I don't know if that's the case, it may be.
My wife was at home with one or both of the kids until about 5 months ago. That is when my second kid went into daycare at age 1.5. Until then she was at home with either one or both, so if the notion came off that they have been in daycare since they were born, that's wrong.
It was difficult for both of us with both kids at young ages with all that's involved - caring, cooking, sick days, sleepless nights, etc. It was also a period of more emotional stress as we moved into a new house and had growing pains I think any regular family has. Newborns also mean conflicts regarding how to raise them and new situations we as a couple needed to learn together. All this causes stress as well. Why do I get the feeling this is a non-issue for many of the posters here?
Now since things are getting more relaxed and back into a more regular schedule we are looking for ways to move ahead. However, perhaps the past 2.5 years with all these changes has left emotional strain on my wife, and I am trying to get to the bottom of that.
I think if your wife isn’t depressed that she isn’t lazy, she might be caught up on the hedonic treadmill (look it up, cool theory). Perhaps she was so overwhelmed, she needed more ease/less work in her life to be happy, so you guys kept adding in ease trying to fix things – more daycare days/day care for both kids/etc, maid service, etc – and now she has adapted to this insanely high level of ease but is still unhappy, so she is searching for happiness elsewhere (ex: being able to spend more/save more/not budget). Like an alcoholic, you can definitely develop tolerance to your level of luxury/ease in life, and end up thinking that you are having a rough go of it even though nothing could be further from the truth. This is how even the most wealthy, stress free, easy living people can end up depressed and feeling shortchanged for no reason. It’s a bizarre human behavior and we all fall into it to some extent, but your wife may have an extreme case because you guys seem to have continued the vicious loop to a much higher level of luxury than most people do (6 days a week in daycare for a SAHM who doesn’t clean!? Holy cow!). As a result, it gets harder and harder for your wife to be content with anything more reasonable, and she gets angry and defensive because she feels she NEEDS this stuff. The truth is, she doesn’t need it, she has just adapted to it and feels like she does, but because this type of life is now her “bare minimum” she is perpetually unhappy. The hedonic treadmill takes something that is generally good – trying to make your life easier/happier – and twists it into something that can be far more damaging than being overworked sometimes.
The only way to get off the hedonic treadmill is to gain perspective, so you can appreciate what you do have and derive contentment from it. And how do you gain perspective? Well its counter intuitive, but she needs MORE “stress” and responsibility in her life. Yes. If you have daycare 6 days a week, you won’t appreciate it as much as if you only have it 2x a week, and over time, you will derive less and less satisfaction from having time to yourself. If she’s just tooling around not really doing anything constructive with her brain during her free time, she needs to start getting involved in something – part time work, charity/volunteering, etc – so she feels accomplished, and productive, and has variation in her routine. That way, on the days where she can just go out to lunch or relax, she enjoys it more than if she is doing that every day because she has nothing else more productive to do. If she is on the hedonic treadmill, cutting back daycare to 3x a week and forcing her to buck up and be busy on the other days could oddly enough help break her out of her funk.
In my experience, the happiest stay at home parents are those who WORK HARD on a daily basis, not the ones who have it easy with daily nannies, maids, etc and tons of relaxation and “self care” time. These are the ones with lots of kids, the ones who farm, the ones who are always doing some sort of labor – be it child care, home improvements, growing food, etc. It makes no sense at first because these people should be less happy given that they have far more going on, far more responsibility, and far more physicality to their day, but they always seem to be more content than the ones who are more like your wife. This is probably why women like Malum’s wife are so content – they are busy and productive and feel like they are contributing, and so they derive satisfaction from their lives and daily toils even though it is exhausting. Perhaps your wife could take a page out of their book and see if a harder life actually brings more contentment. Seriously, there is nothing to lose. If she can't stand it, she can always go back to daycare every day, but if she tries it for a month and likes it, then you have found a way to save money AND make her feel happier/more fulfilled. The trouble is, people on the hedonic treadmill are almost addicted to their level of luxury and generally balk at any suggestion to forgo what they now consider to be requirements for happiness (maids, daycare, nice things, etc). They only tend to recognize they can be just as happy, or happier, without all this stuff when something in life forces them to make do with less.
Good luck!