My girlfriend's family has been in a downward spiral for several years. We desperately want to help them, but they live 2 hours away and we really don't know where to start. So I suggested that we ask here, knowing that there's likely a lot of good advice to be found in the collective wisdom of the Mustachians. The gist is that her family is in a state of perpetual financial crisis, the kids are out of control, her mother lives with a dangerously high stress level, and the family dynamic is generally dysfunctional. And it has been getting steadily worse for years.
My girlfriend is 23 and has six younger siblings, ages 1, 3, 12, 12, 14, and 16. She also has an older brother who moved across the country as soon as he turned 18 and is not interested in helping his family. These 8 kids all have the same mother but there are three different fathers. The father of the four middle children was removed from the house many years ago and committed suicide last year. The father of the oldest two kids (my girlfriend and her older brother) is a deadbeat alcoholic who is not in the picture anymore (he's pretty much a shell of a human being at this point). The current baby daddy, father of the youngest two, is at least a decent guy who cares about his kids and can hold down a job. However, he's not the kind of leader and father figure the kids badly need and it's not clear whether he and the mother are going to move in together (maybe not a good idea as the two have major incompatibilities). The mother is unfailingly devoted to her kids and wants what's best for the family, but (needless to say) her judgment is not the best.
The situation with the kids is a total mess. The 14-year-old has serious mental and emotional issues. She has a penchant for turning small arguments into out-of-control verbal wars in which she'll say the most hurtful things she can possibly think of. Many of these fights have ended with the police being called to the house, and at least once she was taken away to an emergency youth shelter. She is extremely withdrawn from the family, spending hours in front of the computer every day. She has not been to school in over a year – she refuses to go and nothing (including a lot of therapy and police involvement) has been effective in forcing her to do so. The two 12-year-olds recently discovered weed (one was caught trying to grow it in the house). The kids do pretty much whatever they want – yelling has become the mother's only tool in trying to control them, and they seem to have become immune to it. When my girlfriend still lived with them, she did a lot to help keep things under control. Unfortunately her 16-year-old sister has not stepped up to fill her shoes (in fact she avoids being at home as much as she can).
The only good thing I have to say about their financial situation is that (as far as we know) they don't have any debt. Both parents have no savings, and it's clear that they just don't understand the purpose of trying. Money is for spending, and anything left over is for buying things to combat the stress of everyday life. Leftover money is immediately spent on takeout, fancy organic groceries, gasoline, and little things that just aren't necessary. Nobody eats leftovers (food is always left out till it spoils, the mother refuses to own a microwave for quasi-religious reasons, the baby daddy thinks he and his kids are too good to eat old food…) The mother has not had a full-time job in over a year. As far as I know she's not actively looking for work (at least, not with any sense of urgency). Most of the family's income is in the form of government benefits and social security payments from the father who killed himself. I think the current baby daddy makes around $50k, but with his financial habits I don’t think he contributes much money to the family.
The mother really wants something different for herself and her family, but her worldview/culture has kept the necessary radical changes out of reach. She does not seem to believe that in the long run one's situation is the product of their beliefs, habits, and actions – instead she takes stock in some form of "destiny" and the "law of attraction". She obsesses over BS health problems (fluoride in the water, microwaves, a million other things that "may be" linked with cancer) while ignoring some that actually matter (insane stress levels, kids don't brush their teeth despite eating a standard sugary American diet). She absolutely does not perceive the link between one's financial habits and one's circumstances in the long term. Hopefully she won't have any more kids (her attention and financial resources get stretched thinner and thinner with each one), but she's had bad luck with birth control and thinks getting her tubes tied would increase her risk of cancer. This stuff, it seems, is all cultural and deeply held.
Amazingly my girlfriend has broken free of all of this. She's incredibly frugal and rational. But it's tearing her apart to watch her family destroy itself. We both want to help, but obviously giving unsolicited advice is not the way to do it. They've tried family therapy but weren't happy with it. What's needed is a major change of perspective and habits, and the problem feels so much bigger than either of us that we don't know what to do. I do have a success story to share, however: two years ago we spent a weekend cleaning the first floor of their house, and my girlfriend worked hard to get her siblings to start helping out with the chores. Some of it stuck (probably because her siblings really look up to her) and today the house is generally much cleaner than it used to be. We have a feeling that if her family could just understand that there's a way out, there would be hope for change. But we don't know how to bring that about without alienating them. Any advice would be really appreciated.