Author Topic: nm  (Read 3804 times)

purplish

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nm
« on: October 11, 2014, 04:10:29 PM »
nm
« Last Edit: October 27, 2014, 07:33:28 PM by purplish »

mm1970

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Re: SO not on board, really frustrating. Advice? Ideas?
« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2014, 04:24:26 PM »
Well, maybe not break up but...certainly don't marry him until he corrects his overspending.

Janie

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Re: SO not on board, really frustrating. Advice? Ideas?
« Reply #2 on: October 11, 2014, 04:29:38 PM »
At a minimum I'd stop "helping" him by lending money, handling returns, etc. I'd avoid joint purchases, especially major ones.


swick

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Re: SO not on board, really frustrating. Advice? Ideas?
« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2014, 04:31:26 PM »
Hi Purplish,

There are quite a few versions of this question on the forums, if you use the search field. There is TONS of great suggestions and discussions which might help :)

cakie

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Re: SO not on board, really frustrating. Advice? Ideas?
« Reply #4 on: October 11, 2014, 04:38:21 PM »
I think it's great he wants to stop using the credit cards all together - sounds like he needs practice at thinking before he makes impulse purchases!

Try to encourage him when he takes initiative to improve, but like Janie said, you can't keep helping him fix his problems. You need to maintain completely separate finances.

It's like with kids: if you never let them take risks, try and fail, they never learn...plus it will put less strain on the relationship if you aren't constantly giving him financial advice (he may start acting defensive, and then you won't get anywhere)

If he asks for advice re: budgets, making decisions, give your opinion. Don't get involved beyond this. You will help just by being a good role model with money. And please don't buy anything substantial with him (house, etc.)

Janie

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Re: SO not on board, really frustrating. Advice? Ideas?
« Reply #5 on: October 11, 2014, 04:43:09 PM »
I see what you're saying, but it did end up being a loan, whether you meant it to be or not. Honestly, I would put joint financial aspects of your relationship on hold. You shouldn't need to rescue him from himself or handle his responsibilities.

ambimammular

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Re: SO not on board, really frustrating. Advice? Ideas?
« Reply #6 on: October 11, 2014, 06:17:29 PM »
It sucks though cause I really would like to get a house with him :(  I know if I said I could be the one to buy the house and he pay rent that he would not like that idea, he also wants to have a home with me.  It also would make me feel a bit resentful if I had to be the one to buy the house, knowing that he actually makes MORE than me!  While he would just probably continue to buy frivolous things for himself.  But he does pay me rent, and would never try to take advantage of me or anything.

Don't think of it like you're the one who has to buy the house; you are a property owner with a reliable tenant. And he's not buying anything worth being envious of. At the end of the paycheck he's left with knick knacks and happy meal toys, while you're building equity!

If you tell him you're waiting to get serious about him until he gets his financial life in order, it may be the kick he needs to get serious about his spending.

socaso

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Re: SO not on board, really frustrating. Advice? Ideas?
« Reply #7 on: October 11, 2014, 07:19:26 PM »
I know you say he is a good guy and I don't doubt you but you have to remember that part of the reason you decided to live together was to try each other out as partners. Now you are finding out up close and personal something that could be a major problem if you are not on the same page. You are serious enough that you talk about marriage so you must not allow yourself to become engaged unless he starts to address this in a real way. This will only become a more contentious issue. I think the idea of you buying a house and him becoming your renter might really drive the point home for him. If he just can't stand it, give him a deadline. Tell him you want to buy a house with him but if he can't get his half of the down payment together in 6 months or a year or whatever is reasonable in your area then you are going to move forward with purchasing a home because it is a goal that means a lot to you and you don't want to put it on hold indefinitely.

2Birds1Stone

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Re: SO not on board, really frustrating. Advice? Ideas?
« Reply #8 on: October 11, 2014, 08:08:21 PM »
The dude sounds like dead weight. After 4 years in a serious relationship and living together for almost the entire time.....I can say from experience that clicking on the financial level is VERY important in the long term.

Elderwood17

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Re: SO not on board, really frustrating. Advice? Ideas?
« Reply #9 on: October 11, 2014, 08:13:21 PM »
You have some things to work through as even though he says he wants to save his actions are saying the opposite.  I would at a minimum slow down the idea of buying a place together or moving the relationship any deeper (eg marriage) until his actions match his talk and you know you are compatible - or at least more compatible - in this very critical area called personal finance.

Good luck!

mozar

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Re: SO not on board, really frustrating. Advice? Ideas?
« Reply #10 on: October 11, 2014, 08:35:08 PM »
Your going to have to do some really really painful soul searching. Actions speak louder than words. I'm sure he loves you very much, which is why he is saying the things you want to hear. But love is not enough. Marriage is (should be) built on a foundation of compatibility and shared values. If you are not financially compatible it's not going to work.

No matter how much you love each other resentment is poison in a relationship.

So things to try. Step back, don't do ANYTHING for him. See what he does. If he goes right back to spending like crazy, there is your answer. Ask yourself: Do you want to marry an adult or do you want to marry someone who acts like a child?
 Sure, I know couples where one is financially responsible and the other is spendthrift. They argue all the time and seem miserable. Is that what you want? Do you want to put your future on hold forever? Do you want to worry about how much he spends on clothes forever?

daymare

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Re: SO not on board, really frustrating. Advice? Ideas?
« Reply #11 on: October 11, 2014, 09:12:41 PM »
First, can you explain why you're interested in buying a new place with your SO when you already own a condo (that you live in)?  Presumably since you bought it, it fits your needs, does it not fit your needs as a couple?  I feel like being the sole owner puts you in a more secure position than owning property with someone who is (potentially) unreliable.

On the other hand, for some reason I'm not feeling as concerned as some of the other posters.  I'm glad your SO is an awesome person in your eyes.  I also think that it's fine if a couple has different strengths - you can be a really powerful force when varied skills are combined.  If your SO is genuinely interested in being more responsible, I think it's worth a discussion on how you can help.  I, for one, sometimes really appreciate when my husband keeps me accountable for certain things - a well placed 'weren't you going on a run today?' or 'Isn't your exam in 2 days?' can kick me in gear when I'm being a bum.  On the other hand, sometimes those comments come off as nag-y and are unwanted, so tread carefully.

So could you discuss whether any of the below actions (just my suggestions) could be helpful, or come up with some that are?
1) He cuts up his cards and you watch
2) He gives you his CCs to keep away from him (like when I made my husband change my Amazon password so I could no longer stream The Good Wife ... I knew I had to stop, but couldn't commit solely via self control)
3) Input his cards on Mint where you can monitor ... perhaps knowing you see all can be good motivation
4) Make a budget together and meet regularly
5) Make it a contest in a certain category as to who spends less (maybe give him a handicap like in tennis matches) then winner gets a massage from loser?
6) Delay gratification by committing to a nice dinner at the end of the month together if you both spend no money on eating out (or are below a certain threshold)
7) Set up a one-in one-out policy for clothes .. declutter what you haven't worn in a year, get him to think before he buys anything new
8) Take turns planning creative dates that cost less than 10 dollars (or X dollars) to both get in the spirit of appreciating the free/inexpensive things in life, and rely less on expensive entertainment
9) Ask him to try a low-spending 'diet' for some short period of time ... no commitments beyond that, but maybe a good way to get him to realize you don't need to spend to have a good life
10) Be the change you want to see ... prepare lunches for you both if you want him to eat out less (and be more thoughtful when he does), invite friends for dinners in (instead of out) and do most of the prep work

I think also that you need to be really honest with him about how finances could potentially impact your future.  It's true that if you guys have wildly different values and ideas on how to spend money, that could cause a lot of friction in the future.  Problems like that tend to only get worse (or else they stay the same and you try to be better at bearing them).  I just generally feel like honesty is the best policy, and maybe emotions/feelings will speak to him more than the cold hard language of finances.  For instance, as a woman (and the more organized person in my partnership, with better memory and the one who does more of the social organizing) I have a lot of concerns about equality and how burdens will fall especially if we have children, so I talk to my husband a lot about that.  And beyond the talking, it's both of us acting with our best foot forward that prepares us for big moves like that - ie, when he does an equal share of cooking (ok, more) and cleaning, and all that other stuff, his actions convince me.  The words are just an additional layer that helps.

So talk to your SO and give him the opportunity to understand how you feel, how finances affect you, and to be the partner you need.  If you haven't been vocal, since he isn't a mind-reader, he may not understand how deep your feelings go.  To many people, his behavior wouldn't seem odd or unusual or particularly irresponsible -- he probably doesn't think he's that irresponsible.  He may very well have the ability to change.  Plenty of us started with quite a different head space than we're in now.  Good luck and keep us updated!