Author Topic: Need a spending intervention - HELP  (Read 30930 times)

Villanelle

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3132
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #100 on: December 10, 2015, 04:27:58 PM »
I've said it before in this thread and I'll say it again. I think a one in, one out policy would be hugely helpful, OP.  You say you love and wear everything in your massive closet.  So force yourself in to Sophie's Fashion Choice.  Buying a new sweater (or ordering a new box) will mean you have to pick an item you love and wear and that is still 100% wearable, and sell it (and yes, you need to sell it, even if it takes effort, not just donate it).  And yes, you must do it immediately, before you gut the tags off the new item, no exceptions.

I think I am going to do a version of this.  I have a PayPal account and I can use that to do my ordering most of the time.  I think I am going to start a policy where all of my regular salary goes to my bills/paying off debt and any fun money spending, I need to sell something and have them pay me with PayPal and then use that for any additional clothing purchases.  That way my current clothing is paying for my new clothing.  I know that this is a modified version of what everyone else is calling for but I am not ready for give it up entirely.  It might motivate me to sell things or earn extra on the side.

Perhaps you could make it more aggressive.  Until you hit a certain debt pay of goal, 1/2 (or 1/3) of the money you make selling clothes or on side hustles goes back to debt.  The other portion can be your fun money.

Also, again I encourage you to count your closet, and look at those numbers and realize how extreme and unneccesary they are.  Before you start one in, one out (OI OO), you should get to a reasonable level (by selling stuff).  *Then* work on OI OO.  OI OO is still obscene if it is supporting a ridiculously large wardrobe.  Again, with the numbers you gave us, you are probably buying 360 pieces a year ($50 per piece, $1500/mo).  Even if starting with nothing, that's a giant wardrobe!  So make paring down your first goal, and THEN do OI OO.

I get it.  I like fashion.  I enjoy clothes and putting together outfits is a creative outlet for me.  I surely have more clothes than most posters here.  But you are currently out of control.  You need to rein it in, not only for the sake of getting ride of the current debt, but also so that you can comfortably abstain in the future.  If you allow yourself a 400+ item closet, you aren't really solving the root problem.  OI OO might help a bit, but you are still way OTT. 

Daisyedwards800

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 212
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #101 on: December 11, 2015, 03:46:22 PM »
Unfortunately I had a setback and bought a mystery box today. It was 40% off :/  Today starts the 12 days of breaking my habit.

pbkmaine

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8368
  • Age: 63
  • Location: The Villages, Florida
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #102 on: December 11, 2015, 03:54:14 PM »
This is why it is best to unsubscribe.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

ShoulderThingThatGoesUp

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3057
  • Location: Emmaus, PA
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #103 on: December 11, 2015, 04:24:43 PM »
Unfortunately I had a setback and bought a mystery box today. It was 40% off :/  Today starts the 12 days of breaking my habit.

Can you cancel the order still? Easily possible that you could.

Exflyboy

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 6548
  • Age: 58
  • Location: Corvallis, Oregon
  • Expat Brit living in the New World..:)
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #104 on: December 11, 2015, 04:28:51 PM »
Unfortunately I had a setback and bought a mystery box today. It was 40% off :/  Today starts the 12 days of breaking my habit.

Seriously?... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?????... How many posts have been written about this and you aknowledge your in deep shit and you simply go out and do it again?

Well done, you have just shoveled out another spade full of dirt from the bottom of the hole you have dug yourself!


2ndTimer

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4616
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #105 on: December 11, 2015, 04:45:01 PM »
Unfortunately I had a setback and bought a mystery box today. It was 40% off :/  Today starts the 12 days of breaking my habit.

That's it.  I'm done.  You are too stupid to save.

MOD NOTE: Forum Rule #1.
« Last Edit: December 12, 2015, 06:48:40 AM by arebelspy »

monstermonster

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4307
  • Age: 32
  • Location: The People's Republic of Portland (Oregon)
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #106 on: December 11, 2015, 04:49:48 PM »
Unfortunately I had a setback and bought a mystery box today. It was 40% off :/  Today starts the 12 days of breaking my habit.

That's it.  I'm done.  You are too stupid to save.

Have you considered going to a Shopaholics Anonymous meeting? This really does seem like its in addiction territory. Here's a link to some of their resources: http://www.shopaholicsanonymous.org/

Here's there test for shopaholic ness, for which individuals answer on a 7-point scale from strongly disagree to strongly agree:

My closet has unopened shopping bags in it.
Others might consider me a "shopaholic."
Much of my life centers around buying things.
I buy things I donít need.
I buy things I did not plan to buy.
I consider myself an impulse purchaser.

If you score over 25, you qualify as a shopaholic.
« Last Edit: December 11, 2015, 04:52:09 PM by monstermonster »

Orvell

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3016
  • Location: Wisconsin
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #107 on: December 11, 2015, 05:28:04 PM »
I've said it before in this thread and I'll say it again. I think a one in, one out policy would be hugely helpful, OP.  You say you love and wear everything in your massive closet.  So force yourself in to Sophie's Fashion Choice.  Buying a new sweater (or ordering a new box) will mean you have to pick an item you love and wear and that is still 100% wearable, and sell it (and yes, you need to sell it, even if it takes effort, not just donate it).  And yes, you must do it immediately, before you gut the tags off the new item, no exceptions.

I think I am going to do a version of this.  I have a PayPal account and I can use that to do my ordering most of the time.  I think I am going to start a policy where all of my regular salary goes to my bills/paying off debt and any fun money spending, I need to sell something and have them pay me with PayPal and then use that for any additional clothing purchases.  That way my current clothing is paying for my new clothing.  I know that this is a modified version of what everyone else is calling for but I am not ready for give it up entirely.  It might motivate me to sell things or earn extra on the side.

Okay, I've read this entire thread, and it's fascinating. Part of the fascination is the extreme to which you've taken this. And the other part of the fascination is to the extreme to which you've taken excusing your choices and mitigating any good decisions you keep trying to make. You are actively sabotaging yourself.

Daisyedwards800, you are a person. You can stop this. You are literally the only person who can.

My brother is an alcoholic. I binge eat sometimes. You shop to excess. These are all addictions, and I don't mean that in a fluffy way, I mean that in a real, brain disordered way. You need to stop. And the only way to do it, seriously and I mean this, is to do it cold turkey.

Take the Shop-Anon advice seriously and reach out. You can't change if you don't actually change.

Villanelle

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3132
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #108 on: December 11, 2015, 05:31:06 PM »
Look, are you done with this, or not?

It's as simple as that.  The reason I keep suggesting very specific things, like setting a tiny budget, OI OO, having debt payment goals get get you very specific "rewards" is because "I'll just buy less" is never, ever going to work.  You need rules, and you need to go in to this knowing 100% that you will follow those rules.  Don't give yourself a choice, don't say you'll "try" or that you'll "probably" do better.  Decide to do it, with "it" being very specifically defined so you can't rationalize your way around it, and then do it.

Or not.

A good start would be returning the box, even if you lose the "stylist fee" or whatever they charge.  Those are sunk costs (unless you can still cancel, which you should try to do immediately) and keeping shit you don't need only adds to the waste.

matchewed

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4337
  • Location: CT
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #109 on: December 12, 2015, 06:48:49 AM »
We all have setbacks. Move on and try not to do it again.




Unfortunately I had a setback and bought a mystery box today. It was 40% off :/  Today starts the 12 days of breaking my habit.

That's it.  I'm done.  You are too stupid to save.

Forum rule #1 dude.

Tjat

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 562
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #110 on: December 12, 2015, 07:06:48 AM »
Why do you feel like you have this need to constantly purchase useless clothes? Is it to impress others? Because there's a sale? Because you don't like what you look like underneath?

Answering this question will help you stop. In the meantime, how did you even notice this latest box was 40% off? Strangely math doesn't apply here - 40% off something that is a 100% waste of money is still 100% wasted. Telling yourself it makes you happy is a symptom of your addiction - you sound far from happy. I also suggest that you disconnect your paypal account from your bank account/credit cards. This is way to easy for you to slip - if you have to goto the trouble of typing it in each time, it should be a useful deterrent.

As far as your spending - you are in a hair on fire debt emergency that your high income is a crutch for. 25% interest rates is really absurd. I suggest the following

1. Immediately consolidate all credit card debt on lendingclub.com. Get the shortest loan you can afford the payments for
2. Reduce your 401k savings to just maximize your company match and divert it automatically to your credit card payments.
3. Read Dave Ramsey's "Total Money Makeover" (I don't follow his advice, but I also don't need it. You need it or something similar)
4. As soon as your debt-free, increase your 401k
5. Consider therapy at some point in this process. I think you realize you aren't being objective at times, and there's only so much a online forum can help you with.


Hadilly

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 280
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #111 on: December 12, 2015, 08:08:50 AM »
You might consider looking at the recovering shopaholic blog. Lots of good writing on the topic of compulsive shopping. There is also an associated Facebook group.

pbkmaine

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8368
  • Age: 63
  • Location: The Villages, Florida
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #112 on: December 13, 2015, 07:36:05 PM »
We can't help you if you are not willing to help yourself. You have to really want this, and you have to take action. You have gotten some good advice here. Do or do not. There is no try.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

norabird

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8195
  • Location: Brooklyn NY
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #113 on: December 14, 2015, 08:45:54 AM »
Just wanted to say that, for me, part of resolving to not do something usually means a process whereby--whoops--I do it. Keep resolving, keep doing it less, keep digging into the 'why', keep forcing yourself to see that your debt isn't sustainable, and that there are better uses for your money than more stuff you don't need. It is not about being stupid, it's about re-wiring, which takes time and is hard. PM me if you want to put me in your phone as a sponsor-style contact when you are feeling like spending.

Mmm_Donuts

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 371
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #114 on: December 14, 2015, 11:46:45 AM »
Just wanted to say that, for me, part of resolving to not do something usually means a process whereby--whoops--I do it. Keep resolving, keep doing it less, keep digging into the 'why', keep forcing yourself to see that your debt isn't sustainable, and that there are better uses for your money than more stuff you don't need. It is not about being stupid, it's about re-wiring, which takes time and is hard. PM me if you want to put me in your phone as a sponsor-style contact when you are feeling like spending.

This is a great response. OP came here for support... It's a common problem and there are bound to be slip ups. Don't be too hard on yourself op! You can do this. Don't be afraid to ask for help in your immediate circle as well. Or via a support group.

Kaspian

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1536
  • Location: Canada
    • My Necronomicon of Badassity
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #115 on: December 14, 2015, 12:02:31 PM »
Just wanted to say that, for me, part of resolving to not do something usually means a process whereby--whoops--I do it. Keep resolving, keep doing it less, keep digging into the 'why', keep forcing yourself to see that your debt isn't sustainable, and that there are better uses for your money than more stuff you don't need. It is not about being stupid, it's about re-wiring, which takes time and is hard. PM me if you want to put me in your phone as a sponsor-style contact when you are feeling like spending.

This is a great response. OP came here for support... It's a common problem and there are bound to be slip ups. Don't be too hard on yourself op! You can do this. Don't be afraid to ask for help in your immediate circle as well. Or via a support group.

I'm not sure this is the right web site for an overspending support group?  People here like to liberally dole out Facepunches for not re-using Ziploc bags for God sakes.  (And I like that!)

I think the OP maybe buys something, feels guilt, comes here looking for forgiveness?  The same way gamblers will confess their losses (always minimizing the actual damage) to friends or anyone who'll listen?  None of us can give absolution I'm afraid. 

lhamo

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 9974
  • Location: Seattle
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #116 on: December 14, 2015, 12:44:16 PM »
You are addicted to spending money.  It is going to be a hard thing to break.  Even if you manage to stop buying clothes, you may find you switch to buying other things to fill that need you have for an externally-generated dopamine rush.

Strongly suggest you go to the library and check out the book "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts."  It is by a doctor who worked with addicts in Vancouver, and he explores his own addictions (to buying classical music CDs, and to professional success) as he explores the nature/outcome of addiction in his clients.

Get it from the library -- you don't need to buy it.  You need to start practicing how to do things/get things that bring value to your life without spending money.




galliver

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1891
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #117 on: December 14, 2015, 02:05:23 PM »
This crossed my facebook feed and I wondered if it would help the OP:


honeybbq

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1277
  • Location: Seattle
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #118 on: December 14, 2015, 03:32:25 PM »
Unfortunately I had a setback and bought a mystery box today. It was 40% off :/  Today starts the 12 days of breaking my habit.

You spent money and YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ON WHAT!


Read it over and over and over until you see how ridiculous this is.


YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU SPENT YOUR MONEY ON.

Villanelle

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3132
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #119 on: December 14, 2015, 03:46:40 PM »
Maybe you need a smaller, more immediate strategy.  Next time you want to buy a box or shop online, have a specific plan for exactly what you will do instead.  Go for a walk, color a page in a coloring book for adults (which seem to be all the rage right now for stress and boredom relief, but don't spend a lot of money on the book or supplies), play an online chess game, d a free online yoga class, or whatever interest you.  Set that as your shopping replacement and as soon as you feel temptation, do the new thing instead.  Every time, as often as needed. 

beeth_oven

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 39
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #120 on: December 14, 2015, 07:31:44 PM »
I live in NYC and like clothes, too. First of all, some positives: you've got a great salary and are doing well in the 401k department, so you know how automating your savings is a big win.

For the clothes, can you apply some systems? I didn't like how I was tracking on clothes spending (like, I buy $400 sneakers) so I made some changes that might work for you:

-Like others said, unsubscribe from every sales email. EVERY ONE. I did this, but left myself subscribed to a few. And guess what? I tripped up when the few I still subscribed to sent me sales emails. If you don't know about the sale, you won't be tempted to buy. Easy as that.
-If you like your clothes already, then why are you still shopping? When shopping, focus only on what you need. Do an inventory on your closet and figure out the gaps. Then only shop for those items.
-If you trip up on the one above and find yourself wanting to buy a duplicate, do the one in, out out policy. Sell the old item and use the proceeds to buy new things. I do a periodic purge of my closet and sell things on ebay or consignment shops. However, this only works if you're buying high-value stuff that people want. If it's cheap fast fashion then it's basically a sunk cost.
-Buy gently used items on ebay or consignment shops. Say you get a designer sweater for $30. Wear it a few times, then you can resell it for the exact price you paid for it, or even more. I do this with dresses because I wear them so infrequently. Remember that clothes lose their value the second you wear them. If you're buying a lot of clothes, make sure you can at least reclaim some value from them.


With This Herring

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1208
  • Location: New York STATE, not city
  • TANSTAAFL!
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #121 on: December 14, 2015, 10:20:42 PM »
I think you need to cancel your credit cards now.  You're done.  You need to remove your ability to use them.  You know that the impulse to buy is too strong; remove your means of doing so.

Unsubscribe all shopping-related emails.  Those that can't be unsubscribed, set to go to your spam folder.

For perspective:
I like looking nice and wearing pretty dresses.  I haven't bought any clothing (except new underpants) since probably last December.  These things can go together.  You are an adult; you are not getting taller anymore, so the clothes you have will fit you until they are worn out or unless your weight swings.

So, your instructions:
- Cancel all credit cards.
- Until all debt over 4% is paid off, cut 401(k) contributions to whatever it takes to get any employer match.
- Pay minimums on all CCs and student loan debt.  Then with all extra money:
  + First, put it toward the CC with the highest rate.  Once that is paid off...
  + Put it to the CC with the next-highest rate.  After all CCs are paid off...
  + Put it to student loans to pay off that 6.7% loan.  Once that is gone...
  + Start maxing out your 401(k) again and put extra money toward killing off first the variable interest rate loan and then the remaining lower-interest student loan.  Max out your HSA as well.  It is a great way to minimize taxes, and it looks like your contribution is short of the max.  Build up more non-401(k) savings.  You need a cushion in case something goes wrong with your job (and taking a 401(k) withdrawal is not the right solution).  $2500 is less than two months' rent for you, so you would be in trouble quickly if your employer went Enron.
- Cook yourself supper, and stop relying on the cafeteria and restaurants.  You can slowly build a repertoire of recipes that taste great and can carry over to multiple meals.  Try www.budgetbytes.com .
- Start filling your time with library trips and reading the many good self-help books that the other posters recommend.
- Check out the addiction groups that other posters have recommended.
- Start REALLY tracking your money.  This is important.  You may find a lot more holes it your spending than you thought.  Many posters here like Mint.com and https://www.youneedabudget.com/.  I like my Excel spreadsheet.
- Figure out what is missing in your life.  (Again, agree with other posters.)  My guess (based on very little info):  You are lonely.  You mention that you don't go out that often.  I'm wondering if you mean you don't go out at all (just to friends' apartments to hang out or anything) except for the $60 outings once or twice a month.  You don't mention an SO or roomie or friends or family members criticizing your collection and habits.

It's scary how closely your post and thought-processes seem to mirror the main character of the chick-lit novel "Shopaholic" by Sophie Kinsella.  It was uncomfortable to read it and see the main character make all the wrong choices.

2ndTimer

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4616
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #122 on: December 15, 2015, 08:18:09 AM »
Unfortunately I had a setback and bought a mystery box today. It was 40% off :/  Today starts the 12 days of breaking my habit.

That's it.  I'm done.  You are too stupid to save.

MOD NOTE: Forum Rule #1.

You are right.  I apologize.  I was trying to shock OP into realizing that her behavior was not rational and went too far.

therethere

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 760
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #123 on: December 15, 2015, 08:26:30 AM »
I don't see anyone has suggested this yet... Go through your closet and take out all the items with tags on them. Put them all out on your bed or something and just take it all in of how much money is wasted just to hang pretty clothes in your closet that aren't even worn. Then return those items!!! Even if you have to pay restocking fees or only get the lowest price try to return all of them (receipts or no receipts try it anyway!). Immediately use this money as a payment on your credit card.

I rarely go clothes shopping. But when I do, if I'm in a good mood, I tend to overbuy. I keep the tags on everything and only pull stuff out as I wear it. 30 days later if its still in the bag I bring it all back to the store. I'm sure a lot of your shopping addiction has to do with the physical/emotional act of shopping and not the clothes.


Daisyedwards800

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 212
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #124 on: December 15, 2015, 10:41:07 AM »
As far as being lonely goes, I do have a SO, and I would be upset if I didn't have him, but I feel I may not be truly in love with him.  I am having a lot of trouble feeling love right now.  I never had this problem before.  It is like I am in a fog.  I also don't enjoy spending time with friends even though I have them.  I feel bored by them.  I think I have a case of burnout or something?

Orvell

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3016
  • Location: Wisconsin
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #125 on: December 15, 2015, 10:45:08 AM »
As far as being lonely goes, I do have a SO, and I would be upset if I didn't have him, but I feel I may not be truly in love with him.  I am having a lot of trouble feeling love right now.  I never had this problem before.  It is like I am in a fog.  I also don't enjoy spending time with friends even though I have them.  I feel bored by them.  I think I have a case of burnout or something?
I have been feeling similar things lately. And I can tell you that for me, taking control of my life helped. It was cleaning and organizing that helped me. But for you, taking control of your finances might have a similar benefit. :) Take back your life. Focus on creative outlets. Make sure you are putting something back in the world, not just consuming it. :)

norabird

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8195
  • Location: Brooklyn NY
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #126 on: December 15, 2015, 10:46:07 AM »
I would recommend finding a therapist--that the only thing that sparks excitement in you is purchasing goods, rather than building relationships, is troubling. It sounds as if a lot of things in your life need a reboot and hopefully acknowledging this one problem will help you untangle all the connected strands.

Orvell

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3016
  • Location: Wisconsin
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #127 on: December 15, 2015, 10:48:48 AM »
I would recommend finding a therapist--that the only thing that sparks excitement in you is purchasing goods, rather than building relationships, is troubling. It sounds as if a lot of things in your life need a reboot and hopefully acknowledging this one problem will help you untangle all the connected strands.
This is good advice! Therapists are very valuable.

monstermonster

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4307
  • Age: 32
  • Location: The People's Republic of Portland (Oregon)
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #128 on: December 15, 2015, 10:48:54 AM »
As far as being lonely goes, I do have a SO, and I would be upset if I didn't have him, but I feel I may not be truly in love with him.  I am having a lot of trouble feeling love right now.  I never had this problem before.  It is like I am in a fog.  I also don't enjoy spending time with friends even though I have them.  I feel bored by them.  I think I have a case of burnout or something?
This sounds like depression, nearly text book. You're trying to self-medicate by shopping. Which is good, in that at least you're trying to find something to handle your "fog" feelings (in some cultures, depression is described as "thoughts running around fast" or "foggy feelings")- however you're causing yourself harm (financially) and you're not dealing with the root of your depression. I'd highly recommend some cognitive therapy to deal with both the obsessive behavior (buying clothing) and the lack of interest in activities (depression). You'll be surprised to see what talking about these to people who aren't strangers on the internet can do for your feelings.

With This Herring

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1208
  • Location: New York STATE, not city
  • TANSTAAFL!
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #129 on: December 15, 2015, 10:52:17 AM »
As far as being lonely goes, I do have a SO, and I would be upset if I didn't have him, but I feel I may not be truly in love with him.  I am having a lot of trouble feeling love right now.  I never had this problem before.  It is like I am in a fog.  I also don't enjoy spending time with friends even though I have them.  I feel bored by them.  I think I have a case of burnout or something?
This sounds like depression, nearly text book. You're trying to self-medicate by shopping. Which is good, in that at least you're trying to find something to handle your "fog" feelings (in some cultures, depression is described as "thoughts running around fast" or "foggy feelings")- however you're causing yourself harm (financially) and you're not dealing with the root of your depression. I'd highly recommend some cognitive therapy to deal with both the obsessive behavior (buying clothing) and the lack of interest in activities (depression). You'll be surprised to see what talking about these to people who aren't strangers on the internet can do for your feelings.

This.

Kaspian

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1536
  • Location: Canada
    • My Necronomicon of Badassity
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #130 on: December 15, 2015, 11:52:25 AM »
Shopping won't fill an empty hole in your heart for God sakes.  In fact, it does the opposite and makes it bigger, blacker, and sadder.  Alternatives for spending time that won't *worsen* depression include playing with a dog in a park, making a really hearty chili which simmers for hours, going for a swim, petting a horse, playing guitar with a friend, and bowling with a group of little kids.  ...Pretty much anything other than what you are doing. 

SanDiegoAli

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 8
  • Age: 40
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #131 on: December 15, 2015, 02:20:49 PM »
OP - I totally feel you. I'm also trying to break a shopping addiction.  It's hard.  It's not as easy as "don't spend".  Advice like that gets nothing but eye-ball rolling from me.  If not doing something was the magical cure then every person would be rich, every person would be thin, and every person would be a great athlete.

For some reason it is extremely hard for many people to grasp addictions aren't just to food/drinking.  Just like telling a depressed person to "just be happy", it's utterly useless.  I know **most** people on this forum don't GET IT as far a spending addiction is concerned, but it exists and getting yourself out of it is hard as fuck.

End of rant.

OP - unrollme is a GREAT resource for unsubscribing from emails.

Also, I personally can't get on board with most "recovery" like groups because 99% of them are based in religion and I'm an atheist.  I agree that therapy could help you a lot. I have also been reading books on the psychology of consumerism in my journey. Best of luck to you. I don't use my cc's AT ALL anymore, but still struggle with wanting to buy, esp. at this time of year.

Tjat

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 562
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #132 on: December 15, 2015, 05:08:45 PM »
This sounds like depression, nearly text book. You're trying to self-medicate by shopping. Which is good, in that at least you're trying to find something to handle your "fog" feelings (in some cultures, depression is described as "thoughts running around fast" or "foggy feelings")- however you're causing yourself harm (financially) and you're not dealing with the root of your depression. I'd highly recommend some cognitive therapy to deal with both the obsessive behavior (buying clothing) and the lack of interest in activities (depression). You'll be surprised to see what talking about these to people who aren't strangers on the internet can do for your feelings.

+1. Therapy sounds like the right next step.

Stockmom

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 11
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #133 on: December 15, 2015, 09:12:59 PM »
Donating money seems to work for me.  Nothing like giving money away to make you really start to pay attention to how you're wasting it.

matchewed

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4337
  • Location: CT
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #134 on: December 16, 2015, 09:44:27 AM »
Assuming it is some mental health issue here is some food for thought.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ao8L-0nSYzg

Daisyedwards800

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 212
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #135 on: December 16, 2015, 10:25:57 AM »
I had never been depressed before like this if that is what it is.  I was very happy until I switched careers, where they made me work until midnight and under incredible stress every day for months on end.  I hated the place and it burned me out.  It made my cynical and sad.  Then I found a new job, which was stressful in a different way (I have a fear of public speaking and had to do this for my job).  After a year of that I finally found a job in October where I am comfortable.  I have been steadily feeling less stressed and better, but I still have this burned out mindset where I don't enjoy other people's company.

Also this past year, I had not been able to choose between an exboyfriend and a new boyfriend, and I was telling both of them I couldn't decide and was depressed over it badly.  I have not resolved the situation well.  I feel like I have let everyone down and been a horrible person.  I chose the old one and then I spent weeks crying in my bed over the decision and left him too.  Nothing is clear to me.  The only thing that makes me happy is having pretty soft comfortable things to wear.  I can't even bring myself to exercise because I think I don't deserve to be in good shape. 

I am a bad person, which is what this whole thing is I think. 

Daisyedwards800

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 212
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #136 on: December 16, 2015, 10:26:18 AM »
As far as being lonely goes, I do have a SO, and I would be upset if I didn't have him, but I feel I may not be truly in love with him.  I am having a lot of trouble feeling love right now.  I never had this problem before.  It is like I am in a fog.  I also don't enjoy spending time with friends even though I have them.  I feel bored by them.  I think I have a case of burnout or something?
This sounds like depression, nearly text book. You're trying to self-medicate by shopping. Which is good, in that at least you're trying to find something to handle your "fog" feelings (in some cultures, depression is described as "thoughts running around fast" or "foggy feelings")- however you're causing yourself harm (financially) and you're not dealing with the root of your depression. I'd highly recommend some cognitive therapy to deal with both the obsessive behavior (buying clothing) and the lack of interest in activities (depression). You'll be surprised to see what talking about these to people who aren't strangers on the internet can do for your feelings.

THis is what I have been suspecting :(

norabird

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8195
  • Location: Brooklyn NY
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #137 on: December 16, 2015, 10:28:53 AM »
You aren't a bad person. You need to work on forgiving yourself. Once you do that, you won't need clothes anymore, because you'll feel whole. Please do find a therapist!

Orvell

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3016
  • Location: Wisconsin
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #138 on: December 16, 2015, 10:31:44 AM »
{snip}
The only thing that makes me happy is having pretty soft comfortable things to wear.  I can't even bring myself to exercise because I think I don't deserve to be in good shape. 

I am a bad person, which is what this whole thing is I think.

Oh... *HUGS*
First and foremost, you are not a bad person. You have an addiction to shopping, or at the very least a very terrible ingrained shopping habit, and are not in a good mental health place. These things do not make you a bad person. At all. <3

You really need someone who can talk to you about these feelings and who knows what they are talking about. Call your health insurance provider (like, today) and get a list of people they suggest, and make an appointment. You deserve to start feeling better.

AmandaS1989

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3183
  • Age: 30
  • Location: North Carolina
  • Ferocious Accounting Beast
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #139 on: December 16, 2015, 10:37:59 AM »
Just chiming in to second Orvell and norabird. You are NOT a bad person and you DO deserve to feel better about yourself. Listen to Orvell and call your health insurance provider for that therapist list. Sometimes talking to a professional is necessary.

Maybe you can also sit down and make a list of things you like about yourself. That might put you in a more positive mindset. Don't give up though. You CAN beat this and get back on the road to feeling good and having a fat bank account. :)
« Last Edit: December 16, 2015, 10:40:07 AM by AmandaS1989 »

galliver

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1891
Re: Need a spending intervention - HELP
« Reply #140 on: December 16, 2015, 02:07:24 PM »
After a year of that I finally found a job in October where I am comfortable.  I have been steadily feeling less stressed and better, but I still have this burned out mindset where I don't enjoy other people's company.

Also this past year, I had not been able to choose between an exboyfriend and a new boyfriend, and I was telling both of them I couldn't decide and was depressed over it badly.  I have not resolved the situation well.  I feel like I have let everyone down and been a horrible person.  I chose the old one and then I spent weeks crying in my bed over the decision and left him too.  Nothing is clear to me.

Hey now. Clearly neither of these dudes deserves the pleasure of your companionship because neither of them knocked your socks off to the exclusion of the other. Keep an eye out for the one who does. But don't rush into anything; you don't need a boyfriend (and if you feel like you do...then you especially don't). Learn to be your own person and find satisfaction in the simple things in life, and forgive yourself for your past. (Seek them out and reconcile with them if you must. But there's probably too much that has gone down for you to pursue anything. Forgiving is not forgetting.) Each year for the past 5 years or more, I've made basically the same resolution: Make better choices. I think it has worked well and I recommend this to you. From this day out, make better choices. When you recognize you are making a decision, and are leaning toward something you may later regret...make the better choice, instead.

As a side note, I hate the word "deserve" when used in giving relationship/life advice, especially on the internet. Partly because it can be hard to tell if someone deserves something from their own account, and partly because it's not always about what you deserve, it's about what you can earn, what you can create. You can create a state of fitness by working out and watching your diet. You can create good friendships by picking the right people and pouring energy/effort into the relationship. You can create a full bank account by abstaining from shopping or other luxuries and saving instead. This is regardless of whether, in a karmic sense, you "deserve" nice things in your life. On the flip side, people get laid off, they get sick, they lose loved ones in car wrecks regardless of whether these things were "deserved." So: let go of karma, fate, etc. and create the life you want with the things you want in it. And then you'll "deserve" them because you have put in the effort to make it so.