Author Topic: Need advice on relationship/financial concern  (Read 7892 times)

LilTazzy

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Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« on: August 27, 2018, 04:45:01 PM »
Hello everyone,

Thank you very much for everyone for taking the time to read this post. I am looking for some unbiased, outside advice and input as to my financial relationship with my BF.

BF is 51, I am 40. BF is less than 2 years away from retiring with a full pension. BF owns his own home, but, aside from his mortgage, does not have any debt and has significant savings. I own a condo and have significant student loan debt, a mortgage, and a car loan. My residential cost of living is lower than his and I do not carry any credit card debt. I live 30 minutes/25 miles away from my BF and we usually spend every night together, either at his residence or mine. Neither of us contribute to the other's household bills.

The problem is that we both think the other is cheap and unreasonable. One most recent example -- My BF offered to purchase earrings for me that I had admired online. The earrings were $20 with $1 tax. I put the purchase on my credit card with the understanding that my BF would pay me back. When I told him that the total was $21 (no shipping) he told me that he would only give me $20 as I should not expect him to pay the tax because he was kind enough to buy me a gift. I told him that he was being unreasonable, that the tax is part of the gift, and that I did not expect him to pay shipping or tax on a substantial item I had just purchased for his birthday. He told me that I was cheap and "just don't get it." He always likes to tell me that, "It's just a dollar." When I told him the same, he told me I was "stupid".

One other example -- BF tells me that when he makes the trip to visit me at my residence I need to provide both food and beverage for him, since he is going out of his way to visit me. For the past 4 years, I have provided food and beverage for him with only a $20 contribution about 3 years ago. My BF does not cook and does not have any food or beverage at his house for me. I used to purchase groceries and cook at his residence, but stopped doing that when he never gave me any money towards the groceries. One time I mentioned to him that it was a financial burden to feed and provide beverages for him when he did not reciptocate at his residence. He offered to keep beverages for me at his residence. That happened about a year ago and he still has not followed through.

A couple of days ago, I noticed that a local store had Pepsi for sale. My BF drinks Pepsi, I do not. I told him about the sale and said I would pick up soda if he could reimburse me for the soda, as I have purchased food and drink for him for 4 years. Initially, BF agreed. A few minutes later, he said he would not reimburse me because he drives "all this way" to see me (Never mind that he often has use of a company vehicle) and that I should buy him soda in exchange for his hardship in coming to see me. He said that he would just drink water at my residence "unless I started charging him for that too."

I could write a book with all the other examples of BF's behavior. BF is a very kind person who is very generous to his friends, but this does not extend to me. He told me that he is not generous to me because I am "cheap" and admits that he was much kinder to his ex-wife (He paid off her credit card debt both before and after she cheated on him.) I have never been married and am used to managing my own money and have no desire to be married. However, BF's behavior frustrates and irritates me. I want to be a kind, generous partner but I cannot afford to pay all the time for things. Is his behavior normal? Am I the cheap person? I would appreciate any input from all the wise Mustachians out there! :-)



PhrugalPhan

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #1 on: August 27, 2018, 05:07:14 PM »
Sheesh.  I can be called cheap at times (I don't think so really but whatever), but there is no way I would behave like that.  My GF & I try to keep things sorta fair between the two of us, but we know sometimes one person pays a lot, then other times the other person does.  Its life sometimes.

In your case I wouldn't call his behavior "unfair" exactly, but just anal to the max.  You're not cheap, he needs a reality check if you two are considering yourself equal in your relationship.  I know lots of people that don't, and that works for them, so I'm not making a judgement call either way.  But if you want to feel equal to him, he needs to have an attitude adjustment or your relationship may not last long.

NoraLenderbee

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #2 on: August 27, 2018, 05:13:29 PM »
There isn't one single right way to handle money and who pays for what. But if one party is feeling that they shoulder most of the load, then it's not working for you. However--IMO the problem is not money; it's that your BF doesn't treat you with ordinary respect. Your BF acts like he is doing you a huge favor by dating you, and therefore you owe him for it. He makes no effort to reciprocate for food and grocery costs, even after you've expressed your dissatisfaction. He also doesn't seem to care about making you comfortable at his house. Not everyone likes to cook, but how hard is it to pick up a case of Bongo Juice and Super Snacks for your girlfriend once in a while?

The dollar tax--if he had gone out to buy you the earrings, or ordered them himself, he'd have paid the dollar without a second thought. Why is he picking a fight over "just a dollar"? It sounds like he values that dollar more than your feelings. Or maybe he values the feeling of getting one up on someone, knowing he "made" a dollar off you.

Quote
he drives "all this way" to see me

Does he think you have a warp drive that makes your drive over to his house shorter than his to yours?

Quote
When I told him the same, he told me I was "stupid".

In one sentence, he shows you just what he thinks of you. You don't need to be with this guy.


Cgbg

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #3 on: August 27, 2018, 05:14:34 PM »
You’ve been dating him for 4 years?

Time to cut him loose and find someone actually in line with your values. He isn’t it.

crispy

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #4 on: August 27, 2018, 05:15:10 PM »
He sounds like a jerk. I try not to to encourage people to dump their significant others based on a post, but I would dump someone who called me stupid and belittled me. He doesn't value you and his treatment reflects that.

CNM

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #5 on: August 27, 2018, 05:16:21 PM »
NO.  I would never be able to get along with a person like this, who pretends to buy me a gift, only to stick me with its partial cost or who feels like it's a burden to see me.  NO WAY.  You do you, but I would be long gone from this relationship.

FIFoFum

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #6 on: August 27, 2018, 05:18:51 PM »
To quote Dan Savage, DTMFA.

You don't need someone in your life who calls you stupid, who is petty and vindictive in reneging on $1 worth of a gift, and who is demanding of your time and money without interest in reciprocating.

It has nothing to do with the money or if someone is "cheap" and everything to do with being mean-spirited and uncaring about your feelings.

Rob_bob

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #7 on: August 27, 2018, 05:47:18 PM »
He sounds like a self centered user to me.  I'm sure he could say things about you as well but his actions speak for themselves.

If you want to hang out with him for your own reasons that's fine, but don't ever consider yourself to be in any kind of a romantic equal sharing and caring relationship.  Take him for what he is and don't expect anything more from him.

Frankies Girl

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #8 on: August 27, 2018, 05:48:02 PM »
Anyone that habitually called me things like "stupid" and complained about me in general would not be a person I'd spend any time with after the first unless it was followed with an abject apology and promises that it would never happen again.

Agree with the consensus: dump him.

But I have to say in the situation of the money thing - you are being extremely cheap in not having things for him at your place that he likes (like a 2 liter of his favorite soft drink) without expecting him to pay your for it, but he needs to do the same for you at his place (provide basic food and drink because you two are supposed to sort of like each other, right?)

He is being extremely cheap because of the above and also by saying he'd buy you a present but not pay the tax or shipping. If he wanted to buy it for you as a gift - YOU DO NOT BUY IT YOURSELF AND ASK TO BE PAID BACK - he buys it and give it to you. That's what a gift is. What you two did is NOT a gift; that is some weird transaction shit that doesn't belong in a functional relationship right there.

TL/DR: you're both being ridiculously cheap in your relationship dealings. If you care about a person, you do things (like small gifts and have items that they might like to eat/drink if they're staying over) BECAUSE YOU LIKE THAT PERSON AND WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY. Nickel and diming each other is ridiculous. You are both wrong.

But he sounds awful in any case and you should both break up and try to consider being considerate and kinder to your next significant others and stop hoarding dollars over some bizarre idea of self-righteous accounting of "fairness" down to the penny.
« Last Edit: August 27, 2018, 05:49:44 PM by Frankies Girl »

chasesfish

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #9 on: August 27, 2018, 05:55:37 PM »
I'm kind of in agreement with @Frankies Girl - If you've been together for four years and these kind of things get to either of you, there's something else there causing tension in the relationship.  This stuff isn't about the money, you both have money.  There's more here.

  Maybe it is time to move on

The Fake Cheap

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #10 on: August 27, 2018, 06:02:13 PM »
From what you say one of you is being cheap (hint: it's not you).  I'm no psychologist, but his cheapness may stem from his last gf burning him after being generous and paying off her credit card.  Doesn't sound like a great relationship.

Meowmalade

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #11 on: August 27, 2018, 06:20:44 PM »
But I have to say in the situation of the money thing - you are being extremely cheap in not having things for him at your place that he likes (like a 2 liter of his favorite soft drink) without expecting him to pay your for it

OP did say that it's only because she's paid for food and drink at her place for 4 years, which wasn't reciprocated.  It's hard to be generous when you feel like the other person's taking advantage of you.

I'm no psychologist, but his cheapness may stem from his last gf burning him after being generous and paying off her credit card.

This happened to my ex!  My first boyfriend in college had family money and didn't think it was a big deal to take me out to dinner.  He was also convinced (within weeks of dating?!) that we were going to get married, but I broke up with him because he turned out to be an awful person.  I found out later that he dated my friend's roommate after and had turned incredibly stingy, since his "investment" in dating me didn't pay off.  They would all go out for a pizza, and he wouldn't even pay for his share and would let the poor art students take care of the bill!

Regardless of his history with his ex, there is absolutely no excuse for your boyfriend to treat you with so much contempt.  Every part of me is telling you to run...

ToTheMoon

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #12 on: August 27, 2018, 06:33:12 PM »
I think its time for the two of you to sit down and BOTH acknowledge your behaviours towards each other.  Put it all out on the table, good and bad, and decide if you want to start treating each other with more respect or go your separate ways.  The status quo doesn't sound like a good situation for either of you - you need to demand respect, but be equally willing to give it.  If things don't change, or they revert back at least you gave it a shot.  That said, if someone dared call me stupid or anything else of the sort I would already be walking towards the door.

I hope you are willing to have a chat with him about it.  If you are not, then I think you need to break this off immediately as this does not sound like a healthy adult relationship.




Frankies Girl

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #13 on: August 27, 2018, 06:50:01 PM »
But I have to say in the situation of the money thing - you are being extremely cheap in not having things for him at your place that he likes (like a 2 liter of his favorite soft drink) without expecting him to pay your for it

OP did say that it's only because she's paid for food and drink at her place for 4 years, which wasn't reciprocated.  It's hard to be generous when you feel like the other person's taking advantage of you.


But after the first few times... you are making a choice to allow them to continue taking advantage.

If it truly bothers you, you say "Hey boyfriend, I'm always buying the food at my house to share with you when you come over, but you never have food for me at your house. Can you start stocking up on a few basics at your house for me or kick in on the grocery shop today?"

If the answer is anything other than a variation of "oh, sure!" then your next choice is either A) decide this is the camelbackbreaking straw thing and break up, or 2) decide that this is a minor irritation and you love and adore person and they have so many other stellar qualities that you decide you can live with this one silly thing they do.

But choosing the third option: be furiously annoyed and put out, bottle it up, and then mumble about it passive/aggressively for months and years, and start fights that end in each of the participating members calling each other things like "stupid" and "cheap" all the time and quibble over literal pennies... boy howdy, that's not a choice I'd consider for an instant.

To allow this to go on for years... even one year? Oh fuck no. That's just being a martyr at that point. There's something co-dependent and unhealthy about that. The OP is likely a nice person, but has a major blind spot to how they should allow others to treat her, how to be a strong partner, and communicate in a healthy relationship. It is hard, but it's not impossible. But it needs to be recognized before it can be fixed.

We allow others to take advantage of us. If you don't like a person/relative/lover's behavior, tell them to cut it out in plain, easy to understand language. If they don't, leave or decide if they are worth keeping despite the flaws. (but if they are treating you poorly, the answer should always be "demand to be treated with respect, leave if they don't)
« Last Edit: August 27, 2018, 06:53:28 PM by Frankies Girl »

ixtap

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #14 on: August 27, 2018, 07:21:51 PM »
The only way anyone ever gets to say "It is just X" is if they are conceding. Yes, I will give you a dollar, because it is just a dollar. Yes, I will take down that two story cross, because it is just a symbol. To claim that the other person has to concede because something is insignificant is down right dishonest. If it were insignificant the discussion wouldn't exist.

ETBen

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #15 on: August 27, 2018, 08:34:30 PM »
“Cheap” is not the word I would use to describe him.

And he’s probably doing more to undermine your self-respect than you even see.

ETBen

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #16 on: August 27, 2018, 08:37:36 PM »
Also, the words you are looking for are “gaslighting” and “narcissist”. He speaks better of his ex wife but he probably spoke to her this way too.

This is not a “work through it” and have a heartfelt discussion situation.

limeandpepper

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #17 on: August 27, 2018, 09:28:30 PM »
BF is a very kind person who is very generous to his friends, but this does not extend to me. He told me that he is not generous to me because I am "cheap" and admits that he was much kinder to his ex-wife (He paid off her credit card debt both before and after she cheated on him.)

Why are you putting up with this? At the minimum I would want someone who treats me at least as well as they treat their friends, if not better. Also this makes me wonder if he still carries a torch for his ex-wife.

My BF does not cook and does not have any food or beverage at his house for me.

My boyfriend and I are not extravagant types at all but when we lived in different residences we always had enough food and drinks stocked to go around if the other comes over. The scenario you describe doesn't seem normal to me. Also, if he's actually a frugal person, he would know how to cook. Given that he doesn't cook, he's obviously not frugal, he's just cheap.

SunnyDays

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #18 on: August 27, 2018, 10:07:59 PM »
So what are you getting out of this relationship?  There must be something for you to put up with this kind of treatment for 4 YEARS!  Don't you think you deserve better?  In addition to calling you "stupid," is he abusive in any other way?  My guess is that he is.  This is about more than money.  Besides paying his ex-wife's debts, how did he treat her?  Time to get down to the real issue, if you still want to, but don't feel bad about calling it quits, either.  Something is not right here.  And yes,  I AM a psychologist!

MrThatsDifferent

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #19 on: August 28, 2018, 02:19:01 AM »
Ughhh, I felt ill reading the OPs post. Run girl run! Seriously. This sounds toxic as hell. Although I can’t understand buying $21 present for myself and expecting someone to pay for it, I also don’t get giving $20 but withholding $1. You’re both too old to change so find other people you match better with or just enjoy life alone. There’s gotta be more than this level of pettiness.

former player

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #20 on: August 28, 2018, 03:57:45 AM »
Hang on a minute, folks.  All we know is a few financial details and OP's problems.  We don't know the good side of this relationship - maybe they are immensely compatible in bed and a world class Bridge partnership, or share a love of ancient Greek poetry in the original.  There could be a lot for both to lose if this relationship breaks up.

On the other hand, the lack of respect indicated by the name calling and the lack of equality in expenditures to maintain the relationship would be dealbreakers for me.  I would strongly suggest that OP sits down with her person and asks him how he sees their relationship.  If he is seeing it as strong and ongoing, then I think she needs to tell him 1) he needs to stop the name calling ("cheap" and "stupid" are name calling): it indicates a lack of respect for her that is unwilling to put up with, and 2) he needs to pull his weight with regard to food and drink when they are together, without complaining about the cost and putting in equal work on shopping and cooking - if he doesn't know how to cook he can take classes.  She also needs to say that as he has a history of not following through on his promises related to money that it will be a dealbreaker for her if he fails to keep any promises he makes.

mrmoonymartian

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #21 on: August 28, 2018, 04:40:56 AM »
So it's been 4 years, but how long between the ex and you? Sounds like there's baggage he didn't have time to re-pack, so it's still a mess in there.

Gondolin

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #22 on: August 28, 2018, 07:13:29 AM »
Quote
He always likes to tell me that, "It's just a dollar." When I told him the same, he told me I was "stupid".

Just another poster here to say: You BF sounds mean and crazy. He is definitely taking advantage of you and/or taking something out on you. Onus is on you for allowing it to continue though. He's learned long ago that he break promises to you with no repercussion.

Psychstache

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #23 on: August 28, 2018, 08:16:44 AM »
Here is my unbiased, outside advice.


he told me I was "stupid".

he said ... I should buy him soda in exchange for his hardship in coming to see me.

I could write a book with all the other examples of BF's behavior.

BF is a very kind person who is very generous to his friends, but this does not extend to me.

He told me that he is not generous to me because I am "cheap"

In just the few paragraphs into your relationships that you have provided, he has insulted you twice and treats you poorly when he has shown you with others that he is capable of doing better, and that you should be blessed to be in his presence. Tell him to pound sand.

Seriously, you do not deserve to be treated like this. This is not a normal, healthy relationship dynamic. Get out now!

Finallyunderstand

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #24 on: August 28, 2018, 08:32:57 AM »
In reading your post I almost thought it was a troll post because I didn't know normal people act that way.  Yikes.  As most others have said, time to move on.

J Boogie

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #25 on: August 28, 2018, 08:38:23 AM »
Sounds like you've got the worst of both worlds - You're not treated as a welcome guest/friend with hospitality, and you're also not a spouse who everything is shared with.

You're in a weird territory, and as others have alluded to, it's probably because of his past. He's (somewhat?) happy to have your companionship and love but it doesn't sound like he's interested in/ready to be committing again.

Maybe you don't want marriage either, either with him or without him, but I think this type of who buys what push and pull will be part of any non-committal relationship - probably with less pettiness though :)


SunshineAZ

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #26 on: August 28, 2018, 08:47:24 AM »
Wow, this is just wrong on so many levels!  It sounds like you are both a little petty and ridiculous regarding money, however, his behavior towards you is demeaning, controlling, and narcissistic.  If any guy argued with me over the $1 tax on a "gift" (WTF?), or acted like it was a burden to come visit me, I would kick him to the curb immediately.  That is unacceptable and he sounds like a dick. 

SillyPutty

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #27 on: August 28, 2018, 10:12:49 AM »
My recommendation to anyone: If your partner calls you "stupid," it's time to leave.


JanetJackson

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #28 on: August 28, 2018, 10:14:32 AM »
I got the heaviest lump in my throat while reading your post, and I think you should take a moment for yourself- breathe, draw a bath, whatever calms you... and then read this and consider how this may be happening in your life. 

https://www.britannica.com/topic/gaslighting

No, this does not FULLY encapsulate the behavior your are describing, but life isn't generally that neat and tidy.
It sounds, by whatever definition it might more plainly fit into, that you're being emotionally abused.
No one should call you stupid, even in jest, repeatedly.

There may be good moments, there may be fond memories, but leaving them won't mean that you'll be alone forever (unless that's what you want) or that you won't be able to develop new memories and experiences that will be healthier for you.
I am so sorry this is happening to you.

I would suggest that you leave.  Cold Turkey:  "I'm sorry, but the way that you treat me is unacceptable and won't work for me any longer.  I love you and wish the best for you.  Goodbye".


PoutineLover

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #29 on: August 28, 2018, 10:19:08 AM »
This isn't really about the money, this is about how you are treated by someone who supposedly loves you but his actions are showing you otherwise. From what you've described, he doesn't value you or treat you well at all, and is making you put way more into the relationship while he puts in almost nothing, and calls you names while he's at it. This is not a nice person, and this is not a healthy relationship. It doesn't sound like he has any intention of ever changing, so it's up to you to decide when you've had enough of his shitty behaviour. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

Awesomeness

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #30 on: August 28, 2018, 11:11:29 AM »
A few sentences in I said to myself sheesh. A few more and I think he’s an ass hole. 

He’s got you questioning yourself so much that you’re posting on a forum about your spending habits. That’s called gas lighting.

I’d advise you to at least spend some time apart, and no communication,  so you can think.  Just being away from this situation will give you some clarity. 

I’m almost a year out from divorcing an abusive ass so I can spot this stuff more easily. Trust me you can get used to living w unacceptable behavior, it becomes your normal. Time away and no contact does wonders. 

MDfive21

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #31 on: August 28, 2018, 11:34:15 AM »
he drinks Pepsi!?? why would you date someone like that?

Case

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #32 on: August 28, 2018, 11:42:25 AM »
Hello everyone,

Thank you very much for everyone for taking the time to read this post. I am looking for some unbiased, outside advice and input as to my financial relationship with my BF.

BF is 51, I am 40. BF is less than 2 years away from retiring with a full pension. BF owns his own home, but, aside from his mortgage, does not have any debt and has significant savings. I own a condo and have significant student loan debt, a mortgage, and a car loan. My residential cost of living is lower than his and I do not carry any credit card debt. I live 30 minutes/25 miles away from my BF and we usually spend every night together, either at his residence or mine. Neither of us contribute to the other's household bills.

The problem is that we both think the other is cheap and unreasonable. One most recent example -- My BF offered to purchase earrings for me that I had admired online. The earrings were $20 with $1 tax. I put the purchase on my credit card with the understanding that my BF would pay me back. When I told him that the total was $21 (no shipping) he told me that he would only give me $20 as I should not expect him to pay the tax because he was kind enough to buy me a gift. I told him that he was being unreasonable, that the tax is part of the gift, and that I did not expect him to pay shipping or tax on a substantial item I had just purchased for his birthday. He told me that I was cheap and "just don't get it." He always likes to tell me that, "It's just a dollar." When I told him the same, he told me I was "stupid".

One other example -- BF tells me that when he makes the trip to visit me at my residence I need to provide both food and beverage for him, since he is going out of his way to visit me. For the past 4 years, I have provided food and beverage for him with only a $20 contribution about 3 years ago. My BF does not cook and does not have any food or beverage at his house for me. I used to purchase groceries and cook at his residence, but stopped doing that when he never gave me any money towards the groceries. One time I mentioned to him that it was a financial burden to feed and provide beverages for him when he did not reciptocate at his residence. He offered to keep beverages for me at his residence. That happened about a year ago and he still has not followed through.

A couple of days ago, I noticed that a local store had Pepsi for sale. My BF drinks Pepsi, I do not. I told him about the sale and said I would pick up soda if he could reimburse me for the soda, as I have purchased food and drink for him for 4 years. Initially, BF agreed. A few minutes later, he said he would not reimburse me because he drives "all this way" to see me (Never mind that he often has use of a company vehicle) and that I should buy him soda in exchange for his hardship in coming to see me. He said that he would just drink water at my residence "unless I started charging him for that too."

I could write a book with all the other examples of BF's behavior. BF is a very kind person who is very generous to his friends, but this does not extend to me. He told me that he is not generous to me because I am "cheap" and admits that he was much kinder to his ex-wife (He paid off her credit card debt both before and after she cheated on him.) I have never been married and am used to managing my own money and have no desire to be married. However, BF's behavior frustrates and irritates me. I want to be a kind, generous partner but I cannot afford to pay all the time for things. Is his behavior normal? Am I the cheap person? I would appreciate any input from all the wise Mustachians out there! :-)

I will venture two guesses:

1.  Your BF is a cheap ass loser.
2.  Your not sharing his side of the story accurately... your version does not portray you as being very cheap, so I'm confused as to why he is calling you cheap.

In your to have a successful relationship, you both need to be able to successfully and rationally discuss finances.  If you can't come to agreements on what is 'cheap', who is being 'cheap', and when, then something is amiss.

RamonaQ

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #33 on: August 28, 2018, 12:31:32 PM »
He told me that I was cheap and "just don't get it." He always likes to tell me that, "It's just a dollar." When I told him the same, he told me I was "stupid".
...

One other example -- BF tells me that when he makes the trip to visit me at my residence I need to provide both food and beverage for him, since he is going out of his way to visit me.
...

A few minutes later, he said he would not reimburse me because he drives "all this way" to see me (Never mind that he often has use of a company vehicle) and that I should buy him soda in exchange for his hardship in coming to see me.
...

He told me that he is not generous to me because I am "cheap" and admits that he was much kinder to his ex-wife

This has nothing to do with being cheap or not and everything to do with treating someone with basic respect.  So you're with someone who calls you stupid, admits that he is not kind or generous to you, and thinks that seeing you is a hardship?  What are you getting out of this relationship?

Is his behavior normal?

No.

tarheeldan

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #34 on: August 28, 2018, 01:03:22 PM »
My BF offered to purchase earrings for me that I had admired online. The earrings were $20 with $1 tax....he told me that he would only give me $20 as I should not expect him to pay the tax because he was kind enough to buy me a gift.
...
...Is his behavior normal?

Hell no. WTF.

Zikoris

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #35 on: August 28, 2018, 04:13:31 PM »
Lots of people telling you to split, and I respect that. If you want to stay together and try to improve the situation, here are a few ideas:

1. A complete end to gifts. Tons of couples (myself included) choose not to exchange gifts, as it makes life way easier. That completely eliminates a lot of problems right there. Also don't buy stuff on his behalf for reimbursement.

2. Sit down and have a conversation that goes "Hey, so I seem to be buying you food all the time these days, and you're not buying me food in return. How can we fix this and make things more equal?" and see what he says. He might have a totally different idea on how he'd like the setup to look. Don't make it about stuff that happened over the past five years, just hey, here is this problem right in front of us here and now, let's fix it.

3. You're allowed to stop going anywhere you're not accommodated at, including his home. Be open about it. "I'm not comfortable going there because there's no food for me" is perfectly acceptable. I've had to tell people this over the years - "Sorry, there's no food for me", "Your home is too cold for me to be comfortable", "Your home isn't clean enough for me to feel comfortable" etc etc. Matter of fact. If he wants you there, let him find a solution.

LilTazzy

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #36 on: August 28, 2018, 04:15:26 PM »
OP here. Thank you to all for the replies. I expected responses as to who was being more "cheap" but did not expect the comments regarding our relationship as a whole. I do appreciate everyone's comments as they put some of the other things BF has said/done in other instances in perspective. You all have given me a lot to process in terms of this not being a respectful, healthy relationship.

The comments made about BF's possible issues with his ex-wife may have hit the nail on the head. Ex-wife has remained a part of BF's life (supposedly only due to 2 dogs that they are  "sharing custody" of) and has been the lead source of arguments between the 2 of us, other than financial matters. Despite BF's denials of continuing to have feelings for her, I have suspected that this remains an issue. BF and I started dating approximately 6 months after their divorce.

 Thank you again everyone. :-)


tyrannostache

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #37 on: August 28, 2018, 04:51:31 PM »
Honey, you deserve better.

bugbaby

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #38 on: August 28, 2018, 04:57:43 PM »
Also, the words you are looking for are “gaslighting” and “narcissist”. He speaks better of his ex wife but he probably spoke to her this way too.

This is not a “work through it” and have a heartfelt discussion situation.
This.

Nothing to work with here.

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kei te pai

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #39 on: August 29, 2018, 03:49:42 AM »
I dont think he loves or cares for you really. You are making his life more comfortable and its not flowing back the other way. As to if its normal or not, that does not matter. What matters is that he is both unfair and unkind and you are doubting your own judgement.
I say dont fight, negotiate or try and reason. Just say goodbye.

Pigeon

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #40 on: August 29, 2018, 06:46:52 AM »
In my mind, when you love someone, you want to do things to make them happy.  I don't mean buy them big, splashy gifts.  It's the little considerate things that my partner does for me that makes me feel cherished.

If somebody thought so little of me that they wouldn't keep some food and beverages that they knew I liked around because they were too cheap, that would tell me something loud and clear.  The nickel and dime stuff he does to you, while being "kind and generous" to everyone else ought to tell you something pretty clearly.

MustacheAnxiety

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #41 on: August 29, 2018, 02:36:04 PM »
You can do better LilTazzy.  Please know that. It might not happen immediately, but you can do so much better.

I am not saying it is right or wrong or equal or unequal. But typically, if a man dates a lady that is 11 years younger than he is, he pays for most everything and feels fortunate that someone so young and lovely is spending time with him.  At 40 you are young and lovely.  (Again not saying this is right or expected; it is just true based on what I have seen.  Possibly true if the genders are reversed I just don't personally know any couples where the woman is the much older and more financially secure partner.)

It is up to you if the relationship is stellar outside of what you have shared and is worth keeping, but the behavior you have shared is far from normal in a very bad way.








socaso

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #42 on: August 30, 2018, 04:32:16 PM »
The money is a symbol. What you are asking for is respect and reciprocity in your relationship and by withholding and arguing about the money he is denying that he needs to give you either thing.

MustacheAnxiety

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #43 on: August 30, 2018, 04:36:45 PM »
You can do better LilTazzy.  Please know that. It might not happen immediately, but you can do so much better.

I am not saying it is right or wrong or equal or unequal. But typically, if a man dates a lady that is 11 years younger than he is, he pays for most everything and feels fortunate that someone so young and lovely is spending time with him.  At 40 you are young and lovely.  (Again not saying this is right or expected; it is just true based on what I have seen.  Possibly true if the genders are reversed I just don't personally know any couples where the woman is the much older and more financially secure partner.)


Uhh...wait...what???

I’m a solid decade younger than my DH and when we started dating I made well over double what he does. Oh, and I was obese and he was very fit. I really don’t think you can make generalizations like you have about who should pay for anything based on age or gender.

I feel bad for a man who feels like he’s somehow priveleged to date a woman just because she’s younger. That’s just pathetic.

I am confused.  One of the questions from OP was "Is his behavior normal?"  Based on the relationships I have seen, where a much older and more financially secure man dates a younger woman: He pays for most things and doesn't complain or feel bitter at all, in fact he feels lucky to be with the woman.  That is normal based on at least the public face of the 20 or so relationships of family, family friends, and coworkers I am personally familiar with that match the demographics of OP's relationship.

Even if LilTazzy struggles with weight as it sounds like you did, I would say being called names and accused of being cheap by your boyfriend, is not normal.  And I also believe people with all kinds of different outside appearances can find a partner that thinks they are lovely and feels lucky to have them. There are so many different ideas of what is beautiful. And there is nothing wrong with being appreciative of your partner whether it is their looks, their youth, their financial security, their sense of humor, their taste in music, their values, or any of the other millions of reasons people are drawn to eachother. 

As far as income/wealth goes OP has already revealed that her BF is far more financially secure than she is, so it sounds like your experience is different from hers in that regard and not relevant to this thread. 

If you were worried that you need to correct my personal bias about equal pay between genders, let me lift that burden.  In my personal group of friends the women out earn the men in 7 out of 8 relationships.  Even in the 1 where the man is the higher earner, the woman is starting a business so there is every liklihood she will kick her DH's ass (financially) some day.

(Sorry for this tangent on your thread LilTazzy. I promise this will be my only off topic comment.)

ixtap

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #44 on: August 30, 2018, 05:48:29 PM »


I am not saying it is right or wrong or equal or unequal. But typically, if a man dates a lady that is 11 years younger than he is, he pays for most everything and feels fortunate that someone so young and lovely is spending time with him. 

Your friends sound very skeezy. I mean, that certainly happens, but it really isn't much healthier than what the OP described.

Goldielocks

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #45 on: August 30, 2018, 05:55:28 PM »
Zikoris for the win!

I am cheap, and what you complain about does not seem to be because of being cheap.

When I am on a budget:

1)  I buy gifts when I can afford them, or hand make cards / bake cookies when I can not.  If he wants to give you a gift, let him, but NEVER buy it online yourself.

2)  Stop asking for reimbursement.  Just stop paying for things you are not personally paying for.

3)  I drink water, party because of sugar, but hugely because I am cheap.

4)  I DO provide food for people who visit me.  It is part of hosting graciously.   Now, the food may be very economical (beans  / rice / taco with sticky pudding and banana for dessert), but I provide it.

5)  If I don't want to provide food, I tell them I am not able to host tonight... "how about we go to your place?" or "I can't cook tonight, but there's soda..." -- I don't start asking for $.   I

So - just stop talking about money and focus on relationship.

 Not paying the $1 tax is not cheap, it is about not wanting to buy you a gift (and go to the effort of actually having to choose  / buy it/ bring it), but still wanting to be perceived as a "gift giver" in image.  Once you bought it, maybe that "gift giver" image was gone...

Having a few (cheap) beverages or a cheap dinners at your home is nice to be gracious with.   Maybe this point is about equivalent time and effort spent, not just on the actual $$'s.   So, Host less often, or cheaper, if you can't afford it.  Get together after dinner instead, etc.

Don't let anyone call you stupid.   That certainly is not about being cheap.

Cassie

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #46 on: August 30, 2018, 11:53:02 PM »
You deserve better sweetie.

WalkaboutStache

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #47 on: August 31, 2018, 01:16:25 AM »

 he told me I was "stupid".


DTMFA. Any woman would be better with a baked potato for company than with a man who calls her "stupid."


BF is a very kind person who is very generous to his friends, but this does not extend to me.


DTMFA.  Treating friends well and partners poorly is a key marker of an abusive/manipulative jerk.


He told me that he is not generous to me because I am "cheap" and admits that he was much kinder to his ex-wife (He paid off her credit card debt both before and after she cheated on him.)


She dumped his sorry, manipulative ass.  Smart woman, an example to be followed. DTMFA.

Do you REALLY believe this cheap bastard paid his ex's CC bills?


JanetJackson

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #48 on: August 31, 2018, 08:34:19 AM »
What does DTMFA mean?


 he told me I was "stupid".


DTMFA. Any woman would be better with a baked potato for company than with a man who calls her "stupid."


BF is a very kind person who is very generous to his friends, but this does not extend to me.


DTMFA.  Treating friends well and partners poorly is a key marker of an abusive/manipulative jerk.


He told me that he is not generous to me because I am "cheap" and admits that he was much kinder to his ex-wife (He paid off her credit card debt both before and after she cheated on him.)


She dumped his sorry, manipulative ass.  Smart woman, an example to be followed. DTMFA.

Do you REALLY believe this cheap bastard paid his ex's CC bills?

Candace

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Re: Need advice on relationship/financial concern
« Reply #49 on: August 31, 2018, 08:47:51 AM »
What does DTMFA mean?


Dump The Mother Fucking Asshole.