non-mustachian wedding views (the parents)

[rujancified]

Ooh...  mason jar cobblers.  that sounds like a fantastic idea - if not for the wedding then for some other time (we're having a smaller casual grill session at a lake pavillion in lieu of the stodgy 'rehearsal dinner'). Were the cobblers baked directly in the mason jars?

What's been so enlightening to me is who in my family turns out to have the most traditional ideas about weddings.  I would normally describe my parents as liberal-leaning and very relaxed, but there is something about saying the word "wedding" that instantly triggers a cascade of thoughts and expectations in their heads.  Before now, I never would have suspected it.

yeah, a bit odd how such money comes with strings-attached.  my parents told us they were willing to contribute far more, but at the expense of it all going towards thigns we didn't really want, like the second photographer or table service.  By politely declining we get to have more of the ceremony we want, and they keep all their money.  I guess that's fair :-)  Our use for it would be exceedingly dull - paying off the last of our student loans.

Yes - baked right in the mini jars. This is a post from a guest at my wedding who made the cobblers for another wedding recently:

http://countrydesignhome.com/tag/mason-jar-cobblers/

Ours were fall-flavors (cherry, apple, pumpkin?) and these are more summery with berries.

Re: tradition. OY. I assumed my liberal Massachusetts parents would be open to looser interpretation of the wedding rules (especially when compared to my husbands more conservative southern family), but NO WAY. My dad was very caught up in the "I'm hosting this party, it needs to look like this other person's event" thinking. 

We were getting married in our 30s & we both already owned property. We had our own ideas and our own money, so we ended up paying for the things we really valued/wanted (for example: there was no way they were paying for any part of my outfit) and using the parental contributions for the extras.  That's a bit of a cop-out in terms of your original question, but it was the best way to avoid additional conflict.

Your rehearsal and wedding sound awesome! Congratulations & Good luck!

[ivyhedge]

One question:  we've agreed on the fee she suggested.  We will get the original RAW files and she will post selected images online for 1 year; anyone can order prints through the website and she gets a small amount from each print (we won't undercut her by giving the images away and letting people print them at CostCo) - now we are wondering what you would consider an appropriate tip for someone working for 6 hours. She is part of a small photography company (she's the youngest and most junior member - I think there are 4-5 photographers total in the business).  Does the 15-20% rule still hold for photographers?

If you receive the raw files make sure you have a solid workflow with some macros to process preliminary shots that you like.


Unfortunately, unless she's an equity partner, then she will only get a gig salary for the event (nothing for extras, prints, books, items, etc). Aside from dinner (remember that she and her assistant should get a plate to eat behind closed doors), you'll need to be careful. If she's your friend, I'd suggest a private dinner with her or personalized thank you gift. Any monetary transaction could be seen as higher fee workaround between you and her company and that won't be good for her.

[nereo]

u]we are wondering what you would consider an appropriate tip for someone working for 6 hours. [/u] She is part of a small photography company (she's the youngest and most junior member - I think there are 4-5 photographers total in the business).  Does the 15-20% rule still hold for photographers?

If you receive the raw files make sure you have a solid workflow with some macros to process preliminary shots that you like.

Unfortunately, unless she's an equity partner, then she will only get a gig salary for the event (nothing for extras, prints, books, items, etc). Aside from dinner (remember that she and her assistant should get a plate to eat behind closed doors), you'll need to be careful. If she's your friend, I'd suggest a private dinner with her or personalized thank you gift. Any monetary transaction could be seen as higher fee workaround between you and her company and that won't be good for her.

Thanks for the tips. With regard to workflow, that's not a problem.  In order to respect those actually making their livelihoods via photography I can't consider myself anything more than an enthusiast now, but I do have a BFA in photography and spent two years as a freelance photographer before deciding that's not how I wanted to spend the next 20 years of my life.

Regarding how she's paid, your comments have made me realize I need to revisit that relationship a bit closer.  She's actually a friend of my fiancée; I know her more as an aquintance.  We are family friends of the owner of the studio as well, but thankfully he was already booked so there was no akwardness about not using his services.  Our conversation with the photographer occurred over sandwiches at a deli and was very informal.  She said "of course I'll shoot your wedding" and gave us a very reasonable quote. We suspect she's giving us a friends' discount since it's lower than anything else we came across, but she's insistent that is how much she thinks is fair.
I can't even say for certain whether she's doing this through her studio or entirely as a freelance project.  Given our closeness with the owner I doubt it would be a problem but I should find out this week before we inadvertantly ruffle anyone's feathers.

[Cpa Cat]

I'm morbidly facinated by your 10 year anniversary designed to look like a traditional wedding, with a cake and photogrpaher and flowers.  Did you wear another dress from Sears?  This seems as strange to me as if someone decided to throw me a graduation party now, 10 years later.  I hope there were some good memories involved.

Oh no. We were not aware that this fake wedding was planned. It was a surprise fake wedding. We turned up expecting an anniversary party.

It really creeped me out.

She even had my brother in law give a "best man" speech. And when my husband pointed out that someone else had been the best man, she told him he was remembering wrong. It was like an episode of the Twilight Zone.

In the car, on the way home, my husband says, "Seriously - So-and-So was my best man at our wedding, right?" And when I assured him he was correct, he just said, "I can't believe that just happened."

[nereo]

Oh no. We were not aware that this fake wedding was planned. It was a surprise fake wedding. We turned up expecting an anniversary party.

It really creeped me out.

She even had my brother in law give a "best man" speech. And when my husband pointed out that someone else had been the best man, she told him he was remembering wrong. It was like an episode of the Twilight Zone.

In the car, on the way home, my husband says, "Seriously - So-and-So was my best man at our wedding, right?" And when I assured him he was correct, he just said, "I can't believe that just happened."

O - M - G.  A secret fake wedding?  That's..... intense.  The only thing more creepy would be if she had thrown you an actual surprise wedding.  Not to make light of your situation, but you've given me a new perspective that any requests, expectations or demands our family has put on our wedding could have been so much worse.

[Sunnymo]

we're also requesting family and friends NOT to take photos during our ceremony, as we hate to see everyone staring through their cameraphones & P&S cameras.

Hi Nereo,

As someone who has recently attended an 'unplugged' wedding I would like to tell a story and offer a suggestion/variation...

The story: The officiant made it clear that the couple did not want photos during the ceremony AT ALL so that everyone could be present throughout the vows etc. I snuck in a couple of shot but for the most part honoured the request (others were also taking SOME photos). There was a photographer crawling everywhere getting lots of shots.

About a month later the bride put an SOS up on FB desperate for wedding photos as they weren't happy with the professional shots.

My suggestion: Have the officiant announce that guests are welcome to take photos prior to the ceremony and of the bride's entrance (if you are doing that) and then again when you are presented as newlyweds but DURING the ceremony no photos please. This would seem to strike a balance, but maybe make it clear that no posting to FB until you have done so (the bride in this case did have to ask some guest to take down photos they had posted ahead of them).

In this case the bride has just posted about 100 photos on FB so it seems that from the guest contributions she has managed to put together an album that she is happy with.

[Cpa Cat]

O - M - G.  A secret fake wedding?  That's..... intense.  The only thing more creepy would be if she had thrown you an actual surprise wedding.  Not to make light of your situation, but you've given me a new perspective that any requests, expectations or demands our family has put on our wedding could have been so much worse.

You should make light of my situation. While intensely awkward at the time, it is pretty funny in retrospect.

The moral of my story* is that if you don't let people take over your first wedding, the worst that will happen is that a decade later, you will be surprised with a secret fake wedding. Now you have to decide if that's something you can handle.

* (I suppose the real moral of my story may be that some people REALLY care about weddings and there may be compromises that bring them great joy, without actually detracting from your own enjoyment of your wedding.)

[Fatmouse]

I just wanted to offer a personal experience: Five years after our wedding my dad still frequently comments that it was one of his happiest days. We picked the things that really mattered to us, like writing the ceremony to align with our values and choosing the music, and we DIY'd a ton of things, but we still did a traditional $20,000+ deal because it is what the family expected and what my dad wanted to pay for. My dad loved it--he loved paying for it, and he loved seeing the two families have such a great time.

Our reception was not the place to do some sort of show of our true thrifty values (heck, my dad has the same values in daily life). My parents threw us the type of wedding we wanted, but it was still them throwing the party and I wasn't about to take that away from them by making specific requests about how much everything should cost.

Parents may not plan to pay for their children's weddings or may want to but may not have the money. At that point I absolutely would have paid myself and had a very different type of party. But in my situation I couldn't see trying to proscribe a specific budget on my father when he was the one who wanted to throw the party for us and our families. KWIM? It turned out great, we had a great time, and it was ONE day. It was the ONE elaborate and expensive party he will ever throw in his life.

I always see a lot of commentary on this subject that says that couples should be able to do exactly what they want because it is their wedding. I am sure all cultures treat this differently, but in ones where the parents plan to/ want to be the ones throwing the party there is still something to be said for letting them contribute in the way they want to and not making it just about what I/ we want. It almost seems like there is this trend of making weddings the couples' declaration of their values to the world, when I really just see it as a party for your family/friends to celebrate your marriage. If you're throwing it, by all means be as thrifty as you want. But if someone else is contributing? Let them be a part of the conversation...

This thread is old, and the quoted poster may not see it.  But wow!  I am getting married very soon at a lavish event so far from my frugal habits, I have wondered if I can even enjoy it.  This finally articulated for me the reason I have not pulled the plug on it all and eloped.  I haven't actually even protested much.  I couldn't figure out why I feel so uncomfortable, but yet why my instincts were telling me not to upset the apple cart.  The instinct has been telling me that being negative about certain choices my parents are making would hurt them.

It's nice to think that five years from now, my mom will still be talking about the huge bouquet with two dozen roses that I carried down the aisle.  It is "just one day", but also it isn't.

[lifejoy]

I just wanted to offer a personal experience: Five years after our wedding my dad still frequently comments that it was one of his happiest days. We picked the things that really mattered to us, like writing the ceremony to align with our values and choosing the music, and we DIY'd a ton of things, but we still did a traditional $20,000+ deal because it is what the family expected and what my dad wanted to pay for. My dad loved it--he loved paying for it, and he loved seeing the two families have such a great time.

Our reception was not the place to do some sort of show of our true thrifty values (heck, my dad has the same values in daily life). My parents threw us the type of wedding we wanted, but it was still them throwing the party and I wasn't about to take that away from them by making specific requests about how much everything should cost.

Parents may not plan to pay for their children's weddings or may want to but may not have the money. At that point I absolutely would have paid myself and had a very different type of party. But in my situation I couldn't see trying to proscribe a specific budget on my father when he was the one who wanted to throw the party for us and our families. KWIM? It turned out great, we had a great time, and it was ONE day. It was the ONE elaborate and expensive party he will ever throw in his life.

I always see a lot of commentary on this subject that says that couples should be able to do exactly what they want because it is their wedding. I am sure all cultures treat this differently, but in ones where the parents plan to/ want to be the ones throwing the party there is still something to be said for letting them contribute in the way they want to and not making it just about what I/ we want. It almost seems like there is this trend of making weddings the couples' declaration of their values to the world, when I really just see it as a party for your family/friends to celebrate your marriage. If you're throwing it, by all means be as thrifty as you want. But if someone else is contributing? Let them be a part of the conversation...

This thread is old, and the quoted poster may not see it.  But wow!  I am getting married very soon at a lavish event so far from my frugal habits, I have wondered if I can even enjoy it.  This finally articulated for me the reason I have not pulled the plug on it all and eloped.  I haven't actually even protested much.  I couldn't figure out why I feel so uncomfortable, but yet why my instincts were telling me not to upset the apple cart.  The instinct has been telling me that being negative about certain choices my parents are making would hurt them.

It's nice to think that five years from now, my mom will still be talking about the huge bouquet with two dozen roses that I carried down the aisle.  It is "just one day", but also it isn't.

This is exactly how I feel about my wedding dress. I feel so uncomfortable about it, but know my mom will cherish that memory forever.


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[kyanamerinas]

I just wanted to offer a personal experience: Five years after our wedding my dad still frequently comments that it was one of his happiest days. We picked the things that really mattered to us, like writing the ceremony to align with our values and choosing the music, and we DIY'd a ton of things, but we still did a traditional $20,000+ deal because it is what the family expected and what my dad wanted to pay for. My dad loved it--he loved paying for it, and he loved seeing the two families have such a great time.

Our reception was not the place to do some sort of show of our true thrifty values (heck, my dad has the same values in daily life). My parents threw us the type of wedding we wanted, but it was still them throwing the party and I wasn't about to take that away from them by making specific requests about how much everything should cost.

Parents may not plan to pay for their children's weddings or may want to but may not have the money. At that point I absolutely would have paid myself and had a very different type of party. But in my situation I couldn't see trying to proscribe a specific budget on my father when he was the one who wanted to throw the party for us and our families. KWIM? It turned out great, we had a great time, and it was ONE day. It was the ONE elaborate and expensive party he will ever throw in his life.

I always see a lot of commentary on this subject that says that couples should be able to do exactly what they want because it is their wedding. I am sure all cultures treat this differently, but in ones where the parents plan to/ want to be the ones throwing the party there is still something to be said for letting them contribute in the way they want to and not making it just about what I/ we want. It almost seems like there is this trend of making weddings the couples' declaration of their values to the world, when I really just see it as a party for your family/friends to celebrate your marriage. If you're throwing it, by all means be as thrifty as you want. But if someone else is contributing? Let them be a part of the conversation...

This thread is old, and the quoted poster may not see it.  But wow!  I am getting married very soon at a lavish event so far from my frugal habits, I have wondered if I can even enjoy it.  This finally articulated for me the reason I have not pulled the plug on it all and eloped.  I haven't actually even protested much.  I couldn't figure out why I feel so uncomfortable, but yet why my instincts were telling me not to upset the apple cart.  The instinct has been telling me that being negative about certain choices my parents are making would hurt them.

It's nice to think that five years from now, my mom will still be talking about the huge bouquet with two dozen roses that I carried down the aisle.  It is "just one day", but also it isn't.

This is exactly how I feel about my wedding dress. I feel so uncomfortable about it, but know my mom will cherish that memory forever.


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same here. i would be happy to pay for my own wedding or to scale things back that my parents are planning and paying for but every time they say 'we want you to have this, this is what our parents gave us'. it will be a wonderful, mad day. not bonkers but not frugal. and it makes me realise how much they love my fiance and support our marriage. not that i need their money to know that but .

[RetiredAt63]

It's hard to find comfortable dressy shoes - if you like that pair, good for you!  Better than standing there in new shoes, thinking "my feet are killing me!"

side note: my un-mustachian sister is aghast that I plan on wearing the same dressy shoes that I bought for my SIL's wedding, because they aren't new (!)  I've worn them twice so far. Just another way my choices seem to be upsetting the status-quo.

[lazysundays]

The person who throws $ at it has a right to add their input.  Remind them again that you got this and the bill and suggest that they save the $ they want to save on the wedding in a 529 for future grandkids (whether yours or siblings' in you don't kids).  As I was reading how your siblings had a fancy wedding and didn't seem to enjoy it, I wondered how mich input the parents had in those weddings that ultimately it was the parents' dream wedding and not the bride/grooms'.

[lifejoy]

O - M - G.  A secret fake wedding?  That's..... intense.  The only thing more creepy would be if she had thrown you an actual surprise wedding.  Not to make light of your situation, but you've given me a new perspective that any requests, expectations or demands our family has put on our wedding could have been so much worse.

You should make light of my situation. While intensely awkward at the time, it is pretty funny in retrospect.

The moral of my story* is that if you don't let people take over your first wedding, the worst that will happen is that a decade later, you will be surprised with a secret fake wedding. Now you have to decide if that's something you can handle.

* (I suppose the real moral of my story may be that some people REALLY care about weddings and there may be compromises that bring them great joy, without actually detracting from your own enjoyment of your wedding.)

Best story ever. AND well told. :D

[lifejoy]

It's hard to find comfortable dressy shoes - if you like that pair, good for you!  Better than standing there in new shoes, thinking "my feet are killing me!"

side note: my un-mustachian sister is aghast that I plan on wearing the same dressy shoes that I bought for my SIL's wedding, because they aren't new (!)  I've worn them twice so far. Just another way my choices seem to be upsetting the status-quo.

I haven't tested them yet, but because of the open toe and low heel, these seem pretty good: http://www.ebay.com/itm/Anette-White-Dyeable-Satin-Low-Heel-Wedge-Peep-Toe-Womens-Dress-Wide-Width-Shoes-/360967880254?pt=US_Women_s_Shoes&var=630312711609&hash=item540b5cbe3e