) have with Recipient and Recipient's enablers -what relationship felt healthy for me, all things considered.

7. I reorganized my finances to recognize Recipient's material position, Recipient's Enablers material positions, that I may receive nothing and must, in fact, be prepared to continue a financial life unaided by Family.

So, it was three-fold:

i. Communicating peacefully but honestly and directly with each person involved.
ii. Processing my emotions and thoughts. (Hard work! Including counselling at points.)
iii. Reorganizing my finances to reflect this newly-understood reality (financial self-care).

I surely know how emotionally fraught an unequal gifting can be, and how that can -quite naturally- change relationships. The whole thing is sad. But an unequal gifting is a tool for assessing:

*how am I treated by this person and that person?
*how good/acceptable does it feel for me to be treated this way?
*if not good, how can I rearrange my life to feel truly, deeply well and joyful, regardless of other people's decisions?

A shitty arrangement is an opportunity to assess and work though these pieces, so we can subsequently have a great life.

I, too, heartily recommend the books on boundaries and codependency. More than about unconscious enabling of another, they help us dig into our own Stuff and reorganize our internal state and relational positions so that what others do becomes less intense a matter for us.

ohsnap

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Re: On inheritance and keeping family peace
« Reply #102 on: December 14, 2017, 04:16:34 PM »
...
I'm 99% sure this would mean the end whatever relationship is left with my family.  I feel sick about not being able to see my 8yo nephew anymore.  She will absolutely cut off contact with him just like she did last time.  And in a way I feel like I'm hurting him too by doing this. He's innocent in all of this.
...

I just wanted to point out: YOU are not hurting him.  Your sister is hurting him.  She is dishonest (basically been stealing from you & your brother since 2009) and manipulative (holding the family relationship hostage to you allowing her to continue to steal the familial home).

Why yes I'm in a similar situation, but with Will Writers still alive...I foresee trouble ahead when Will Writers pass.   I feel for you.  Good luck with the lawyer.

MagicCarpet

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Re: On inheritance and keeping family peace
« Reply #103 on: December 14, 2017, 04:29:20 PM »
Thanks jooniFLORisploo.  That's a tough situation, but it sounds like you managed to work through it.  I think I've done steps 1&2, also indirectly!  But now the message is loud and clear and we're not being heard.  I'm not sure how I'd feel in your situation, where it's, in a way, out of your hands.  In this case my dad left it to all of us so in essence my sister is 'stealing' our inheritance and having a very entitled attitude on top of it all.

As far as communicating peacefully she is not capable of that.  It is truly like the Jerry Springer show with her and my niece - fistfights, shoplifting, court appearances (mostly by niece) for witness intimidation and threat to commit a crime.  "Reasoning" is not in their vocabulary.

I see your point and I am definitely able to create a drama-free, healthy, happy life independent of this. I need to distance myself from them at the very least.  I will read that book because I've found myself in the "doormat" role in other situations also. I'm 51 and I'm hoping it's not too late to turn that around.  Thanks for the suggestions.  I'm glad you were able to find peace.

PoutineLover I envy your situation haha.  Sounds like there's at least a recognition that something needs to be done and a willingness by all to move forward in one way or another, and all without lawyers or courts involved?  That's tough about the repairs though.  Is it a realtor or the live-in sibling setting the asking price?

PoutineLover

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Re: On inheritance and keeping family peace
« Reply #104 on: December 14, 2017, 05:07:17 PM »
PoutineLover I envy your situation haha.  Sounds like there's at least a recognition that something needs to be done and a willingness by all to move forward in one way or another, and all without lawyers or courts involved?  That's tough about the repairs though.  Is it a realtor or the live-in sibling setting the asking price?
I'm not sure how they came up with the price, but I get the sense that the sibling won't accept lower. There's an option to do the renovations then charge more than the cost, but that's a bit of a gamble and requires money up front. Nobody wants to involve lawyers, I'm sure it will eventually get sorted without too many hard feelings since at least there's no ill will. Your situation is a lot worse, that's way too much drama and I'd be super pissed.

joonifloofeefloo

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Re: On inheritance and keeping family peace
« Reply #105 on: December 14, 2017, 05:08:54 PM »
In this case my dad left it to all of us so in essence my sister is 'stealing' our inheritance and having a very entitled attitude on top of it all.

This is true in my case too, except with a clause that one may occupy for as long as Person feels the need.

Guess how long [healthy, capable, well positioned] Recipient is likely to continue to feel the need?

As far as communicating peacefully she is not capable of that.

The only person who needs to communicate peacefully is you. If others are wild, it can mean writing a peaceful, direct letter. It might mean saying peaceful, direct words then ducking oranges being thrown at you while you exit the aggression.

I'm 51 and I'm hoping it's not too late to turn that around.

Definitely not too late :)

MagicCarpet

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Re: On inheritance and keeping family peace
« Reply #106 on: December 15, 2017, 04:47:51 PM »
jooniFLORisploo, that clause is really way too vague. Was that prepared by an attorney?  I'd be surprised if they let a loophole like that through.  It's like an invitation for someone to take advantage.  Is there more than one recipient and do you have good relationships with them otherwise?

Thanks ohsnap for saying it's not my fault about my nephew.  That's the worst part of this.  I can't believe my sister is okay with doing that to him either, we are/were very close and he was always asking to come see me.

I dropped off the retainer agreement and check to attorney today.  I wish it wasn't the holidays, it's making all this extra painful.  As dysfunctional as most of them are all I can picture is them celebrating together while I'm left out.  If anything if fuels my anger for my sister even more and is making this easier to move forward with.

Thanks again for all your responses.  I wish I heard the ending of OP's story.