As someone suffering from serious depression and anxiety, reading through this thread...
I'd ask if deep down, your wife is doing the SAHM thing because that is what she thinks she should be doing. I would also question whether she really wants to have lots of kids and be a full time mother... because she feels that this is what a woman is supposed to do, because this is what she sees from her own family experience, and it is what you and she decided on. And this is not something she should just blurt out "of course that's what I want!" because she can absolutely think that on the surface, but without some serious, meditative thought on the current state of her life, her unhappiness and why exactly she is unhappy (hint: it's not about money) then she's possibly lying to herself more than anything. We've all likely done this, and it's nothing to be ashamed about either.
The general feeling I get is that she is doing things that are expected of her, but what is missing for her is that she wants to be an independent, free woman, and her wants/needs aren't being met by being a SAH parent, and she is feeling trapped into a life she planned for (wife/mother), but isn't as fulfilling as she expected, so there is panic about the future, sadness/shame about being so disappointed in herself for not being happy with her decision, and a need to fix it somewhat by moving blame to others (or lack of material things) so she doesn't feel so responsible for her decision.
None of this is meant to sound like I'm judging her. It is absolutely not something she can help if she is feeling this way. She's actually trying to power through her feelings and hold the line, and I think that is very noble of her. The thing is, it likely is also making her feel even more guilty and sad trying to stay the course and scrambling to find outside things to fix the situation.
This was very good. I am not a SAHM and never wanted to be. But choosing to be a working parent is hard, even when you know it's right.
Because I am being judged. Coworkers, neighbors, friends. There are VERY few people who don't judge me at all. Some of them don't even mean it.
"You mean you are still working?"
"Why can't you make a 10 am musical performance?"
"You worked from home on a holiday?"
I imagine if she was raised a certain way, it's even harder when she's being judged by family. My mother used to judge my SIL. She would say things like "Your brother is SO GOOD with those girls. He does so much with them. Takes care of them, gives baths, etc., comes and visits. SIL does so little, always working, I never see her." News flash mom: 1. Brother works 32 hours a week and makes less than half what his wife does. 2. Brother is off work by noon every day. 3. Brother comes to visit you because he likes a little help. 4. SIL goes to HER MOM'S house when she is off.
My very own mother would say, ad nauseum, that "all she ever wanted was to be a stay at home mom". She had a baby out of wedlock. Married my dad, a widower with kids. It was not a good marriage. He was not a nice guy. Lived with the Catholic guilt of disappointing her parents (who wanted her to be a nun). Had to live on a pretty tight budget being married to my dad and it was HARD. Went back to work when I was 11, part time.
Always said she hated working. Divorced my dad, went full time. As much as she said she hated it (worked hard, boss was a tool, got paid less than half what he did), I had NEVER seen her MORE HAPPY than when we were living in that trailer and she didn't have any responsibilities to anybody but herself, and me ( and I was 16). Even though she felt guilty that my brother stayed with dad.
Remarried. Wonderful guy but she "didn't love him when she married him". Quit work eventually. Went into a deep deep depression, STILL INSISTING that all she wanted was to be a wife. But here's the thing. She was on a budget again. An unnecessarily tight budget for the income, but she married a guy who was in his 40s and had always spent what he wanted. So SHE had to figure out how to live to HIS budget.
Her desire to be "a wife and mother" warred with the difficulty of living on a budget when *she* wasn't bringing in any money. And thus felt that she didn't have as much say. Now, with all of that and the Catholic guilt, it was a long spiral into depression and alcoholism, which killed her. I honestly think a part time job, where she just clocked in and out and worked, would have been best. She was offered one, but stressed about taking vacation. It was very sad.