Need advice on relationship/financial concern

[Maenad]

Or Dump the Motherfucker Already.

[ilsy]

NO.  I would never be able to get along with a person like this, who pretends to buy me a gift, only to stick me with its partial cost or who feels like it's a burden to see me.  NO WAY.  You do you, but I would be long gone from this relationship.

Totally agree with the statement. There is a plain disrespect and should not be tolerated. I'm very "cheap," I often don't have food that my bf likes at my place and he often asks if he can come over and make a meal for me, my kids and my mom, and most of the time doesn't even expect that I'm going to have whatever he needs for the cooking at my home. But boy if he ever tries to call me "stupid" or "cheap," I'm going to evaporate even before he finishes the word. BTW, I'm with my bf for 3.5 years now and we still live in separate places (just a side note). And to be fair, I'm way wealthier than my bf, but he respects me and my lifestyle, and I do the same.

Anyways, what you are describing is a total disrespect, there is no reason in the world to be with a person who disrespects you.

[electriceagle]

The problem is that we both think the other is cheap and unreasonable. One most recent example -- My BF offered to purchase earrings for me that I had admired online. The earrings were $20 with $1 tax. I put the purchase on my credit card with the understanding that my BF would pay me back. When I told him that the total was $21 (no shipping) he told me that he would only give me $20 as I should not expect him to pay the tax because he was kind enough to buy me a gift. I told him that he was being unreasonable, that the tax is part of the gift, and that I did not expect him to pay shipping or tax on a substantial item I had just purchased for his birthday. He told me that I was cheap and "just don't get it." He always likes to tell me that, "It's just a dollar." When I told him the same, he told me I was "stupid".

This isn't on the "cheap" spectrum, its on the mental health spectrum. The question of food at one/anothers place seems a bit over the edge as well. Has he seen a mental health professional?

[honeybbq]

4 years when you are 40 is a long time. I think you have a tough choice ahead of you.

Calling you "stupid" is abusive.

Fighting over a dollar is silly. It shows there is no connection at some level. People give a dollar to a bum on the street. But your supposed love one would rather call you stupid than pony up an extra dollar for a "gift"?

Perhaps he is extremely cheap because of what happened with his ex. Maybe he has good 'logical' reasons. But this situation would be unacceptable to me.

Is the relationship worth it to you?

[Dr.Jeckyl]

There isn't one single right way to handle money and who pays for what. But if one party is feeling that they shoulder most of the load, then it's not working for you. However--IMO the problem is not money; it's that your BF doesn't treat you with ordinary respect. Your BF acts like he is doing you a huge favor by dating you, and therefore you owe him for it. He makes no effort to reciprocate for food and grocery costs, even after you've expressed your dissatisfaction. He also doesn't seem to care about making you comfortable at his house. Not everyone likes to cook, but how hard is it to pick up a case of Bongo Juice and Super Snacks for your girlfriend once in a while?

The dollar tax--if he had gone out to buy you the earrings, or ordered them himself, he'd have paid the dollar without a second thought. Why is he picking a fight over "just a dollar"? It sounds like he values that dollar more than your feelings. Or maybe he values the feeling of getting one up on someone, knowing he "made" a dollar off you.

he drives "all this way" to see me

Does he think you have a warp drive that makes your drive over to his house shorter than his to yours?

When I told him the same, he told me I was "stupid".

In one sentence, he shows you just what he thinks of you. You don't need to be with this guy.

Could not agree more. I wonder why his ex cheated on him and divorced him...

[Aegishjalmur]

Hello everyone,

Thank you very much for everyone for taking the time to read this post. I am looking for some unbiased, outside advice and input as to my financial relationship with my BF.

He told me that I was cheap, he told me I was "stupid".

 BF is a very kind person who is very generous to his friends, but this does not extend to me.

You cannot have a good, healthy, happy relationship with someone who tells you that you are stupid.
Time is finite. The time you waste with someone like this who calls you cheap and stupid is time you cannot get back to find someone you love and who loves and respects you.